"Intelligent Ways to Disarm Toxic People When Boundaries Don't Work and You Want to Be Respected" 

Cindy Reeves I'm really glad you made the final boundary and I've read thousands of comments (used to read a lot of books) about people, especially women, leaving their narcissistic partners, so they might end up having trouble finding targets without knowledge in the future! ☺

Congrats!!! Celebrate your first Christmas of peace

God bless 🙏 you. Don't ever go back 💥💖💥💖💥💖💥

Congratulations!! 🌟🙏

BRAVO !!! I DID ALSO About 7 months ago!!! VWell VWell now Welcome To The Club!!! 🤗💪👍🙏

❤ what I find incredible is that I am studying the life of Jesus and that is what Jesus did. Tell the truth and not worry about the outcome. The same with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The same with Fannie Lou Hamer. The same with all prophets. Being real, authentic and self loving Without intentionally hurting others is the greatest challenge. But the truth about needs and boundaries is not what causes the pain. People’s reaction to the truth is what causes the pain.

That describes my mom to a T. I’m so sorry you have to go through it too.

Same here. I wasted so many decades trying to be a better daughter, trying to make them understand I'm not a bad person etc etc... All the while not realising that they just didn't care! But the decades of gaslighting convinced me that they did. Crazy making stuff.

Me too, all of you. I walked away from her almost 6 years ago and I'm never going back. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the resentment I feel toward her for being completely incapable of any self-reflection whatsoever and getting in the way of my dad, brother and I having a relationship. I honestly hate my own mother. I detest her. And I hope that one day I'll get to a point of feeling nothing because that's the best it can ever get. All of the YEARS of "I love you and I'm proud of you" words that are NEVER backed up by action have really messed with my head and I'm JUST starting to break out of it after 44 years and very, very intense therapy.

@@mongrelpride-zsl Same here. I even went to therapy to try to reconcile the relationship with my parents (both alcoholic narcs). That was 40 years ago, before NPD was understood. I surrendered my 'Dutiful Daughter' badge and gray rocked them.

@@leandrahackwith3168 it's amazing how our stories are so similar. Thanks to social media support groups. Yes I did that for decades - went for all sorts of therapy - science based, spiritual based, mix n match hahaha, worked so hard on myself because I believed I was inherently bad. But I hope like me, all of your hard work has come back to you in the best possible way! All the best to you.

Im an empath too. I have all these different feelings sometimes. Despise crowded places. What i find most bizarre is when i THINK I’m feeling something. Like it genuinely feels likes its me, but turns out its NOT me. Its the person I’m near or thinking about. I can hardly trust certain thoughts unless i know for sure they are centered around myself. I learned this because i was in the medical field. I was good at starting IV’s. But sometimes EXTREME nervousness would overcome me, even if a patient had fantastic veins. Other times i was calm even if their veins were hard to find. I started questioning patients on how they were feeling. Because people are skilled at blocking their thoughts, especially in a vulnerable state. Sure enough, every thing they were feeling felt like my own mental state. It would quickly pass but what an eye opener . would love to know how to block this!

Exactly. I understand your perspective

Someone said some thing that I heard that stays with me to this day. And it is healing, “ Except the apology that’s never going to come. “

Exactly. Nothing ever resolved. They’re not interested in any of that. . I hope you can break free to recoup your life without toxicity, to honor yourself, with grace. 🙏

Well said - me too!

Namaste🙏☮️❤️

These are my parents to a "T". They "say" they "love me and are proud of me" but their actions prove THE EXACT OPPOSITE. It's been a mind-f**k my ENTIRE LIFE and I'm just starting to separate it out at age 44. The resentment I have for my mother is HUGE and I wonder if I'll ever get over that. I'm sure it'll get weaker as time goes on, but I don't think I'll ever be able to accept that she basically stole half of my life by treating me like s**t and making me think that I deserved it.

@@ptanyuh I have a very similar story to you except mine includes my mother being enthusiastically enabling my older brother, who has been a physical and emotional bully since I can remember. It took me about 50 years to finally realize the sick game the 2 of them play using me to maintain their emotional equilibrium. It was very helpful for me to figure out how I routinely got pulled into their vortex. For me, a very, very large part was my need to explain and justify my every minor infraction of their game's "rules": being 5 minutes late for an informal dinner together, not responding to a casual text within minutes, etc. They weren't bound by these rules, of course, and I didn't notice, much less berate or shun them, when they were hours late or simply didn't show up for things, or "missed" my messages completely. Once I got over the awful awareness that whatever they had for me wasn't "love." That's a hard one that you must grieve alone, without them, while at the same time dealing with them in a completely new way in your own mind and heart. Once you decide you're going to change, don't look back. The change is 100% inside you - they may not notice for some time and that's o.k. because the change will never depend on or be affected by anything what they do or say. Once I decided to fully accept that my mother and brother got satisfaction out of using my good nature to mock, disdain and belittle me (behind my back to others, to each other, and often in front of me and others), I decided to leave them to it, 100%, by not reacting at all, with any emotion whatsoever, to their jabs or "jokes" or the comments or "concerns" of others (flying monkeys). Once you know their most common tactics, you can anticipate them, and then plan and practice (literally practice in the mirror) responding with zero emotion, zero concern, to their shenanigans. For example, My mother likes to plan family get-togethers, which have always been really fun and very nice, and then either "forget" to mention them to me until it's so late that it was impossible for to join in or would require incredible effort and expense. Realizing everyone but me seemed to receive enough notice to schedule vacation from work, arrange for pet care, etc., I did the following: a) felt all the feels, fully and completely, in private. The more I thought about it, the more examples of this part of the "game" I remembered, which was confirmation for me. It also really hurt a lot to see the pattern. A friend asked me, "How much of your time are you willing to continue giving up to them?" I decided I would give up just enough time to determine whether something they do is part of the pattern, and that's it. I don't let myself spend another minute of my time thinking about them. b) Decide how you will manage their shenanigans (this is what I've named their pattern behavior) for all time, without exceptions, in the future. Now, when Mom calls to breathlessly "invite" me on the family reunion she's planned and that starts in 10 days (not mentioning that she and my siblings have known for months and they're all flying out together on the same day, same flights), I tell her I need to check my schedule because it's such short notice. The next day, I email her, "Thank you for inviting me on the family vacation yesterday. It sounds like a lot of fun. I need a couple of weeks' notice, or more, to be able to arrange the time off, so I'm unable to join you this time, unfortunately. Thank you again for thinking of me." I put every boundary statement like this in writing, without exception, because Mom is 100% committed to not hearing or caring about anything I say. I put it in writing so that the next time she "forgets" and swears she had no idea this ever happened before, I can simply forward the many times she's been told, in writing, to her. The irony that one of her complaints about me has always been that I'm "not a good communicator" is totally lost on her. c) when she reacts to being told "No", politely and without judgment, I just literally repeat, as often as it takes, the same dry, emotionless words I wrote in the email. She'll criticize my memory ("I'm sure I mentioned the vacation to you months ago. If not, it's because you never call or come by"), my personal commitment to the family ("You probably have something planned with your in-laws"), my career/job ("You're so hard to get in touch with"), everything about me. It's like popping a zit: everything she would normally say behind my back to others, or make snarky, passive-aggressive comments about if I actually went on the vacation just comes spewing out in the open because I'm not playing the shame game. What she doesn't do is apologize or accept responsibility for her intentional cruelty. The effect on her of me not defending myself and simply repeating "I can't plan a week off with less than a months' notice" is very, very revealing, because she can't go anywhere with it. It's not a lie, it's not personal, it's not emotional for me (practice giving zero emotion, like you're making a dental appointment), it's not providing her personal information about me except what I won't accept anymore, and it's not changing. She spirals around and around, until eventually, she starts explaining and justifying herself, just like I used to feel I needed to do for her. The difference is, the justification she gives involves pointing out how whatever she's struggling with is my fault. Best of luck to you as you decide how much of your time that you could spend reading, dancing, swimming, laughing, movie-going, creating, sleeping, etc. you're willing to keep donating to your mom's game. It's possible to just stop participating, but it requires you to make some very firm commitments to yourself first.

Hugs. I really feel this. I still hear my mother's awful, negative and critical voice in my head but she's getting quieter. Something I'm doing now is changing my name as a way to separate myself from the child who that voice is talking to and stepping into my adult "self" of a new name (not given to me by my disgusting mother but given to me by me) and trying to sever that connection. It is taking years and really, really hard work but it's now really starting to show that it's worth it.

I personally refuse to spend any time with a person like this, even if they're family. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to put up with that. He could live another 10 years as far as you know, do you really want all that time wasted being insulted by someone who is supposed to love you?

@@ptanyuh excellent point. I just look down on him knowing he has low self worth . He is planning on moving in Feb . He is saying no one likes him. Ha. I wonder why?

@@drleo6409 Right?? My mother is very lucky that my dad puts up with her, but one day she'll be alone like this because my dad is 10 yrs older than her. I'm sorry to have said it so harshly (these videos bring out the anger and resentment in me so I need to limit my exposure) and it saddens me to see empathetic people like ourselves being treated like this by people that we were told "love" us. The one line that always gets to me is, "...the face only a mother can love"---so what does that say about MY face when even my own mother doesn't love me??? This is why I am in the process of changing my name and creating a whole new identity that I choose for myself--I no longer want to have any connection to my mother's daughter. I'm 44 and it has been a long road. Huge hugs to you from Newfoundland

@@ptanyuh Good you are making changes! Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Life is too short to waste time staying in toxic relationships. People who remain with negative people regret it.

Jeanine Edler I love your enthusiasm and know exactly want you mean about going blank, or I tend to say the wrong thing, especially when the person is in a position of authority, then think of something suitable later on! I'm aware that it's an extremely common issue though. It helps to pause and take deep breaths, yet I don't even think of that, or there isn't enough time. It seems like it's best if I stick to having short conversations with shop assistants and baristas etc, instead of having friends, let alone another partner, unless I can meet healthier people than in the past, which will probably take a bit of getting used to. ❤

My ex used to do this. And one day, when he went into his room to pout, I literally picked up my bag and the cat and left and never looked back. I know it's hard, it's really hard, but nothing good can come from a person like this. Your idea of who you hoped they are is unfortunately a fantasy :( I've spent 44 years thinking, "Maybe one day my mother will love me" and I'm just now starting to realize that it will never, ever, ever happen. It's really sad, and I"m grieving, but it's better than being treated this way. Hugs to you.

Wow I love this reply..thanks..most often than not pple hide their believe....love u dear...

@@priscillaadzoh-mensah9532 As they should, imo. You may as well quote Harry Potter because it's just as likely to be true. Keep this crap to yourself. I don't go around quoting my favourite author all the time because most people would think it was annoying. It's called consideration.

Then you must keep working on yourself until you are no longer timid to have this conversation with her...or at least until you no longer care to have the conversation because you already know she won't receive it.

I feel that way about my mother but I've come to realize that it will NEVER, EVER, EVER happen. I may as well wish that the sun would blow up because it's just as likely to happen. It really hurts that my mother will never love me, but I have no choice but to move on with my life because the only other choice is to live in misery.

You say tomato I say tomato

Lol, hi Kurt!!

Your healing is their death... Even with parents and their children. It's so sad.

Nvm I miss understood the video. Got it