My 14-Year-Old Said She’s Bisexual (How Do We Respond?) 

"I don't get to decide who my kids are attracted to, I get to decide if I love them." I felt that one in my soul.

Tell her you love her and support her. She is Bi not a serial killer.

When you think you can raise your kid by expecting them to follow a set of values without question, you’re raising them to be easily influenced by others

Great point - “Your kids aren’t going to listen to you, they’ll experience you.”

It's hard when you as a child have to hide to protect your parents feelings.

If you are one of the parents who actively say that if your kid identified as LGBTQIA you would disown them or kick them out, you never deserved to be a parent in the first place. Kids don’t choose to be born to hateful parents. Love your kids. Hold them close.

He needs to stop worrying about what other ppl think about them and start worrying about what his daughter thinks of him...

As a teen, I kept so many secrets from my parents. I felt like I had to. Should I have been honest, it would’ve been a (lecture/scolding/disciplinary action/punishment/extreme blow up argument). I gradually just shut my mouth, distanced myself, and would sneak around doing whatever. Kudos to this man, taking the time to talk with his daughter, listen, and love her.

"Your being influenced by your friends too think your bi" " But what will my friends and family think if my daughter is bi"

I don’t get parents who get mad about this when you had the courage to tell them something vulnerable. You only are going to shut down even more.

Crushed kids turn into broken adults.

The 14-year-old *didn't disclose. Her parents "found out." How? That sounds like a trust issue.

PARENTS: DO NOT OUT YOUR KIDS. Even if someone tells you this about your kid, let them come to you. This is the easiest way to shut down the conversation. When I was a teenager, my friends were all bisexual except me. They all “dated” each other, which just means they hung out together. I don’t think they were intimate, but they were all together. Fast forward a decade, they are all in heterosexual relationships. I’m the only one who is gay. Teenagers are still kids. They know what they know right now, and they are figuring things out as they go.

I found out I was bi at 13 while at a youth group retreat. I kept it to myself for six years. That girl has guts for being honest with her parents

Why do people care so much what other people think?! Are they paying your bills? Calling you? Showing up to your events? Are they there for you? Are they supportive of your boundaries? If the answer is no to all of the above, fu** what they think 💁‍♀️

I went through w this w my daughter when she was 10. I just told her that i loved her and accepted it. I did believe that she mightve been influenced but I let her discover that on her own, 4 years later and she's into boys. Told her that she's just learning who she is and that's fine. It's long life journey.

Met at a friend when I was 14 and it was clear he was gay and everyone at school knew he was gay. Years later when we were graduating his father insisted that he get counseling to change if he wanted him to pay for college. So he asked me to pretend I was his girlfriend. He was always gay and knew it from when he was young

Even if you're 100% sure that your child is just going through a phase, DO NOT SAY THIS, do not even suggest that this is a phase. Say "you can tell me anything, I love you, and I accept who you are"

What would i do if my kid told me they're gay, bi etc? Make myself a good hot strong mug of coffee. And mind my own business.

Both of those parents handled that situation way wrong. How they reacted in that second when their daughter came out to them will set the groundwork for the rest of their lives. There’s no going back on that one. I know that because it happened to me and my husband. My son came to us at 17 years and told us he was gay. I knew there were two ways I could react one I can go crazy and say it was not in my values. And completely destroy the relationship I had with my son. Or I could take him in my arms and hug him and tell him everything was OK and that we still loved him no matter what. I did the latter. And today my son is a healthy 30-year-old man in a committed relationship and married to the love of his life. I have such a strong bond with my son and I know it was because of that day and the decision that I made that day to support him. Regardless of how I felt. You can’t control who your children love but you sure in the hell can control how you react. And those parents are going to find out the hard way that they reacted wrong. My son has came to me as an adult and told me that he almost committed suicide at that time he was so scared and confused and scared that we weren’t going to except him. He told me that the way I reacted that day saved his life.

What I heard from the dad is “I love you despite who you think you are, but I hope your newfound (to us) self-knowledge is merely peer pressure, because even though I love you, nobody else will unless you redact these comments. The fact that he is looking for someone to blame indicates he does not accept her sexuality. I hope he catches up with his understanding of these matters. This isn’t comparable to a career choice. It isn’t a choice, for one. And a young teen can’t understand the ramifications of career choices anyway. Dumb analogy.

I’m openly gay and trans with my parents the best thing they ever told me was “I will always still love you no matter what” even if you say u don’t support it like my dad did originally he made me feel loved and appreciated anyway. This dad is doing amazing and props to him ❤

19 now. I was 10-11 when I started realizing I liked girls too even tho I could tell that I wasn’t the same as girls around me when I was 6 or 7. I told my mom when I was 12 she got mad and told my dad. Dad got mad pretended he wasn’t. Every day since then I’ve been living in survival mode. I wish everyone had as much compassion as you dude.

I’m 38 and still never told my parents I’m bi. I know the response I would have gotten

I didn't dare say anything. I fortunately am heterosexual. When I was 16 I was dating someone my parents referred to as a "slanty-eyed Jap." He was half Japanese. What a poor example for me to follow! My parents never told me they loved me. In fact my mother told me I would be "sent to a home for incorrigible children" if I didn't behave. I was also told on the day of my first period at 13 that I would "have to leave" if I got pregnant. I was made to feel I was a burden on them. I was told they "didn't want another one like me" when I asked why I did not have a brother or a sister. I think they felt they could not afford another child. However, money was never discussed with me. We were lower middle class in the 1950s and 1960s. When they died I was left nothing and my father's good friend who was pissed off said he had $125,000 dollars ( in 1976). I didn't shed a tear at the funerals. I was glad they were gone. I hated them. There was no joy living with them. I got out when I was 20. I am now 75. I have forgiven them with the Lord. But I still don't like them and am glad they're gone.

So clearly these parents are not really calling for their daughter. They are saying the "right" things but secretly hoping she's not bisexual cuz she's easily influenced... calling to see how they can " fix " her. He said " I guess I'm going to have to live with the shame." Think about that.The conversation just gets me angrier "we can't make her do anything ". There is nothing wrong with your kid!@

This was amazing advice for the man with a bisexual daughter. I am bisexual and never told my father for the reason of fear. If I knew he would tell me “I love you” instead of shame me, I can bet we would have a stronger relationship.

As someone who came out late in life (i knew much earlier, but came out in my 30s), i think a lot of people don't realize how much influence and pressure there is to be STRAIGHT - look up "compulsory heteronormativity" - even moreso in religious households. I had no representation growing up. I didnt even really know what "lesbian" meant. Kids these days have a lot more representation, and with laws in place to protect queer people - fingers crossed it stays that way - which makes it easier (for many) to discover this about themselves earlier in life. AND s*xuality can be fluid for a lot of people. It can change. This doesnt mean it was never true to to begin with. And also, if she's bi but ends up dating/marrying a guy, does not erase the fact that she's bi (assuming this is called bi-erasure). I'm glad the dad recognized how damaging the first conversation with his daughter was - especially as a religious man. Im no longer a Christian, but i respect Christians who are able to open their world-view, and truly "love thy neighbor" and change things in themselves to do so, instead of the fake "love" that so many have (the "i love them, but I dont believe this core thing about them is right, and therefore dont believe they should have the same rights as my straight family" BS that so many spew, because thats not love at all).

You’re advice is actively changing my life everyday. I watch your videos on topics that don’t even pertain to me and I am still able to take something out of it. I feel like I am a better mom, better sister, daughter, coworker by your words and everyday guidance. Great work. Know that you are doing Gods work on a completely different level. Thank you for giving me some tools to put in my tool belt to take life head on.

I’m so confused why parents think this needs to be a discussion. It’s as big a deal as your child telling you they have a crush. Be excited for them and move on. If they change their mind later, that’s okay too.

Instead of living with the shame why not just be proud of your kid

" kids aren't going to listen to you , they're going to experience you " TRUE!! 🎉🎉😮😮😲😲 Go dr. Delony !!! 👏👏👏☝️☝️☝️

Wow. The mother here is a terrible homophobe. The daughter may be bi or she may be trying to fit in. It doesn't really matter. Support her in any case.

love that Dr. John meets every caller with compassion before anything else. You rock Dr. John!

This 14 year old is lucky to have such a caring Dad! Dr. John did a great job with this too!

Your sexuality is not something that can be influenced. It is what it is. If someone tells you they are something, don’t try to disprove that, just accept it and know that it can very well ebb and flow for many many many many years. From 16-24 I went from bi to gay to pan and back and forth again until I found myself.

Unconditional love and acceptance is the only acceptable response.

parents need to learn their kids are their own person you can't force them to be who they want to be .

She had every reason to hide this. The judgment was immediate. She is who she is it has nothing to do with morals.

I’m absolutely amazed that Ramsey got someone as incredible as Dr. John Delony to join his group. He’s such a class act, such an open-minded, empathetic, and just flat out intelligent individual and he’s the diamond in the rough of the entire Ramsey Group

I was a gay kid, so I had a lot if secrets from my mom. And I was never wrong about hiding anything from her. There were times, when I thought to myself, if she discovers a secret, she'd tell this, that and that. And when, she eventually did discover a secret, she'd tell exactly, word by word, what I thought she'd tell. And I'd be laughing hysterically in the middle of a "hard talk".

I told my non-abusive parent almost everything. Almost. Said parent made it clear they didn't think it was healthy to be anything other than straight, and that there was something wrong with people who weren't. They were compassionate about it, but I knew what they thought - so I never told them I was questioning my own sexuality, and to this day they have no idea I'm bi. They missed out on a chunk of my life because of that open disapproval. That disapproval didn't stop me from being who I am; it just made me hide that part of myself.

I am a straight, 33 year old woman, who no longer speaks with my tyrannical, controlling, overbearing Catholic mother. It was because of HER that I left the Catholic religion and I didn't want to be ANYTHING like her. If my mother was like Dr. John, it would be a different story. If this man’s wife wants any relationship with her child, she will change her cantankerous behaviour NOW.

As a bi woman who didn't tell her parents for a literal decade after I figured out out, everything John said is right. And my intuition about not telling my parents was right. And because of how my parents have constantly talked down to me and belittled everything I've ever said and done, I only see them at weddings and funerals and only talk to them when I'm obligated to. It took so much for me to come back from how they made me feel and to feel like a whole person again. When your kids tell you something, just listen. Everything is fluid. Your kids are fluid, your own views are fluid. Everything can change. But when you do or say something cruel, your kids will remember forever.

When I came out to my dad (I asked my mum to tell him) he didn’t say with words that he loved and accepted me he took me to a drag show. I love him so much

Our sons and daughters are not problems for us to solve, or any other label we can put on them. Amen, brother.

To the first caller, I love that Dr. John said “tell me more about that” “how do you know?” Open ended questions are the best way to find out more and see where their heads at, instead of shutting the child/teen down.

I still haven't "come out" to my religious parents, just don't see the point. You don't need anyone's approval for how you feel.

My parents had a similar reaction to finding out that I’m bisexual. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t able to tell them myself. My sister went through my phone, found messages of me talking to a girl, and she showed them to my parents. Got home from school one day and they sat me down to talk. Worst day of my life to this day.

I got a terrible reaction from my parents when I told them I was bisexual at 17. Now they know nothing about me or what really goes on in my life. They know a fake me very well. So if you don't want that, then accept your kids

This brought me to tears. My dad passed away but I could tell him everything without feeling like I was a disappointment. He always gave me great advice. My mother acted the way his wife did and let me tell you I never told my mom anything…

I am a therapist and I can't tell you how many times parents come to me wanting me to "fix" something with their kid that can be solved with good boundaries. I can't make your kids not addicted to technology if you don't put limits on the technology.... John- my husband and I are low tech parents. Our kids to watch some age appropriate TV and the occasional family move but no personal devices.

Would you think she was being influenced if she was straight? Such a weird statement.

I’m glad John’s take was very nuanced with the father. Need more dads that really love their kids no matter what.

When I was 14 I was 100% convinced I was gay. 20 yr old me knows I’m 100% straight😆, but what I would have wanted to tell my younger self is this: “You might be gay, you might not be, but in the end it’s not something u even need to worry about right now. Rather than stressing over the “sexuality label” you feel you need to find-just focus on school, friendships, & living your life. Then when you’re older and ready to start dating, the right person will come and you’ll have a lot more clarity” In my opinion the media puts a lot of pressure and importance on a sexuality label-offering lots of options & making kids feel like they need to pick one. But I wish I didn’t stress over it b/c when you’re that young it doesn’t even rly matter-time passes & things just work themselves out

I don’t like when people conflate sexuality with lifestyle or values. They are NOT related. You cannot choose your sexuality. You are biologically driven to be attracted to certain characteristics. A child going through puberty, discovering they might be attracted to the same sex is not deciding to marry and raise kids with the same sex. They are not deciding whether it should be accepted by society, they are saying how they feel. When you say “this is an unhealthy lifestyle” what they hear is that they have to live their life in an unhappy relationship with someone they are not attracted to. You cannot change their sexuality and make them normal as much as you (and probably they) want. If you tell them “these are not the values which I taught you” or “these are bad values,” what they hear is “you will never be accepted by me or by society,” or “you should be upset with yourself because of this thing that you can’t control.” You are telling them that they are broken and they will live their life trying to fix something they can’t. This is what drives so many lgbt people to be depressed and suicidal. They are not gay because someone else told them it is okay to be gay. They are gay because that is how they feel they are. Sexuality is not always clear. Despite what people tell you, it is not black and white, you can be attracted to any combination of feminine and masculine characteristics, or none at all. Growing up we don’t know, and over time we might realize that maybe we don’t like things we thought we did, but our sexuality hasn’t “changed,” we are simply more aware of our preferences. When you ignore how they feel and instead focus on the lifestyle consequences or societal perceptions of how they feel, you are feeding their insecurity and driving them to be depressed. This is exactly why they are afraid to tell you because they already know it’s not acceptable and they fear that judgment from who they care about most. Pride exists not to make people proud of their sexuality, but to help people not feel shameful of their sexuality.

This is a heavy episode - and I am ever and ever more impressed with Dr. John's wisdom.

So, I'm older than Jon and I don't dislike his advice but it's a lot of words. If my daughter came to me and told me she's bisexual, I'd thank her for trusting me enough to tell me and give her a hug. At 14, he may be right, she may just be under the influence of friends and not really bisexual but don't say that. She'll find out soon enough. There is nothing he can do to influence his daughter's sexuality. His bigger problem is his wife who is probably well-intended but unnecessarily hurting her relationship with her daughter.

The mom ruined that relationship for life. When my youngest daughter came to me as a teenager saying she thought she was bi.. I said awesome.. me too!! Now let's talk because I didn't have someone I could talk to when I was your age

What would you say if she came to you and said that she was straight? There you go. I hate the phrase "I love you even though..."

Dad's in denial. Kid's bi, dude.

Love listening to your show. You give sound, competent and very empathetic and sympathetic advice. Love love love it 👏🏽👏🏽. You are sensitive and not judgmental

Dr. John, I really appreciate hearing these videos because you help so many people with such sound, clear and caring information and insight.

I'm sorry but what is the worst case scenario, she is bi, what's the issue?

She’s fine. At least she’s alive and healthy

I love the idea of learning to require "proof" from our feelings. I know many, not just young ones, who'd need to learn to do that! Thank you, as always, Dr Delony and team. Rockstars! All the love and respect to that father, who despite his fears and beliefs, was willing to reach out and ask for help, the better to support his daughter. All the love and respect to that mother, who remains vigilant of her son's well-being. All the love and respect to that woman, who will stand for her safety, and that of her family.

Am I the only one who thinks they shoulda just been like okay, we love you no matter what, and then just let her grow out of it if I believe it’s a phase

Dr. John is the kind of man I want to be. So much knowledge and understanding

She's going to figure herself out eventually. We're all a work in progress forever. If this is just a phase then that's fine. Let her work through it. This idea of "this Identity might follow you around forever" -- so what? So much shame and vanity in that response.

Speak support, love and praise to them for being their true authentic selves! For feeling they could tell you. We as parents need to realize we will not always agree with or understand our kids and that's OK too. 🤎

I have a four month old and my husband is just like this sweet father that called and I am feeling so good knowing I will raise a child with an emotionally intelligent partner.

I was born in the 80s to very religious southern parents. I was sent to a private school and sheltered all my life with no outside influence. I knew I was bisexual by age 12 but hid it all my life in fear of losing my family. I finally couldn't anymore and admitted it to them in my early 30s. They haven't seen me in over a decade now. They blame my now wife for corrupting me but I've had girl crushes since high school. I wish I could have been honest.

"I'm so glad that you feel comfortable enough with me to share that with me. You can be whoever you want to be as long as you're not hurting anybody! I'm proud of you for being so courageous and introspective!" End of conversation 🤷

Bro this sounds exactly like me and how I grew up except I’m the daughter in this first situation. This advice is amazing and I want to also commend this dad for taking his daughter aside and having that conversation.

Love the lyrics today ❤️ I used to two step to that song at a country bar when I lived in San Diego. Thanks for the memories!

Your response to the dad reaffirming his love for his daughter was amazing

Thank you so much for your advice Dr Delony. I needed to hear much of what you said today.

Thanks for addressing such an important array of topics regarding parenting. I’ve shared this with a few close family members and friends did. I have two very young children and I’m constantly thinking about how to approach adolescence while being mindful that it all starts right now as well.

John you are an amazing father. It takes a real man to admit they may have not handled something properly and to ask for advice. I am straight but still thank you tons for caring about your relationship with your teenaged daughter! Keep it up

😂 “the 17 people listening” 😂

I never understood parents who aren't respectful of this. I came out to my parents and their response was "We don't care, we love you." and that is the perfect response.

Woot!!! Moving to 17 listeners Dr D!! 👏 it used to be 16 😂😂😂😂

My dad has a daughter from another woman. She is a lesbian. My mom has never even met her and always called her terrible slurs behind my dad’s back. I think I was 13 or 14 when this was happening. She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn’t think she could love me the same if I was a lesbian… I learned that day that my mothers love was conditional. And though I am not a lesbian, that statement always made me feel that I could never fully be myself to my mother… she was not a safe person.

Great conversation... I have so much respect for you.

The mom messed up. ‘These aren’t our values’ is exactly the wrong thing to say to your kid who is trying to figure themselves out

The first caller almost had me in tears. What I would have given to have had that when I came out to my parents. That is the best way you could ever handle your kid coming to you with something so impactful.

The advice is so good. Almost made me tear up.

Great advice from John. I will take on these values as a parent.

I am a lesbian and I was watching this with baited breath. Great response. The parents need to give their daughter the space to be herself.

I knew I was bisexual at 10 (I’m 31 now). I didn’t feel the need to declare it until I was 28 and I was seeing a lot of LGBTQ+ hate in my area. I did so out of solidarity more than my own personal reasons. In my mind, it’s silly that LGBTQ+ people have to “come out” and straight people don’t… That’s just my personal view on it. Anyway, if a person comes out to you about something at any age, take them seriously. It can be scary for that person and they’re taking a risk by trusting you. Be kind. Be compassionate.

I posted on social media during last pride month (my friends/important people in my life already knew). The difference between my mom & dad’s reaction was beyond hurtful. My dad was completely accepting & understanding, while my mom made it about herself. She was worried about other family members knowing & in my eyes, cared more about appearance than loving me unconditionally. I overheard her say many incredibly hurtful things. All this to say, parents- just accept & love your kids no matter what. Judgement & caring what everyone else thinks will only hurt your relationship long term.

Delony is the best part of the Ramsey company.

My opinion is the first caller and his wife already failed their daughter. They better get on the same page fast. It could takes years if at all for her to trust her parents.

Father is overly focused on what other people think.

gotta say that first convo, i was worried how you would respond but i respect you so much more for how you did. approached it and conveyed it far better than i would have

I loved this episode and they way you responded. Also I checked the song and I’m hooked on “That Look” 😄 very catchy

I just listened to a girl’s testimony on Delafe Testimonies of how she was addicted to horror movies and porn…and other things she had been dealing with. It was a great testimony.

Yay!! I don't do sleep over either. Thanks Dr. John. I don't feel like a crazy overly protected mom.

When you started talking about country music I heard your Texan. As a fellow Texan with very little Texas accent I appreciated hearing it.

Her sexual preference is hers alone. Love her and support her.