How To Fight In Love

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Arguments in relationships are always tricky but given that they are also inevitable, the skill we need to learn is how to fight well rather than not fight at all. By 'well' we mean, with charity, compassion, understanding, humour, intelligence and good will. Here is a guide to the best sorts of arguments in relationships.
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“There are couples that seem never to argue. Their relationships are marked by enormous outward politeness; they say thank you a lot; they make each other cups of tea; they can look rather horrified when there’s a mention of a squabble in someone else’s life. It’s understandable if they’re privately a little pleased with themselves.
But surface harmony isn’t, in reality, any reliable sign of health in love because it’s impossible to try to merge two lives without regularly encountering deep sources of incompatibility. A lack of arguments is more likely to be a sign that we have given up caring than a superhuman achievement of maturity.”
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Опубликовано:

25 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 442

@arinav5886 5 лет назад

i can't concentrate because of the cuteness of the horses lol

@kkgt6591 5 лет назад

They are mules

@maldivirdragonwitch 5 лет назад

kkg T, that was such important information... :)

@narutofox180 5 лет назад

Did you notice the spotted horse has shoes?

@EuDouArteHipHopArtCulture21 5 лет назад

right ? fucking cute distracting horses .

@dhadad9885 4 года назад

Majoring in minor things.

@heikika6078 5 лет назад

......summed all the points up: 1. You, me, everyone is imperfect (but probably all of us are a bit crazy) ... an everyone needs forgiveness, 2. ensure love also thorough conflicts, don't scare anyone you love, 3. don't expect immediate changes, 4. every other possible partner would probably be at least as annoying as our current one, 5. everyone is sensitive in their own way and even probably a little traumatised / coping with something in maybe complicated ways - and we need to respect that, 6. sleep over the problem, then look how to solve it, 7. [give each other the security we need to] be direct, 8. it isn't about winning or losing, nor about being right or wrong, there is no concurrence - love is no battle.

@xslimshady18x2 3 года назад

Thanks

@shivalisharma1143 5 лет назад

This channel is a blessing 💜

@karlaasb27 5 лет назад

It is indeed, I can't be helpful enough to how much this channel has changed my life.

@anabonn3044 5 лет назад

Alain De Botton is a blessing

@ArielleDomantay 5 лет назад

My SO and I never had a fight but we voice about our concerns as soon as possible. Sometimes, if I'm anxious or can't concentrate on the subject, we wait until tomorrow to talk about it, so we have time to figure out what exactly is the problem and how we can over come it. With this, we have weekly meetings, we talk about goals, voice concerns, and just a catch up of what happened this week that we didn't mention to each other. There is never yelling, name calling, or brining up the past. Even though I've come close to doing all that, I catch myself. It's taken a lot of hard work to do that, but in all, it's all about setting your pride and ego down and truly be in the moment.

@sheilablake4858 5 лет назад

AdventureWithArielle - Scheduling a weekly meeting to air your arguments? Wow, your relationship must be filled with passion!

@mel818 5 лет назад

@@sheilablake4858 it goes to show there are all kinds of people out there and, even better, everyone can find someone compatible with them :) if this strategy works for them, awesome! you can be organized and emotionally intelligent and also capable of feeling and expressing passion and being spontaneous, personalities are complex like that.

@LLLadySSS 3 года назад

Omg I love the idea of weekly meetings. Just setting time apart to catch up. Sounds great

@v_g_v_ 3 года назад

This is EXACTLY what my SO and I started to do. It's feeling better already!

@berylorcales408 3 года назад

this is exactly what we've been doing too. it's very effective to avoid worse fights

@westsi1 5 лет назад

How to love in a fight.

@waterexisting9651 5 лет назад

brilliant.

@a.h7460 5 лет назад

Angry sex fixes everything, trust me, I'm a doctor

@juice.giygas 3 года назад

THIS PULLED MY HEART STRINGS

@coreycox2345 3 года назад

Make-up sex is not so bad, either, A.H.

@georgiana1754 5 лет назад

I usually try to avoid arguments because most of the times I end up more ashamed and hurt by the way I lost my temper than I am by whatever was bothering me initially. However, there is no avoiding them without leading to estrangement so I'm very thankful for this advice. I avoid arguments because I'm afraid they will change the dynamic in the relationship to something more malign. Sometimes I see those couples who've been together for a long time and they've seen the worst of each-other so they no longer even try to be courtly with their partner. While I admire the resilience of such a partnership, I find that very sad. It's hugely comforting to have someone that can take a rave from us but I think it's even more wonderful to have someone that is mindful of both our positive and our wicked sides but constantly tries to bring out the best of us.

@j.b.5205 5 лет назад

Nicely put

@oyveygoy 5 лет назад

Well articulated

@juhitulsi8362 5 лет назад

Agreed

@mel818 5 лет назад

you've explained eloquently something i've always felt. Everything you say i agree with and relate to. I really like the part in the video about how it's necessary to show our "bad side", because I -for some reason- have always felt i must hide my bad side (insecurities and fears mostly) in order to be loved. Also, the part about being too polite... i've always been like that, but it was out of fear of ending up the way you mention: all respect and all lovey dovey perfection lost forever due to cruel reality.

@erasmus9511 4 года назад

It’s true that it’s good to show your other side to your partner but you also have to remember that your partner is ready to see it as in your partner will accept it and still treat you with respect afterwards.

@saswatmohapatra8772 5 лет назад

I wish such lectures were part of our school curriculum. In this era of romanticism, where not much of criticism is usually given to the idea itself, and it is expected of us to abide by it, such videos are a boon for anyone striving to attain a sane relationship.

@PinataOblongata 5 лет назад

I absolutely think so, too. There should be a unit in every primary school called "How to make and be a good friend", aimed at that audience, and then in high school "navigating interpersonal relationships" - it's essential to have some sort basic knowledge of common problems in relationships and knowledge of some of the concepts psychology has hit upon that can help people understand themselves and relate to others. It's even essential in the workplace, which is what school is supposedly preparing us for.

@christinash2235 5 лет назад

Oh no, not in this snowflake snowglobe. The center left would be outraged at the insinuation in state or national institutions that people are horrible and that human nature is indeed inherently bad or neutral, rather than inherently good. This channel completely contradicts the disgusting conceits of post-modern secular humanism.

@PinataOblongata 5 лет назад

@@christinash2235 I love JP as much as the next guy, but I think you may have been main-ling too many of his vids. First of all, no one actually made any judgements on the fundamental morality of humans, we just commented on the utility of practical perspectives on relationships and learning how to navigate them. Secondly, secular humanism has got nothing to do with "post-modernism" (however you'd like to define the latter) and neither of them claim fundamental goodness on behalf of human nature, either. It's funny that you seem so angry about something which you really don't understand well. Perhaps ask some questions instead of making outraged statements.

@djayjp 3 года назад

Very well written OP comment!

@omarabdelaty634 5 лет назад

I wanna repeat this everyday in the mirror “It doesn’t matter if we are right”

@mylifeisamememylifeispathe3140 5 лет назад

Relationships are just consistency, mutual respect, and perseverance.

@AM76585 5 лет назад

Wow, so true...and so rare.

@coreycox2345 3 года назад

There are rewards to that MY LIFE IS A MEME MY LIFE IS PATHETIC.

@Pomeroy09 5 лет назад

"Some times it is better to be happy instead of right".

@miltonnavaia 5 лет назад

Problems in relationships are of 2 kinds: the ones you could tolerate, and the deal breakers. Once you've decided what the "deal breaker" problems are for you, save yourself the pain and suffering by not getting into a relationship with someone who you know has them. People don't change easily

@MrKayMrKay 5 лет назад

And trying to change people always leads to complete failure

@novembrine29 5 лет назад

I think some of us who are new to relationships might do this but not know what good deal breakers are. Obviously acts of violence and abuse are a good place to start. But where do we go from there? Not all disagreements are created equal.

@archbhavya 5 лет назад

@@novembrine29 yes, so true. Sometimes due to our inexperience, we don't even know within our hearts what may later become a deal breaker. My ex-fiancé kept photos and memories of his ex-fiancé everywhere, even though he said he didn't love her anymore. I was okay with it in theory. To this day, I don't know why I never really felt okay with it.

@BCcasa 5 лет назад

Deal breakers are relative... For sure this is about patience and tolerance. But nevertheless it's about understanding why something bother oneself, usually we just can't accept our shadows projected into the other.

@Matrinique 5 лет назад

That's a really succinct way of putting it.

@rea8585 5 лет назад

True, arguments are inevitable! But it is possible to argue in a respectful way and feel close after the fight and that is by keeping in mind that all we all looking for is acceptance and love. Thanks for the video, amazing as always!

@dtl918 5 лет назад

Significant other DESTROYS partner's self-esteem with FACTS and LOGIC

@toomuchinformation 5 лет назад

Would you rather be right or happy?

@thotdonalds8853 5 лет назад

yo this was forreal my last relationship it was fckin horrible

@kristinar.6600 5 лет назад

Not quite. Nobody has the power to destroying anothers' self-esteem. Unless u have a problem then they can.

@gretagrotto5858 5 лет назад

I'm the opposite. If they only express emotion without the facts and logic, I'm at a loss for how to comfort and support them, or change my future behavior. Sure, share your feelings man, but for the love of all that is holy tell me the facts and logic behind it all.

@christinash2235 5 лет назад

I hope you're kidding, because if this is you, oh boy

@prtvrj 5 лет назад

I feel like this video is made for me ... I just happened to have a fight with my love which started off as an argument... I was thinking to myself, why do we do this often? I love her with all my heart and she does too... But we happened to argue a lot.... This video really clears a lot of things in the minds of people going through this phase like me.... This channel truly is a blessing! 🙌

@jemini6429 5 лет назад

Please can you do a video about Loneliness and Difficulty making friends- I’m sure it’ll relate to many people

@faisalcert 5 лет назад

I agree. I am alone and very conservative .

@ethanwasme4307 5 лет назад

For me, feeling alone is the same as feeling bored.

@user-uc3fd4jj6j 5 лет назад

Nathan Lodge being alone and being lonely are two different things though, lonely hurts but alone is okay

@ethanwasme4307 5 лет назад

@@user-uc3fd4jj6j Might just be how I reason with my reclusiveness xD

@shrimp8594 5 лет назад

Really need that

@MosesEmmet 5 лет назад

I look at people funny when they tell me they NEVER argue...

@toomuchinformation 5 лет назад

Why? It's possible to be in a happy relationship and never argue. I've seen longstanding happily married couples, who put down some of the longevity of their relationship to never arguing.

@absdee91 5 лет назад

@@toomuchinformation You know you're wrong and that they're spouting bullshit right? I hope you know that.

@sho.me.spring53 5 лет назад

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and we've lived together for 3 years. Before we even started dating we made it clear what we like/don't like in a relationship. I told him that it's a big pet peeve of mine when people get defensive, myself included. We emphasized communication rather than arguing and ignoring. If my boyfriend does something that makes me feel a certain way (& vice versa), I let him know by saying 'when you did this it made me feel like this. What can we do to work together and fix it.' We work as a team and I find it way more affective than fighting. We do have the occasional arguments, but they're either debates or they end before they turn into something else. I don't condone fighting in a relationship, but rather open and honest communication where both partners are working together to fix it.

@MosesEmmet 5 лет назад

Sho you just stated that you have debates or arguments that neither of you escalate... that is NORMAL for a healthy relationship. People who say they don’t argue or people who get into insane physical or mentally abusive fights are NOT in a healthy relationship.

@MosesEmmet 5 лет назад

Dumfries Spearhead it’s called getting run over, not having a backbone... u name it. If you can’t recall a time when you disagreed with your partner you are either a robot or a spineless fool.

@cameronlavelle4855 5 лет назад

Thanks for always reminding me I’m alone, School of life!

@chaddixon9764 5 лет назад

Lol

@ZaxorVonSkyler 5 лет назад

You make it sound like it's a bad thing!

@EuDouArteHipHopArtCulture21 5 лет назад

haha

@lilacberrym 5 лет назад

But this advice doesn't always have to apply to romantic relationships, but all sorts: family, friend too.

@charlesgoodson1001 4 года назад

I watch this every time after a fight

@morningnapalm9963 5 лет назад

Thanks for reminding me that despite flaws, ugliness, and being more dumb than I'd care to admit. Love is still available to those who fight (respectfully) for it.

@Vivi-xq1gg 5 лет назад

Excellent animation style

@defnekolay7496 5 лет назад

I believe the key to arguing reasonably lies within accepting that all people make mistakes, understanding your own emotions well, and trying to express your emotions well. When both you and your partner does this, things become a lot less unbearable. Me and my partner have very different families. We find some ways of relationship very odd because of this. It makes us anxious. But when it's put into words without blaming anyone, it becomes understandable. For example, instead of saying "It's very weird what you guys are doing in that house", saying "My family was drastically different than this, we did the opposite all the time! I'm so not used to this. I'm trying to understand but it's hard." I believe is much better. Both practically mean the same thing, but the second one acknowledges that people have different kinds of family relationships and it might be hard to understand others but it's okay.

@JoeMama-gt9jg 5 лет назад

I always try to remove myself from the situation, think about it and calm down. Then come back and resolve the problem in a calm manner. If a woman won't let me go cool off and think about it I know that it's not going to last. I'm surprised how many people seem to want you to lose your temper instead of taking time to think about the problem.

@TheDeedlover 4 года назад

hey. sometimes its about passion. if there isn't any that's a problem.

@Summer-lq6xh 2 года назад

I know what you mean. For me, I have attachment issues and really like to talk through things ASAP because I am afraid my partner will leave me. Or if they leave the house to go cool down I have fear of being cheated on. It’s because it has happened to me in the past. Thankfully my partner hasn’t given up on me and I have built trust inside myself again. I just ask him to be gentle and let me know he loves me but needs to step away to calm down. It’s helping me to not have anxiety.

@Lena-mj3kr 5 лет назад

If I will ever have a partner I hope he won't be a horse 😁

@theschooloflifetv 5 лет назад

They can be very friendly...

@toomuchinformation 5 лет назад

@@davidbush6458 BoJack Horseman?

@jem30six 5 лет назад

I wouldn't complain if my boyfriend was called Horse :P

@soorajs6824 5 лет назад

But u will like it if its that big as a horse :P

@davidtorres718 5 лет назад

But what can do one girl and one horse... OH NO. NO NO NO I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.

@angelamossucco2190 Год назад

The truth is normally bearable for those who care for us. Beautiful true statement. It seems to be that you’re saying that having difficult conversations is a requirement of a caring relationship but that the timing matters and that self accountability matters

@alexinamumin 5 лет назад

This was so good and really made me think about how i treat the people around me sometimes, with a sense of false superiority. Thank you.

@isabella2006 5 лет назад

That's some sick talent right there. Thank you, folks. You gave me the perfect framework to deal with my romantic relationship current issues. Keep up the amazing work!

@lolobritto4225 5 лет назад

Spot on timing

@nickieglazer7065 5 лет назад

Lolo Britto For me too! thank you 🙏🏻

@Androgynary 5 лет назад

I know, it’s so ironic for me lol

@damienscullytoo 5 лет назад

same. Same.

@wsieci4204 5 лет назад

Same here :)

@kate-miawhite5633 5 лет назад

👍

@ravencunningham788 5 лет назад

I love this channel so much. Its really a life saver.

@imaneelmillali6797 5 лет назад

Every time i think i'm doing things the right way, school of life comes with a video to show me how wrong i was all along and all the mistakes I've been doing... Thanks

@marcomorales9417 5 лет назад

I loved the art on this one so much! I almost couldn't pay attention to the video haha, beautiful and great message!

@mariila5143 5 лет назад

Thank you. Also, the animation is so beautiful!!

@rubyrootless7324 5 лет назад

the animation is very cute.

@d2k82 5 лет назад

Solid advice. I took small excerpts from this and really saved a dear friendship with some nuggets of truth from this.

@spyroluver0951 5 лет назад

I have always stood by I waiting till tomorrow to talk to another about an issue. Really does work.

@Kris-eu6vt 5 лет назад

Beautiful, amazing and wise! Thank you!

@aadam1893 5 лет назад

These videos really help me to be a better person. Its the parental guidance much of us don't really have... Thanks school of life!

@ellaruth9 4 года назад

Thank you for this. I feel this is an under-watched video, but hugely important. I appreciate, as well as all your work trying to help people who are trying to have long term non-trauma-repeating relationships

@iamawesomeheheh 5 лет назад

you've always been timely and reassuring

@13divyaz 5 лет назад

My partner and I needed this today. Every word was reassuring and relevant.

@nooshnabi9248 2 года назад

Amazing video as always. Thanks!

@WesleyVerhoevePhotography 2 года назад

Thank you for this

@nanoffyourbesyness9577 4 года назад

Never wait until tomorrow ! Learn to at minimum agree to disagree and pick it up later ! But learn to express all your points freely with each other....

@ArtFlunky 5 лет назад

These are so good!

@dickexam 5 лет назад

Thank you so much

@fexul1771 3 года назад

Thank you very much. You teach how to live a more peaceful life.

@whisperingwind7730 5 лет назад

Super cute video!!! 👍🏻 I loved the animation!! 💗☺️

@afsarshaikh9654 3 года назад

You guys are best!!

@sonatajoyy 2 года назад

This was so good!

@araes_ofc 3 года назад

I needed to hear that, thank you so much

@VaneCastle 3 года назад

Thank you 😍

@auroragismrles5849 5 лет назад

This was extremely helpful. I often (always) catch myself trying to win an argument. Also... cute horses hahahahahaha

@MegaNatasha1000 5 лет назад

This Channel is a blessing

@simonaelenamanolovici4376 5 лет назад

I just loved it!

@exoscalmfan191 3 года назад

their facial expressions were so cute, had to replay some parts to catch what was being said. enjoyed watching and learning.

@justinlewis7575 5 лет назад

Thank you School of Life. I've always wanted to visualise horses in love, I just didn't know it yet....

@user-ow7bi3se2b 5 лет назад

Wow :) Thank you!

@thewillows2733 5 лет назад

Pefect timing!~

@rujiajavi 5 лет назад

Thanks! It helps.

@FelipeKana1 5 лет назад

The point about self righteousness is strong enough for its own video, much beyond couple topics

@anniedo2036 5 лет назад

beautifully made and articulates

@instamdgram 5 лет назад

As much as I love them, this is the first time I have ever noticed them to be self-flattering!

@HayfaZlitni 5 лет назад

I love this so much !!!!

@Greatendeav0rs 5 лет назад

I think I've learned this lesson a bit late. There's this thought I had about certain traits or issues were grounds to end things. When, in reality, I too needed to learn how to cope and not be avoidant.

@zachariahstillwater 10 месяцев назад

Well done! Thank you for taking the time to make this for humanity! Great work!

@HannaM1814 5 лет назад

I love this !!!

@alkaloitongbam6684 2 года назад

This is so sweet ♥️ Thanks for this video

@Zarghami 5 лет назад

Arguing is a collision of priorities and every arguement you should come close to an agreement of matching up your values in life. If you stray further from each other, you will lose each other...

@Rvanmeeterenbobbie Год назад

I am so proud of your work, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL JOB!

@krishnayedage8130 Год назад

Thanks

@DevanshKumar1996 5 лет назад

Hey! This channel is awesome! Can you please make a video on how to open up to people and have more meaningful conversations, I know there is a lot of videos about this but its something I really struggle with and I find the way you guys explain things really help :) Thanks guys, you're awesome!

@jeremiahgorrie6555 5 лет назад

This is really really good.

@nahjmarium561 5 лет назад

You guys 😍 this should be taught in schools (I mean every school)

@TM-lk9zj 25 дней назад

This was really helpful.

@Androgynary 5 лет назад

I literally had a fight w my partner yesterday, how conveniently timed lol

@jem30six 5 лет назад

love it. ty sol x

@ashleylemmer8016 5 лет назад

Brilliant!!!

@evek2572 5 лет назад

Thank you ou

@Fulphilment 5 лет назад

This is so beautiful.

@memesalldayjack3267 2 года назад

indeed, sometimes people only DARE to say something "negative" if they feel safe, it's a tricky and confusing balance to know: how much negativity is the BEST ammount, whether you're the one who should EXPECT and LISTEN to it, or if you're the one who could SAY it, it's confusing for both sides

@mjstory1976 5 лет назад

Awesome and informative video

@DubstepDrag0n 2 года назад

I partly agree with waiting until tomorrow but depending on context I know my gf and I have an agreement to never go to bed mad at one another. Even if it takes until the wee hours of the morning we'll talk it through until we're both comfortable and happier than where we started

@fredflintstone8048 2 года назад

Very good video. Myself I say the same thing to my soulmate before I give her a good 'smack in the snoot' that my parents told me.. "this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you".

@MimiTachiwkawa 5 лет назад

Some arguments are made out of love. If one partner is being stubborn at accepting love or gifts because they feel they don't deserve them, maybe due to a past trauma, being able to argue your way in that they are loveable through disagreement can be very valuable.

@MetalCooking666 3 года назад

The problem with all of these videos is that they assume that being “right” is simply a matter of being self-righteous. It’s not. It’s about justice. I shouldn’t have to tolerate someone berating me if that berating is based on nonsense. And if being right doesn’t matter then why can’t my opponent concede defeat? Simple: they tried to win using logic, they failed, and so now they cry that it’s “not about being right”.

@purplewildflower 5 лет назад

I love this channel so much. Thank you for the wonderful reminders that I am flawed and far from perfect and that it's okay (even tho I say otherwise to my lovely husband). :D :P

@gloriouswellbeing 4 года назад

wonderful!

@mariaignaciaromero5944 5 лет назад

Agradezco enormemente todos los videos que hacen, sus consejos me han ayudado mucho a avanzar y saber cómo puedo trabajar mi relación. Sin embargo, llegaría a muchas más personas si agregaran subtítulos en español.

@terrellsimmo.s7271 Год назад

Just blew my mind

@shawarmageddonit 5 лет назад

I don't care what anybody says: Name-calling, door-slamming, shouting, and any other hurtful and/or hysterical type of behavior in a relationship is a MAJOR turn-off. Is it normal? Probably. As are a lot of other avoidable problems, like overweight, credit card debt, and social media addiction. Doesn't make any of them right. Sure, disagree with each other. But don't fight. Nothing good ever came from fighting that couldn't have been solved otherwise or prevented in the first place. Don't have arguments. Have DEBATES. Communicate openly, honestly, and, above all, calmly and respectfully. The sex can still be as aggressive as you want it to be.

@theschooloflifetv 5 лет назад

If you'd like to meet and chat with other people who follow The School of Life online, do download our new app - which is available on ios, Android and desktop: bit.ly/2reyMJU

@maxinedoyle5015 5 лет назад

Thank you for this video, I'm writing a story where the couple is coming back together after being the "perfect" couple who never argued

@theunknown3573 5 лет назад

Finding this Chanel is a big boon to me...😇

@marygouldsbrough 5 лет назад

INCREDIBLE ANIMATION.

@stephaniehand503 2 года назад

wonderful

@christopherabrahamsen1298 3 года назад

I don't even know how to thank The School of Life for all they've done for me.

@JessieLewis 5 лет назад

Greatest video on RU-vid

@wanderson4360 5 лет назад

Wow, I really needed this video. Can you guys add subtitles on other languages? I want it to be in portuguese so I can show it to my partner. It already has English subs, just enable the option to auto translate to other languages. The title is show on Portuguese for me, even though there is no options for subtitles.

@alexcoyg3281 5 лет назад

Look inside,see the pain,the suffering,the joy and the secrets. Accept them,love them as your friends.Love yourself.Understand that your otherself is just like you,feel and have their feelings and pain. Love your otherself and empathize about their view and condition. Its all beyond,after search,real search you see that the world you see is in fact yourself,a mirror.