One of my patients’ husband used to visit his wife everyday at the hospice. People kept telling him; but she does not remember who you are? His response; but I do remember who she is. She is my wife. God bless him.
Also - one thing I would add to that. When a member of my family was dying in hospital, supposedly unconscious and doped to the gills with morphine I know he could hear and understand everything we were saying. And I'm sure its the same with a lot of people who are supposedly unresponsive. That patient's husband was absolutely right to visit her everyday, and its disgusting that people were even saying that to him, in my opinion.
My parents were married for 51 years. My mom was disabled for 39 of those years. My dad took care of her, took care of me, sent me to university, worked full time at demanding jobs and was loyal to her until she passed. That man is a role model for men everywhere,
If I were severely disabled, it would break my heart to know my partner went years without being loved and cherished. Humans need connection, and I'm sure her ability to care for him and their children will be better if she is free to find love and support
YES! I'm sorry but Dr. John dropped the ball on this one. I think he was too focused on her letting him live and being with another man. Of course, that's harsh. But put the guy down, let him go peacefully and THEN move on! That way you don't have to visit him all the time with the new guy and embarrass the old guy. That's what she should do. He can't live on his own, so she's just fighting nature at this point, and that's wrong!
@@charlesbell5500Put him down? He's not a dog. You can't end someone's life unless they're on life support and only the machine is keeping them alive. That's obviously not the case here.
@@charlesbell5500 You're the one who wasn't paying attention. He could walk and knew his family members. He wasn't unconscious and breathing with a machines aid.
But I feel this is different, she is alive but he is not here. We only have one life and I don't think it's fair for her to waste her like like this. Divorcing him doesn't mean not caring for him anymore but it's a way for her to be able to move on.
That's what I was thinking too "in sickness and in health"... I get this lady is tired of that way of life but what about those vows they made.. My husband left me too after health issues and it just makes you wonder about who you married
Congratulations. That’s an amazing story. In sickness and health is a tough vow when things get severe, as the lady in this video I cannot judge. I don’t know the extent of your health problems, but regardless, super happy for you, & I’m sure you came out stronger on the other side. I hope the rest of your life is filled with joy and prosperity. Bless you 🙏🏼
This is a woman who is totally emotionally and physically exhausted, lonely and heart broken. My heart is breaking for her. She's not just wishing her husband dead, she wants him released from his pain and anguish. Not many people would have coped with 8 children and the situation shes going through. I pray she finds some peace and the answers she's looking for x
@@singerjo5791oh we can judge. Truth is truth. Vows mean nothing nowadays. Don’t make commitments of one of the guarantees is having someone to depend on at your time of need. The man is better off with strangers.
@@singerjo5791through sickness and in health is just a vow of convenience? She's not God nor does she decide when his time is. It's up to God not the wife. We get she's exhausted but it's her life. Life throws us a curve ball and suddenly it gets hard.
@@anonymousbosch9265 Anyone who wants to be kept alive and stay married even if they can't talk, hear, walk, learn, remember, or anything like that is just selfish and stupid. The woman in the video should let her husband Rest In Peace and she should start over. Your wife literally wants you to stay with her even if she's in a vegetative state like this? Jeez, that's tough man. I probably wouldn't marry a girl who thought like that because I know for a fact that she would cheat before I would, so it doesn't even make sense.
Women are so amazing. Having 8 kids, taking care of her husband, getting her masters and learning to get a career for the first time in her life. And some idiots are on here judging her.
She opened herself up to be judged. Her earning a degree doesn’t detract from the fact that her vow of in sickness and in health was only good for 5 years
@@Jb3215how many men do we hold to that standard?! 😂 how many men do we hold to their vows? Statistically men leave at alarming rates when women get sick not even disabled but sick. Men cheat at higher rates then women. Stop the BS.
People literally get cancer due to aweful stress levels on a scale of being in situations like being a longterm caregiver for what yould be decades. It's a horrible situation but would her husband really want this to be her faight? For her to lose her life cause he in a way lost his while still being here? It's horrible and there is simply nothing that can make it be ok. If I truly loved someone and it was me - I would not wish that faight and burden to be on my husband to sacrifice themselves in such a manner. As someone working in healthcare I think most people can't imagine the consequences of this
My husband has dementia and is in a facility. I go see him almost every day. I cannot imagine divorcing him and leaving him without my support. And yes I do everything at home. But this is not his fault and he is my heart for as long as he has.
I’m a physician who’s see’s this often. Those saying “in sickness and in health” disregard the heroism she’s already displayed. 90% of ALL people regardless of their faith will crumble under this stress. Marriage doesn’t mean that the destruction of a life requires the destruction of two.
Amen.. she still plans to take care of him, but she needs to take care of herself also and her family. If he were of sound mind, I would have a different opinion, but he doesn’t know where he’s at or who he is or all of the dynamics. She does.
I'm sorry,but that's one of the COLDEST FREAKING THING I'VE EVER HEARD!!I have a similar situation,except I'm the one whose life as CHANGED....I'm glad that I'm a believer in God,and my mum thought me at an early age to be my own best friend,and suicide is a sin,and never an answer to ANY PROBLEM.I'm forever grateful for those lessons....because sickness,disability and dependency ,can OFTEN TIMES FEELS 100000 times worse,and when you come to the realisation,that YOU'RE THE FRIGGING ELEPHANT IN THE PROVERBIAL ROOM,everyone is pretending not to SEE!!
@@leilariley936sir ur challenges deserve empathy and respect but u must know that ur ability to respond on this forum means ur illness is nothing like this woman’s husband. He is hardly aware of what anyone has to say about him, let alone remember it the next day if he did. She desperately wants her husband back but sadly that person is gone. If he could interact like u can its unlikely she’d be asking this question. Regardless, I sincerely wish U the best in ur struggles.
I'love respect your opinion ,because it's YOUR RIGHT !!Whether or not I have disclose my health issues/concerns ...yes,they're different but ,dependencies are the main commonality ,and that's the one of the worse part...HAVING TO ASK CONSTANTLY,for ANYTHING FROM ANYONE IS A KILLER WITHIN ITSELF ..I PROMISE YOU !!Take care !!
My grandmother had dementia. Caring for her alone is what killed my grandfather. In my opinion who we are is our brain. I feel like your husband has already gone home. Finding a new partner that can help ease the load and care compassionately for the shell of your husband might be the right thing to do for your entire family. Many prayers. Might heart hurts for you.
I will not judge. Every situation is different. I hope you can work it all out. Every situation is different. But I cared for my wife with MS for 26 years. She wasn't able to stand or walk for the last 15 years. We were married for 51 years and she has since passed. The wedding vows "in sickness and in health" can be extremely difficult.
I worked in a disability care home where a wife was severely disabled, the husband divorced her and remarried but remains devoted to her and visits regularly, and is her primary next of kin. He is incredibly loving and caring towards her even though she is practically in a vegetative state. Noone judged him for this, everyone was impressed with his dedication.
That's lovely, but how can he still be "her primary next of kin" if they are no longer married? I mean, from a legal aspect he is no longer her next of kin if they are divorced.
@@chronic2023 It's called Adult Adoption. Look it up! Lots of folks get a divorce from the partner in a coma after so many years go by, but choose to adopt them so they are considered the primary caregiver. It's not that uncommon at all.
After 25 years of my daughter having 3-10 seizures everyday, I know how she feels. I yelled at God one day as she seized on the floor, “Take her or heal her!” Two months later, the seizures stopped. I’m glad God chose to heal her.
My grandmother got dementia at 65 years old. She died at 75 years old and was in a home for 10 whole years. My grandfather visited her every day for ten years until she died, longer after she stopped recognising him. He lived for be 95 so he lived 20 years without her but every single year he took flowers to her grave for her birthday and their wedding anniversary and at Christmas. It is a privilege to love someone that much.
@@jordanbrown1309 You shouldn't be watching RU-vid at work. Just kidding. I know right, my heart is sinking with those stories. I hope I never have to do that for my husband because I wish him good health until the end (we agreed we'd both die when I turn 100 and he'd be 116), but if anything were to happen to him, I can't see myself ever leaving him. I don't wanna make promises but I'm pretty sure I would not leave him.
So you would have plenty of people here telling your grandfather he should just move on, find somebody else and be happy. After all your grandma didn't know who he was. But you see, Your grandfather knew what love was, he knew it wasn't about his happiness and knew he took a vow do to what he did. Wonderful man.
If i have that kind of an accident, dont try to save me. Say goodbye and ket me go. Put me down. I dont want to be alive like that and i don't want to be that kind of a burden.
I had a relative who was shot in the head by an intruder. He was irreparably damaged and unable to speak, would drool, and reverted to infantile behavior. His wife helped him do everything, including changing his diapers. She stayed with him. She was judged harshly by the family because there was endless gossip and speculation about her stepping outside her marriage. To my knowledge she was nothing by loyal. I don't think people could fathom her incredible level of loyalty. Her kids grew up to be hugely empathetic humans. I had the utmost respect for her and could not wrap my mind around that level of love. She stayed with him until he died. It still blows my mind.
@muma6559 Same? No, not every human is the same. But what you are really saying is that not everyone is moral, not everyone is a good person, ya that's true. Some people suck.
There are good people who mind their own business and evil people who love nothing more than to gossip and cause trouble. It's always been that way. I learned a long time ago to ignore the petty people. They get their kicks from reactions. To quote Dr. Suess... Be who you are and say what you feel, because in the end those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
The way she speaks is very telling of her selfishness. Just a couple examples, i.e. "He knows MY kids" (instead of OUR kids), "I have an 8-year-old" (instead of WE have an 8-year-old), etc., there were many other examples.
@@firelordplayz I don’t think it’s fair to call her selfish. They have been HER kids for 5 years. She has been a single parent since the accident. Everything she has done has been to support, care, & provide for her family, husband included. I would call her selfless, & a very loving wife.
@@firelordplayzWomen need to respect their men to truly love them. How can she truly someone she no longer respects or can converse with on any level. Truly unfortunate on all levels
I worked with folks with TBI’s for many years. Visit him, have him in your life, but give yourself permission to move on. People who judge you will never understand, but many of us get it. You get can still love him but you deserve a life too.
I just read an article about a woman whose husband is in the same condition as the callers. She did divorce her husband but obtained guardianship. She has remarried but continues to care for her ex husband and her current husband supports her and helps too.
@@sandyjuntunen4088It does if she was wanting sex. She wasn't going to cheat on him, so she divorced. This way she can gave sex without cheating and can still take care of him.
I am a nurse and THIS, this is one of the biggest things the public needs to understand. I have seen many patients and families in similar situations, where you have to decide EARLY ON, if your loved one would want to be kept alive with a trach and feeding tube or allowed to die. Usually that answer is a resounding NO. But all too many well intentioned wives and husbands and mothers and fathers are wholly convinced their loved one will be healed. And they miss their window (literally we call it the “death window”) to let them pass with dignity. Those who go on to get the feeding tube and trach qnd are totally dependent will die from one of a succession of infections, usually from a UTI or a pressure wound on their bottom from not being able to move. That could take 20+ years. It is truly inhumane. It is disgusting and heart breaking the state these people end up in, a state that they would have pleaded to escape if they could communicate. Doctors often try in vain to explain this reality in professional terms but families always think they know more. When it comes to strokes and TBIs and anything in the brain, those cells don’t regenerate. And I’m a Christian too but God, for whatever reason, rarely ever chooses to answer prayers of miraculous healing. He was calling this man home and instead the medical team played God at the command of this well intentioned woman. Death with dignity is a far better alternative to the horrible things that can happen when life is artificially prolonged. Ultimately- people, please have this conversation with your spouse/kids/parents so that have considered it before they’re faced with this actually happening. Because it could. It could happen to any one of us at any time.
I’m a retired RN with 40 yrs os service. Thank you for writing such an important message. Too many people Never have this conversation with their loved ones. PLEASE PLEASE have this talk out of love for your family. It does make the critical time easier to handle. Again thank you for writing such a poignant message.
Everyone should have a Power of Attorney for those times you are unable to make decisions for yourself in your sick bed but you have discussed it in detail with them when you were healthy.
He always has the best way to say everything in the most honest yet not judgmental way. This is sound advice that doesn’t give her an “out” but makes her figure it out in a whole different way.
@@rachelgooden9981 maybe I missed that part of the call, but how did she “choose” to keep him alive? Was there a time she could have let him die ethically and she didn’t?
@@nt3833 The man was trached (meaning he was unable to be successfully weaned from the ventilator). The choice to trach is a choice that we don't know if he wanted or not. The man had a feeding tube placed that should also have been his decision about getting and keeping. I would imagine there were times in this decision-making process when doctors said that the prognosis was very poor and yet she just kept hoping things would get better (when they didn't). Many families fall into this. It's up to you whether you think it's ethical to keep someone in his state of being alive.
I think this is a tragedy with no right answer. I won't judge. I was by my husband's side as he battled cancer for 5 years, including a craniotomy. I spent months sleeping in surgical trauma ICUs. It was hard. But, not nearly as hard as his death. I miss him so much. It was my honor to be by his side.
The right path is staying with said person. Because if she walks away never knowing what happened, then she's gonna regret it. And her kids learning that when something gets hard they can just walk away, they will keep that in forever.
@@c.san.8751 "in sickness and in health" is a vow you take. Therefore, her path is to stay with him. It doesn't say "in sickness and in health unless one of us gets sick and then the other one gets lonely"
@@ellenfogle1224 Who cares how you feel. A vow is a vow. Absolute nonsense regarding people making decisions based on how they feel. Total nonsense. Foolish and immature.
Honestly these stories give you a whole reset on your own life and sobering perspective just hearing what other people are going through. These videos are hard to listen to but then end up bringing a great healing and wisdom. Thanks very much for everything you do and the stories you share. John, you are a world class human being, inspiring countless others to be just as loving, respectful and honest.
@@spreadlove7761thank you, Do u mean with the charcoal binders? Both his Mom and grandmom had the genetic alzhrimers. We have done magnesium threonate supplement, digestive enzymes and pro/prebiotics.
My wife’s health was poor for most of our 18 years. I married her in sickness and in health. I also asked myself how I would want her to behave if it was reversed. I hung with her in love to the end. I will be forever grateful I did. I have no regrets!
I was blessed too ! By taking care of him For the last four years of his life . I thank GOD every day that I had the opportunity to love him even more ❤
Being sick is different than having brain damage and not having a personality or ability to engage with those around you, I’m sure it was still difficult but you can’t compare
My first girlfriend worked as a CNA in a facility for people that sustained brain injuries and I would sometimes go eat lunch with her/them. I remember once seeing a young kid my age who's wife and young kids were visiting him and he couldn't even recognize them. Almost every single one was there for a motorcycle accident, this guy included. I sold my bike within weeks and haven't ridden since.
That's selfless... I know more than a few men who refuse to give up their bikes. My nephew had horrible bike accident, lucky to be alive. He recovered almost to normal. He promised his wife no more bikes, but bought another one.
This is not just sickness. This is a complete change of personality, inability to interact with your surroundings, inability to remember what he had for lunch yesterday. I find it unconscionable that this woman has to go through life alone without a partner, just for Dr. Delaney to pull the "in sickness" card on her. When your partner is no longer capable of functioning mentally, you should be able to move on.
@@fatmat3460 I think you make a very good point. I felt the same, when listening to his response. Frankly, I was disappointed with his not really getting or expressing the nuance of this very grey (not back or white) situation.
@@lisahall1989 “in sickness and in health”. That includes in health (meaning in good health). So we have to answer to God when we divorce someone that’s healthy? The same as this woman would have to?
Noen of you should be married. You don't understand what it is. The man is not dead neither is he brain dead like a number of you are pretending. He thinks , he remembers ( distant things) but he has no short term memory when he does. In sickness in health means exactly that and is a covenant. If you don't like that marriage has that then do soemthing else but dont call it marriage in its historic context.
My 2nd wife and I were married for 18 years. She was ill in some form for our entire marriage. For the last 6 years she has incurable liver disease. I loved her and was totally dedicated to her and our daughter and loved her completely. Never a thought of doing any differently. I married her in sickness and in health and would do it again.
John is a really good teacher. He doesn't tell her what she wants to hear and he doesn't judge her. He asks her to think it through and he goes there with her.
From my perspective, John's bias is evident despite his saying he couldn't express his deepest sense on this. Seems like he had a hard time keeping that to himself.
I think his advice was based on what the lady shared with him regarding her strong faith and coming to terms with grieving outcomes - the ones which she has been trying to fight. I think.
I think people dynamics are varied some stayed when they should have left long ago some have adult children and step children who are not weighing in. Many families continue to live on move forward no matter the stages leaving 1 no matter what it bears on them the responsibility UNFAIR DO NOT JUDGE
I work as a hospice social worker(used to work in a long term care facility) and can understand where she’s coming from to an extent. I see faithful families coming in to visit their loved ones and I also see the patients that do not receive visits, but we’re aware that they have family nearby. The one thing I can say is that when it’s all over and our patients pass, I’ve never seen the faithful wife or spouse regret all the time they spent honoring their partner. They usually express relief mixed in with their grief because being a caregiver is HARD. But never regret for taking care of their loved one.
I spent 20 years as a professional carer and looked after terminally ill and disabled patients. The amount of crap I`ve seen long suffering spouses go through looking after their dying or disabled partners is bad. It`s no disney movie and it`s easy to talk about it as if it`s a movie on the hallmark channel but I don`t blame people for divorcing disabled spouses as sometimes it`s too much and the disabled person can no longer perform the husband/wife duties expected of them, they require professional care.
@@lepolhart3242no one ever said that marriage was a Disney movie. That’s why you make vows. Till death do us part. “I can’t handle it, and you should be dead anyways, why should I keep my vows, dignity and loyalty?” Disgusting
My dad has ALS. He cannot speak, he needs help using the bathroom, he has essentially started acting like a toddler with dementia symptoms, and all his food needs to be pureed. My mom is small (4'11") and its taken a toll in her. We help out as much as we can. She has no intention of divorcing him, but she is getting old too and she needs a lot of support. Illness is no joke, and i hooe she gets the support she needs, but she shouldnt abandon him.
She should do what’s right for her and her family, if her plan is to remarry and stay in her disabled ex husbands life and care for him then what’s the problem? More power to her
It’s remarks like this why people aren’t getting married anymore. What is the point of taking vows & getting married when you are prepared to abandon them at the first sign of trouble?
Just as I was thinking my life was hard…. Time to go say a prayer and be thankful for my health and the fact that all my family is happy and healthy and likely have not struggled with 1% of what this woman and family has gone through
She said "Just tell me what I want to hear, no one ever does." this poor lady. I can't imagine how hard it is to hold everyone and everything together.
A friend’s husband got FTD which is a severe dementia. He knew no one. Became very angry/violent. She had to put him in a facility. They did visit him, but she did move on . She didn’t divorce him, but once he died, she did remarry.
This happened to my former friend's family. Her father, who was a sweet, jovial, faithful and family-oriented man became mean, cruel, and angry towards his wife/her mother. She tried for years to live with him and support him, but his abusive outbursts got so bad that she HAD to leave or she might have wound up de*d. She was a shell of herself after she left, but through faith regained herself. I have no idea what happened with the man. I think he has passed away, but am not entirely sure.
Your advice on this call was excellent. This lady is a Mormon. I recognize it from the terminology she used. She made a covenant to her husband, in the temple. Now that he’s injured and disabled and won’t die, she wants you to tell her it’s ok to divorce him. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for her and her family. You gave her the perfect advice to slow down and let God lead her. Well done.
Do mormons believe in reincarnation? I thought maybe she is buddhist or something. They also have temples and believe in reincarnation because she mentiones she'll be with him in the next lives
In 2011 at 48 years old I was poisoned by accident. That night I ended up a paraplegic in the first of three hospitals over the next several months. I also suffered amnesia forgetting people I had known since college. A very long story short, my wife couldnt handle my condition and eventually stopped coming to see me telling me one time that it was just too far to drive after a long days work. From Nov 2011 to Jan 2012 I had no one come to see me (including family, parents, two sisters, no friends, zero, no one). It took me 5 months to learn how to walk again but only after losing my 19 year marriage, my 23 year career and every dime I had in the bank just to recover. When I got back on my feet again I finally realized that you can only count on one person in this world - Yourself.
Wrong, you will let yourself down. You can count on Jesus though. And if you learn and take the risk to trust again, there are people you can count on too, but your ex wife simply wasn't one of them.
@@Artcore103 he may or may not be Christian, but we all know people who have prayed earnestly for years for help and comfort and it never came. This gentleman learned he had to count on himself. If he finds others he can count on along the way, that is a bonus but not a given.
I can not imagine! I would want my wife to move on. As much as that hurts to even say, it would be more painful to see her suffer. This story is heartbreaking! But what an amazing woman! God bless her.
"in sickness and in health", but... Her husband is no more. I think that's what she's battling with - the person who she married is gone. And it's not even personality change after the accident. It's more that despite being contious he's just not there. And she was about to say the divorce won't change much, cause she will still be visiting, paying for the hospice, taking children to see their dad, still loving him. But I don't have the intel on being happily married for 30 years, so it's a lot easier for me to go into my first paragraph.
My uncle had a severe debilitating stroke in 1974 and could barely walk for the remainder of his life. My aunt quit her job at age 57 to care for her husband until he died in 1990. I will never forget the love ❤️ and care she had for her husband.
That’s definitely the right thing to do!, I commend your aunt for being the stand up human being and loving wife to her hubby! She took her vows seriously 💯 “for richer or poorer, in sickness and health til death do us past!” That’s true and undying love! ❤
I don't think anyone can really say what they'd do unless they were faced with this very sad, unfortunate situation. We can only *think* we know what we might do.
Yeah I have seen so many comments judge her clearly the woman exhausted There so many people who can’t fathom being with a disabled person on how much work that is it so exhausting
Important observation. I truly believe that I would stand by my wonderful wife whatever may come. I know, though, that you truly don't know until you have to face it down. I can't even imagine what that family has endured.
@@ozhunter6708 “especially men” even as a guy y’all make me so fking cringe because both women and men are capable of such things y’all some of those type of dude like to sht on women because you think you aren’t capable of the same bs that “some” women do
We're all trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life. The hand we're dealt changes constantly. We do the best we can, having no choice except to move forward. Hugs for all of us struggling with our own unique burdens.
This is the most powerful advice I’ve ever heard, which everyone can apply to their lives, regardless of their circumstances. God Bless you all and may he bring you the peace which you seek. 🕊️💐♥️
@Prince15549spoken like someone who’s never been through anything actually hard. Oh you think you have. But from that total lack of compassion and empathy, you really haven’t.
@Prince15549 It's human to seek a partner that can lessen lives burdens. If she hadn't slept with him, she isn't cheating and had she not been loyal she would've not cared for him from the second he had that accident not waste 3 years of her life and still take care of his 8 children. Sounds about judgmental as one can be. Had I been in that situation I'd definitely would want my partner to move on. Visiting me should be enough, I don't want their life to be stuck just because my life is stuck too.
I feel so sorry for her. Mentally, her husband is gone. As a widow, I can relate to the horrible loneliness. I would not judge her regardless of her decision. Sometimes there are just no easy answers.
So sorry for the loss of Diana and her family. God bless everyone involved. Still want to say that this has to be the best answer I've heard John give anyone thus far. Very talented at his job.
John… the way you handled this caller was beautifully! It doesn’t matter what religion is in play here. It’s about her wanting what she wants and you brought that out with such delicacy.
I married my high-school sweetheart after dating 9 years, in 1987. We have four kids and she had a massive heart attack in 2008 and the second one four days into being at the hospital.She was only 46 years old and I fought with getting second and third opinions. I refused unplugging her from life support and Sharp Memorial was able to put an LVAD system to her heart. She was in coma for 2 months and after a 6-month stay at the hospital she was able to come home. I thought she was going to live forever since she had a machine but 6 years later she passed away in 2014 those were the best 6 years of my life has she left me with four beautiful children we had three boys and a girl
Your story is sad but she sure hit the jackpot with you. If you can't be there for each other, what's the point of getting married after all. The legacy she left behind is your memory of your lives together and your four beautiful kids.
I think that the real problem for her is that she has been carrying this load on her shoulders to manage a family with 8 kids, getting a masters, working with her husband to improve his health, managing finances and so on and on and on. No time to rest, no possibility to just be and feel her true inner self. She is still in this situation and has been for many years. Dr. John is absolutely right to advise her to give up all this endless fight first, to pause and to learn her true feelings and needs again. Then God can help jer to make the right decision and she will be able to feel that she is not alone because she feels her Self and God and this will make her be able to make the right decision for herself, her family, her marriage under his guidance. And then it is not ours to judge her. .. I truly wish het all the best for the rest of her life and I bow because she has been so strong but now it is the time for her to let some divine power take over.
My husband lived with an incurable and progressive neurological brain disorder for 5 years. I cared for him throughout and as his disease tormented his body it was excruciating to watch this brilliant and loving man go through the pain. We were in hospice for a year and a half. I promised him we would be together in our home no matter what. Even with that kind of support we were both exhausted. Yes, in sickness and in health are covenants that we honored. When he passed it was a relief that he was released from his suffering, but I honestly believe that I was at a breaking point myself. I still love him so much though I wonder how much more either one of us could have endured. Sending Diane so much love.❤
I have a husband that had a stroke 15 years ago he can’t speak well - can’t even say my kids names , he lives with pain every day and he even gets angry! But I have made covenants also and I stay with him! I find joy everyday through friendships with other women and from my kids and grandkids! I do a lot alone. Definitely not what I thought my life would be! But I do think about eternity and live for that! ❤I loved your advice to her.
Yes, live for eternity. God will bless you for all that you're doing for your husband - your loyalty and devotion. Your crown in Heaven will be absolutely stunning! ✨👑✨. 😉
Curious, how long have you been married to him? You say he had a stroke 15 years ago… how old were ‘your’ kids when you married him? It would be different if you had kids with him.
This is heartbreaking. How can anyone judge this lady? She deserves to live, and have some joy again. Her children deserve to see her happy too. I wish her all the best .
She is being so honest. Thank you. So many people feel so guilty thinking things like this, but this is what they feel. We need to honor this. My heart goes out to her.
Clearly vows means nothing nowadays for better or for worse sickness or health richer or poor …. What if you were the sick one..? And your spouse just up and left please don’t get married if you think like that just means you’ll leave when life gets hard
I do not judge this woman and neither should we. I can’t even imagine how difficult this would be. I tried putting myself in her shoes and I felt heartbroken. She is STRONG
@@accurategamer7085you can not like what’s being discussed without making the world’s worst comparison to insult the woman. Getting fat and losing your brain and will to live and short term memory are worlds apart
I'm sorry I couldn't. I know it's easier said than done but I would never ever leave my husband somewhere far from me. The only thing that comforts him is my touch, he loves when he feels me near. I couldn't not see how they treat him and not know how he feels. Never.
‘In sickness and in health…’ This is as huge a test of that vow as one can get. More grace, wisdom and strength to her for the ‘right decision’. Tough situation.
He is not "sick," he is completely disabled physically and mentally. In all honesty, that is not a marriage. He's incapacitated and she is left as the babysitter and caretaker. They can't do anything together. Not raise a family together, not make decisions together, they can't even have conversations together or be intimate in any way- NOTHING. That's not a marriage. It sounds like she has already made her decision, and just wants someone to give her peace about it and clearly dr. John is not the right person to ask bc he is guilting her which I think is totally wrong.
youre clearly wrong here. she isn't being ridiculed for wanting to leave her husband. dont swear by a book then act like it doesn't matter when she wants something different. women leave men on a regular basis as soon as she thinks she can do better than her current situation. its called monkey branching.@@emg.9246
Dr. John hit the nail on the head. He was kind to her, but to put it bluntly her husband's not dying fast enough and that's why she wants to divorce him. (How do you even divorce a person in such a state?) I agree with finding ways to rebuild your life socially without dishonoring the man you loved for decades on end and made vows to.
Logistically, you draw up papers, show his mental state, get an uncontested divorce. Sometimes you have to do terrible feeling things in life, but they need to be done, if for no other reason than your own mental health. As Dr John says, “Choose guilt over resentment every time.”
@@alisonf6478 just because YOU would do it doesn't mean her husband would or has thought about that. Let's not beat around the bush, she wants out and she can't handle it anymore. So to make herself feel better, she wants to divorce him because he didn't die "fast enough" and because she believes she'll still be "married" to him according to her flimsy Mormon belief about eternal marriage
As a former ICU nurse, I witnessed mutiple occasions where a long term caregiver died before the spouse. She has 8 kids who would be left to pick up the pieces! The stress of long term care giving can be horrendous. My sister did it for 10 years after her husband had a massive stroke. He could not communicate and had one complication after another. She ended up being diagnosed with cancer just before he passed but is still here. I'm not sure how divorce would alleviate anything. She does need a support group and a good therapist. Only people who have been in her shoes can truly understand. There are many out there.
Yep, it happens many times because caregiving for a long time takes a toll on the caregiver, especially when it is a family member. It happened to my old neighbor who took care of her now deceased sister and then her ill husband. Now, the ill husband has to be taken care of by their son after she died.
@@whatevergoesforme5129 Well, that's the point of family and loved ones!!! Why are you complaining about it? If you won' take care of your own family members when they are sick and disabled, why do you think you have the right to force the world to take care of them?
@@paigeawin What are you talking about? I just told what happened to my neighbor. So what complaining about taking care of a sick or disabled family member are you talking about? It is what it is and if you can't accept a statement that is true, then you are dense. Caregiving for a long time takes a toll on the caregiver and that's the TRUTH and not a complaint. It is a reality that one has to face because so many times the patient outlives his/her caregiver whose health took a beating because of mental, emotional and physical stress that goes with the job. Nothing in my comment is about forcing the world to take care of a family member, you low IQ TROLL. I am Asian and we take care of our aging parents and don't send them to home for the aged. Forcing the world to take care of them? Where did the come from, you troll? What makes you think you have the right to preach to me when you obviously have very poor reading comprehension? Gosh, what an imbecile!
Thank you for this message. I cannot and would not judge the unfortunate people who find themselves in these awful situations. Only they can sort it out and we wish them well in whatever decisions they make ❤❤❤
These are the type of issues all couples should discuss before they get married and they should renew the discussion periodically throughout their marriage.
When I was 12 my mom had a debilitating stroke that handicapped her for the rest of her life. She lived at home and my younger brother and I were responsible for caring for her as well as the housework and cooking while my dad (at only 39) was doing his best to keep his job and care for her and us and my grandmother did everything she could do for us as well. Once my brother and I graduated high school we both immediately joined the military to get away from that environment. At that point my mom had gotten worse and ended up in a nursing home. After caring for my mom for all this time and being with her at the nursing home everyday he talked to my brother and I about how we would feel if he started dating again. Living in that environment with her we could understand just how lonely and heartbroken he was. While he did not divorce my mom, he met a lovely woman who was there to listen and basically they became best friends. A LOT of family and friends did not agree with this. The only ones who did were the ones who walked alongside him and experienced how difficult life was with a stroke victim who was mean and hurtful and not the same woman she was before the stroke. It’s easy to judge when you haven’t walked a mile in their shoes.
My stepfather had a horrible accident at work. While in rehabilitation, he was diagnosed with a rare neuromuscular disease called Wilson's Disease. My mom stayed by his side and took care of him. He got accepted into a drug trial that worked. He recovered so much that helped life be so much better. It was never the same as before. We all accepted that the before life was gone and this was what it is now. Finally, he was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later. None of us regret our last years with my stepfather. He and my mom loved each other so much. I look forward to being with him again in heaven.
@sensimania Well, who could really know? Wilson's is a genetic disorder that 2 out of 4 children will have if both parents have the recessive gene. Their bodies are unable to digest copper. That copper or heavy metal builds up on the liver, brain, and eyes. It causes neuromuscular symptoms. This disease is very rare. Most neurologists will never see a patient with the disease in their career. I digress. I feel that he may have had cancer from being exposed to asbestos, but my mom didn't have an autopsy. He wanted to be cremated, and she didn't take time to think it through.
I am so sorry someone posted a comment that hurt you so deeply! You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. It made me think of the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. I appreciate you!
I am a traumatic brain injury survivor, and I feel her pain because I saw how hard my recovery has been on everyone else( including myself) in my life.
It hard but ask them and I am sure taking care of you was worth it to them. I was a caretaker and though it was rough I would never trade it. Life is not fair and that is ok, we make the best of it.
John, I was right there 3.5 years ago as my husband passed 10/2/2020 after being by his side for his 7.5 "end of life" years as his caregiver. Those years were certainly the most difficult, lonely and depleating days of my/our lives. I will always hold them dear with deep gratitude, without one moment of regret, as they were the most precious, meaningful and transformational days of our lives together. Through grace, something beyond all convention happened and i know i would not trade even one of those days for the world. God bless, protect and provide for all caregivers and those that they have been chosen to care for.
As a husband and a Dad i would be incredibly depressed to think that my family couldnt move on an be happy due to the guilt of leaving me behind in a vegative state. Espacially after years of trying to rehibilitate me. This woman deserves to be happy, and needs to be in order to be an effective parent. Good luck to her.
I get what she said. My husband was in a similar situation and someone asked me how I was. I work in the medical field. I’d go to work and do medical stuff. I’d go home and do medical stuff. There wasn’t any shutting down!! When they asked me this, I didn’t know what to say. I stood there with a blank look on my face and couldn’t say anything. When I got home, I felt like an idiot. But I actually know what she’s talking about, but even when I was at 48 years old, he passed, and I still believed in sickness and in health. To this day, I can’t see anyone else. He was my world, and I’m thankful for him. ❤❤❤
It’s impossible to know whether you would really want her to move on if you were in that sutuation. This poor man has feelings. She can move on and still support him.
Right? I think this is the easiest answer. I never thought about it before, but now if I ever were to marry, I will have this talk. I will tell them if it ever came to that, to unhook me. To grieve me and to move on. No way I want a life of suffering and misery for my spouse. But it also ties in with my beliefs about euthanasia and what's a life worth living, so there's that. I don't want to exist in a way where I can't live anymore. That's madness.
Trust me after being full time caregiver for my daddy’s 7 yr journey w Alzheimer’s, and knowing that my grandmother had it and then my daddy and there is a good possibility I could inherit it, I would give my now 74 yr old disabled husband permission to place me in an Alzheimer’s unit rather than destroy what little health he has left being caregiver for me. I hung in with my daddy until he ended up in the hospital w pneumonia and delirium took the rest of his memories away. Once he no longer knew where he was I admitted that I was exhausted mentally, physically & spiritually and I put him in an Alzheimer’s unit close by. I had all of 4 weeks to recover before my husbands chf & AFib put him in the hospital again. He came home w 30% heart function and wearing an external defibrillator until May. 5 days after I brought him home I tested positive for Covid. Barely recovered before my daddy died 3/17😭. So I can feel this woman’s loneliness 😔. We’ve hung on barely for 44 years and exist as roommates now. 11:19
Yeah this woman needs to learn pure and honest loyalty. And what it means to be faithful to an oath, till death do we part. Something that a lot of people have a problem with. I stack myself in that heap as well.
She says she has 30 more years left in her….. her next breath is not even guaranteed to her. She is in a hard situation, but so is her husband. Very sad
My thoughts are what if she moved on and she got another situation like the current one occur with a new partner. Where do you draw the line? As a 3 x married woman I have no right to judge
Sounds like hubby is a de facto vegetable... in general I would tend to judge the wife's motivations harshly. BUT-- if she is being honest about how much she invested in his rehabilitation, the sacrifices she made ought to qualify her to move on for the sake of her own sanity. Again, this is presuming that this woman's timeline and details are in fact 100% truthful. There is always the chance she is playing up her struggles in an effort to get John's blessing to divorce the husband and get with his friend.
Yeah, but he was still your dad. Traumatic brain injury is so different from other health issues because the person you loved is gone. But their body remains.
@@joisagirlsname exactly. Once someone's mind has gone, you're not caring for them, you're caring for a stranger. Often without help or respite, as they become more distressed and even violent.
@@KiltBill2 yeah. I've walked that final path with a loved one with terminal cancer more than once, also with alzheimers and with non-fatal traumatic brain injury and I'll say without a doubt the brain injury is harder. Cancer/terminal patients are still themselves, alzheimer patients will eventually pass but you still get precious, precious moments with THEM first, yet TBI is like having a loved one possessed by a stranger. Their face is the same, but the eyes are different and it feels so, so wrong and you can't even grieve properly. It is pure hell on earth. I would absolutely support this poor woman divorcing and continuing care as a loving ex-wife. No one is filling her tank and she's absolutely knackered.
An impossible situation. It's easy to say 'I would do this and I would do that' but you can never say how difficult the Situation is unless you live it. love and hope for this family ❤
My ex husband randomly told me “if you ever become disabled it wouldn’t be fair to me to stay with you …because I like to hike”. Every now and then “because I like to hike” pops into my head and I laugh my ass off. For better or worse isn’t a promise a lot of people won’t keep.
My ex left me when sick!!! Abandoned me and kids so I. Super picky who I put love too because I love my ex unconditionally. Dog should do that not humans unless it’s our kids! People will destroy you sick world and I hear semi talk about being old-fashioned. I haven’t seen too many men that are really old-fashioned yet still looking. I have to see the actions just because people say their old fashion. Don’t mean that they are. I need to see it.
Pretty much every time I watch the Deloney show I find myself tearing up.. such heavy stuff, thank you for your work John, you are an inspiration and you always have such good advice
What a heavy conversation ! A tragedy without question ! I'm sure he would want her to move on to be happy ,I know I would want my mate , under such circumstances , to be happy ! Such an intimate and serious question that it's got to be her decision only ! I would support her emotionally with either decision ,right ?
As a husband and father, I can not think of a worse scenario. The thought of putting my family through this is one of my fears. I’ve always told my wife, that if I had no quality of life, I wouldn’t want to live like that. I would never blame my family for feeling this way. What a terrible situation.
Exactly! People seem very judgemental but fail to see how horrible it reall is since he literally is on hospice and can't even hear and communicate properly, all while having kids of which he doesn't even recognize one. This is worse than dying and this caller did not sound like someone who wants to just leave but simply someone who needed to console to someone and have a moment where her feelings also mattered.
@@JustLIkerapunzel It's easy to tell from your comment and others like yours, that you are 3Dimensional and nothing more. You can't understand life beyond your mortal, manmade prison. This caller "wife Diane" who claims to be religious, moral, WHATEVER label you want, used "prayers, thoughts, and well wishes" as a demand to God. When God didn't answer her prayers the way she demanded, she then tooke her begging back into her "own control." Except now, she is looking for justification and moral permission to be a despicable spouse, employing her "poor-me, don't worry about my husband, look back here at me, poor me" campaign. Weak person she is. We ALL have had just as horrible situations that tested us, and most people, like Diane, fail. Sad that that is the majority of humanity.
Wow this was such bad advice Dr. John. The way you framed it, you guilt tripped this woman into emotionally feeling a certain way. I’ve been binging you for a while and I think you’re pretty solid, but my jaw was on the floor with the way you framed it for this poor woman. You started off OK by saying “would you be able to breathe?” You gave her a framework, you should be giving her tools. Instead you led from a place of judgement and your own bias. Shame on you for making things worse for this woman.
My Uncle after being under anesthesia, developed Dementia. When my Aunt would go to see him he didn’t know who she was, but he would always tell her that he loved his wife and even though she came to see him he wasn’t going to cheat on his wife…. I think that was the best compliment he could still give her. Very cute….
