Respectfully, I call it my trash radio. 😂 it’s not at all like the trash TV I grew up on though- it’s more like I’m the trash because there are definitely other things I need to be doing and can be doing while listening!! Waiting for the commercials for ITTTech
My husband is my biggest confidant. I can’t imagine not having him be my favorite deep conversationalist because that’s one of his main roles in my life.
I’m really happy that you’re fortunate enough to have a husband that is your closest confidant. I’d imagine that y’all have a great marriage because of this, and the trust and comfort it provides. I so wish to have that one day with my hubby…not sure it’s going to happen though, but I’m still here trying because it sucks without it - there’s definitely a missing piece and a little side eyeing going on at all times lol. Wishing you continued happiness and success for decades to come 💜
I couldn’t imagine not talking to my husband. He rushes home after work every day to see us. We chat about his day when the kids are in bed & literally talk up until we fall asleep
I'm a 34 year old woman and I literally have to text my husband anything that is difficult. Trust me, it is BETTER than not saying it at all. If I had to say it in person, my mind goes blank, I start panicking, going into fight or flight mode etc. but if I have given him a big block text, we can then talk about it not problem. I just think it's a different mode of communication. It was such a deep relief when I realized that I could write things down and just send/hand it to him. I had a lot of childhood abuse and simply don't feel safe telling people difficult things in person.
I'm glad you guys found something that works for you. I'm long distance with my fiance' now, and it's difficult to not speak in person. We call and message several times a day, though, and he visits when he can.
It’s like I wrote your comment!! 😂 I’m exactly the same, I find it hard to start the deep conversations for the same reasons as you. It’s just how I can open deep conversations or else I generally don’t bother and just bottle it up. It’s not good but it’s better than not saying it at all as you said. I came from a childhood where I wasn’t allowed an opinion or to voice how I was feeling, was either told to be quiet or it didn’t matter. I never addressed that as I got older and so I struggle. My husband was/is the same but he learned to just ‘get on with it’ and doesn’t address things either… 😔 Not sure how we’ve made it to 28 years together! Haha But we have and we love each other and we have just managed to make it work, but I am going to work on trying to get a better emotional connection with him for our future. I’m 48, Hubby is 50… it’s time!!! 😂
Aww I'm so glad I'm not alone! And I didn't mean in the original comment to be all "my trauma, wahhh" but more like, because of my family of origin being what it is, I accept that I have to sometimes change the mode of communication so I can do it better. I don't remember ever feeling safe as a child and while my husband is wonderful and safe, I still jump back to "my opinion/feelings are not acceptable"
@@ceewng5042 I hear you!! I think we’re sisters 😂 Although when/if I text I do it so it’s out there, and then we discuss it later. We don’t really have the full conversation by text, it just means I can write the words/approach the subject that needs discussing, ‘the brief‘ is out there and then I don’t get myself in a state of anxiety worrying about how to start the conversation in the first place etc haha Oh I’m a nightmare!! 😫 I wasn’t taught and I didn’t learn to speak my feelings and I’m a grown a** 48 year old who still can’t, it’s ridiculous 🤦🏻♀️ and he’s a man that cannot and does not talk about his feelings! It’s crazy! But I’m going to work on it from my side and see if it encourages him to talk more - I may have to text him!! 🤣 Dr Johns show has me realising I have SOOooo many things I need to work on and over come that I haven’t ever dealt with and just plodded through life accepting ‘it is what it is, get on with it’ attitude, instead of feeling fulfilled and happy in my core because I got all the bad stuff that damaged me GONE!!
During the early stages of dating I always ask about 1) debt & finance 2) std including addictions 3) any entanglements with exes 4) mental illness and 5) any convictions. IDGAF if he gets mad and leaves.
@@blueseptember2174 You have to be discerning. All sunshine and sunflowers are definitely red flags. I insist on getting an std check if I see the relationship getting serious, for example. I also compare our credit scores. Like I said, IDGAF and am willing to walk away.
@santafilipina9020 credit checks and std checks are easy. You have a paper report in your hand. The other stuff. Hidden addictions, they usually hide. Sometimes you just find yourself tricked or feeling tricked later on.
I like how John addresses that it's not just inevitable that the husband will be addicted and lie, that each partner gets to say what they will allow in a relationship and the other person can participate and be the partner the other needs, or they can renegotiate the partnership.
Not if you have someone who actually loves you and respects you. A lot of people in these relationships are with partners who are just putting up with them or don't actually care. That's when things get hard.
like anything in life, your relationship is what you put into it. marriage is great, don’t let a few isolated comment determine that for you. it’s work but it’s also great if your willing to put in the effort.
@@MisterNightfishworse in what ways, that you’ve witnessed? Because I have not seen a person suffer or die from being single but we see both every day with marriage.
My husband and I don’t have deep conversations, never have. We obviously talk about our day and things that are going on and about the kids etc but never been deep talkers about the important stuff. He’s doesn’t do deep conversation. Been together for 28 years this year, it’s never really worried me as we communicate in our busy lives and it’s been fine but our now young adult children will fly the nest within the next couple of years and it’s been weighing on me heavily that once they’re gone I’m not going to be ok. It has taken me finding Dr Johns channel to realise we need to start putting the work and effort in now if we’re going to survive and make it without the kids 😢
Why put your kids in that position? Seems like other than having the kids in your relationship there wasn't anything else? You should celebrate them being gone and start your travels and activity plans ! Get some hobbies to fill the gap in time that they are gone. Enjoy your freedom and do some fun stuff like volunteering or get into some groups of empty nesters to have support from there and be happy on a job well done raising them well enough that they strike out on their own! Good job momma bear!
Just curious as a wife who loves deep emotional conversations, how do people NOT have those talks? Seems like I’m on the total opposite end of the spectrum I feel like I rarely engage in small talk.
@@kiesh82we are together every evening after work and spend most weekends together. We have far less conflicts with the kids out of the house. He actually picks up after himself and cooks more without the kids around. We don’t have a lot of deep conversations because we have different view points on almost everything. We do enjoy each other’s company.
my husband is the same. we can only talk about really important things for example about the kids running errands etc. then he meets almost every night his friends and is not tired talking to them. but he has no desire or energy talking to me. for a long time i thought that i am boring etc. but my friends, co workers and even stranger give me so oft compliments and positive feedbacks about me. so everyone likes me and loves to having conversations with me, except my husband. i asked him why, he cant answer and stays silent. then he starts a fight and writes only messages to me
Dr Dolony is such a sweet Dad. I love hearing little stories when he talks about his kids he just lights up. Thanks for helping so many people with so many extreme and delicate issues ✨️
@theshunnedBandersnatch I wish they would. The only reason I found out is because I decided to research them first and also see others' experiences. I want to get help in therapy for my current issues and not end up needing therapy for any better help trauma I develop.
@@Tigrika16 I'm so glad you researched before jumping into using them. Not doing any therapy is better than being traumatized by a bad therapist. I hope you're able to find a provider that can help you 💙
Listening to this, I’m very thankful that my bf is not afraid of having hard conversations in person. He’s so willing to listen to understand not just listen to respond. It’s hard for me to bring up hard conversations but I’m working on getting better. I think that’s because in a past relationship I never felt heard and my current relationship. He tells me that my feelings are just as valid.
I love this for you. I wouldn't be with my boyfriend if we couldn't have deeper discussions and if we didn't feel safe being vulnerable about the past, things happening presently, and working through conflicts that arise. We let each other feel heard.
Most likely why everyone prefers text. Gives time to think out the conversation instead of having to speak on the fly and say something poorly received
When my gorgeous now 38 yo daughter was a teenager we were struggling and for some reason she decided to communicate with me by writing in rhyme. So I responded in the same way and that's how we got by for a short time. Just different ways of communicating. She chose rhyme and that was good enough for me. It worked for us. We have a laugh about it now.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression for at least 20 years. I've avoided seeking help and medication so I have no one to blame but myself. No one would know that I have depression because I hide it. I have a full-time job that pays well and recently bought a townhome so I should be happy.
I'm sorry to hear that 🤗 As someone who has had depressive episodes, have had major depressive episodes, currently working through a "functional depression" period, why have you avoided seeking help? You've avoided following through on you intrusive thoughts. What's stopping you from seeking help, even though your mind has convinced you it's pointless?
The thing that got me out of depression was seeking a purpose for my life. These purposes changed over time the more I learned and how my life changed. Oddly enough, my first purpose was to do everything I could to get better so I could help others like me who have depression. I started out eating well, exercising and exploring spiritual beliefs. Basically Navajo have this thing called Hozho, it's all encompassing healthy. Mental, physical, and spiritual health. So I focused on that first. That usually can start something. My boyfriend and I were talking about the difference between happiness and fulfillment. Being friends with others, helping my family, raising children etc. it can get difficult and can honestly not make you happy sometimes but it can make a person feel fulfilled. Or even offering something to the world, I'd imagine. Like being a scientist, a computer guy, a plumber I mean anything. It's like feeling needed feels fulfilling. Everyone has something. 100% You can offer something to the world that no other person can. I believe that as a fact. Just sharing.
Don’t confuse depression and unhappiness, they are not the same thing. If you have tried self help like getting regular exercise, having your vitamin D checked and resolved any deficiency, having regular social connections that are uplifting, and maybe journaling, maybe it is time to seek outside help. Also, many people have said they experience less depression on a Keto or very low carbohydrate diet. I personally do find that eating high amounts of carbohydrates, while it feels good in the moment usually results in a dip in mood the next day. This is not true for everyone, but it might be worth a try. I personally have found that supplementing vitamin D vastly decreased my depression as well as decreasing the number of “colds” I get. Obviously I am not giving medical advice, just sharing my experience. Depression is not generally a result of lack of good things in your life, though often a trauma, physical or emotional, loss of a loved person or pet can result in “reactive depression “, which usually passes over weeks or months. However it can persist and in such cases short term medication may be helpful. I am sending you virtual hugs because I have battled this for at least 45 years, having long periods of relief, but a few times that were very difficult. I have taken both SSRIs and SSNIs with improvement, and with no response, right now I am not on either, and am doing well.
Don't should yourself. I do that sometimes, too and it's not fair. My feelings are valid and so are yours. They are telling us something and we can learn from them. Good luck!!!!
I resonate with the call from Corey too 😢 My SA as a child messed with my life and definitely affects my s*x life. It’s been really hard for my husband and me: I seriously must get the help and therapy I never got! My poor husband really dipped out when he met me yet he adores me and has loved me regardless I owe him a new happier me! Dr John, your podcast has made me realise so many things I need to address and things I need to work on, thank you so very much ❤
@@louisebrooks4044 I don’t know where my reply went 🤔 Thank you, I am lucky, he’s a good man. He’s my backbone even if we don’t really communicate on an emotional level and need to…
Sometimes people send texts as a "heads up", to prepare for the conversation. Maybe he is just opening the door to see if you will come in with open arms. I love the feedback you offered her Dr. ❤
Why can’t people be alone? It’s safer and you can work on yourself without putting any childhood trauma onto them ❤ No kids THANK GOD, single 5 years on purpose and the happiest I’ve been!! Omg people you won’t die!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm happy being single. I've done 14 years, twice, but now I'm not doing it any more, things are so much more peaceful. I can do my hobbies, work, etc, still have my pet, and I'm not lonely. It's soothing and nice.
I’d believe you but that last sentence is a little extreme. Happy people don’t want other people to die and put multiple exclamation points behind the statement.
@@bethanymiller3838 unless the original comment was edited, I think you must have misread it--they aren't saying they want people to die, they're reassuring people they won't die from not being in a romantic relationship ;)
My wife’s favorite weapon against me is to ignore me when she can’t be in total control of everyting and everyone in her life. Throughout our marriage that’s her fall back. It hurts so much and she doesn’t care. 2023 was a very quiet year. I could barely get any response from her on any topic. I just don’t exist is her message to me. She seems to get pleasure from it and it’s quite disgusting. I rarely never know what the problem is and on the few occasions that i do, its complete pettiness and overreaction to ice me out. We are just roommates now and i don’t think there is any way to salvage or repair all the damage. It’s a horrible and depressing experience that i never deserved.
It's also emotional abuse which is wrong. Time for a our marriage needs to change conversation. I need you in this with me, individual and couples therapy, reading communication/conflict books, making an effort...or we need to consider separation.
I hope something has gotten better in your marriage in the last 3 months, man. This is sad to think people are dealing with this for an extended period of time. I understand ignoring your partner for a day after a fight maybe but continuously? Nope. She may be checked out but she can choose to check back in. If you have kids she is settinf an AWFUL example for them. Maybe you should see if you and your wife both can call the good Dr John.
omg this is my husband to a T. in fact he speaks to me so little in our home...it is the most lonely I have ever felt. Top that off with him moving us to his dream state of Alaska where we have no friends, family or support....it soul crushing lonely. I have no way to leave him, and he even drove my son to say he is never coming home again because of how manipulative and cruel he is.
Emily has shown great courage. It is so saddening to hear the amount of callers dr John referring to this “addiction”. My ❤ really wants to support Emily. I am an emotional person myself and it is hard to hear you tell someone that if they want to have a constructive conversation they have to plan it or write a letter about it. Making feel Emily wrongful because she got emotional on a text reply … she is not the problem here .. and she has every right to be emotional… will it solve anything… no … I know this may not make any sense … addictive behavior is in the realm of irrationally… is there really any amount of rational conversation that will make a difference??? Like saying: if you do this again, this is what’s going to happen… is a rational threat more operational than an emotional reaction ??? I believe that our emotions can be wiser than our reason especially with irrational behaviors . Emily had felt that he was going off the deep end and confronted him. I wish she had said I don’t believe you … when he lied to her. I am all over the place but making Emily as part of the problem because she had an emotional reaction is wrong Dr John. Problem solving does not have to be in steps by steps measured move … something wild and new may need to occur and surface for a behavior to change ! ❤
Porn contributed greatly to my divorce ..... My ex felt entitled to porn, and I viewed it as infidelity. If your husband doesn't get help for his porn addiction, he's not going to stop.
I have a sister with NPD who was an emotional terrorist starting when I was 3 and she was 5. It got worse every year. Im also in healthcare. It was hard to prioritize my needs while working long shift work paying of my student loans. Its such hard work exposing wounds of how that chaos made me feel. Its hard to make boundaries as my mom defends my sister (theres codependency there). Now I have physical disability where I need my parents help, Im forced into lowering my boundaries. It took her seeing my brain pressure rise and becoming bed ridden from the ptsd inducing this in me, did she finally realize how bad it is. My dad stays out of it. Ive tried..a lot. I remind my mom that she is not the person who gets to gatekeep my health. Its not asking a lot to visit for a few weeks a year from 3 hrs away (and difficult to travel) when my sister lives 4 mins away. Its feally frustrating as no one has chosen my mental wellbeing except for me. I just want someone to be on my side for once and really mean it.
I have a big sister with NPD as well. I never felt connected to her and she always hated me. I’ve come to realize I do not need her on my life and that my life didn’t benefit from her and her toxic life being in it.
Some people do this because it's the only way to not get interrupted, shouted down and invalidated. For some people it's the only way to communicate. Speaking from experience.
The more I watch these videos I think there isn’t a show or time slot big enough or long enough for if I called in 😂 I can hear Dr John now “go back, before that, what happened when…” 3 hrs later we’d still be going through the HUGE list of trauma and issues I have never addressed!!! 😫🤣
This type of men do not want to talk about it they do not want to resolve it. You can have the best sex life and when theres porn addiction its terrible. Its a tough spot to be in😪
Laura from Ontario, please look into low grade auto immune issues. Depression can be caused by many things, and diet can impact your mental health dramatically. Consider a very strict elimination diet for a month, such as the Whole 30 or the GAPS diet. You will possibly find it to be very revelatory and perhaps even free you from the low energy issues very quickly. It is not an easy thing to do to follow a strict diet for a month, but its so worth it!
I had an ex that is smarter than me and very manipulating in person. The only way I was ever able to express how I felt without him absolutely obliterating me in the conversation was through text. It allows me to reflect on the conversation and respond without being emotional. However, my most recent guy was never trying to manipulate me, and he was great at hearing me out and not making me emotional. So 99% of our hard conversation are in person. I only had the problem with the one ex just trying to always "win" the argument. So, I am glad that Dr. Delony pointed out that she may also be part of the communication problem.
Thank you for sharing, I'm 14 years married to a porn addict, the lies and the deception have ruined our lives. As impersonal as text messages can be, cherish the intention of being honest and forthcoming, that he is able to do that even as a FYI is a huge indication that he is making a conscious effort, that text is his conscience. my situation is all the way around,he lies, denies, gaslights etc. He has never come up to me to say "hey I had a relapse" or at least a yes, "it's true I have been watching". On the contrary I have to gather physical proof and even like that he tries to twist and deny. To the extent that he tried to put it on our 12 years old son using his phone to watch. Fortunately for my son, the search history records the location of where the searches are being accessed. 80% came from his Job. 14 years of marriage not once he has his own accord come clean. That text would have meant the world to me... Another perceptive.
My husband avoids me all the time. He is petrified of any conversation that isn’t rainbows and unicorn farts. He greatly fears serious conversation and reality. This is probably because of what he saw growing up with his parents. He is/was a pervert/predator/abuser in supposed recovery. But in actuality he just ignores, ignores, ignores as a way to escape reality. He tries to escape life which includes me, his own wife. Whenever I am present he leaves or goes to bed. He sets his schedule in a way that we have opposite sleep/awake hours so he doesn’t have to be around me. We sleep in separate bedrooms too. I feel like we are distant roommates rather than a married couple.
You should check out the book Married & Alone by Dr. Doug Weiss. Your not alone in this situation. There are thousands of women out there who can relate, willing to listen and help you navigate this "marriage" you found yourself in. There are also groups and lots of resources that if your husband is eventually willing might help him get better.
I have BPD, and I used to be a sex maniac. Tons of sexual trauma, in my childhood. Since I became sober, my relationship to sex has changed COMPLETELY, and I feel so frustrated, and betrayed by my own body. The second i feel any sort of arousal, my body seizes up, and has a major fear response. It is so hard, and it is hard for my partner. It is very touchy, and she is going to feel like ahe is letting you down. None of it is about you, which doesn't make ot easier. It seems like she is reallg trying, which is awesome, and you guys have a real chance at success. :)
It seems to me ‘broken’ people always get with each other. Something attracts you to one another, because we are all trying to fix our ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’ issues. 😢 Giving in to our weaknesses, and perpetuating it until we are addicted is part of human nature, as well as, striving for righteousness and honor is. This dichotomy is what makes us human. It doesn’t bode well in a relationship when addictions are fueled and given free rein. It’s actually selfish, self-centered and infantile behaviors to hide, lie, and protect yourself from chastisement from your spouse when you are responsible for their pain and disappointment in you. The vows you took together on your wedding day infer promises of honesty, fidelity, and integrity. It’s funny how many are willing to throw their vows away on something, or someone else that usually turns to ash, and is fruitless in the end, instead of actually committing to their vows. Marriage is sacrificing, and loving someone else more than you love yourself. That isn’t an easy feat for most.
I think it is hilarious how men talk so much crap about how emotional women are but can't seem to have a level-headed conversation around emotions themselves. That tells me that most of the men that can't deal with emotions at all are actually just immature
His addiction and inability to have difficult conversations point to avoidance. He should be in his own therapy if he wants to heal. I think even separating for a time would be helpful for both of them. She can get her own therapy and he doesn’t have to worry about trying to manage her feelings and the relationship while he works on his stuff.
I always text my husband when I am upset with something. It’s just because I grew up in a house with a lot of abuse from a step father. The step father would rage at me and terrify me and my mother didn’t ever protect me from that. It has just made me afraid to ever say anything to anyone that is even remotely negative. I would never ever want to live my life for a day without my my husband and hope I never have to. It doesn’t seem to cause any problems that I know of so …. That’s just my experience ❤
if someone doesn't want to have conversations with you and you haven't considered it might be because of something you are doing then its probably something you are doing. Try listening instead of talking and see how that works.
Dr. John, can you elaborate on how to create boundaries when in relationship (not just romantic) with someone with BPD. Also how to recover from the abuse that BPD folks can inflict. I get it to not take it personally but the pain is real.
This episode, and comments have taught me that it’s not normal to be in a long term relationship and not have deep/ important conversations & I had no idea because I’ve never seen a “healthy” relationship. Now I’m not sure what to do with this new information.
I completely relate to caller #2. I am bipolar 2. I am a nurse and very high functioning in that position. When I have my days off, I have no energy and sleep so much. I’m exhausted every moment of my life but when I’m home, I can’t muster much up. I have had a fairly stable mood for a while now but the exhaustion is a constant fight. I would love to chat although my whole life is so complicated we could do multiple themed calls 😂😭😭
In my experience texting is the only way to have the conversation without the emotional reactivity. It stops him from having to react to her emotional reactivity which stops the communication. He can say what he needs to without her tangential interruptions.
My husband isn’t a conversationalist. We just do life. Lately (16 years into marriage) I’m realizing I’ve been the glue. Emotionally. It’s kind of getting hard.
I just wanted to say to Laura that if her spending is an issue to the point that her house is cluttered, it’s harder to have peace in that, too, but it can be kind of easy to go through your old things when you feel like shopping and find things you literally forgot you had and focus on that - it’s a coping strategy more than a processing one but in the short term it has helped me a ton and I have gotten rid of some junk I realized I never wanted to buy, too.
You imagine you’re having conversations, or assume you will have them in the future. When in reality its just you talking to yourself. That’s how it was with my husband who I am still with and entangled up with dependent children, mortgage house etc. My father was highly narcissistic, my mother & brother avoidant, so I was used to being around silent people who hid or denied their emotions. But I assumed my (now husband) would eventually let his guard down and we would have a good relationship & conversations. Turns out he is extremely dismissive avoidant, was only really interested in the physical aspect of the relationship. When we first met I would talk and talk to him thinking I would get through. But I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. I don’t bother now.
my husband and I would not talk I would talk but he wouldn't because he always thought it was going to go into an argument ?I don't know it might have turned into an argument depending on the subject . communication is key in most relationships .my husband was I think in depression at that time a lot of family drama had gone on so I think that's why that happened .
Pornography compulsion, habit or addiction by one partner, where boundaries are trampled, will continue to become a bigger and bigger issue in relationships and more people are starting to talk about the negative effects of pornography. Time to denormalise pornography use. It's devastating to most partners. People who must navigate relationships with this utterly intimate addiction is exponentially growing.
@@SarahConnor562ok this sounds like cope. Actually a spouse does have say in what you do. Let’s say you marry someone and they get into a friend group with a bunch of horrible people then as the the spouse it is your obligation to say something. Obviously you cannot stop them by force but you should take them aside and speak your mind: When you get married you commit your life to the other person. It’s not some contract or situation where yo are two separate people who operate exclusively from one another. The marriage is not a libertarian government where everything is justified if it does not Obviously effect someone else. I hate your materialist POV. Marriage is not for people who see it this way.
@@SarahConnor562 cause chances are, if it's addiction etc, it will affect you eventually. Your sex life may deteriorate, porn abusers are notoriously more irritated or angry, they start objectifying women, they start ramping up the frequency and intensity in the porn they watch which can be a slippery slope on its own, it may affect the way your partner parents as they tend to be immature and absent etc. Ideally when you start dating, the fact that you watch porn should be disclosed early on. Then the partner has the option to opt out or not. Unfortunately porn habits are mostly done secretively and a partner finds out years after. Then the partner absolutely has the right to say it's a boundary to me. If you watch porn, I feel disrespected, unvalued, degraded so I'm not staying in this marriage if you continue. Then he has the right to say, no I can't accept that boundary. Then he can continue watching porn without his partner being in a relationship with him.
My husband were best friends and talked about everything; we enjoyed doing many things together - he was the best husband ever. Until he started playing golf. After that, all we did was live for golf. If we were going on vaca, it had to be in sync with his golf games. This is not exagerated... It only got worse when he retired early so he could play more golf and work part-time at the golf course. I never complained as i wanted him to enjoy life. It was so sad. He died at an early age because he would not pass on a golf day to go to the doctor. He knew he was ill 10 months before he would go to the doctor. After that visit, he was gone in 3 months.
Ok. Before you got into the second call. You do not have a face for radio. ❤ good heavens you are handsome (and it would be weird to say that-sure) I also know you have a thing with putting yourself down (I do too) you could say you have the voice for radio….because sir, YOU DO. A velvety voice and nice face. ❤ ok let’s all cringe 😬. (But it’s true). Happy Monday!
I really like the idea of Johns suggestion to write a letter and then read it out, never thought of that before coz at first I related to the husband with the texting thing. Im a woman and Im not great at articulating and expressing my feelings thats why I resort to text coz it allows me to express myself and say how I really feel.
It’s so unfortunate how constructive the conversation on the show is and how toxic and horrible the comments are. I’m sorry for the pain you all have experienced. I hope you all find healing and happiness.
My husband tells me he hates me that the sight of me makes him sick. He doesn’t love me and I’m the biggest regret and mistake of his life. He will go a month without talking to me or the kids. Then decide he wants to be nice and can’t understand why I’m not -friendly- he hasn’t touched me in 2 years. My life is literal hell . He won’t leave the house . He just wants to live in misery . Please tell me I’m not alone
Courtenay, my heart truly breaks for you..I'm afraid that he is a textbook narcissist... I know most people would tell you to leave him... I myself have had to leave abusive relationships... There is one thing I have noticed... These abusers are rampant in our society... It seems they are attracted to truly kind people.. we become targets. I can pretty much guarantee if you leave you will keep attracting them.. I'm alone ...I've given up. I've also never in my entire life have seen a healthy relationship.. on the outside they appear fine... But it's just a facade... Behind closed doors is much toxicity...I wish it wasn't so...the only people who can tolerate these toxic relationships are those who have hardened their hearts... I can't...it's so sad to have come to this place in my life...what do you think about what I've been saying.
@@ravenraven966 I’m sorry that you know how it feels. I am just SO sad. I have accepted his apology at least 20 times and gave in only for him to just turn for no reason. I have been secretly recording him for 3 years. I get up for the gym at 5 am then work at 8 and he will insist on the tv being on in the bedroom listening to the bible being read out in Russian (he’s Russian ) and if I ask him to PLEASE turn it off he won’t. So I will try to sleep in another room and he tells me i leave the bedroom to text another man which is the LAST thing I will ever do. Ever. I can’t win. Everything I do is wrong. Everything. I’ve had shingles 3 times this year the stress is killing me. He makes me sleep , or try to, in the bed. I sleep with AirPods in listening to sleep sounds . I’m exhausted. I’m broken. I worry so much about my kids. We all walk on eggshells because he has decided God talks to him and he is right about everything. We have been married 13 years. The last 4 have been literal hell
Oof. I have a dear, dear friend with BPD and it is TOUGH. Not for me - she loves me and we have never had a bad interaction. But her relationship with her husband exhausts me. He’s no angel and he can “handle” her nonsense when it’s really really bad. But she also struggles hugely with drug addiction. I feel for her so much. Her life is a constant stream of huge feelings. Everything is an emergency. Everything is dialed up to 11. Everything is done at max speed. I don’t have any advice or anything, I just wanted to share some personal experience in case someone has never met anyone with BPD. It’s a nightmare to live with, both as the person with BPD and as people in the family.
One dose a week?! Those of us in northern North America are absolutely deficient. Please consider seeking a copy of God and Vitamins by Marjorie Holmes. It's out of print, so you'll need to check used book sites for it. I give it as gifts it's so valuable, and usually very inexpensive.
I’ll be honest, I do much better expressing how I feel in text/writing. I often need extra time to process what I’m feeling to understand exactly what I am feeling and why… this frustrates my husband sometimes but we’ve communicated that I know he wants answers right away, but I often literally can’t say because I don’t know, but I will think about it and will tell him. Also lots of times in person i find I don’t really have the right words to express things and freeze up then things don’t get communicated right… but over text I have time to think things out and make sure I’m sharing what I actually mean. The first caller’s husband might be like that too… I do think it’s important though that my husband do have the conversations in person too sometimes after I share things over text so I’ve already had the chance to process etc.
Pretty sure my mom is undiagnosed BorderlinePD. I thought it was bipolar... but I don't think so, as her moods are highly attuned to the relational inputs. Everything is a very big deal to her and she's exhausting to be around (positively and negatively) and she gets exhausted from her emotions. She's never at peace and is an untethered person. She craves people constantly but also repells them. She's hard to be in relationship with.
Once the honey moon is over, relationship is hard and so demanding. I thought we were doing great but after 15 years, during covid, my husband stop communicating with me. There was so much expectation and frustration… we end up in couple therapy. The first session was hurtful. But we both put the effort and after a month, we communicate more, in a constructive ways, and our expectation are also more realistic, and he show more attention to me . .. statistics are there to prouve that marriage isn’t easy. Even for those who didn’t end up with a divorce .
If you want to talk to your husband who talked when you dated, then try having nice conversations, not just complain about what he needs to fix believing he needs to do it Pass your words through a filter first...if it is demanding he do something or change in some way.... don't say it. You are likely shutting him down and he avoids you out of protection.
Why on earth would any woman put up with this sort of nonsense? She's his wife, the mother of his children and she's not enough for him? I would get rid of him asap.
Yeah, but most of the time, acting out of emotions really don't solve anything and even make things worse. Because emotions arent as tied to reality as logic. You can have an emotional breakdown just because you ate something wrong. A lot of really dumb phobias comes from emotional reactivity, to the point where there are people afraid of butterflies.
People who date...even the first date...without disclosing a diagnosed mental illness is the same as not disclosing an STD. Everyone should have the opportunity to avoid becoming emotionally attached to persons with these kind of challenges.
What about people who don’t even know they have a mental illness or repressed trauma? Most people don’t know until it causes problems in the lives of the people they care about.
15:55 I’m wondering if her definition of “addicted to pornography” is at all informed by the LDS church. (She’s in SLC; I’m assuming she’s LDS, but she may not be.) The reason I’m curious about this is because the LDS church is quick to slap the label of “addict” onto anything under the umbrella of “sexual sin”. My concern is that he might just be a man who once in a while looks at something, and not a full blown addict. In fact, in light of the recent news around former Mormon counselor Jodi Hildebrandt and her brutally shame-filled therapeutic modalities for so-called sex or porn “addicts”, I wonder… I’ve seen otherwise very normal men within the LDS church undergo unnecessary shaming and discipline for nothing. Just putting it out there.
That Jodi thing is super specific. I think you're reading way too much into it. The fact that he hides stuff and lies come out months later is showing addict behavior. He needs to learn to be honest and work on why he does what he does.
@@blueseptember2174 I’m going to disagree with you. The Jodi thing may be an extreme example, but having been born and raised LDS myself, I know all about the sexual shaming that goes on inside the church, and it’s definitely not confined to Hildebrandt. Mormon boys and men are very often labeled as addicts when in actuality they’re simply demonstrating a healthy sexual curiosity.
Though it’s difficult to listen to some of the call in’s it’s beautiful to see people fight for their marriage, I find it rare to listen to such pro marriage content.
In regards to the first caller, I would also ask whether or not he actually has an addiction. For some reason, a lot of women consider looking at porn at all an "addiction" and that's not what an addiction is. It is only an addiction if you are blowing all your money on it, sneaking away at work and other inappropriate places to view it, that you do it so many times a day that you can't live a normal life, etc. And Dr. Deloney has said that before.
I agree if you have a dependency on it. I know this may sound terrible, but what are some of these women doing to make their man feel like a man. Taking some control in the bedroom and really working on getting her husband‘s arousal back again. Unfortunately, a lot of women forget that men do love sex and try to play that down. It is what it is.
