I Hit My Boyfriend and I’m So Ashamed 

Wow

Man and you were just buying her a present. Yeah, if they don't have the boundaries to know not to use hitting in any type of relationship then it's a them problem. Don't use your hands is what you tell little ones not grown people.

I admire you. Don’t look back because it was never going to get better! Only worse. My first husband didn’t hit me or treat me bad until after we got married but it changed on our wedding day. I was so young and I stayed too long because it never got better until I ended it. And I’m lucky!

My wife hit me about 8 times, and kicked me once. One time in the chick fil a drive through. They were always out of a flash of anger but played off as it was “my punishment” for making a joke or whatever made her angry. She had major anger problems. I divorced her when I found out she was cheating on me.

In the chic fil a drive through… is nothing sacred? Thank god you’re free of that evil, cheating may have been the key that unlocked your shackles, but violence should have empowered you to walk away. Now it’s time to reflect on the lessons that you can learn from your remaining loved ones, what if you heard that someone’s partner was physically striking them in a chic fil a or any other drive through, how disturbing and wrong that would feel to hear, now imagine the advice you would give them and write it down on a piece of paper. That’s what you should read to yourself if you ever find yourself in a car being smacked around by someone so profoundly disappointing again.

Wow thank you for the update. I hope people are kind & helpful to you in the comments. You’ve helped many people by calling in & being vulnerable & by you taking these steps & listening to Dr John, you’re going to change for the better 💪🏻❤️‍🩹

Bless you!! You’re really showing you children the beauty of the human experience…. Redemption! We’re ALL flawed, damaged, in process… it’s how you handle it, what you do about it. You’re admirable by ANY measure. And you deserve a man who will honor your triggers and just show you his damn phone! 😉

Good for you. 🙌🏾 I'm happy you are on the road to healing. It's so much more than many abusers will ever do. Bless you. ❤

Are you still with him?

I am so proud of you for admitting your mistakes. This in itself makes you a good person, that you realize and admit your mistakes. Continuing to grow and get help is the next step to recovery.

Yeah the way he's talking about her and their relationship feels off... 😬

Hahaha bruuhhh

He’s the type that would break up with a girl, and when she asked what happened he would shrug and reply with “uhhh I dunno…” 🤷🏻

It's sad how many people get marry on auto pilot

I would not marry a guy with a lot debt. Sorry not sorry.

Especially if you're old enough to have kids in their teens and 20s 😬

​@@erikak128 well that sounds like mom shaming 😕 if the kids are old enough to get through an evening themselves, then why not doing what you love? I agree that getting wasted isn't a great idea, as a parent or otherwise, but in a moderate manner, for example to just hang out with friends and dance? I don't see a problem with that generally. In this case it obviously is the road to issues but mostly dancing is cathartic. There even are in some clubs "mom nights" where just women are allowed to release some of the energy, to be better moms! I think that is pretty awesome.

@@not-a-ghost2206 I agree parents deserve to have fun and enjoy themselves too. It's the whole getting wasted and hitting the boyfriend portion that makes me think that she's not giving a great example to her kids (who at that age are more than aware). If I ever behave like that, kids or no kids, I hope somebody shames me before I end up in jail or worse.

Its actually a great idea if you’re not toxic

Yup, this was me in my youth. Luckily, I grew out of it and got help. She needs help. Violence isn't the answer.

drinking don't make u violent u choose to be violent that's an excuse. That's like saying i wouldn't cheat if i wasn't drunk.

I have a sibling and anytime we drank together some kind of drama (like Galagher Brosthers knick down drag outs) would happen. She'd get angry out of nowhere and start screaming, cussing me out, etc. We agreed that we should not hang out in bars any more, and while we still have disagreements here and there, we can calmly agree to disagree or patch it up. Some relationship dynamics and drinking DO NOT MIX.

@@thedadlife247 I agree, I am just saying if she has never hit anyone and drinking led to her losing control, then she shouldn't drink.

If you’re a problematic drinker, that doesn’t mean you’re a shitty person. But if you know you’re a problematic drinker and you continue to drink, then you’re a shitty person.

If alcohol makes you angry and violent you need rehab

I forgave someone that tried to hit me and now he hit my dog… I wanna call dr john

@@AC-ly6tg Why? Grow up and leave.

@@OtisFlintdamn, she didn’t deserve that. We are still fucking kids in case you didn’t look around. We still need help, if you are assuming it’s childish to need it. Some of us are brave enough to seek it. You good with that Otis?

If anything maybe the good Dr. can schedule a quick call with the dog.

Two things can be true: her jealousy is sending him away AND he’s gaslighting her.

Agree! I think this caller needs therapy and to learn more about her attachment style so she can see her core fears / wounds & trauma so she can know where and when they came and from whom - so she can heal them :) I agree as well, don’t hate yourself, just DON’T DO IT AGAIN. Get your hormones checked as well to make sure this isn’t being caused by your endocrine or nervous system. Also check liver x

@@AshleyLebedev She needs a proper DV assessment which will include a substance abuse assessment. Just going to therapy unless the the therapist is very committed, is not sexist and has a legit background in treating DV will not include getting statements, timelines and history from the victim. This information is ESSENTIAL in treating this woman because she is a DV perp. This woman has a HUGE incentive to minimize her actions, to selectively report the facts and to leave out her history of violence whether that be being bully in school, destroy property or abusing children and/or animals. For all we know this woman's family or his family may have threatened to turn her into the police or that it she did not get therapy they would come get her kids or something like this and so this woman could have a HUGE motive to try to do a superficial image makeover and to not actually do the work that she needs to do as a DV perp in need of treatment. None of the other things you mention would ever be seen as a legitimate reason or a legitimate contributing factor to man hitting a woman for the first time so unless you can prove that you have given a man in similar circumstances leniency for those things, you need to be called out for your sexism

ABSOLUTELY

I needed this, ty

I had a dream My Shadow self was stalking me. Light made it weak and it needed to travel through air vents because rooms were too bright. I needed to keep a lantern with me to keep it from taking control.

100%! If we allow our past to cling to us as if we are the dark then we will continue to suffer and bring ourselves down. Life may not be easy yet we do not deserve to suffer and halt our own growth because we can not let go of our past selves. Very well said! I needed to see this.

​@@actual_doge3221uau

What if she can’t afford it?

@elizabethbrown5289 Just as much as she needs clinical intervention she needed to criminally charged. She actually needs a DV assessment by a properly credentialed licensed clinician who has the whole story and who does not allow her to selectively report the facts and more likely than not full on DV treatment as a perpetuator.

Yeah caller one sucks. She’s the standard jealous girl who jumps to freaking out. I’d dump her ass

I am glad to hear that your female abuser had to face justice. All too often women think that they can get away with abusing their husbands/BF because most men will not hit them/fight back and this makes them "brave" to do crap to their husbands/BF that they would never even consider doing to a woman their size and age who could kick their butt. In addition, the legal system is often prejudiced against male DV victims when the perp is a woman.

It's fine if you're a woman. Not once did John pull out his old canard for her boyfriend: "Is he safe?"

​@@haploid2kthe boyfriend didn't call in so of course Jon can't ask him. You all are reaching hard😅

@@blueseptember2174 I don't think it's a reach. Jon has very specific phrases he says when he gets a dom violence call from the person who committed it, and he didn't say a lot of those things here, and the ones he did were said softer. It's fine I understand that women dom vio is a lot more serious than when it happens to men because of a contrast in safety. I think the first dude is just pointing out the double standard.

@@redhood5264 you quite literally cannot have the opportunity to ask the victim if "they are safe" if they are not on the phone. This poster was pointing out that this phrase was not asked and it wasnt fair. I was giving the reason it wasn't asked. They can understand or choose not to. But the truth remains.

Is there any rebuilding a relationship after an episode? Or is it over? Like, what if 5 years passed. Is there any time frame where trust can be rebuilt?

My Ex was never charged, my family & friends saw the black & blue bruising on BOTH my arms. I did not report him because I was deathly afraid of greater retaliation or escalation. I planned my getaway over 8 months, left the state to return to OUR home state, took our 4 yr old son to family for a support system. He, then decided it was a “mutual” decision to separate- because I wouldn’t go to work. I immediately got a job upon leaving him, no black eyes or horrific bruising or job loss days to worry about or explain!

The difference is not really amazing, it’s because of the ability a man has to cause physical harm to a woman. No one should be hitting their partner but to me it seems worse when the physically dominant one is doing it.

@@benlol The law shouldn't care about the amount of physical harm. Assault/battery is assault/battery, regardless of the perpetrator. If you do it, your butt should be hauled to jail for it, regardless of what's in between your legs. Unfortunately, that is not our reality.

@@ditttch that’s just crazy! Look at the statistics: men KILL or cause hospitalizations with abuse against women nationally. The opposite happens-but, NOWHERE near the numbers of men against women. I know, escaping a 6’1” Exhusband built like an NFL Tackle (over 200lbs) is a whole different reality, than if it had been me as an abuser, given I am 5’8 1/2” @135lbs!!!

@@ditttch that makes no sense. If a 10 year old child hits me, it is wrong and could even hurt me and should be treated seriously, but you cannot, i repeat cannot, even compare it to if i, a full grown adult, hits a 10 year old. It is less about the age difference or the fact that it is a child but more about the disparity in strength. I may be hurt by the blows of a child but one blow from me can kill that child. Same with the average man and woman. Women should never assault anyone and it should be taken seriously but you cannot blame society or people for raising an alarm when a man hits a woman because that could end her life. We have many domestic violence cases initiated by women, it is terrible, however, we have many domestic violence deaths with the woman as the victim.

@Naejakire3 This woman has gaslighted the hell out of this man for years and you chose to ignore this fact. No this woman needed to be criminally charged for her IPV/DV incident and assault. From working with many DV perps they often do things to try to salvage and maintain their image and to take the heat off themselves so that they keep up their "good image". This woman is a DV perpetrator, and needs to be treated like one. She needs to complete a DV assessment with a licensed credentialed DV specialist Most therapists do not have the training to work with DV perpetrators. Here is something that you and many of the female posters on this video chose to overlook. This woman by her own admission has a long standing paranoid jealousy that her BF has or is in the process of cheating on her. Her constant stream of unfounded accusations along with gaslighting the hell out of this man with each of her false, unfounded paranoid jealousy driven accusations is ABUSE. He confronted her about her paranoid jealousy early in their relationship and told her that he was not going to marry her so long as she was behaving like that. This woman was confronted about her constant emotional and psychological abuse and yet she did NOTHING to address it. This is because she as an abuser was/is not capable of seeing that she is the problem. The evidence IF you chose to listen to the entire call, this guy has been harassed, abused and pestered by this woman on a constant basis with unfounded accusations that he has or is cheating on her. He even told her that he would not marry her because he knew that if she did not address her issues and change her behavior, they would only end up on divorce. It took Dr. John really listening and not making the half cocked judgements that he makes so often against men and Dr John asking some questions before she disclosed her long standing history of paranoid jealousy. If we flipped the genders so that it was he that hit her, ALL of the female posters would be demanding that he get sent to jail and be criminally charged. Demanding that she be criminally charged may be more gender equality than what some women yourself included really want. This woman needs to face and own the natural consequences of her actions and the are/should have been: 1. that she be criminally charged for DV/Assault. She is no better or different than male DV perps. 2. The BF should leave her and never go back. He deserves better. 3 This woman's friends/family members who saw the assault should have called the police and testified against her. 4. She needs to get a proper DV assessment and more likely than not complete DV treatment as a PERPETRATOR. The typical psychotherapist doers not have the training to competently work with DV perps and to treat DV

Nope you might have sympathy for domestic abusers most people don’t he should press charges or at least get a restraining order.

Yes!!! I was wanting for John to point that out! I wanted him to say “she’s just the love of my life”

I agree! I was going to make the same comment.

Amber Heard II

Alcohol is an amplifier for sure.

She should be dumped.

@mwhe3111 Alcohol only liberates the inner asshole which is what happened in this case.

I mean some people do that to have fun. It could just be a cultural difference. Some people do still go dancing in their late 30s/40s. Also the kids were had from different relationships, and lastly the previous husband cheated before not this guy. Sounds like you saw someone living a different life and got really frustrated that other people are making decisions that you wouldn't make.

It is a Hispanic culture thing, my mom and step dad are in their 60s and still go out dancing. It's not like your typical 20something night club.

@@andreagodwin2069Yes, it is a typical 20s something club that these 40 year olds are going to. They all dress trashy af and grind on one another and leave their children back home with their moms. It is absolutely PATHETIC and stop saying it’s a cultural thing, its a low class thing. YOUR parents might go to a more appropriate club but that’s not where these people were.

"Da club"😂

Definitely DOES seem suspicious, but I also had another thought... A sober woman the next morning can see harmless messages on a phone. A very drunk woman, agitated enough to want to inspect a phone, could reach a Very different conclusion about the exact same messages in that moment. It is quite possible he hesitated because he realized that and didn't want to give her ammo to start a huge fight. (just trying to see both sides)

@@TheAprone That is some good critical thinking on your part, As she disclosed to Dr John, she has a long standing history of paranoid jealousy and as a result this man has faced constant unfounded accusations and having his GF monitor him like a PI on a stake out for the vast majority of the time that they have been together. He also likely knows what kind of drunk she is and knows better than to try to engage her in a rational conversation. There simply is not enough evidence to make a fact based accusation that this man was cheating at the time. I wonder how much the false and sexist belief that if a woman hits a man or has an affair it was because of what he did is at play here. This woman is a full on legit DV perp and should have been criminally charged and sent to jail.

how are you now? most abusers who DO apologize aren’t always entitled to a second chance. so those that don’t even recognize what they did wrong and say sorry for it - it’s a bit of a lost cause, isn’t it?

If the genders were reversed he’d say the caller is a psychopath and should not go near any women ever again. That’s why it’s a double standard. He did lip service to condemn her behavior but spent all the rest of the time helping her build a rationalization. It was fine more or less but he’d never do that for a male caller who’d hit a woman. He’s accepted her feelings as fact and accused him of gaslighting without any basis.

@@scratch57No sweetheart and I can prove it. Delony’s literally taken this reversed roll call. It’s I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive (how can I get her back?) Jan 2nd, 2023 on the Dr. John Delony show. Go watch that. Dr. John didn’t call him a psychopath nor did he say he shouldn’t be around women and that guy admitted to WAY worse things than this woman did.

@@flashthecorgi2053YESSSS!!! There’s another one too I’ll try to find it again

@@flashthecorgi2053 thanks for proving my point with that example. he directly implied he wanted to punch the guy's lights out. unprofessional, and wholly inappropriate and unhelpful and self-serving in any counseling or therapy context. no he didn't use the word "psychopath". the point stands. He told the guy he was a monster that absolutely belongs in jail. he made no excuses for the guy, but did make excuses for this woman. His overall assessment of the guy was accurate, gave him credit and held him accountable. but he went out of his way to validate her feelings as factual and accuse the ex-boyfriend of psychological abuse without any evidence. He had no interest finding anything wrong with the guy's wife, but was certain this woman's boyfriend had mistreated her. He took HIS feelings as his own problem, and HER feelings as the guy's problem. clear double standard.

@@scratch57 AND yet YOU lied by saying John would call the guy a psychopath and say he should never be around women again. Never happened in that entire call. In fact, Delony said “I’m so proud of you and all that you’ve accomplished since leaving that relationship. There was no double standard it was handled the exact same. The only reason Delony prefaced the call with he wanted to say some words to the guy was because he just wanted him to be aware of how the following convo was going to go, which John knocked it out of the freaking park on that call AND this call!

She needs to dig deeper than anger management. She needs a full on proper DV assessment and more likely than not actual DV treatment

No. He said that's one possibility. It is. She needs to be able to sit with that uncertainty and still not resort to abuse

John backed off that when he realized he didn't cheat.

​@@tessaoshea5697 Exactly!!

I don’t think John excused her behavior, he said it was probably over -before the abusive actions- or they’d already be married (4 yrs dating). She stated he’s already said her jealousy was a dealbreaker marriage-wise. She needs anger management therapy related to holding her rage in for years over her Dad’s cheating, & Exhusband’s abuse & cheating. Write a letter to the guy, sincerely apologize for the assault, saying she accepts her bad behavior & his choice to end their relationship. The End.

John is a fool and says the silliest things to make the woman a victim

​@@SarahConnor562well said

You are certain he is? Wow! You sound hurt😅

​​@@SarahConnor562you sound like the woman who just ignores her instincts in a marriage or relationship.... If you ask for a phone and see another woman texting your person and they cant explain it....and you are OK with that that's sad.

​@@jfloresdrumsdid you hear the call?

You need to be objective with your evaluation. People who come from abusive relationships aren't rational. It's her responsibility to heal for the sake of her children. Now she is the abuser.

@@wonder12374 Did you listen to the entire call. There is no direct evidence that this man is cheating. While it took way to long to get there, the woman who called in eventually admitted to having a long history of paranoid jealousy and making constant unfounded accusations that he was cheating. It was so bad that he refused to marry her, yet even after being told this, she did NOTHING to own what she had been doing and did nothing to address her mental health issues that were and are negatively impacting this couples relationship. Do you really think that as drunk as she was that she would be have been able to have a rational fact based conversation about what was and what was not on his phone? Do you really think that she is going to be objective and act from logic and facts given that she is drunk and prone to violence while looking at his phone? There is more evidence of your anti male biases towards this man than there is of him having an affair.

Space helps take the volatile edge off for sure❤

Whatever!

@@tammyhiatt1804😂😂😂

Instead of shaming her (creating further trauma which is what caused her to do this) be firm but not cruel and encourage her to heal.

@@AshleyLebedev I'm not judging her any differently than the way that society (as a whole) judges men who do the same thing to women. She's an adult, so she should be held to adult standards. In this situation, the adult standard is to keep your hands to yourself. A person's current partner shouldn't have to pay a price for the trauma that was caused by past partners.

@@ellandecampbell6279 Love you for your comment. You are awesome. I am a woman and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with you.

It’s literally impossible to know that

probably the caller​'s burner account 😂@@izzywox8246

@@izzywox8246it's not impossible it's actually not too hard to figure it out BUT the fact he wouldn't show her and then showed her the next day when he had time to delete is super suspicious. i've never had a problem handing my phone to my husband for any reason and would be concerned if he ever didn't want to hand over his phone unless he had a valid reason

It’s unlikely she would wait for him to delete texts before giving her the phone. There was no reason for her to be checking his texts in the first place.

Yeah, call her back and get her to drive over to his place for round 2.

Leave abusive people no matter who they are - friend, relative, job, partner, etc.

That doesn't make sense. She asked who it was 5 times and he wouldnt answer. It was later that she got upset. He only came up with a story the next day. Cheating men do this all the time. If there was nothing to hide, he wouldn't have hid anything or refused to answer. If you love your partner, you don't want them to be scared or worried like that. If my bf said "who is this guy?" id tell him. I wouldnt refuse to answer so that he escalates. She made a big mistake either way but this guy isn't being honest.

I dont think she has hiding it from him but also its not true that she is not doing anything to resolve it,just what she is doing right now is going to take longer to pay it off. But we also dont know why she dropped out so its not our stone to cast But he doesnt even love her,for the question of “why do you want to marry her” he cant even answer.

Exactly!

@lauraedgeworth6719 Kudos for keeping an open objective mind about this. It took Dr John a while to get to the real underlying issue here. This man has tolerated a constant stream of unfounded accusations that he was/is cheating on her due to her paranoid jealousy

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR TRIGGERS AND USES THEM AGAINST YOU DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. (Internationally written in CAPS)

Kudos!!! You are one of the very few women who have gone on the record stating that this woman should have been criminally charged for what she did. IF she were criminally charged it would make accessing the appropriate treatment easier and perhaps more affordable. Criminal charges would also press upon this woman's mind the seriousness of what she has done. DV against men by women is all too often marginalized by women and seen as funny by many women instead of being seen as a crime.

Glad you spoke up for yourself ❤

She is a very lucky woman ❤

@antonioiniguez You are absolutely correct. Say it louder for the people in the back. (lol).

🎉

Glad your still here!!

This is something people really need to learn before getting into relationships

😂 🤡

@ST-rj8iu If you listened to the entire call, the woman admits to having paranoid jealousy and accusing this man of cheating on her constantly starting very early in their relationship. It was so bad that the man refused to marry her because she was so jealous and constantly making unfounded accusation. With her paranoid Jealousy and constant unfounded accusations with the help of alcohol this man likely just said to himself I am not going to put up with her crap tonight. This woman is a full on DV perpetrator plain and simple. There is very little evidence that this man was cheating, and Dr John does not know about whats app and how it works, This man has the right to break it off with this violent women who obviously has some major mental health issues. He should not be expected to stay with her. They have no children together so he does not need to worry about that issue and after years of her constant unfounded accusations and then along with being assaulted by this woman he was done with her.

@@zachwarren280 Cant keep doing it to yourself man🤣🤣

@twattgurll If we flipped the genders and it was the man who hit her, he would more likely than not have been criminally charged. However, this woman's friends/family members did not see a man as a victim of DV and so they did not call the police to have her arrested. They are her enablers. This woman needs to complete a DV assessment and likely traditional DV treatment with a properly credentialed professional. This is not an "anger management issue" This is a DV perp who has not been held accountable for her actions.

She punched Hispanic punch 👊 Captcha 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

if roles were reversed you'd say 'well she was suspiciously hiding text messages blablabla"

@@CherryFlower24”I’m sorry the meme you are looking for is not available”

True and yet men who hit don't always go to jail either. It's up to those of us who have been a victim of violence to do better at holding these ones accountable. All we can control is ourselves.

@@blueseptember2174my Ex never went to jail, & my arms looked like a cross patch quilt of black & blue bruising. I was afraid to call police for fear of greater retaliation.

@@jangrosemartindale8740 I totally understand. If my ex went to jail, my thought was who would financially provide for the children. So he got a free pass once but he had to leave. Happens all the time. Now I know better and would call the first time.

@@blueseptember2174 Abuse is always more complicated than that. The abusers always planned on how to control psychologically before showing their colors.

@@alluringbliss4165 absolutely

The difference between that man and this woman is like you mentioned: intentions. He wanted to win his wife back by checking off his accomplishments of change. She wants to change regardless because she doesn't want to resort to violent behavior anymore. One of these intentions will bring lasting change and one temporary.

I think John said it was OVER for the guy.

They’re both “red flags” because everybody is… He seems unable to accept flaws in others. He’s not very good at self-reflection. One being more of a saver and one being more of a spender is *normal* just like one being more of a cleaner, one being more adventurous, one being more outgoing, etc. Who in the world wants to marry a copy of themselves? Boring. Like John said, as long as they create balance, that’s all that matters.

From personal experience with women, she will expect him to pay as much as he possibly can. Doctor John talks about her feelings but that’s what got her in that much debt in the first place. She’s not self reliant and clearly prefers to ignore her debt rather than create a plan to fix it. Woman’s emotions are beautiful and I love them for it, but they need men’s logic and realistic perspectives to dig them out of situations like this. Focusing on the emotions is wasted time and will lead to more stress. I would never put myself in this position to have to dig someone out of 150k in debt, that’s a down payment on a house and much more. This will take years and years to pay off not to mention if he makes more than her, it’s his problem now. If your reading this, there’s many woman out there that will be a better fit.

💯

If it was meaningless, why didn’t he just hand over his phone? Most probable, he blanked her for a reason so he could clean up the texts the next time he saw her. Regarding abuse: NOPE! My friends & family saw BOTH my arms be a quilt of black & blue bruising, handprints. I did not call police, I was too AFRAID of escalation. My Exhusband was 6’1” & built like an NFL tackle. I planned my getaway over 8 months, left the state to return to our mutual home state. Our 4yr old son & I had he support of my older sister & hubbie. He told everyone we separated because I refused to go back to work- I immediately got a job when moved. No black eyes, bruises, for coworkers to see or question, no job loss days to worry about!

I grew up around abuses too and have rage as well. I was heartbroken when I beat my puppy with a newspaper. I felt ashamed and loathed the idea of being like the adults in my childhood. I decided to be a loner as a result; I am afraid to lose control.