Letting go of them (and the ‘dream’)

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Felix writes, “Hi Susan, your videos are really saving me. I’m having a hard time getting rid of the dream. I am completely sure I wouldn’t want this hot and cold person anymore, but still find it impossible to cut the wiring clean off and sometimes I feel jealous of the possibility that he gets a potential new partner. This contradiction within myself is exhausting. Help please x!”
Work with me: susanwinter.net/consultation/
The Dating Games Guide: You know you're being played, but what's the game?
And what's your countermove?
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Wondering how to benefit from life's challenges?
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Опубликовано:

26 июн 2024

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Комментарии : 575

@joesandstrom4111 3 года назад

Remember, people: some dreams turn out to be nightmares. Let them go...

@kadanielle 3 года назад

I definitely needed to hear this.

@effrakataeffrakata2092 3 года назад

Yes thats true,but as we age we start to See Life and people clearly ,i can See a narcissist a Mile away...Nobody takes nothing from me anymore...use or abouse me.

@lindazhang8004 3 года назад

i BEEN THERE !!! LOL OUCH !!!

@NarnianLady 3 года назад

True! A real nightmare.

@GypsyMaeRose 2 года назад

So true!

@TheSLK1973 3 года назад

The dream is STILL OUR DREAM....just not with that loser ❤

@livinglifejaybyjay3063 3 года назад

Yessss

@beccawhite1887 2 года назад

💯

@alexng4 Год назад

or maybe you're the loser...i'm not trying being a jerk, but sometimes people have a delusional inflated perception of themselves..

@Thatsitthatsallllll Год назад

Absolutely!!!!! 🎉❤

@DinaPlotch 3 года назад

It's funny, as much as we know the person isn't good for us, we're resistant to kick them out of the dream, we believe they are the only person who can fill that role, I guess we do this cuz accepting the reality that they aren't, is just too depressing, whereas continuing to believe in the fantasy of the dream gives us hope, even if it's false hope.

@Katya-gf1vw 3 года назад

Absolutely true! Losing the whole dream.

@m7j23s53 3 года назад

I get it. I am dealing with the same thing as you are.

@Butterfly-nx4tt 3 года назад

Well said and totally agree!

@tmksk89 3 года назад

True..to know someone is not good for us and yet wanting her badly is tough. May be bcoz our minds do not want to accept that we made a wrong choice

@dankline9162 2 года назад

Its also bc we know them and their problems, with our perspective, and would want to try to help them if we could, to make the dream possible, but they can only fix themselves if they are willing to and put in the work. Dont try to fix others.

@lilbumbum6381 3 года назад

Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop. - Rumi

@MadawaskaObservatory 3 года назад

remember our life is short, our energy is not infinite, there is always somebody worth out there

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

Beautiful

@aaronarthurarcillas5087 2 года назад

True..

@wavy6470 2 года назад

@@tjfSIM Might need to reconsider what you're searching for.

@EmilyGloeggler7984 2 года назад

Remember that you do not have to have anyone else out there, even if they are worth it. If you don't want them, let them go and cut the wiring clean off.

@emily2277 Год назад

Game changer: “that person isn’t going to get what you wanted; the other person is going to get what your partner gives them.” Wow!!!! So true and comforting to here.

@queendom4839 Год назад

Yes very comforting! That line had me chuckling!

@rejoegeorge 5 месяцев назад

Hi Emily, this phrase that she made does sound good but I'm trying to wrap my head around on what exactly does that mean. I might be wrong with my understanding. Can you explain with an example? Like I was looking for a certain level of affection from this person, but they give it to their partner even when they don't need to ask for it (it could be something that they want also, right?)

@qj2003fall 4 месяца назад

@@rejoegeorgethe pattern continues. A guy who is afraid of commitment may also hurt another girl.

@Mayho_po 3 года назад

The timing could not have been better 😭

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

LOVE IT.

@joe_tha137 2 года назад

😭😭😭😭😭😭

@PossumLover1111 3 года назад

Susan, you're such an intuitive therapist. You just KNOW. Your wisdom, natural charm, and beauty (inside and out) are refreshingly welcomed and appreciated. Thank you.

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

thanks Annette

@lindazhang8004 3 года назад

I couldnt agree more :-)

@rickcope3226 2 года назад

Always remember. Rejection breeds obsession

@luciddream6603 3 года назад

Bingo! The way someone acts to you is the way he/she reacts to every relationship! ❤️

@amyjacquelineg.715 3 года назад

Hearing he will not necessarily change his chore behavior with a new partner is somehow a relief. And realizing it’s loosing the “dream”of what someone inspired and not actual reality makes total sense

@jackpetersen7545 2 года назад

AmyJacqueline G,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are with a good man!

@ragingphoinix9144 Год назад

Alternative take: maybe it's just not with you. People get too wrapped up in these notions that because x, y, z didn't work with you, or said person didn't work with you, that they will act the same with someone else. Sometimes, it's true. Other times, it's not. We want the other person to hurt like we do so we don't feel alone in our grief. The hardest lesson is accepting that even though you may have cared about each other at one point, ultimately, it just didn't work. It hurts to let go this way, because we always try to think of the what ifs or could haves, but the best life lesson I've learned is that sometimes, it really is what it is and what it isn't, and letting go.

@muyumyah Год назад

@@ragingphoinix9144 this is hard honesty but necessary

@Vicky-qu8nx 3 года назад

I was dating a guy for 2 months, it was great till I expressed my wanting to be in a proper relationship. He said he was too traumatized from his past relationships and he didn't want nothing more. I found out that he was dating another girl and he choose her over me. This was 2 years ago, they live together now. He is all over her social media. On the other hand no photo of her on his Facebook /Instagram.Back then I was scattered, now I realize that he does to her the same thing and that I wouldn't tolerate him anyway

@fleadoggreen9062 3 года назад

Yes he’s too indecisive, he needs to know. What or who he really wants , good thing you tracked him down on fb, now you know you just would of felt used.

@adday. 3 года назад

I looked up my big heart break from 20 years ago. He did on numbers on his wife and his mistress so bad they both rant about him on IG!

@gumerzambrano 3 года назад

Yeah he just wanted to hit it and exit. Try unfollowing then on social media (:

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

@@adday. wow...

@Tiabiacha1 3 года назад

He probably cheating on her and unsure about her too.

@martevanderzee7440 3 года назад

That last sentence: “They are going to be experience ‘hot and cold’, not you”. Priceless! Now I can finally move on after 1,5 years.... yesssss Thank you ❤️

@metaversewallet 2 года назад

1.5yrs?? thats so much time. dear god bless you.. m in similar situation but moving on soon.

@rupachakraborty7356 3 года назад

Ohhh😀😀😀 I'm very happy to hear the last sentence " he will and guess what they are going to experience hot and cold not you."....😀😀😀❤️❤️❤️ Love you Susan ...😘😘😘

@zaink7037 3 года назад

Hardest thing with a broken relationship is moving on and forgetting about them. I'm currently going through it and just want to be happy with them and move on. I found out things about her which doesn't fit what I want from a wife and so I use that to try and move on. One important thing I'll say to everyone here is keep busy, go out do stuff, see family as it really helps mentally. I know with Covid and lockdown occuring in different places around the globe will affect what we can and can't do so better to find things to do which wouldn't break that rule. Worst thing you want to do is sit out home overthink about the person as then your mind starts making things worse.

@hyperwarrior908 3 года назад

"Worst thing you want to do is sit out home overthink about the person as then your mind starts making things worse" That's true and unfortunately, the lockdown's policy from my city is making things really hard for people suffering heartache during this time. Restaurants, bars, coffee shop, nightclubs or sporting facilities are closed. Curfew in the evening! What do we have left? Internet, RU-vid or Netflix... Susan's videos is what keeping me sane. She's brilliant!

@zaink7037 3 года назад

@@hyperwarrior908 your not wrong with covid messing things up. Here in London we're in our second national lockdown. I heard about this girl I liked last year in march a week before the first lockdown came in. Talk about timing. I've been stuck at home since and for the past few months after finishing university I'm struggling to get into the career I want due to covid messing it up. Im now looking at jobs in the financial sector which is different to the science qualifications I got and parents aren't happy about it but I'm sure hopefully I'll be better off in this.

@EadsB7002 3 года назад

Excellent advice. Best to focus on what’s IS working in your life over what’s not. Woe is me is a very alluring place to be....but always leads to more overthinking and more disappointment.

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

@@hyperwarrior908 thank you!!

@NoName-jq7tj 3 года назад

Yes I’ve done this for a long time with previous partners. You have to be carful when you get deeply entrenched in this kind of state of mind as you get used to it like a depression it becomes your friend. I use your method of looking at her character and knowing I would not want that from a wife. Ive decided to put all my energies in my goal to succeed as an international sports photographer. My ultimate goal is to photograph the men’s 100mm final at the Olympics.

@noemie1873 3 года назад

I love the parallel you draw between the 'dream" and the idea to replace them by a better actor in a movie. thank you, great idea! I will remember this :)

@teeahtate Год назад

Right, we get attached to a person and an idea without looking at the reality of the situation. If a person doesn't want then they won't treat you right anyway.

@Moneyney- 3 года назад

One of the messages on the movie WW1984 it's exactly about letting go of the one you love when it has become detrimental to your life and health. When Diana said "I renounce my wish " and left Steve behind she got her power back and was able to fly for the first time... and I got the message and did the same. I renounce my wish and dream with him and since then I feel wonderful.

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

Brava!

@Seattlegal2 3 года назад

I've let go of relationships..Period. I can't do it anymore. No more dream. The hurt and the mindf*#@ry isn't worth it.

@thelovely1553 3 года назад

Same here....

@devashish7260 3 года назад

Have you started this process? can you share your progress?

@successforumtrainingfornur4973 3 года назад

wow! Just let go of a toxic man and dream today! TY . I am going to be o.k.

@evansbrown4481 3 года назад

Happy for you, toxic relationships shouldn’t be endured

@liz_grant6952 3 года назад

I wish I had known about Susan when I was going through a break up. But still very helpful and pleasant to listen to

@magdanovacmissouritigers6405 3 года назад

same here

@rupachakraborty7356 3 года назад

she is a motivational for me...❤️..

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

I appreciate this. Thank you!

@deepikamajumdar9622 3 года назад

I feel the same way, I could have saved wasting my years. You are amazing Susan ❤️

@lindazhang8004 3 года назад

that's why i think we should learn come here and learn and do our study review more often now and then coz it is that good.

@rebeccajones8628 2 года назад

I love what you say about the next girl experiencing hot and cold....it is very consoling.

@Sarafara7 3 года назад

I really needed to hear this. I'm going through the same hardship. My person was also hot and cold. You shouldn't want them anymore and yet you miss them. I'm looking forward to who will fit my dream ;)

@TheSoundofTanay 3 года назад

“Where you’re moving toward is better than anything you’ve got.” Susan, you have such powerful words coming out of you, you might not even know about it! I ended a four-year relationship with my first girlfriend and to this day, I feel like I lost my best friend. When in reality, my life has been much better and I’ve found someone who’s a much better partner. It’s funny how our brain likes to get stuck onto things that we used to idealise.

@aysabali8231 2 года назад

The ending! "they're going to experience hot and cold.. Not you" I just love that. Thank you so much, Susan Winter. ♥ 🤗

@Evaaa897 3 года назад

I know my ex is bad for me, I know she doesn't fit my wife material, I know we're different, I know we wil never be compatible, and yet still I miss her.. Accepting our differences isn't the hard part, it's unnattaching from someone u are emotionally connected too, and dealing wit the dissapointment that they may have detached long before we have 😢

@debrahorvath9983 3 года назад

Thanks ... very good ... very true .... So everyone ... ... Feel it - Grieve it - Don’t try to Retrieve it - Just Let it Go - So You Can Grow - And then Finally Glow !!

@jartotable 3 года назад

Yep...once I learnt that it was my dream and not reality changed the way I dated. I see what I see now, not want I want to see.

@teeahtate Год назад

YES. We get caught up in what we want to see instead of what is really there. I did that in my youth. Now I follow Maya Angelou's advice, 'When people show you who they are believe them."

@NarnianLady 3 года назад

Both losses have been hard. However, the reality was a nightmare...

@jeromerelayson3850 3 года назад

Wow that leading role part really hits me. I have the power to choose and have a great Cast in my life. Thank you Ms. Susan.

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

Yes you do Jerome. You are the casting director, the screenwriter and the director.

@monica4141 24 дня назад

Keep the dream, change the person

@kymbelt 3 года назад

Bravo! This has been, in my opinion, the soundest, most articulate, & logical form of advice that I've ever heard! So relevant for anyone going through a divorce or break-up to be able to understand the 'why's' & 'hows' of reframing their experience this way so that they can actually move forward in life with confidence, clarity, and eventually even with gratitude for having been given the tools to help them heal so much sooner than they were otherwise able to !! Skip the redundant sections of your grief experience?? YES PLEASE! After 2 failed marriages- I had to learn the hard way that those 'what-if' kind of thoughts only prolong your pain & add extra regret cause you wasted even more of your precious time stuck in 'analysis paralysis' when you could have been focused on the manifestation of the upgraded version of your dream!!!!

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

Kimberly, thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

@kymbelt 3 года назад

@@SusanWinter You are most welcome! So glad I stumbled upon your channel & subscribed! Great content 💯

@lioydwilliams1850 3 года назад

@@kymbelt you deserve better my dear

@ralu1651 3 года назад

I came to exactly same conclusion as Susan points out, after 10months of “what if’s” and misery thinking. I ended up being grateful for the lessons learned through my experience with him and be thankful of him showing me what I should not in fact tolerate and why I was tolerating BS. Though time and now in the beginning of a new time of calmly and naturally letting go. Susan is the best! I wished for this video to land on my notification 10 months ago. But grateful for the lovely confirmation of my lessons learned through struggle. 🤍

@williamsharman2159 3 года назад

@@kymbelt Hi Kimberly, hope you're safe over there, i hope this year brings joy and happiness to all Americans

@paulinha6892 3 года назад

First time hearing about "the dream" theory and I can tell I am having a mega blaster insight now! Thank you for that!

@insyiwinsyi 2 года назад

That ending is a PUNCH to my face. Susan, thank you so much. I LOVE YOU

@tisaac8037 2 года назад

Thanks for touching on the fact that the next person who dates your ex is going to get what you got. It's too easy to think, "her next partner is going to get a polished version of her that I never saw, because I was her practice boyfriend to work the kinks out." While that may be partly the case bc we learn from each relationship, the patterns and areas with room for improvement are still largely there.

@britanniau.k.4352 Год назад

The problem arises when the dream and the person are inextricably bound up and nobody else can fit in their role....

@SusanWinter Год назад

Britannia, try this concept. The dream may have been inspired by a specific person but it does not demand a specific person. I know you feel it might because of certain conditions, but it does not. Look for the bigger version of this very specific dream. Look for the qualities it its bringing you. replace the person

@teeahtate Год назад

@@SusanWinter Very true. I hear you. The dream is really about you and not the other person. The other person was an inspiration of your potential life. Since we don't really know the person we are filling in the blanks with good qualities that may or may not be true. I think the challenge for some people is it is difficult to find people that are attractive to us so when we find a person we stick to them like glue and really hope our wants can make the dream the reality. I have learned to let go of the person and not the dream. In reality for some people, that could mean being alone which is better than settling for the wrong person and being unhappy.

@zoobadee 3 года назад

Your videos always bring me so much comfort. You're like that intuitive best friend that doesn't sugar coat but also keeps your feelings into consideration and doesn't go overboard. Thank you Susan !!! You're such a sweetheart 💕

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

Big hug!! (Electronically)

@eveheart2876 3 года назад

I love watching her videos. I always go back when in doubt or resistance of my own heart at times

@alanpaul552 3 года назад

Thank you, your video was so helpful. Your right my ex will never change. Once hot & cold always hot & cold. I suppose deep down I knew that but didnt want to face it.

@Butterfly-nx4tt 3 года назад

Thanks for making this video. This is why it is often so hard to let go. We have this dream that they were once a big part of, and it's hard to just give up on. Sometimes, you have stubborn feelings inside you that tell you to hang on to those dreams and keep your optimism; other times, you have the weight of certain circumstances, of outside reality, that urge you to move on and close this chapter of your life. It's very hard to navigate at times. But you acknowledge that these dreams exist, are common, and are natural. Acknowledging this loss is a part of grieving or figuring out the next steps.

@teeahtate Год назад

Very true. I believe it is a part of being human to create bonds and strong memories becuase it is how we survive and make it in the world. The problem is this law also works for good things and bad things. It takes work but if you keep at it you will survive.

@JaneBang82 3 года назад

Susan you are the only coach that really resonates with me ❤️. I wish I would have discovered you sooner before playing all these games that male “relationship experts” suggest. Sometimes I wonder what the outcome could’ve been if I was honest and straight forward about what I wanted. Thank you Susan I will never play those coy games again.

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

Hi Jane. Thank you for the kind words. Start with where you are now. It will all be fine in the end

@williamsharman2159 3 года назад

Hi jane hope you're safe over there, i hope this year brings joy and happiness to all Americans

@amandaconnell653 3 года назад

Everything you said was so accurate Susan, & I would add that there's always more than one person to build your dream with. Don't get caught up in the web of "this is the one'.....there are many people out there to find happiness with. 👍👍💖💖💖 🇬🇧 🇬🇧

@adzmirable 3 года назад

Susan, why does it feel as if you speak directly to us, helping us... in each of your videos? Love from Kuala Lumpur

@SusanWinter 3 года назад

Oh, that's what I hope you feel. It's true. I only have the camera but I wish it were you in front of me. Thank you for your thoughtful comments

@adriane3978 2 года назад

I’m open to my dream being different than I imagined. Giving it to the universe now. ❤️

@paiiininthebuttt2477 Год назад

People don’t change - you’re 💯! What you got is what they’ll get.

@maxingham9139 Год назад

I'm starting to wake up from my dream ,I was filling in the bad with a dream, Thank you!

@lucyaerialartist4566 3 года назад

LOVE THIS!!!

@bryanmccaffrey4385 Год назад

Totally got caught up in the dream. Good to know the dream itself doesn't have to die with the relationship. Didn't think of it that way.

@richardrichard9953 2 года назад

I just ghosted and moved on. Never heard a word so I know I did the right thing for me.

@ferrevw9400 2 года назад

i needed this the most

@gregmoverley7525 2 года назад

Thank You Susan !

@sofiaxavier8241 2 года назад

this video is gold

@annettet7941 3 года назад

Thank you Susan ❤

@HateMySwagNotMe 2 года назад

👏🏼 Thank you so much!

@aicacaca 2 года назад

thank you susan:(♡

@faveurpierre5748 Год назад

Thanks so much Susan

@ninacharm9044 3 года назад

Another AWESOME advice 💗

@gumerzambrano 3 года назад

Holy cow I'm literally in that exact situation!

@richardadkin7226 Год назад

Great advice ♥️

@noahschechtel8979 3 года назад

spot on , !!! great video

@ohkay8609 5 месяцев назад

Such a great reminder

@Kknicole55 3 года назад

I needed this... thank you

@reginapapadopoulou4611 3 года назад

i needed that...thank you

@stephaniemontgomery4023 3 года назад

Ty very much! Much needed!

@bills1578 2 года назад

This was so helpful. Thank you.

@noeleenfulham1705 2 года назад

This was amazing....thank you x

@audreylasaten 2 года назад

THANK YOU SO MUCH

@wendyhutchinson457 3 года назад

This is spot on advise. 🙌😃

@marlenebtagelman2451 3 года назад

Great advice. Thank you!

@dominiccobb6470 3 года назад

Susan, you are awesome!

@sarahv3921 3 года назад

Susan, you’re amazing!

@VALERIA-pl1kv Год назад

thank you susan i love you

@farhiaaddedadeed1836 Год назад

Amazing information and make sense

@Lmtless2 2 года назад

Omg!! This is spot on for me rn!!

@rickblasing1237 2 года назад

This is so incredibly helpful. Thank you

@RLLUMB 3 года назад

Love you Susan x

@julesblasi5806 Год назад

Love u Susan, life saver❤️

@melaniep6543 2 месяца назад

So very helpful! Thank you, Susan 😊

@mehvespoda5440 3 года назад

Thank you...I needed to hear this💕💋

@janinesheaffer4713 3 года назад

You are great to listen too!

@shenadaly1517 3 года назад

loved listening to this ,great advice thank you

@DonnaMartinKuhn62 Год назад

Love this content Susan! ❤️

@maryamzizi2023 3 года назад

Great video Susan 😊😊

@Jordantzd 3 года назад

Thank you Susan

@t9m468 3 года назад

Absolutely love these videos around this topic. Thanks Susan!

@nocte.animam 10 месяцев назад

This is really good advice! Thank you.

@catarinaalmeida3122 2 года назад

THANK U SO MUCHHHHH

@annawingqvist3991 3 года назад

Once again. Thank you 👏🏻🙌🏻❤️

@lealea6020 2 года назад

Thank you Susan I needed to hear this today

@ritchellecosinero308 3 года назад

Thank you for this message, Susan. Just what I needed right now...

@etheldacosta1388 3 года назад

This is wonderful. I love listening to you more and more.

@katieharris953 2 года назад

Thank you Susan! The Dream!!!

@JollyMcStanson 3 года назад

Susan hit the nail right on the head. Thank you.

@RobinApplewood 3 года назад

On point as always Susan. You are such a guru

@eddie95795 Год назад

Very powerful words, thankyou

@jouiNoel345 3 года назад

thank you Susan i feel like I needed this today

@elenaisupova9052 3 года назад

Susan, you are so smart!

@krystalhunter7025 3 года назад

Love ya Susan! You’re amazing!

@sevbuyse 3 года назад

I adore you Susan! Thank you so much. this is so clear and obvious!

@jamishepard98 3 года назад

Great New Year’s advice....EXCELLENT!🤗 Thank you, Susan.

@valeriab-6126 3 года назад

You are so wise Susan❤️🤗

@jianalin129 3 года назад

I love this channel! Literally saving me from lot of self sabotaging

@MrChococat84 3 года назад

Susan you are always spot on!!!!