MBTI and Emotional Intelligence (EQ) 

Star Trek has taught me a lot about empathy and how healthy adults handle conflict. Patrick Stewart was my surrogate space dad who showed me how to be empathetic, kind and compassionate on screen as well as off. That being a man was more than society defined, to be a guiding force as well as a safe place to rest. You are the rock that splits the river creating a slow spot for life to flourish, the rock that someone can grab onto to avoid being swept away, the rock that a better future can be built from.

The true test of growth is to rediscover your inner child with all of your adult knowledge and traumas. That doesn't mean to literally be childish. It just means it's unsustainable to not have a childlike quality in your mind and in your behavior. There's too many legitimate reasons to be unhappy. If you saw it all at once you'd cripple your ability to be productive. (INTJ)

I truly appreciate the INTENTIONAL work you are putting into deeply understanding how us feelers are and how we operate (particularly from a high Thinker type). For the practical people out there, learning how to be more empathetic could help most work-related matters (and familial) in order to get you to your desired goals. It doesn't make much sense to my Thinker friends/ family that I can't get things done well or 'think straight' if my feelings are hurt/bothersome. Simply letting us get it out and just listening can make *US* EFFECTIVELY move forward on things. So try your best to listen, Thinkers!! ( it's a good and nice "trick" 😄) And maybe you could say something like, "Wow I hear you" or "man sorry you're going through this." (Add some supporting dialogue). Then say (if it applies), "Is there any way I can help you with this situation?" (If they're not a user). And then that let's the Thinkers have a chance to *DO* something and the other person feels better as well. Win win! (Note: even if they say "No, there's nothing you can do," the mere fact that you listened counts as doing something, just in case you feel useless. I promise!). Once person has calmed from situation, gently apply your typical/ usual suggestions. Believe it or not, I can sometimes forget these things dealing with my friends, when I get into my NeTe (skipping that Fi), just making suggestions and not truly making them feel heard (I catch myself eventually and quickly go the empathetic route). Sorry didn't mean to ramble. Way too long lol. Being concise is NOT my strong point haha! Thank you for your videos! And happy holidays!

Thank you for making these videos Jon. You are the first person to make sense of what it’s like to be an INTJ and I’ve come to recognize some of my strengths and weaknesses through the videos you make. You’re the first person that has really made me feel understood. Thank you. Sincerely, an INTJ.

Hi Jon! Again a masterclass of a video. As an INTJ woman, I also learned about emotional intelligence the hard way. The number of times I was a jerk without realizing is a lot...🤐 Personally, I learned a lot from my friends and my mom who are feelers. After observing how they handle people and how they feel their emotions, I was able to understand a bit and improve. It's really last year when I decided to be better at Social Skills and EQ that I improved much more in a conscious way. I used to go every week for months to an Emotional Awareness group with a coach who was teaching it (She was INFP) Most of the people there were Feelers and I was really blown away by their personal thoughts, it was really overwhelming and I was so lost. Since they were opened to debate, I was able to honestly ask questions and try to understand without having people being offended. I was the only Thinker many times and it was very draining afterwards but I'm happy I did it. It's funny cause one of the girl even compared me to Wednesday from the TV show with my way of telling things. How many times they just laughed because I was too blunt at something and I didn't realize it. 😬 So if you have the opportunity to try that in your city, I would recommend it as a fellow INTJ. It's even better since you get to practice with strangers. But be careful cause it's very draining so you should be ready for this and have only that for the day. The coach there used to teach EQ mostly from this book: Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett Maybe you can check that one if you don't know. ----------- Also, to share from my experience. First, you're right about being a good listener. Most of the time, people just want to be heard and share what they're thinking and feeling to get it out. If you want to respond, there is 2 options depending on the person: 1) If you know them, you probably know what kind of reaction they expect from you. So be ready to provide that for their own sake. Maybe just listening, or a hug or help them find a solution. You should also know how they prefer to be talked too. For example, I prefer the Goggins way too but it's not for everyone. 2) If you don't know the person enough or not sure, just ask them. Is that okay if I can give you an advice? and depending on how they are, provide something. It's also good to ask how they feel about the situation to make them think about the solution themselves. etc etc Also, it's important to have boundaries. I always tellmy friends that if they expect the consoling type of an NFJ, it's not me at all. I will make effort for people I like but ther is a limit. I also am very clear about the ranting/complaining. I can hear it once or twice but if it's always the same disc all over again, then bye. It can be harsh but it's for my own sanity. And also don't want to waste time if the person didn't do anything to change their situation. Hope it helps! I believe that Truth with Respect of the person's feelings is always a good thing. Thanks for the reflection Jon :)

I struggle to introduce topics that to me aren’t looking like they are personal, but for some feelers they can’t detach logic from emotion and personal biases, so everything is ‘personal’ because that’s how they see the world. Sometimes the topic/fact is just the way it is, it is not a character attack or any sort of blaming but because of the inherit attachment, there’s no way the topic can be presented without it ever being non-‘personal’. Sometimes, there’s no way that any words or angles could soft blow plain truth. But in this video I learnt a nugget of gold. Empathy: 1. Listen first and listen fully 2. Validate the emotion to stabilise it 3. Once stabilised, then only provide the solution/present truth

This is crazy, i adore this. So freaking real.

Woah! Your comment about INTJ's searching for answers in circumstances and childhood was so on point! When I because of reasons finally started to care about my emotions and tried to do something about my social interactions and comments like "you're always so hard to read", I eventually realised that's exactly how I treat them: you can't read me in the moment because I can't let something as erratic as feelings take the lead and I'm currently assessing how I feel, why I feel that way, how I should convey that emotion to properly mirror it and simultaneously stay whithin the realms of what is socially accepted, or if it's even necessary to convey it, or if me conveying them could reveal information that could be used against me, and how that would impact the recepient and hence myself again depending on it's response, and the list go on..! Or I simply subdue them to (hopefully) look at them later (during a walk or something) because the moment doesn't allow for such analysis and logic always prevails. When I stumbled upon similar cases whithin my interactions and realised that I've actually unconsciously done it prior in my life it really sent me down a rabbit hole searching for answers in my - you said it - childhood. Videos as yours often confirm or teach me something about myself, and it is often also small details as such, that make me feel seen and heard, and help me continue my journey from a very, very dark place and hopefully emerge as a better form of my INTJ self further down the road :) Thank you!

It's so interesting that I am an INTJ and I'm big on empathy! Maybe it's because psychology was one of my main interests growing up. I kept reading psychological books since I was so fascinated by the topic. It's still true that I used to be more selfish years ago and I didn't quite know how to externalize my empathy. I was more focused on myself. However, I recently had a few very emotional years in my life - which of course was a great shock to me being an INTJ! It lead to an identity crisis, but I got through it. Now, I'm better and more open about my empathy towards other people. I've almost become like an INFJ! Still, my mind tends to go to a problem-solving mode when I listen to other people etc. I'm like an INFJ in an INTJ's body! 😂 In fact, I'm still an INTJ, after all. And I've dealt with issues in my life like an INTJ would also in these past years. I've been functional and accomplished one goal after another. Still, I've recently become interested in my own personality type again since I need to balance and ground myself after the emotional rollercoaster I've been through. I need to remind myself of the positive EQ qualities that INTJs naturally have. It's time to be a bit more selfish again, and get my life to the next level! It's best for everyone!

It takes a humble person to admit your weakness on line so yeah we all learn from trial and error that's where growth comes in I like the quote that we need to water our own grass so true .

There are several books I've listened to that have helped my EQ to grow. If somebody wants proof that EQ is important, and I mean studies and numbers proof, Primal Leadership will give that proof. I'm sorry to say I needed the proof, needed to know EQ is a skill and a valuable one, in fact the most important skill for corporate business according to that book and all the studies it showcased. That's probably the hardest part for me, an Fi user, finding value in Fe. I have to remind myself continually.

Thank you Jon for making this video! As an INFJ, I love all the moments when an INTJ validates my emotion first, and then provides me with a viable solution that helps me fix the problem.

As a feeler, I’ve come to appreciate the forms of caring that comes from thinkers. Yeah, it might sound cold and detached at first, but it’s always expressed through an action which could only be possibly motivated by caring and the willingness to expend mental energy in trying to solve your problem.

Yes, we don't get to choose how someone feels. Because it is actually their choice. So we can not be responsible for it. We don't need to apologize for being an INTJ, as long as we have no intention of hurting someone's feeling. Of course, there's also no reason to use harsh or rude words just to emphasize something. People's feelings are theirs to answer to. As the saying goes, focus on what you can control. Not what you can't control. And other's feelings are theirs to control. About EQ itself, theoretically speaking, consists of 4 aspects: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Self-awareness and self-management are the strength of Fi, while social awareness and relationship management are the strength of Fe. So, unless they're someone you care about and really don't want to hurt unintentionally, then you can learn the Fe approach (which arguably shallow) with them. But then (again from logical standpoint) if they also care about you, then they should be the ones learn to accept and understand that there's no ill intention behind your action/words, and learn to stop taking everything personally. Because their feelings are again, theirs to control. On the other hand, if they're a stranger who also don't care about you, there's even less reason to care about what they think and what they may feel? It is their responsibility to take care of themselves, as long as we don't have any ill intention toward anybody. Because in the end, no other person can hurt someone's feeling without their own permission. Moral of the story: when an INTJ voicing out or externalizing their thinking, better also receive and respond it with rationality. Not emotions. These whole clashes between Fi and Fe are what causing today's cancel culture, 'snowflake' generation, political propaganda using identity politics, and are the main point of exploit for manipulators and narcissists. Who, sometimes, are also the very people close to us or we care about, without them realizing it themselves. In the end, although having more 'rounded' personality may sound ideal, it is not completely possible and wise to aim for in my opinion. Because Fi and Fe are conflicting to begin with (the more you use one, means the less you use the other). In other words, when you try to appeal to everyone, you're no one.

This reminds me of the fact that sometimes, as I try to console the people in my life and try to hear them, I find myself jumping way too quickly to (Ni-Ti)ing a solution :') I feel like I hear only the tip of the iceberg of their emotions and quickly jump into the problem solving part... I fear that I make them unheard in this way, as I aspire to be a safe space for those around me. But it doesn't help that the culture I am in is very dry in terms of feelings, and them opening up is a very rare, once in a blue moon occurrence, and it almost feels like they regret opening up mid-way :') This video does inspire me to be more conscious in such circumstances. So as always, Thank you Jon :D

It’s so rad to see you grow .. and share! ✨👏🏼✨ get it!

As someone with auxilary Fe I can listen to the person effortlessly, then sift through what they tell me about, and figure out solutions that I know will most likely work for them, kinda tailoring it to their person. My Ni really does make me the old wise man but I'm only pretty much middle aged, only at 39. Sometimes I sound like I am 69, but sometimes I then sound freaken 19.😂🤣 Being INFJ can suck but it can also be wonderful as well. Plus, when talking to INTJs like yourself, you guys might not the the best at empathising but you guys understand your own emotion much better than we INFJs do. We on the other hand understand other people's emotions than you guys do. It is from an INTJ and an INFP that I learned how to acknowledge my own Fi. I am working on my shadow functions so I can at least grasp how to use all 8 functions consciously. Still having trouble with Si, but I know it might start soon enough within another 10 to 20 years. Also yes, emotional intelligence is important an yes everyone might be good at one aspect of it and need to learn everything else. Improvement is the goal, correct? Also, I remember the video you did with Joice, and I agree, INTJs and INFJs need at least one of the other in this world. Also, depth is one of the most important things to us Ni doms or why would we dive so deeply to learn something inside and out, am I correct? We want to follow no one else but our inner, higher selves, our intuition. Allot of INFJs seem to avoid eye contact but I actually enjoy seeing someone's core being through their eyes. Is it the same with INTJs?

There is a reel I've seen where a Husky has buttons... One of them is the B-word. Man's best friend. 😂

Definitely important to learn about those pesky blind spots. It’s a good reminder that you offer here. Have you tried looking at the literature on life coaching? I like to think of it as a toolkit for helping to work through the feelings. Still feels awkward or less genuine at times, and I think largely due to the fact that it’s not my natural tendency. As you note, however, things can change with practice and experiencing the rewards of success. Thanks for your words

"Yes, and no to all the above." got me on the floor bro! 🤣

Thanks for the video and wishing you a happy new year Jon! While I don't have any recommendations on material, the one thing I think we can always strive to continue improving that boosts EQ is the act of listening to understand, instead of listening to respond. This is something that happens more often than we think, and can take some practice to recognize when you're doing the latter but once you start seeing it, there can be a lot of clues about what may be important to the other person that they may not even be aware of and how to steer toward an amicable resolution.

I am so curious what this meme is. Although I agree it’s important to consider how other people will feel about your joke, I don’t think you’re entirely in the wrong. I think intent is incredibly important. Your friend really should have given you the benefit of the doubt knowing you’re not a misogynist; and at the most, just notify you that the joke didn’t come across well rather than attacking you.

Im here for a while trying to elaborate a decent comment... Te way of empathize is often from a problem solving POV and for so long i didnt understand why people would get mad of me when "i was only trying to help! dont you want to solve this problem?!", I often times i need to restrain myself on entering the advisor mindset and just listen and somehow """validate""" the other people's feelings (never too condescending hahaha). on the other hand, i think of myself as a tough person, but somehow people sometimes hurt my feelings like with a very pointy needle, right at the soft spot and it hurts so bad, and people get confused, "why are you so hurt??". not to long myself so much, it is hard to understand other people's emotions, i feel like i'm always missing something that isnt there to see. thanks for all the videos, 2023 was the year that found your channel and it has been a pleasure to follow your content! I hope 2024 to be an amazing year for us all!

Now that I graduated engineering EQ gonna be a lot more important in industry and my personal life (now that I have free time) Its still super draining so I hope to handle it efficiently

Thanks for your vulnerability and thoughtfulness in this video. I believe that we all can improve but we have to own our strengths and understand that everyone's strengths come at a price of being weak in the opposite area. If all types understand that and show empathy for each other life will be much easier. I want to suggest a book I intend to read soon called Enneagram of Emotional Intelligence.

This was a good one! Wishing you a happy and prosperous new year Jon, I'm so glad i found your channel and get to benefit from your insights.

Hey Jon, I've found an interesting framework (well, I came up with it) which tries to prove that any behavioural associations with any cognitive type are ungrounded, or rather cannot be determined just by looking at functions and their positions. Instead it is always a matter of awareness of those functions which shape the psyche. No matter what, every single person is a manifestation of any *_type_* as unique and individual as they themselves are. For instance, any associations for example with Fe as positively harmonizing with the environment miss the point of the individual's experience of the function itself and how it adds substance to their being. *Additional info (cognitive function activity) to work with (direct activity guided by ego, desires, character etc.).* In other words, upon Fe data an Fe user can react in millions, if not billions of unique ways, nonetheless the influence of this cognitive function remains present and rather static, as it presents the world with _the same lens_, albeit the data (external social stimuli) is always shifting and subject to change, and anybody themselves also change with time as they mature (the pattern of their reactions to cognitive functions is subject to evolution). Consider homosexuality and its morality. How we come to understand it can metaphorically help us how to see the cognitive functions. In fact, there is no morality to speak of. It is not inherently moral or immoral, despite what certain environments may suggest. Really, in its purest essence, homosexuality is *_amoral_* - it escapes moral judgment, and any attempts to morph it into a value framework are unguided. This is because the homosexual orientation itself is not a conscious choice - it's merely not willfully determined. It is something that happens to some of us. It just is. That orientation enhances us with one way to perceive the world (here: the world of sexual relations) and any character judgments of someone (empathic, shy, aggressive, tolerant etc.) are beyond that orientation: not determined by it at all, but running in parallel alongside it. Something similar is going on with the cognitive functions. We are set to perceive the world in one way over another and we don't have a choice over what comes to us naturally (the top 4 conscious functions). This is to say that we get information from those functions and whatever we choose to do with it is entirely up to us - not with that side of ourselves which is unconsciously predetermined (i.e. cognitive function or sexual orientation), but the part where our will is and where we have control, essentially when we are held responsible for what we do. So any *_behavioural associations_* with any cognitive function (to extent, with any cognitive type) are *_unfounded_* in that they assume that a cognitive function *inevitably means a certain predictable reaction in the inner mind which leads to predictable outwardly-oriented actions*. That is not the case, people are just too complex for that. Even the notion of _types_ per se is seen as wary by Carl Jung himself (_'One can never give a description of a type, no matter how complete, that would apply to more than one individual, despite the fact that in some ways it aptly characterizes thousands of others. Conformity is one side of a man, uniqueness is the other.'_ - from 'Psychological Types'). Of course a compass is necessary, but we need to know how to employ typology intelligently so as to recognize where unconscious tendencies end and where personal control begins; where cognitive type ends and character, temperament, habits, ego start. ----------------- So emotional intelligence is never tied to a cognitive type specifically, but to the individual and their character guided by upbringing and class position, and social environment, and how they were taught to see and treat themselves, and other forces I've not mentioned. Inevitably, a higher position of cognitive functions predispose individuals to certain psychical states more frequently than if those cognitive functions were to be lower. There's also a matter of trust related to cognitive functions - dominant Fi and tertiary Fi give the same lens, but dominant Fi might be more like very rose-tinted glasses, while tertiary Fi is still pink, but rather bland. However, it's just *_sheer awareness that changes_*, and with that it is actually not inevitable that an Fi-user will have for example low or high empathy, or be friendly or unfriendly. The Enneagram seems to give some helpful tools as to how people of the same general cognitive type can be radically different in behaviour, in vibe, in interests etc. Take for instance Joyce Meng, who is 629 or 692, Frank James, who PDB typed as 496, and I, who views myself as 541. All of us are INFJs. These Trifixes _make_ Joyce look ISFJ-ish, Frank look INFP-ish and me look INTJ-ish. 'Look' is the key word: now I only considered the stereotypical/memical depictions of those aforementioned types, but I only did that to emphasize how different Trifixes impact our behaviour and the impressions we leave on others, and especially how we react to the info we get from cognitive functions - our gateways to the world. *To me, cognition in typing others matters, and cognition is predispositions in judgment and perception combined with our inner-worldly and outer-worldly actions.* ----------------- I hope that this quite investigative comment was not only interesting but quite clear in the point I was delivering. I wanted to transmit something that I found really important about this field of psychology. These thoughts arose from the little absurdity I felt when I was researching types and I was frequently spotting superficial observations on various parts of the internet. It's hard not to see them, they're so prevalent. Actually, from so much information nowadays is necessary the skill to recognize high-quality sources and compartmentalize our understandings in the right way. That is: we need to be open-minded and universalizing to coalesce multiple perspectives into one big universal block of understanding. Turns out that for me, Carl Jung himself was the best source of insight into cognitive type, alongside with some parts from Harry's CPT - and upon how they viewed type I tried to create my own little framework to tie some concepts together which weren't adequately explored perhaps. There is much uncertainty yet hanging, and despite that I feel so certain in my type now that I've spent a lot of time looking not only into psychology but other domains of it, also philosophy and a bit of spirituality. There can be a theory which integrates all those fields surely, I think typology is already playing out an important role in lives of many but so many people at my age just stop at treating it like a horoscope. It's such disrespect to the intellectual content which is buried within and the potential within us that lies deep and can be realized with the help of typology if we see what it is that we need to grow and blossom. 😇

I have some empathy for people but if they annoy me i can easily turn it off and be brutally blunt and straight forward. But for people who hate animals i have no empathy for whats to befall them.

Emotional Intelligence by Goleman splits EI in 12 pieces. I has 5 pieces. E has 7 pieces. As an INTJ, I think I’m good with 5 I pieces. 7 E pieces? That’s quite challenging.

Hahaha "not liking to have weakness, that's what I like to feel too

I dont think empathy or feelings have anything to do with Fe and official Fe function definition supports that. Empathy is based on understanding the feelings of another person and you need a concious understanding of your own feelings to have that, aka you need Fi. Having an understanding of how those feelings affect the other person helps aswell, so I think Ne, Te and Ni also help (in some capacity and that order). I've heard an opinion that Se might also help empathy but since I'm not that confident in my Se I cant confirm, but it does make some sense.

So if anything I do ever offends anyone change that behavior forever.. check. Trying to plan your friends' responses to your jokes by tailoring which jokes come out is the same as expecting them to not be offended.

Empathy whats that? No just kidding but seriously i can handle myself with emotions thats true ive been being helled at and just saying things back in a normal voice so

Hold space for anotger person 's feelings. Acknowledge them. Sincerely INFJ

John EQ is equaliser not emotional intelligence. I think you mistaken. 😂😂😂😂😂