Identify Your Fantasy and Get Rid of It 

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

These two hours could only be defined as valuable

Please continue this conversation and expand in a similar way the timeline of a codependent.

I came to watch this video because i just ran into my malignant narcissist ex, he pulled over in-front of me while i was walking my dog, i havent seen him in three years, He walked over to me and i just kept walking and said no a few times as he was trying to start conversation. I felt those intense trauma bong feelings resurface, terrifying to feel that again.

... as a German Biologist .- with my own Experience.. we are conditioned to be Hyper Tolerant, Friendly, assisting, crediting, Helping - we are EASY Prey for any Vampyre. I promote intense Inner Strength training to have a tough firewall of No Tres Passing and RADAR to sense any Predator from far away - and RUN fast. ...easy to avoid those encounters... when you KNOW WHO that person is... The biggest tragedy is, - those Persons make fast careers in high positions and Government - and create their own rules and Laws. The next 10 years will be TOUGH Excellent Business for YOU!

I had the best sleep in years after watching this video. A lot of my questions answered and I felt that I finally got the relief that I was expecting. While in watching it, I was a little concerned about 'if I know how they feel, or how they were made, I will forgive them and go back'. Thank you for putting it in the way that I not only understand how they were made or self-made, but also that there's no hope for them to change. More importantly, it was not me, it was never about me. Sad but relieved. Thank you again, gents.

I found a new life since I discovered your videos a year ago. Your videos helped me to understand reality and myself. Thank you giving us all these psychopathological tools to delve deep into the minds of narcissists and borderlines.

OMG I probably listened to this before but this time it is so bang on. Both describing my ex as the narcissist and my sister as a borderline. They absolutely fit the mold.

Thank you for explaining to me what has puzzled me for 4 years. As you talked I could feel the dark veils of confusion drop away. I think I “get it” now. What a relief & what a lovely feeling of lightness & freedom. In part, I feel silly for getting “enlisted” into a stage play crafted by a narcissist and his borderline. As the saying goes: “They are a piece of work.” I was collateral damage, but it wasn’t my fault. I thought I had chosen love and, based on hope, I chose a long term relationship that now I can see was going nowhere. Well … now I choose sanity & health & genuine affection. Thank you, Dr Sam. Te agradezco.

I have a borderline mother and a narcissistic father, and my first relationship was with a sadistic narcissist. I have been on my healing journey long enough to have processed my feelings to have growing silvers of compassion and understanding for them. The more I learn about the internal experience of personality-disordered people, the more I see how the experience is an extreme form of Complex PTSD with dissociation, emotional dysregulation, unstable sense of self, harsh inner critic that devalues and discards everything including achievements, skills, traits, etc, unable to feel safe when connecting with other people, including self-alienation, and even reliving their own traumas and acting it out externally from inability to process and integrate it, which gets to a point where the only way to stay afloat and feel like a being is to outsource their regulation. What people with PDs feel and experience is very real to them, just like what other people feel and experience, and do the best they can with what they have. This one video explains so much about the introjects I have, and even explains why my parents and ex interact with me with the same button-pushing lines, or treating me like a 5 year old/a snapshot of the internal object, etc. It is so unfair for them to live such terrible internal lives, without getting the actual support and knowledge about understanding their own condition. What is your bird-eye view philosophy/belief about personality-disordered people and the world, Professor Vaknin? I have listened to a significant number of your educational videos, and have found them spot-on for my experiences, and I strongly relate with your views/what I perceive they are.

Neuro plasticity has been always interesting for me 💥

It is amazingly clear - especially when you have lived the cycles with a Narcissist. So much hope , attached with pain Such relief to understand and accept it in order to obtain peace and truly move on. I have never met anyone in my life with these qualities- now I am aware. Grateful for a great childhood and knowing, choosing a better life which involves reality❤

❤ I am so grateful to find a normal healthy relationship after 4 years of a Narc experience… once you have the knowledge there is no excuse - you can not NOT know what you’re in for … Forever grateful for all of this knowledge.

Absolutely phenomenal!!! If you’ve never watched any of his content, he just summed it ALL up in a little over two hours🙌❤️👏🏻

Cheers Richard. Want to point out how much life you have given me by removing my CPTSR. I have had a very similar life to yourself and some of your early 2017 videos would show very small details that I thought was only me ( I felt disconnected/odd/not really wanting to fit into one group/adddictions/ depressive swings/ anxiety/ hyper vigilant/ fall into relatonships without question or “see” what was happening when going bad. Allow people to treat me badly and then want to please them when they did to try and cheer them up - people pleasing has been a big issue and not having boundaries. Thank you to your learnings and sharing this knowledge My life has completely opened up and feel fulfilled even when I have nothing in my life right now ( the ridding of old self allows you to let go of everything non essential ). Thank you from my heart and hope to meet you one day. Daniel Sacker - London

This helps you to understand how the stages of narcissism effect you and the narcissist - knowledge is crucial to comprehend 1) not your fault 2) nothing can be done for change, cycles will continue Determine to have a healthy life and remove yourself before they do over and over

Never heard before such an indepth analysis of narcissism and borderline. Very helpful discussion. Thank you.

This has provided so many insights into how a relationship played out over 11 years. Thank you for taking time to talk about these subjects.

In Australia we call it.." venturing out into reality ...separation "walk about ".. or leaving the nest. .

Grandiosity by itself is not narcissism. I love these guys. So brilliant. However, I remain in the “there is no healthy narcissism” camp.

Excellent stuff. I understand and resonate with what you’ve discussed. To get to the point where I truly grasped these things was not an easy ride lol, and I had to spend some serious time and effort making deep examinations of a lot of things to get there. The one nit I’d pick to present a difference in interpretation is that I do not believe it’s a life sentence. It actually is possible to overcome those patterns and learn new ones. It’s damned challenging and requires a serious commitment and serious honesty, and great resolve. And it’s no short process. But it can be done. To claim it as a black and white thing that’s absolute is a cue to look at what drives that black and white conclusion. Such absolutions are rare. I’ll go along with ‘typically’, or ‘usually’. Never is incorrect, because I’ve succeeded and I’ve seen others who have succeeded in teaching themselves how to claim ownership over choosing different patterns. That doesn’t mean never feeling a triggered moment, but it means cultivating the awareness to choose not to respond to that trigger from the old pattern, but replace it with a choice towards the chosen pattern. That requires a person to be dedicated to facing their own insecurities and discomforts with the bravery to learn how to overcome them, and they dissipate as that proficiency is developed. Most of those insecurities even evaporate, and what bits are left are quite manageable. I know that’s possible because I busted my behind to get there. It’s a crucible, but worthwhile. And I’m not the only person who’s found ways to do that. If a person really wants it, it can be achieved. But I’ll 100% agree that to do it requires ditching these fantasies. The defining limitation around whether or not a person can do this is linked to whether or not they can see the fantasy for what it is, and choose to step out (not a one and done thing, either). If a person can’t acknowledge the fantasy for what it is with the willingness to pursue their own exit, then it would be true as an impossibility. So what you claimed about a lifelong pattern may be true, but only when that fantasy cannot be recognized. As best as I can determine, that’s a line of distinction. The reason I picked this nit is not to call you wrong, because I do see how that one factor of limitation would render it true WITHIN where that limitation exists. The thing is, a great many people who follow both of your work actually can recognize the fantasy, and those people do have an opportunity for that success. It’s important to make that distinction, that if your here because you want to understand, and you can recognize what this means, and see how it’s been inside you, that means you possess the capacity to overcome it. If that’s you reading this, I’m here to say YOU get to choose that you will claim that for yourself, and aren’t required to accept a life sentence from anyone on earth. YOU decide what you will pursue, and never let anyone suggest it’s impossible. If you can see and understand it, you can claim the power to do something different because you make consistent choices in that direction, by your own commitment. If that’s a thing you want, claim it and own it and do it. When you slip, do it again. And again. And don’t quit reaching for what you wish to become. That’s a thing you get to choose. No one else may dictate that.

I find Sam Vanknim very informative but quite condemning of people who wish to overcome these severe psychological difficulties. As he suggest that there is nothing that can be done. As a victim of narcissistic abuse I feel I have myself morphed into somewhat of a narcissistic person but need to know how to overcome this terrible affliction and be able to move forward in my life. Sam Is great at creating new labels but shy on solutions

My mother had watched me cry, as we learned that my cousin had committed suicide by hanging, and coldly with squinted eyes said "Strange, I don't understand it, why are you crying?" While her dog, to whom she repeatedly denied veterinary care, was dying in my arms she screamed while rolling on the floor like a possessed demon, getting exactly as she wanted, for me to leave the poor dog to pass on her own, attend to her and calm her hysterics. The dog was cremated, I had handed her body over while she sat in the back seat of the car. On the way home, telling a few jokes. I will never forget either and it will always frighten me to think what is inside that coat of flesh.

This was my all time favourite video. Mic drop everything Sam has been saying in 1 video explained. I wish you both come to South Africa 🇿🇦 x

Find this interview fascinating. Thank you Sam and Richard. There's some really interesting information in there not available anywhere else. Great work 👏

...yes, many of us understand this. Thank you.

Thank you so much for offering us this valuable insight! This has brought the pieces of the crazy puzzle together… I had observed and concluded a lot over the 35 year relationship but this joins the dots!

I'm pleased your work is now on this channel. Thank you 🙏

I totally under you! I know two people who feed each other like this. She/the ex is the BPD and he is the NPD. She is definitely sicker than him. They are both text book what you are describing

Such a beacon of knowledge

Woooow guys ❤ This is actually so obvious when looking back on my covert husband.. Made me his mother etc.

I learned a lot from this video. Long but valuable.

Thank you for this informative session

To blame and to not accept responsibility are actions that yield the same result: no agency in one’s life.😢 Genius is figuring out which camp you belong to and taking steps to return to the state of health! Although, it seems like narcissists are living at a steep disadvantage.

These videos are treasures thank u!

My husband was a MESS! HIS mother was a grandiose narcissist and a pysocapath ...... for Real! She worked on all five of her sons. My husband was the worst. Sam described him to a T. Abandonment issues, fear, ect. She absolutely has no compassion no empathy, she exploits and uses everybody. He developed a sexual addiction, contracted HPV, which caused cancer of the throat. He died 2 yrs ago, not a tear did she shed. The case I have ever witnessed in my life.

So helpful ,thanks for breaking it down for us

So informative. Makes so much sense about my ex. We separated for a year and she convinced me to come back to the fantasy and then fully discarded me. A few months later.

This man is really insightful and hilarious.

Great video It's so clear now Thank you so much

Narcissists seek affirmation and validation. Such an interesting and informative discussion! Thank you

Simply brilliant.

The best reunion ever,lacan meets Mickey rooke against narcicists,awesome,saludos from México.😘😘😘😘😘

Very insightful

This is absolutely Great education. It makes sense so much ! Im going to study psychology.. Benn struggling to find my right way study and job wise. Guess a relationship with a Covert narcissist has now showed me exactly wich way to go. ❤

Do not be your partner's parent!!

Thank you so much! Great video. I can’t believe after a decade, I got back with my ex. I wish I wish.

thank you!

Can anyone heal from this? This sounds so awful to put someone through but also to go through!

Except: tolerating them in your life IS your fault. Not sensing the red flags is your fault. Staying too long is your fault.

Please can you edit in some animations of narcissist vs borderline differences in introjects? Visual rep of these concepts would help with understanding

Amazing

Wow. You guys could do one of this about histrionic and aspd, too.

oh yes i relate...

❤Thank you

I appreciate all the information about the illnesses but what are the solutions to all this ?

I am trying to fit this into my family dynamic. My oldest sister is fanatical religious and has never accepted me as part of the family unit. I think she is narcissistic like both my parents and I have borderline accepts I can relate to. Oh boy I am never going to have a relationship with her.

@1:03:35 that was too funny, Sam

Thank you for this video. It is complicated, I think I need it to watch it again. Could you explain, if possible, the dynamics of codependents? Are they more like narcissists or borderlines? Or maybe they are somewhere in between?

Yup

Been there for so long with narcissist partners but where does it leave us codependents who are operating a very similar playbook?

Dear Prof Vaknin, are self-states exactly activation of dyadic conflicts in Kernbergs theory?

25:47 why does this only very rarely happen, assuming this is an example of an abusive household?

I wonder if a hypnotherapist could regress the narcissist to the 18-month old child and instruct the child to separate from the mom despite of the mom's behavior.

I’m unclear as to why a narcissist would not continuously Hoover the same introject.

Question- When I was a little girl only 9, my dad threw my blankie away while I was at school. That blankie was my life. Could that have caused me to have lifelong mental issues for me? @samvaknin

Interesting...could u once explain living with a narcissistic person and when having an intimate conversation with them...u feel a black hole in them...empty soul....is that normal. Was scary for me...I was infuriated with myself...I felt like am losing my self....

woah, the man himself.

What do we do with borderline children? Can we do anything to help them?

What about narcissist who is obsessed with his mother and sister, does he ever devalue them?

Can someone be borderline and narcissistic?

So there's no forgiveness for the young mother who had one disabled child and one healthy child?

Humans creation of God stems from all these principles I think.

Is the separation of the narcissist and their surrogate mother (via the intimate partner) ever successful? Has there been any documented cases of individuals getting close showing signs of healing? Or is the cycle tragically and toxically repeated again and again with future intimate (hapless) partners?

I am sure this will never reach anybody that can help me, but how do I get rid of the person that still has contact with my family indirectly and knows more about me Im sure that me. without any contact with me. he will call one person and knows everything he needs to continue his life and then I feel stuck that I can not even take a poop and he will probably know about it. am I going crazy, paranoid. do I have to be grey rock to everybody in my family.?

01:08:20

Freud is an aspect of psychology.

Ahhhhh, devalue reality. Become one with the false-self god!

I'm curious about trauma like sexual abuse that is often given as a cause for borderline? Can you develop BPD without internalizing abusive input from your mother?

Very interesting interview, but Richard, your persistent “active listening” sounds were VERY distracting. Perhaps someday they could be edited out partially or completely.

7

1:52:33 😂

1:28:44 😂🧮📊📈📉

And the only reason I'm listening to any of this is due to the fact that you're being homeless and being very well educated and this is not of anything of your own volition but it doesn't mean stop learning to continue to educate yourself

He said we're ants compared to God and I found that insulting to ants..

From frist source kids, girls dont play dolls in the kindergarden anymore.

side note: I see now why game of Thrones was such a massive success (white walkers = narcissists) and a flop at once (inability to portray narcissistic contagion as introject)

Grannon is a worst kind of narcissist than Grannon is!

As a borderline i can fall in love every other night,, just meeting a man and falling in love...very frustrating to a man who wants to commit to me,because I get alot of attention