My Wife Thinks I’m Too Needy 

The thing is, some men litterly suck the life out of women. This guy is more than likely expecting constant attention like a child, and that's exhausting for the woman. It's not up to her to be his therapist and to cure all his emotional issues. He needs to seek help and not depend on her to handle 100 % of his emotional needs. She probably wants to be there for him, but he's burning her out.

This is the old anxious and avoidant attachment dance. It's a good sign that he's willing to talk about it publicly; it's the first step to healing.

I’m an introverted woman. I like my privacy and space. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like this.

I was in a relationship with someone like this for 17 years. It was incredibly draining. I couldn't show my emotions because he was so busy in his feelings and we had to baby him.

They're not compatible. But I also don't think he's emotionally stable or mature enough to date someone with the same temperament or needs as him. He seems attracted to emotionally unavailable women, but simultaneously not attracted to women just as emotionally vulnerable and clingy as he is. That's just a hunch, I could be wrong.

I was this guy for my entire 20s and part of my 30s until I finally got help. You got this, dude! You can heal! ❤❤❤

There are many men like this. They dont have a lot of friends and dont have the best family dynamic. Its like an emotional vampire or black hole. At the same time, I have compassion for his needs and his bravery to speak up. His fear of loneliness will be what keeps it him in bad relationships from romance to work/ life balance. RELATIONSHIPS are not therapy.

I find it really cool that he is reaching out to work on himself to become a better version of himself. It’s brave to put yourself out there so others can learn.

All this calling is ridiculous. Some of us have professional jobs and can't be on call 4x a day. I had a guy do that to me and dropped him like a hot potato. He was so needy and whined and got manipulative if i didn't immediately answer the phone during the work day. Sorry, i have a job. Never had this problem before or after

Nothing more exhausting than a grown man that expects his romantic partner to be his mother and therapist. So weird and not very romantic. Same goes for women that expects their man to be their therapist and mommy.

Ooof, he's blowing up her phone back to back? That would drive me crazy. It sounds like they're not compatible. He doesn't need a romantic relationship right now. He needs to deal with his childhood, and get introspective. He sounds really codependent. Maybe Al-Anon, CODA, or ACOA would be a good start.

The hardest thing this man has to accept is that it's not his girlfriend's responsibility to fulfill his emotional needs. It sounds like she's drained and he needs therapy. I truly hope the best for both of them.

I was very clingy, too, but I had to really talk to myself and learn to trust my partner. It was a lot of work. There were times I felt crazy and instead of picking up the phone to call, I would tell myself “you’re not in your right mind to talk to anyone right now”.

Man...your show is awesome and you are an awesome counselor. I love the amount of empathy you show even with people who do things that are "wrong".

So many comments on here attacking this man like he has no hope when he’s clearly trying to get better.. makes me more convinced those commenters need help.

I resonate with this on so many levels. My husband needs constant verbal reassurance and I'm introverted and show my feelings through actions. But we've been happily married for almost 30 years because relationships take work and we've put in the work and found a happy middle ground. There is nothing wrong with having emotional needs - people just express them differently.

He doesnt need a girlfriend, he needs therapy, badly. Im pretty sure hes just using her as a quick fix rather than do the work it takes to heal himself, which is a lot and nobody can do it for you, its a lot easier to ask someone else to manage your emotions for you, but its so selfish tho. Therapy now!!

I’m so glad you stopped the hyper intro where I’m having to lower the volume down or skip a few minutes just so I can get to the start of the call. Appreciate you.

I think it's important to not look darkly or judge harshly upon the caller. I feel deep empathy for him and he has the courage to be so vulnerable. He obviously has some deep trauma from his alcoholic family upbringing. He obviously didn't receive the secure, consistent and nurturing attachments from his parents. I do agree he needs a therapist to talk to whilst being in the relationship. It also sounds like his partner perhaps doesn't know/ have the communication skills how to reassure that he is loved and that he won't be abandoned. A relationship is working on the "We" and also the growth in the "I" to support the "We". I've experienced both sides. I was anxiously preoccupied attached and the partner at the time was very avoidant, pretty narcissistic too which wasn't good for me at all, and triggered my anxiety even more. It was pretty traumatic in the end. My life is 100x better now. I've also had a relationship with someone who really did need a therapist, bcos altho I wanted to be there and listen and receive his worries which I did, he was a Gemini and Air signs tend to be very stuck in the mind intellectual and didn't really know how to deeply process emotions and kept speiling out the same verbal thoughts on a loop. I found it frustrating bcos he wasn't looking for a solution even after an extended amount of time and nothing in his life shifted. I realized he was addicted on ruminating, that's the only thing he knew to self soothe and that I was his landing ground for all his mental complexes. He did find a therapist which did help. But best to try to find a therapist of the same sex if possible, as transference can occur- attraction for the opposite gender therapist. I think key points are yes to get a therapist and discover tools for selfhealing and selfcare, ie therapy, yoga, gym, meditation, know how to be responsible and secure for yourself. But I can't stress enough, how invaluable it is to have a partner or create close friendships where you will feel received and listened to emotionally, but also not overly depend upon it. Independence +Interdependence. 😊 We can all help each other heal. ❤

I think there is a lot of context missing but judging lightly on what he said, i would say he does need some healing. Wishing you well dude. Chances are if you give her more freedom from your emotions things will work out better with anyone.

I thought the SAME THING. Dont change who you are, and/or minimize yourself for ANYONE.

People here are treating this woman as if she’s abusing the guy or something. In my opinion, comparing her to an alcoholic is way off. She just has a different love language, and in a relationship both parties need to compromise and communicate when something comes up. Unless your are in complete mental anguish, hold on to that love you have. If you truly love each other, you should feel comfortable talking with her about and doing everything you can (Both of you) to give each other what they need. If they aren’t willing to do that then maybe at that point it’s time to move on. There is no such thing as a soul mate. If you keep chasing the latest and greatest girl you’ll be alone forever.

This is exactly my best friends husband... he literally drains the life outta her with his "needs" 🙄

Gosh! 5 years?? Accept the fact you have different needs in a relationship. Not all women want to be mothering and smothering to a grown man!

Some people are more emotional than others im a woman who doesnt really need that much from my guy for me knowing he is there is comforting enough im also natirally introverted so i dont need constant attention from him to feel better ive also always had to do everything alone since i was 16 and that probably haa affected my emotional need for other people also people let you down constantly even spouses friends etc i guess i just dont expect much from people

Wow the people in the comments are really beating this guy up

I’m the needy one and I’m working really hard to not need anything emotionally from my husband. I’ve stopped bringing up things that don’t directly involve him and really just talk to my therapist and cats. It’s hard to get my needs down to where they are manageable.

This entire thing couldn’t apply to me more it’s mind blowing how the caller and I have the exact same problem even our spouse situation as the same with meeting in highschool and dumping my home life issues on her, I’ve relied on her to carry me and now (6 years) later I’ve hurt her so much and I’ve hurt our relationship. I love this woman she fights so hard for us and it’s time I go get help/therapy. I believe this is the woman I will marry. Men from broken homes struggle with relationships even when we have the best intentions we can’t over come the trauma we had as kids not alone at least.

There are women who would love and be affirmed by his “neediness.” Some women thrive and love babying their man and helps them in feeling connected.

It should ALWAYS be good. You're just putting up with each other. Move on. Get help before you find someone new. If not you will waste your life, believe me.

Why does this say wife but in the call he mentions her as his girlfriend?

John repping the Avett Brothers while talking about repeating patterns from childhood… this episode hits hard for me

This sounds so much like my husband & I . He needs much more of me than I am able to give right now because I have not had the time to finish healing from some abuse in my childhood. Between helping him run our family carpet cleaning business while being stay at home mom to 2 children and being free daycare for 8 yrs for my 2 wonderful grandsons and supporting my husband, disabled at age 62 , thru numerous surgeries, rehabs, recoveries, addictions, being full time caregiver for my 88 yr old daddy on his journey thru Alzheimer’s these last 7 years and now caregiver again for my 74 yr old husband whose chf & afib has weakened his hearts pumping ability down to 30%, I am spent and I NEED time to heal myself. It is making me angry and resentful and I’m facing the death of my daddy any day now😭. I just don’t have much left to give my husband emotionally, physically right now 😔 8:41

Sounds like he has an anxious attachment style and she’s avoidant. That will not work.

Men MUST learn to manage their emotions!!!!! You're the mountain in the storm!! Work on your mind!! Stoicism, meditation, cold plunge, breath work!!!

Five years???? Come ON!! It's always been there.. it's been continuously escalating. Both of these people are just putting up with this, for what?? Making each other nuts for what?? Afraid of being alone. I think that's what this situation is all about... I think once he figures himself out, like Dr. John suggested, he's going to find that whatever it is he found in her, he can have somewhere else...

I couldn’t last 1 month with a guy like this. In fact, I think it was 3 weeks to be exact. He sucked the life out of me!

They are NOT MARRIED.

This man does not want to be this way. Sometimes it’s just the nature of their being. That said, there may be various underlying factors related to his behavior. For example, with my ex, I would get a bit upset sometimes, because she was very bad at communicating in a long distance relationship. Yes, I said long distance, so communication should be a priority. When we were in person or in the same town, I did not care much for phone interactions. I always focused on the present. We would be together and she would want to engage physically, but it was always me that had to start it. Never her. Early in the relationship she would always non stop text me, then as it progressed she would act as if she had me locked down. So, what did this cause? Anxiety from me. She was avoidant. She never ever wanted to talk intentionally or solve any problems, so they would build up and I would become irritable. She was also that person that would say she didn’t have much time throughout her day to have a conversation. I understood, until she would go post stuff on other platforms and then act like she forgot to text back. What I’m trying to say, is there may be lots of context behind what he is feeling. These little things build up over time, and can make someone feel alone and crappy. So, they seek more attention. In my case, she was very immature and did not want to adult or confront any issues. It goes both ways in a relationship, and many times, there are things that lead up to certain behavior. Am I saying he is right? Not at all, I’m just saying that there is lots of people jumping to conclusions about him being the source of the problem.

Hes immature and off his masculine center...he will struggle w any woman

My first job I was a receptionist who answered bery busy phones for a company. One of the male employees wife, who also had a job (not in our office) would call him 6 to 9 times a day every day. Her first phone call would in the first 30 minutes we were open, then at least one call per hour the rest of the day. It was so annoying because whenever he was on his phone I had to take a message for him. When I would come back from lunch, the person who filled in for me would have written at least 2 messages asking if he was back from lunch yet. Then as soon as I sat down at my desk she would call and ask for the 3rd time if he was back from lunch yet. She never seems jealous or checking up on him. I thought she was just needy.

I feel for this dude. This amount of anxiety is so distressing

This caller is quite self aware considering most people who do these behaviors are not. I do believe there can be plenty of reasons as to why he's this way. There is a chance their relationship did not begin this way. She could've been the anxious one & got tired of him being too cold. Causing her to become avoidant. Which means she's probably emotionally checked out, & he's always hot. He's attracted to women who are not emotionally available. Or it can be that she drove him nuts. There is such thing as "crazy making". He opened up emotionally to her & she's rejecting him while she's still with him. She's grossed out. And wants him available only when she needs emotional support. But is nowhere to be found when he needs it. Either way, this woman has one foot out the door. He needs to focus on himself.

This really resonates with me right now. I feel the same way as this caller.

I’m sorry calling people back to back when they don’t answer is straight up rude. Like are you on fire? Is the zombie apocalypse here? It’s inconsiderate and neurotic. I hope he gets help and can have a good relationship with someone.

Dr. John Delony is a great listener. He nailed this problem. 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Well said Dr.. For years I was told that and realized that the people saying it had the problems. These people were emotional ignorant to say the least.. God made me this way and I am learning learning to love me.. It seems impossible..

I have a guy friend for almost 10 years now. That's exactly like this. Dude, needy whining, annoying. It drives me crazy. We were never together intimately, but we're like best friends. He doesn't realize what he is doing to me.He is incessant with the texting and calling.It's out of control.I can't get a moment's peace. Everything is an emergency with him. And it's really never anything serious.He just wants to be cuddled or just to know that.I'm there because he can't deal with things on his own

My first thought: Get checked for Borderline or CPTSD in therapy.

It sounds like they want to be together. Just a tweak here and there. Don't blow up her phone, etc. Have some faith that it will all work out. I think the prior break up has him on edge. Like it could happen again...

I have been married to a man like this for almost 11 years. I have a codependent problem so my choices in men have never been very good. Im 38 now and ready for a divorce. Thankfully we have no children.

This is really powerful. Thank you to you both. ❤

Sounds like he has anxious attachment and she is an avoidant. It's not ideal. They need to work on themselves and become securely attached.

He needs to leave her they’re a mismatch. Someone should accept you as you are, you shouldn’t need to change

Guy stopped talking, and I thought it's my wireless headphone

I think Dr John will have no hope left in humanity as the days go by of him seeing all these narcissistic, egotistical, selfish people claiming to be just or reasonable.

I think it would extremely awesome to have @2beBetterPodcast on your show! Your expertise and their straightforwardness and insightfulness would be TRIFECTA

I have been told the same thing my entire life. The world has no place for a needy over sensitive man. I am divorced and see my kids for visitation but other than that I pretty much stay alone. I find it easier that way as I dont have to be that guy...

I feel like this is my husband. We both have our work to do on ourselves and need to heal our childhood trauma, but also relearn how to show up in relationships. It’s hard. I hope this caller follows up. I’m hopeful for him to feel secure in himself. It’s not easy to be accountable for how you show up. ❤

they are just not a match is all… they should just break up

He is much too needy for someone who isn't a husband. He's wasting this woman's time for 5 years and expects too much attention.

We love love Dr. John

i’ve been in this guys shoes before in and out of context of relationships. self awareness and reframing are key to reshaping your perspective. as much as these are emotional reactive outbursts, i think a big solution to it all is just journaling these thoughts as they become more uncontrollable. often most people in their mental states of high anxiety and depression already have physical states elevated because of these mental blocks. even just taking a big breath is key to changing your perspective. science already proves the more oxygen you take in the more it can uplift your mood to exit emotional states like rage or sadness. journaling is important because it helps build the inner monologue most of us have but have no clue how to master it rather than to be mastered by it. there’s a book out there that was a new york times best seller about habits and changing habits, such as smoking or shopping, etc. in it, talks about will power, and how will power is a mental muscle. it gets exhausted with overworking, so work smarter not harder. it’s not so much about changing the physical things that orbit your life but your mental impairments leading you to an attachment style in coping with you standard routines. if you don’t question and reverse engineer things your chances of understanding how you got there will only get further.

Never change who you are to please someone else..

John - your insights here were marvelous.

Im stuck in a relationship bc my gf mom died from cancer less then a year ago and i cant being myself to tell her i dont see her being the one bc im the only family she has left really

This is a thing I will never understand about some humans I can’t imagine living in a situation with someone who makes me feel like that all the time for who I am obviously I feel very lucky to have a partner who accepts me for who I am and I accept him for who he is ect but Iv seen it so many times with friends and family who will change themselves for there partner and live unhappily like if a person loves you and is worth being with will listen to what your saying and what you need and do it and that will go both ways if your ment to be together you’ll bend for eachother but you won’t break for eachother some people are so scared to let go and be alone it makes them live unhappily dude you only get one life why on earth would you spend years of your life unhappy then when it finally breaks look back and think damn why did I waste all that time being unhappy.. me and my partner have always had an agreement if either of us is unhappy and it’s affecting our relationship or the love we have for each other 1st we talk about it … and see if it’s something that needs fixing or a compromise 2 if we cannot fix it or make a compromise we let eachother go what the point being together if someone is faking it to make it …

Relationships are draining 😂

Dr. Doleney: Who told you that your needs are not important? Comments section:

Anxious vs avoidance. Cycle never changes unless both people get therapy.

Sounds like a classic case of avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

Always blame it on your past. Responsibility for yourself is important.

Maybe he has tried to balance his nature by choosing someone who is his opposite.

Too serious too young. 5 years, not married, then it is not meant to be. Do NOT marry her. You know this. Get right with yourself. There are plenty of needy women out there if that's still what you want.

What is the ASUS test, and where can I take it? I can't afford therapy, but I would very much like the work on myself and my marriage.

This sounds exactly like my husband and I

John let's be real....you never had to call your wife several times for her to answer. Guys when someone has to call you over and over to answer, thats not a health relationship. She's avoiding him. Is that good?

since the comments are off on the 500th episode. I’ll say it here. John, the way your wife speaks to you is so unfortunate. And the way you speak about yourself when you’re around her. You deserve so much better… ❤️

He needs a certain type of love she can't give. He doesn't have an issue!

His GF is looking for the door

3:26 Yo you’re crazy😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Simple Have you considered giving a therapist ??

I took your test and damn I feel like I suck

Aw this guy is the male version of me it sounds like. I got a 10 out of 10 on the aces 😫 I onl just started working on myself right before I turned 30 🫣 what do ya know, got two mood disorders that went unnoticed wreaking havoc along side my adhd. Border polar spiceyness. Fear of abandonment is a big BPD trait. I didn’t even see that fear for what it was because it sounded so pitiful lol

Is John telling him to leave hia wife? I'm confused.

If she's not at work and doesn;t do anything that day and is not communicating with her partner or spending time - she found a replacement. And he feels anxious because there are clues that she's seeing someone else. He should leave.

I normally listen to these videos and I'm watching this one, is it me or does Dr. John never stop moving. Seems almost like he is ultra anxious.

Man up ❤

What's with all these chicks berating this guy? why are you villainizing him? Anytime it's a girl who had a bad family dynamic leading to unhealthy attachments these hypocrits are soooo supportive. And now it's a guy...so it MUST be his fault? Call me a pickme but you women are insanely selfish.

He’s the man that wants a build a bear…Women ARE NOT FREE THERAPY

That's why many people say "a relationship works best when the woman is more into the relationship than the man". I know most of you are going to say they should be into it equally, but psychologically speaking, that's impossible! In every relationship there's the adored and the adorer

Based on these comments I don’t think women like relationships with men that like them back lmfao. No wonder why the divorce rate is so high

Title says wife, the guy in the video says girlfriend of 5 years.

Very irritated with these video titles; clearly says "my wife" but it's really a 5-year GIRLFRIEND, totally different dynamics & expectations! Just click-bait-and-switch!

This what it’s like to be a beta?