Indifference and healing from narcissistic relationships 

Thank you for that. Well said. That helps me a lot.

Absolutely right I agree. I'm going through that journey now of self love and it gets easier by the day. So easy that I'm starting to find myself learning saying NO and not feel some kind of way about it. #it feels good. P.S. your name sounds familiar... don't I know you? 🤔

I think I've hit a tier of indifference. I don't intentionally wish her I'll or want her to have a bad life. But the idea of going to the same city as her or her family is something I'm working on

@@shantelwilliams2991 I don’t think so lol but I wish you the best on your journey

@Jen Jenn you’re very welcome! Good luck❤️

I concur wholeheartedly @ Aya Saudi....holding your heart presently.

Me too ♡♡♡ She helped me heal YEARS of pain

She's a soul saver.

Agreed

Yes!

I like this! 😊 thank you for sharing

Beautiful quote! Thank for sharing! 🥰

thank you!

Wowzers amazing nice quote

Why women in AMERICA need educations, jobs are competitive with men. To survive women in western countries need educations.

I still pray for them only God can heal them

💯🙏🏽

Sure!

Thank you for that!

@@ambererickson5940 amen

"And honestly if they want information they can watch these damn videos" LOL 😆 I LOVE IT

Emma Jugganaikloo It took me 50 years to discover this information. 😕😩 about two years ago....EDIT: (actually, four years ago, after the gaslighting got physical, I filed a restraining order against one of my flying monkey sisters. So, around 46 years old. The narcissist is a time sucker. Easy to lose track of time. their games are on loop.) after that...I finally had enough of it and started googling their behaviors and patterns. That was actually the beginning of my education regarding narcissist family dynamic. OMG ... this extraction has been a long and painful process.

April Love better late than never

This really got stuck with me, i used to feel sorry for his supplies but then i was like, nobody ever felt sorry for me, life is a game and we all gotta level up alone

Exactly. I'm done with rescuing.

Will I get there...too . Two wks out from two year horrible ness

I like your analogy of the rearview mirror… Very introspective!

Good for you🙌 i just came from no contact and it is a struggle, my empathic nature feels sorry for him and at times i feel guilty for cutting him off, since a recent hoovering...i just blocked his number for good and turn off all social media and now consodering chaning my number.

I don’t care about the narc at all. I am angry at what he did to my young adult children how it effected them and my relationship with my children.

Thanks for sharing. This gives me hope. I'm 2 years no contact and still not quite there yet. I find when I have other stresses in my life, the cPTSD symptoms seem to return and I ruminate on the Narcissist more. It's manageable now, and my life has improved massively since I first got discarded, but I'd like not to dwell on the relationship at all.

Yes it does take long while. It was comments from Dr Ramani's channel and the HG Tudor one that have set me free. I learned that it was not about what he actively did, more what he didn't do that created so much bafflement

💯

Man, do I ever hear that. The mirroring and projection had me so twisted until I realized how I had been played.

Thats exactly what I said to him yesterday when he called to demand I don't press charges. I DIDNT DO THIS. YOU DID.

Thank you for this beautiful comment ❤️ My life energy is my own

yes. their crap is their business not ours.

That is true although I feel my ex has achieved indifference towards me already and has 'won'. He hasn't behaved like a classic narc and tried to hoover me back and has completely blanked me for months even before he moved out (silent treatment). Maybe my pride is hurt too because he hasn't wanted me back. :-( He does have new supply though so let's see what happens if that doesn't work out.

@@jackie4290 He hasn't behaved like that *yet*. Stay strong.

I used to wish such bad things to happened to my narc sister, but now I just do not care. I know that because of her narcissism even if something terrible happened to her she still would not learn from it. No amount of life lessons will teach her to be a better person or learn from her mistakes, or teach her to treat others better. Nothing will make her apologize to me, and I no longer need an apology. I just don't care anymore. It's not worth my energy. The best I can do is live a good life for me.

@@jackie4290, count your blessings that he has discarded you & not tried to Hoover you back! Of all the ways of disengaging from a narcissist, it is BEST when they discard you! They have done half the work for you! And less chance of revenge from narcissistic injury. Now, you have to do the other half of the work by disengaging emotionally/becoming indifferent to them!

​@@jackie4290 I don't think you should be watching to see what that person is doing at all

👍agree💯😊🧘‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️💫

Same thing I thought - detachment and indifference/separation from outcomes.

What is Al-Anon?

AA Alcoholics anonymous

Detachment is a better word.. Indifference is more of a word describing narcissists

It isn't indifference to them as a fellow human but no longer needing their acceptance, validation, love etc. You can still love a person with no hope of love back as long as you have no expectations on them and move on without them. What we tend to do with them is agonise over them and be tortured by the mind games they play. Indifference is not caring whether we win in their game anymore or care what they think of us. If you can still love them as a human being whilst simultaneously not worrying what they think of you then you have successfully let go of them.

Exactly! Moving toward indifference means a total energetic rebalancing.

80islandia funny because since the beginning of October I decided it’s time to let go and ever since I’ve been having night sweats, I guess my body is expelling everything finally and rebalancing like you just said

@Ana Jaramillo Wow, that sounds very powerful. All the best to you as you move through a well-deserved recalibration. 🌹✨

80islandia thank you for your words!! I just woke up one morning and decided that enough was enough and I’m finally not ruminating anymore. Sleeping is rough because of the night sweats but I know once my body and spirit are done, I’ll be even happier and healthier. 🧡

@Ana Jaramillo The finality you describe sounds very liberating and I’m sure your body will thank you in the end after the rollercoaster of night sweats. Good luck!

Which brings you to the opposite of love is not hate its indeferance.

Lilly you nailed it!

@@ennvee3354 thank you ur kind., support having others is precious.. im greatful., transcending is awsome no other can come along the curtain has been pulled.. rest in that peace u earned it.

@Braveheart that's not indifference. You still have a lot of healing to do. Best wishes,

Honey you do not even look 20 yet alone have a 20 yrs marriage!! Good for you!!!!

Love that, we actually do detach from that toxic chaos. Perfectly said.

I'm looking forward to the indifference!

It's called "drop the rock" you have been carrying, nuturing, loving. I dropped mine at the foot of the Cross.

That makes sense to me. It's 1 year out of a 4 year relationship. I still dream about him, but am getting to a place of indifference. I have had a hard time accepting that invalidation and passive aggression is abuse. But starting to see how destructive that is.

Perfect description 😊

Are they family or an ex? Harder to cut a family member off

woboznz i was referring to an ex. If it’s a family member and you can’t cut them off, you just have to give them supply unfortunately just for the time being

@@Ellejas yeah mine is my Mum. I limit my interactions and even moved overseas. Its still tough to keep her at bay! I'm glad you cut off your ex. Stay strong x

woboznz thank you, stay strong too ❤️

No contact no problems!

Lol. I was wondering if someone might remember that classic phrase! You're the first person I've seen so far who has mentioned it. 👍😀

To quote a song: "Haters are obsessed fans"

Ohh So Social,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!

Yes, I loved this one too!

I have only just started watching Dr Ramani videos 📺🙏🙏🙏 Dr you have brought so much clarity in my life. I am no longer confused 🤔🙏☑️the OPERATIVE word TO DESCRIBE you is Amazing ☑️

i had to rewind just to make sure i heard that correctly lmao

Yes! lol let's not mince words! Loved it.

deep! I might use that. Thanks

I'm 58 and my Dad said that.

Opposite of LOVE.. is FEAR. Hatred and Indifference are properties of fear. Like Joy and Excitement are properties of LOVE.

Love has no opposite. Because love is unconditional. So it can't have any opposite. The opposite of indifference is focus I'd say.

@@fuseflash5506 Fear is just one core emotion. A primitive one but not opposite of love. I don't know because in some ways it's kind of opposite to love because fear = source of hostility.

Wish I could have skiped that suffering part.

Ivana Miljak,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!

Ooh! I like “irrelevant!” Thank you!!! 👍👍👍👍👍

Interesting word, especially since a lot of narcissistic behaviour stems from fear of being/becoming irrelevant. Thank you.

I like that word "irrelevant" too! Perfect! I think detachment is good but then on to the next step of irrelevant!!! Thanks for that @Lisa R.

Really well said

there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.

I agree with you 100%! I LOVE the way indifference feels in this scenario! I'm not sure why so many people are trying to offer up different words for it, but maybe each person's word is the best to describe their individual experience of healing. Indifference, to me, feels very empowering, and it feels like a REAL and final severing of the relationship. It feels like it is truly being left behind. After all, the narcissist is not a stranger, and they're not a person you should be close to, either.

Ms. Tiffany - Preach!

Yep, it's good to know and face one's shortcomings.

I have it ,😎

I have that book in audio format. I will listen to it again. It's been a month since my millionth break up from the NARC. I am full of pity and guilt. Sadly, I am still in the relationship and it will take a long time to detach.

I agree with detachment. Indifference works and applies but detachment to me is more of an action verb. When I start ruminating I think to myself my mind is a menu do I want to spend any more precious moments of my life thinking about this for absolutely nothing. I have better things to think of. What can I do to move forward in my life today and then I think about that and something good always comes up for me to take a step forward in. It’s worked wonders. Also I have handed over all hope. Not a shred exists and there is nothing at all of the things that I lived to go back to. Acknowledging that takes u far in the detachment process.

Love that book❤

The key word is focus. Without your focus they actually die. I have seen it happen

YES, anger is real!!!!!!

Monster is actually the right word. I will use it from now on too.

Listen to your instinct always & take precautions You are correct, this cut of supply most likely will anger him, if you have alarm bells going off then definitely. Congrats for being strong & be safe

You are definitely not alone. Im with you on everything you said. We got this!

I think you should just move. If you don't feel safe, the police can't really help. You will feel much safer and feel safer if you're not looking over your shoulder.

If you are in the US get an Order of Protection. It is a free service

Is that Gottman reference? Either way I disagree, at least for me I had to detach my feelings for caring what becomes of him. That was always the hook, the fact I cared was used against me. Disentanglement makes it sound like you are still trying to fix the relationship by 'setting it straight'. You must let go and heal.

@@evonne315 I totally agree! Indifference is a much better word. To me, 'disentanglement' sounds as tho' it's still going on - you're still in the process of disentangling (to me). But indifference means it's complete. It's done. I'm over them. I love that word and it's a goal for me... and it's coming soon!

@@jfdc8432 yup, you gotta put it the way that works for you. Best of luck with your goal - rooting for you!

I agree with her use of the word indifference. Personally I think it is an important distinction. Indifference means that you are not supplying the narcissist with the energy load, or supply, they crave when they come in contact with you. If you think of it as saving your energy for you and giving them as little energy as possible, then you are starving them of supply. When I started thinking of it this way (starving them of supply) it became a lot easier to become indifferent.

YES - that's it! Well said. You're not supplying them and they're not activating you, either. For real.

This was so satisfying to read!

Bravo 👏💕

😁😁😁😁😁😂😂😂😂😂😂

Enjoy every peaceful minute of freedom

My narc/alcoholic husband of 34 years will be gone in 2 weeks. I hope to get to a place of “indifference”. Still in the ruminating anger stage.

I am in the same situation. Married 34 years too.

Oh, what a blessing!

You are free! Congratulations ladies :)

If we end up being kind all the time to the narc while we are being abused, then obviously we don't love our selves. Indifference (emotional detachment) is far more a healthier move to find time to being kind to ourselves and those who truly need our helping hand.

Be kind to yourself! You deserve it.

When we've had enough indifference is all we can feel. I'm over him and in my mind it's like he didn't exist. That helps me.

@@KushQueen9 Excellent solution! Very well said!

I’m sorry u went through that. I can’t imagine having a narcissistic mom. I have cousins that did too & most of them are also narcissistic now. But it definitely affects their life in many different ways. Especially if they are tied to them financially

You're on your way, keep going Joseph.

I am also no contact with my narc mother/sister duo. That's all the family that I had, but it's better to be at peace than to be constantly bullied and emotionally abused/gaslit. It's been about a year and a half for me. Am working through therapy to get strong and move forward for a healthy phase 2 of life. Love and light to all of you.

I also have a Narcissistic Mother and Father. I can relate to what you are experiencing. I am assuming it is normal to feel angry. I guess it might be part of the healing process. Try to leave the past to the past. It happened. It's over now. You are safe. I guess you never forget the things that happened to you. These things made you who you are today. At least for me it made me a kinder more compassionate person to others. I am 62 and have found it's never too late to follow your dreams. You will reach a point where you are happy with yourself and finally at peace.

Ur amazing be genital with ur self it will happen sooner than u think..

I like how you link ambivalence with the feelings we still hold in the body and as a way of honouring the time it takes to release those feelings as we move toward indifference.

Yes it is true. Strong feeling of confussion

Yes so true

Yes we are never only feeling one thing...but achieving indifference in general helps create space for confusion to clear, and other feelings to clarify.

Absolutely!

Agreed! There's a boundary for those beautiful gems ❤

But i cant and i think never will able too . I am caught up in crossroads . Its someone in my relations obligatory one ,but yet tough for me

I always thought I had to love and forgive my father.

@@jessicalee163 you do have to live and respect them, especially your father. But forgiveness means you can do it from a distance and not necessarily even have any contact with them. It means to not wish any harm on then (what this video calls indifference).

AA is filled with narcs. If you find your partners there, it will be one after the other. Even more if you are dating men. Awareness is key.

Yes, yes YES!!!, causing narcissists everywhere from seeking to engage primary source supply 🙏

I so anderstand this is a long process to get over. Especially because it takes a long time to recognize that they are severely dysfunctional and evil. So recognizing this takes time and grace to ur character that u are not the cause. Thank God for helping u thur this process. Pray and ask for closure and no more love for that person. GOD does answer that prayer. Most people that live that deeply are empaths and are strong and have a precious gift. Dont let yourself forget that. Go forward, as I one day at a time. Remember u are not the evil one.

Bravo xxoo

Narcissists generally don't understand punishment well as they generally mimic or alter factors to cause emotional responses before that of generally just supporting natural thoughts and feelings. What you are saying is a choice, and that it is justified, and not difficult to make or uphold because you are indifferent 🙏😉

At this stage in your life, you don't have to.. but when the time comes you might change your mind.. and go because you have reached indifference.

@@l.ameenaa4669 it's tough with these limited numbers in attendance. I'd opt (indifferently) to give my place up if I could confer that another was more entittled to attend. It's only a ceremony remember 🙏

@Pam Lee 🙏💙

Pam Lee What worked for you, won’t work for me. I don’t believe in the judeo-christian deity. I come from a family of religious fanatics. My puritanical father made my entire childhood and young adult life a living hell, constantly condemning me. He would find fault and the devil in every little thing I did. As much as my father was a puritanical christian, he was also the world’s biggest hypocrite. He would forbid his children, particularly me as his first-born son, from doing everything imaginable that could somehow be magically connected to satan. BUT, my father was ALWAYS doing the things he forbid us to do. He got to have his fun while he left his children’s lives as joyless. As little children, we were confused by his mixed messages and innocently asked him why was he doing the things he forbid us from doing. We didn’t realize we were pointing out his hypocrisy. It didn’t matter we were little kids. He would blow a gasket and absolutely terrorize us. My hypocritical father kept saying how shameful it was that the father of a family we knew, cheated on his wife. Well, my father got so worked up and projected onto that father because he had an affair himself. My flakey mother just went into denial, like she always does with everything in life. My father put me through so much abuse since my earliest memory. As his subservient christian wife, my mother would enable him and back up his play, even when he was gaslighting me like crazy. She would confirm his gaslighting lies, swearing up and down they were true, despite my father was making it all up on the spot. I’m not on speaking terms with my narc father and my narc siblings. My relationship with my mother is complex. I’ve had to limit my conversations with her because I couldn’t take her dismissiveness. She acts like all the horrible things that happened to me never happened. She insists I had a happy childhood. When it came to my severe depression, one time she blamed it on canned food, if you can believe it. As far as she’s concerned, she and my father were perfect parents and they gave me and my siblings an idyllic childhood. The exact opposite is what really happened. So no, using religion as a conduit between my father and I is not going to work. I made it clear to my family that I’m an atheist, which they never accepted. My father and mother would always try to trick me to come back to their religion, usually gaslighting me at times when I was most vulnerable. I CANNOT stand when people tell me I should give religion another try. I don’t want to and I don’t have to. I owe NOTHING to archaic beliefs that made my family act crazy. All denominations are false. The bible isn’t a history textbook. It’s no more credible than Greek mythology. For me to have inner peace, I had to put my family’s beliefs behind me and hold myself to my own convictions and my own beliefs. I’m an individual person who can think for himself. I’m not a Borg drone.

Well put Jaime - "detachment" functioning in the form of "grey rock"

Detachment is a great word. Indifference works too. Once I embraced these ideas I got a sense of peace because I recognized I don't have control over their behaviors.

'detachment' is a good term = Right On!

I was going to say 'acceptance' that they are who they are, and not expecting anything other than what they are. But detachment sounds much more on the nose.

Benevolent detachment

I'm so happy for you! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Wait a few years till she follows you.

I’m grateful you posted this about moving away. I’m considering making the same proactive decision for myself. It’s comforting to hear it was a positive and productive move for your personal journey.

I needed to read this. Thank you. And best wishes and enjoy your LIFE!

"I think about how happy and at peace I am without them around, and that comfort is greater than any other feeling...Trust me, this is the point you want to be at.--Ian McShea I wrote it down to show you the lump of gold you're holding in your hands.--Tonya Sullivan

I thought that the process would be harder when it's a parent too, until my brother, a fragile borderline personality, moved in with her during the covid lockdown. She did every thing she could think of to destroy him, body, mind, soul and spirit. I am now at peace with the knowledge that the person who bought me into the world, is a demonic monster who will probably never change. Remember the Serenity Prayer...God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, and The Wisdom to know the difference. In my opinion, Indifference is a positive result of accepting the truth about the narcissist and going No Contact long enough to completely emotionally detach from the them.

I’ll look it up. Thank you. I need all the help I can get right now. 🙃🙂

Good for you! What you're doing takes alot of courage. Keep up the good work!

You are doing the right thing. In this case, the emotional health of your kid is first. Are you the same with him when you are alone?

@@amber40494 Thank you so much, your comment means a lot take care x

@@MrKANAPAY Thank you your comment means a lot, since posting this my situation has changed, i refuse to even try & co parent with my ex, hopefully a third party (his family) will be picking up my child, but no news as a of yet if that will definitely be happening, if it doesn't then i will have to apply to the court for a contact centre, its not ideal for my child but I'ive had enough, i just feel so bad for my child as he has PR so i don't have a choice.he has rights to see my little no matter how much he will damage my child i can't do a single thing to protest my child, not in the uk anyway its heartbreaking xx

@@clairekinney4133 oh I'm so sorry, I feel for you and your little one. You're doing the best you can so try not to worry. You don't want to lose your health. If it's out of your hands just pray for change to come soon. May you be well and at peace.

maryam,You look cute 🌷🌹🌹

God bless you...your comment is going to help a lot of people.

stay strong - you‘re not alone on your way 💪🙏

Absolutely. The circle shrinks greatly when you stand your ground for the sake of sanity. People love to enable the abuser in the name of “mercy and grace” yet blame the abused as being unforgiving and heartless. It’s truly an oxymoron.

@@Gracenglory5 Yes, an empty circle is best when healing from narcissistic abuse. I love solitude. It brings me peace and clarity of the mind and soul. It helps me to get alone with God my Very best friend. Ya'll check out What to do when people don't want you by RC Blakes here on YT, it's about healthy ways to deal with rejection.

Showing Christian charity as in love your enemy is fatal in cases of narcissistic abuse. That's the gag my Enabling Father always pulled on me.

Beautifully put thank u for all you do.

No.

Please read my comment and tell me what you think cuz i need help

Michele Lanza Any chance you can copy and paste your comment here? There are so many comments now, I can’t find yours!

@@annikamin1637 how do I copy and paste my comment where you want it. Its so important

Michele Lanza If you’re using a smartphone of some kind, usually you can double tap on the text you want to copy (select the span of text and tap “copy”) and then here in our conversation, you would tap “reply” and then double tap to select “paste.” If that doesn’t work, maybe you could write it out again in a reply here? I know that’s a pain 😭

@@annikamin1637 didn't work so I will rewrite the whole thing and resend. It might be worded differently, but it will mean exactly the same thing. I appreciate you're taking out the time because I need help

I get a profound feeling of anxiety in my solar plexus region when I am reminded of past trauma. Now I don't worry about the fact it will happen again under the same stimulus, but instead it is my reliable warning signal that occurs before I have a chance to even think about it consciously. Hese days I'm glad I have it, it has saved me from experiencing the same types of trauma I experienced in the distant past.

She also made a song with branden urie called me! They are narcs

I think Taylor Swift may be a narc.

Write that book.

I don't believe one has to forgive the narc, but just let it go, detach.

Then the former is a conscious choice and the later an option of having an applied attitude. It resolves some ill feelings people have to potentiate discard 🙏

YES!! Me to…everything you just said!!

@@aprilanderson6432 it is definitely a process

Beth Roesch,You look pretty 🌹🌹🌷,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!