"My needs AREN'T BEING MET": why this is one of my least favorite phrases 

I really dislike the phrase "my needs aren't being met." Not only does this obscure the truth, but it propagates a potentially dangerous lie in its place. A relationship in which a person's needs aren't being met is abusive; however, people in abusive relationship don't say that they're needs aren't being met. They say they are in an abusive relationship. So what does this phrase really mean? I'll discuss more in this episode. Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com

This video meets my needs

This one is on point. My wife frames EVERYTHING as a "need", giving herself the excuse that anything she doesn't get is abusive. I've tried to argue the point and ask her to reframe so we can have honest communication, but that just causes outbursts. Oh well. suck it up or bail out I guess.

Heard this phrase as an excuse for cheating so it rubbed me the wrong way instantly

“My needs aren’t being met.” Great line for her to hand the judge at the “family court” for simps.

Thank you. Getting needs met usually involves some collaborative problem solving. And that collaboration depends on good communication.

Great point. I've noticed people will tend to frame things in a way that make them sound more blameless/like a victim. Another example is when someone is rejected, they tell themselves the person rejecting them "didn't see their value", even though when they reject someone else, they're not exactly going around saying they rejected the person because they themselves didn't see another person's value, either.

For me, "I'm not getting what I need" means, "I'm not getting something that I require for a relationship to exist". Maybe such things are not a basic necessity for survival, but they can be a REQUIREMENT for the relationship to continue. If I were to use the words, "I'm not getting what I want", it trivializes a game changing situation. I'm not talking about little things like a sandwich. I'm talking about life-changing things like bills that amount to 110% of my income, or not having sex for a GODDAMN YEAR! I can't see calling those things "not getting what I want".

When you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it’s very difficult to recognize the abuse and call it as such.

Not sure when the "my needs aren't met" phrase became popular, but to me its another indication of our increasingly narcissistic culture. I wonder if this is rooted in attachment issues from childhood too. Thanks, as always Orion, for the food for thought.

I like how you point out that in the end it mostly comes down to our own personal responsibility. It's easier to blame someone else than to look inward and do what we need to do to meet our own needs, then we can show our partner how they can contribute but not feel pressure to fix our lives for us. That's our own job.

Actually, what we perceive as "wants" are really "needs" for these people. They really feel that they "need" those things to live their life. That's the saddest part and it's what makes their life miserable. They literally "need" so much things out of a relationship otherwise they won't survive.

Quickly becoming my favourite youtube channel.

I’ve always found it paradoxically ironic that the the person claiming they’re not getting what they need frames the other person as being “selfish”

Another gem, thank you for this one I'm coming to terms with understanding my short list of needs, and how they differ from wants, which are more like the cherries on top I'm happy i listened to this video today. Thank you for empowering us! ❤

I'm in a long and happy relationship now, and at several times I've had to say to myself, okay he's not doing what I want, saying what I want, acting how I want him to act...but instead of complaining, I've said to myself: How can I change this? What can I do so that he will say or act in the way that I want? Through trial and error I've been able to "fix" things enough that I stayed around. So I think once you're saying to yourself this isn't what I want, the next question is "What can I do about it?"

Thank you. You hit a tangential point that was a breath of fresh air.

Something I also noticed in marriage was that sometimes we use these vague words because we ourselves don’t understand yet how to process the emotions and explain. One Saturday someone knocked on our door very early and we were not expecting anyone, I was still in pjs and husband was not. So I asked him to get the door but he hesitated (was playing video games or distracted with something) so I went and answered the door. I was very upset after and couldn’t even pin point why until I examined myself. Then I remembered, oh my dad used to do this no questions asked. He would ALWAYS respond if it was early in the morning/or late at night to a knock especially when not expecting anyone. Once I was able to explain this to my husband he understood and we were able to communicate. It really is just controlling your emotions, understanding/processing them and communication! Thanks for the content!

Very well broken down information once again , great video 💯

I have always deeply disliked this phrase for feeling it was shifting blame to the other person and practicing victimhood but that (what you said in the video) was so articulate on another level

These are all great points. You're making a fine distinction between "want" and "need". Sadly, this just isn't the way most people use language. No one is going to say "want" for fear of appearing callous. Another thought that just occurred to me. Don't we "need" a partner who does care and is able to deliver on our wants? at least some of the time? This isn't a cut and dry issue, but your video is very thought provoking and I'm glad you posted it.

In a relationship there could be an expectation of some sort of intimacy, which when lacking might turn the relationship into a friendship. This is what has happened in the past and it was not fun.

Isn’t there always a need underneath a want? If I say ”I want $100M”, that’s obviously not want what I need. But why do I want it? I want to buy stuff, eat at fancy restaurants, travel, invest, etc. But why do I want that? I want have a sense of really making it, feel special and privileged, be dazzled and amazed. Why do I want that? I want to feel untouchable, like I can finally relax, I reached my goals. And why do I want that? Because I’m tired, I’m so very very tired. So I really need rest and to feel safe.

This also reinforces the point of not getting into a relationship for dependence purposes, as in a rescue plan.

I think the problem is that we default to expecting our partner to meet too many of the emotional needs we have learned helplessness in meeting for ourselves, then when they won’t or can’t it becomes a crisis. I am someone with quiet BPD in remission, and this is what I had to heal. Now that I can meet my own needs, I only have wants from a partner. I’m so happy with my life on my own that I can choose partners who show an interest in meeting my relationship wants. If someone can’t or won’t, it’s ok! It’s not a crisis anymore.

Never once has a man ever uttered these words

i see it as this topic addresses what society misuses. words. a helpful distinction that needs to cut down the mindless sharing of terms by millions of people. other examples include: "um", "i mean", "like", effect vs affect, etc

I think this discussion is placing too much importance on the way people use the terms "wants" and "needs." We all tend to use these words loosely. Fundamentally, all we really need is food, water, oxygen, and shelter. When we say something like "I need a new car" we really mean it would be convenient to have the car, or we perhaps that we will lose a job because of lack of transportation. In the fundamental sense no on "needs" a romantic relationship. But as people use the English language, it is perfectly acceptable to say something like "I need a woman who respects me." This isn't being delusional or deceitful, it's just a common way of expressing a strong desire.

I would say: you don't know for sure what you get when you enter a relationship. It's always taking a leap of faith and then you find out more about the person. So there are things that I want and get because the other person plays along until the real other reveals themselves.

Totally agree. Needs are: oxygen, water, nourishment, and a secure place to live where you will not be rained on, frozen, or attacked by a bear. People who are living a fairly comfortable life yet go around making this complaint come across to many as whiners advertising the fact that they have chosen helplessness instead of taking responsibility for the outcome of their own lives. A former friend, whom I had to distance myself from because she was so crazy, used to ask me - when I was dating a man who called me every single day just to stay connected and see how I was - "How do you FIND such nice guys?" She would wind up in one horrifically abusive relationship after another. And when they tried to break up with her she would literally stalk them trying to keep the relationship going - she simply could not get enough of being miserable. Incredibly talented, educated, professional and attractive woman with an IQ of 145. I told her, this is how I wind up with nice guys - if a man ever treated me the way yours treat you, I would never go out with him a second time. Take responsibility.

On this one I agree. Except when people use this to describe a lack of sexual intimacy, which can be considered a basic need in a romantic relationship. On everything else re emotional compatibility, it's not a useful phrase.

I just told my husband that my needs are not being met because in fact he is abusive but he isnt taking any other way of telling him that he is cruel to me and the kinds….. so this exact formulation is much better for telling him why I’m leaving but not getting him becoming angry and agressive

I agree, but I think people know that “needs” really mean “wants” in most circumstances. So when someone says their “needs” are not being met, we usually understand that it means that their emotional, sexual, or other strong “want” is not being met. But yes, we ought to be semantically accurate.

Needed to hear this 40yrs ago

And maybe you're just never satisfied...

Thank you for your insight. I love your channel. Thankyou Sir .😊

True words. I'm inspired to be a better man and be attractive so I deserve the best to stay

Actually not necessarily most abuse victims defend their abusers and have a very hard time actually saying they are being abused

You're bursting all of my bubbles.

I understand how saying you're not getting what you want is a more useful phrase. But then everyone will say life is not about getting what you want and they will give themselves excuse after excuse to not do their part in the relationship

This makes a lot of sense, and is the source of the word salad people use when trying to describe the issues in past and current relationships. We don't want to be seen as a bad person in so many aspects of life, and have been trained to always have well rehearsed reason we are not the sole source of the desired change or split. I've experienced this problem for a long time with my current girlfriend in many aspects of the relationship. Ex. I can't just come out and say I'm not attracted to you because you have gained weight and refused to lose it.Because that makes me a bad person. But does it?? I entered into the relationship because I found her physically attractive and nice. Now she is overweight, and overwhelms me with her problems and life complaints on a daily basis. So why shouldn't me no longer finding her physically attractive and being exasperated by he constantly complaining be justification to leave? I keep telling myself no mainly because I would be seen as a bad person for doing so. Because I'm not getting what I want.. but who else can make sure you get what you want other than you?

I've always understood this phase as another way for people not getting what they want out of a relationship. I just think people are overly dramatic and that is why the say the above. Relationships just seem some complicated and everyone around me is getting divorced. Haha!

30 seconds in, I think I get it and I love it!

I didn't want gf to think I wanted her just for sex so I didn't initiate. She left. After that I learnt something. Sx is free and legitimate in monogamous so why not go for it. If someone's genuinely a bit sore one day there is always leg/back massage.

Totally agree with you!!! I hate this phrase too. Stupidest reasons to leave a relationship. Its no one else's job to make you happy. That job is yours alone.

Wow I now see I was conflating the two also. Tnks there Dr. ❤

I’ve had this phrase going thru my head recently I’m in a relationship but it’s bs cos I have to work on myself and satisfy myself make sure I’m taking care of myself.

You can't always get what you want. Buy if you try sometimes...well, you know.

Thank you, this has helped me forgive myself.

I'm going through a divorce right now (she divorced me), and this is one of the major reasons. My ex-wife regularly framed her wants as needs in our conflicts. It confused the heck out of me while going through it. I questioned myself a lot to try and understand whether I was the one in the wrong. She eventually became convinced that I was abusing her by not giving her what she wanted. Then she backwards rationalized herself as an innocent victim and myself as a heartless perpetrator. I wish I'd understood long ago what I understand about relationships now. I'm not divesting myself of fault in my failed relationship. I'm only highlighting that this is an easy way for someone to convince themselves and others that they are a victim.

The most basic need is to be secure and to belong. This is what we should get from making and keeping a commitment that is socially and legally respected, i.e. marriage. To break a marriage commitment because you don’t think you are getting what you wanted is to fail to meet the need for security and belonging you promised to give her.

This is the type of stuff we need

This doesn’t cover neglect. You can not have your needs met because a person can’t provide the support you need. A partner may not know how to provide the emotional support one needs not because they are abusive but they just haven’t been taught how to love properly. That doesn’t make them abusive it makes them ignorant or not mentored.

I appreciate your zero tolerance for bullshit policy! I still feel like something is missing in my relationship... but not meeting wants vs. needs, that's failing vs. not failing. I hope he can see that I truly misunderstood, emotional wants/needs. Thank you!!!

Awesome, thank you.

Very relatable we want partners but don't need them

Sets up a series of invisible moving hoops.

"I agree. All your Wants are being met, first."

It might just be a lack of education on what is abuse or being polite. As a victim of abuse I can tell you it can be terrifying to seek help and be 1 00% honest about what is going on especially if the abuser gets knowledge of what you said.

I want to send this to former pastors who always spoke about male and female "needs" in marriage. The problem was they never acknowledged those same "needs" for the single population in the churches. Suddenly, if someone lost a spouse or got divorced, I guess the "need" disappeared. The fact is, these "needs" were expectations and desires. Framing it as wants or desires puts the conversation in a better place, an arena of truth. And it helps open the possibility that the person not fulfilling our expectations isn't a monster withholding a "need."

Women say this primarily when they don't know what their needs are.

Agreed. Like, just be honest and say you're not getting what you want.

Is the love a want or a need in the relationship? Is the love necessary? Is it a requirement? One may give anything the other wants, but the way in which he gives reflects his understanding of the necessity that is required to cultivate the relationship. So when she said "My needs aren't being met", it didn't mean she didn't get what she wanted. She did. But she didn't feel it came from a place of love?

BRILLIANT!!!

What it actually is,,,is, my WANTS aren't being met

Reminds me of a George Carlin skit where he advocates for those saying such to "change their needs". Showed it to a coworker of mine and he called me a cynic.

Accountability is one of my favourite words.

What you classify as "needs"?

JUST GENIUS

"My partner is not living up to my expectations," would be more honest and on point. It might help to be open with your partner prior to the commitment about what your expectations really are. As to needs and wants, a number of years ago I made a list of my needs and wants. Turns out, I have a total of 5 needs. 1. Food 2. Clothing. 3. Shelter. 4. Access to medical care. 5. A purpose to my life. I can provide those for myself. Pretty much the same for the wants. As to the wants I can't provide for myself, they are ultimately optional, and broadly negotiable.

Not true. I can meet my needs, but I have relational expectations. I will stand by my standards

I love this! Get so tired of therapist asking me and my wife if our needs are being met. Needs to me= food, water, shelter. I don’t need respect, love, sex, money, kindness or an amazing partner. If we all realized this then why would need therapy (which nobody needs either). Stoicism, and eastern philosophy get this right. Today.. we confuse needs, wants and desires. I do it daily and need to stop! Great content.. keep it coming!

The entire point of relationship is “relating”. To give. I love when women say this because they telegraph the reality they are not in the relationship on a valid foundation, purpose or intent.

If someone dares tell me this, I will plainly tell them to get another person to fulfill those needs.

I could not agree with you more; however, people who are in a marriage relationship often tend to use the excuse of terminating yhe marriage due to a lack of effort to understand how to get what they are lacking in the relationship. Marriagades used to be " for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." Today marriages seem to be like one of Empiror Ming's marriages in "FLASH GORDAN. " I Ming promise to not ever fling you out into space, until such time as I grow weary of you".

This, and “it is what it is.”

What about 5-6 month stretches of not being touched and having to beg for certain acts .....would kind of make you feel not wanted right?

0:43 why say many word, when few word do trick?

You need to define what wants and needs are bro A want is something you can live without and stay in the relationship even if you don't get it. A need is something that, if not met, you'd rather be single. Relational needs have to be met otherwise a relationship cannot happen. And relational wants are just bonuses. There have been documented to be a list of actual relational needs: 1. Sexual fulfillment 2. Intimate conversation 3. Affection 4. Recreational companionship 5. Physical appearance/attraction 6. Commitment/loyalty For example: I NEED my wife to sexually fulfill me, have open honest communication, give me recreational companionship, and to be committed to me, and sense that she is attracted to me. I need those things. If I'm not feeling her meet any of those to my liking, then she's not meeting the need and she needs to understand how to meet it. Wants are different.. I WANT my wife to dress up for me more often, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to like all the same movies I like, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to be as sexual as me, but she never will be. I WANT my wife to share more of my opinions and perspectives, but she doesn't. Things like that.. When I say my needs aren't being met, I am literally saying "my wife isnt even marginally giving me the baseline effort in this relationship despite all the effort I'm giving her".

is reciprocity a want or a need?

I haven't been kissed or touched in 8 years and in a sexless marriage for the last 15 (once every year - year and a half). According to a lot of Women, physical affection is not a need, it is a want. I call forcing celibacy within marriage abuse.

I mean my needs weren't being met in my last relationship, I had to keep begging her to talk and communicate with me when she wasn't talking for a few weeks during our 6 month relationship. And she broke it off because of a comment I made on Facebook.

No matter what you do, her needs will never be met. And eventually she will bounce to someone else. Dont even bother trying...😂😂😂😂

Beautiful video! However, most people don't have your intellect and don't want to be honest with themselves.

As a man... I enter a relationship for good sex... Most women aren't very good at it... As a friend said you've got to find a lot of miss wrongs to find miss right...

any book coming out soon?

George Carlin has a response to this phrase: “Drop some of your needs! Life is a Zero Sum game”

Give then you will receive and it has to be reciprocal.

Maybe a bit pedantic to be so picky about the word "needs" vs "wants," but you make a lot of interesting points in the discussion anyway!

Thanks

He Dr. Orien- this morning I was listening to this on the bed next to my girlfriend. She got angry upon listening to it and got up and left. Was angry for much of the rest of the day. Red flag?😂

Hahaha...unfortunately I don't care about people's needs. They are adults and should be able to provide for themselves.

I think Orion has accidentally exposed a weakness in his training, falling for the red herring wants vs needs pseudo-dichotomy. Read up on Carl Rogers, read the well-articulated in situ reports by Marshall Rosenberg, and then address how to improve *communications* around fulfilling needs.

I do like the reframing of "needs" to "wants" in an effort to reclaim agency and defuse urgency. However, I still find myself confused at the the distinction between the two. Should needs be reserved for things undeniably tied to survival? Safety, food, shelter, Maslow's hierarchy stuff? What introspective tools do I have to differentiate my wants from me needs in relationship? Not easy answers...

John dalony needs to hear this guy

How to resolve when not getting genuinely what you need

Having to meet the needs of your partner seems very codependent as well

Anyone who uses the phrase‘hyperbolic distortion’ gets my vote 😂

I need alone time, my own space, and things I do on my own to stay sane. Any man who doesn’t respect this need is immediate shown the door. I can tolerate a lot but this is absolutely non negotiable. Perhaps this is why I remain single. It is hard for me to live with someone. I moved my mother in with me since 2021. We have our own space in the house but at times I’d feel grouchy from her nagging.

I don’t know. This seems like a stretch. When people say “needs” they often mean wants. Words are polysemous. I think you are reading too much into the word “needs” here. “I need to shed some weight” means “I want to lose some weight”. Your content is great btw, but on this one I think you are getting too semantic.