I use a financial definition of forgiveness - as in forgiving a debt. I write them off (don't seek repayment), and their credit sucks now (no further extension of credit).
It seems like forgiveness comes a lot easier if your life has improved since you got f***cked over. I can understand why people who go downhill afterwards find it harder to let go.
I completely agree. When you realise the hole you were down and you climb out to a much better life, it’s so easy to move on happily with acceptance and perspective
We have to go through the pain of understanding how much this person has hurt us before we can start healing. So many people don’t want to face the pain. They turn their sadness into anger and hard to forgive and move on.
So true. It is also easier to forgive if you are no longer in the situation, rather than stuck living with the offender day after day. How do you forgive in that situation?
@@karam.531 I received a very profound answer to that question from a highly respected Buddhist monk, who advised along the lines of Vipassana Meditation. ( reflections on the real nature of mind and body). Here it is: " The most vicious enemy of a person is not some outsider but his own ( untrained) mind. The most treacherous act / biggest letting down that a person experience is not done by an outsider, but by ones own body. " ( a person spend a whole lifetime pampering the body but it's all the time out to give him terrible things like pain, sicknesses, disabilities, old age.. and at death bed, little by little it abandons him ) . " if you can understand this truth, and if you can repeatedly recollect that truth, you will not feel tormented, but Liberated.." Having said it, let me also say that this line of thinking is a unique diffusion strategy taught by The Buddha, and it's hard for even Buddhists to fathom ..so may be of limited help to you.
We, the victims of narcissists have self-love deficit disorder, due to having love withheld from us and malicious treatment by a parent or caregiver during childhood. The parent or caregiver will have been a narcissist or at least had borderline personality disorder. A normal loving parent teaches a child to love themselves. Empathic / codependent / self-love deficit disorder people need to develop self-love, this is an ordeal in every sense of the word. I wish all who have this crippling affliction the very best. I once took a large dose of psilocybin mushrooms when I was 23 (now 46). During this trip I was visited by a very loving entity who granted me a blast of tangibly felt bliss like I had never known and said this was a gift for the love I missed out on in childhood. Years later it occurred to me that I indeed had love deliberately withheld from me by my mother and also had a codependent stepfather who enabled her behaviour and was also an unwitting victim of my mother's narcissism. Although not for everyone, psychedelics can be a very useful tool for introspection work. Thankyou to the maker of this video, he understands. I like his frank tough love, we need to grow a pair of balls (man or woman). I believe the most powerful way forward is to apply the empathy, compassion and advice you would give to a friend who has this affliction, to yourself. Be you own best friend.
I honestly think the word “forgiveness” should just be banned from the psychological lexicon. It does so much damage. It’s like: something terrible happened to you - oh well, no big deal, get over it, move on and think more about how to let the other person get a free pass. It runs contrary to so much of what we do with a healing process that acknowledges the value and dignity of the self. I agree there should be emotional processing, grieving, taking action or symbolic action. But the wounded party needs compassion for as long as it takes. There is no need for harsh judgement of self - we have already been injured, why add insult to injury? Forcing the injured party to forgive has the potential to become a form of secondary gaslighting. If the other person has the potential to make amends offer the opportunity, but if not, respect yourself enough to continue on without them, or to continue on knowing the person who has wounded is forever changed in your estimation. Sometimes that is all that can be expected out of the situation. Of course do no harm, but especially to oneself! This is where the strength comes from to pull oneself out of the pit and walk forward. Then find others who are able to value you in the way that you should be valued. You’re really better off without people who would harm you, though it may be hard to see at first. It is about fighting your corner as Richard has said, being on your own side, believing your pain is real and has value, doing something about it, and making something change as a result. Forget forgiveness!!!
I completely agree. I don’t need to forgive, because whatever the injury was does not weigh on me after I have processed it, as far as anger or grief is concerned. This is coming from a recovering Catholic (parochial school none the less). I will remember however, and if there is no heartfelt apology, I will watch for Karma. She hardly ever disappoints. In the meantime I don’t let that person occupy any real estate in my brain.
Nicely put. I've often felt it hard to fully forgive people if they don't acknowledge and offer a heartfelt apology, but then I myself have felt guilty and bad for not being able to forgive! I resonate with what Richard says, why should I offer forgiveness if the person who has harmed me never acknowledges the hurt they have done. I have let go of the anger and do not feel a need for revenge, as I know that was eating away at me, but I cannot forgive them unless they truly acknowledge what they did.
A true (diagnosable) narc will seldom admit fault and show genuine remorse - it's likely not in them to truly mean it or change. Forgive YOURSELF instead, go with Radical Acceptance that they are irretrievably broken, grieve it in totality, then move forward and live your life. Forgiving them isn't necessary; you don't need their apology.
nadia r if a genuine apology is felt, no. But therein lies the strange quandary and cruelty. I think the best we finally learn is just to get past our own anger and heal.
@@weekdayyardsale When you stop measuring yourself by their damage, and stop needing an 'apology' from them, you'll be over it. It's actually a choice. You don't need their apology. It's a 'nice to have' not a 'need to have'.
Odette I’m not sure what you’re saying here but I don’t need anything right now. I’m just saying that closure is it something that narcissists are available to do. Which makes sense if you think about it since they were never really there. Perhaps you feel that I would need it because you do? Not quite sure but anyway cheers
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." We should apply that to people as well, instead of being seen as less worthy than those more privileged (un-damaged), we should be shown even more value and compassion. You can hear the full TED Talk on ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-b4loBphYCXI.html
That's beautiful and true. The cracks and subsequent healing are often how we find our truth, our deepest purpose and our highest gifts in this life. It's also how we learn to lean on the 'gold' of spirit and source energy.
The "fight back" "fight back through thriving" approach you have got me to stay on your channel for all these years, and it literally got me out of the pit like nothing else. Thank you, Richard.
People won't apologize if they don't think they have done anything wrong, even if the person clearly harms another person, if they believe they are entitled to do so it's unrealistic to expect any sort of accountability or apology.
@@mizread And my newly adult son confronted his NPD dad and all he could do was point the finger at things my son had said to him when he was little 😫 and act like there was some big secret about me that would show him I was “the bad one” but of course he couldn’t tell him what it was. No contact is the only way.
For me when it's all said and done, I was wondering what took me so long. Good riddance, trust me, I get the pain & torture. But honestly, glad they r gone. Who needs that misery
that is true, so did I , very aggressively, it helps to release anger and hate. Nothing else would reflect the deep feelings of shock what they did to you on purpose or without regret.
Twenty years ago when I was leaving my narc husband, I told him all the reasons why. His response was "I'm sorry". I asked him what he was sorry about. He looked at me blankly, he had nothing to say. I don't forgive, I don't forget, I don't dwell on it, I do chose to live my life without destructive people in it. I did the same with my narc mother ten years ago, I walked away and didn't look back.
I'm the same, I don't forgive, forget or dwell on the crap my Narcissist family put me through. Four yrs after breaking free from them I let myself feel the anger towards them, I would have sections with myself in which I would think of a situation or two, let myself feel the anger for 1 hour a wk, after acknowledge how wonderful life was now b/c they weren't in my life anymore (to mess it up or hold me back) and how that was my victory over them. I did that for about 1 yr or so it has really helped. Now I just think about how lovely my life is that I have built.
A typical narcissist mother would shrug her shoulders and move on to the next supply. You really are just an expendable product to them. So many people still not getting this fundamental point. 😔
@@tnt01 I had mailed her a long letter calling her out and telling her she was not allowed to ever contact me again. Once I thought she got it, I e-mailed a copy to my brother. She didn't know he received a copy. She lied first about what was in it and had cut it up and taped the parts back together to make it look I was a horrible person. That's what she showed to other family members. My brother told her he had a copy and it was all true but she still denied the original letter. The next week my sister took her to a lawyer to make sure I was written out of her will. My life changed for the better once she was out of it, I wish I'd done it decades ago.
Call it forgiveness, call it absolution, either way you do it for yourself, regardless of the attitude of the other person. The emotional literacy and tackling flashbacks tools you made really work. Adding them to a daily routine works. It took me a full year of doing it 5 times a day. I still do it from time to time. Every person's journey is different and with various degrees of "executive function". It's really worth reaching out and getting help. Putting your support team together, building a plan to overcome it, making your best self your pet project is not egotistical or selfish. Making yourself stronger will allow you to be there for others in turn. Hurt people, hurt people. Don't be a 'hurt person'. Being in the drivers seat is so much better than the back seat of your life. Live long and prosper 🖖
Wow. When I took in "grieving the WHOLE STORY" it really hit the mark. I hadn't realized just how much my resignation had frozen me into distancing my feelings.
"Forgiving the unrepentend is like drawing pictures in water." Perfect! And so true. Nothing to add to that. I wish all virtue signallers and sanctimonious people with some level of lack of self-awareness would meditate on that for a few weeks or so!
I found it extremely encouraging. I am fighting and thriving, finally sick of of self pity and fear. Several months ago I did just what you said, Richard, I pulled my self together, got the fuck up and started living my life, my way, not under someone else’s demands.
I no longer obsess about what my life would have looked like had I not met him or what it could've been had it not been a toxic relationship...and just accept that it did happen and I don't need to undo it or rewrite it. Let it be..
Yes Let it be & letting it go by forgetting completely but in some situations you can't, Unfortunately Example a poor little kid is unable to get away from abusive parents & those abusive never need to be forgiven
I accept that it happened, it brought out good things in me, I did things i would not have done = good things. I was distraught and heart broken, I learned about Narcissism, I learned about myself, I learned I could and would get over it. I learned it was intentional and I was a person with wonderful traits. I studied him, I understand him better, I forgave him and moved on and am continuing to move on which I have had a somewhat a difficult time because of myself, the person I am, an introvert, it has to do with me and I am working on this on being more outgoing. Richard's videos and others have helped me do this
I got well by reading the Roman (and Greek) Stoic writings of Epictetus and Seneca, and I’m currently reading Marcus Aurelius. I gave up caring about the past trauma when I read what Seneca said to his family, when he was sentenced to commit suicide for a false charge of treason, by Nero. “Why weep over parts of life? The whole of it calls for tears”.
You are a King.. a Warrior for mental and spiritual liberation. Your fortress mental health page I have been using for a week and I already feel a difference. Thank you Richard, we love you!
Thank you Richard. You speak to my condition. I have watched most of your CPTDR tutorials and using the tools you gave freely. I have read Pete Walker 's book just recently. This last few weeks have been an epiphany for me. I feel there is hope, I'm 60 years old, abused as a child, but now looking forward to the rest of my life.
My experience to overcome my trauma cascade was....do not get stuck in self pity trap, do feel and accept all emotions, process them in peaceful manner on my own pace at my own space and Never Ever give up on myself. Never back down and enjoy consciously every pleasant moment .....you will slowly move out of fog of recycled catastrophic emotional memory, stored in your mind and body. It is the process, no quick fix, and you can turn dry discipline into joyful ritual step by step, day by day 😉🤗😘.
Wow. Thank you. I am in agreement. The only way is through. I say that myself. I love you clarification of forgiveness vs. absolution. I Definity practice absolution. You expressed everything so eloquently. About the autism comments: Autism is a fear based response to sensory stimuli. A hyperactive amygdala and hard to extinguish fear response. I am not autistic myself but my brain develped under similar circumstances. This might be true of you also. It might be why there are similar traits. I am writing a book about Autism. Do you write?
In all seriousness, I have a feeling that this video just changed my life for the better. "Fight back through being courageous and acting with discipline over time." I'm not going to shirk my responsibility to get better any longer. I found your Fortress playlist and will start today. Thank you, sir.
Thank you. Your sessions have had a tremendous impact on me and my life. I left an abusive covert narc two years ago after 23 years. She has alienated my 14 year old daughter but thank God my 22 year old son sees the craziness. I never realized the lasting effects of the emotional abuse. Your programs as well as other resources have really helped me understand and resolve a lot of issues. Thank you
@@unpluggeddogdreams the harsh reality is that sometimes however much you try to escape you just fall into another hell , until time out. ( meaning you RUN from one narc only to get trapped by another may be worse narc), because you're still very vulnerable. In which case its best to try and minimise damage by thwarting the bitterness and self pity , lowering expectations, being civil to each other, keep on doing your duty with a smile, make sure others are not dragged into the mess, care for the kids twice as much and practice patience and endurance and stay strong. All is not lost most of the time. The positive karmic energy to get away from hell in a human world is genuine self love, being your own best friend, caring for your well being by putting out the flames of anger, hurt, disgust, fear etc. The negative forces seems to attract other nasty people. As someone said here the way out is the way through .
Forgiveness is for oneself. It does not make the atrocity ok. But it allows you to break the psychic link that’s usually stronger than steal to the thing that you hate the most. It frees you not them. They get turned over to the universe to deal with. And trust me it will!
I don't see the universe dealing with them. They have money, health, rich partner, everything. I did believe in many things in the Past. I have no beliefs now. I can only accept what is and be a decent human being. I will never forgive them for cruelty, lying, abuse. I will continue healing Absolution resonates with me.
@@wildhorses6817 nothing lasts forever. Death can be a way the Universe deals with such a person. If the person is terrible then that is the vibration they are vibrating at all times and will attract the same vibrations to them anywhere they go regardless of the paper money they have. Nikola Tesla- if you want to understand the Universe think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration. For as long as your heart is beating, you're vibrating and whatever energy you're in, you will attract the same to you regardless of a rich partner who probably only has 5 more years to live thanks to an accident waiting to happen a few years from now. We should just forgive and lighten the load on ourselves. Your heart should be as light as a feather.
@@BestLife101 not true. I see many abusive people doing well in life with careers relationships money home. Meanwhile victims lives are destroyed have poor health, no career, nothing. So many people's lives are ruined because of these psychopaths. Rarely does harm come to them and tasty do most of them be held accountable.
They are living their karma....they will never know what it is like to feel, to love and to be loved..they will never expirence the feeling of how free you feel when you reflect and forgive others...they live in a miserable rotten world were everything is all gloom and doom and don't expirence the natural beauty and wonders of the world...so yes i believe their karma is you who has the abilities to do everything they wish they could but can't..xo
Great timing & thank you Richard. I’ve been tormenting myself, filled 3 journals, and; found this video on the last page of 3rd Journal!!! “No one is coming to rescue me.” Not my therapist, not my family. Not my new girlfriend. This ruminating on my ex-narcs & Narc mother needs to STOP now!!! True. I simply cannot forgive the evil done to me, my goodness, my empathetic self. But, I’m tired… I’m tired of searching, praying, longing for relief of this baggage I hold onto… Learning still, on how to let go… It’s hard man… Want a clear conscience & free my mind of this self torment… TY for reading this…
For me, it's less about forgiveness and more about letting go of the grudge you hold against that person. It's realising how toxic holding a grudge is and putting your health first. I learned this on my own a very long time ago. My struggle was with letting go of the anger at getting a life changing illness. I think of all the traumas I've experienced, that was the toughest thing. But I got to a point where I accepted that I would never accept it! That eventually brought me some peace, strange as it may seem
In my experience self absolution comes with acknowledging and understanding one's own emotional content....The things that bind us in story are that lack of clarity about our emotional content...I can speak from the perspective of someone who has tried all types of therapy....Talk therapy, hypnosis, EMDR, Dianetics, past life regression therapy and tapping.....Every one of these modalities is story based... I can say from my experience that gaining emotional literacy is the way through.....Persistence is key....My stuff has been coming off in layers for months now.....The emotional literacy course allowed me access to and process of my trauma at a deeper level....A true processing of our emotions at the time of trauma is never available while the trauma is occurring...Acknowledging one's own emotions as they were experienced the time of trauma, in the relative safety of today, has brought the next level of understanding and peace....My story has officially been retired...I've been doing this work for 45 years and finding emotional literacy is taking me out of my story...I am generating resolution by doing the work...I started and thought I was done...I returned to the work 3,4,5 times....each time getting a new layer....I'm at the point where I don't care about being done....I just want to be thorough.
Try Eckhart Tolle's cd "Resist Nothing" it is a meditation to dissolve the pain body, that is to literally dissolve the trauma. Like you I have tried everything and I finally found that emotional literacy was the most effective until I found Eckhart Tolle's method for dissolving the pain body. He calls accumulated emotional pain the pain body and when we get flashbacks it's this pain body that comes up. Really really really his method (CD Resist Nothing) will end your trauma permanently try it.
No point whimpering in your own corner of the world. Take charge and find purpose in the battle of free will. No candy-arse placebo with this commentary thanks Richard! Might is within the muscle and action is strength.
"Get the fuck on with it"! Best advice in any circumstance of self-healing. I have done a massive amount of healing on my own, but I know I still have more to do. It's easy to show up for others as a way to avoid showing up for myself. Refer back to the beginning statement: "GTFOWI". Great video. Thank you.
AMEN, THANK YOU!! I was just journaling about this and decided forgiveness is not right for one particular person who abused me. - reclaiming and forgiving myself is. I have complete closure with no glib forgiveness of the other person.
Thank you, Richard. This information was not only useful but actually uplifting for me. What you said at the end was empowering. After watching your videos over the last couple of years I find that you have helped me more than anything or anyone else in all my life. Thank you.
Due to dear Richard i understood my life, my childhood trauma, cptsd and began doing grief work. At that time my old narc mother began dying. I had to live with her, take care of her. I did everything she needed grieving everything she had done. It was an interesting experience. Now i understand i did my best not for her but for an abstract ideal mum. And for myself and harmony.
That I is how I deal with my wretched mother. I just send the cards...Mother's Day, and all that...no direct cotact...with the bottle of perfume, or whatever. If it is about "honoring your Mother & Father". She knows it. She lives in the same town as me, but I will never again be alone with that woman.
@@tnt01 not really. Though she did call me today just after this vid. A year & half ago I hung up when she started yelling. She was pleasant today. I "honored" her & chatted. She is 92.
We, the victims of narcissists have self-love deficit disorder, due to having love withheld from us and malicious treatment by a parent or caregiver during childhood. The parent or caregiver will have been a narcissist or at least had borderline personality disorder. A normal loving parent teaches a child to love themselves. Empathic / codependent / self-love deficit disorder people need to develop self-love, this is an ordeal in every sense of the word. I wish all who have this crippling affliction the very best. I once took a large dose of psilocybin mushrooms when I was 23 (now 46). During this trip I was visited by a very loving entity who granted me a blast of tangibly felt bliss like I had never known and said this was a gift for the love I missed out on in childhood. Years later it occurred to me that I indeed had love deliberately withheld from me by my mother and also had a codependent stepfather who enabled her behaviour and was also an unwitting victim of my mother's narcissism. Although not for everyone, psychedelics can be a very useful tool for introspection work. Thankyou to the maker of this video, he understands. I like his frank tough love, we need to grow a pair of balls (man or woman). I believe the most powerful way forward is to apply the empathy, compassion and advice you would give to a friend who has this affliction, to yourself. Be your own best friend.
After years of therapy, regressions, and healing of all modalities, you are one of the first voices that actually resonates. Thank you for sharing strength and authenticity.
When it comes to my health, that's where I draw the line. And when it affects my loved ones, it's not entirely about myself anymore and that's when I start turning the ship around. It's a wake-up call. Because if it's not good for those around me, it is probably even worse for me taking the brunt of it. Health, that's my hard and final boundary. This video helped solidify that. Thanks.
I have grappled with the nuances of the concept of forgiveness for awhile. This helps enormously. Last night Richard, you came into a dream of mine dressed as a super hero intervening between my brothers hurtful treatment towards me, demanding he acknowledge his behaviour demanding he say sorry , thinking Kevin Kline, A fish called Wanda...... “Apologise !”
Richard, I needed to hear this & am so grateful for u, and what u have the courage to do & put out there, into RU-vid-land. 🤓U really hit on something there w/connecting sickness & repressed emotion(i.e., Dr.Gabor Mate and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk)- I am battling stage 4 breast cancer(I’m in early 40’s, was a fairly healthy & fitness model)- & fully believe that so much of it has to do with my repressed anger & hurt from a catastrophic childhood/continuous trauma& also from a few relationships that unknowingly (at the time),replicated those traumas. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and needed a reminder & a swift kick in the arse to remember that I can do this- and I must do this; that I do have the power & personal sovereignty; I will thrive thru this & I will forgive so that I can now stop dying a slow death, and start living a strong, healthy, empowered life. Thank u for all u do- Oh, and to comment on what stops people- for me, what stops me sometimes is fear of, if it’s not perfect, then I will be mocked- which makes no sense, but that’s how my parents treated me- so I need to stop being a perfectionist, realize that I’m no longer going to get beaten & mocked by my parents, and to stop the masturbatory behavior, just get up, forgive MYSELF and move the F on! Finally! Again, Thank you for this& Sorry for the short novel. Lol I really needed this today. 🙏Much love to you. ❤️❤️
Val Watts, Thank u so much for ur kind words! Wow, what a beautiful thing to say- this TOTALLY made my day! 🙏🥰 Hope u are staying safe & healthy during this time, wishing u inner peace, & sending u lots of love energy & amazing blessings in ur life! ❤️
People won't likely apologize because many times they don't know they have done something wrong. I think the "forgiveness" is more about letting go of the need to settle the score and wishing reality is different than it actually is. What I think "forgiveness" doesn't mean is just letting go and not taking action. If someone has wronged you, they need to know about it. This is the action I resonate with. Great video, thank you.
You screwed up, accept it, learn from it, forgive yourself and move on with your life. Focus on finding out who _you_ are 💞 Agree on the getting on with it and thinking bigger than yourself and helping others. Others who deserve and need it 🙏
When you said “that’s what scientology does” I nearly fell off my chair. So you know something of it obviously. Scientology is one of the best self brainwashing systems there is, indeed a “prison of belief” and hell on earth to try to regain critical thinking from and survive the trauma of, if one has the courage to escape at all. Your videos have helped more than you can imagine and I especially love this one. Thankyou!
Thanks for covering the forgiveness issue. I struggled with letting go and forgiveness. I went through a lot of searching to find a way to forgive. I really think that we need another word for forgiveness for people who are non- repentant - self absolution - I like it! Because it's completely different from someone who has hurt you and is remorseful and guilty and admits to it, apologises sincerely and works to make it up to you so you reconciliate and give this person another chance. This is what most of us understand to be forgiveness. So when we are in these strange situations with narcissistic parents, siblings, spouses etc who have set out to hurt or destroy us pre-emptively, quite deliberately and they feel no remorse infact they enjoy hurting us and will never admit to what they've done and will continue to abuse us it is very difficult to understand why we should forgive and we get very angry and stuck here and I think it all because the word forgiveness is wrong for these situations. So I think for people who have suffered narcissistic abuse this is the key point to be stressed, these are non-repentant people and so we are not dealing with the classic traditional idea of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean condoning peoples bad behaviour it just means letting the whole thing go. I see it as letting go all of the hurt, sadness, pain, and anger. It's not easy but it really does have an amazing transforming power when you can do it. And you are right you need to grieve first because if you dont you'll go through a kind of dissonance where sometimes you're ok about forgiving ( probably because your hoping there's a way for reconciliation) but then other times the pain body comes up and the anger all comes up and you're not feeling very forgiving. This anger can also come up when you get those moments of clarity and you realise theres no way for reconciliation ever. So yup letting go of them completely and grieving must come first before you can work on forgiveness. Thanks for this video.
Thank you Richard, this is exactly where I am at. It’s all about no contact and protecting myself as I respectfully tip-toe off into the sunset of my life. Ahhhh!
Oi Richard! I did your emotional literacy and it's changed my life - I mean completely! And the thought of yours, which helped me the most, was that the tears are just tears and there's nothing to be affraid of. Thanks for this and hey people, just do it!
"Living well" can have a variety of meanings. This idea of living well in your own head really resonated with me. I forget the quote about luxury and how true luxury is not needing excess.
He is saying that a total departure from your abusers by not forgiving but by detaching, (cutting the cord) you will find the start of construction on "yourself" even if you are alone and fragile and feeding the poor, you will develop into a mighty strong woman or man. No, he is NOT saying go out and party necessarily. He is saying strip yourself of ALL expectations of others and expect only of yourself.
Halfway through the video- I just started grief support group for the loss of my mother (killed by a drunk driver & one year later moved to another state to be severely abused by my narcissistic aunt). I never knew she was cult leader of her 4 grown children. I was the chosen scapegoat for the past 4 years. I finally went no contact for 11 months but still very traumatized...this grief support group has shown me that those inflicted by narcissistic abuse need to go through GRIEF process before acceptance. Very key & important for recovery💚 and healing. God bless all of the hurting people who need so many words of encouragement and LOVE 💕 After hearing rest of video- Absolutely it is about taking the ACTION to heal. It is a HUGE fight but I encourage all of you-YOU are so worth it. Claim your peace and JOY. You deserve it. Getting outside yourself absolutely does help in recovery process. It feels great to help others💚 Patience too but keep moving forward for your peace and freedom. It is ok to feel the shame, helplessness, pain and devastation. Acknowledge these emotions within yourself to process the grief.
Brilliant! Radical acceptance closes the door on anger and a need for vengeance! Accept it all, the good the bad the worst and you are free to move on. YOU, YOU MOVE ON!
Follow through and agency seems to be a function of self-worth. From what I've seen, those who struggle with self-worth also intrinsically lack agency because executable will is a function of self-value estimation
I would totally agree. I've had chronically low self esteem since the age of 12 and I'm nearly Richard's age. It's not worth doing anything for yourself if your own needs and wants are unimportant. I've also wondered why there's a persistent lack of passion or desire to achieve anything. I've thought a lack of parental love had something to do with it but maybe a lack of self love has a bigger impact.
Spot on! I struggled desperately with self-esteem issues in my youth. Buddhism helped in my 20s, realizing self is just a mental construct, but even with that, the irony is that you can't effectively let go of the ego until you've got one to let go. In the end it was 2 bible scriptures that solved my self-esteem issues. Matthew 6:2-4 and Colossians 3:23-24. When you build a "secret self" like this it gives you self-esteem. When the world rejects you for any reason, if you have a strong secret self, you can say to yourself "they don't know what I know" and that is like teflon armor baby.
@@4Mikes4Mindset4 Thanks man. It's always amused me how most people do the opposite. Let everyone know the good stuff and keep the bad shit secret. If people don't know the bad shit, then if they say they love you, there's a part of you always thinks "Yeah, but if they knew the real me." Hiding the bad shit blocks receiving of love. Hiding the good shit blocks the effects of receiving hatred and rejection. I know which armor I choose to wear.
@@runningthunder6923 keyword is IF they repent. Repentance means a complete turning away from something you did or think previously. its not saying sorry and then doing the same shit you used to do. Repentance is followed by actions of changed behavior and thinking, so if they are doing the same shit the apology was meaningless and just a tactic to keep doing whatever, so that's when you cut them off.
Absolving can be very destructive if you’re splitting it off, causing a schizoid split. Brilliant point! You can not truly forgive if the emotions and feelings are not acted out and RESOLVED.
My mother Died in September 2019 of Lung Cancer non smoker, its deep unresolved grief ie lungs. I had not seen her for 3 years I had to go no contact. You need to forgive as in let go for your own health. My ex husband nearly killed me 16 years ago that is what made me research how another person could be so cruel, somehow I found your work. I needed to forgive him as I dont want to die of Cancer or illness due to unresolved anger. I now do what I do to help others. Keep shinning Richard. xx Ps I also want to be with my only son and see him grow up.
Yep, but will never ever ever happen. Sorry if I'm brassy these days. But I've those freaks those demons in a category that's air tight, I've their number.
It will never happen because they don’t live in reality. They have their own reality. Grieve it. Don’t be afraid of the pain of grieving. Pray for grace to accept and then release it. Let it GO!!
I did not realize last year that I was going through the grieving process because I never grieved like that. I always cried, dusted myself off and moved on with my life like nothing happened. But this time it was different. No matter how much I cried and threw tantrum I still felt theres something deep inside of me that was broken. It took me almost a year of grieving until I was able to move past it. I thought I would never see the light. I thought it was the end of me. But it was end of a new beginning.
Just want to share with you about everything you have lived through I also have recently gone through myself. It wasn’t until I went through the dark times that I found you and it sure hit home 110%. I walked away from millions of dollars because I need to save my life and myself. It seems like we do think almost alike so that’s me I’m on the right path with your Philosophy in life. So thank you Richard and help us to keep on living our true self in a world of suffering.
Doing your Spartan Life Coach course healed my CPTSD, I had been diagnosed as BPD and thought it was a life sentence. Your training taught me that something totally different was going on and my life is now totally different. Maybe autism does have something to do with it as I have a very high chance of being autistic when doing the tests. Yay for healing!
Brilliant. I’m right in the middle of aggressive grieving and the “whole story” is becoming clear fast. Yes I’m angry but they have personality disorders and stepping away/moving on and living well is the best option for me.
It's an entirely different matter to try and recover from childhood trauma with no family or friends around you. Most distance because they can't handle your circumstances.
I always said if the offender (narc parents, spouse, etc) doesn't ask for forgiveness, there's nothing to forgive. To forgive something, there needs to be something to forgive, as in an acknowledgment of wrongdoing and offending + explaining why it was wrong, and bad. Just think, if you went up to the narc and told him/her ''I forgive you for all the harm you did to me'', what would the response be ? Scoffing: "I never did you any wrong, you're the one who should be apologizing !" This notion of forgiving comes from our religious background perhaps. If you don't forgive you're a bad person, you're spiteful, vengeful, mean spirited. I don't know why but our society is so bent on laying guilt trips on the victims, as if being a victim is weak and puny. The other issue is ppl waiting for closure. Well, there ain't no closure from outside sources. Closure is what you do for yourself, such as working on you emotional flashbacks. And if you do the work, you get the results.
I’ve ‘self absoluted’ myself from my fathers narcissism and abuse coupled with my mothers early death of cancer at 49. When this man told me he never loved my mother long after her death I switched off. I moved to Australia and never spoke to him again. 3 years later he hung himself. End of a tyrannical era. But only the beginning of my foray into narcissistic relationships. I hate to blow smoke up your proverbial because you know yourself that your sharing is a saving of others too. Thank you for your time - it’s gold. I’m grinding and growing and loving it. Coming back to me.
Spot on , grief , loss, victim, sad, anger , not taking action , sloth , sickness , taking control , determination , doing the work , doing the work , taking agency back !
If I asked my abusive narc mother for an apology she'd be utterly appalled, do that witch laugh of hers and would ask for one from me for putting her through 7 years e-mail contact only. Even now I receive regular vicious emails saying how cruel and "'sick in the head" I am and when am I going to see a psychiatrist for my "mental hang-ups"? She blames me for all her health issues - in a way that's correct, as she has no receptacle for her toxicity any more. Narcissists don't apologise as we know and are incapable of introspection. But letting go of anger and feeling compassion instead is much more straightforward, as long as we don't let them continue to abuse us.
You're not to blame for her bad health. Even if you were there and she could abuse you 24/7 her health would still suffer because of the negativity in her, her thoughts her feelings, if they are negative they just eat away at the body. She's just try guilt tripping you. Three years ago left my entire family parents, siblings, nieces and nephews ( which really devastated me) extended family the country I lived in and am totally no contact. Devestataing, soul destroying it was but now I'm beginning to feel better than I ever dreamed I could feel.
You have the Marshall arts background . you reached out top to heal yourself and. Created what we/watch to light anther s path is to light your own. Thanks
No body came so I went inward and saved me. It worked. When memories come up I realize it wasn't my fault. Took yrs to get here. But I have arrived.♥️👋
I remember seeing this video over and over again 3 years ago. I have been looking at the progress since, and I am so grateful. I took action "lawful action" and worked on the emotional literacy recommend. Now I'm in a much better space.
Yep. Take any actions u can. For example go no contact and u have to internalize the reality of what they did and accept it. Which sucks but it's what THEY did. Not what I did.
Jordan B Peterson said - abuse is abuse period - there is no forgiveness required by you to forgive the narc - forgive yourself and grieve your inner child. Love you Richard - thanks for the help :)
Forgive dont forget! Thats been on my mind big time lately. I think half our problem with forgiveness if we fear we'll forget. When obviously its something thats entirely very very important to us...! We're scared we'll let go and wont have learned anything. That nothing will have changed! Like it'll all have been for nothing or something. We dont want to compromise our conviction that the abuse wasnt okay. The irony is when we let go all those fears go right along with it! And we stop attracting all those tragedies we fear so much as well!!! 💖💖💖🌌🌌🌌
@@lisbethbird8268 I'm done flipping. No more flipping for me! 😅 The answers just no haha. No i dont love you. No i dont care. "But doesnt it hurt you when i dont love you? Doesnt it make you mad that i dont care? So wouldnt that make you a hypocrit then?" Like, no it makes you one.... Effffff offffff! Haha.
“ Fight back by thriving. “Wow. How this resonated with me this morning. It acknowledges feelings and simultaneously cerebral action. Thank you ever so much for this.
They gave us the greatest gift !!!! Getting through is hard and hurts as mother f$$$🤬 but the end of the tunnel is very rewarding. We grew spiritually and got stronger. Not today not today satan not today 💪
I am quick to forgive when someone does me harm but it was out of character or they are truly sorry. When I forgive, and it happens again, I cut them off and stop thinking about them. I cannot have a good life if I am always on edge wondering if a person is going to try to ruin my life. I refuse to be the person who becomes addicted to the drama. When I am perceived as coldhearted, too bad.
I've given up trying to do the gymnastics to figure out why this video just clicks for me. I suspect it's the responsibility for healing that belongs to me, and how actively "doing" can change your life in deeply impactful ways. Thank you Richard.
I watched this a few months ago with a different viewpoint and I have grown. It’s awesome ! This is in my top 3 bids for life n I’ll probably learn every time I watch it. Ty Mr. Grannon. Cheerful Days to you!!
I find forgiveness difficult and I much prefer this way. Thanks Richard, I agree I would need someone to tell me why they did what they did, especially passive aggressive people who like to use projection onto me.
Awesome! I've always felt the same way you describe, where we have to save ourselves, because absolutely no one else will do the work for us. No pity parties, just hardcore SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON
Cheers Richard ... Strangely, my mantra was ' ...on your feet', this was shorthand for get up, take action. "Better to die on my feet than live on my knees". Its been 2 years but I'm well on my way now, grown sooo much, cast out the poison ....healed.
I feel so incredibly validated 🙌🏻 I process in the same way. I love knowing there are others out there who experience life in such a similar way 😌 Thank you so much for your vulnerability and for sharing this.
Wise words. For me, the difficult part has been to get a grip of what happened. You have to see what is wrong to let go of the impact of violence. Being abused as a child it has taking me a long time and much work to wake up to reality. People told me to move on when I was still in severe shock, disoriented. They wanted me to forgive my father when I still thaught of him as being a loving person. It made no sense. I'm from Sweden. In swedish "forgiveness" is "förlåtelse" and has a reference to the Bible. "Förlåten" was the drapery in the Temple who hid "the most sacred". That's how I perceive the deep meaning of forgiveness. To forgive is to see reality as it is. An ongoing process inside of us AND what we are living in, always being a part of.
