Repeating Relationship Patterns - You're Dating Your Parent 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

the intellect and depth of thought on this man is Fucking Amazing!!!!!

I thought I made a conscious effort to not marry my father & that is exactly what I did!!! He was a combination of both my parents...all the ppl in the world I marry my parents! lol 🙄 There will 10,000 ppl in the room & I will find the emotionally unavailable person!! 🤦🏽‍♀️

The way I tried to explain to this to my step daughter (when she was a teen) was that your values are like a wardrobe. Just like clothes in your closet, you need to take your thoughts, feelings, and values out of your closet, do an evaluation, and see if these still fit you. Maybe you have grown up and out of them??? Maybe they don't suit your lifestyle or tastes anymore??? Because you grow on the inside, not just the outside.

I call it flying the plane into the ground when I could of bailed out.

Spot on. However, as Pema Chödrön states, Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.

Unconscious and unthinking ways of relating!! No wonder so much disappointment, confusion pain, anger,sadness!! Thank you!! You're truly a hero to all of us that grew and came from chaos (trauma). Big fraternal hug!

Took me 38 years to see it despite having heard of this phenomenon my whole life.

Thank you for the truth! Finally! Harville Hendrix (author) wrote a book called "Getting the Love You Want," and his theory was that each partner would help heal the other partner from past childhood trauma. And as AR states in this video that could be very dangerous or toxic. My dad is a sociopath and my mom is a narcissist, my partners have characteristics of each parent. This is why I am 59 years old and single because relationships can not work with either of my parent's personalities. I am currently working on my inner child core beliefs and changing the lies that I believed all my life. The 3 lies the IC has believed are: I can not cope (anxiety/depression). I am not worthy, and I am not enough. Getting to the origination of these lies and replacing them with reparenting skills with my belief in what God says about me. Definitely has been a journey of self-discovery and truth. May God bless each person who is seeking recovery and truth.

I am only half way thru this and wanted to say this video is brilliant. The belief you described is beautiful yes and romantically tragic, or can be. To stay and fix or correct is lovely but i believe its more meant to recognize the behavior because its familiar and the lesson is to recognize and let go or move on. The healing or dual healing assuming your partner is in the same situation would have to be fully realised by both of you and fully worked on by both. I would think this is rare. Having been one to realise this in my own life. To me its more awareness its happening and why and growing from it. Which often times results in moving through and past. Not unlike ascending a staircase. To move to the next level, you have to move beyond the previous step. Be appreciative of the person that they have come into your life because they are important to your healing journey just like the step on the staircase is also helpful to allow you to progress upward. There is no need to stay and martyr yourself repeating old patterns. I grew up with 2 emotionally neglectful parents so my journey has been the work of a lifetime. I am 50 now. Sometimes i wonder if i will ever get to a place where i will be at peace with a partner. What i do know is that this is a valuable and necessary journey and all i can do is keep moving forward and be honest with myself and those partners who come into my life.

This is so helpful this video My last relationship had so many similar aspects to my mother who’s emotionally avoidant. Same types of punishment by emotionally cutting off or silencing me if I voiced any type of opinions. Both cutting of the relationship by not communicating for months at a time My mothers done this for years so I’m not so fazed by it anymore but my ex did that and it hurt so much. Any type of communication was met by silence and typical emotionally dismissive behaviour. I really did pick my mothers emotional attachment style because that’s how I’ve been loved Thank you for your videos and insight Alan

I love how you break the very complex to manageable simple steps. It’s amazing how the lightbulb goes ON as soon as someone takes the time to explain our beliefs, thoughts and feelings at K level. Many thanks. I’m so hard headed and your explanations are really a break through.

I told my first therapist it felt as if my life was a maze bc I kept seeing same patterns & felt ppl I had chosen for relationship were relating to me the same way my family members did and that I didn’t like that. That therapist offered NONE of the insight(s) given in this video. 0! I was doing most of the corroborating for her. This was super helpful, thank you!

Really scares me to know I was abused and picked a partner who abused me

Very insightful! Do you have a video on how to disrupt those toxic foundation patterns? How to break up those patterns? Real life examples? And attract good healthy people. Thank you for you!

thank you deeply for this information. i am deeply grateful that youve made the decision to put this up and share with your fellow humans.

I had loving mother but she was emotionally unstable in her relationships. My sister committed suicide. I was bullied in school, university and workplaces. These patterns reflect in my behaviour and in my relationships. I am 40 years old. I am not married. I never had fulfilling relationships.

You are totally brilliant. Thank you for these incredible videos. You have changed my life getting me passed obstacles I've been dealing with my whole life. I've been to 1000's of hours of counseling and even just one of your videos has shown to be more rich with wisdom and above all reassurance than all of that! You are awesome!!! Thank you Alan!!!

You are an incredible teacher and highly gifted!

Alan thank you thank you! Turn 50 this year and have worked so hard on myself over the years. Books, groups, therapy. However I am STILL stuck in unproductive patterns with my choice of partner. Whilst I am lucky enough to have a very skilled therapist who discourages the type of romantic analysis or 'theories' that are guessing games (as you describe) , it doesnt change the fact there is work for me to do. Gentle curiousity and a committment to asking what I want to manifest and moving towards that in a disciplined way is now my aim. This subject was beautifully approached and explained by you in this clip. EXTREMELY helpful. Good job....Sam x

my parents were away for the first 13 years of my life and so far all of my romantic interests now all lived far away from me. in a sense, i'm seeking that love that i longed for (my parents being far away when i was young) and doing it all o v e r a g a i n

Your videos are spot on . This simple and effective way of presenting the patterns touches exactly the core!!!

Yes 10 years, on and off its so painfull, my abandoment issues, and having BPD , thankyou so much for your videos they help.

I am so grateful that I found your channel you are extremely insightful!! Thank you!! Much love from California 💕🏆☀️

Wow Alan! Your videos are mind blowing! 🤯 so amazing! Thankyou! 🙏🏻 You’re doing amazing work! You are a gem to humanity 💎

You rock!! Clear and easy to relate to explanations. Loving your videos! Thank you Alan!!!

Alan Robarge thank you so much!!

I’ve been living the healing journey with my partner for the last few months so yes, it’s real.

many years ago I left a controlling man, in a counselling session I was encouraged to talk about my family of origin. I was told instead of marrying a man like my father, I had married a man like my mother. She was the boss...and still tries to be n control of everyone.

Alan, thank you for making your work available online to help me improve self understanding and freeing my psyche to help me reach my potential.

This is so very true. So happy I found. I was about to seek out a therapist but no need now that I’ve found you here... Thank you!

A therapist friend of mine strongly supports a theory like the one you describe re finding “meaning” or a “lesson” in relationship discord and conflict. The theory requires each partner to see how they unconsciously chose someone to replay and thereby “heal” the pain of a past parental lack. It requires both to engage and be willing to be the corrective element for the other. I have always had issues with this due to its complexity and many potential opportunities for not only failure but disaster. I also dislike ideas like “ what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”, “ you will be blessed for enduring and if you don’t endure, failure is your fault” etc. I much prefer your kitchen analogy and it reminds me of one I’ve heard about why the women in a family always sliced the ends off a ham before baking. ( turns out it was because great grandma’s baking pan was too small) Your videos are so brilliant, deep, yet clear. I listen to them repeatedly, always learning some new insight, and look forward to more videos. I would love a video addressing how living in a narcissistic/ toxic relationship affects future relationships based on adaptive and or learned behaviors. Thank you Alan. You help keep me sane.

I created a dysfunctional pattern in my last relationship that in retrospect is exactly what my parents have. I don’t think I created the dynamic that I have with my dad but rather recreated my parents relationship. Basically, I acted like a spoiled brat the exact way my mom acts with my dad. The sad part is that I only realized this after the breakup. Why did I become my mom and treated my bf like she treats my dad? Is this totally fucked up?

Now I understand how my child mind put me where I am now. Thank you for your helpful insight. 👏

GOLD, Thank you.

Thank you for the information, it is it clarified a lot

Great in-depth analysis. Thank you! I believe I repeat relationship with emotionally unavailable people, romantic and friendships. Things rarely feel mutual. I then work harder and end up feeling rejected and abandoned. I keep trying to find emotionally safe healthy relationships but somehow, I end up back in situations that amplifies my insecurities and lack of sense of belonging.

You have read my life and my mind.

Insightful. Thank you.

LOVE THIS ONE! 😁 THANKS.

Powerful insight!

My therapist is nothing like this? Where do you find some one with this kind of advice and intervention?

Excellent!!! Thank you Alan!

Thank you so much for this channel

Truly excellent x

Atleast I can pinpoint my issue now

Thanks. Helpful

Thanks for video good info.

love freedom aloneness.....Osho Very Insightful

Very clear concise to the point information. Thank you.

Wow. Wow, wow! Im only halfway through this and can see the similarities between early childhood and past longterm rwlationship. Funnily enough through the kitchen! Defined roles mother the kitchen, father the bbq that worked well in special domains (dont recall him in the kitchen too often). I learnt to cook from mother and various female relatives as too girlfriends and attended various classes that were fun. Fast forward a number of years. I dont enjoy hosting large gatherings too much work that includes peoples expectations although i enjoy cooking or mucking in the kitchen! My partner had done a commercial course and loved the kitchen, all aspects, buying, prepping, cooking etc. Kind of initial role reversal that on the outside most women were envious that theirs didnt have the same interest or how lucky was i etc? (by the way the agreement was i would washup). Mostly harmonious arrangement, lucky am i? Years down the track we stayed in the country, life had been busy and had this place with an amazing country kitchen. I had the thought to make my loved one a cake as a sign of appreciation. I had not a lot of familiarity with the kitchen layout but knew the basic tools to make a cake. Done it before and looking forward to the activity. He got flustered. I was using too many utensils, not stirring the right way, too much flour on the floor. I tried explaining its ok, ive got this, i just want to say thank you with this gesture. Something pleasurable turned out not in terms of act or emotion (cant remember the cake but i suspect not as the yummiest meal comes from love and balance than randomly put together). Initially i put it down to helping in his own way that bothered me but hey is it worth spilt milk? If i can recall this years later, yep. My point, not the cake, rather control of boundaries and not overstepping traditional domains. We had similar ideas in some areas however the kitchen for him was non negotiable - his. I could watch, assist in limited capacity, trouble... Again during times of sickness where i took over food prepping most of the time he would simply not eat (not because it was inedible as many times soft foods with not much prepping). Rather too anxious about not being in the kitchen. We both grew up where traditional roles determined who we became and thus project towards others. Thank you for simply clearing the cobwebs, and remembering we dont have to be defined by our past, right or wrong. Do the best with the tools you received and applied. Recognise what you can change about self however, if youre significant other doesnt respect your actions because they think youve overstepped some traditional role in their mindset. They wont change, simple. Walk away, never complain, never explain. Constant talking is wasted energy. Seriously how do we never learn important life lessons in the classroom rather than stumbling in the dark for so many years! Thank goodness for youtube! 😎

resonate, profound

great descriptive lesson....it all makes sense

First I married my father! Now I’m dating my full blown uncontrollable angry oldest brother!!!! 😅 Lol

Thank you

My friend is exactly like this. Very dysfunctional relationships that mimic her parents. I've told her this and she knows it but for some reason she can't stop. I wish I could help her. But, I also think she likes doing it. There may no be no help for her.

Thank you for sharing this content. ❤️✨

So the way of changing the pattern is becoming aware of it and consciously choose the opposite? But what about not feeling any sexual attraction towards that kind of person? I only get attracted to emotionaly unable guys🤦🏽‍♀️

This is so scary and true 😟

Excellent video...break old mirrors...create new behaviors...think

Yes, I did date two men who talks or gestures like my dad in the first 3-4 months

I did not manage to marry a healthy non toxic man until I was 50 years old. My father and to sone extent my mother were abusive to me. I dated men since I was 20 who closely resembled my father without realising it. I usually ended the relationships after intense pain. I was in therapy for years since I was 32 years old for these toxic patterns being played out over again. The day i met my healthy loving husband was the day I finally broke free at the age of 46 years old.

I’m looking for a way to tell my brother how I feel about my narcissistic dad. Although, I’m not sure how to tell him that I’m done with a fake parent!

So angry as a child, later married to get away from my family. I was very subservient, & after about 12 years I wanted to run away. Stayed another 10 years, had a bad meltdown & left. Still don't know what the hell happened to me.

I came here once i realized i recreated my parental relationship pattern in one of my friendships. I came here to figure out what to do about this realization 😢

This guy is awesome

“What happens when we are confronted with recurring suffering is we have an invitation to wake up.” 😮…😅…😊…😂…🎉

I had a interesting twist... I always had a 'poor' relationship with my father, and a very strong and carring one with my mother. My father changed (he became a more gentle person, overcame his ptsp and his harshe personality)...I always said i never wanted a person like my father... but now... I AM my father, and I am in great and more caring emotional relationship with my father...while my relatiosnhip with my mother has gotten 'cold' distant. Now...my partners , the thing that 'hurts' me in my relationships, is the same behavior my mother has... cool, stable, but emotionaly 'closed' (not open). Not sure if I'm having daddy issues or mommy issues.....

That’s just so sad to keep doing the same crap and not realize it and doing it again

You don’t have to live in denial to believe that everything has a purpose. You can, though. Just be aware.

can you still change your own ways of relating if you still live with your family of origin?

Omg, YES - this 14:30 thinking is dangerous. I did it, toxic relationshit is there for a meaning. Thats why I also gave up the spiritual path. Not so that I've already had a foundation for that kind of thinking from attachment injuries, but I've picked something up from some gurus, that wasn't so helpful. Btw, Christianity has also some bad advices like love your enemies or to turn the other cheek...

I think you are right about respeattng relationship relationship missteps. But i think you are missing the mark on the spiritual reason for repeating same relationship mishaps. On the psychological side i think youre saying how did you get here and what did you learn and this is how you go forward. The exact same thing on the spiritual side! Yes.

While I am enjoying listening to all the videos. I am already aware of all the reasons that I am like I am. But, what do I do to fix it?

I can't find the Facebook group. Does it still exist?

Frult ighetus razo per illum?

I Did that! And i have tô go to divorce.

I've heard that we meet and become our parents when we grow up but yet I couldn't see the patterns for decades. Is it normal to take so long? Tbh I can't remember half of my childhood so that's even worse 🙄😖

No, I married my Mom Aha-ha

One? How do we find what we want .Not what we had in childhood.🤔🤔🤔🤔🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🙄🙁

Familiar? No wonder they never feel the same and leave me.

Omg learning this pushed me to divorce

i want a gf that loves me and bring my breakfast to my bed like mike mommy lol

Watched a good 7 minutes and still learned nothing. Stop repeating what everyone knows and tells us something useful. 7 minutes and you didn’t get past the title. Why does this happen? How do you get out of the pattern? Or should you?

God I hate this