If You're AFRAID You Won't Find Love. . . 

You know what's even more hurtful? When you are so hungry for love that you fall in love with the potential ... you've seen little interest towards you and you engage emotionally with the wrong person...

It is a chronic pain. I mostly just keep myself busy, but pretty much cry myself to sleep every night. Then i go back to work the next day and pretend that never happened

My 86 year old grandmother is having her boyfriend move in with her next month. If she can find love at that age, anybody can!

32 years old, never had a relationship, it has been difficult watching ppl around me develop their relationships feeling like I'm broken. This video describes the feeling well

A person who finds themselves perennially single, who doesn’t seem to meet anyone to date often, tends to internalize a feeling they are a “reject”. We are normal, kind, attractive people who watch everyone else pair off. It grows into a fear that we are unloveable. We must fight the temptation to get sad or feel cheated. We should be open hearted and go places that compatible people will hang out too. It’s hard when you feel like the unicorn who can’t get anyone good. But we might as well be ourselves and keep trying. It comes so easily to most people we know, and it’s not fair. We must persevere to be our best self and not get in a hurry. Make life meaningful.

I am divorced 35 year old and I am literally at the same spot. Relationships and people are so unpredictable. What is a rose today can turn into thorn in a blink of eye.

My personal antidote to the fear of being alone is the fear to spent my energy and time to/with the wrong person. I better stay alone then.

Dude it breaks my heart cause I had a friend who always said his heart is too big and he has too much love to not have anyone to share it with, all he wanted was someone to love.. he died alone in his apartment cause he relapsed on heroin… so fucking sad

Letting go is the struggle

After my last break up which was excruciatingly painful and shocking, I remember saying the same thing to my therapist about how I have no hope in ever meeting the “right” person for myself. My mom had lived a very lonely life before she passed away and I felt like I was following in her foot steps. My therapist tried to help me understand that life is about the journey, not the destination. She told me to make a conscious effort to enjoy life even if I did it alone. Well exactly a year later when I found myself loving myself and enjoying life, I met a wonderful man. Didn’t think he was “ the one” at first which told me I was on the right track because my past failed relationships began differently. Anyway, we never know what tomorrow brings so love life and keep the hope.

Ive felt that pain for yeaaaaars but when you describe it as "chronic" I thought, how accurate that is, doesnt matter if your family loves you, if your career rocks or your friends love you, there's this longing that wont go away.

Audrey makes a great point. It’s scary to want it but not have it. It’s even scarier to want it more than anything, because not finding it makes you feel incomplete, even if you have everything else going for you. I’m so glad she found it with Mathew, it gives me hope.

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

I'm 34 and have been single for 7 years. I really dont think about finding the one for me. I just live my life the best way i know how. I've been so content being alone that I fear that if I do decide to give someone a chance, I'll regret it and just want to be single again. There's so many people married and unhappy or have been divorced more than once.

You made me cry Matthew because every word you said is just so true and I completely felt that. There is one thought that keeps me going through these times where I feel this chronic pain like you described it: Every day that I am living through right now is bringing me closer to the person that falls in love with me and who I fall in love with 🥺 just wanted to share that in case someone needed to hear this ❤

Your videos drop at exactly the same time when I am feeling such negativity. I do fear this when I try to let go of my toxic relationship.

For the first time I hear a meaningful description of that feeling. Stop saying to some people: get busy or rise ! Because you can’t be busy 24/7. 🙂

i recently came to the conclusion, that just b/c I know someone loves me... doesn't mean it's going to look like i think it should. i had to shift my paradigm to accept and appreciate the love they give me as the way they know how to give it. of course i can express my needs... but then i have to realize that they can only meet my needs at the bandwidth that they are able to.

I relate so much. I have been “on my own” (physically) since 18, I moved to the US for college. My family lives overseas so my friends have become my second family. At 32, Im ready to have my own family though. I want to share my highs and lows with someone. My friends are beyond amazing and lovely, but there is a “void”. There are some voids that friends cant quite fill - certain intimacy, sensual and familial needs. Im trying to stay strong and keep my standards high, but there’s been times where Ive caved in due to high hopes, loneliness and being “swept away”. Its not easy, but so TRUE - what you seek is out there and available. Just need to change our perspective and stay conscious and itll happen at the right time ❤

Thank you for this discussion. I feel so sad watching this. The want for love has totally consumed my life and while I realise all the things I need to be doing to be present in other areas of my life, love is the only thing I can think about at the moment. I feel like I have no control of this feeling of needing a loving relationship in my life. I just can't be present and enjoy other areas of my life

it seems to be very easy for some people..And less for others..

I think people have to be aware of the fact that by truly opening themselves up to love, they are also opening themselves up to be hurt. Forming attachment comes with vulnerability. So if you want love, you have to want it enough to be willing to risk the pain that comes with failure. That takes a lot of willpower and a lot of personal stability. Even after reaching that point in my life, I still find myself faced with this monolith.

This video made me cry with anticipation and knowing there are people who understand my feelings. After a 44 year relationship/38 year marriage, I am now single unexpectedly. My former husband decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. At the age of 60, I am trying to determine if there is anyone in this world who I can trust to be in a loving relationship with. Matthew says he is not worried about me at all finding another partner in life...good to hear!

Audrey is so relatable! Such a good addition to this team! Each one of you has a different perspective & I love that!

Break ups suck. I also think getting into a relationship you should t be in sucks more. Let keep our eyes open and try with honesty. Oh yea. Avoid narcissist of all types.

Love comes slow but goes too fast, what hurts the most for me is, love is not just possible when we need the most! And i sometimes thought will there be other people feeling the same!!

Audrey’s comment is 🎯 42 years old, single mom 24/7, single for 8 years, and I’ve resigned myself to being alone because the pain is chronic, and exhausting. Radically accepting that who I am and the integrity I’m looking to build with is exceptionally rare in these times and may not exist

Is it love that we are longing for or is it connection? I'm leaning towards connection. For me, connection is the key to deep love. We can love others and not be close- connected-which many times result in relationships that leave us with a sense of lovelessness. If we simplify the idea of finding "love" to finding connection, I believe we will have more fulfilling and loving relationships.

Just got out of a situationship that probably would not have turned into anything serious, but it made me happy, and now I am back to fearing the same thing. Will I die alone? it's terrifying.

I so appreciate these real conversations you guys have as a collective. It makes me feel I’m not alone in my feelings and just that is uplifting. Thanks again!

It’s terrible to be alone and each day you know your chances becoming less. No one looks at you eventually and you die from heartache from time of absence of a companion. Love is something every human being should have outside of family love.

I was with this guy when I was in my 20's was considerate and fun. He generally arrived 15 - 20 minutes late when we went somewhere. That one negative was so insignificant compared to the positives. To begin with, yes, it bothered me, I was with him for more than a year. When we broke up, we remained friends for more than a year. I smile when I think about it, I don't miss the relationship or him, it just makes me smile.

I’m 33 been single my whole life and usually fall into unrequited love. I hate it. I always tell myself I have love because of God and I believe it but I still feel so empty at times.

I am very picky I was on cloud 9 when I finally found a person I really liked. He liked me back too. I’ve never been in relationships before and couldn’t believe I was so lucky to have reciprocal feelings for someone. But life is not that easy 😂😂 the object of my love happened to be extremely avoidant and ghosted me. Anyway, thanks to such videos I don’t lose hope and think one day I will be lucky to meet real love. Even if not, I’m living my single life to the fullest. Don’t give up, folks!

Being single and hating it is different from being single and fearing that status as something that's permanent to our personality, and neither one of those things has to define you so deeply. Chronic feelings of unworthiness, self-deprecating thoughts and being critical of yourself doesn't leave you with anything remotely positive, and in more extreme cases, it can make those around you feel repulsed by your presence. Nothing's more pathetic than watching someone wallow in their sorrows and refusing to do something more productive with that.... and I'm speaking these words with a very specific person in mind.

I think my issues is not being able to put myself out there after being burnt so badly, it actually scares me to go over that all over again.

There can be deep desperate moments, when you crave for a hug (the kind you can only have with a person you love) and there is no one there. To think that there will never ever be someone again can hurt very much and yes, it can happen (f.e. when you are ill - who would want to build a castle with an ill person?). I think it is important to accept it all and get on with everything, but still it hurts. And yes, other people are struggling, too, and some of the relationships around me are not the ones I would want to have, but still, these people have people who care and when you are single, you have to organize every little bit of care or all the things that couples just do. So I do understand the feeling so well and I think it is important to share these feelings and accept them with grace, but accept them. But I would never accept a toxic or bad relationship, no matter how desperate it sometimes feels!!! 🙂

I once heard that we need to have more of a culture that prioritizes other types of love other than romantic love.

I experienced this two days ago....after few weeks....everything seemed to be perfect....incredible emotional, mental, intellectual, physical connection....the person I was waiting my entire life for....and I did not imagine that he felt the same....but he did not want to go deeper because of a distance of 450km between us....because of my attachments from the past....because of our age difference....all these what was 100% clear before we even started to meet....I am broken...I am so down....😢😢😢

It's amazing to see how connected Matthew is with the deep feelings of the audience 😮 Thanks Matthew!

Video idea: Conversation starters once you drop the “hanker-chief” and they return it to you. I struggle jump starting conversations in a calm, natural and flirtatious way. Thank you to you and your team for delivering us content that is essential for navigating the dating process, is a reminder to value and trust ourselves, and most importantly…ways in which we can lead an enriching life. Cheers!

I know his advice is mostly geared towards women, or at least that's how I've perceived it, but as a man I've found these videos to be so helpful. And this one in particular has really solidified a hope in me and the things that I've been thinking about and working through. So thanks for the advice. It's greatly appreciated.

I've followed Matt for years and his videos I find helpful but this one resonates the deepest and hardest for me. This is where I am now and it is so hard as we all live in a world designed for couples and families. So glad to hear the sad/real side of dating without making it about how we need to do xyz but find comrodery in this phase.

When I see my friends in relationships I see how annoying and selfish their partners are and it makes me not want a relationship. I don’t mind working on a relationship, but I don’t think I can compromise my life to be with an emotionally unintelligent man. It’s exhausting. I live in a relatively smallish area, where everyone knows everyone so you can’t casually date anyone. You have to be careful that you aren’t dating someone’s ex, or dating people who are friends. Also if you date a lot of people, people start to talk about you in a negative way.

Man I feel so called out by this episode 😅 I'm really working on all the things, and I've had so much healing thanks to channels like yours ❤

Lately I'm enjoying very much hearing Jameson talking the most. Everything that has been said is very relatable and that episode from The Crown was so sad and that scene Matthew spoke about was so intense, it feels so intense when you've felt the same way.

Thank you for this video. I'm a person who has been in a relationship for 7,5 years, but I know it's not true love and often it feels like having a flatmate rather than a partner. But I'm not brave enough to get out of this emptiness because it just feels comfortable. But I dream about a different kind of relationship and love, but I don't believe I'll ever find it. I'm 37. The biggest love of my life is my dog. My friends are either married, engaged or crazily in love in a new relationship, having / expecting or planning children. I used to long for these things, too, but as I haven't found the true love, I don't want a wedding or kids. And what makes me sad isn't only the fact I haven't found my true love and maybe I never will. Although I'm happy for the people I care about and how their lives have turned out - weddings, kids, etc., I am afraid I'll be like a loser in other people's eyes if I never find my true love (or something that would come at least close to it) and I'm afraid that if everyone around me will be happy, there will be no more space for me in their life. That's the only thing that makes it hard to wish happiness for others 100% wholeheartedly - the fear of ending up lonely and feeling lik a loser. But these are just emotions speaking for me because my brain says that if you find your true love or not doesn't say anything about your qualities as a person. I don't judge people based on their relationship or marital status, so why should anyone judge me. But Matthew hit the nail on the head when he said: "Although you're happy for others, their happiness just reminds you of what you don't have" (or something like this).

Thankyou for posting this video at the right time, Mathew. I needed it the most.

That's what I call perfect timing. I needed this. Thank you ❤

Excellent. I’m sad and 65. But this made my heart lighter ❤️

This is so rich, thank you for being real and honest with us.

This conversation was so completely comforting. ❤ thank you

This video made me cry. Beautiful and very true. Thanks!

I absolutely love that line " You have to be where your feet are" That resonated so strongly with me that it made me pause. A reminder to be present in the "NOW" of my life. I cannot be present in my past because it's gone, and I am no time traveler so I could not be present in my future. The Mind is the only part of us that shifts between past, present, and future, but our physical bodies can only be in the NOW. I will say this from a Christian standpoint from my perspective no one else's / at this time I say I AM a wife even though I'm not dating or even talking to anyone. I am told to call those things that are not as they were. I am deep diving into my word, and getting closer to the Lord. The love will come, the young lady said she wanted love more than anything like career, friendships, travel but I say you cannot want love above the one who "created" LOVE in the 1st place. Honestly, I did at a point in my life when I didn't get what I was doing was making (-finding love/a husband) an idol. So, I fell back, then asked my God to help me with the desire for marriage that He placed in me. It's peaceful sitting under him learning what he wants me to do. It can be lonely and times, but I turn to my Bible and he points me to the children in the bible he has helped and that gives me comfort. If He did it before he will do it again, Ruth, Esther, Hannah, and Sarah they all had requests and petitions they lifted up to Him and he fulfilled them when it was time. God bless each of you here.

Thank you for acknowledging the pain.

This is such a great honest conversation for people who really want that partner in life.

Y’all are great, and I love love love having Audrey’s perspective on your vids 😻♥️

@MatthewHussey the hardest thing is when your BPD partner leaves you. After that, you truly feel like you'll never feel the same love that you thought you had with your ex BPD partner. I'm still suffering from that.

Thank you for this video, very encouraging to not feel alone in this

Key word for me on this conversation “generous lens” 💝

Exactly what you said it, how I feel... I want it more than my career, friends, money and material things. 🥺

I'm convinced that finding love is not for everyone, just like singing is not for everyone or physics or painting, etc. Not every human being is made to find love, some of us are just unlovable or unable to love others, it is an absolute privilege, to find love and to be in a relationship is a miracle, a very common one in appearance, but a miracle nevertheless.

I agree with what Audrey said sooo much! It's a visceral feeling, not having what you want so deeply.

From all my heart, thank you for your words guys 🪷

Excellent Matthew! - yes the pain is chronic , everlasting! Thank you 😥🤗

Consistently relocated and moved overseas in my 20s being so independent and lonely all the time, I actually forgot how it was to be in a relationship. Wow it has been almost a decade that I haven’t experienced love romantically but instead I had short term relationships that hurt me. I want love more than anything else but I know I must keep developing myself to be the one I want to be with for the rest of my life while the one is on his way to me ! Never lose hope ❤

I'v asked Matt before to have a retreat for singles only.I can only hope enough ppl ask him to organize this❤❤

I’m So Glad You Exist, Matthew❤

I am not afraid of staying single, but i am afraid of falling in love again. My last breakup still hurt me even after 4 years of separation...

Matt you are so right! I am a widow that has that and that’s truly how I feel. I want to at again.

Thanks, I needed to hear this.

This convo is epic 🎉

Thank you, finally. I keep getting told you 'will' find someone, as if there are guarantees and life is fair. It just frustrates me. There is no comfort in people telling me the universe has a plan or whatever. I've experienced too much hurt, death, loss, abandonment and rejection for that to be true. Or if it is true, the universe has a grudge. lol.

I was at the place too. Now, I'm happy married, but I also thought when I find my true love all other problems will disappear. It was a huge mistake. I just let all of my anxiety and trauma come to the surface. And I had to make therapy to heal. So, it was bittersweet. Now, I'm happy, but it was a long road and it still comes up now and then... By the way, I started dating with 33 years old, because I was afraid to get hurt. What happens? I get cheated on. So, I guess the more you fear something, than it comes true... 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think we have to be ok with the possibility that we might NOT find romantic love but it might be possible. ❤

Thanks for that! I really felt understood at some point!

Amo como los 3 se complementan tan bien en los comentarios. Son un excelente equipo! Amo el contenido. I completely lost the fear of dying alone. I would love a partner, but I know I could live happily without one.

I know this is mostly intended for women audience. But man it was so relatable. What hurts the most is when you feel like there is a lot of love within you to share with someone, to enjoy that part of life, you are willing to grow, work on relationship and build something meaningful. Yet all you know is mistreatment, stringing along and rejection. You think you found someone that is interested in you, you connect, you feel like the bond is slowly growing, but when you want to take things to the next level you get "Look in the mirror, how could you possible think you had a chance with me." This emotionally destroys you. It makes you think you are unworthy, unlovable, there is always someone else, people only use you for their own benefit. It has been some time since then, but I am honestly still afraid to open my heart again, to trust anyone again.

Hello, I always feel enlightened by your amazing relationship videos. 😊 I always found men complex for many years, I only found my husband when I was 31 years old. I got engaged at 33 & got married when I was 34.

It is interesting that whenener a problem comes up,people encourage us to let it go.This has been a prescription for all of us.However,in terms of relationship,we wouldn't bring this let-it-go in our life despite knowing it already👏👏

Isn't it a matter of how you're thinking and your beliefs? Visualising, writing down what you look for in a partner, affirmations... I think it's also being mindful to be detached. Nothing is guaranteed. So just enjoy and appreciate the good people and the partner you may find. It's just an acceptance that you may not find it too.

Thank you sooooo much for sharing your feelings your thoughts and experience I totally feel the same Practice of letting go gets even more difficult when we grow older ( I am a 50 year old divorced mother) Thank you for sharing

One thing you seem to skip is this, as a single, going out for the evening to have a good time and i feel im in a emotional state to be open to meeting someone with a special mindset to find some dazzle and finding that special chemistry, it just not the same if im out hiking or fixing my car in the driveway and hot and sweaty and not mentally in a state to find chemistry on a mountainside or on the sidewalk, its just not the same kind of connection with someone as when im dressed up and looking for love out on the town for the evening events. Its just not the same connection, the "how we met" part is important, some like quirky stuff im sure, but i dont, i just want good old fashioned sparks to remember forever.

I met a new girl after my divorce, and she is my dream girl, not look vice but as a whole person, and I love with all of my heart. So please don't focus on looks alone, you will be surprised of how many girl, will be your dream girl, once you spend time with them.

Thank you for this. 🙏🏻

I agree with Steve. I stayed single bec I couldn't find another person to have the same love I had. I believe in the second chances. I believe that there is possibility to be in love again. It may takes time to have a new love. A new person that can build up what is missing. Deeper than the first one maybe? I don't know. But there is always ways to find new and fresh relationship.

Wow my favorite Matthew ❤❤❤❤

love will fall in place and will be easy if you are comfortable with being alone and being by yourself and loving yourself first. I was desperate to find love cause i was afraid of being lonely and not being in a long term relationship only to discover that the relationship i ended up in after searching was an toxic relationship , and because i was so afraid of being alone and single , i didn't wanna end this toxic relationship i had . In the end i eventually dumped him for my own well being and came across this video and realize that theres no need to rush . Be happy and let love find you and remember your boundaries and respect

Beautiful!

I am entering my 40s this month and I am resigned to the fact that solitude is the only thing for me even though I never dated or even kissed a girl in my life.

Every time I find someone and get feelings they tell me how great I make them feel to be around and then they give their love to someone else. Then everyone gives me the "you have so many people who care about you" speech yet I never am the choice whenever these women are given a decision between me and someone else. I am 57 and never do I come out on top.

I am divorced and would rather be alone than with someone I don’t love. I will never settle ever again.

I got 3 and a half more years to find someone. If I don’t, I’m checking out. I made a 5 year deadline to myself when I turned 25. If I hit 30 and I’m still in the same situation, that’s it, I’m done

Helllo everyone from Sierra Leone 🇸🇱

No one is really afraid of "not finding love." The things people are afraid of are: not finding someone to have kids with, growing older single, living alone, not having someone to go on holidays with, being judged by friends, family, and society for being single, being bored, not having a purpose in life, etc. No one is afraid of not ever finding a song they'll love, a movie they'll love, a pet they'll love, a hobby they'll love. You can find love in many things. What you're looking for is a specific individual to fill a specific role in your life. When you lose your real fears and accept you'll be okay if you don't have kids, live alone, go on holidays by yourself, etc., then your fear of "not finding love" is gone. Then you can start the real work of finding someone that could fill a specific role in your life.

I love her voice.

It is scary in this type of hook - up society to find romantic love, I recently got ghosted by a man I had strong feelings for,and I feel like the odds are really small to get all those factors that are needed to connect with someone on that deep of a level when time,age,society seems to go against you, feels like a small chance of success.

Feeling down after I left my ex after finding out she had been cheating for the last year and a half 😕 she’s a terrible person now but at one point she was everything I wanted, with her flaws and all. We started off as a best friends and eventually we became romantic. I remember neither one of us really wanted it to turn into a relationship but love happens when you don’t look for it and we became head over heels for each other. Our bond was so strong at one point, I hope I can find that sort of love again ❤️

That was amazing

So profound!