Is Giving Money To My Siblings Enabling Them? 

About 10 years ago my brother asked for 1k. I asked him what it was for... he said he wanted to use it to gamble as he wanted to become a "professional gambler" I said no but if you need food or a ride to a job interview just ask. He hasn't talked to me since.

“If you have the guts to ask me for money, I have the guts to tell you how to use it”. - Dave Ramsey

IMO - My narcissistic adult sibling was always cruel to me, and then ignored me for years. He has a terminal disease, and recently requested money to pay his bills. He mismanaged money his entire life. In fact my parents went broke supporting him. I feel compassion for his condition, but I won't do it.

I wish they would have added, "And if you give money, be in agreement with your wife." She has a say. My parents almost divorced because of giving money to family members without the other knowing or agreeing.

The problem sometimes is that you need to know WHY someone needs help. "I can't make rent" isn't enough. WHY can't they make rent is the question. I hate to think this way sometimes, but you also have to ensure they aren't using their "need" as a means to subsidize the bad behavior. Even if you buy them food or something, that still offsets their expenses to a point where it frees up their own money to spend badly.

My narcissistic mother and my wonderful stepfather took ownership of the company. My stepfather worked for hvac. My older brother worked often on since he was a little boy going to work with the stepdad. my brother never went to school for his licensing hvac, but eventually I came along and went to licensing making more money than he made. I felt bad and taught him everything. I knew in the books to get him to pass that test and he did. I became a journeyman and started training them in. as a female, it is rare to be an HVAC journeyman in residential retrofit. Parents got to retirement age, and by that time they had already ran me out of the company. My brother was saying rude stuff to me and my mom acted like all my hard work was never anything to her. My parents retired and my mom gave the shop to my brother the secretary, that was there since her high school years that is now close to 50 years old. That was my first thought what the hell the Secretary was more her daughter than I was. Were the same age and my mom takes trips to Vegas with this lady. I'm one minute, but I'm appears of shit the next. Depends on if I'm kissing her butt or not. I learned it's narcissistic behavior as the reason why my siblings and I are like this. My brother still has no license to drive around and now he's running the company to the ground because he's home by noon. He's making enough money for his pocket. His son drives him around as the employee, but doesn't know the trade enough to Pitchin if something happens. My mom gave my brother the company about three years ago and I remembered they treated me so horribly for asking why they excluded me and they just made my heartbreak. I realize that none of my family is trustworthy and very toxic. I know this has nothing to do with me, but it's still shoves a dagger in my heart. I'm used to the daggers so I can take it. My brother called me this morning because he knows that I am jobless at the moment. I moved to the RV industry as a technician but four years later, lost my job. My brother had the nerve to just asked me to come fill in for his his son driving him around to jobs when his son is out on vacation.😂 they seem to have forgot how they treated me but no worries. I remember very clear. I told my brother yeah sure I'll see and write it on the calendar, but I guarantee you this, I won't be doing it. They will remember how valuable I was to their team because now he gets to do the work all by himself regardless if anybody is going to drive his butt around, so have fun, figuring all that out. my mom in the background instigating she's the narcissistic one that can't show her face now. Let me know if she needs me after She dogged me. What a bunch of vultures!!!! I'm 50 years old and I have a wonderful boy so these toxic people will be shoved into the background where I am safe. They are the only fool in their game. Wonder how it's gonna work out for them and I wish I could be a fly on the wall. It's not necessary for me to see any of it. The Lord has it under control. Release it to the Lord.

If someone needs money, they need to be taught how to use it. If they arent humble enough for guidance, they arent humble enough to ask for the help

I once bought a $20 Xbox live card for my younger half brother. He said he'd pay me back. When I asked for repayment he was an unbelievably rude punk. I've never gave him any money ever again. I'm an engineer and high earner, but the disrespect I'll never forget.

I always expect Zen advice from John, but tonight, it was Dave that spoke to a problem that arose for me just today. Dave said, "The version of you they create in their head is not your responsibility." I needed to hear that tonight in the worst way. Thank you, Dave.

I feel for the caller. I stopped giving to family and became the "bad guy". The caller needs to be strong and not give them a dime. It will never be enough! Supporting them mentally to get a job and budget their money is what they need from him! Good advice Dave and Dr John.

His siblings are playing him. Who meets with someone knowing they don’t have the money to get back home? That’s manipulative. The honest thing to do would be to tell him they’d like to meet, but can’t afford the trip.where did they have to get home from? Another state, or the diner across town from their home?

This is tough. That sounds like my husband’s side of family. We are doing excellent but not my husband’s 2 brothers. My husband is the baby at 52. Their parents died when they were young. They think cause we have more than them that we should give them money. Only one of them ask but it’s bothering me cause I get up every day to go to work and why should I constantly give my hard earned money to someone who didn’t save. I don’t mind once or twice but every month is ridiculous

"Help" is not funding someone's delusions or craziness.

As an adopted child his interaction with his siblings is one of the reasons I’ve never had a desire to connect with my biological family. It’s crass to say but my birth mother had me when she was 14-15 years old and I was born into a crack household before I was taken by DHS. I was blessed ridiculously that an attorney colleague of my dads brought up the issue of me being taken from my birth mother and my dad immediately felt a need to intervene and I was adopted by my family. And that drastically changed the navigation of my life as instead of growing up to an extremely young mother in a drug home I was raised by an upper middle class family and given all the privilege that comes with that. But I’ve never desired to contact my biological family largely because my family is my family and I’ve never had the desire to muddy those waters. But I’ve also hesitated thinking that connecting with possibke siblings who grew up in that environment likely are going to be in bad places and may feel the need to seek support from my wife and I who are in a healthy situation. That’s certainly selfish of me but it’s always been a small nagging feeling whenever the topic has been broached by people when they learn of my adoption.

If they turn down your terms of getting your money, then they were just Using You.

I like the party differentiating GIVING from HELPING.

THANK YOU, DAVE RAMSEY! People NEED to hear this. "Helping people" but they're NOT BETTER from where they were before, you really have not helped them at all. BECAUSE THEY DID NOT LIFT A FINGER TO HELP THEMSELVES!

Giving money is ok if you have the money and both agree, as long as it isn't constant. They need to fix their problems themselves.

There's no issue with giving, but if you help them and they don't improve it didn't really help them..... you can help them once to get them out of a hole, but they shouldn't be coming to you like an atm

Thank you so much for the honest answers to this question.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime.

I ❤ how Dave, keeps it real!

I think if his sister is disabled and cannot make it every month on the small disability check she gets every month, that might be different, because if she wasn't disabled, she would be able to get a job, and she obviously can't do that if she is seriously disabled. You're actually helping someone to have a better life in a case like that. I have a friend who is physically disabled, and it seems like there is no cure in sight...if anything her physical state, especially lately, has gotten way worse. Helping her to have some of the things she needs is helping her to have a better life than she would have if no one helped her.

Most definitely agree with the comments and suggestions.

I have lended money 3 times to 3 different family members. They all promised they would pay it back. Only one did. Since then, I promised myself never to lend them money anymore. My brother recently asked me to lend him money again. I lied and said I couldn't. I feel good about my decision and so does my wife.

Depends on how the family member is behaving. Don't hand money to an alcoholic, gambler or drug abuser.

Great insight Doc John.

Dave Ramsey, most efficiently, distills the situation, to an unambiguous answer, he is an amazing guy Dave Ramsey

Should have never found out who your biological siblings were.

Very helpful!

Great piece of advice!

How does your wife feel? I wouldn't be cool with helping able bodied adults. The disabled sister I understand but I would manage the money, not give it to make sure it's handled for what it was intended. We help his disabled mother but the adult kids really siphon off of her and it's aggravating. They're younger and stronger than us!

Given your age an assets, I don't think you are doing well as well as you think. You seem to be on the track right track but you are not really in a position to support your entire extended family. You're siblings are also manipulating you.

That’s real stuff right there

Aside from the disabled sister, is there any reason the other siblings can't emulate/be as successful as the caller?

Give money don't loan

Give them a boost once, everyone needs a boost to start

I don’t understand cultures or families that cannibalize their young financially and I don’t want to.

Not necessarily. If you put some stipulations around it, then maybe you can keep from enabling them.

I give my two siblings money every month and they are the most hard working people ever. I'd rather give then and support them more than anyone. But I'm not married and I don't have kids.

I have a friend, every other week she was borrowing money, I was getting headaches, I told her if she wanted to stay my friend, that I can't keep lending her money, I am retired and on a fixed income and she is married, so she went and got a partime job ,Thank you Jesus

I'm done giving siblings money or anything for that matter. They took the money, never ever offered me money when I was needy. I'd do that only for my own kids. They'll use silent treatment as a way to punish me, I don't car anymore.

The qu. is: will it be a hand UP or a Hand out......

Yes.

Imagine if "disability" payments weren't a thing. Would these people just die or figure their life out?

If someone is in a bad financial situation, they made at least a dozen bad decisions that lead them there.

there is an important part missing in that advice. That is, actually listen, and engage emotionally. I am not sure the caller needed to here that. He might be an empathetic person. But the listeners did.

"I'm gonna teach you to fish."

You are from Oregon. What else do you expect.

My sister ghosted me for 2 years knowing I was about to have a baby while she had a 3rd child 8 mths after me. My mom just shows up to her place. She texts me saying sorry, she doesnt know why she pushes me away. Nothing more than 3 to 4 coversations if you can call them that via text. One that was a 22min conversation. But a total of 1 hour of communication and she is asking to borrow money to deposit something that she would give right back.

As long as they pay it back, that’s all that matters.

My guess is that there is substance abuse involved. Perhaps talk to them about that first.

His wife?😂😂😂

Help the disabled family member.

Had a friend of 40 year ask to borrow 8k, ( keep in mind he borrowed 2k and payed me back in 90 day ) 9 mths later after repaying the 2k he wanted to borrow 8k, 12 mths behind on his mortgage

I helped my siblings a lot more than this guy did.. Here it is 1> Gave 50K to my elder brother to buy a house 2> Gave 50K to my elder sister to build her house 3> Gave another sister 70K to start her business 4> Gave my mom over 200K as she is literally broke.. Would die of starvation if I dont support her. And still they look for more help, So now, I have made Dave's plan, I have asked my mom to put 50K as their emergency fund ( but not tell em ) and only give when I am sure they must have. So in a way, giving away is good part, but enabling is bad. I have set and have been setting my % of income for em every year and they are such a failure I feel bad about em.

304 ruined families

Check out the books REAL LOVE BY GREG BAER! Dave and John and anyone else who wants to that reads this. Book will change your life

Does Dave ever answer questions posted here?

I see what he means when he says his culture is different. Its a very modern American view to keep all your money, kids not financially helping their parents, parents financially cutting off their kids ect (not that I disagree with that). You hear a lot of immigrants say they "send money back home". Almost always. Other cultures have the kids, parents and grandparents all live under one roof, or grandparents living very close by. They're very close knit. American culture leans towards kicking your children out when they're 18, moving away from grandparents, putting the elderly in "homes" and never asking for or discussing the finances of other family members. There are upsides and downsides to both

She gone enable her way out of retirement

Too many babies. Adopt.

Hopefully not

I notice after reading a lot of comments and listening to the video, no one has mentioned the disabled sister. Why? And why is she disabled? Coming from somebody who is disabled and whose family has seen her as a loser from way back, I ask. I ended up homeless because where does one go on $600 a month? I wasn't a drinker and I didn't do drugs I had medical issues and my family notoriously rolled their eyes all the freaking time. I had one sister who was very well off who had three empty bedrooms in her paid for home. I never asked her for a place to live but she knew I needed one. Her and her husband also worked and she worked under the table and didn't pay taxes for over 20 years. If there's drinking or drugs involved and no accountability on how the money is spent either you teach them how to use what they have or you don't do anything. But there seems to be a lot of answers lacking to the questions we don't know about. I'm not saying to help everybody I'm saying it's not a one-size-fits-all and there's a lot of details that need to be gone into.

For anyone including Ramsey show what can I do to get out of this house I'm 18 and my mom won't give me my bank account, I don't have a ride I've asked so many people I have money but I unsure how much andim afraid it's being taken I also having a hard time getting my birth certificate because she hides it so I can't get money etc

👍💯👏💣💥

Help your sibling, the American culture is so individualistic 🤦‍♀️

I have always told our daughter if Mommy and Daddy are paying the bills, Mommy and Daddy OWN you. Epilogue" She pays her OWN BILLS.

My sister since we were kids would always get in trouble. She would want to do questionable things and I would tell her mom is going to get mad. I'm 31 now and my sister is 32. In grade school she was embarrassed to be around me and every morning she would look at herself in the mirror then look at me and laugh at me because she thought she looked better than me.(side note, she would steal my allowance as a kid)My mom passed from cancer 01/01/2014, my dad moved to Arizona with my brother, and my sister and I stayed in California; at that time I was 22 and she 23. I ended up in Chinatown Salinas (I was NOT on drugs) eventually I got out of that situation and started doing better. My brother was going through a divorce and he asked for $1000. I gave it to him, but after months him not giving me any money I knew it was never going to happen. My sister as an adult likes to party, drink and drive,her car would get towed and she would be in and out of jail, she would do drugs, use guys for whatever she needed at the time. Everytime i get her car out I would have to jump through hoops. She needed car cause she was homeless. NOW she got her car repo because she wanted to buy shit she didn't need and not pay her bills. She is now on Meth. I got her a storage unit because she was going to lose her existing one. I organized everything to put in her new unit. The last day i saw her was when i was moving her stuff in her new unit. She through her coffee at me because I couldn't take it anymore with her selfishness and told her she was a drug addict and she is in the situation she is in because of her own bad choices. She told me im supposed to help her because we are blood. A few days after that bullshit my brother texted me by sending me a link to send him money. I asked him what link did he send me and he said, "oh its nothing." So I told him everything that happened with our sister. My brother said im sorry your going through that and then asked me to send $20 or he is going to lose his car. I have told him and my sister multiple times I am on unemployment. I told him i don't have it (I did have money) and he said, "Have a good life you will never hear from me again." Hes been calling and texting and I don't respond anymore. My dad, brother, and sister are all three homeless because they all made bad decisions and wasted their time and money. No one is coming to my wedding. I'm done with my family.

😎👌✌👍🖖🤓

20th comment

It's called loving them. Something David doesn't know anything about because of his cold, dead heart.