Rushing New Relationships and Forcing Commitment as Reassurance for Insecure Attachment 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

If this doesn't save my current budding relationship, it will definitely help save future ones. Thank you sir

I was only FOUR dates in and had already started developing feelings for him and was anxious and sick when he wasn't around. Of course, he wanted to go slowly, but I pretty much had to stop hanging out with him because I did't know how to reverse those feelings and just get to know him. Now I'm stuck with depression, anxiety and looping thoughts about him daily. I'm a mess and feel like a complete failure.

This is so interesting. I had an ex who told me they loved me within a month & moved in after 4 months. I felt like it was too fast & I wanted the courtship and the fun. I now know to trust my intuition. My gut was screaming slow down & it gave me anxiety. I eventually told him after two months how I felt & that we were moving so fast- and he left & blocked me in every way. Never looked back. I see now that his feelings were just surface & he wanted to move in to see if we were right for each other. I thought he knew so I was trying to tell myself not to let my fear ruin it. Turns out I really needed to put my foot down in the beginning. Uggg. Why do people want to rush??!

Oh boy 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm so guilty of this kind of overthinking. I'm saving this video to my LISTEN BEFORE A DATE playlist. Allen, thank you.

This is so right on Alan. At 56 I have finally "discovered" how important it is to understand attachment disorder. I am just starting a new relationship and repeating my old patterns just as you described them. So now, when I go have "ice cream" I am going to do just that, have ice cream. Thank you!

Oh my gosh. Was just saying this to someone I was dating - briefly. He has a lot of attachment trauma and he freaked out. He freaked out because we were having so much fun and I could be the type of person he wants long-term. I told him that everyone is scared, but he told me he wants to be friends because he hurts everyone he’s close to or everyone he’d been with hurt him. Basically, I asked him to slow down but he friend zoned me. So ultimately, he’s not a good candidate for me because of this attachment trauma. That sucks but it’s the truth.

This is so important, for whatever reason the last few guys I have dated have tried to force commitment and seriousness very quickly and despite my asking them to slow down they kept forcing so I had to exit both situations. Very frustrating to be a person that people are projecting on. It feels like you are unseen and basically a mannequin to keep them company.

My cyber counselor

This is me, I meet a guy we may be talking everyday for a week or two, then I want him to be 100% committed to me if not I start acting out protest behaviour, or I just cut him off completely

Thanks Alan ! You are amazing at what you do. Why don`t they teach these things in school ? Insecure people like myself has to wander blindfolded through the ruins of our love life. Rejecting the available guys, and inviting in the unavailable guys. So sad !!

New relationship: Initially, I was expressed my desire for a ring. Then as time has gone on (4 months), I'm taking it one day at a time, because this might not work. Glad I slowed down.

This is great information. Just being in the moment without an agenda is going to be a challenge but I'm looking forward to it.

I'm 18 seconds in but I already like this guy because he has one of my favorite paintings on the wall

I have a question for you: how long is enough time? How do you prevent yourself from being strung along by someone who has no intention of long-term relationship or commitment of any sort? Infinity? How long is a reasonable amount of time, in your opinion? Please factor these situations in this kind of video.

I really wish men also hear these. The problem is many people get on with the chemistry and very quick need to get laid. This chemistry can get overwhelming and put you with a like minded person who then uses you for sex.

This is the most important video on RU-vid, as far as I'm concerned. Incredible video, you've completely redefined my thought process here. I'm at the start of a new and amazing relationship and I really needed to hear this. Hope I can come back in a year and report success :D

Be in the moment...this is me but also I have found that they have rushed on their end while I was trying to slow down, making it serious instead of just having fun and feeling relaxed with each other....makes me realize though that I can put myself in a state of emotional unavailability with worry as well.

As a single man who has a bad track record of rushing into different relationships in years past this is one of the most educational videos that I ever I seen. I will continue to watch this video over and over again as long as I continue to live. I do not want to re-live the past and be disappointed all over again. The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Thank you very much for giving me knowledge. I really appreciate you

This is exactly what I needed to hear in this moment. Thank you for your great suggestions and tips!!

Oh my, this is exactly me to the tee right now with a guy I newly started dating for 2 months and I have a compulsion to pull the plug now because I’m not getting the certainty I crave lol

Relationship OCD, anyone? I've recently come to my own conclusion that the answer to my overthinking is to be present. I see now how I'm not participating if I'm in my head. You've just helped me to understand how I'm showing up, as well as what can happen once I get to the other side. Thanks Alan, I enjoy watching your videos 😊

Guilty! I'm a work in progress and your videos are a big help.

Alan, thank you for helping me see how my behavior has been effecting my relationships. Although my goal of marriage is a terrific goal, I need to change my initial goal to be one of exploring and taking time to journey with the person first. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom and gifts with all of us on this channel.

So guilty. Oh man. Thank you for this video. Lesson learned!

great article. I especially liked the check list for how the two people relate. I wish I had that list earlier. "do they make you laugh, do they ask about your life, etc.

This was beyond helpful. Thank you, Alan. Unfortunately I did just this with someone I was dating, which inevitably pushed them away. It's painful and hard not blame yourself but every painful experience is an opportunity to learn.

Omg this is sooo me. If it doesn't turn into a full blown relationship within a couple of months I won't waste any more of my time. But if it does I get scared & abandon ship! 🥴

Thank you for clearly and profoundly placing a mirror in front of me.

This is one of the best advice for me as I am Always rushing into relationships with ppl I am really into.

Slow down the process of decision making is GREAT advice in other areas of life too! 👏👏👏👏👏

Your videos are so simplistic in nature and yet these are deeply complex concepts you discuss. It's unbelievable how much your videos have helped someone like myself with major codependency dependency issues and relationship addiction. Thank you for all the material you cover and I will continue to watch... You're truly an inspiration!

This was very helpful. Going at this pace is not all that common in my experience. People are quick to move on without the reassurance that its going somewhere within the first few dates. Maybe its different with the securely attached types. Not so for anxious or avoidant types. We just need to breathe and enjoy the moment.

This is so accurate. I find myself in my current relationship having to create space and pump the brakes. I didn’t have words for what I felt like and didn’t know why I felt so much anxiety.

are there any exercises that we can do for this? I revert back to what I think I should be so I stress out and anxiety sets in......then I shut down.

I definitely need to slow down and not get my hopes up. Just enjoy the moments with no expectation of commitment until we naturally get there.

This is how I ruined what could have been an incredible thing because I was freaking out and needed certainty and guarantee, where as he wanted to take it slow and enjoy the process 😢

holy shit ,this video hit the nail on the head for me.....extremely good video

While I feel this is very accurate information from personal experience, it also leaves out the behavior of the other person. The times I have been guilty of this behavior my new partner has been the contributing factor. Whether they're love bombing, self centered, all over the place, inconsistent, or words and actions don't match, just because one person is anxious doesn't mean their anxiety is unjustified. Either way, it's a connection that was never going to work and that has to be accepted.

I needed to hear this. Just had a relationship i was super excited about blow up in my face for the reasons explained here. Still trying to salvage/assess the damage

Yesss just be present on the walk or just be here at dinner, i need to hear that as I’m an over thinker by reassurance 😊

I've never heard it in this perspective before! So simple.

Your videos have been extremely helpful in me understanding my patterns in relationships.

I needed this video. You have provided me with the education I needed to understand my behaviors. I will stop forcing a relationship and just enjoy my person. Thank you so much.

Alan you are poet ... Words can heal ... And your words are uplifting thanks for saving my life....

My now girlfriend and i rushed it to fast been together 19 years and going strong.

Thanks so much I feel so unsafe when my partner doesn’t want to talk about being a couple or in a committed relationship with me and wants to just take our time and enjoy being together like why is that so sweet and so triggering 😂

Thanks Alan. Great vid! 👌

Wow this is brilliant! Thank you! 🙏🏻

Just subscribed thank you so much.

Thanks for sharing this amazing messages , I loved ur video messages 💕💖💕👑

thank you Alan this video make a lot of sense. I too as someone said is a work in progress.i will continue to listen to this video until I rap it around my brain. I am determined to get it right when it comes to relationship s. I had two failed engagements, I could not figure out why. slowly but surely I am starting to understand. I am so thankful for fg finding you on RU-vid. Thank you ate a life saver.

I wish I'd seen this sooner. Maybe those relationships would've lasted longer...but I always start questioning the progress of our relationship when they start making some moves, like trying to hold my hands, or kissing me. To me, I don't do these things with just friends. is that reasonable?

Thank you sooo much for making these elucidative videos! ❤️🙏🏼

Alan, you've been instrumental in my journey back to healthy relationships! Thank you for your work; always so helpful!

Alan I just love watching your videos and your infinite wisdom. Please keep putting out this incredibly life changing content. Thank you.

This is me I met a guy on Tinder and I knew him for 1-month on our second time of sleeping together afterwards I asked him if we are going to be together in a relationship and where We Stand she did not want to answer me it was like trying to get blood out of a stone he then sadly turned around and said to me that I should not wait for him and that if somebody else comes along I should date them because he lives outside of my State he said to me that when he goes to the pub he sometimes hooks. up with women and he does not want me to get hurt I am really going through so much pain right now trying to detach from him I told him it was over I've had to emotional outbursts and sent loads of text messages to him it hurts so much I really want him back but he will not be exclusive with me

I'm 5 weeks into a new one, this is a great reminder video!

Slowly but sure is the key...

Verrrry helpful!!

Thank you! This is helpful for friendships too.

Such great advice

My mind is blown…. Who knew live the moment. I just do check list when I’m dating! No more!!!! 😅

thanks yet again. one question though... please... how for you switch off the hyper vigilant part of your business that notices all the behaviours eg : he was rude to the waiter for no reason I don't like the way he ordered my food for me as if I was 9 years old he didn't offer me a ride home what I tend to do is notice and then decide whether to see them again or not because there's no point in me being with someone who isn't a good match. or am I jumping the gun? confused.....

The dating scene... not something that ever appealed to me. I feel sorry that once was simply dating is now a scary mess of unworkable! Women may not want to portray the true self until boundaries are established and the true self is revealed. Expectations are too huge and I would have to know the person, be in a periphery or I would not feel comfortable. Personally I think I could be happy living alone in retrospect! 💗

Brilliant! Thank you Alan 😊

Thank you for your work, Alan. This video helped me to understand/validate my sense of why a promising relationship ended after a few weeks of dating.

I wanna super like this video!!!!

Reaffirm to me that dating for 7months is still a very new relationship haha

Such awesome advice!!! Thank you!!! 😍

Thank you!!

wow this video was so good!! Explains alot...

So helpful! Wow!

Im so grateful for your videos

What can be done if the relationship already ended? I started developing a crushing anxiety and broke up several times because of it. I know I am young and it's okey, but I want to know if I should try again.

i agree with what you said. im in the same situation right now. but my thoughts over rule what i want to do. it convinces my heart that im not worthy of anythings

Really excellent

Thank you, so good, relates to me right now.

Loved it!!

💯 spot on Alan

I needed this, thank you

My god. This girl i met rushed everything way way to fast. She wasnt even really into me as after we moved in together she was still on dating sites. Wth. She kept up the fake show till i dumped her. Guess what? She immediately jumped into a new "relationship". She left me in full trauma and severed contact.

Being a church girl , i was proposed after 3 months of knowing my partner, we got married 6 mos later, bin married for 13years & now going thru a divorce

This is very insightful.

This is great, thank you

thank you Alan!

Very helpful Thankyou kindly

Great input 👍

Is 3 years to long for someone not to know if they want A relationship. I had A guy say don’t force it and wouldn’t take me out because he didn’t want to force or rush it or make A relationship with me after 3 years he wants A relationship now and to take me out.

Thank you so much!

Great video Alan... I w ish I saw this before I started dating my ex girlfriend!.. Thanks for your work, your videos are very well done.. Den

I just ruined the potential relationship I could have with my current partner by forcing commitment 😭

My X was relationship focused and forced the relationship by pushing and pulling back to manipulate things to get what she wanted. Very toxic with a lot of issues. Horrible controlling person

Amazing

I'm not going to rush into anything ever again. Yeah if your not a committed type of guy and you want a relationship with me . Forget it !! Don't be in a relationship if you cannot be committed to it. I'm being honest and straight forward I don't want to waste my time with someone who's not committed to the relationship . Well if that's the case you shouldn't be in one just play the field for all you players out there,don't even bother.

Thanks!

I did both.

Thanks mister

like it - thank you

This is me even the guy said to me it's only been two date it's too much. He said that after I was texting feeling like txt messages. I'm so desperate for a relationship that I just wanted it so bad. To the point where I was even paying for the dates. How pathetic