the bit about love languages at the end was SPOT ON. receiving gifts makes me feel soooo awkward, and its really hard for me to see love in a gift when it misses the mark. its like, i thought you understood me but i guess you didnt🥲and now i have a physical reminder of that misunderstanding that i get to keep forever
I’m a four and I think touch and words of affirmation are my most desired experiences from my partner. I need to hear you love me and I need to feel it literally
Same, honestly. People don’t understand that head scratchies are of vital importance. If she’s not running her fingers through my hair regularly, it can only mean she wishes I were dead, there’s just no other explanation... LOL
Holy shit I feel naked! It's amazing how a stranger who lives on the other side of the world understands the core of my being while everyone in my immediate environment is clueless 🤪 Thank you for the video 😊🤗😇
I know I should make my type 5 husband of 20 years watch this, but I might cringe myself into dust if he learns all of my humiliating secrets😂 Thank you so much for all of your excellent content! It has helped me understand myself and the people I love so much better♥️
I think 4s feel like we're equal parts awesome and deeply flawed. Makes it hard to maintain good self-esteem and strong self worth. Or at least that's how I feel being a 4.
I was in a long-term relationship with a 4. My biggest struggle was he idealized me from afar and wanted more quality time but when we would spend time together he was constantly frustrated with me (push-pull dynamic). He dominated conversations with mundane work stories or the expression of his creative and political ideas. He didn't inquire about my feelings and experiences (as a 9 that is very triggering). When I finally suggested therapy he raged because he felt I was trying to change who he was (which was not the case). I only wanted us to learn skills to bring us back together. Oh, and he HATED gifts! Wanted Christmas canceled :P
Thanks for sharing this personal experience of relationship with 4s! Definitely sounds like you got hit with the dark side of the less-than-healthy traits.
Ouch! I’m the 4 in a relationship with a 9. That thing about talking about my political views and mundane work stuff felt embarrassingly familiar to read 😳🫣 Now I’m wondering if I can fix that or if I’m just too fundamentally flawed and will inevitability end up alone/abandoned in some horribly depressing and ugly place. I guess so 4’ish of me to express 😶
@YouveGotaType “Loneliness causes the 4 to idealize the one they lost as some idealized version of who they were , which causes them to come running or crawling back based on how much pride they have left”. WOW. How is this sooo true? Where In the heck did you gather all this info to be this good at dissecting the enneagram types? 10/10 , subscribed
So glad you're enjoying the channel, and appreciate the sub! I give big props to Don Riso & Russ Hudson of the enneagram institute for their teachings. And regarding your comments on my shorts videos about advice, I'd really recommend their book The Wisdom of the Enneagram if you're looking for solid, practical advice about how to become the healthiest version of yourself and using the enneagram as your compass to navigate the journey. Hope it helps!
You have no idea how often I've paused the video because of how accurately you described the things I can't put into words; I was either laughing or cringing at my coping style. As a 4w5 sx, the withdrawing part was wonderfully articulated, and I'm horrified that I keep doing that in real life and in my imagination. I tend to withdraw from my family and friends because I feel like I've overexposed myself in some way and see if they noticed I was gone or not. If not, I get annoyed at them... and clearly, I need to work on adequately communicating that withdrawing phase. For authenticity, I can see through my family and friends unsaid words and facades, and when the time is right, they tend to share things with me - ESPECIALLY the painful topics that they rarely discuss with anyone else. Most of the time, I cry (the usual) or empathize (maybe even beyond that) with them. My soul felt connected to them at that profound moment, given both of my wings tend to reflect on their reason(s) and emotions. As an artist, intuition is helpful when it comes to expressing myself! It pulls me out of my rut, and I start getting out there and posting my art again! It also helps me be more aware of my reactions and how to direct them to something meaningful instead. Thinking about it, I should develop my wing 3 more to get myself out there. Also, the last section was uncanny because there was this one time I and my family discussed what love language they preferred. We all share a common one: words of affirmation, so it's a pretty spot on for me! I also added that my second language is quality time. Anyways, great video! I can't wait for the Enneagram 5 video next week :)
Thank you so much for writing this wonderfully thoughtful comment! It took so much time to craft each theme in the hopes that they would resonate like this, so this all felt great to read 🙌
I LOVED reading this!!! I tend, almost always, to feel that my long-winded explanations show that I am insecure and too serious or that I just need to be a little more shallow in my approach to social interactions but it’s just. Now. Who. I. Am. And reading this really helped me realize I just gotta push through that slight negative self-talk and embrace this as my reality. Someone will love me well and find it attractive, one day.
Oof the sx 4 is truly tortured, no matter their upbringing or wing. I am a 4w5 sp and constantly think of how important it is to give as much time and forgiveness as possible the sx 4, so tortured. Thank you for sharing.
I'm at 459 (4w5) and acts of service is my ultimate love language but I can see how one would intellectually assume we don't want those things; but I cry sometimes when my wife makes a meal, and it could be something as simple as oatmeal... I am profoundly grateful and feel alive when someone actually does something for me.
The thing about love languages is sooo true... I’d rather you just give me a letter professing your love and admiration rather than a gift that I feel you didn’t think deeply about. There’s nothing I hate more than unintentional gifts ... or gifts just for the sake of gifting it makes me feel like you really don’t understand me. Because I crave intensity and deep connection, you’re better off telling me why you got me the gift rather than buying me some really expensive and fancy gift like a piece of jewelry that had no thought process behind it whatsoever.
Wow. I’ve been working with my therapist and this pretty much just wrapped it all in a bow. I agree with your assessment of love languages for a 4. Give me quality time because it feels authentic. The words of affirmation are good but can feel shallow if not backed up by a good cuddle and deep conversation.
What you said about being rather with a partner who is authentically messy than with one who won't let anyone see behind their shiny persona low-key made so much sense, I'm starting to understand my own past a lot better. Thank you so much, I had to laugh so hard🥰😂
Yeah, right on the money, bro. As a four-type, I realize I need to work on myself. And I'm finally making some connection as to why my last relationship didn't work and why people were frustrated at me in friendships. Thanks, man, for your help, and keep making excellent content.
My pleasure, and bravo for the humble self-reflection you're doing! People that are willing to put in the hard work (like you) are the reason I make this stuff.
I'm a type 4. As for Love Language, yes, quality time & words of affirmation. BUT I appreciate any kind of love language since it's a mean of "showing love".😌
this has made me understand moreso why I view everyone through a lens of "why?" "Why?" as in, "why" does this person speak in this way to me, "why" do they react to this situation this way, etc. I examine people and I naturally see below the surface and if someone is putting up a front for the world. This is especially true for me when a person is putting on a face to blend in with those around them and lack uniqueness in any way and just "go with the flow" of the masses; I find it repulsive! Anyway, thank you for this video it was very encouraging
Glad you found it encouraging :) And thanks for sharing your personal perspective on these traits, feels like it fits a lot with the theme of authenticity
You really hit the mark! Every word! I’ve never understood why those around me don’t appreciate how special I am! 😆 I love giving gifts, but it is close to impossible to give me a gift that goes over well! Thank-you for this insight into myself and what those around me go through!
Don’t forget people give what they most desire back. I lean on 2 tremendously. I have six brothers and five sisters. Over half are twos. I’m a four and they have taught me so much about considering others and making sure I help others at all costs. My personal journey also involves me needing to make sure I also help myself
Meu amigo, você acertou em tudo! Inclusive na afirmação de que receber um presente que não tem nada a ver com o quatro, isso pode soar como um insulto. HAHAHAHAHA Excelente trabalho, obrigado
Becoming so clear I will be alone forever. No one has time to go through even 1 season of a this 4. Its awful being an empath, a 4, an INFP-T. I feel too much, and everyone leaves ones they are done with dumping all their pain.
As a 5 with a wing firmly planted in 4, I will say I adore the fact that I am all the negatives of the 4 themselves. Ah, to repress these emotions and make them behave... often at the end of a point-ed stick. This is why I am looking forward to the video on 5s that will be 30 seconds long and will say "continue to repress your emotions and bury them deep inside." Wait... That's the wrong index card. Ah, here we go. "Continue to be British." There we go! Great video as always! Gives me something to chew on for sure!
Everytime I hear stuff about 4s I always laugh because I'm being called out in such a raw but accurate way. It's cringe but also helping me understand myself in a way I never could. Thanks for the content it's very appreciated
Words of affirmation in terms of responding to what a 4 is trying to communicate. There is nothing more loving than hearing that you have been understood. Personally, I'm acts of love. Service...as in bringing a coffee for me in the morning...helping me sort a tech issue...Those feel real. Words sometimes sound hollow...quality time yes...but not too much lol
As a four, I've been reflecting //ofc I've been XD// abt the gift giving thing. Although I do appreciate when someone gifts me something that really resonates with me, and it clearly shows that they know me, what I want, etc. As I watched ur video "Type 4s Explained," I realize that I don't need to interpret it from that pov. Giving a gift that doesn't resonate with me doesn't have to mean that someone doesn't know me or can't love me the way I want to be loved that is through meaning and understanding. Instead it can show a part of how they think of me which is different with how I think of myself. A gift and an insight at the same time. Or, maybe they just aren't the type to love by meaning, or they don't have the time and energy, and that's okay. Interpreting and identifying patterns, once noticed, makes it easier to be a healthy 4. Objective journaling of unhealthy patterns and where they stem from, then create new ones, I think are some great ways to self-improve that is natural for type 4's. Thank you Colton!
I’m a 4w5. It’s taken a lot of work to modulate the unbeneficial parts of 4…the “good” parts I’m learning to embrace. I’m thinking I’ll always be alone so that’s tough but I’ll be okay.
I consistently test as a 5. So far I haven't been able to relate to descriptions of 5w4 or 5w6 very well. But I MUST have a 4 wing because I am emotional. And I recognize myself in some of this. However, that thing about the gifts....that's not me. As others have said, they hate Christmas. As a logical person who also hates Christmas, I actually gave it up for a long time. But it's not because people can't shop right for me. I'm grateful for anything. I just hate environmental waste, I dislike things that make no sense ideologically, and I'm sorry but I HATE shopping for people who are like the #4 as described here. Let's all just buy our own stuff and be happy.
As a 4, I find touch is a powerful love language for me. I even jokingly say to relative you can never overestimate the power of hug but you can underestimate it. Oh, and quality time is good too. As for words of affirmation, meh.
love your take on the love languages. I’m a 4. If you give me a gift I don’t like, omg I will judge you so bad. 😅, confirmation that you don’t know me confirms feelings of being misunderstood , reinforcing how lonely and unloveable I am, etc etc. A 1 friend who “accidentally on purpose” drops and breaks items that aren’t good enough, or bins or sends the offending article to the charity store, has helped me deal with this. My partner gave me some jewellery early on, it was nearly enough to make me want to break up with him. He obviously learnt, and doesn’t give me gifts these days, except he does give me quality time and appreciation. 👌 for me.
Your videos are excellent. I am a four with a three wing. I am 28 and have never been in a relationship romantically because of a lot of the traits that you have described. A mixture of fear of being truly seen and accepted for my sometimes messy emotions, and fantasy/creative life I live in my head, and my genuine love for being independent and in control and able to live in my fantasy world with no interruptions or judgment, a lot of it due to my childhood.. I realize more than ever recently, that in order to actually accomplish the goals that I am so passionate about in my life I actually have to take daily disciplined steps, and it’s so easy to fall out of that. The creative part of me overtakes the realistic part of me. So I’m working on that Lol. I’m also, according to the national enneagram Institute, almost equally a type 8, as I am a type 4. So battling with my type four traits, I also struggle with trying to dominate situations and my desire to be a valued leader, particularly when it comes to my passion for human rights, but I feel like I’m actually on the healthier side of my 8 personality where I allow my own humanity to be seen just as much as my passion for helping others and I don’t feel like I need to control as much as leading with empathy knowledge and trust in myself. I feel like I can be a leader in that way. In a healthy way. My type four is where I struggle, but I have reached more and more towards being a healthy 4 over the past few years. And I definitely see myself in the three wings how I want to be successful and liked and seen as sophisticated. In my art specifically. As someone who is an actress and singer, and wants to be successful in it, and genuinely wants to be seen, and be proud of who I am, I constantly, and I mean constantly, am thinking about different celebrities that I admire, comparing myself to them, trying to find similar traits with myself to validate myself since I really do feel like there is always something wrong with me lol. Your videos described everything perfectly, and it was almost like an out of body experience hearing myself described like that. Each time I learn more about my personality type, the more I understand it and I see the growth and I understand what I need to do to continue to grow. This stuff is so cool. I am really proud to be a four, I read that we are the rarest of personality types and I really believe that four is, typically artists, humanitarian, etc. help change the world, and I can’t think of anything better. Kind of the point of life, to know who you are, to reflect humanity, and be able to help others genuinely and authentically live life. To me, that’s the meaning of life. ❤
im *fairly sure* that im a type 4, nearly everything lands so much n is describing me. buuuttt that last thing u said i cldnt relate to less - my #1 love language above all is acts of service. its how i show and receive love. and it definitely doesn't go unnoticed ever, nor feel like a slight against me. whereas words of affirmation feel hollow and make me super uncomfortable, most of the time. its like they say "actions speak louder than words" n all haha
my love language is definitely quality time and words of affirmation, nothing like a good conversation on a rainy afternoon with a cup of coffee ☕lol... plus looking out the window for a dramatic touch 🤣
Type four and acts of service is BIG for me and affirmations though I really don't know how to process the affirmations, but showing me love by doing things with or for me.. huge
So true. I would much rather date someone edgy aggressive etc than someone who has all that stuff lurking within them while they're picture perfect. I mean 3s can't help it so I actually like them and try to help them. It's the ESTJs man (my mother specifically) the fi inferior is maddening
second " dart through the heart" accurate video in as many days... must subscribe then. thats done. re love languages, i love to give gifts. very well thought out hand created /curated things bespoke af etc. reflecting that one day that one time that thing you dig the most... that sort of thing and love to receive things as such. like an inside code or something. how predictably 4 of me...
this is so spot on! I really value the messy, raw emotions, ugly crying, frustrations lol... bc we can feel so deeply and empathize, we just want to let our hearts out. Having a good intuition it's great, but it's hard with the types that do not like to go into their feelings, because we can still see it 👀and it's hard to let it pass or talk about something else. The same thing w our own feels
After many years of being in relationships with drastically different kinds of people, there is one thing they all have in common: their love for me will always run dry and turn into resentment. No matter how much I try to be aware of my 4-ness and be realistic, try not to overwhelm them, I always seem to be both "too much" and "not enough". At best, it's a clean break (which only happened once). At worst, I get abused (which has happened multiple times by now). I've given up on it entirely. This video actually made me feel so much worse about it; if other 4s can make it work, why can't I? Still, I'm grateful this information is out there.
Thank you! These videos... damn. What a great gift to all of us who are looking to the enneagram as a tool to learn and grow. One thing I can say in response as a 4 -- Yes, we love it when people share their deep and vulnerable feelings with us, unless their deep and vulnerable feelings are about how we (4s) hurt them. Since we feel like misunderstood outcasts, this can feel super wounding, which of course sucks for our partners when we retreat. Something for 4s to keep in mind for those moments when you can either move towards and support, or run and hide. Again, Thanks!
Hey! I'm a Four. I went on a course about enneagram a loooong time ago, and I was taught that under stress, even tough I get oriented towards Two, I could still evolve if I focus to consciously embody the good qualities of a healthy Two. What's your take on that? For this particular case: could we, as Fours, somehow evolve towards Two?
I rather not get a gift or a card if it reflects the (often) tacky taste of the giver with no thought of my likes; it has nothing to do with ingratitude, it just shows that the giver never bothered to know me or, that the giver is so focused on his/her own self. That really upsets me because I feel like I am so unworthy , even non-existent, and the giver only wants to show how good or generous they are. I am an old woman and quite integrated, but that is still an issue with me. That is why I love the gifts and cards of children, they give out of their authentic self.
I'm a 4 and I agree with what you said about love languages (among the rest of the video). When I was a teen, I had my family write something encouraging on a piece of fabric and turned them into a quilt. Now, when I'm in my feels, I can read those words and remember everyone taking the time to write them. It's like they are giving me a nostalgic hug. ❤
Your analysis on the final part is very accurate guess. I never had thought why l didn't like yo receive gifts and didn't like acts of services but that's so spot on. Besides that every single word in this video simply defines me ❤.
Omg you have read me like a book. 😭🤣 sp/so 4w3, though I feel my 5 wing is growing each year. I’m currently in a relationship with an 8w9 sp and let me tell ya… it is really making me unlearn some unhealthy co-dependency and take more action than before. Also makes me feel lonely at times? Processing big emotions outwardly are sometimes not his thing, so that’s something I had to get used to. It’s nice to learn the good, the bad, and the ugly from each other and about ourselves. You live, you learn!!! 💜 Thank you for your informative videos!!! Another thing-I can definitely see the disintegration into 2 by trying to people-please when things go south. And then integration into 1 during pivotal moments. When someone is angry, I automatically think-what’s wrong with me? How can I make it right? What do I need to do to fix this (and often think I need to change). When a big event happens, like when my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I felt I was the emotional lighthouse for people and could think straight through the fog of the news. I’d been the person to be with others during chemo treatments when I was younger, so I felt like I could better process the unknown and decipher things with other people. But I’m still working on giving this type of patience to myself.
Thank you for sharing all this personal experience as it relates to your 4ness! Albeit, some painful ones. I'm sure many other 4s will empathize with your journey. Although I don't know how many 4s will be paired with 8s haha that's a spicy couple ;)
@@YouveGotaType Thank you for giving all of us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and each other! Truly helps!!! And 🤣🤣🤣 yes! Spicy combo 4 + 8!
@@YouveGotaTypeaha! So spicy! I’m sooo attracted to 8s (I’m an SX 4w3), and LET ME TELL YOU… it is intense. Lmao. Talk about butting heads and spicy in the bedroom 😅😅😅
@@katrinaaustinmancclpcc7275 SAME! AMEN!!! As a 4, I really try to contain myself and stay out of drama despite the stereotypes of most 4s-because I know I can come across emotionally intense. But I do articulate my emotions well. My bf is 8w9, so he’s not very verbal despite being quietly intense but man oh man… when he gets pissed off, there is a distinct aura. And then I’m over here trying to bubble my overflowing emotions. 😂 But at the end of the day, we can both talk openly about it, which I am glad about. Messes are fun (sometimes) and learning experiences! And VERY SPICY 🥵
As far as acts of service not being a love language for us because we feel less than like we are being helped because we are incapable. This is wrong. We love acts of service and appreciate them, however we don’t need them because we will do them ourselves. And doing them for us is really nice, but it’s not how we feel loved. We need to be seen to feel loved.
It's not wrong, it's just one general perspective. Thanks for sharing your specific perspective. I'm speaking generally, not absolutely. There is no one size fits all for Type 4 love languages, so be careful speaking on behalf of all 4s.
Thanks! Not one dedicated to that specifically, just the main type 4 overview that gets into wings & instincts here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-V8H22OLdWwQ.html
@@YouveGotaType may I please ask who? I’m desperate to better understand myself and my experience of others. I’m one of 12 kids. Grew up in large family and desire so badly to better be there for them
This is all too true. And personally, I think the same behaviors apply to relationships with work/career/school. At least for me it does. One day I'm in the perfect job, I feel great, two days later, I feel down and like I don't belong and question the whole thing.
I would agree with the whole 4s being the same at work (part of that inability to not be authentic). Although, 4w3s are a bit better at presenting a more polished side of themselves, especially if they're in leadership roles. Some wind up as serial entrepreneurs because of that whole hot/cold thing when it comes to their passions.
Yes, absolutely. I have been a serial job-hopper because, even though I may do well at a job, it ends up not feeling like I'm not fulfilling who I really am. I have been in leadership roles and put on the polished "hat" to be who I thought they needed me to be only to abandon the whole thing a year later. I also am an artist (of course 😏) and definitely love when someone loves something I created. It's like they love a piece of my soul.
Absolutely! They just take a while to create and I had a baby a few months ago which just threw a grenade in my production schedule haha. Be sure to subscribe tho and you'll get alerted as soon as the new vids are out.
Hmmm depending on where on the spectrum of autism a person is, I think it can put a person on a totally different path than the enneagram can really assist with. It's just a holistically different perspective/experience of the "ego" which the enneagram is seeking to pick away at. All that to say, I have no idea ;)
I feel like these are the unhealthy traits of an enneagram 4 . Yes i have a tendency to feel this way but i definitely dont choose to navigate my relationship this way
I love that you said 4s are some of your favorite people on the planet! I’m always saying that! As a fellow 1 I found myself wondering if other 1s felt the same way! ❤❤❤
Hey Colt, not sure you will remember me. I live in Thailand and we had a session a while back. I FINALLY figured out my type. I am a 4w3. I have been watching many videos (yours and others) and it’s so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. I just watched this video on relationships with a 4 and I HAD to forward it to my husband even before I finished watching it. I know he is going to feel extremely seen and validated by this. Thank you for putting out this content. So incredibly useful! Oh! And it’s a wonderful feeling to finally know my number 🎉 😃 🙌🏽
Hey Poncho! Of course I remember you :) So glad you found your type and that this video helped resolve the search! Best wishes on the continued journey of 4ness 🙌
The beginning was a little strange to me because my husband has always said I am low maintenance and not a hard person be in a relationship with. My guess it 4s aren’t for everyone and everyone just needs to find someone they are truly compatible with!
I know this is a somewhat playful comment - which is all good - but I think 4s get hit with that joke a lot. In all earnestness, I would certainly say dating an immature 4 would be a rougher journey than other types... but healthy 4s (may be fewer of them walking around in their 20s), are an incredible muse, lover, and emotional support system. So definitely not the worst ;)
This was my fear at first too!! But as I’ve gotten healthier, I just realize I’m more for people who have “expensive taste” (i.e., definitely NOT for everyone… 😅 but said in a kind way lol). My 20s were a nightmare for my ex to be with me. But he stood by me (he’s a 1w9). Once we grow and are able to recognize that we are NOT our emotions, our emotions are just waves that come and go, then we can show up in incredible ways for those we love. But it will be a forever battle for us (IMO).
I was a nightmare in my 20’s. But now that I’ve proven to myself that I am worthy, and I’ve got a much better handle on my emotions, I think I’m a fantastic catch and anyone would be super lucky to get to be with me.
I've got advice at the end of the Type 4 Complete Guide here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-V8H22OLdWwQ.html Have you checked that out yet?
I think because I’m a “healthier” 4 I had trouble typing. Because I don’t relate to the unhealthy traits people usually focus on. I’m not wallowing in self pity. 😂
Hmmm interesting feedback. Even when healthy, the core struggles of 4ness (or whatever your type is) should resonate even if the specific unhealthy behaviors do not. Is that the case?
