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"I" vs "You" in Negotiation | Chris Voss

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Founded and led by former lead FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss, the Black Swan Group has 10+ years of experience working with companies and individuals on taking their negotiation skills to the next level. Chris’ book, Never Split the Difference, is a Wall Street Journal bestseller and has sold over 2 million copies worldwide. Our expert team of coaches discuss everything from silence techniques to influential empathy.
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Опубликовано:

20 авг 2024

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Комментарии : 178

@tothepointreviews9675 4 года назад

Yooooo this is crazy. I was doing work whilst watching this. When he used ‘I’ I didn’t pay attention and as soon as he used ‘you’ I stopped work and started listening

@Kyrelel 4 года назад

You missed it. After he told the story the first time he then said "I am going to tell you the same story ...", this is the first time you know about it, (he deliberately did not tell you before the first iteration) and _that_ is the part that made you listen as you are now actively comparing your recollection of the first story with the new version. He then changed his speech pattern with more (and shallower) high-to-low cadences (he previously used low-to-high cadences) and different body language. He also changed parts of the story (despite telling you that it was the same story) and every time a detail changes you start to take more notice without realising it. So, in short, what he was saying was actually not all that relevant ... he was manipulating you by making you focus on the wrong thing. It would also have worked the other way round (starting with 'You' and changing to 'I")

@anthonygumingo9840 4 года назад

@@Kyrelel Damn, well done

@72marshflower15 3 года назад

To the point Reviews .. meh, could just be your individualistic socialization.. Me me me me me ..

@chesscomsupport8689 4 года назад

Dude is literally like a real-life movie character.

@benjaminschwartz1242 4 года назад

You cant "literally" be "like" anything. Literally indicates literal language. Using "like" is a simile, which is figurative language, the opposite of literal. Stop using the word "literally"...please.

@chesscomsupport8689 4 года назад

@@benjaminschwartz1242 Ok I will literally stop using it

@benjaminschwartz1242 4 года назад

@@chesscomsupport8689 that's incorrect as well, as the only time it's necessary to use the word "literally" is when there could possibly be a discrepancy in the listener's/reader's mind as to whether the language you're using is figurative or literal. Since your sentence above is very obviously literal, the use of the word "literally is not needed. I know you're just joking...but man. People all of a sudden started using that word a couple years ago because they think it makes them sound smart, but it has the opposite effect because most people use it incorrectly as you did.

@blacktortoise6812 4 года назад

I will literally critique this literature.

@HC-gm4fo 4 года назад

I think the duality of his contradiction illustrates his point perfectly. “Literally” In his statement Refers to the Phrase “like a real-life movie character” being taken literally after always using the simile as an exaggeration.

@EbongEka 4 года назад

This is beyond true. Going deeper, that's why Facebook doesn't let you use "you" with negative connotations when writing advertising copy on Facebook ads.

@TheNimbleOwl 4 года назад

advertising copy, relatable

@mr_niceman 4 года назад

King lmao

@Kevin-kj5th 4 года назад

Never realized that!

@TheSpoegefugl 4 года назад

I hear that it helps. But can we also just acknowledge that when using 'you' he uses a better voice and intonation for story telling, as compared to when he was using 'I'

@AnonAnon1 4 года назад

That was probably his point

@TheSpoegefugl 4 года назад

@@AnonAnon1 That is exactly not his point. I'm pointing out, that while he is using his second version of the story, where he is also using "you" instead of "I", he is also using other, and better, story telling techniques than in the first version. I don't believe that these are a coincidental thing by using "you", as utilizing "you" should have an effect on the listener and not the speaker. It seems he is using multiple techniques in the second to improve the story further, but is only highlighting 1 technique, so we'll notice that one.

@Vgk36 3 года назад

@@TheSpoegefugl I thought he was saying that because he wants you to use the word you to engage them more??? But I actually wanted to be a negotiator when he was saying I lol I'm confused. Hahaha

@HipHopAn0n 3 года назад

That may have been his reaction to the people actually sitting still and paying attention.

@DarrylCross 4 года назад

You made an beautiful point at the beginning on every word having an emotional impact. A strange thing about words is that before you can begin to accept or reject them, they have already entered your neurology.

@TechOutAdam 4 года назад

I noticed when he said the story with “I” the group was less interested, had body posture, looked bored. Once he used “You” with the same story everyone was still and focused or thinking.

@ngashmir 4 года назад

It seemed as if the story was more interesting also.

@MichaelP-ke1tm 4 года назад

I was bored of both stories

@brendan2868 4 года назад

Yeh because you statements are invasive

@TechOutAdam 4 года назад

brendan2868 Statements are invasive?

@TechOutAdam 4 года назад

Patrick It seems like you’ve heard it all before.

@bigcee1968 2 года назад

It works. He lost me on the first story. He kept me listening on the second.

@ewaetnak 4 года назад

As a linguist currently using ethnography of communication to research how people talk about change, stability and continuity this video is a brilliant illustration how important the way we speak/communicate is...and how u aware of it most of us are...

@drgLACity Год назад

Idk… I was paying more attention when Chris Voss was talking about his experience in the first person because he’s a friggen LEGEND. I wanted to hear Chris Voss’s experience not Dave Gastelum lol

@joannajohnson696 4 года назад

Voss you are a genius. Would you be opposed to posting new videos on this venue? It seems like all the videos are old news. Watching these videos feels like I want to see more about your communication approach in hostage negotiation, etc.

@balancemode2228 4 года назад

What I took from this is I need to use more “you” phrasing in an aware way to keep the person’s focus on themselves so we can process through their emotional resistance to our collaboration.

@ParakeetWhispererKing 4 года назад

Balance Mode Sounds like “we” would be better there

@mteske1 3 года назад

Everyone here learning to close multi million dollar deals and I just want to negotiate effectively with my 5 year old daughter.

@exhibiture7463 Год назад

Looks at guys who are chewing: "you can have buffet of choices" - brilliant!

@djsvideodiarys 4 года назад

My God. Dons. The extra trick is he told the story twice which made the listeners listen closer for a twist "why would he tell the same story twice" This just goes to show you that business IS personal. IT's nothing personal, just business. YOU have to understand my hand was forced... our relationship in this circumstance isn't personal, you understand its business. You' know you got me to watch this as the first video, You' have a new subscriber.

@dandyandy2046 4 года назад

I had to pause and go back because I thought the video skipped!

@curseword86 4 года назад

Um... how is this free information!!! Feels like I just watched a stream of life events where this scenario has played out and I had no idea... Now I'm friggen armed 🤘 Thank y'all for freely sharing such freaking important wise!

@nataliasavala3281 4 года назад

You ve changed my way of thinking, you ve changed my life Thank you ❤

@mjay3683 3 года назад

Couldn’t agree more!!

@foreverraining1522 4 года назад

Black Swan Group is awesome! I can't wait to sign up. Chris Voss is an excellent instructor.

@judichristopher4604 4 года назад

What? You can sign up to be in the group? Please tell me more!! I wanted to take his master class..

4 года назад

I'm so glad videos from Black Swan Group are short. I happen to lose attention pretty soon, as they are hard to consume, especially for non-native speakers.

@benjaminbrewer2569 4 года назад

If you want to take this a lot further, consider the difference on the limbic system of prepositions in different languages:

@MsDestinydiva 2 года назад

Thank you teacher , subtle and invisible . I use to always lose attention to detail with my words. Big mistake but we live and learn ✨✨💖

@Submersed24 4 года назад

This explains why Trump often speaks in the 3rd person. Speaking in the 3rd person avoids the "me" and "I" that does harm to interest.

@aubreypuan6785 4 года назад

Wutt?! When he used "I" for the story I couldn't really get what he was saying (I wasn't really paying attention to what's the story about), but when he used "you" Then the story actually makes sense. At first I though, because he repeated the story which make it clearer for me, but really it's using the word "you" Instead of "I" Makes the difference. This is amazing

@brandonlong2064 3 года назад

Damn that was so clean. This dude is a boss

@xavierdole7307 4 года назад

I swear google can read my thoughts I’m on a train thinking about this exact same idea

@aidenkim6629 2 года назад

2:25 he took a second to analyze how the class didn’t find the joke funny

@leahmason-virgin 4 года назад

I always appreciate your thoughts and insights. Thank you so much

@ryanwrice7482 4 года назад

I have watched over this 6 minute video for like 30 minutes. This man looks like he knows

@fuchsfalke5063 4 года назад

I'd have loved, if the presentation would have been white text on black background. The lighting in the room is rather low. When the presentation came, it blinded like looking into an car headlight.

@thekneebreaker4790 4 года назад

Is that racist? You cant call things black or white any more, its "object of colour" or "object of no colour "

@Milestonemonger 4 года назад

He's right about how boring Quantico is. We were stationed there for 3 years (USMC), but we understood the significance of the part it plays in our country.

@Ravie1 4 года назад

I spent part of my childhood in quantico's back yard. Growing up I thought driving for hours to go somewhere interesting was normal. Really isn't much to do there is there.

@y.z.6517 4 года назад

@@Ravie1 Is there internet there? I can survive with a heated room with a laptop.

@mrmanq9517 3 года назад

This is FIRE! The butterfly is about to emerge from its cacoon ('',)

@johngallagher4130 4 года назад

To be honest I was more interested when he told the story the first time, maybe it was you could see what he was doing the second time. Though it is interesting, might be something to it alright, just concerned we are hungry for confirmation of the idea. Perhaps, it would require a more controlled environment without the clues in the title to be objective etc..

@D00NBU66Y 2 года назад

Was looking through the comments and glad I saw yours because I too was more engaged with the "I" story. I think you and I were this way bc we came here to learn and so paid more attention to another epic Chris Voss story before realizing the "you" strategy. At 05:19 he explains it perfectly for us -- it's context driven. I paused the video and thought had I encountered this type of conversation in the sales industry, the "you" story would definitely have my attention more than listening to a salesman talk about him/herself. Just my thoughts, friend!

@PH1M0 4 года назад

So simple yet so impactful

@lorellamessana2346 9 месяцев назад

You have same suggestion about probability and statistic way sensitive

@ankurrawat8658 4 года назад

He changed the word and the tone+ tempo.

@MT-lq9fq 4 года назад

thank you, Chris I have time now to study from you Master

@AroundDurban 3 года назад

He'd be a great guest on JRE

@csabah.6251 4 года назад

Can't understand why some people in the room are not paying attention to Chris. First it is rude , second it is stupid. The guy giving out applicable , usable knowledge ...

@mirandnyan 4 года назад

When you get an ad on a video of the channel that provides the ad... 🤔

@pinoynga 4 года назад

The same knife can hurt or create a beautiful meal, doesn’t it? So how we use language, and words in particular is key. I vs U ... “You disgust me!” vs “I was disgusted!” The first version “points” some “blame” for the feeling felt ... the second showed the “feeling phenomenon” is attributed to the person who felt it. How can I improve the following statement? ... “I feel you are wrong!”

@djscott9207 4 года назад

"You may be right." / "I disagree."

@MichaelP-ke1tm 4 года назад

I am disgusted by you

@pinoynga 4 года назад

Patrick , hi! ... now we’re getting there! ... LOL ... cheers! .. seriously ... communication is a science ... it requires knowledge & skills pretty much like studying medicine. All we’ve been taught is to speak. Full stop.

@nutritionandphysiology8023 4 года назад

I don't think that's correct.

@Hellkinglol 4 года назад

You feel you're right?

@loidaesthernc4580 2 года назад

Thank you I needed this lesson 🙏

@TheSmetanin 4 года назад

Great video. It was like in our class in Boston

@dannyozuna 4 года назад

Always great stuff!

@plantskywalka 4 года назад

1:02 “I think I’m underdressed”

@brianhetrick1301 4 года назад

I loved your book Chris!

@rickharold7884 4 года назад

Excellent! You rock!

@joelgarcia78744 4 года назад

Which one of you gave it a thumbs down? It seems like you know something, we don't? Would you mind sharing it?

@phillipmorgan4260 4 года назад

Joel Garcia David Blaine fans

@alexandermedia5402 4 года назад

I appreciate you so much.

@ednaanderson1565 4 года назад

The bar n then he reinforced the bar because that is the most commonly known fact they can relate to

@N0B0DY_SP3C14L 4 года назад

Just a quick heads up, and I suspect you are already quite aware of this: speaking as an analyst type, when Voss told the story about Quantico using "you", it came across as extremely off-putting, because it made bold assumptions and sweeping generalizations about experiences that I didn't have, events that may have happened quite differently, were I in his shoes at the time, choices I might have made differently, and essentially positing himself as having mentally ensconced me, subtly trying to obtain advantage. It comes off as a cheap play for a lesser player, disrespectful, pushing me into a more adversarial mode than cooperative.

@N0B0DY_SP3C14L 4 года назад

I offered this insight with the hope that it will be taken into account, and addressed in a lesson/video which helps clarify and distinguish the three negotiating types, and how to address their specific needs and wants, as well as approaches and tactics to avoid, because despite the fact that we all have limbic systems and amygdalas, they are keyed to gather, sort, process and assign information in different ways, hence the typology. It seems probable that MBTI typing plays heavily into this, and by determining or acquiring the type of one's counterpart, wasting time and energy on counterproductive activies in the negotiation, may be minimized, if not avoided entirely.

@morthim 4 года назад

Grats on masterclass.

@johnbockmann 4 года назад

It seems / it sounds / it looks; you seem / you sound / you look -- not, "what I'm hearing is..."

@murkdurk8961 4 года назад

Is this the Hogwarts magic psychology clas, which I have signed up for, after accidentally ingesting some warlock truffle blubber from the meadows of despair?

@phreezleva4568 4 года назад

Lmao. Whaaaaat?

@judichristopher4604 4 года назад

"OHHHHH NOOOOO" This Video is too short... I want more!!!!

@Cluby2 4 года назад

Judi Christopher haha. Sign up for his Masterclass!

@yuridelcastillo220 4 года назад

Judi - Subscribe and buy his book "Never Split The Difference" - "Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It" - On Audible. . .

@munawwarshaikh8010 2 года назад

Late night FM DJ voice

@abrahamalvarez7099 3 года назад

Legit thank you.

@NegotiationMastery 3 года назад

Happy to help

@prithviraj1080 4 года назад

Fantastic!

@brotherlove8241 4 года назад

Personally, I paid more attention when he used “I” I felt like I was relating to his story and was in his shoes. When he used “You” the story felt less personal, I think due to the fact that he was speaking to a crowd and that he really wasn’t speaking directly to me.

@sushantthakur413 4 года назад

First of first,You guys are amazing,wanna know why you left a job as fbi negotiator

@mr_niceman 4 года назад

Sushant Thakur old age? Or they just want to teach instead of going in field mission lol

@Kevin-kj5th 4 года назад

Money. This guy is making way more than he ever did working for FBI

@davidporterrealestate 4 года назад

Where can I get these slides?

@AristonSparta 4 года назад

Does this work with the phrase “one”, as in when one goes to quantico?

@ParakeetWhispererKing 4 года назад

Ariston Sparta Sounds like a description in 3rd person

@AristonSparta 4 года назад

@Ryan Reed in academia when referring to others in writing, using “you” is discouraged. We are taught to use “one” instead. (such as oneself)

@journeyfortwo5211 4 года назад

@@AristonSparta Sure, but it's not as engaging as "you". Everyone's favourite subject is theirself

@lawrencebrock8776 4 года назад

I think it adds a condescending tone.

@fidget2020 4 года назад

Lawrence Brock Not in academic writing, which by definition should not be emotional or personal.

@RJYounglingTricking 4 года назад

more of these

@Submersed24 4 года назад

Hmm i found the "I" story more interesting than the "you" one

@TheRadicalCentrist.1776 4 года назад

As did I. I hate the use of "you" to relate personal experiences. Just tell me what you experienced; I'll make up my own mind as to whether I would feel the same.

@julioseviltwin2304 4 года назад

@@TheRadicalCentrist.1776 in fact he is telling from his experience. The _You_ is him telling the story as a 3rd person to himself. The audience are listening but the perspective of the use of _You_ becomes subliminal to listener, they'll empathise to the experience. Experiencing the experience.

@clbazar 4 года назад

Yes, I did as well. Although from a marketing/persuasion point of view, “you” tends to be thought of as a much more powerful word. Maybe it’s because the story was more personal when using “I”, which of course it was, and therefore more authentic.

@MastermindStrategies 4 года назад

Is this similar to the material you cover in your “MasterClass”?

@judichristopher4604 4 года назад

What Mater Class??? I want to know about his Master Class... LOL

@MastermindStrategies 4 года назад

Judi Christopher It’s just an online thing. These ads run on many of my social media platforms. I would assume tailored to my viewing preferences. Here’s a link I copied. www.masterclass.com/classes/chris-voss-teaches-the-art-of-negotiation?Paid&Facebook&Aq-Prospecting&Video-Thrive&CV

@ElementsBJJCanada 4 года назад

Question? Is this a clip from the masterclass that your advertising? Thank you 🔥💪

@Brandon-gw4ed 4 года назад

No, it's not I have the Masterclass. It's great you should purchase it if you have a chance.

@ElementsBJJCanada 4 года назад

Brandon N Thank you!

@tikitaka8042 4 года назад

I enjoyed his instruction on masterclass. I watched over and over so far.

@MichaelP-ke1tm 4 года назад

@@Brandon-gw4ed Or not

@Brandon-gw4ed 4 года назад

@@MichaelP-ke1tm Yea, dude or not.

@phillipmorgan4260 4 года назад

3 David Blaine fans seen this

@ednaanderson1565 4 года назад

lol he sold the place on his first two lines

@lorellamessana2346 9 месяцев назад

Body lenguage

@jorgezt32 4 года назад

The only diference was the tone voice.

@TwHPrOx 4 года назад

You got that right. But not entirely.One of them was the tone of his voice. He is so used to inflicting what he wants on people, using several tools like voice, posture, hand gesture, choice of words, that he uses them while teaching to better show to others the effect. Sometimes the effect of what he tries to show is subtle alone. But the total sum is easy to notice.

@judichristopher4604 4 года назад

"Thumbs UP"

@hgt2008 4 года назад

Damn.. I thought it said Rich Voss

@paulfitness5157 4 года назад

Can you notice the amount of comments here that have "I" in them. Lol

@jujjuj7676 5 месяцев назад

Ah, i must be missing something cause both stories had zero engagement. Maybe he should have changed the story cause once i felt it was repeating i tuned the nonsense out.

@Raventooth 4 года назад

Chris Voss smiling = 😬

@lorellamessana2346 9 месяцев назад

🤘🏼

@PlatinumDragonProductions999 4 года назад

I'm already a fan. I own "Never Split the Difference." However, I just texted the message to 22828 and got "service access denied." Is it restricted to certain networks? I'm on T-Mobile.

@semja 4 года назад

Lol

@HandbrakeBiscuit 2 года назад

OK, OK, OK! I'll let the hostages go, put the money back in the safe and then go home and retrain as a -librarian- -pizza chef- -lion tamer- hostage negotiator...

@exb3381 4 года назад

WHAT IS YOUR PASSWORD ?

@josephnickolick666 4 года назад

i emplore you oversee and editautoclose caption this closed caption is an amathema toyour purpose and astu bling block to mya sorption and understanding

@gullybull5568 4 года назад

It . god. You. Body.

@murkdurk8961 4 года назад

Soda! ( So- me saying this, definitely triggered someone, somewhere, somehow?)

@72marshflower15 4 года назад

The classroom looks like a bunch of jocks sitting in while the country collapses..

@blacktortoise6812 4 года назад

And you thought this was just a Japanese thing.

@carpballet 4 года назад

I don’t know what kind of convention this is, but allowing people to eat while giving a talk is disgusting. “Blue-Shirt’s” body language makes his awareness of impropriety evident.

@lorellamessana2346 9 месяцев назад

Body le guage

@lorellamessana2346 9 месяцев назад

😂😂😂😂😂😂⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️😂😂😂

@tatsumakisempyukaku 4 года назад

This is NLP on steroids

@EktaShah82 4 года назад

tatsumakisempyukaku what it is is human nature

@sirtom3011 2 года назад

Amateur…the word is THEY. When you say THEY, it implies US. You and me…and THEM. Can’t go that low in price? “Sorry brother (name), THEY won’t accept that…head office will just email the invoice request back to me and ask me to change my mistake”. You see? Fact is…when you type emails, DON’T be professional. You are just “a guy” that wants to help them out. Use casual language the same as you’re reading right now….right? Start a sentence with “Hmmm….yeah, I see what you mean” . Be human.

@gullybull5568 4 года назад

IT. WHAT IS IT ?. IT IS WHAT ?. THIS GUY IS old hat. Good for newbs fresh outa sack.