How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone You Want 

I'm so embarrassed to admit how crazy I was when he doesn't even like me... I'm so so embarrassed...

“The more you build up in your head the greater the collision with reality.” Lol omg. Yes!

Heartbroken can heal, but wasted time won't come back.....so true! Thank you Matthew!

What kills me is when they are super involved and you fall for that person. The they pull away and play games but still give just enough to keep it going. If you call the change out you're needy, if you say nothing you suffer in silence and overthink.

I think it’s important to note where this behavioral pattern comes from and heal it at the core. I believe this is the result of abandonment trauma. We are unconsciously attracted to people who are likely to reject us (or act so obsessively they will even if it wasn’t their intention). This is because by making someone avoidant commit to us, we heal ourselves by re-writing the memory of our own abandonment that happened long time go. And if you get intense feelings of attraction for someone early on, it’s often not a divine sign but a sign trauma bond. It’s a sign that this person is going to mirror our trauma back to us so we can finally realize the pattern and break it. And it’s always someone we perceive as a amazing and rare and that’s why it hurts so much when they reject us. However it has to be like this, someone who we’re not that attracted to can never make us evaluate our behavior and decisions. I am sure everyone who can relate to the story in the video has had a pattern of obsessing and very few, if not any normal relationships. And even if you get into one, it’s a constant fear of them leaving or finding you’re not good enough (again the abandonment trauma). That’s why the fantasy is good, no one can hurt or leave you there. And I bet the moment you find another love interest, you completely forget about the previous one, which only confirms you were in love with your imagination. So how to stop this? Heal the abandonment trauma. How? Apparently with meditation and shadow work which can’t say if they’re working, recently started. And create a life that makes you proud of yourself. The more lonely and boring we feel, the more importance we put on people who can bring us even little bits of excitement and we go full circle again. Wish healing to everyone ❤

"Willing to discard the wrong people quicker." That is so profoundly true. Awesome Matt!

So embarrassed right now but I’m glad this is a thing and I’m not alone. Time to end this obsession 😅

This video is perfect timing. I’m the biggest obsessor

That sounds so much like what my therapist told me about living the relationships in my head cause it's safer and I can idealize them

Just give them enough time to show themselves up for how little they value you and eventually both your head and hear will see it. Then you get enough closure to move on knowing you loved and they didn’t.

This video couldn't come up at a better time. I've realized pretty late and after a lot of hurt that I get emotionally invested very easily. What has helped me is really focusing on improving myself; life skills, self actualization, even journalling, and eventually I started paying less attention to the guy. Naturally when they see u distancing yourself, they try to come around but the best advise i ever got was to mirror whatever energy and effort they give you.

I can relate to that woman. I’ve been in situations where actually having the conversation is so daunting you feel like you’ve got to strategise it.

I do this with the men I date-fall very fast. Go all in. Just obsess and look at things through rose-colored glasses. I have to break this cycle.

Go find out, stop fantasizing, participate in real world… A great message! Thank you very much Matthew!!❤❤

I love this episode. Fantasizing is dangerous. We don't talk enough about limerence and rejection sensitivity. I find the real struggle may actually be rooted in allowing someone's NO to derail us from our authentic truth. It's authentic to express our truths. We gotta build our courage muscle just as we would build any other habit. This is an important one. It's vulnerable and courageous to take aligned action. But even then we could hear other's NOs. There's a possibility for both. And it's important to remember that is not failing at relationships. It's doing relationships justice and courageously moving on together or apart. But moving on anyway.

Best advice you gave; don’t invest in someone who hasn’t invested enough in you. Go for it, keep moving forward.

The obsession will go away after 3-5 months...trust me I know. I was obsessed with someone for over a year, he really got under my skin and going anywhere without him, like gym, it felt like I had lost an arm or and a leg...and then all of a sudden I met someone else

''The heart can repair, the thing they never get back is their time.'' - i really needed this. Thank you.

“We are the Person we take to every situation”.....this is so powerful

I was dating someone for a few months that I absolutely adored, and he adored me. It was very passionate. My obsessive need to look at his social media actually lead me to find out that he was already in a serious relationship, and I was the "other woman" 😅 Ended that quickly, and let her know, but to this day I haven't ever felt quite the same for someone as I felt about him.

Oh wow.. Yeah I totally understand this person from your story.. 5 years ago I was working at a coffee shop and one morning a gorgeous marine police officer came to drink a coffee. I never was interested in our clients but the looks he was giving me and smiles were a little different from other client's usual polite ones. Haven't thought about it much but next day he came again even tho there were a lot of other coffee shops much more near the beach he worked on. He kept coming every single morning for a week so even my colleagues started gossiping that he's coming because of me. One day I was doing a night shift and he even asked my colleague about me, if it's my day off cause i'm not there. In my mind I had already all this love story cause the stares we shared felt so "intense" (can't even explain it) even tho me and my colleagues were kinda "why the hell he's not asking for your number or something like this, he couldn't be more obvious about being interested in you. I was a little shy to ask it myself so I was waiting while fantasizing with this man who's coming every morning all the way here. Well one morning he came even before the shop was officially open but I said that he can come in and made him coffee while sitting on a table preparing things for the day. He sat on my table drinking his coffee and talking to me. Then even tho I was pretty sure he was single because of all this little "signs" or his strange behavior compared to other clients during the week, I still asked- So, are you single? - to what he responded that he was not, that he has a girlfriend that's in another part of the country. . . . Well, I can't explain how stupid I felt for all this love fantasy scenarios in my head all this days and going along with my colleague's gossips about us. Omg I felt so embarrassed but well, who to blame about it if not my vivid imagination. And yeah, not that it was only my imagination because he actually asked for my number that day and guess he was taking this long while thinking if it's a right thing to do or not while in relationship.. -.- Anyway, I just learnt that next time something like this happen that I should just take a risk, go for it quicker and sooner ask if the person is single or not to don't waste my time fantasizing about thing that can't even happen cause men in relationships are not something i'm interested in.. But it was a little bit insane to realize that I was feeling all this "passion" and made this "love story" JUST because of the way we looked at each other. Good to know that i'm not the only one who had this crazy feeling out of nothing.. 🥲

Love this one: stop guessing, stop assuming, stop fantasizing, stop future projecting. GO FIND OUT.

Having such a good connection with someone and a few dates that were sooo great and they meet your standards and they admire your mindset…then boom they went cold and I stopped hearing from him. It was soooo sudden no indication no red flags indicating this. I feel slapped to the ground so bad because I have been single since 2018 working on myself and I thought I finally met a future best friend or future partner. They seemed interested too. Wtf man, I was rooting for you! Now I feel like I enjoyed them too much, I mean me and this person would talk until the restaurant kicked us out. I feel like a clown falling into the idea that something was happening and being so happy I found someone who consistently spent time with me and looked like they enjoyed it just as much. Now I have to shake off all of those wonderful memories and grieve. This actually hurt me and makes it feel like a fever dream that this all happened the past couple of months.

Our creator built us this way - when we obsess over our fantasy person our brain releases pleasure chemicals that excite and bring us incredible good feelings. That’s why we do it and also what makes it hard to stop.

Let go, be in a state of non-resistence and if they want you they will not be gone too long if at all. Focus on yourself. 🌸🌸🌸🌸

Omggg u can't imagine how OBSSESSED I am over a guy that i find extremely hot, i feel like he's my type and that everything in him is perfect and he's the one and i'm never finding someone like him(tho i barely know him).. today i kept thinking about him THE WHOLE DAY and didn't do any productive thing at all, i also try to be around him as much as possible and keep stalking his photos, i am so obssessed that i can't stop thinking abt him or stalking him and i feel like a creep (specially when i take the roads that he takes or keep waiting for him to pass by just to see him for extra minutes), I'm tired of my obssession cuz it's killing me and waisting my time :'(

That story at the beginning was way too similar to something I just experienced a month ago, it was scary accurate. I exchanged looks with this guy at my gym for days In a row and I found him really attractive, my next step was either going to ask the front desk about him or approach him directly. But the next time I had saw him he came with a girl and I felt crushed in that moment and it literally felt like a breakup in my mind like you said and I was like why? all we did was exchange looks and smiled at each other we hadnt even had a conversation yet! I needed this video. I'm glad I don't feel alone now.

I work with him, and I’ll never mix workplace and dating. If something serious ever grew, somebody would have to transfer out. It’s so unprofessional. Repressing strong feelings at work unfortunately seems to lead to this fantasy thing as I try to squash the feelings back and stick them in the corner. Creative mind is like “fine go ahead and ignore those, but I’ll be over here planning your future together” 🤣 It’s deeply annoying, and the struggle is real. Doubling down on me and my reality must be the only option to keep grounded and move forward. What a bizarre situation.

Oh man I can relate so much to this…not over a stranger though. It’s usually people I already have a friendship with or have already dated. ITS SO ANNOYING! My brain fantasizes way too much for my liking… that’s why I’m always watching RU-vid or listening to podcasts when I can 😅 it’s just so I can get outta my own head! Ugh life lol

This is very insightful. Also, People, remember something just as valuable: While you are creating a fantasy person in your mind, you are unable to SEE the REAL person. Even if you get to know them, you may still be creating that fantasy, and making excuses for them at every turn because you cannot SEE the real them. Be very careful if you fall into this hellish trap.

So true. I wasted more than 3 months to fantasize a guy who is in a relationship all the time.

The explanation for this behavior from a trauma perspective is this. It all boils down to patterns of behavior repeated over and over from childhood wounds of abandonment and neglect. Children who spent their time fantasizing about the absent parent exhibit this sort of behavior. The truth is, they had a very positive view of their absent parent or emotionally unavailable parent but when they came face to face with the real life person, they were disappointed because the parent wanted nothing to do with them or they were continously hurt even when they pursued a relationship with them. So they continue this behavior in adulthood which doesn't serve them any good. As adults we have tools for communicating our needs and wants. We just need to heal and discover healthy ways of telling people what we think and feel. It would be helpful to take your clients through trauma healing and this behavior will stop. I can totally relate to this video.

"I'm just a person who needs to build friendship slowly!" Yeah, your viewpoint is healthier.

This is how I am with my ex. I just can't stop thinking about him. It's been a year since the break up and no contact and I still think about him all the time. I hate it. I distract myself as much as I can but I always end up thinking about him after. I stopped crying about him at least but I hate that I still think about him.

The only good thing I get out of my „obsession“ with a guy I met 5 months earlier is that thinking about him gives me positive energy, and I think it is making me look better, better than I would look if I obsessed over negative things. I feel it gives me that certain inner „sparkle“ necessary to attract someone, that shows that I just live my life happily. -But I secretely whish I could meet him again and at least put an end to my obsession just by noticing he might not be as great, good looking or friendly as I remember him.

I think it's helpful to also consider the reasons why we obsess. I can obsess over someone I don't even like - yes, really! Am I subconsciously afraid of intimacy? Do I have a fearful avoidant attachment style? Do I crave validation? These things aren't necessarily resolved by 'finding out'.

Never ever have the words slapped me so intensely as on this occasion. You will get the heart back ,but not the time. This is so obvious, yet it's been only empty words till now. Somehow U've put it in such a light, that made me wake up finally (not only in the romantic/relationship context). Thank You!

100 percent my best friend taught me this. He was just there, he is not the one. Don't think of him again until you see if he invest. I have totally learnt this. Keep moving unless they attempt to build with you. A man who wants to build with you will ask you and let u know it's more than sex.

Dude, that was a whole lot of calling out... but I think I needed that. Thank you.

I ❤️his west side story act! I thought there would be drama and I can't believe the girl never even spoke with him at the gym and became obsessed.

Watching this because of someone is a form of being obsessed with that person

I went on two dates with a girl after chatting for a month. She was really interested in me before we met. But I made the mistake of dating her while I was in an anxious and lonely place. I came on too strong and wasn't confident on our date. She agreed to meet once more even though she "wasn't convinced I was her type". I did a little better but still came on way too invested. She broke it off. I barely knew her but the potential I saw in that short amount of time, combined with knowing that I could have acted differently and never being able to know what could have been has left me absolutely crushed. I barely knew her but she left me more heartbroken than breaking up with a girlfriend of two years prior to that. It's so weird.

I’ve been guilty on living in fantasy world one too many times.. time for reality😂

This behavior is called “limerence” … it often happens when someone is going thru loss, pain or has not had their emotional needs met in past or present relationships … it’s a sign that this person needs healing and needs to learn ways to feel happy “now” and needs to address the wounds that are driving this behavior. I understand … I have been there ❤

I've been obsessing over someone for like 6 months, and when I finally went on a date with her I was only focussed on trying to make her like me, cause I already loved her, that it looked like I lacked confidence and she told me that's why she didn't want to go on a second date again. Me obsessing over her ruined it while she was the prettiest girl I ever seen (not exaggerating, including models/celebs etc.) and we shared the same very specific taste in things.

I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks, it’s been very physical - we chat daily - but it’s not as often as I’d like it to be and because of that I’m building up fantasies around him

"No points in life for winning in the fantasy world"...AAAAGGGHHHH! TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN! thanks so much. This is very a valuable lesson.

I have done this for years to the point now my head hurts and I feel sick. I found some disappointing things online and from ppl too. But still i obsess- i don’t even find him attractive but there was a connection which I can’t shake. I’m so annoyed with myself because it’s taking too much energy😤 my mind hurts • Grateful for this video

I was stuck in the fantasy shortly after meeting a guy , we talked a lot and had only two dates . it ended ..( I felt him detach but I didn't see the break up coming. I was heartbroken for 5 weeks !! I'm moving on now.my heart has started to heal..thanks Matthew for this video .

Watching this as I know I have become obsessed with a guy at my gym and am trying to stop myself fantasising

I think as women we do that because we really want him to approach and talk to us. To make the effort and let us know he likes us as well. We stop there and just imagine things with him but we in my case I would be scared to make the move! 😄😄

I have a lot of trouble doing this. Especially when they talk to me. I usually think about that person for a while, and end up never taking a chance. This time I'm actually going to take the chance, the next time I see her rather than just daydreaming about her.

Doing a bit of homework BEFORE you date someone is also more important than people think. Especially for women, I didn't do my homework and ended up being talked about in a RU-vid video...hands down one of the worst experiences of my life. And he had the audacity to write me again

It's tough to accept reality, that someone you like simply doesn't like you. Self-respect isn't easy in this situation but it's necessary. And U feel some empowerment in not demeaning yourself over a person who will never love you. No Serial Killer.

This man here Matthew is a life saver ! God bless you.

This is powerful. You can’t get time back, relationship with fantasy is easier and the more you build in your head, the greater the collision with reality are all true.

💪 Don't get too obsessed too quickly 💪 Spending too much time and energy on someone is unproductive. 💪 Overthinking potential partners can lead to wasted time and emotional pain. 💪 Fantasizing about someone is a waste of time when looking for love. 💪 Don't waste time fantasizing, discard wrong people quicker to find love faster. 💪 Avoidance of real life due to fear of rejection 💪 Fear of disappointment and reluctance to engage with life can hinder relationships. 💪 Upgrade your operating system to achieve better results in life. Thanks Matthew for the sharing ^^

Fantasy is something I do all the time when I meet someone .. I needed that , many thanks

Goddamnit, such a freaking easy thing... and I'm just now realizing it, realizing that all I've been doing was just living a fantasy, one that never got anywhere.. I'll ask them this Wednesday and I'll share what happens, seriously thank you.

I never thought that hearing something i already know from someone else would help this much.

I’m kind of stuck in this right now. I’m crazy about this great guy, but he’s engaged, so a dead end road for me. It doesn’t help that he’s a huge flirt. I don’t think he means anything by it, he’s just a really funny guy who’s a bit cheeky.

“We are the person we take to every situation..” that made me laugh out loud. Oh god it’s YOU again! 😂

This came just in time for me! Been hung up on a guy for over a year now after a fairytale night in Greece on the beach. I had thoughts of facetime chats and eventual trips to see each other followed by nights of passion...only to have him finally tell me last week I was too old for him to date but we could DEF hook up bc I was great in bed...I've been crushed since then. It sucks feeling like this but o know its bc of the delusion I built in my own head.

Limerence is really rough. I'm currently at the "ends up he has a girlfriend" stage, trying to let go and find closure to the escapism fantasy that he was.

It’s embarrassing how much I connect to this. I definitely have been aware of this and have done my best to stop myself from thinking too much about this, but it creeps up

I couldn't agree more so truue! Years ago there was a guy I sort of liked, but didn't have the guts to talk to so I ruminated on how an ideal couple we could have been and other similar staff mentioned there hahah then one day with the grandoise encouragement of my pals, I went to him and said, look why dont we do smt together? And he looked at me and said he was seeing someone else, maybe he was, maybe he was not interested at all, I dont know but that time and energy.. yeah, these are good feelings, and I am happy to have felt them truly but I guess there has to be a reasonable limit for that because you live in a fantasy you curate. In the meantime there was another guy who was interested in me, he was an excellent guy but I was too busy thinking about the prospects with the other, so I missed an opportunity there. Fantasy vs reality, well, life is complicated guys you cant have all the right answers all the time. Yes we know it, yes we are reasonable people but we still do it and this is what human nature is so dont be too hard on yourself:)

I listened to matthew when I was single - and i’m still here now that i’m married :) hes so spot on with everything he says that i still like to listen to his knowledge about human behaviors!

Dealing with a small heartbreak at the moment. I really appreciate this channel. Thank you

It seems like this video is specifically made to call me out. Thank you so much for the wake up call!

I don't think it's all a waste of time. It can make sense to find out a few things to see if you're compatible before asking someone out on a date. It also helps of you know what to talk about on a first date. Going out with a lot of people you have absolutely nothing in common with is also a huge waste of your time. (Btw I've been married for ten years and I knew my husband for months before we went on a date)

For 5yrs I've fantasised and finally got that no this week. Devastated but hoping to move the friendship onto to something grounded in that reality

The timing of this video is just impeccable

This video is so on point!! I can totally relate to that scenario..it's embarrassing to be in this spiral of phantasies in your own head and not being able to control yourself. And then judging yourself and putting yourself down. Constantly. A receipt for wasted time. Thank you so much, Mathew ❤️ although I somewhat knew it all I needed to hear that.

Great video, Matthew! And it doesn't apply only to relationships; your advice works on every new life experience that we could avoid out of the fear that it might not work out! Thank you!

This came just in the right moment when I am indeed to caught up with someone I wanted, trying to get away from it so this video was on point for me! Thank you!

I have nearly exactly the same situation going on for me. I have been fantasizing and dreaming about this guy at the gym for SEVEN years. Although I've been in relationships during this time he's still attracted me. He is also clearly attracted to me but we are both too shy to even say hello as it seems. We're both afraid of getting rejected I think. You can feel attraction to someone but still not wanna date for different reasons. Maybe he's just staring at many beautiful girls but isn't actually looking for a relationship. And yes, I'm afraid to find out. I don't think either of us will quit at this particular gym any time soon, so I know if I get rejected by him I'll fall hard due to all these fantasies I've been engaging in for seven years. I'll kinda feel embarrassed every time I see him. It's absolutely crazy. I will play this video over and over again in order to hopefully shift mindset.

Absolutely brilliant as usual ✨️ You always enhance the innate wisdom we all have inside, remind us of it in a very gentle and helpful way. Thank you! 🙏

I've found myself doing this a lot, especially after the first date has gone well my body just becomes attached automatically, which isn't a healthy way to live. I'm slowly detaching from this narrative by focusing more on myself, and less on them.

Sometimes the same thing happens after a relationship. Thank you for showing me why it's important to just let things go..either way:)

I'm going through this right now, and it hurts like hell! So thank you Matthew! This video really has helped make things clearer for me!

„Life begins outside your comfort zone“ - Love Life as well ❤ That‘s what I believe in

This makes so much sense. I’ve done this for so long. Not the extreme of stalking and weird stuff but I’m in my head a lot, even with the road blocks. But when I do flirt I get friend zoned lol. Or it’s seen as cute and brushed off. So that’s how it started.

Time wasted can not be gained back- participate in real life. Be willing to go through the refining process of getting results but you need to get out of your head first Thank you so much Mathew, this is more for a fuller life than just love life.

Thank you dear man and team! This energy will free us individually to actually create what we long for and also release enormous energy to serve the world. To be able to created sacred loving partnerships where we can collaborate with, enjoy & uplift each other, YES, let’s go for that, starting with the partnerships with ourselves. So much love, power and blessings to everyone.

This... I can't thank you enough for sharing your thoughts about this. I've been dating this person for a few days and I can't seem to get him out of my mind. Even though I may appear cool on the outside, that does not mean that I'm not obsessing over him, and I realized that I need to work on this obsession of mine as soon as possible because I don't want the other person nor the people around me to suffer because of it.

This is my favourite channel. I especially like it when you explain everything so nicely. I wish you a lot of success with the channel and happy life.

So good! Thank you for this helpful reminder 🙏🏼

This is my fav Matthew Hussey video ever! Straight & to the point!

Thank you so much for going over such an important topic, I have struggled with this so much, not only when approaching/starting out with someone, but also after being together with them for months, even years sometimes. These are the types of videos that I wish more dating and romance advice would focus on.

this was soooo relatable 😭😭. wish this was uploaded couple weeks ago when I was in this very situation and going through a hard time

Matthew, thank you so much for this video. I’ve been watching you and other coaches on RU-vid for about 12 months. But, this video really resonated with me. You touched on some really deep stuff here. It has helped me enormously. Thanks again. 😊

This video is a turning point in my life. Thank you so much Matthew!

Thankyou for delivering these hard truths with so much authenticity and my favorite part humor. The charismatic jokes in between the hard truths are really delightful when coping with trying to achieve the healthy mindset you’re spinning.

its funny how helpful these tips and the channel as a whole is to me even though im a guy. this channel is meant to help women but i find it more helpful to me than channels that are specifically for men.

Matthew, you always give the best life advice. Thank you so much!

Jeez. What great timing. I needed this

Matthew, you’re so sophisticated. I’ve learned so much from you that has tremendously helped me improve my perspective on love and I am so grateful!

This is by far one of your best videos

I had a similar experience recently, with even more interaction. He even sent a FB friend request, on which his profile indicates he's married! Like WTF is wrong with people. At first I was excited to meet someone who I might be interested in, after years of avoiding dating, so I was obsessed for like 3 days. I also did the future projecting, based on perceived red flags. Now I concluded that the meet was intended to show me what kind of person I'm looking for.

I'm so blessed for seeing this amazing guy video...now I know what I got to do!! God bless all the good heartit people outhere 🙌