I had it at... I don't remember not having it. I grew up with no confidence, no sense to stand up for myself, and I exhausted every part of me, intentionally destroying myself, to please the other party. To prove that I was useful. I thought if I got sick or almost died, they'd see me. If I died for them they'd remember me. Or sometimes I thought they'd cry for a bit and live on with their lives. If I was praised I'd say to myself. You are important for now so enjoy it. I never expected attention or love or praise and to be honest I didn't care if it was given most of the time. But sometimes I craved for it and blamed myself to why I never got it in the first place. That is my childhood. Not bad or good. Just. A childhood? I don't know. I don't like dwelling on the question anymore.
That is what i am experiencing now. But we got to be strong and learn how to stop feeling this. Sometimes we gotta realize what negative emotions we feel now and gently let it go. We are strong and we cant let our emotions get the best of us.
Recent studies show the biggest influences to develop disorders like borderline personality disorder are caused by external factors. Genetics have a minor influence about this. In general people with BPD feel emotionally neglected and their destructive behaviour pattern refer to that. It could be the neglection is hardly visible for outsiders. It doesn't have to be caused by parents or other close relatives and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. It can be anything, but something must have happened to develop the feeling "I am inferior and people won't like as I am now". In the example shown in the video it is assumed the boy behaves like that because he has not learned to behave in a problem solving and constructive way. If such behaviour really refers to borderline in development than the behaviour is caused by a feeling of powerlessness. The boy already knows how to behave correctly, however he experiences people are not responding to him. He also notices when other children behave the same, they however get the attention he doesn't get. So he develops the thought: "When I do exactly the same like any other I will be ignored. So that means there's something wrong with me. I don't know exactly what it is, because people don't tell me what I am doing wrong. That probably means I am too dumb or too unlikable." The dramatic and destructive behaviour is the result. Because someone with BPD learns that probably is the only way to get the attention he needs so badly. He also learns people react in a negative way to the behaviour, which confirms the belief he is an inferior person. However negative attention is always better than no attention at all. The majority of people with BPD have thought countless of times why it always goes wrong and what they should do to change their life for the better. In majority people with BPD are creative, intelligent and know very well how to think in a problem solving way. The reason they don't manage to solve their own problems is because they are too affraid to be confronted by their emotions. Their destructive behaviour is mainly meant to avoid the confrontation of the pain which is so extremely hurtful.
