New relationship? Why pace can make or break it 

anyboy else in love with her decor? the colors the style...that chaiselonge in the back...i need it

This is some of the best relationship advice I've stumbled upon on youtube. There truly aren't any "One size fits all" approach for relationships. Relationships are subjective to the experiences of both partners. Some may think that seeing eachother three times a week is excessive, with the latter feeling comfortable. It's up to you, and how your partner feels. The tricky part, is it takes knowing an understanding yourself, and being authentic so that the connection is natural and NOT forced!

Found this really helpfull. My last brief relationship went waaay to fast and ended in disaster. This time it’s different and feels so much nicer. And we communicate so well on a lot of different things too. Going steady really is the way to go for me

We were fluid within a week. Never played games, I never had to question anything. We are pacing ourselves intentionally though. It's hard because we are sooooo attracted to each other.

I've recently got into a new relationship and we've had a relatively fast pace, but it does feel pretty natural, at first I was worried that maybe we were going too fast but after watching your video I realised that we've been respectful with each other, respected each other's personal liver, we're allowing ourselves only have contact when both of us can, and I think that our experiences in the past are responsible for our pacing, to me, we've found in each other a lot of things thay we've missed in the past.

You are seriously so articulate. This helps tremendously. I have commented previously on a video about how to not be a fake you in a relationship because that’s what I did with my ex. And now I’m watching this because I want to make things right with a new, awesome guy in my life. Funny how you think life can “end” if you’re not with someone but trust me, once you get rid of that crazy expectation, there are endless possibilities!

Pacing is so Important, Susan is so smart and full of wisdom.

Fantastic, so true! I noticed that too, after dating just enough people (doesn't have to be a whole lot, different for everyone, I feel) allows you to be more aware, see clearer of what you want and don't want for sure. Thank you! 💚

This is GREAT info. My partner said your exact words. I almost thought he saw your video.

I'm in a relationship now. My former ones I always went with whatever pace the person operated on or how things are. These days I take to heart if I'm comfortable or not and voice it openly.

Wow, there is a lot covered here! You are always brilliant Susan. I can relate to " pacing" so much...I am the foot-dragger and I am the one full of fear.I do not fear love...I fear losing me...I fear marriage. I have been dating this great man for 2 months now and we now see each other week-ends and one night during the week. That seems like a lot to me but nothing to him. It takes me months to fall in love with someone and I what I feel overtaking me is attachment and safety...not love. But I adore his fatherly ways towards me...and I think I could fall in love with him. But I need a lot of time and I’m not sure he could give me that time. Sometimes a person can love you enough for two...but that’s a dangerous road. xxoo adore you, Susan

Thank you for sharing the example of your friend in the end! That really puts things in perspective of how my life is currently!!

I’m much slower at the beginnings of something new these days (I’m 39). I’ve literally just started seeing someone, four times in the space of two weeks. He started rushing the physical side with me on date 3, and I made it clear I want to move at a slower pace. He met me for date four, and again, wanted sex. He’s confused, because he knows I like him, and he is very sexually attracted to me and also likes me. But he is finding it hard to understand my tentative pace with sex. I’ve been very open and explained that it is my pace, my preference, and that I rushed the physical side in the last and found that it created a false sense of intimacy, before my mind had time to catch up with my body. Anyway. He said he understands and respects that I have boundaries and am caring for my emotional state. But I’m scared to stand my ground and stay true to myself. My instinct is to please him and give him what he wants, otherwise I will lose him. It’s the first time I’ve done things at my own pace, and it feels different and a little scary! But, I have to think - if he truly likes me and wants me, he will understand and wait!!! Aaaaaaargh!!! Loved listening to you video. It’s so apt. And very helpful. Thank you!

Wow I really needed to hear all of this! Thank you so much! I will watch this video again to make sure I didn’t miss anything

Yeah! First time my like ever went from 999 to 1k! Appreciate your videos a lot, thank you so much Susan! I especially like to listen for the exact words and phrases you advise us to use for those important conversations.

Thank you Ms Susan, I feel much better about myself after hearing you.

Thank you. Excellent advice and much appreciated.

this video is everything we needed to hear! So enlightening ! Thank u, Susan!!! I`ll watch again and again..

You are articulate, insightful and always offer sound advice. Thank you.

Thank you! I needed this. Great advice!

Thank you for this video and great advice. ❤️

Your a genius! I just started dating again, and this clarified everything for me. So now I know I’m pacing myself the right way with the guy I’ve been seeing! Thank you!

Great words! Very sensible advice.

One word, Excellent!!!

Omg like thank you! It’s really helping me

Some great advice she gives, thanks Susan!

Even in these covid times, your advice is so helpful. Thank you! but with a lot more free time to text and call and just be together YET not being able to plan outings with all these closures and uncertainty has made for a quite interesting pace.

Solid advice, thank you for sharing

Girl I love you so much ! So helpful

How would this apply to a long distance situation? How is the pacing then? What about intimacy, what’s the pacing there? It’s not like you have the convenience of seeing them when you feel like it with a short drive /cab ride away on the weekend.

This was very good thank you.

Thank you! Oooo hard truths! My new partner wants me to meet the kids, we’ve only known each other a week! Just like you say she’s maybe not for me but she is really nice.. I won’t be wrangled thanks to your advice and I’ll comfort her and let her know how I feel

Brilliant video Susan 🙏🙏 thank you. Watching your video will help me to manage the pace of a new relationship 👍

i love the way you communicate! :) It's so helpful! Love your videos!

I so needed to hear this right now 💓

good God thank you for the vindication. I was pumping the brakes at the beginning of a relationship to make sure my 5 year old was stable from the divorce and also follow his lead about being around my new girlfriend. I was met with "When am I going to be your top priority?". I communicated exactly why I was being soo deliberate, but it was not good enough. And when she didn't get what she wanted, she set the whole thing on fire. Allot of time and effort burned to the ground for lack of maturity. I've learned from it.

Love it !!! And it is probably tells one of reason why my ex had broke up with me at the first place coz his pace and mine are very very different and at that time I seemed couldn't understand his position at all... Anyway, if it is not the right timing or not meant to be then it is what it is however I do feel that at some level we had a lot of commons and connection, and of course chemistry too...

Thank you! Great insight

Susan! From all the coaches I’ve watched on RU-vid, you are by far amazing. The way you speak, and talk ... it’s REAL. Love it!!! Keep them coming please :)

Susan you are so helpful 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Very helpful video, thankyou.

really good video, thanks!

thank you for the help

So much wisdom

You’re amazing!!!!!!

Amazing insight 🙌 Thank you

I needed to hear this. Thank you.

Hi Susan. This was really cool video, thank you. I've been seeing a new guy for two months. It had a rocky start due to some confusing behaviour from his end at first, then a death in my family followed by a death in his. And now I'm about to have laser keyhole surgery that will take a good few months to recover from!!! A most unusual start to something new! I can't find any videos that advise on how to deal with illness/surgery early on in meeting someone, how to manage expectations and not pressurise a new 'date'. But also how to let go of fears that they will be still online and messaging and dating women while you are in bed and convalescing!!! I thought I'd put the situation out there as a possible video subject!!! XXxX

Excellent information Susan. In this age with computers, and the sadly common attitude of "it's right now or never going to happen" I have noticed people are so used to instant gratification. So many people do not have self control and just jump right in without looking at what they are jumping into. They do not pay attention to their own actions and they do not take responsibility for their own actions. So when a new relationship goes wrong one or both people jump to conclusions and it gets very toxic very quickly. I have made the mistake myself of just jumping in and finding out that she was not even close to being as interested as I was. Or finding out I was not intended as she was. I made mistakes in my actions, I learned from them, and I made amends for what I did wrong in those relationships. By doing that I was able to learn more about myself, what I want, what I can bring into a relationship, not repeat my actions that ruined the relationship, and then be able to move forward with my life to start a healthy relationship. I would suggest to anyone to keep a journal of their relationship. That way they can keep track of their actions, keep track of what they are happy with, and they can reflect on their own actions and see their progress in the relationship. Then they can becoming willing to practice honesty, open mindedness, and willing to do the work for the relationship is not just important for the person it is important for the relationship. The journal might sound like micro management of one's self to some people. I see it as a useful tool to prevent repeating past behavior that leads to failure. From my personal experience going slowly, practicing healthy communication with her, listening to her, being able to share with her my thoughts, share my feelings, my willingness to learn, and work with her. Practicing these actions putting them to use they will continue to help me in a relationship. By doing this going at a healthy pace and not rushing has been not just helpful to me I have noticed that it helps her too. Anyways I am done rambling and I am so glad to have seen this video today. Thank you so much Susan for sharing your wonderful advice. I look forward to seeing your next new video. Take care and have a wonderful day and an awesome weekend.

Susan, I am happy I ran across this video. My story is; after 3 months of talking with someone LDR they stopped talking to me because according to them think 3 months was to long to not know our love language and moving forward in a relationship. However; I went with the pace that seemly we both had. They weren't pushing so I didn't push or pressuring so I didnt. And thats not me anyway. However; they were more open than I was. They call everyday, each night, even while they was on vacation. Once they got breaks while to work. We had wonderful convesation full laughs bcuz we both love to laugh. (I dnt know if ne being a fire sign/they being a Capricorn earth sign played any small difference as well). Prior to meeting this person I was already going through some things; career changes, financial etc. and didn't want to express all of this while just getting to someone bcuz I wasn't sure if we would have made it to a rltshp or long term. And too, i am private person, independent so i like to watch and wait. But, that didnt sit well with them they wanted to help and i refuse.. again it was only 2months in i wasnt excepting help from soneone i wasnt 100 sure of. ANYWA one day we had a our first big argument where this seal the deal for them. where my ex friend said they had given me free range to be myself and open up. And the fact that they shared and open up willingly to me I should have known that they can be trusted. They also said I am complete otherwise but I am not expressive and hide my feelings. I try to explain that I had my guard up a little and I would have eventually shared a lot more about myself. And not bcuz they are a open book make ne one. ANYWA I told them we can work on it slowly. They said they was scare and if I am close now this may be an indication what it may be like 6months or year or two down the road. I told them we never had a rltshp and that was not a fear assessment. (Initially we both communicated on the bases of just being friends and not to rush into anything serious. We was intimate only but once. Prior to this I notice they was calling and checking on me a lot; talking about their job, meeting, their family background, past life, their dog etc. I share but in doses. Just a little. They use to send me love song about them being in love. I would just say'nice song n smile. I wondered if they was in love bcuz before sending those songs they would always say that in a rltshp they love hard and try to make their rltshp work. (But i would just sit on the phone and listen) so i wonder if They were in their feelings. But never asked. They claim after 3months they feel like they don't know me. After the text stop coming and the communication became flat I try to talk to them and they keep saying they scare to move forward with me bcuz they are not one to be in wasted meaningless rltshp. I remember being disappointed in hearing all the negative bcuz we never had a rltshp and I felt they were condemning me. I also felt like some people want a rltshp when they want it but should have said it. After 3 weeks off n on trying I reason with them. Bcuz to me, it seem fixable. But to them it was not. After not getting anywhere I finally decided we can be friends. They said they are not ready to be friends bcuz they were not talking to me as a friend but to build something. Said when we both ready. I was ready to be friends but they wasnt. So, the firend was out the window too. Anywa, I said fine and, I told them take care. That was oct 7 2017 a little over one month. I just think rltshp and people are strange and it causes you to not even want to bother anymore. I had missed talking to them but now it's like I got harden from the fact that I think they could have dealt with me differently. Everyone is not alike. Susan, can you please share some light to this at least for my own understanding.

oh wow! somehow I think that you know what you're talking about. excellent advice, thank you.

Thank you for this video Susan. This helped calm me down a little bit. I had a talk with my girlfriend and everything is ok. I told her I don't ever want her to feel pressured but sometimes I can't help myself she'll have to blame God for making her so attractive to me lol. Her husband cheated on her and its hard for her to completely open up to me at this stage in the relationship. She said she see's and knows im a good Man and that she can see a future with me but she needs to slow down and give her some time to process her emotions. She's guarding her heart and I totally understand. I respect and admire this woman very much. My marriage ended due to my wife having an affair. So I can totally empathize with her. I think or feel eventually she's going to open up and never let me go.

so helpful thank you x

Perfect timing watching this Thank you . He wanted a relationship in 4 dates . I ran ..

Pacing is perfect... I can wait. I will wait. 💕💜💖

thank you, Susan...

Love your dress Susan 💗

God Bless You..this is God sent!

Wise wise wise advice, as always! 😘

How about pacing (important) expectations and needs? After reaching fluidity and mutual devotion at what pace would you go about showing what you need and expect from a partner without activating feelings of inadequacy in them or making them feel overwhelmed. I find that this is never an issue when I am with self-assured decisive types like myself but its confusing with feet dragger fearful types as even my slowed down pace is still fast to them

Susan I'm seeing a man who has said to me that he is not the typical guy who rushes into a relationship. He said generally people show up with their representative first & it takes a while to get to know the real person. I've been on this slow pace for months. He's a great catch & he has assured me that he likes & always has. After being strictly friends for years we finally made love last month and it was wonderful. He still calls regularly but doesn't take me out much. This is so very challenging & I'm wondering if his excuse of taking it slow & why are valid?

I love you channel so much

I love you so much I love the way how you are presenting I am so lucky to find your page :D:D

so good

I love you!

This help a lot. We knew from the first day we were a match. We had not met in person yet but it did move fast in texting then on the phone. Then she ask to slow down and told me she is scared but also that she loves me. So I will slow down as we don't want to ruin this by going too fast. WE are suppose to meet next week and we will move at a slower pace.

If a girl is willing to sleep with you on the second date but also tells you that you are putting too much trust on her which is discomforting, questions you how can someone trust and care for a girl this much within two dates and lectures you to ease into trusting; what does this mean? I date only one girl at a time, don't sleep with a girl until in a committed relationship and I don't hold back on trusting people around me unless they have given me a reason not to do so. Yes, that makes me open to hurt and betrayal, but not giving someone I like 100% is emotional cheating for me. I am not sure if this kind of personality is my subconscious way of weeding out wishy-washy/option holder type girls or bad trait that turns off girls?

I have the same questions Eva L has too. I just met a guy on line and he lives 200 miles away. Personally I'd rather run into the right guy through friends or some other way in person but haven't had the opportunity so I have to resort to online dateing. The problem I'm having with the guy I've been communicating on line with is he is moving way too slow! I'm starting to consider thinking about not placing so much value on trying to move forward with him.

Relationship skills should naturally develop when you grow up as a child. Watching this makes me feel that I'm seriously lacking lol

Hi Susan, love your videos & advices! Btw, my bf (50 & I'm 48) (3mos relationship) is an alpha male who can be very emotionally stubborn in seeing my pov of things. What approaches do u recommend so we (he & I) can learn to compromise or see eye-to-eye better? Thank you!

Very true

Good Advice.But what about a new partner that is moving very slow and is giving mixed Signals?

Dang Susan, you've done it again....the last couple you talked about sounded just like my lady and me. She works still. I'm retired. She also takes care of her mother. She kinda told me and I actually knew that during the week shes is just tooo busy. But weekend we have great times. Its works well for me. We have paced for pushing 4 months now and things are getting pretty solid. I'm 64 and she's 55. We pretty much know what we need and want out of life at this point. We talk "around" marriage at this point. It's funny because we are just trying to get a feel for how we roll up the toothpaste I guess. As usual great video. Not sure what I did before I found you...thank you for all you do!!

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread"... my gut feeling was going OFF when my ex wanted to introduce his 3 children (5,7,9!) to me in week 4! (50/50 custody with his ex wife) I explained it was way too soon for me and he just didn't feel settled until we had met saying "kids and I are a package deal and they will love you so much omg" . Me, at 44 never has kids and never married took on way too much injecting sooo much positivity into their lives .. i lost myself (took days off from my business to look after them as he was in so much debt) I gave in and met them.. fell in love with them as they took to me like fish to water. After only 2-3 months, I was so depleted and I had to work on disengaging bc I was too involved in their lives when it wasn't my responsibility .. fast forward 9 months later and I was totally exhausted and $7K spent on kids (my fault giving too much) from him expecting me to parent them and drive his parenting bus! I had a breakdown and he couldn't handle me wanting space.. he knows he broke me and felt really bad but is a type of guy who will take if offered a freebie...We had a phenomenal connection and born on same day but I felt like I just kept wanting to go home and recharge as it was way too much. He knew his life was way too chaotic too but we clicked so well. It's not worth it guys, listen to your gut, don't get caught up in the fantasy.. Susan you're amazing xx

Thank you for this video I am taking it slow with a guy that I met through friends. We have chemistry and he felt like he was moving to fast at first, so he pulled back for about two months. I was beginning to think he was gone. Then he contacted me out of the blue and apologize and we agreed to take it slow. We have both been out of a relationship for a year as well. He is also eight years younger then me. I like him and hope we work out. Thanks again

Thanks

Maybe its wrong for me. But being a younger man myself. I can end aching for her. And all I wanted is for her to take control.

the smart contrast to the "too hot too soon" clip

Woow! that's what i needed. I thought it was only me! My current boyfriend jumped into the relationship so fast i didn't even know we were a couple. just on the second date, as he told me later. we were on the phone and he said we are together and i was shocked like how and when did this happen, i was very interested in him then and didn't neglect anything, which i kinda regret. as the time passed, l was starting to lose interest, even tho he is perfect, i felt something was off. especially because after one week of dating he told me he loves me, which was very unrealistic for me . He was talking about future plans and about me meeting his parents in a month and so. I felt really bad, because i didn't feel the same way. We had an instant emotional connection, but nothing but that. now we are in the relationship for almost 2 months and i have more and more doubts, i became very indifferent, i don't miss him at all and feel like have no feelings, i just want to be friends, i don't want to loose him entirely. We had a conversation and he knows how i feel and he understands me. He even admitted he rushed things up, he said he was afraid i wouldn't want to see him after the second date so he gave it a try. For me it was too fast. We haven't even flirted with each other or went on a romantic date. Even tho i like being next to him, i feel bored, the spark is gone for me. like we have no common interests, and in addition he has a very low self-esteem and is total opposite of me. I feel like if we had more time from the start, i might have fallen for him or just stayed friends, but now it all just disappeared. I was hoping the feeling would come, but it didn't happen. I don't want to hurt him, i even tried to break up but i couldn't, cause i didn't want to loose contact with him, i care about him, however not enough for being with him.

I struggle because I tell the men that I want to start out as friends before even thinking about a relationship. It seems that every one of them tries to escalate from texting to phone calls or video chat within the first 24 hours of online meeting a total stranger. I dont even do those things with my sister and she lives across the street from me! I prefer to do those things AFTER a meet up and I am SURE that I want to continue the acquaintance. I'm also turned off by men who will "respectfully" ask me if I like to hold hands, kiss, or cuddle, during the first few hours of conversation. 😢It just makes me feel like they have an "agenda" that crashes right against my walls. Am I wrong?

What if the person who is guarded has cause for going slow, but it's not particularly measurable or can be tracked (for instance a negative opinion, thought or emotion) as opposed to an actually physical project?

she asked lol I love you Susan!!

Fearful or not interested is the question

I'm not big on random texting in between conversation and will express that sentiment in my next dating experience. If we're not in a relationship, texting me whenever I cross your mind is unnecessary and annoys me. I don't want the guy to think im not into him but I just don't value those texts (every day) the way I do a conversation 3-4 times a week. Texts conversation. Can drag on for DAYS when all.that messaging can be relayed in a 30-minute phone conversation. It's that simple to me.

Wow!!!!

I've messed everything up. Lost him forever:-(

Susan I got a lot out of your video but I'm kind of confused about something in the beginning of the video you said you don't have to keep track of who made the move last time and who's turn it is to move next. Shouldn't people make sure they take turns because other wise if they don't only 1 person is doing the pursuing and thats a bad way to do things isn't it?

Over 1/2 the world lives in regret. Forgot Had Love Always.

SUSAN EXCELLENT AND USUAL SIMPLE EFFECTIVE COMMON SENSE APPROACH Susan you're always smart and well presented thank you OWEN LONDON UK 🇬🇧💎💎💎🌹🌹🌹🥂🥂🥂

I'm in a really strange relationship. I began seeing my ex from 33 years ago in early November. Neither of us want to remarry at this point in our lives. And even living together is very questionable. But, we still love each other and are in a magamonist relationship. I have spent time at his house and he spends time at my house. We tell each other every day, usually via texts, that we love each other. Do you think that our relationship has a chance to be a lasting one. I'm 77 and he's 73. Any and all advice would be very welcome

Great advice, Susan. But what do you do when you are the hesitant one, the scared one? You know this person is what you have been looking for, you have hoped for, yet are afraid to let your guard down?I have been hurt too many times in the past. I want to trust. I want to love. But every time I have let my guard down, it eventually blew up in my face. I have just stopped looking bc I can't go through any more emotional pain & disappointments from relationships.

Yes Im a widow...U am very guarded

Ok so...I’m the foot dragger & that’s only because I don’t want someone around every damn day! I love my space & the freedom that comes with it! I’ve had several men give up on me because I won’t do the whole jumping into something. I’m wondering if it’s because I just haven’t met a guy that makes me want to give up my space or if I just don’t need a man... it isn’t fair to them for me to “use them” when I want. I don’t want to make them feel that way. What the hell do I do!?

I love the way you talk

does this also apply if she's dating a coworker? obviously they work together and already have a bond. i was with her for 9 years, and she left because we had issues. she jump onto another relationship within a month and even moved in with him 150 miles away from her home. Leaving myself, her friends and family behind. And she came from a large city to a small town. I'm wondering if she'll come to her senses and return home after the romance stage fades. I guessing shes going to feel very disconnected and lonely being that far away, and will miss what she left behind.

Just started seeing a guy he’s 55 ,I’m 46 We FaceTime d twice and then he asked to meet , met at a park everything looked great.He texted me right after the date that he had a great time.He however has not texted much since then but after two days did ask me out again. So in other words wants to see me but in between there’s minimal communication. Not sure what to interpret from that.

Me and my gf has been friend for years but not close friend. In year 5 we started dating. But she is a very busy person. We barely meet each other once a week. Sometimes its two and sometimes once every three weeks. She even cant meet up in my birthday, yes she sent cake and wax to me but lighten it up myself? Then when we alreadh 3months into relationship i told her all what i felt and if i important for her? What she said was im not her priorities, but third behind family and best friends..i get it, and she said she had plans for her career and wanted to evaluate if she is ready for a relationship because at first she didnt think at first that the relationship will affect her career plan and her time. What do you think susan?

Soon 100 days with my bf… we rushed in my opinion. Although overall it’s a great relationship so far and he is a decent man. However at this moment I want to distance myself from him a little bit. We send each other good morning texts every day, a proper phone conversation every night before bed and saying “I love you” everyday…

Yes I was the foot dragger. And I lost. She moved on very quickly.

Hello good morning Susan! I would like to ask your advice. I met her online my partner we are talking almost 4 moths.we are in ldr. She told me she will visit me this coming Oct but everything was changed she cannot come becoz of financial problems. But she change a lots she is not replying my message like before it take 1 to 2 hour before she can reply she is cold.. What should I do? Do I need to continue to reply her or should I stop I love her so much I'm a girl. Thank you hope to hear you advice