1) "Be aware of your emotions but never make a decision in the height of your emotions." + Acknowledging that there is a version of yourself that can return to a calmer, more emotionally regulated place. 2) Recognize your attachment wound for what it is. Nothing deeply wrong with you. Knowing you are capable of connecting with people. Knowing you're not a bad person for the bad behavior in relationships at times. "I can be trusted. You can be trusted. I'm okay. You're okay." 3) No fear/triggering when others express emotional vulnerability.
A a fearful /disorganized avoidant I’ve learned to “slow dating” and to try to pause or wait…it is best for me especially when I am feeling unsure or unworthy etc. In the past I may have jumped into situations or relationships and then felt trapped or even super anxious (if partner was dismissive avoidant) which then manifested in shame and frustration.
I've had therapy, watched 3 years worth of utube videos, listened to trauma podcasts, etc. Anything to "find myself" or figure out "what's wrong with me" I am fearful-avoidant and was with an anxious avoidant for 15 years then jumped into a 3 year dismissive avoidant relationship. This turned my world upside down! I felt I emotionally hit bottom. Finding your videos....has helped me. Saved me. I am officially dating myself. I am for once in a long time.. whole.
I am happy for you! :) But for a while I thought too that I became secure during my healing journey. I was way better in managing emotions and the health of non-romantic relationships, however those did not really reach that deep emotional intimacy level so my fearful avoidant pendulum didnt start to swing between my Avoidant and ANxious sides. it went dormant. Well, when I got into one, it started again. Sadly i was not aware of it 1st, but after the breakup I knew what happened to me. I returned to my patterning. My advice as a random commenter, just be mindful about it. See the early signs and trust yourself! I know now, that's what im doing...
This video is literally life changing for me. I never knew WHY i git triggered by vulnerability of others. I get reeeally weirded and grossed out by it in some situations. Also, explaininh that i am actually capable of love and not flawed is a game changer. I always believed i was just not capable of it in romantic relationships. I never understood myself at all. Suddenly getting super insecure or super cold and distant in relationships...i really really started hating myself because i didnt want to be that way. But that's not me, thats the attachment issue. It isn't ME. 😭🙏
This or BPD. Sorry for putting it like this, but you better check with a specialist. This still won’t be YOU tho. We, trauma survivors, hear you, we are with you and you are doing great❤
I also thought for the longest time I'm not capable of love or having a relationship, but now I've started to learn more about my attachment style and how to heal from it. It's so comforting to know you yourself are not always the way you react (which doesn't take away the responsibility, but helps you realize you can change your reactions)
Just starting this and have to say: I LOVE that you go deep and get expansive. And I HATE the more soundbyte kind of information that is slapping you in the face literally everywhere you look and don't look. So the first minute of this video actually breaks my heart. I know succinct is not always superficial - but it sure risks it. And it kind of precludes taking people along for the riff and the ride - which I feel you absolutely shine at for me. I draw SO much out of it. I mean, some people want only the Cliff Notes and punch lines... but, honestly, they get catered to up the wazoo. We are losing the capacity to think through entire problems or systems and are all about the quick fix. I mean - if you want to speak to both, maybe start your video by saying: this is the topic, these seem to be the take-home points and conclusions - and this is how I got there if you want to join me for the scenic tour. I don't want to miss out on ANY of your thoughts or meanderings. None of them.
This comment made me happy to read! I am a very long-winded person by nature (and appreciate long-winded explanations myself) so I love hearing that it is appreciated ❤️ Thank you for expressing that! And also - don't worry! I have no intention of becoming short and punchy in my style overall - I am only trying to keep things concise this week because I am having a particularly busy week but still want to stick to an upload schedule! I'll be back at it with the lengthier videos soon 😁
I am really enjoying you sharing insights on avoidant attachment (having this myself). However i found this very hard to follow, especially the preamble (was all info necessary?) and the speed. I feel you have something very valuable to share.
I’m noticing more when I don’t trust myself when I make a decision. I also realize I am very Critical of others and myself. I’m learning to understand everyone can be who they want to be.
Recognizing when i am having an emotional experience and expressing it in an appropriate way. In the past, I would bottle things up, or rationalize the scenario but never acknowledge that i was affected by said action. I am now able to recognize the emotional state and clearly express it in a appropriate manner where both parties are able to have their needs met. I no longer blow up and/or cut and run. I can observe when i am activated and take a time out. I am now at a place where i can tame the urge to react, create space, and revisit when i am emotionally stable. Thank you for the content you are creating. Your videos are providing tools and insight for me to reprogram and tap into my full potential.
The way you speak about attachment has resonated with me so much more than anyone else on RU-vid. I’ve found myself often thinking, “this is not at all specific. I feel like anyone could relate to any of these. This is basically astrology.” But your descriptions have me furiously nodding my head during my commute because you speak to the depth of the experience. Thank you!!!!
When our style becomes our "beliefs", it's more difficult to heal. At this point I actually believe being self-reliant is a sign of Sovereignty, so when I see others playing the victim, I'm really turned off. I can consciously realize that everyone is allowed their own way of being, but right now I still "believe" it's better to be more aware that your life is your responsibility and not to blame others. I've got rewiring to do.
I usssed to be someone who gets so easily affected by other people's feelings and somehow, I owned that feeling, it's as if I have to do something about it but the truth... I don't have too because it's not me who is required to regulate that feeling. I'm so grateful to feel validated.. been thinking of this for a long time. It's okay for me to detach. Thank u Heidi 💝💝
I needed this! I had come back to this because it made me so uncomfortable lol but, I was very anxious at one point. Now I’m not anxious, I’m fearful and avoidant and it’s hard because I want to be the best mom. When I. Am with my daughter I fight through it. I’ll do anything to be able to comfort het. But, I don’t want to fight through it. I want to heal. So I can make a lasting connection with her and I know my childhood isn’t her fault and I won’t let it be. Anyway, thank you
This was very validating and encouraging 😁❤️ I find personifying the two different attachment patterns in my mind and letting them have their say without fearing/rejecting them to be helpful. I guess that ties into being able to recognize them as strategies instead of who you are, but it's really cool to be able to place yourself in the observer position and watch it play out inside of you. You still absolutely feel all the emotions that come with being triggered, but you don't get lost in them. Also, being able to recognize that you're triggered in the moment, communicate it to the person you're talking to and ask for however much time you need to self-regulate. More often than not, the realization comes afterwards. So, being able to do it in real-time every now and again is pretty awesome.
Thank you so, so much for this! You have explained this better than anyone else. Holy crap!! THE VALIDATION!!! Your gift to the world is so powerful. I’m saving this video so I can listen to it over & over again. This is THE priority in my life right now. I’m about to join a Being Your Own Loving Parent support group & your videos encouraged me to seek it out. This is majorly encouraging. Thank you.
I find these immensely useful as someone not yet in “stage 2 or 3” because it gives me a guideline for what to do now that I’m trying to take this attachment style and myself seriously. You clearly state the behaviors before and then what’s being done as an improvement, along with an end goal, which is amazing as I don’t ever hear what to do about how I’m feeling. It’s usually just me knowing I am this way, kinda reasoning that it boils down to my personality, and then criticizing myself for being that way. Love this, definitely keeping these pointers in mind so I can eventually say I’m in the process of effectively healing :) thank you!
I am glad that you made longer videos again bc they are way more slow and easier for me to understand! And I just love hearing all the detailed descriptions you have to offer! I know you are probably never gonna read this since this video is already old but whatever :)
Thank you for making this video. What you said with point 2 really hit me. ‘It is not necessarily the reaction I would choose’. That made me cry a bit and release the struggle that I have been having. Because I can see my reaction and I recently have been aware of how it (negatively) impacts others. And that pains me. I wouldn’t choose this if I could. And knowing that I would not choose this reaction but it is mere conditioning from the past really sooths me!
"You are now able to differentiate between your trauma/pattern and your sense of self. That goes a long way in your healing journey" "Realize that there is a calmer you behind the pattern behavior" 4:00
A friend suggested that this might be my style and recommended your videos. It’s been a real revelation because I feel like everything from childhood circumstances to behaviors long and short-term genuinely have fit to a tee. Thank you so much Heidi for shedding light on and skillfully articulating this information. I can’t be the only person who no longer feels just somehow defective or broken anymore and it’s just given so much hope and things to look forward to. Much ❤
This is gold! We need more of this content! We struggle to change when we only get a few vague or “meme-y” bullet point that feel like “aha” moments, producing a lot of dopamine and feelings of elation, but then doesn’t actually help dig out the roots of the dysfunction or model real-world change. Please, Do NOT try to cut down on your words simply because of people’s waning attention span and RU-vid algorithms. Your words, plus all the details and how they interact to form an experience, are important. We need these descriptions not as an overview, but to arrive in our consciousness as intimately and detailed as we are in our own minds, as detailed as our emotions and internal dialogue is, because that’s how we experience it. The human brain works on contrast, right? We only know pain in comparison to peace, hot in comparison to cold, up in comparison to down. We need both the dysfunctional model in detail as well as a functional model in detail, so that we can examine both and finally have the choice of which one to practice. It is then that we can heal lighting-fast. For this reason, I’ve been working on producing “maps” of the landscape of personal growth, tying together psychological models with neuroscience and descriptions of experience with feelings and thoughts, and what not to do as well as what to do. I’ve spent 30 years studying neuroscience, trauma healing, psychology, etc, as well as healing myself. What I’ve seen is that most people don’t heal until they either hear a million things they relate to (which are semantic needles in a haystack), plus they experience new things (which takes time and the opportunity), OR … they get a full picture of the dysfunctional model that empowers them to track down their own wounds, as well as a functional model to compare it to, and for the first time in their life they see clearly that there is an option, and can exercise choice, allowing the PFC enough data to create enough dopamine and new neural connections to override trigger-state much faster. We need these full mental models to be able to understand the depth and breadth of the dysfunction and all its attached beliefs and behaviors and cultural threads. I’d love to hear you go on for hours because your many words are helpful to fill in the blanks!
For a long time I thought I was anxiously attached, but I understand now that I'm disorganized. This video resonated so much with me and reaffirmed that this is in fact a more accurate description of my attachment style. Thank you Heidi for these resources
Ditto to what was said above. Please don’t feel compelled to give in to short attention span virus and soundbiteitis! I’ve studied psychology/attachment for years (unofficial degree) and you organize and deliver info in a unique way that simply works (and thus, helps)! Many major lasting ahas. You also provide full mental meals, not just snacks. (That said, this snack was super nutritious.) My ahas: not so much FA as previously thought, but my external critic (Resentment projected as judgement, oh my! 😮) is on fire trying to enforce some weird toddler rules. Thanks a mill and please keep on, at whatever length feels right to your inner genius.
Super-helpful, thank you. And for me the 3rd rationale is not as you describe. As a fearful-avoidant I was just recently triggered in my wanting to run. Not because I could not tolerate the other to express what I cannot, but because of an intense sense of responsibility for the other's vulnerability. My inner child is very worried that she will be unequipped and overwhelmed to support them, and possibly even trigger or harm them while they are low.
I just watched this one and another one of your avoidant videos, as I am healing this pattern within myself and I wrote so many notes! The biggest “aha” for me was that I often feel disgusted when my partner (in my most conscious relationship yet) shows me too much affection or acts like a baby & this is probably b/c those behaviors were rejected by my parents early on! Thank you for all your insight! 🤎🤎
Observed the same in my r‘ships. Probably also has to do with this behaviour pushing me into the caretaker „grownup“ role that i had to fulfil as a child for my anxious/avoidant parents.
Thank you for keeping this video short and pithy. As an introvert (INFJ), I appreciate the ENFP idea generating gift very much, but when I'm hurting and need help, I need to hear only the essential message. As a 71 year old fearful avoidant, you have given me hope, and a skill set, and most of all a compassion and understanding that my behaviors are not who I essentially am. Such a relief. Much respect for you.
So this sounds like: If you first experienced secure style in childhood and then had some trauma, it seems possible styles can change to insecure ones or the other way round: First having insecure style and then healing. It depends on the self learning, being aware, communicating, regulating plus it depends on the patience, compassion, strengths and understanding of people you are with. Its interesting to see that some results of the attatchmentstyle-tests are displayed in the different percentages of those styles. In some cases not too much accurate, but nice making people think about themselves, not that much about the result, but because selfawareness is better key. Thanks much for going deep, very insightful, this might help also understanding some behavior of family members as well for people who had traumatic experiences.
I'm in enneagram 2 with a fearful avoidant attachment style.... And damn it's tough. It's definitely a lot tougher now with being sober (3 years) as I can't just "drink the feelings away". I know now after a LONG time of being "numb" that I NEED to feel these feelings and process them. After watching this video (and some confirmation from my therapist) I am started to heal. Sign #1 is recognizing the feelings/patterns and yup I can now see that. Sign #2 and #3 are getting there which again, baby steps.
I absolutely love this video! So glad that I found your channel! I wrote so much down. My favorite thing you mentioned was that the dysregulated/disorganized state and reactions are NOT who you are. And the bit you said about detaching identity from reaction patterns. I really needed to hear that! I am working hard in my relationships and in therapy and I can’t wait to watch more of your videos 💕
I've watched this like 5 times through my healing process. Everytime I watched this video before today it was used as a benchmark. Today I watch this video and go "Wow, I'm starting to show the signs! The signs are everywhere!". Okay maybe not the last part but I'm excited for my healing.
You packed a helluva lot into this vid. Lots of good stuff. Thank you. I've just recently learned about these attachments styles. Pretty sure I'm Fearful-Avoidant. No progress report yet but I know what I need to look out for.
Phenomenal, thank you!! Was so nice as you were explaining #1 and I was able to say..yep, yep, yep.. throughout! One of the best topics ever for FA's! Gives hope and encouragement to be able to know what progress looks like!!🤗🤗💖
Thank you so much for the information on your channel. You communicate so well!! Your category of ‘I’m not okay, you are not okay’ is a great reminder to go back to books I read some 15 years ago: ‘I’m okay, You’re okay’ as well as ‘Staying ok’ by Harris and Harris. They were useful then and I believe now🙏🏻💛💫
Very helpful! I thought the length of this was perfect. Not too long and not too short. Able to. Go in depth but not so much that my mind wandered! Love it!
Firstly, I love your longer 30-min. videos! I adore the deep dives andI play them as I’m getting ready in the morning. Secondly, your point about being deeply triggered by people displaying emotional vulnerability..i’m not one to do so, but I once was triggered by a higher up at work when he shared a vulnerability that I identified so closely with, it felt overwhelming and I shut down the conversation. I’ve never responded like that to a situation when someone’s being vulnerable with me. Ask anyone that knows me and they’ll say my strong suit is being an empath. Ironically, I was attracted to this person. I’ve learned my avoidant side comes out when I’m at the verge of caring Too Much in professional work relationships… Please keep making insightful videos like these! Tbh I don’t care it they’re 10-min or 30. I’m here for it.
Your brain amazes me! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. It's strange that I just found your channel a week ago, but I guess we truly find what we need exactly when we need it. I'm 62 and just now really working through all this but it's happening pretty quickly and your unbelievably organized explanations are helping me immensely.
Circle of security reframes the resentment projection model "im not allowed so youre not allowed" to a protection model - ie im protecting "us" from the pain and rejection i felt as a child. It's more empathic than you hurt me i hurt you. It's "lets both stay away from this painful way of being (that is actually perfectly safe)". Yay transactional analysis! I have the book I'm ok you're ok but haven't read it yet...but am aware of the model through COS intervention.
Great video, thanks for the great content! The underlying problem you highlight in your #3 here, wow, that's been me for as far back as I can remember (I genuinely thought this was just a me thing, I've never encountered anyone who understood that side of me before, it's strange to see someone talking about an aspect of myself that seems so unique to me, as if it's totally normal and commonplace for people of a certain type of attachment style). But for me it's not just for feelings of vulnerability, but for most feelings in general. When I'm around people and they're not all maintaining an emotionally neutral state, or somewhere close to it, and their also not attempting to avoid veering far from neutral, then I'm on edge and waiting to go into flight or freeze mode (which is why I've mostly chosen to avoid being around other people as much as possible, because it's an exhausting state to be in). I've had Alexithymia (I'm totally blind to my own emotions) for as long as I can remember, and it seems to make sense to me now that these two things are linked, maybe the attachment style caused it (altho it could just be that I was born w/ it, I can't necessarily rule that out). I've been working on quieting that outer critic, trying to become ok w/ others having/expressing feelings around me, and have made some progress there, but it still seems I have a long way to go. It seems like I've split the problem in two, and worked on one half of it; I've convinced myself intellectually that it's ok for others to have and express emotions, but on the values side I'm still judging them harshly (because I see it as bad/wrong/weak for them to not have better control of themselves). I'm open to any tips anyone might have for working on the values side of it.
I get so much from your videos! I love the long ones and learned a lot about myself! I like the shorter ones too- I can take written notes a lot easier! Lol Thank you for sharing this information!
I love your long videos and explanations though. Attachment styles have become a special interest of mine and I love learning about all the details and intricacies
Heidi I am grateful to you for choosing to learn these topics and be a therapist! Thank you truly for breaking it down even when you are being brief. Im the type of person who analyzes her analaysis of her analysis lol and I need logical explanations and clarifications about the whys of my brain and heart and the consequences of it all. I am practically binging your videos and I am learning, absorbing and noticing so much about my thought patterns and behaviour. I truly hope I can repair all the destructive programming and actually show up in the world as my true real self as oppose to a twitchy version of my parents/the world desired version of me!
Hi there! Love your videos! I have been an avoidant attachment style my entire life. I’m now in my 40’s with so many failed previous relationships. I’ve recently began a relationship with a man I’ve known for many many years. He’s asked me many times to just “let him in” or “lower my walls for him” and I have slowly allowed myself to become more and more intimate with him and we’re building what so far feels like a great trusting relationship. This man as I said we’ve known each other for years, through previous relationships on both sides. So I know what he’s been through and he knows what I have as well. But my concern is, now that I’ve opened up to him and let him in, I feel like I’ve now formed an anxious attachment to him. To where I don’t want him to ever leave. I can’t see myself without him. And it’s making me wonder if I’m just swapping one negative attachment for a new one. And it makes me pull back some days. And he will notice and call me out on it. But is this normal? How do I go from this to a stable trusting, relaxed attachment to a man. One who I don’t have children with, who I have zero plans to have children with. One who once the relationship ends there’s nothing tying us together so it would be a true breakup and move on. And how do I trust myself to know that when that happens I’ll be ok to handle it appropriately…🤯🤯🤯❤
Thanks Heidi, So many helpful points. I found this to be very compassionate and am heartened that there's hope for healing, even at 63 years old. The explanation of the 'rules' set by my two year old self , gave me an explanation for behaviours of mine that I couldn't find any logic for. Keep up the great work.
1. This is my first time tuning in to your channel. You did amazing with covering a huge topic and all of its points in a brief amount of time. 2. I related to everything you covered. Confirmation that I am well on my way to healing. 3. You have a new sub:)
Most of the videos I’ve watched of hers are definitely not short, but she is just so well spoken that I honestly do not mind. I could listen to her lecture for hours and feel energized at the end.
I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, but I have always been comfortable with other people having feelings. I just don't like having them. It's definitely a good idea not to make decisions in that altered state. That's what I learned from this video.
I'm sorry you struggle with the same issue. However, I'm thankful to know I'm not alone. From my perspective, it's absolutely okay to feel jealous. I believe all emotions are neutral. I view jealousy as the Bat Signal from Batman. It's a signal to work on our fear of abandonment. I have gotten better at feeling my emotions with safe people in my inner circle, but I still need to work on doing it with others outside of it. I have a feeling you'll get there too. Sending hope and peace your way.
@@rosesofebony thank you for your message, I greatly appreciate your validation, yes I see my jealousy as a form of admiration and remind myself that it’s a message from my body to honour but doesn’t have to persist or overwhelm me, I love how you say it’s a Bat Signal, that’s a really succinct way to put it. I’m definitely working on my issues and am trying to show up more raw in my inner circle and others, it is a struggle but I feel hopeful having made it this far Thank you again for your kind words, I wish peace, love and joy for you too
I've just had a big breakthrough that pushed me into Stage 3 and this was very validating to hear. I'm proud of my progress and I'm proud of everyone else here who is working on their attachment issues!
Thank you so much for your video. It brings tears to my eyes. It's so helpful for me to understand the relationship I am in right now. I will keep learning.
after learning about intimacy scarcity from you and paying more attention to the feelings than the thoughts/logic when triggered my relationships & regulation dramatically improved
This is all really good. I came from a really good, stable family but am dyslexic and was painfully shy growing up so I had very low-self esteem from doing poorly in school. I was so shy and unsure of myself I got rejected probably 30 times in my 20's which really took a toll. However, I ended up doing really great with my career, came out of my shell and have had some really wonderful women really like me, but I had moved from fearful avoidant into avoidant and would reject anyone once I realized they really liked me as my feelings would just be gone only to return months later. I think I am really close to being secure now but I still have some of those old messages that pop up especially in early dating. Now I am much better, feel quite good about myself but can still get triggered. However, like you said I am better at not responding to anything until I calm down so I feel like I am getting really close now to where I need to be. At least I am aware now that if the feelings go away, it's likely a trauma response so I know I should stick with them and try to work through things to see if the feelings return.
I've never been able to tolerate when friends or partners whine or complain. Logically, I know its important to vent and a few times i do that too. But i hated that i used to get irritated and i hated that i would ever feel judgy about someone i love so deeply but this outer critic thing is making so much sense to me. I've never ever had the opportunity to complain growing up. Firstly, I had no clue how to articulate or even identify my feelings. But also there was no option for me to complain. I just had to repress the anger and move on. It really helps knowing that this is where the irritation comes from. I am able to look at my loved ones with so much more kindness now :) And also trying to actually complain more haha
It is sooo fascinating that I got into that topic, that you talk about! It is soooo fascinating because I find myself partly in the fearful avoidant attachment style. And I always thought, ok I just trust my intuition, when I feel soo good to finally break up and go my own way. I always felt so free and myself and thought, well I am free that makes so much sense, I love to be free and do what I want. But also I questioned myself, what is going on in my subconcious that I make exact these decisions now. And I thought, I just have no idea, something might be going on, but I just have nooo access but someday I might find out. And now I feel like I'm slowly finding that out. OMG. That's such a big thing, that there are theories to my experiences, not just my strange inner experience all the time that I'm confronted with and just trying to work with it in the quiet and thinking thats just who I am. Wow wow wow
That sounds a lot like what I thought. I was aware that I hold trauma, but I couldn't say which attachment style I was. In this video I recognized the "I am bad, others are bad" thing, and the disorienting feeling, not to know what to do. I usually tried to ignore that I felt very stressed, because I couldn't handle it. Until to a point where I started to numb out. I'm still confused, but I think I get somewhere bit by bit.
@@Madamekittylein So special. Yes it’s so interesting. 🙏🏼 Thank you for sharing. Ja, I have a feeling, the best I can do is just let it come, let process, let it be there, observer and things will unfold at the right timing.
For me, I don't feel like I experience resentment towards people showing emotional vulnerability, but I definitely experience the 'if you can't have a toy, nobody can' resentment of people engaging in activities or interests that I want to but am unable to or feel like I can't.
7.30 It is actually true that maaany people exaggerate to "get their way", and "use that" against others, for their own (seeming) benefit. Narcs, borderlines, and even "normal" people. Including APs, anxious avoidants. Your videos are the consistently best I've seen on the matter. THX
Wow, I have been healing from my attachment wounds already for 9 months now with the help of Heidi’s videos! ❤❤❤ I have just found out that I have always found vulnerability dumb or overexaggerated. But I always overdid vulnerability in my own life so I guess to make sure that peolpe reject me. But they always wanted to love me and then I started to become more and more dishonest and disrespectful so that they would finally reject me. Even with friends. I am so sad about that. But I know now however long it takes I am able to heal from my attachment wounds. Love to everyone!
