HOW TO END BEHAVIOR ISSUES IN A CHILD... (Pediatrician & Father of 9 Shares His Secrets) | Dr. Paul 

My Grand mother taught me a version of this when my kids were little. When my youngest son was about 10 months-16 or 17 months old he would throw the biggest fits kicking and screaming and banging his head on the floor. My Grandmother saw it one time and me trying to stop him and after it was over she pulled me aside and said you know that any attention that you give to him while he is throwing a tantrum will only increase in volume and severity, no matter if the attention is positive or negative. But you can stop him by simply saying to him, ok if your going to throw a fit Im going in the other room or Im going to walk outside and as soon as you calm down Ill come back. So I tried it, and low and behold it worked! and within 2 months he was no longer throwing tantrums because it wasnt working for him any more. And when he finally stopped doing it I would tell him all the time that I was proud of him and I was happy that we could stay together because he was being so good. I promise you ladies, it does work. I didnt believe how fast it worked! And we were both so much happier for it, even though it was tuff to walk away at first. But even after the first time I did it, I noticed that the tantrum didnt last nearly as long as usual because noone was watching so it wasnt doing him any good! Yah for Grandmothers advice!!

You need to do more videos of this kind, Dr.Paul. This is so useful! We truly miss Integrative Pediatrics and your care!

"As soon as you can be calm we can be together." I love that. You arent telling the kid they cannot have emotions, or disagree with you. Your simply enforcing that all communication must be respectful. You will only give your energy to respectful communication.

Doc. Paul, it's been 8 days that I watched this awesome video, and it has tremendously changed my 3.5 years old. It's just a week and he's so much calmer. God bless you doctor.

Dr Paul I saw a similar video of yours about 9 months ago and did this with my 2.5 year old. She was kicking us and other kids when things didn't go her way. It works! Withing less than 2 months she was waaaay calmer and much more happy 🙏 thank you!

Parents need to understand that the tantrum/ ‘bad’ behavior is ALMOST ALWAYS the result a missed cue by the child from the parent. If they’re hitting or trying to get your attention, give it to them, it in a positive way. Many, many issues kids give you is because there’s an unmet need going on there. Are they hungry, tired, overstimulated, feeling unloved, wet, thirsty, bored???? Just like an infant crying because they have a problem is a missed cue because you missed the 3 other ones they gave you first, this is no different with an older child as well. If a child is figuring out that the tantrum gets them the most attention, it’s because you trained them to be that way because a child in their more natural sense of being, is not naturally manipulative like that. If they’re seeking those behaviors from you, give them what they want…or NEED, but in a more positive way! It actually DOES matter what triggered it because instead of trying to train the child to be ‘less annoying’ the parent need to better retrain themselves to learn their child’s cues to meet their needs instead of forcing the child to conform to yours. A child’s annoying behaviors trigger you for a reason and that is because they’re meant to get your attention. It’s an in born instinct we have. If we were out in the wild and a child relied on their parents for survival, making annoying sounds gets their attention. Their ‘annoying behaviors’ gets our attention so we can figure out what their needs are to need them. It sounds like an exhausting process, but raising children are far more complex than we believe! And it’s not their fault if we’re far too busy to meet all their needs. Contrary to what more parents believe, parents who are far more in tuned to their child’s needs and tend to them in a positive manner, have far LESS attached children as they get older, not more. The needy kids are the ones who are constantly going without their needs being met and those children turn out to be the neediest and whiniest adults out there who are the biggest attention seekers. Have you not noticed how this whole generation coming up now is full of them?! ‘Me, me, me, look at me!!!!’ Needing to feel like they’re the center of the universe and if they don’t have all eyes on them getting the most ‘likes’ they associate it with their self worth because those are things they’re still seeking in late childhood- adulthood all because they were raised by parents who were too busy, the most busiest ones ever being over worked, stressed out and tapped out!

Awesome advice! We used something similar. Our teen (very newly teen) still uses the calm down corner. When he feels himself getting overwhelmed, upset, angry, frustrated...etc. he goes to the calm down corner to sit, for as long as he needs. Some times it is a minute. Sometimes it is 40 minutes. Whatever he needs. He knows he can trust a place that is quiet, no one will bother him to force him to 'get over it' faster, and there isn't a lot to stimulate him/distract him from working through his emotions. He suffers/suffered from REM Sleep Cycle Seizures. Those cause awful temper tantrums at ages kids usually are not throwing them anymore. (BTW, he was a dream toddler...zero fits, happy, emotionally well adjusted, but BAM 5 1/2 came and tantrums and fits like I had never seen.) The diagnosis came at 10 1/2. During that time, we stuck to what we knew...calming down and regulation. He shared a room with his brother so the Calm Down Corner was created. He knew why, he knew it was not a punishment when he was sent there, he knew he could use it freely as he needed it, but sometimes he would be sent there if he needed it. He used it freely. We used it to reenforce the calm behavior. It still works. He has hopefully outgrown his seizures (we have a test coming up to let us know if he will be done with treatment or he requires another year before we can consider it). But finding a way to calm down is a life skill. He is nearly done with the Calm Down Corner, I can tell. He regulates well without it. I am so thankful for it over the years. These phases pass. Teaching a good skill for life is truly a loving gift.

This is exactly what kids need with extreme behaviors. Especially if you talk through and help them recognize their feelings afterwards. And that bonding fun time instantly afterwards is super crucial so your child KNOWS you really do love them and want to be around them. I worked with reactive attatchement t disorder kids that were extreme with a psychologist. This is in essence exactly what we had to do with these kids and teach the parents to do. You have to be calm so they see that you are a safe, calm person. And you HAVE to do the talking and fun bonding time afterward. You will have more mentally stable, emotionally developing children with that even with extremely difficult children.

This is actually what I do to my 3 year old son. I put him in his crib in his room when he throws a fit and then I watch him on the monitor. I come back after a few minutes and he’ll be calm and would say sorry. Love all your videos. Thank you!!

Having a spare car seat in the room helps when the child is being a danger to others. Dr Paul didn’t recommend a timer but that’s what worked for us. Time out in the car seat for a few minutes and then went back in the room when the child is calm to have a very short, loving conversation about the behavior. Keep it short and simple. This makes it an easy transition for being out in public too... because you can warn the child that he/she will go have time out in the car seat inside the actual car. Having a threenager was very stressful. I am happy to report that after doing this for a few months, we were able to nix the car seat all together and just have quiet time on the bed to calm down. It gets better, don’t give up on gentle parenting!

As parents, we should share our peace, not participate in their chaos! You are spot on with the energy. I got to a point where I was just too emotionally drained to strongly react to behaviors like that so I just calmly remove them from the environment and give myself space from their chaos. This approach has helped me stop yelling and helped them be more calm (I have two boys with a third on the way!) Many people have strong opinions about parenting and gentle parenting but this is what has worked for me!

Remember, view experts as they are, moderately evolved primates. If behavior is an issue, make sure the cause isn't untreated adhd or some other mental health issue. Ignoring certain behaviors can be very detrimental to the long term health of a child and cause future problems in their adult life.

Yes… this is so good! I didn’t understand this as a new parent, because it hadn’t been modeled to me. I’m so grateful that a family psychologist that had a radio program taught these principles. I learned so much from him. Thanks, Dr. Paul, for sharing what you know.

I needed this! I work for 24-96 hours at a time outside of the home. My husband is a contractor and works around my work schedule. When I'm home it's so tough because I feel so guilty for being gone I have a hard time disciplining especially because I know what my son is after is the attention he deserves.. I'll definitely be trying this.

So, your advice ‘out of love’ for the child as a parent/caregiver when it comes to dealing with a child’s emotions/tantrums is to isolate children by themselves in their moments of need when they’re essentially being an earache/inconvenience/ trigger to the adults... What an excellent way to teach children (who *surprisingly* aren’t fresh from the womb knowing how to regulate and understand their emotions, feelings and needs - who’d have thought it?!) that their feelings and needs are to be ignored and suppressed for them to be liked, loved and accepted. Being with a child during a tantrum is not pandering or enabling unfavorable behavior, as any healthy, balanced and self aware adult who has done the work on their OWN triggers and adverse experiences will understand. It’s the sheer projection from adults put onto kids that they are somehow master manipulators hell bent on domination that baffles me. Children want to feel seen, safe and accepted. Where the HELL do you think those big emotions go when a small child is put into a room on their own bc their caregiver is triggered by a tantrum or behavior that they deem to be difficult? “WELP, that stopped their whining n screaming! It worked! Now, I, the adult feel much better !!🤡” congratulations, you’ve just taught that child that love and care is conditional and now as adults they haven’t the faintest idea how to understand, communicate, identify or regulate their emotions without crippling guilty, overwhelm or believing that they are 'bad' for experiencing feelings of upset, anger or fear when faced with real world issues that effect them.

So helpful! Thank you! A video about training older kids would be so helpful too!

This is friggin gold!! God bless you Dr. Paul!!

As an early childhood specialists he IS ON POINT!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!

I love how "real world" your advice is! Thank you you answered my questions as soon as they came up in my mind 😊

Yaaaaay, Doctor Paul! So happy to see you!

Greatest doctor ever ❤

Love this. When my son was young, I did the same thing but this way. I put him in the bathroom, set a glass of water in there, and put in a pillow & blanket. That took away his excuses. Have to pee, need a drink. I'm tired. It was very effective for him.

This helped me feel so valid!! Thank you ❤ last year our dynamic changed and so did my sons behavior. I found myself in a borderline abusive situation with my son because I didn’t know how to react to his anger. I knew my reaction was the reason his behavior escalated and this is the technique I began using. No emotions and in his room until calm. Thank you for posting this

I feel like you always upload videos right when I need them!

I always said when your ready to join the family come on out. From 2 years old. No hassle, do what you want, but we are here being a family. Always worked.

Great advice! Giving a hug when they are throwing a fit has worked really well for me, just comfort them. Not spoil, no treats and stuff, just some love. If they don't quit, just ignore and it stops pretty fast. A great thing I found recently to prevent the fit from coming inside from playing outside, just tell them bye and go in. 5-10 seconds later they will be at the door begging to come in. Works every time, no more fits.

This was good. Love how you brought up how children change when father's get home. I noticed that too in my home a while back. It makes so much sense why

100%agree! I’m a teacher and I use your method. I always know when children get their way from throwing fits at home! Parents never ever let a fit thrower get their way from throwing fits! Your child will also do this at school and grow up thinking this is how they get things they want in life!

This video has really helped me a lot! Thanks Doc we need more videos like this.

Loving your thoughts, Dr Paul! Keep this up!!!

Dr. Thomas nailed this. I've been in child dev't for 35+ years & now I tutor home educating children & their families. Most of the work is w/the parents & their lack of understanding & experience. Kids gravitate to me bc I build a stable trust w/respectful boundaries. Show your child love in healthy ways. Show them emotional regulation. Show your child boundaries w/ loving discipline. The goal is healthy attachment & expression, not indulging, avoiding, or training manipulation from a "lost" child. Guide. Model.

Hi Paul from NZ u are never forgotten 👋💕👍always praying for you and your family and friends and I hope ur new adventures are going great keep smiling 🤗

The best Doctor in the world!!! We love you!!!!!

Awesome video!!! Needed it so much!

I call it planned ignoring. Distraction helps too.

Oh My gosh Dr. Paul, thank you soooo much for sharing this, you are saving my life. Thank you!

All the families should watch this video! The world would be a better place!

This is really really good advice!! Thank you so much I really needed it because my 2 year old throws tantrums and I instantly give her what she wants just to calm her down ( and also because I’m afraid of neighbors calling the police) but I know that is the worst thing I can possibly do. So I am DEFINITELY going to start your method.

I'm one of nine. We never had any tantrums - my mother let it be known very quickly that she wouldn't put up with them.

Love you, Dr Paul!

Oh Dr. Paul! You came in just in time! My 3 year old SWEET BOY 😂 (most of the time) has started tantrums recently 😫 so excited you posted this!!!!!

This is beautiful thank you. I was so stressed out. I’m going to try this now.

Wow, great to know. I have a 5 year old so , but everyone says that my son acts completely different from when I am around and when I am not around. He acts like a big boy and mature when I am not around, but when I am around, he acts so babyish. But I realize I am possibly reinforcing his behaviour.

Dr,Paul This is so useful thank you 😀👍

I needed this advice! Thank you

This really helps! Thank you 🙏

I wish you had a parenting book out! I don’t think I could do this without ya man. I’d have my babies at the doctor every other day

Learned a lot from you in this video. Thank you so much.

We'd love to see more of this line of Content ! Practical parenting tips and wisdom from your experience. Thank you so much for your encouraging work !!

Thank you so much for this video!!

Thank you for the advice! Best wishes from the UK 🇬🇧

Thank you for this video!

You’re the go to channel for my little one’s health advice, but this video has shook me a little. You’re teaching parents to show their kids: they are only accepted when they are ‘good/calm’, when they don’t have big feelings. Having no brain developed for emotional regulation at toddler age (i.e. not being able to actually control their emotions and calm down) and connection with a parent being a primary need: the child must adopt to your tactic by learning to shut down their emotions. Piling up those emotions within is what leads to disease and more pediatric visits.

You are absolutely incredible and amazing i absolutely love and appreciate you so much

Thank you! This totally makes sense.

Thank you for this!

Great video!

Finally, one that works for me and to my 2yo. Thank you dr paul

Love you Dr. Paul!

Thank you I needed this

Thank you Doctor Paul!!! It’s working 🤩🤩🤩🤩

You are looking younger and more fit. Good for you. Good advice I think. My asperger child had meltdowns, but we finally worked it out in her best interest.

This was so A+

my sis was misbehaving and my dad took her door away after she slammed it such a great video our parents where not our bff. they where the ones in charge made the rules not us coddling a child doesn’t teach them boundaries or the word no i bet you where an amazing father

Thank you so much! I'm going to try this with our 6 year old. The way you framed it about energy makes so much sense. For the past 2 years she has become unbelievable with her tantrums because she learned she could just bang and stomp on the floor so the downstairs neighbors reports us for the noise. It has created so much anxiety and feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness in her father and myself as we had no choice but to give her our energy. We are moving out of the apartment into a house. I think we will be able to implement your techniques to regain control and sanity in our home! Thanks, again!

Love you doc,as far as I'm concerned,you are the best pediatrician in the world. Love u from Nigeria

I do this with my oldest daughter my Husband doesn't understand he grew up being spanked,yelled and silent treatment However when i grew up we had to speak about our feelings and sit down and understand why the other lashed out we communicated ALOT in my family so with my husband he has to train his mind to not repeat the same pattern he saw and he has even admitted that my way has made difference in our oldest daughter and he is glad to know our youngest daughter who is turning 1 will follow her sister and raising is set in stone of communication when everyone is calm and apologize if needed

This has 100% worked!!

Thank you!

I use to babysit for a mother who had lots of kids. She taught me a unique time-out technique that I have never seen before. If one of her kids was getting too rowdy or losing control, she would say "You are my shadow now". The child would have to stand beside her while she continued to wash dishes and followed her around the house while she did her chores. She just kept moving and they would follow her. For some reason the children calmed down quickly almost like being Mom's shadow for 15 mins gave them the redirection and comfort they needed before it turned into a full blown tantrum. It worked on her younger and older kids alike

If the kids are acting out it's because they don't know how to process all that emotions that they feel. The best idea should be to help them understand those emotions so they could know how to process them now and later on when they are teenagers and adults. Time out teaches them exactly nothing positive just 'mommy loves you but only with your positive emotions, if you're having some struggles don't show them to mommy because you'll get time out'. Should we also time out adults who are having tantrums? Children are humans and they are having worse days as well like adults but they don't understand yet where from those negative emotions are coming. Time out will just teach them to hide them which brings nothing good later on in their life.

This may work for a short amount of time but it really doesn’t do much! Sending your kid away to be alone will only teach them that whenever they’re having bad feelings they’re not wanted or welcomed by their family… instead we have to stay there with them calmly and validate their feelings, and teach them what to do and how to handle their feelings. Kids are not able to “think about what they did wrong” or “how to fix their behavior” on their own! They need us parents to teach them those things. And sending them away and ignoring them will only teach them that they’re unwanted and when they grow up they will want to keep all their negative feelings inside which can end up to anxiety and depression because we as parents ignored them all the time when they were at their lows!

Thank you so much! Going through that phase now with my toddler 😅

I just had my second child. My first started being a holy terrorist. She was not actually having those emotions she just wanted my reactions. This has helped me thank you.

I would love you to do a series of parenting videos from your experience!!!

Oh my gosh the cup drop is a great trick, perfect distraction!

Wonderful!!!!🙂

I think this would work great! But Gabor Matè is an amazing mental health doctor and he says when you put a child in a room when they're having a tantrum, you show them you don't accept them when they aren't behaving well. So they learn to shut off their feelings and that their relationship with the parent is conditional and that they aren't excepted when they are upset. Gabor teaches to empathize with their child and connect with them. Validate their feelings and crouch down and look at them. Tell them why they can't do the thing they're getting so upset about and why. Then give them options on things they can do or have instead, to distract them. So I'm not sure if I want to try this. What are your thoughts on these 2 different ways to handle tantrums?

I really love the video thank you u ❤

That was good something to help me out with grandson

Wow this is amazing God bless you my son do every thing u said some time I just cried like a baby this is amazing solution I really appreciate

Thank you ❤

Great! Thanks

DR. Thomas, so nice to see you here!! Are you practicing in a clinic again? I thought the College of Physicians made you shut down.

My darling middle child! I could sense the “I hate you” coming when she was about 3 1/2. I talked to my mom about it. I had no idea how I was going to react and I was looking for ways to manage my reaction. Then it happened! Know what I did? I laughed! A genuine belly laugh! No sarcasm. I wasn’t being witty or manipulative. That was not the reaction she was expecting. She tried three or four more times to get the reaction. I finally told her she was welcome to hate me…in her room. I don’t think she ever said I hate you again, not even as a teenager.

It's true my daughter goes wild around me... also I used to suck up my feelings a lot in sports, activities, school, but when I caught sight of my parents I would let all my feelings out crying etc... that's what my dad says.

Love ❤️ this Guy.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But, During the Johnny Depp and Amber Herd case, Johnny D talked about how he stayed in the relationship with Amber, despite the physical abuse, is because his dad stayed in the abusive relationship with his mother. Which is why he never walked away. So, when my son throws a tantrum and hits me, I give him three chances calmly, and tell him that "you're hurting me, if you continue hitting me, I'm going to leave". So i go to the kitchen, close the safety gate. My son absolutely hates it. He cries and cries. I then talked to him and told him why I did this and how I felt. He understands and calms down considerably. I believe this teaches my son that he never should stay in an abusive situation. Try, and find a solution. If it doesn't work, leave. He will also realise that if he physically hurts his loved ones, they will leave him. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but the Johnny Depp case hit me HARD. I feel like I want to protect my children from future abuse, Almighty forbid.

Wait till the gentle parents find this video

thank you

Thank you

This technique worked with every one of my kid's. After they were sent to their room, calmed themselves down, then i would go in and we would talk about why they were acting out. I swear that all my kid's grew out of this phase by 5 yrs old and I very rarely had to punish them after that. YES, kid's will always test their limits all the way to adulthood, but after they turned 4 or 5, all we had to do was give them the look or bust out the deeper, mean voice and they would straighten right up. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I would get told how well behaved and well mannered our kid's are.

I was a bit weary of this video at first, because my parents used the "go to your room!" discipline as a way to basically neglect us. My dad said "If they're acting out to get attention they get no attention," but really anything from being a little loud to wanting to show them something to just being in the wrong place when they were frustrated or annoyed would result in us being shut in our rooms anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, multiple times a day, every day. And being locked alone in a room for more than an hour every day as a child can really mess with your mind, but honestly I don't think it was being locked in our rooms that was the traumatic part, it was that discipline wasn't based on what we did it was based on how the parents were feeling. They just didn't want to deal with us or our emotions. We didn't even misbehave or throw tantrums all that often, most people told my parents they wished they had such well behaved kids. But the result was one child who disassociated from everything and started doing drugs (he's better now), one child (me) who emotionally enmeshed with people so much she couldn't separate her thoughts and feelings from those of others (can't say no syndrome), and one child who became a manipulative narcissist who is obsessed with making anything she did someone else's fault. All of us are very good at zoning out for long periods of time, only two of us still speak to our parents, only one has completed college. One of us in a shut in and only one out of the three of us has a job. These consequences started showing up around college age and my parents were gobsmacked about what they did wrong until doctors really laid into them about it when two of us were hospitalized. They've apologized but the damage had already been done. I may not be comfortable with the put in a room thing after all that but I do appreciate and thank you for showing people a way to use it that doesn't lead to habitual neglect. Hopefully it will keep some parents out there from resorting to worse things. Also I love your videos, they've been very informative, so thank you :)

Well as the parent of a 140+ IQ I can tell you how we did it. My wife got real bad morning sickness and the only way she could distract herself was to read out loud - so for 8 months Stacey was hearing her mother reading books and my daughter came out kinda weird - She didn't eat books like other children did the read them

I'm 59. I am in my room. And will happily go to my room and stay there! Lol

Thank you Dr Paul, your videos are always so helpful! At what age do you recommend starting the timeouts? I have a one year old who throws screaming tantrums and we just give her what she wants because we feel she is too young to start doing time outs.

I remember when I was a kid, time out would be getting sent to sit on the stairs, where many of my friends were sent to their bedrooms. A very interesting contrast given these factors. Something to keep in mind if and when I ever have kids of my own

Thank you for this. My 4 year old started throwing tantrums lately and i didnt know what ekse to do

I used 1,2,3 Magic, it worked great. As he entered his teens I would send him to his room to cool down. I always said to him, I need a time out, so he had go to his room. And for certain offenses he got grounded. After a cooling down period, we discussed the issue again.

This is a good technique for kids who are acting out because they want attention. But some kids are acting out for different reasons. At a grocery store, a kid may throw a fit because they can’t get a candy bar. They don’t want your attention in that situation; they want the candy. When i was a kid, my parents sent me to my room for things, and I didn’t mind at all because I just played with my toys. As a teen, I’d backtalk my parents, and I didn’t want their attention in that scenario either. I felt they were in the wrong, and being well behaved was giving them what they wanted, and I didn’t want to give them what they wanted. In fact, I just read a journal entry of mine from when I was 12. My parents were on my case because I didn’t finish my homework earlier and brought it in the car to work on it. Mom said, “I told you to do it earlier!” I said, “I DID do it earlier, but I didn’t finish cuz it was too long and hard!” My parents considered this back talk and told me to shut up. My mom threatened to slap me. I was so angry, I felt like lashing out physically, but I didn’t. Anyway, I didn’t want their attention in this situation. I wanted their understanding, and I felt that they should’ve been more appreciative of the fact that I was continuing to try to finish my HW instead of some kids who would just not bother doing it at all…. My own child doesn’t seek attention either. A lot of times she’s just being lazy and says “I don’t want to” when I ask her to do something. Sending her to her room wouldn’t matter to her, because that’d be another way she could get out of doing what I want her to do.