@@kevinc8955 lmao imagine sending a 20 ish year old into their death. Because housing costs quadruple the amount it did before. How funny (Relative to minimum wage)
Frankly, if your mom is anywhere near as abrupt and angry as you are the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Therapy is $250 per hour and is not paid by most insurance. You will not get any inheritance here. I would leave my money to a stranger before I would leave it to a nasty entitled adult child who went no contact. I think the internet has caused a big group of narcissistic adults.
It’s wild because a lot of them will pretend they have no idea why they kids are no contact, but then they’ll tell us that they were told. It’s like they’re in denial. My brother told my mom, and then when she told me she had no idea why he didn’t talk to her I told her and then she just denied it. OK, you can’t even say sorry, that’s why. 🤷🏻♀️
Yep! My mother tells people I’m being witched and that’s why I don’t talk to her, AFTER I sent several emails explaining WHY. And I tried to talk to her directly, but it was like explaining Euclidean geometry to a rock. She couldn’t hear she made mistakes.
It's such an ego thing. They refuse to change their harmful behaviors, but they love to tell themselves and others that they "would do anything to fix the relationship." To reconcile their ego and their image they pretend to have "no idea" why their children are mad at them and went no contact. It's so exhausting. As one of those adult children it's like talking to a wall that chastises you for not communicating.
The ENTITLEMENT is coming from the PARENTS. Your kids don't owe you shit because they didn't ask to be here. Once children become grown, they're ADULTS....like the PARENTS. They can LIVE their OWN life. Children are not your nurses, maids, therapists, or personal shoppers. Adults ADULT.
You are never equal with your parents. They do deserve respect. No you didn't ask to be here, but they didn't have to keep you either! Abortion, Foster Care ask the CHILDREN that endured it! This is a horrible generation and that's why you're children are destroying the world and killing you guys
Exactly. It’s easier when we didn’t have our own beliefs, feelings, and opinions. Not so easy to be a puppet and not so easy to be walked over/bulldozed!
My emotionally abusive ex said that, even though he was the one blowing all the household savings on drugs, refuse any sort of therapy and he was even hospitalised twice for overdosing. He's still insisting that he has done nothing wrong and that's why I realised he's someone who is beyond help. When things go wrong, it's everyone else's fault except his.
I think a wife leaving is kind of less of a pain than a kid. A wife is technically a stranger you mate in your adult years. And thus somehow replaceable. A kid on the other hand... lots of childhood memories to erase.. And kind of irreplaceable
Exactly Right! I mean no one says anything when you cut off a toxic significant other or friend, but cut off a toxic parent or family member, and society looks at you like you killed someone.
Exactly. Thank you. When we say toxic. Yes. We mean. Toxic. Whenever I visited I would get physically ill sick to my stomach from her abuse. With splitting Migränes (the Migräne stopped allmost copleatly after we cut her out.) It was insane I needet weeks and months to remotely recover from those visits. A phone call had me shaking like it was a bomb alarm. It's still so verry hard but I can't ever go back and keep alive.
"Blood is thicker than water" Absolutely! Let's add the rest of that adage back in. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" The friends who fight with us side by side are always far stronger relationships than the ones we are born into
THANK YOU. Abusers all play the same script. One of my ex's couldn't just break up with me and leave it at that, she needed it to be a huge theatrical production where she lied to police and played up a huge false victim narrative that thank god I was able to get out of with text messages and past lies of hers. About 5 years later she tries to re-initiate contact and I refused then told her never to contact me again or I'll be pressing charges. Her response was to say "you men today are too emotional, learn to let things go". Both my parents play the EXACT same card. To an abuser YOU are always the one at fault and when when they are wrong, some way some how you made them do it for you own good.
These parents ares ALWAYS 'I have never done anything wrong in my entire life, I dont know why my kids wont talk to me!" Thats why they are no contact. An absolute staunch refusal to take responsibility for anything at all. That everything is someone elses fault.
My mum had to deal with trauma of how my grand mum treated her. Really like a piece of garbage. I couldn't understand why my mum would take this. She tried to pull that shit on me, I was out of there as soon as I could and put an ocean between us, I am not no contact, but I love her at arm length. I grieved the fact that we will never be close. While I understand why my mum act that way as she didn't heal from her own trauma, doesn't mean I have to take it the way she did with my grandmother. The way she expected me to take it
A therapist told me once that she would go to local nursing homes and there would be residents who had children, but their children wouldn’t see them. The therapist could read between the lines - she said There’s a reason for no contact
My current situation. My mother is in a nursing home & I visit every other month-ish. Pissed me off (in February) hearing the nurse in her area greet me "hey how are you? You haven't visited since Thanksgiving." Umm, ok first of all you don't know my life and schedule. Second of all, I was here at Christmas, then y'all had covid going around in there in January so excuse me for not trying to get sick. Third of all, you don't know how my mother was with me the last 20+ years. So mind your business.
My abusive father should consider himself lucky he'll get to be in a decent home. I plan to check in on his needs being met. All of that is coming from me recognizing his own humanity and his right to having his basic needs met. Everything else... well, he's reaped what he's sown.
My parents used to say "youre going to move away and never call or visit because youre selfish". And yes, once I moved out I didn't call or visit, not because I'm selfish, but I know for a fact if I let my parents have access to me I'd be abused. Growing up with sadistic parents who genuinely enjoyed using me as a physical and verbal outlet for their anger, I learned real quick that if I value myself at all, and if I'm to have any chance at a "normal" life I can't be around them. When I was a kid + teen I was manipulated so many times by false apologies, only to be met with more violence whenever my parents were having a bad day - which was often. Going no contact is a last resort and I truly feel like the parents who were "blindsided" know damn well why their offspring would choose to estrange themselves.
Yes. I wholeheartedly aggree. And we are so proud of you!! It's so hard and yes it often is the last resort. Took me 30+years. I wish I had been able sooner.
@@angelaalston971 and I don’t ! I pay all my bills, rent, and any other expenses and live in a completely different state and have since I was 18 ( I am 26 now) .. I don’t expect anything from my parents. I am an adult with a good job and can pay and provide my own way. They don’t owe me anything either and I don’t expect them to provide me with money or lodging.
The people who go no contact with their parents are brave and mentally healthy. Well done to them for not standing there and taking the abuse their parents dole out.
thank you fren Cozy thrown out on 18th B-day by le Boomers rough start but it's worth it today thank you for super kind words Cozy not going to ever kick tadpoles out Cozy forgive Boomers for being programmed by TV but still no talky
The physical symptoms he described are so real. The first couple times I went no contact were unintentional. Whenever they would call I would start having panic attacks and flashbacks to the point of not being able to function for days.
wow first time i heard someone adressing this! it really hard. and i am still questioning myself if i might be overreacting... EVERY. TIME. and after all these years..
When I went no contact with my mom my life improved substantially. No more judgement, mean words. She just made me feel like garbage and knowing every time we were gonna get together I would end up crying and feeling so frustrated and sad. Best decision I made was going no contact.
Not true, they do change but always for the worse. Experts on Narcissistic behaviour (see Dr Ramani, Les Carter and others) warn that they get worse as they age because all the superficial traits they base their self-importance on start to fade and are no longer drawing supply e.g. looks fade as they age, all their achievements were impressive at 25 but at 45 most people have achieved the nice home and fancy car too.
I return after 20 years and yes you are right, she is still creating drama playing victim all the time, she still doesn't understand why I can't be more close to her.
It never fails to amaze me how lazy these parents are. Most of us want a relationship with them but can’t have it because they’re bad for our health. All they ever had to do was hear us out and understand how they hurt us. Instead, we’re the villains for walking away from another fight. We’re bad for not crawling back into their thorny-rose bush embrace and sobbing pleas to their egos. Theyll say anything to hurt us, but nothing to show they actually care.
I used to work at a nursing home. It was really interesting to see which people had children who visited them frequently, and who had children that never visited them. I’m telling you, and every single case it made complete sense. This very lovely and sweet woman had two adult sons that visited her on a literally weekly basis. I could see how much she loved them and could tell she was a really good mother. The residents that were extremely entitled and cruel complained about their children never visiting, but I could clearly see why they didn’t. I wouldn’t want to be around these people unless I was being paid. They just take no accountability for their actions and blame everyone else.
Yes, the reverse is also true. Some parents have self-centered kids. I’d visit my dad and the sweet lady across the hall had almost zero visitors in a year. In last moments they tried reaching her daughter, and one kind nurse stayed up with her all night. When daughter showed up following day she threw a fit, claimed the staff was negligent etc and tried making their lives a nightmare. Classic projection. And, so you don’t think I’m here to side with parents, I’ve gone no contact with my mom. It’s been a painful road. When her time comes to need care it will not be from me.
Don’t think it’ll make sense for my parent I’ve had to go no contact with… They are REALLY good at putting on a mask/show for everyone else. It’s what kept me around so long, you start to question if you are making things up because they’ll tell you what you saw wasn’t true. Manipulation at its best 😢😪
When my father died and I got the news, I just shrugged and went on with my day. I looked at his on-line obituary and I notice not many others gave much of a whoop either. That's the sort of person he was. I went 'no contact" back when I was 19-20 and never missed him for even a MINUTE in the intervening FOUR decades.
According to the older generation "going to therapy" is just more ammunition for them, to call the person going to therapy "crazy". They will use it against you like "See! You're so f*cked up that you have to go to therapy, just more proof that I was right because you are the crazy one since you need therapy, not me! I don't need therapy so I'm not crazy! It's good that YOU're going to therapy because I've known for years that you're not right in the head, so I'm glad you're going to fix that screwed up brain of yours." They see going to therapy as admission that you think there is something wrong with you which is exactly what they wanted you to think all along. You're the problem, you need therapy, NOT them! You can't force somebody like that to go to therapy because them going to therapy is the equivalent of admission of guilt and they don't want friends their age who have a similar mindset to find out that they went to therapy.
Seems to me that narcissistic parents that even suggest therapy or even the psych ward thinks that it will help their children obey more. But OH THE IRONY if a therapist tells the adult child that the parent is the crazy one and the adult child goes no contact, THEN narcissistic parent claims the therapist is manipulating the adult child. My narcissistic mother found put through my flying monkey aunt that I was going to therapist after I moved out of my narcissistic mother's house for good after she told me if I didn't like it then I could leave her house AND the many times she would threaten me with the psych when I was little. Then she gets mad, plays the victim, threatens that people were going to steal my credit cards (even those she took out credit cards in my name), and claims that my therapist was manipulating me (even though I made the decision to move out not by the therapist's word) I eventually went no contact with EVERYBODY on both sides of my family the second and final time a few years later.
When these abusive parents tell you to go to therapy it's a way of justifying their behavior. You're the crazy one and need psychological help and it has nothing to do with their abuse.
@@whatevernice3452 Sadly not always. During my 20s (2000s and 2010s) I knew dozens of men who didn't talk to their mothers and at least during the that era, which wasn't very long ago, I'd say 95% of therapists, especially female therapists, would deflect blame and try to get you to "understand what your mother might've been going through while raising you". "Have you ever looked at it from her point of view?" "Talking specifically about what she did isn't what's important" . Out of an hour session 45 minutes at least was about me looking for ways to be a "real man" and learn to forgive and forget. Then people why wonder why this generation of males are retreating into the shadows instead of expressing ourselves.
I am Gen X and I was no contact with my mom for probably half my adult life. When I didn’t talk to my parents or my brother I was happiest I have ever been in my life. They are all gone now, and I miss them, but if they were still alive I probably would not be speaking to any of them.
Yeah the younger generations think nobody was doing this before they did it. Gen X started this by having enough of being fucked around and used by their selfish parents. I even know boomers who've done it
@@terriertz5134 you can miss somebody and still not have them in your life. I miss my Dad, I have compassion and empathy for his abusive childhood, but it is time for me to heal from my own abusive childhood and I can not have him in my life. Please keep this a safe place for people to express themselves , our hearts are tender.
Parents wondering why their kids turned 18 or cut them off later in life, it is ALWAYS your fault. YOU were the adult taking care of a vulnerable person who relied on you, and you let them down multiple times. It is ALWAYS the parents' fault
My mother allowed abuse from my stepfather since i was 5. My brothers and i have been no contact with them for years. I even asked her for family counciling in middle school and all she had was excuses. The number of betrayals from previously trusted parents that lead to choosing to go no contact is immense.
As a kid who has gone no contact with a parent I have to say this: cutting out a toxic person from your life can be a healthy choice. You don't owe anyone your peace! And to the person at work who judged me for doing so, I say this; I am so happy that your family is good and trauma free. But don't expect everyone to mirror your life experience.
I've been no-contact with my abusive mother and can honest say its the best decision ive ever made. Don't put up with anyone's abuse just because they're family.
A big reason for not having kids and letting ppl be thoughtful about it! Ppl need to stop pretending like having kids means youll always have someone nearby as you age.
I think that people who have kids just to have a free carer when they're old are being selfish. In an ideal world where the parents and children have a good relationship, the children may willingly offer to help with caring for their elderly parents, but this shouldn't be at the expense of their own life, nor should it be forced upon them.
The audacity of that one woman saying that when we go no contact is "entitled" literally can get f*cked. Its entitled of them to expect a relationship after treating your own kids horribly.
The most Narcissistic generation, the boomers, raised a bunch of people with Narcissistic traits and it freaking sucks. It's hard for us to go no contact. To realize and accept that our parents have NO respect for us as individuals but expect every ounce of respect from us.
The fact is a lot of parents are extremely manipulative and orchestrating, particularly mothers. When their kids are growing up, instead of teaching their child how to be independent and self sufficient, they’re quick to do everything for their child. It makes them seem like such a good parent, but really it’s just laying the groundwork for later manipulation. They use money, things, and other forms of emotional blackmail to keep their kids in line and make them feel obligated to do certain things or to think a certain way. “If you don’t stop dating her, I won’t pay for college.” “Your dad and I are paying for this wedding, the least you could do is invite your toxic grandmother.” “Of course we’ll give you the down payment for your 1st house,” meanwhile unannounced visits become the norm. As you get older, and especially after having your own kids, you look back at how you were raised and begin to see those things truly done out of love and those things masked as love, but were really about control. Some people see it and feel the need to reset hence the temporary or permanent distancing. Some are well aware, but the benefits outweigh the negatives, so they maintain the status quo. While others continue to perpetuate the cycle 🔄 onto the next generation.
Omg! I feel this to my core!!!! Any little thing my parents did for me they threw it in my face! Never noticed when I'd clean their kitchen after a meal, go help them clean their yard after a storm...always yelling and screaming and nothing was good enough!
I’m on year TEN of ZERO contact with MY ENTIRE FAMILY. A mother a father and four older brothers, their wives and their kids, my cousins, my aunts my uncles. When I’m done, I’m done - try me.
I set boundaries after many years, and relatives keep telling me to "forgive", as though I haven't done that for years and years. When is it enough? How poorly do I have to be treated before they accept my boundaries? It's never enough, and they don't respect or care about me. We have to protect and advocate for ourselves.
Next time your relatives harass you can remind them that forgiveness is not reconciliation. That reconciliation takes repentance from the offender and trust.
Forgiveness is an inner feeling of letting go of the anger and pain they caused and not wishing them harm. But forgiveness doesn’t mean putting yourself in harms way to reconcile with someone that doesn’t respect or care for you or didn’t even admites to ever doing you wrong.
They didn't care when I was in car accidents or was being bullied at work or when I told my Mom I had to get an MRI for my vision problems, but anytime they had health problems it was like the whole world has to stop and focus on them. My Dad never called to see how I was or ask me anything and last conversation I had he hung up on me twice even after saying he loved me and I said "no you dont" because that was the first time I ever stood up to him and tell him how hurt I was and he just punished me because I left and so no that's not lobe, that's abuse.
I have three beautiful teenage daughters, and I would never expect them to keep contact with me if I didn't treat them with love and respect. I raised them to have standards with everyone in their lives, and that includes me!
It's not just Millennials and Gen Z. I was on the tail end of the Boomer Generation. I went "No contact" late in life. I didn't do it out of spite, I did it to protect my peace. "That's your *Insert title here*" to which I respond "That is my abuser. Please respect my decision or we can end the conversation now." To the enablers, You are a coward.
I can't stand the people that say "but that's your mom" or "that's your dad" and "they're your family". Not only do they not get it, people like that are dangerous bc they could go behind your back and make contact with "family" that could put you at risk.
The reason it's on the rise is because people are more independent and mobile (ie. able to move around more easily). Around 70 or 80 years ago, most people either stay in multigenerational homes or remain in their hometown after moving out of their parents' house, which make it harder to distance yourself from your abusive family.
The truth is that there are people who have kids because they want someone to love them unconditionally and to never leave them *no matter what*. So, in their minds, a child would never turn their backs on them no matter what. But we have a completely different mindset than them. They also never expected us to think of ourselves as human beings with autonomy.
I don't get how those ppl don't understand that the unconditional love exists without exceptions only when the child is very little. And that it disappears if there is or was abuse or neglect.
This is it! People who’ve battled rejection think a kid is the solution. They believe if they birth it, it could never possibly leave them or not like them. They believe they’ll always have access to that person, no matter what, because it’s their child who they wrongfully believe they own. I’m going through this right now.
I haven't talked to my father in 14 years. He always made me uncomfortable when I was a child, but I didn't know why. When I got older, I realized why I was uncomfortable and told him to stop touching me. (Obviously, he didn't) I bet he still wonders why I dont talk to him. I don't have social media and didn't realize other people are going no contact as well. Im proud of them for doing what is best for their own life and mental health, even if it is hard.
There has always been a long history of parents giving up, neglecting, and going "no contact" with their children. The reason everyone is making a big stink is now more of us are going to therapy (unlike many of our parents) and now the children are fostering more stability in themselves because their parents never did. Some parents consistently risk their childrens physical, mental, and emotional health. Damn Avery at 15:30 sounds like my mom and stepdad but reversed. My stepdad abused us terribly and our mother did nothing to remove him from our home as the abuse escalated. Im happily no contact and working on my future, i have so much more emotional energy to put into the person i want to grow into.
I went NC TWICE with my dad before the age of 18. I will tell all of you right now, from experience, that if you parents really want a relationship with you they will listen and try to understand why you are feeling this way. I'm so happy to say my dad has stopped his abusive behavior and addiction to alcohol after seeing how it was hurting his kids.
This is strange... REALLY I KNOW two girls, who rarely call their moms They're not married, and In their mid 30s It's weird One is starting to talk with Mom lately
Wait...your parents never met their own parents (your grandparents) and now you have no-contact with YOUR parents???? I'm sorry. I don't know if I misunderstood that or if you typed that wrong. Did you mean that your 2 kids never met their grandparents (your parents) because you've been no-contact with them since you were 16????
@marisssa._, her parents either stopped talking with her grandparents before her birth or grandparents died before her birth Considering the topic of not talking with parents by choice, I lean towards OP describing a generational pattern where offsprings stop talking with their parents before having children of their own
Its always easy for people to say "their still your family" or "you should try to make amends", etc when they haven't been through a fraction of the pain that caused the child to go no contact.
My motto with people who say that kind of crap to me is this: "You never went through A DAY of the hell I went through for 14 years. I don't expect you to understand it, but you DAMN SURE don't get to tell me how to feel about it."
Parents couldn't wait for me to move out during the 2008 recession and were constantly telling me I was lazy cuz I couldn't get a job when nobody was hiring. Now they won't shut up about how I never come to visit them.
GenX'er non-contact daughter here. We were hurt, too. Can we not lump GenX with our narcissistic parents. Non-contact is not a new "trend." It's going on 6 years for me, longer for my brother who eventually unalived himself last year.
Parents act like going no contact hit them out of the blue. Rarely is going no contact the response to one incident rather it is a lifetime of futile attempts at setting boundaries against abusive behaviour only to see the parent violate them time and time again and blame you for their disrespect. People who have never experienced narcissistic abuse from parents don't understand that going no contact is not a spur of the moment decision or anyone's first option, rather it is the last resort, you have tried everything else to address the abusive behaviour and finally realise that for your own sanity and safety you must remove these people from your life
I warned my mother that once I move out I'm gone. Did it between the ages of 13 and 18 at least once month when we would have our huge fights. Her responses were everything from "Good, I can use the extra room", "Dont carry my information for when they find you dead on the street", "maybe you can leave now?" When I moved out she threw a fit and pretended it all came out of NOWHERE even though it was a common theme in our house for years. Told everyone I know that I up and disappeared out of nowhere with no warning.
It's because the reality is, they never learned self-regulation of their own emotion. Their emotions are everyone else's problem and everyone else's responsibility to fix (ie coddle). They're toddlers masquerading as 50+ yr olds.
The therapist's comments on this are really important. I'm Gen X, no contact isn't a millennial or gen z thing, it's always happened but generations past wouldn't talk about it and people who didn't understand would say that you have to honor and obey your parents no matter what. The internet has allowed people to not feel alone in their problems and that sharing may make some think it's a trend, but it isn't a trend or a fad, it's always been there. I remember a therapist telling me that I didn't miss my parents, I missed the relationship that I should have with them. No contact is painful for both sides, but when someone goes no contact it's because of circumstances or events that are also very painful. Even though it's painful, there can be a peace in no contact.
People are just living their own lives. I think I went no contact with my parents because I was living my.life and they were not interested in it and I was okay with that.
36F and I told my parents I would attend group counseling, but I would not meet with them privately because of how they operate. I'm still waiting for them to accept my offer and it's been 4 years. I consider myself parentless now.
Consider yourself lucky. I actually had the displeasure of going to therapy with my bipolar, narcissistic mother and all she did was make EVERYTHING I said about her and cry about how terrible she was (in a very "oh pity me" way). Thankfully the therapist ended up seeing through that bs and ended up telling her some real sh!t she couldn't handle. Therapist ended up just seeing me individually. Oh and I've also been NC with my mother for about 3 years now. NC with my father for 6. I'm an orphan in everything except the official stuff.
It took me 3 tries but I went no contact for good with my narcissistic abusive parents seeing that they only get more manipulative and worse over time. I’m not scared for my life and having anxiety or panic attacks anymore. Remove anybody who is predatory and trauma and stress inducing and that includes “family”
Congratulations on your freedom! Don't let the "flying monkeys" get ya and convince you otherwise. I'm a truth teller, so I've been hated by my mother for quite some time.
Yeah, you don't get access to the children I'm responsible for raising. The abuse ends here. With me. I may not be the strongest or the best or the smartest parent, but I'll be damned before I let any side of my family pass on any abuse to these sweet baby angels. Yes, I make mistakes of my own, but I will own those mistakes and do everything I can to do better for them. Am I lonely? Yes. Do I desperately yearn for help or support? Absolutely. But the cost for my own comfort is too damn high. The cost is the mental health of yet another generation of women being ground down to empty husks. Never again.
It's not a trend. Going NC with parents/family is the hardest thing anyone would ever do. It goes against every fiber of our being due to Church and all the societal messages we get regarding parents/family.
Mind you sharing these stories on social media serves as a support group for others who have made the difficult decision of going not contact. It takes a lot of carelessness and mistakes for a child to decide they have to go no contact to keep themselves safe. This is common with parents that treat their children like possessions or trophies; just something to make them feel superior and respected, something to control and care more for their feelings than they could ever muster up for their children.
Millenial (jus turned 33) and planning to go no to low contact with my covert narcissist father and enabler mother in the next six months! Growing up in an enmeshed family sucksss.
If you think of it as "FREEDOM!" rather than "a necessary evil" it goes a LOT easier! It's really the ONLY "weapon" you have against them: your presence or absence in their life.
You got this! It sucks when you have to have an exit strategy to go NC, but YOU GOT THIS! Stay strong and when they try to lay on the guilt trip, remember that they're only doing it because they know they're losing control over you and not because they actually feel bad!
I'm GenX and had to go no contact with my mother. I was so used to her verbal abuse it was normal to me. My GenZ kids talked to me about how upset I am around her and how they don't like her, so why did we need to go around her. I told them they were right and went no contact. My family is much happier now. My sister has done the same, and my brother is on the cusp of it as 2 of his kids refuse to go around her. Toxic people do not need to be in your life. It doesn't matter if you share blood or not.
My dad always let his girlfriend or fiancee or wife whoever he was with he let them to this day treat me and my brother like garbage, he lets his women bully us. My mom always running off to be by herself do whatever she wants .. im concerned theyre gonna come after me for nursing them when theyre old and ive had half a dozen children they almost never help me with... I hope they dont ask me to be their nurse because i will not do it. No.
THIS. My mother cant grasp this concept and she liked to throw "honor your father and your mother" at me, but she cant see that I am doing just that by having no contact with her. Its more honorable to the both of us if I don't create space for old, destructive patterns to cause hurt. Im not healed and strong enough to have a relationship with her while staying mentally healthy for myself and my family, and she's still in denial about things on her end, so estranged we stay.
It took a lot of time, tears, selfhate, journaling and selfmedicating for me to realize that it was easier for my mom to think of me as a bad kid than to think of herself as a bad mother, I get it now. And I used to excuse her behaviour and thought it was all normal, all my fault cos I was such a POS... until I saw how she acted around her friends' kids- who were MUCH naughtier than I was!!- and I realised, oh, so she CAN be nice to people, she just won't be nice to me. I think I finally gave up on her- cos it's hard to admit that your own mother doesn't love you, its both hurtful and shameful- but when I realised that she was also a bad grandmother too I just couldn't do it anymore- you can hate me and treat me like shite as much you want but my kids are innocent and deserve better
I'm an Asian adult child and I cannot understand why western parents who get no contact by their adult children are so entitled to their kids talking to them? Isn't it a big thing in western culture to kick your kids out when they are 18? Don't western kids have to get into debt to pay for their own education? In Asia parents continue to care for their kid even after they become legally adults, generally children get supported until they get a job and then start contributing to the family income, but still live with their parents until they get married, or at least live nearby. So it's a big thing in our culture to take care of your parents when they get older. You don't suddenly just change the nature of your relationship from parent-child to strangers who will not give you a cent, cut all support, and then are surprise when they stop treating you like a parent lol.
I went NC a few years ago. I realized as I mourned that relationship I was mourning the loss of the mother I wanted, not the person my mother actually is.
Hold your head high. Going NC can feel like detaching a limb out of desperation, but just remember that the people who made you FEEL that desperation don't care that they made you feel that way. Build your life around your needs and your safety and no one can harm you. And one day, you breathe easier and laugh in the faces of those who try to suggest that the toxic air they put out is so much better.
'I have asked for us to set down and talk.' My mom says this too, 'talking' translates to 'sit down and let me tell you how it is, why this is all your fault and you're only doing this to hurt me' pity party that turns to shaming a blaming. They are a boot covered in sh*t and you could be their doormat if you let them. They will get you sh*tty with their sh*t then point at you and say 'Hah! Look at how sh*tty you are!' Why would anyone want to have any kind of relationship like that?
(I gave you a thumbs up, so don't be ungrateful.) I am trying to understand you. You are drawing an analogy--a poopie one--but I'd like you to paint a specific example of what they did to you. (My first sentence was a joke btw. I did give you a thumbs up, but the part about you being an ingrate was me joking.)
One of the most difficult parts of therapy is why do I have to work on myself if no one else is working on themselves. Seems like the majority of the world is pretty dysfunctional. A therapist confirmed it was about 85% of people are really messed up. BTW-I’m a Gen Xer. No contact with the man who begat me for 12 years. It has been the best 12 years of my life.
Best thing I’ve ever done for my life was go no contact with my family. Only started to heal then even tho I’d started therapy before , came a long way.
I went no contact from my mom a loooong time ago. As soon as I left her house when I was 21, I kept decreasing contact and I even moved overseas. She had been abusive all my life and I had no intention of keeping her in my life. As for my dad, I keep him at minimal contact because I honestly don't know what it's like to have a close relationship with a father in the first place because he left when I was 3. I also don't keep in contact with family partly because not one of them wanted to help me get out of the bad situation I had with my mom.
I explained again and again what my contact boundaries were, emphasizing what I needed from her in order to resume a relationship, and how far it would go towards healing my trauma, which resulted from a pattern of codependancy and blindness to danger that started in childhood, in the years before and after she got sober... every time it was like she was hearing it for the first time, every time instead of engaging in any examination or ownership was like "oh sweetie just let it go" and I'm like I AM TRYING TO DO THAT WOMAN. I think it was over two years of this before I went no contact for my own mental health. Three years after that she died. Every question I ever had about the circumstances of my childhood were answered by being the executor of her estate.I don't know why she was unable to view her messiest and most unhinged years from the perspective of a small child living alone with her, before her "recovery narrative" began.It was terrifying ESPECIALLY in the years after she got sober. To her, she had made her amends to me when I was 12, the year she got sober, and gaslit me about everything else. The last five years of her life did not have to be that way - my understanding, empathy and forgiveness was available to her, and I wanted to offer it more than anything.Finding it by myself years after her death is a pyrrhic victory, which I would trade in a heartbeat for her trying her best to talk honestly with me, or respecting low contact boundaries set in an effort to be healthy and reduce harm, even done imperfectly... it was patiently explaining them to her again and again while she was bewildered and dismissive at the same time that nearly made me lose my mind. RIP Mary.- may the new "trend" be parents who do not necessitate no contact decisions in the first place.
It was a last resort and I still dont regret it. I tried for YEARS to be heard and I never was. I tried to get them to understand and I may as well have been talking to a wall. Im not shocked these parents are "so surprised" when it finally happens. My parents built a fucking wall around any awareness possible that our relationship was toxic. I just couldnt take the sense of disappointment paired with the constant dashing of hope anymore. Especially the hope that I would one day feel like I was home and loved for the real me with them. Cutting contact didn't solve all of my problems like magic, but at least I'm finally fucking free.
I came to a point of putting myself in my parents shoes and understanding they didn’t have the knowledge or tools we do now. Forgiveness,grace, and boundaries allow me to have my family. Our parents are human.
You sound grown up. This is not to say you need to be besties with your parents through understanding, but yeah… they’re flawed. People are flawed. These kids need to move on. It’s not that much effort to call your mom every once in a while and steer the conversation to less argumentative subjects.
I can absolutely understand realizing our parents are human and are therefore flawed... that being said, sometimes at the end of this examination, you're still left with the fact that your parents STILL chose the worst decisions. They still chose to be unapologetically abusive even if they KNEW how that felt. Our parents are human, yes... so was Hitler. So are the soldiers currently carrying out horrendous attacks on Palestinan children. So are the people who have carried out countless brutal regimes and genocides. Being human and flawed is an excuse that only carries so far.
I have a 19 and 17 year old. I know I caused them trauma due to my mental health issues and 12 year abusive relationship. I've gone to therapy and am working on my relationship with them. My daughter is in college out of state and we talk almost daily when she's there. My son lives with his dad and we talk once or twice a week. I know i was wrong and made bad decisions. These parents will probably never admit that they did also.
Considering how much enabling and echo-chambering the parents who never look at themselves get, good job for taking that accountability and looking inward. It's exactly why you still have a relationship with your children and these fools don't. Keep rebuilding yourself (your own trauma in all of that is valid and you deserve to acknowledge and heal from it) and mending those bridges. Know that you're actually doing better than a good 80% of these parents on tiktok!
My “father” is content telling himself I’m mentally ill and this is all my fault. Couldn’t possibly be all the things he did (and didn’t) do. Not the abuse, the gaslighting, the abandonment… nope I’m mentally ill. The last thing he said to me was “get help”. Don’t need it now that my abuser is out of my life! 😂❤
Facts. My aunt is similar. Tells everyone to get help when she literally torments people mentally. Ofc she’s a gen X. She was my “foster parent” and my gen X parents are even worse.
Yep! Pretty sure my father excuses every bit of abuse he put me and my sibling through by basically telling himself "well, I didn't sexually abuse them!" (which is what his step father did)... it really isn't the excuse they think it is.
Short, cozy story >Be lil Cozy >Raised by vidya games, >Parents toss out Cozy out 18th B-day >Kept state ID card, bitch certificate, Cozy's car >Cozy homeless with no frens or other family >AwwMee recruiter halp get new paperwork and then enlist >16 months later Cozy smack by Afghanistan spicy pineapple >In coma 2x weeks then waking up in D.C. >Father says he's too busy to visit, "iWork son, iWork, son iWork" >No speaky until for 15 years almost to the day father finds Cozy email >Learn parents split up and was nasty in the court >Super nice retirement, VA disability, SSDI before turning 21 they knew about >"Son, my health is declining so I need to move our there with you" >With Mrs. Cozy and our tadpoles no fucking way >"Ahem remember throwing out your firstborn to the Baltimore streets in "20XX?" >Well you're successful now, so I deserve a little of the credit" >Avoid handshake trope but offer paperwork halp to walk to all jobs and apply >"Well son you had to have known day will come" >Reminder to father he threw grandma and grandpa into separate homes >"Son you OWE me I RAISED you taking care of me is the least you owe me >Years later nursing home in ghetto is where father now is, nurse axe and if I want to visit >Cozy pass but relay to him ,"iWork father iWork father" >Nurse explained to me that he was sometimes rude all the time how can I halp >"He's a racist and Cozy promise never to file a complaint" >Father gets that diversity he peached and haven't called heard since FIN
I mean…I don’t really know any of my cousins or aunts/uncles. I did the same but not out of spite or anything. Just staying connected to a bunch of near strangers out of ceremony seems pointless.
The couple with the most crazy making parents turned obsessed stalkers: "Cant believe YOU'D make me a grandfather at THIS AGE"... .... "HOW DARE YOU NOT TALK TO US"...
GenX here Scapegoat Truthteller. Went no contact with narc mom and codependent dad tried to shame me into coming back. She died. I barely have contact with my dad. If my kids decided to go no contact from me it would hurt a lot but I would certainly understand. You have to look out for your own mental health. I may not think I’m doing harm, but I’m not them.
I am a parent to four children, 32, 18, 17, and 15. A few years ago my 32 yo went no contact with her father and I. Unlike some of the parents commenting in/on this video not understanding why their children won’t speak to them any more, and calling it a trend, I completely understand why my child went no contact. The things she has said to me are not wrong, and very valid. My husband doesn’t get it, he’s has the the mentality of most of the clueless parents that she should just suck it up, and move on. That we did the best we could, we’re not perfect so what’s her problem? I however understand the issues with us that she has, and the feelings she has about us as parents. None of her problems are going to be cured with just an I’m sorry, with gifts, or ignoring the problem. She is hurt, and has every right to feel the way she does. If going no contact finally gives her some peace and happiness then that is what I want for her. I did not bring children into this world for them to make me happy. That is not their job, it was mine, and I obviously messed it up. I am very happy that she still relays on my mother, who, if I was honest with myself, I should have gone no contact with. Some of the stuff she put me through as a child warranted just that, but I’m glad I didn’t, because she is a much better grandmother than she was a mother, and with out her, my daughter would be alone. I am not writing this to erase my guilt, or to show how enlightened I am. I’m writing this for other parents whose children have cut them off to understand it’s not a trend, it’s not the cool thing to do. It’s our children telling us that we have caused them harm, and they prefer sanity and happiness over the anxiety and pain of being around people who make them nervous/ anxious, and maybe even fearful. Listen to your kids. Don’t disregard their feelings, and if you truly love them and want what’s best, then be happy in the knowledge that they ARE doing what makes them happy and gives them peace, and are strong enough to walk away from a toxic situation for them.
I’ve gone 20 years no contact with my mom that’s only because she passed away. These parents really screwed up to make their children cut them off completely.
Everyone is assuming the parents are always at fault, when this cannot possibly be the case. Some adult children are self-absorbed, spoiled and ungrateful. Every family is different and some of these parents are not abusers, they just have different beliefs and values. Not saying I condone abuse at all, but any kind of relationship involves give and take. Tolerance is necessary on both sides. Just sayin’
Gen X here. We are the generation that just wants to be left alone. I was no contact with my kids but now they are living with me, brought a spouse and pets with them. Oh well, so much for being left alone.
Parents must take the blame when children became estranged. My daughter was 4 when I divorced her mother. Not long after the divorce my daughter decided she did not like visiting me. Her Mother decided not to force my daughter to visit me. Visits were infrequent. Now my daughter is in her 30s. She does not speak to me. We haven't spoken in over 10 years. She will not explain to me why. My daughter owes me nothing. Now that she is an adult I am sure she now realizes that I do not owe her anything either. I am not open to speaking to my daughter any longer. Yes, it has been painful to be rejected all these years. Acceptance is the answer. I do not bother my daughter or try to contact her. She is a grown adult and has her own life.
