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How to Set Up Rock Solid Boundaries as an INFJ

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In this video, I talk about why INFJs sometimes aren't great at setting boundaries. I talk about how they get taken advantage of and what steps can be taken to end manipulation. Setting up rock solid boundaries is a skill that can be learned and practiced with the right tools.

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23 авг 2024

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Комментарии : 382

@MichelleB2b 4 года назад

"GIVERS have to set limits, cause TAKERS never will" -author unknown

@SaSuEnglish 2 года назад

every INFJ should have this tattooed on our wrist .

@Beesea31 2 года назад

@@SaSuEnglish no. Not all infjs should.

@LostSoulAscension Год назад

I'm actually the one who wrote this quote. :)

@mahendra4352 4 года назад

The irony of being people pleaser is that, the more we help other people, the more people will devalue us.

@DakotaRising2020 4 года назад

true. and you can't apologize for anyone else, either... what I've found when I do that, they end up resenting me for it (crazy, huh?!)

@bellabong8862 3 года назад

@@DakotaRising2020 Same here! I thought I was the only one who experiences this. I think I just experieced what our unappreciative receivers feel: There's a guy on one of my meetup groups who wants to meet me. He sent me about 8 or 9 messages asking if this option was ok or how about this one, and on and on. His overly eager energy actually diminished my interest. It must be a natural psychological thing that when one over-gives or over-does in an attempt to get approval, it is a turnoff to the receiver. He did nothing wrong really. In fact I thought I wanted this kind of eager interest. Now that I'm getting it, it feels like a repellent. I'm usually the over-giver. I think I understand now why the recipients of our over-giving don't gush with the gratitude we hope for. It's because it doesn't feel good to them and also they lose respect for us because we seem like beggars for their love.

@emilielesauvage74 3 года назад

@@bellabong8862 woah this hit home (ouch) thank you .. this self reflection stuff sure leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but i know its important..ugh

@rameshcppodcasts 3 года назад

True ❤️

@yolandacarrillo3681 3 года назад

@@bellabong8862 After years of beating myself up mentality, I have come to the same conclusion.

@ithacacomments4811 4 года назад

It takes practice. Had the abusive husband arrested. Walked off the job after my boss went off at me. I tell my neighbors that I would be available on Wednesday to help them...my schedule... not theirs. One step at a time....one day at a time ...practice. At 70 years of age I think I have my boundaries set....maybe. It feels so good!

@moniquehuchet3646 3 года назад

Ithaca Comments bravo, I also finally made it at 83, no guilt anymore.

@emilielesauvage74 3 года назад

💚🙏💚

@emilielesauvage74 3 года назад

@@moniquehuchet3646 Ithaca, Monique.. you guys are an inspiration to me (46) .. thank you

@yolandacarrillo3681 3 года назад

Me too!

@imastarboy 2 года назад

Any tips for me?? I'm 16

@shoopshoop2399 4 года назад

My boundaries improved when I realized I wasn't a weirdo and I didn't have to be like everyone else (which I didn't want to be anyway). I finally got an answer as to why I felt 15 years ahead of my peers and bored to death by them. I realized my ability to make deep and surprising connections, which others appreciated (said that was just what they felt but they didn't know how to articulate it) was not bizarre, it was a gift. Figured out that being alone was an acceptable way to live and it's just fine for me to prefer it. And my boundaries began to improve. Now they are less thick, defensive castle walls and more velvet ropes at the entrance of a club not everyone is going to get in.

@Angie_YouTube 4 года назад

Haha love the velvet rope analogy

@berkaytugrel5029 3 года назад

Yes, I feel like the same.

@sabixi23 3 года назад

Yes, my door policy became very hard too.... but I LOVE it and thought about the clubs i used to work at. Awesome to imagine the velvet ropes and "youre NOT on the list and you will NEVER be" :)

@tysonxporter 3 года назад

Ooh i love that analogy

@Anonymous-km5pj Год назад

gr8 comment, good vid Clay, thank u

@LenaBjarskog 4 года назад

Great video! I think sometimes, as we (INFJs) are so good a "seeing people" at a deep level pretty fast, they might interpret that as a promise of intimacy or help. And I end up feeling like "I never promised to do all of this for this person, why would they assume I should?" Then I realize they think we are much closer, than I think we are.

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

yes that true for sure. Thanks for the comment :) I almost feel like many of my relationships in the past were because some extroverted person 'adopted' me, and then I kinda just went along with it.

@LenaBjarskog 4 года назад

Clay Arnall Oh yes!! No more adoptions 😆✋🏽just like I won’t adopt broken or lost people anymore. Equality is the shit.

@maymayrays 4 года назад

Clay Arnall This 💯 My husband finally pointed out to me that because I’m constantly being “adopted,” I’m not proactive in filling my life with carefully curated relationships. My life is actually overwhelmed by “friendships” that I’m actively trying to avoid. Adopters see me avoiding in this way and latch on, hoping perhaps to be the special person whom I won’t avoid. And, voila, a vicious cycle.

@the719guy4 4 года назад

@@LenaBjarskog I can completely see how that could be an issue for you ladies as far as them interpreting your kindness for more than it is. I catch the opposite end where if I'm helpful to a female then they think that I'm going after them causing them to either back away or try to then push the envelope with flattery in an attempt to take advantage of it.

@Raj-bw5dm 4 года назад

@@ClayArnall I am so happy to just know that you are there, you resonate to me like no one ever can even if they are INFJ because everyone is different depending on their life experiences and how they brought up. I am feeling like I have lost my important years not knowing about myself. But i guess from now on I can go and expresss myself for the good of all. I got to knew that I am an infj just 3-4 Months back. Actually met a girl and we connected so well like i connect to you it's like our perceptives are similar seeing this world. During that time I was surfing online and found personalityhacker.com and given that personality test and got inch result and it just resonated with me 97-98% and Yes in my early 20s there was a site called tickle.com where there were few tests which describes you and that time too i have given those tests and found that those results described me but not to microlevel but just superficially. Then i just wanted to know that why this girl and myself were similar and we could talk even through eyes without saying a word. Then i suggested her to give this test at personalityhacker.com and she gave this test and result was infj. Then everything started making sense. My whole life started making sense. Then i found you here and it's like you are saying my words and my thinking patterns. Then today i was seeing your video where you are describing what is infj and in that you described how you got to know about infj and that guy C S Joseph so felt to write this. I also saw video of C S Joseph regarding INFJ and he was critical about few of our traits but he was right if we use our logical and thinking brain. It's like lots of things going in my mind as it happens with us. I wish we all infj could meet at one place but i guess that will not be good because it will be too much as we are much more better at one on one relationship. But let me tell you I am happy that you are there a thinking and feeling twin of mine. Thanks for interacting with this World which is so different than us and sharing your inner rich and precious world which i know is amazinggggg..... take care of yourself because you are very rare.....i have completed seeing your video of being INFJ and i was smiling when you were expressing your situations because i went through similar things and situations. You are right people just run away from me when they say something to prove themselves right and i prove them wrong logically that they are saying lie or say that they are contraindicating themselves and they can't handle that sheer truth. I am feeling to say many things as we are overthonkers. Takecare ...👍

@jmz8210 4 года назад

I hate it when I actually do stand up for myself, they get upset with me. How dare I not help them. I wish I didn't make others think I'm an intimidating fortress that does nothing for anyone yet people take advantage of this. Though it's true, it's a good way to see who are or who aren't narcissistic

@onthehill3381 4 года назад

Or they ask for support and advice then throw it back in your face smh.

@deepthijayaprakash6092 4 года назад

So relatable!

@stacielivinthedream8510 4 года назад

Yes yes yes that happens all the time with them! First thing you have to do is not set up a precedence in the beginning which is difficult for us. But after years of abuse it becomes easier. Even though we still feel guilt over it by setting up boundaries. Eventually good people will recognize this and respect us for it! It's taking me years of practice to do this. But it becomes easier with each attempt!

@marycain5668 4 года назад

I get bright red when I have to go inside myself and force what I think is obvious!

@annwer7950 4 года назад

Not to offend other INFJ topic youtubers, but you seem somewhat most rational. Great useful and empowering content and keep posting! 👍

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

thank you :)

@alicekoningh 4 года назад

Totally agree!

@coppersense999 4 года назад

Lol three steps ahead with the compliment. At first I didn't understand, thought the preface was addressing other commenters, and of course expecting something critical. The Super Empath goes beyond even fellow readers, and thinks ahead to the feelings of other YTers with their own INFJ channels and seeks to spare their feelings. Well-intentioned but misguided Fe, or attempt to manage a wider cast of emotions than one person is responsible for. There is no need, as a fellow content creator will likely be a healthy person who doesn't take a compliment to someone similar to themself as a personal slight. There are more than enough compliments for everybody. You gotta reign in that empathy, because other people's feelings aren't your problem (even when reacting to your words! Ikr. But two people might react differently to same words, so up to us to know why and what we are saying, and then stand behind the message without apology, regardless of the audience).👍

@edwardwright886 4 года назад

I agree with you. I've watched other RU-vidr's. I like his approach

@tamtam6717 4 года назад

Completely agree!

@gins8781 4 года назад

I have a very fun narcissistic friend. I began to suspect that she thinks that she can buy friendship and smooth over her transgressions with gifts. During a weekend trip with her I had to stand up for myself but I did it in a tactful way. She immediately responded with a childish verbal attack and later with some pretty nasty passive-aggressive conduct. I distanced myself after that and she tried to “Hoover” me by inviting me to a costly event. I said “No thank you”. She hasn’t tried to engage me much since. What a relief. It seems that subtly stepping on my boundaries was a game for her. Now that she knows I will defend myself, she has lost interest.

@AbundanceMindset111 4 года назад

Mmm. Can relate.

@willow6726 3 года назад

Never do anything out of FOG. Fear, obligation, or guilt...generally speaking. Another excellent video!

@jeannined7532 9 месяцев назад

Agree 100% that poor boundaries is directly associated with depression. No boundaries were allowed when I was growing up. I was 100% responsible for how the adults felt and what they did. So, believing I have a right to boundaries, to say "no" is actually a trauma trigger. I give myself permission to have standards. What a concept!

@lycieski3401 4 года назад

I'm finding that I'm beginning to resent people that ask me for favours. My boundaries are so bad. I get upset that they are asking me to do things in the first place. Yet I still agree to do those things. Or feel terrible if I actually do say no. I'm considering ending a decade long friendship because I believe this person is just taking advantage of me. If I had healthy boundaries, then it would not have gotten to this point.

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

Well you’re not alone, it’s hard to make good boundaries, but worth it in the end :)

@shiningdawn8578 4 года назад

Don't learn how to set boundaries on people whom you regard as important or valuable to you. Practice on the poeple you don't care if they ever talk to you again. After practice, you'll see the reward. This will encourage you to start setting your boundaries closer to home. I ended a fifteen year business relationship and friendship the moment I realized just how much I was being disrespected. Haven't looked back. Because of my having practiced so much, I was supremely confident that setting this boundary would do nothing but dramatically improve my quality of life. It sure did!!! I'm even more emboldened now.

@cazbee6126 4 года назад

I've (INFJ female) always had a great nardar (narcissist radar), so don't get taken for a fool. But I have vast empathy which can be easiy preyed upon. I think I will always need to give more than I receive (emotional support, ideas, practical advice, hours upon hours of listening - even when I'm busy or exhausted; NOT cooking/cleaning, I think that is for the sensors). Way too skewed to be healthy. Note to the young INFJ. Practice healthy boundaries now, push yourself into that discomfort, it's important to get balance in your relationships. It doesn't have to be in the same currency. So, if you're going to a friend's house to listen for hours about their lateset breakup, maybe prearrange, "do you have something I can eat while I'm there? I've had no time and I'm hungry and exhausted". And be aware that you may counsel a friend for years over every little mishap in their life, without them even being aware that you are ill/stressed/grieving/whatevs. Then one day you may say "I think I need to talk a little about myself this evening". And they will label you insensitive. It is important to realise how amazingly different you are!! And that some types, however close a friend they may be, are apt to walk away and not look back at your time of greatest need. If we are going to self-sacrifice, they should at least have some awareness of that! Our heads are so abuzz with Ni/Ti/Fe, and some types, you know, are flat-lining most of the time, so we need to funnell this internal whirlpool through our voice-box occasionally - just so people can get an inkling. Finally, ironically, it is when we are at our lowest/illest/sadest/scardest/whatevs that we find it hardest to ask for help. It's bad enuf being misunderstood/rejected/ignored/disbelieved when you are at your healthiest! So I would say, start early. Like... NOW. Get people to help you with little things, even if you dont need it. Stop feeling like a bother to others. They bloody well owe you!! And, thanks Clay :)

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

I feel like you should be making videos too :)

@cazbee6126 4 года назад

@@ClayArnall awwws, thank you, that's a much appreciated sentiment

@nmefdappl 4 года назад

Caz Bee - that's a great expression of power you are throwing out to infj's, like a lifeline! Thank you, you are so right.

@yolandacarrillo3681 3 года назад

At 73 I made all the mistakes you talk about. Now I am ghosting my family, my friends, and even my caretakers. I've cocooned myself with my dog in my own little sheltered world.

@sandrasmith2684 3 года назад

I find that skilled manipulators first seek to destroy my intuition, then zero in on my empathy. Watched your video on manipulation too. Great suggestions in your videos. Thank you!

@laraoneal7284 4 года назад

I go ghost when it is confirmed a person is a Narc. When I’m done I’m done. It happens pretty quickly. I like GRANNON also. He was my first person I subbed to years ago. Now we have a plethora of therapists and MBTI PPL HERE. Love you guys.

@ankitachakrabortyart 4 года назад

I'm an 19 year old infj from India, love your videos alot💖

@Candyliz2003 Год назад

"I want people to value my work - therefore I'm charging money." THANK YOU! (I'm an artist.)

@rachelstone7072 3 года назад

Clay. Excellent work. In typical INFJ fashion ...you have helped yourself and now the INFJ is helping other people. AWESOME!!!

@julietteferrars3097 3 года назад

I struggle with setting boundaries at home. My mom will openly sulk, guilt trip me, and play martyr when I try to set boundaries on anything. Thank you for making these videos, they are so helpful to me. ❤️

@aquariusstar7248 4 года назад

@11:35, YES YES YES!!!! For so long, I thought I had depression. I took meds and it didn't work. But yes, I had to get the strength to leave a toxic marriage--I got involved because I had a toxic childhood experience where I wasn't allowed to have boundaries! I've been through so much because of a lack of boundaries, and it does induce depression. I've done a lot of consciousness work to get out of depression. But I'm just now learning how to set boundaries and stick to it. It does feel like a terrible guilt, but you have to go and find or do something that makes you happy and train yourself to allow yourself to take care of you!

@jinc2461 9 месяцев назад

Thank you for sharing. Had made me realise now

@rachelaknight 4 года назад

As a counselor, a huge part of the work is self care. Finding ways to fill our own jar of pennies (however that is), so as to have plenty over to give others. This idea helps me get in touch with my own needs and honor them. I am an infj who has burnt out a fair few times so this practice is crucial x

@jackiekittie6135 4 года назад

I’ve been in too many situations with narcissists to count. I took drastic measures in the last 12 months to purge my life of toxic sludge. Unfortunately for me that has meant, effectively, everyone in my life, including my entire family of origin. But that’s not the point of this comment - I wanted to say that my openness is a natural part of my self expression and purposely curbing that **in anticipation** of their disapproval, or lack of understanding, narrowness of mind, is not my cup of tea. But my experience has taught me that my exuberance and vitality often comes across as threatening to other women, sadly, so I learned to practice some discretion.

@THEPAHIZ 4 года назад

Intimidate them. Don't dim your light to make others comfortable, maybe feeling threatened will spark something in them so they will want to change. It isn't your fault if others take your success or happiness as a threat to them. You can never be small or miserable enough that that relationship will be a fruitful one. The best thing that I've done is start being unapologetically me. When you stand in your truth, those who can not handle it will clear away on their own and make space for those who appreciate your gifts and want to see you shine. The nights are long and dark, keep your light on.

@MsBettyRubble 4 года назад

I don't share my successes or good fortune with jealous ppl. They inevitably find a way to demean or find fault with what I do. I only share my joys with ppl who appreciate it. So my advice to you is to find ppl who are successful and striving to improve. They will appreciate you and your efforts. Ppl who hate and are jealous are rarely inspired. They bring others down and will drain you of energy. Share your light with the right ppl.

@kimberlychiu5611 3 года назад

@randomgirl8078 2 года назад

That’s exactly what I am looking at. I have a hard time accepting that I am right….I have spent my entire life wondering what is wrong with me because everyone has the same complaints about me. Too sensitive, my kindness and reaching out makes me look stupid, talking about too personal stuff. Very very few ever validate my perspectives so then I just need to shut up. But then I figure that if I’m going to set up boundaries, then I’ll just do it right and doorslam the world. And that makes me happy and hopeful, but I realize how stupid and psycho I sound

@jenniferjager6259 4 года назад

Finally someone who speaks my language 🙌 I took so much out of your video! So so much! Thank you! I was married to a narcissist. I knew that something was off, right away. But at this time I had now idea of who I really am. My family, to this day, is bullying me for my "out of the norm behavior ". But during my marriage, I met a girl who shoved me onto the right path. It still took me quite some time, but at one point I smashed my Infj door and ran away. He was furious and still is. But I made it through. I'm left with anxiety and depression with suicidal tendencies, and other diseases. But I made it. Fighting everyday. Video's like yours helps me with that. Unfortunately I have no friends, but a good therapist. I'm going to be ok, someday.... Have a nice Sunday. Greetings from Germany

@zion367 2 года назад

How are you doing now?❤

@lancelotdufrane 4 года назад

Can’t tell you how many times, I laughed out loud, at your analogies... I have certainly, learned some of this, the Hard way!... 23 year marriage to a Narcissist. Barely escaped alive. After 10years of study and healing,.... finding a way to laugh at it all,... has become.... Gold.

@MyWally100 3 года назад

I don’t usually comment, and there are honestly a lot of people on RU-vid spouting off about the INFJ personality in hurtful, inaccurate, unsupported ways. I just ignore them; no sense in even engaging that. But please allow me to thank you for the very insightful videos you post. Thank you for being authentic and vulnerable. Thank you for approaching these topics without arrogance, with kindness and compassion. I have been delving into Meyers-Briggs for about two years now. Learning I am INTJ was an incredible experience. Subsequently learning that I am also an HSP, and the concepts of boundaries and self-compassion have done wonders to improve my self-esteem and overall acceptance of who I am and to embrace the notion of self care. I appreciate your assessment that one’s personality type is not a license for bad behavior or the belief that one is better or worse than others. I continue to tune in because I share your philosophy that this is all about self-improvement and learning how to work together to find common ground with the people in our lives. I also identify with the insight you share. I have never doubted I’m an INFJ, but your videos deepen my understanding and self-awareness. Thank you again. PS: I also want to weigh in on a question raised in a previous video I watched. No. I don’t believe all INFJs are INFJs because of trauma suffered; to believe this, we’d need to accept this personality type as inherently pathological. Nevertheless, I do believe the people-pleasing aspect of our personality sets up to encounter unhealthy, predatory people who subject us to trauma. And unless we recognize what’s happening, the cycle begins.

@boonefdky 10 месяцев назад

Sports in high school taught me a few valuable lessons.Some things are worth quitting / Learning when to quit. I had a coach who disliked everything about me. When you have a boss or person in charge like that who plays favoritism you are better off moving on.

@justme-ld9xz 4 года назад

We have the same lamp! Haha and setting up boundaries has been my focus too for the last couple of years. Cheers my fellow INFJ!

@anneh851 2 года назад

INTJ: One of my greatest strengths is enforcing reasonable boundaries. Partly because with my long to-do list every day, there's no time for nonsense from others. Especially with all the scams out there, usually involving seniors and computers, I have to be in control of my own life. No one else has that right.

@annhershey8111 4 года назад

I researched "why" I attracted narcissists and it is because my energy was attractive to them and their's to me because I "thought " I needed" to make sure everyone and everything was "OK". Really, I wasn't "giving too much of myself or not setting boundaries" to make the other person feel loved or better. I was feeding the NEED of an INFJ to make everything "OK". So really, I needed to set boundaries with myself.... once I figured that out, my energy changed and gracious, kind and caring people made their way into my life.

@keerthilanka9039 2 года назад

How did you do that? How did you set boundaries for this?

@cjdp238 4 года назад

Needed this. Dealing with Narcissist father. I was also raised by an infp mom so boundaries have always been hard for me. Then they wonder why Im being such a B***h when I do say no. Thank you ✨

@sleepyllama9776 3 года назад

Sending you hugs. I'm going through something similar too x

@maxcrowe 4 года назад

INFJ here and just wanted to say I gained a lot from this video. Thank you.

@graciegracie9187 4 года назад

Excellent. This explains why I had to get away from toxic people.

@joanieolson2240 4 года назад

To apply these much needed boundaries you have to feel worthy of standing up for yourself. Once I acknowledged my inner kid so to speak and loved her, self worth came flooding in. Then the boundaries came up and I promised her I’d keep her safe from now on. Sounds crazy but works, if that makes sense. Learning lots. Keep shining 😊

@sarahrodrian7255 4 года назад

That makes a lot of sense actually.

@samanthashadowhunter4802 Год назад

Thank you so much for this video Clay. Your presentation style is very conversational and had me feeling like I was engaged in a conversation with a wise coach or mentor. I loved the way you explained the NI and EF and how they can work together. Your description of how we end up with weak and unhealthy NI really resonated with me. I also loved how you presented the construct of creating our own values and standards. At 55, how I wish I’d had this understanding decades ago. This video is now saved for rewatching. 💞

@LOLO-up1xw 3 года назад

I recently recognized myself as INFJ. I have had some indicents in my life lately that lead to me growing a lot in the past 3 years. I am also working with a therapist to better understand myself. I think I have learnt the skill that if I ever felt gulty, my mind would trigger a red alarm as I can not bear guilt. I sometimes overly commit a lot of things beacuse of it. So this alarm helps me immediatly go to a digging mode trying to find out where the guilt is coming from. This has been very helpful to me as it gives me an opportunity to understand myself and taks away my anxiety that potentially comes from the guilt.

@hapaxlegomenon7900 4 года назад

Amen. I’m finally getting rid of a 22 year marriage to a narcissist.

@caffemocca8855 3 года назад

I don't understand how people could last in a toxic relationship for so long. I assess everybody before I consider them potential partner. Lately I'm so glad my stacking is sexual blindspot, so so glad.

@meikezimmermann9988 10 месяцев назад

Probably one of the only 30-minute-videos I have every watched completely to the end. Thanks for this. Exactly what I needed to hear.

@rachelaknight 2 года назад

Someone told me that saying no is one of the hardest things in life. I have found it to be so, ....am getting better at identifying where I stop and other people start, and the importance keeping my jar of wellbeing topped up. Big love to all on our learning journey xx

@jessicataylor6014 4 года назад

Didn't realize I was poor at setting boundaries until recently. Now everything makes sense to me. The hardest thing is telling someone no, but you have to.

@rutendodenisemutsamwira 3 года назад

Me too! Goodness, I'm so thankful I found out my personality type and this channel! I can literally feel the weight on my shoulders getting lighter!

@iamsoohappy 4 года назад

I definitely have poor boundaries but I am working on strengthening them.💪 I'm pretty easy going, highly adaptable, and passive...i usually morph into the energies around me, but am learning to realize what my needs are, and if they aren't being met- speaking up about it. ♡ I've also learned to implement the magic word...NO. Haha. I've spent my whole life saying yes...to balance it out, I am saying no more often. (In a gracious and non offensive way of course..lol) I've also been regulating my need to advise, assist, and interfere with peoples experiences...instead, opting to empower people and gift people the space to be and do what they need to do in order to learn valuable life lessons that are necessary to promote growth and evolution. Am I making sense? I havent a clue. Hahaha. Thankyou for sharing your videos and insights. Appreciate you.

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

I'm picking up what you're putting down :) Ha thanks for watching.

@isabelle1976 4 года назад

Yes, you definately do make sense ! Every one of us has to take responsability for his own life and make the journey by his own means. Trying to fix people is a good way for both sides to loose energy and time, i agree. Try to empower people, is so much different. Same perspective here, love that !

@robertbrewer4164 4 года назад

Love the advice on being professionally assertive with your boundaries. It took me a long time to figure out how to do this.

@user-ho1jq4wq4v 4 года назад

Great video. You present an INFJ image that we all should aspire to become. Concise and well organized video that was well delivered. Thank you!

@goodmorningsundaymorning4533 Год назад

It's fun telling a narcissist "no". And then laughing at their reaction.

@emmacarey2949 4 года назад

Your life experience really shines through in this video Clay. It's been my journey that harmony was my goal at every turn up until 2017.i achieved it all all kinds of cost (my demise mostly) so my demise was another's gain, energetically anyways. But like you say, it's a boundary issue. It's just I did try to set boundaries but I was not assertive enough to see them manifest. I think the infj must get to an all time low(deflated) before they can go high and achieve that assertive state for survival. Life is amazing when an infj pulls in all reserves. Infj without boundaries is a narcassists paradise. It becomes a peptide rape and you'll have all kinds of toxicity soaring through your blood in these kinds of company. Once an infj can upgrade their empathic hard-drive to contain these boundaries, they get more access to deeper insights because when your energy is protected, your body becomes a vessel for all kinds of amazing experiences. Thanks for sharing:)

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

good words, thanks for the comment :)

@JonasAnandaKristiansson 4 года назад

Word Emma!! Hope you doing well

@emmacarey2949 4 года назад

@@JonasAnandaKristiansson so well Jonas, hope you are too.loved your narcassist quiz video, I'll watch the rest later.is Rens room still active do you know?, haven't got any prompts on his channel in a while...hope all is well with him too...really enjoyed his channel.

@debdanielle 4 года назад

beautifully stated

@mulhollanddose 3 года назад

"validation from a wise person" - probably the hardest thing for an upper level intellect INFJ to apprehend

@mhyam8679 4 года назад

My first time to be a first viewer!! And i like it! Keep helping dude, anything would go along way with us poor souls!

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

ha, well thanks for checking out the video :)

@inlesinlet 4 года назад

This is *so valuable,* thank you for sharing! I want to mention another red flag, for people who might be reading comments. I've often experienced that I'll say no, or set a boundary that is perfectly reasonable, but I'm met with laughter and disbelief. It's belittling and shaming, and to a certain extent it might even have gaslighting-like-features. I'm like "no, you can't do this to my body" and they're like "lol what are you talking about? of course i can haha" and there's something about that kind of rhetoric which immediately throws me off and makes me very confused. I haven't figured out yet how to deal with the situation in the moment (tips would be welcomed), so I usually just never see or speak to the person again. Unfortunately, I usually experience this type of behaviour from people who have incredibly weak boundaries themselves, or rather, it's like they just don't understand the *concept* of boundaries. Which is very scary. Watch out, fellow INFJs.

@blackwingedhorse8371 3 года назад

Just tonight I was discussing boundaries with my counselor.. who is also INFJ! Wow! I found this video at the perfect time. I never thought of my intuition as being weak but I think it actually might be. I feel so much more reassured now having watched this video and knowing that your INFJ counselor was able to help you with these thing.. it gives me hope of what me and mine can do. Thank you!

@Trypyyyy 4 года назад

I was an ultimate narcissist magnet. The past three years were the biggest teachers of my life in terms of healing from all these toxic people I encountered. My life was ruined by all these takers. It got to the point that I was paying from what I didn't have. I didn't understand why I was surrounded by these types of people and probably thought it was normal because I didn't know better. I did so much for people for nothing in return and I was guilted into doing it. I didn't have healthy boundaries. I could go on and on about my terrible experiences but now I'm doing great. I'm now fully devoted to myself and I feel no guilt about saying no.

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

Happy to hear that :)

@sabixi23 3 года назад

Yes, setting boundaries takes insight. I felt like I am not allowed to say NO, but meanwhile i found out I grew up in a toxic environment and did not learn to set healthy boundaries. But I realized quickly the narcissts by them reacting aggressive and i had to kick them out of my life. I suffer from depression/bipolar disorder and even while i was crying they wanted to FORCE me to do them favors. Doorslam :) Now i am calming down and its getting so much better. What a relief and for my honest friends i take time to explain. They lack information about manipulation and some are still inside of a puppet game.....But my best friend does not want to see the narcisst sitting on her shoulder and I am learning to not involve myself too much. I told her but she is defending that other person and I have to mind my boundaries.

@eva-lottakastilanezer7112 2 года назад

Tank you for this video, it is getting to such important points! Boundaries have been extremely difficult for me as an INFJ.I grew up with a narcissistic mother and my experience was that her need were always “loader” and more important. I got used (trained) to cater her needs. When I learned about putting boundaries to her and told her I needed alone time she got crazy. It helped to hear this is a sign that she behaved like a narcissist. I chose a narcissistic partner maybe it was the way I was used to live. It was difficult to get out of all this. What I see today is what happened is that my introverted intuition got turned off. The narcissistic people tried to rush me into decisions or gas lighted me so I started to doubt my intuition. When this happens those people get power over the INFJ and the INFJ becomes the perfect people pleaser. I am still working on boundaries but the most important I believe is to take time alone to empower the Ni. Maybe it becomes faster when it is allowed to lead again?

@karenwoolley4279 4 года назад

15:45 Thank you very much for the video, stating clearly that boundaries includes having specific guidelines as to how you will allow yourself to be treated, and that's it's alright to revoke your presence if that is not respected.

@qanthony9922 4 года назад

Thank you from a fellow INFJ and I appreciate your hard work on your videos.

@susaville 4 года назад

Thank you, Clay. I feel like this video is like listening to an understanding brother giving helpful advice. I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and am on the road to recovery. I appreciate Richard Grannon as well... I was able to identify myself a couple of days ago as an INFJ, and it was like a hundred different light bulbs turned on in my head. It's actually a relief to know I was built this way, and I'm in good company.

@bananabreadloaf 4 года назад

I don’t know why RU-vid never showed you when I search for related topics! But now that I found your video I discovered your channel and decided to subscribe!

@nicobeing 4 года назад

You are a godsend my INFJ brother. Great video and helpful advice.

@lisasunshine7654 4 года назад

Whoa, Dude. “Death by a thousand cuts”! That is why I ended my long term marriage. Just wow.

@rachelstone7072 3 года назад

People pleasers, if you say no and people dont like you because you won't let them use you....celebrate!!! You dont need users in your life, using you up. Wear it as a badge of courage, because it takes courage to say no and take care if you...be strong for yourself...let the using idiots take a flyer YO and get lost. Love, Light and Happiness...

@JerryRW3750 4 года назад

I wanted to let you know that your videos are truly wonderful. There’s so much clarity to be gained from them and, to me, it’s like a catapult to the next part of my growth. Your videos help me understand and articulate where I’m at, so I can move on from trying to figure out without words and I can start becoming aware of these things. Thank you.

@ghastlybaker117 9 месяцев назад

Setting boundaries: 1. Accept that you have standards and enforce them when they are crossed. Helps identify toxic people who can't take no as an answer. 2. Make your standards like a company policy. 3. Communicate your boundaries. Assertive without aggressive. "Appreciate you thinking about me or my capabilities ... declare your boundary." 4. Watch out for people who creep across your boundaries by giving false hopes, making false promises. Build your introverted intuition, verify and validate your Ni abilities. Most people do not grasp Ni. Build confidence while dealing with manipulative people.

@lynxsaidno 4 года назад

This video was so helpful, not just for INFJs but for anyone who struggles with boundaries. This has been something I've been working with my therapist for the past year and it was something I didn't even know about myself until she flat out told me. Setting boundaries has been something I've been actively working on since I know now that I had been taken advantage of in relationships. I give too much and they take, and then I end up resenting them for taking so much and having my needs unfulfilled, but I have to have some accountability for not setting boundaries for myself if I don't want this to keep happening again and again going forward. I appreciate your insights and I look forward to more videos. You have a very nice, calming energy and I love that.

@8888-9 2 года назад

Thank you for sharing your video. Late in life I have realised how vital my developing self respect. That challenged me to learn how to stand up for myself. This showed me how I then would fear their backlash. Which would actually reveal more about their behaviours. I had to learn to claim what belongs to me. What does not.

@dionmcgee5610 4 года назад

Another great video. You cover so much ground in diverse areas. The perfect definition of a Narcissist. A person who has no empathy. Explains every type of nasty behavior that might seem incomprehensible otherwise. For those of us who have a real problem dealing with confrontation- which is probably everyone reading this who isn't a narcissist or extrovert- Remaining calm and "centered" is essential to avoid getting excited and just giving in under the pressure to acquiesce. Especially if the person knows you and is acting deliberately without haste-knowing that time will win out due to your impatience. Getting older you learn how to "be in the moment" . For Spiritualists there was a book "Be here now". For Rationalists "Intelligence squared" The mind considering the mind in one moment of time in eternity. When you're thinking about eternity it's much easier to stay calm. You don't have to blurt out something during a moment of silence. Instead, learn to take your time and not become nervous around other people, especially when meeting strangers you would prefer to 7 impress. Consider ETERNITY to ease anxiety. and also INFINITY to keep your existence in perspective and your ego in check.

@anabautista8071 Год назад

Introverted intuition; extroverted feeling = top functions of an INFJ

@rosierich6561 4 года назад

So inspiring. I deal with this when it comes to toxic family and work relationships. I'm a nurse and do a lot of education and outreach. The obstacles and issues that I come across have solutions but I find so many are scared of change! Going outside of their comfort to admit how they've added to the problem. As an Infj, I don't want to point fingers! All we want is respect and boundaries as well as to help to fix the problem. So many people complain and murmur about how bad or difficult something is and this is where they stop. I've seen people get together to agree in a problem...but there is not true discussion on solution and the follow through. When we offer solutions, ways out....we are looked at as crazy, or I hear " that probably won't work, not sure if I can do that, or it will take money so no"...sigh. My boundaries have been non existent for so long because I genuinely want to help everyone. Yet, the same people come back for more ideas and help in some of same or even new problems.......so confusing. The cycle continues

@sust8n 4 года назад

Great info and advice. Thanks for sharing your Ni-Fe thoughts and ideas on these things. It's not just for INFJ's - I'm an INTP and find great value in what your saying. Thank you.

@heynow7363 Месяц назад

I seem to have all of the characteristics. I really like your video chat like presentation. This boundary setting is really helping me, thanks! When I get overwhelmed I either slam the door at least for a while or get mean. Your tips on being direct but nice will help me a lot. I am in business for myself, and in a trade that has lots of emergency calls. It is sooooo easy to fall into the friend zone and wind up working for very low wages at best. Everyone is your friend when you can fix things, and I wind up never having free time for ME. Then people ask why my phone is off and I don't respond for days. I sent some fairly nasty texts the past 2 days, because here it is before a major holiday and people notice things not working at the last minute. I will right now utilize your advice and set an auto text reply and outgoing voice-mail message stating that I thank them for their call, and am booked for at least a week after the holiday (which I am) and wish them a happy 4th of July. 😊 THANK YOU SO MUCH for your information!!!

@carterspalding553 4 года назад

Clay Arnall thank you for this. #superbcontent. yes. i'm an INFJ!

@improvingman6866 4 года назад

I’m very transparent and I expect others to be too and I hate it when people sneakily have a plan up their sleeves and take advantage of you. I think I’m an infj too because I please people a lot and as well as that I’m pretty sensitive but I’ve strong eyes.

@sarahelawady4336 4 года назад

Wonderful video with real effective ways on how to set and communicate boundaries, I've spent days searching for some piece of information that I can implement in my life and finally here you are 🤩👌🏼

@surelockhomes 4 года назад

This video was very informative to me! Thank you for this. You have a great speaking style. Your thoughts are so easy to follow, you’re rational, informed, and your voice and facial features are soothing while still emphasizing the important ideas. I usually don’t watch mbti videos longer than 15 minutes but you held my attention all the way through. My infj mind sees a Ted talk in your future.

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

Thank you that’s nice to say.

@ww9519 Год назад

As an INFJ I have found out that I recharge my batteries easily through a body awarness meditation (experiencing my body sensations on the inside). I can sit straight and do it for a long time and I come out of it totally refreshed, full of energy, no depression, no sadness... We INFJs have a strong ability to delve into deep intuitive levels and meditation is one of the means to do that. Also, poetry, painting, sports, hobbies, in general might do it for you if they are done with a genuine passion and internal energy of an "I"... 🙂

@Aidaho7 4 года назад

Clay You've just hit the points with every word. In every film. Appreciated. Wish You best. INFJ

@user-hl1eo1hz7y 4 года назад

Love you and all your videos. You are the one that helped me identify the narcissist I'm my life. Life changing, I could never thank you enough.

@GlitterGuru 4 года назад

The part at 10:45 about depression being situational (to the point where I too got tested) resonates strongly. Thank you for the insight.

@grumpyschnauzer 4 года назад

This is brilliant, honest, and supportive feedback. Thank you for your video. For me, I don’t like to refer to people as being narcissistic... it’s trendy right now to point the finger and persecute people of this nature... but this is helpful in dealing with people who show narcissistic behavior. As INFJs we hear it all the time: boundaries, learn to say “No”, carve out “self care” time but I forget and need to be reminded all the time. I’ll play this when I need to remind myself that what I do as a therapist with my clients is enough... I don’t need to extend myself past that to EVERYONE otherwise I’m a giving fountain eventually bound to run dry. Just another tip with regards to people creeping up on my boundaries and then the story changes... I will only TEXT those people because those are the types that need proof presented in their face otherwise I end up in an endless loop of details of “what happened” and “who said what”.

@agapelove4992 4 года назад

I believe some people have Narcissistic personality traits so much so, that they miss the memo, no matter how clear your boundaries are. Case in point my ex who ignores my boundaries blatantly. He dehumanized me, never took responsibility for anything, no matter how obvious he was the cause of it, and manipulated me into doing his bidding, by preying on my empathy. I believe he has psychopathic traits, as well as Manic Depression Bipolar Disorder. I had him served with a restraining order, and he immediately started a relationship with another vulnerable woman whose husband had passed away a few years ago. He keeps trying to get me to open a doorway for him to re-enter my life. Hell no!

@aquariusstar7248 4 года назад

The counselor advice...good idea. I'm always questioning my intuition especially in my creative ideas and relationships. This video really helped--especially about the creeping boundary encroachers--it feels good to know that I'm not dumb and dupey--I'm INFJ and I have a weakness that can be strengthened. Thanks so much!

@rwun283 Год назад

Simply put: You hit the nail on the head with this.

@sarahofer4368 4 года назад

This video was exactly what I needed to hear this week. There is someone I know who is trying to get me to work for them for free, which is not my POLICY! Now I feel more confident in standing my ground. Thanks, Clay.

@cheleramos9590 3 года назад

Thanks for the great video! As an INFJ, I definitely can say that I have issues with setting boundaries. Great advice. Also, you have beautiful eyes.

@mven777 4 года назад

This is so helpful for me. Listening to the person that faces the same difficulties as I am, and unrderstands our unique state, is much more helpful than from any coach. Thank you! I needed it so badly.

@Angel-nk4jm 4 года назад

You are spot on on every video you make. Thank you for enlightening me, I have been depressed for couple of years coz i cant understand myself i just recently found out that i am an infj

@sarahzaherah3800 4 года назад

listening on how accurate this is actually makes me crying.

@HannaRoner 4 года назад

This is soooo right on!! You are the first I've seen to put to words what I been trying to tell my dearst and nearest! Just a few days ago I went through a episode of that "depression looking state" and thankfully my fiance was there for me and helpt me figure out what was really going on - and when I understood what the reason for the "depression" and fixed it I felt a million times better that same day. Being an INFJ is so hard BUT when you start to understand your self it becomes a blessing ❤️ I have never been so happy as I been since finding out that I'm an INFJ and what meens. For the first time om my life I feel understood, I understand that there is nothing wrong with me and I can finally find life evidence that works! Great video! 😃👏🏻

@JN-kg7jx 3 года назад

My favorite subject to listen to from you is boundaries

@cordelia1650 3 года назад

this was so helpful i’m sending this to my therapist ♥️ it’s hard to set boundaries especially when you’re still living with your abuser so hopefully i get to use these methods once i’m out

@BarbaraMerryGeng 2 года назад

It’s a long, hard road that I travel .. Rod Stewart / song > INFJ - I love when I feel recognized, appreciated, and included in other peoples circles - which sets me up for being exploited. Add to that, I’m a female. > However, thanks to the internet & smart phones - and access to you tube… I’m finding others like me - And I’m taking in all the great advice & insights - > Clay - you are so right about people using us for services & paying w. a cup of coffee & a compliment.. > No more free rides ⭐️😳🥰✌🏼

@dorisday5871 4 года назад

Yesterday I bindge watched many different INFJ bloggers all of them provide some interesting content but I only subscribed to you because you provide a style that I can relate to and feel comfortable with. As an INFJ it's important that I can relate to you as a person and not just with the words you are saying. Thank you so much, I am on a path of self discovery and improvement after being married to a narcissist for 12 years.

@chalonmagnuson496 Год назад

I am also an INFJ If you’ve ever read the book The Giving Tree. That’s me. However I don’t want to be just a stump for someone to sit on. Every day working on Boundaries and saying no to help myself. It doesn’t feel natural for me but I’m doing it.

@rachelstone7072 3 года назад

Yes toxic people make other people sick and depressed...spot on...it them not you. Get rid of toxic people...if you work in same office with them...create tremendous distance...you can't fix these people. Some people are not fixable (they have a pathology)

@talghow-i2326 4 года назад

After I came to realized that I am an INFJ, I don't communicate as much of what I want or don't want at work. Narcissist don't care.I find it more efficient and affective to set the tone to boundaries by my action. If there is a problem, I cut back on how much I do. That does not benefit the narcissist or the drama queens at work. Sometimes I take a few days for myself and let them deal with the so many others which are thoughtless like themselves. Being a narcissist and a drama queen is pretty low brow. Neither of these two group can provide a nurturing environment in a consistent way. Boundaries are internal to protect them is external. To deal with narcissist and drama queens...intimidation silent treatment and the like is what works to let them stay off me. Communication with these two groups are a wast of time because they are irrational and self serving and therefore enjoys power struggles. My above action give me the harmony vibes. I have learned, if I can not please others, then please myself. Harmony is a great gift that I can always give myself. Hope these words help someone to advocate for themselves😁😜😍

@TedBunnie Год назад

Thank you! That’s awesome advice. I had been taken advantage of by a narcissist and still have ptsd from it. I treated her like trash most times but that hardly stopped her. The person still got away with a lot. You can’t protect yourself enough. They are not normal. I still think about the shamelessness. I think this helps but you’ve got to be as sneaky as they are. They should just be treated with nastiness in my opinion.

@christiananugent9719 4 года назад

Thank you for this video. I really appreciated your practical advice on how to handle difficult boundary testing situations.

@christinazettler5636 10 месяцев назад

This was an eye opener for me! Very well explained. Thank you. 💕 Now I’m gonna be checking out your other vids!

@purblueple 4 года назад

I greatly appreciate your content! Thank you. I have such daunting work ahead of me.

@chuck4fve 2 года назад

I have a term that describes your experience with the job that turned from Red Bull with a RED camera, into Monster with your own camera. The term is "bait and switch." People also do this when they describe only half of the job, and then, after you've accepted, reveal a "by the way" description, which turns the job into something else, unusually in the form of additional unpaid time. When you decline, they are in your face with "but you already accepted." Yes, but I accepted before they gave me the complete info on the job. Seeing a therapist for validation is a very good idea. I was well into my forties when I did this, and I was shocked when, for the first time, another person told me that I should be able to do what I want in life. It sounds simple, and silly, but one can get so used to falling into a pattern, or to being programmed by others, that this feedback becomes very important. Thank you for this helpful and thought-provoking video.

@melissal4363 5 месяцев назад

My live in FIL has been a huge mirror to me. He is a pleaser as am I. But he grates my nerves with his servitude so it clicked! Grown ups can handle their own shit, wait to be asked to help, offer but dont beg to help. Get comfy neing enough without the solicitation to help. I cant unsee/feel how self degradation begs same from others😮

@moniquehuchet3646 3 года назад

Being able to put myself in another’s place, I got used to putting them first often to my own detriment. For instance being offered a position that I loved but a colleague was also offered the position, I knew that she had health issues and that the new position would be helpful to her so I backed out. Years later I was asked to take a sabbatical so someone else could use the position for a time to progress her qualifications. When it was time to come back she was going through a divorce and needed the work so of course her need was bigger than mine and I resigned.

@ElusvOptmst1 4 года назад

Very informative topic. I truly can identify with this. Boundaries are vital for everyone, especially Empaths. The Narcissists take our kindness and generosity for weaknesses. Self preservation is my code word when I feel someone or something is threatening my well being. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, Clay. BTW I am an INFJ too. Many people think its fun to be a rare-type, but everyday is a challenge for most of us human beings, especially empathetic types. I have a question. Have you every became upset and startled individuals, or a person that made you angry with explosive words? I have. My boundary limits overflows and I cannot contain myself. Its the Hulk affect. I have done this a few times in my life and it is surprising to me. Often feeling a little ashamed, but relief that I finally explained how I felt. Because no one considers my feelings. No one truly listens. Its a confusing personality at times, but I finally accept me for me. I am constantly learning about myself and do enjoy other INFJ type experiences. Looking forward to your next video. Peace!

@ClayArnall 4 года назад

I can go 0-60 pretty quick. And I can go years being fairly quiet while listening to somebody say ignorant thing, and then one day I just can't listen another minute and I speak my mind. And then they're sitting there looking at me like I just kicked their dog. Yup, know that feeling lol.

@thezodiacalracist110 4 года назад

@@ClayArnall yes! It's like we try to give people time to learn or kick the ignorance because we give people a chance to grow and we see the good and the potential in them .....then it is super disappointing when nothing changes or there is no growth.

@clastagehtdichnixan3426 4 года назад

Throughout my life, I have been dealing with some toxic people, though only one real narcissist. The other ones weren't good at manipulating, they were just very traumatised individuals and hurting inside. But my life is still not very long though (I'm 16), so I guess I'll be dealing with this in the future a lot. Thanks for the advice on boundaries, appreciate it! 👍