Shame As A Prison 

It feels like i just cant change, I know I'm aware of my shame, my people-pleasing ways, my control issues, perfectionism, caring too much about the opinions and thoughts of other, I am paralysed and stuck in anxiety, I feel hopeless some times so I try my best to keep to myself now and isolate myself, being around others is so so exhausting I am always on alert, always on edge

It seems like shame is the ultimate abusive relationship

If only you were my therapist 30 years ago, wasted decades on "therapy" that went nowhere 😢😢😢

Physically sick in stomach after listening. This is my thinking forever. It feels very hopeless to get thru. I do have some help & have lost so much in past year.

What an accurate description of the shame spiral! The details of singing while cleaning and remembering my siblings making fun of me. For some reason, in my family singing for the sake of singing and expression is a sign of madness and showing unexplained joy for being alive is shameful. How bitter they were at seeing joy! How miserable must be a person to be bothered by someone else's joy! Thanks again, Tim. I'm going to save this piece of art because I know I will need to hear it again to battle and not get stuck in any trench.

This man is a God sent. You just described my whole life. I just realized that all my guilty feelings are nothing but shame and fear 😢

My shame started with controlling, threatening and verbally abusive people in the form of two hate filled parents! Shame on them!

I've been living comically literally in this prison for the past 5 years. After failing the grad school, I came back home and locked myself. I even stopped checking my social media accounts under the heavy shadow of shame. At first, I genuinely believed that it was just a break to figure out my true calling. I would let myself to be, sharpen my skills, and come back stronger. I was tragically naive. I glamorous prison break plan had been nothing but the sinister, gulish plan of Shame's head of torture office, agent perfectionism. It took three to four years that I yielded to this fact that i am here for a lifetime. The prison is my life. I will keep listening to you, though. For a moment, I almost remembered the taste of hope.

This is me 100% all the time. I started feeling some anxiety just listening to this, but it help me to understand what is happening. Thank you so much.🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

THANK YOU!!! You are answering questions I have had since I was a child and throughout my years. The way you explain it is very easy to understand and comprehend. This information has magically opened my eyes to the cause and effects that has controlled my entire life. But not no more... I can now see others going through the same and will definitely send them your way.

It's tremendously hard but worth it. You are worth it.

There's aback story to every problem that pops up. Years long resentments run deep. Best thing I ever did was to leave.

I notice my shame was a protective part when I was younger because it made me small, quiet, unobtrusive and apologetic. Now as an adult if I feel vulnerable or tired or upset or angry or sick my body reacts by triggering my shame. Shame I can't be perfect or happy or healthy. It tells me I am broken or faulty and need to withdraw from everyone around me. It shuts off my access to love and ability to accept love from others. It's so isolating and exhausting. Healing is possible but it definitely does take time!

This makes me wish that I ran away when I was younger. My parents have destroyed me.

I forgot all my childhood experiences and always puzzle later in life for my own wierdness Thanks to Tim,for bringing back my memories,now I know how all my life decisions make sense

You gave my apathy a name - I now can see my "prison" and why I struggled for nearly a year now to get help. I thought it was depression without the black cloud - but it is/was shame all along. Whatever, big thanks to you, I listen to a lot of your lectures, but this one hit the spot. Thank you very much!

I used this analogy many times..the prison without bars, guilt, verdict, judge, guards, protecting myself from the world and the world from me, absurd, but very powerful

This is one of the BEST teachings on Shame, I have ever heard. He broke the effects down to where a little child could understand. I’ve been helped tremendously! Thank you and may God grant you the fortitude to keep up the good work you are providing to the world at large. 👍🏽👏🏽🙏🏽😇

Shame is a the #1 tool of the demonic. This is why, in my personal opinion, we need to have a relationship with some unconditionally loving higher power, at the core all of this is spiritual but we must also use practical tools. I've noticed that many people with cptsd are triggered by talk of God becasue we were spiritually abused. I've found that healing a relationship with God was key in getting out of the shame prison.

The last bit was so heart breaking. I know that self imposed prison very well. Looking from the outside in, it's soul shattering witnessing someone punish themselves for doing something as simple as waking up. I've been punishing myself for so long.

The mom scenario is exactly what happened to me except I ended up cutting out my entire family. I have been struggling with crippling shame and this video is exactly what I needed.

❤God answers our prayers of healing and freedom through this psychiatrist GLORY!!!

This has got to be one of the best series on RU-vid. It definitely one of the main things that helped me get over my divorce and my work on my drinking issues. Great work!Thank you for everything.

This video helps me realize that I don't have to be so hard on myself for feeling ' it's so much work' to get through those bars, guards, and security systems. Thank you to Tim and to 'Jessica' for sharing your struggles in everyday things. Bless you both.💗

How have you just described my whole life Tim. The Daily routine is mine.

I'm exhausted burned out in my 8 years old marriage. I had a 9 months of trauma counseling 4 years ago as a community church helped me to access for a very low fee. I'm married to a man w a TBI front lobe very verbally aggressive, disrespectful towards calling me names. He is also very secretive about his past and often goes out for long hours behaving like a single, not married person. He drinks with buddies almost every day and lie to me often. It seems I'm his 4th of 5th wife, I'm not sure, I thought I was his 3rd wife. I just can't take it anymore he crushes me often and I'm unhealthy passive to my circumstances. I'm full of shame in my marriage and need to have courage to leave him. I need to get rid of this heaviness I'm carrying around and start to run free to the goal of my race. I'm 61 years old and feel so old and so tired. I pray wisdom enable me to stand for myself and find my voice and space again. I don't trust people, I avoid people and have a tendency to keep to myself to feel safe but I need safe kind people in my life. I need prayers to walk away and feel free to laugh and enjoy life again.🙏

It feels like you just spent a week in my head. Wow. The difference it makes to have language and reasoning behind what happens for me makes such a difference.

Thank you Tim. You are helping me to change my life. I'm forever grateful. ❤🙏 I get so much out of these Shame videos.

Good lord, her description of her internal monologue at the end is SO familiar but it's so jarring to hear it spoken out loud. To hear the near constant barrage of negative thoughts that we have to fight against every day. It truly is so exhausting.

Thank you and the person who wrote the dairy for reading it.

Thank you so much. It was so uncomfortable when I started noticing my thoughts. I didn’t realize that this was something that I was going to have to go through. I also didn’t notice that God made us in a way that when we start noticing our thoughts the Holy Spirit inside of us starts working on them of his own accord.

It seems to me a majority of society is afflicted with shame. A shame filled society we live under.

I've been following Tim's wisdom for about 2.5 yrs! I have seen a major shift in my behavior! Highly recommend finding a trauma therapist to heal the childhood CPTSD. If you find a good one that has survived their own CPTSD they will help you reparent yourself while addressing your daily triggers, flashbacks thru EMDR, or similar modality. Over time you will notice your inner parts integrate and emotions regulate... nervous system becomes more grounded and self compassion becomes a daily occurrence. The toxic shame and inner critic wont continue to direct our behavior in 4F's...Limbic brain. We will become more goal oriented in healthy self care... we will be more curious and compassionate toward self and others! We will develop a new purpose for living! Don't give up! You are resilient! ❤️‍🩹

Thank you so much for this, and for the journal entry. I almost cried listening to it as it reminded me of how I used to be and made me reflect on the monumental amount of progress I've made. For those of us who are far along in our healing journey, a reminder of the shame spiral of CPTSD that we've all experienced.

Incredible content as always Tim. Thank you for helping me realise the huge part shame plays in my life, which before I was completely unaware of.

I am watching it again. I am relief for your clarification that it is long war or process. Sometimes I have felt like giving up. Thank you Sir. your work is so helpful. God bless.

Called “pig, lazy pig, slob, stupid, lazy, dumb” etc by my parents for years growing up. Horribly shamed for simply being a messy little kid. Fast forward to 37 and my MIL is very nit picky. Watches most things I do and makes “funny” helpful comments. I panic being around her

So glad I have worked through and let go of so many layers of shame. Still got many to go, but I See the work working!

I am only halfway through this video and love ❤️ every word Tim is communicating. I will have to listen to it on repeat.

I have to train myself to think differently because this is exactly the problem.

Ok, now I have tears in my eyes. This is so much like me. Thank you for this, this is a brilliant validating video. 🙏🙏🙏 Edit: I will be watching this multiple times

Tim seems to really understand what it's like to feel shame. Maybe I can finally get over some of my shame.

thank you for putting your finger on exactly what I have felt for so long, too long. it's really hard to express in words myself but you've put the words together that nail how the past few years of my life have felt at the low points where shame was controlling me.

Thank you, Tim. You go into deep into the "resistance" spoken of in "The War of Art". And thank you, Jessica. You have expressed the way I experience things.

I am 35 and hid away from the world due to massive amounts of shame for most of my life. I have done things that, if they were to come out, would make me lose friends and family (it is not illegal). I wish i found videos like this, had a mentor or youtube was a thing when i was a teenager. I have struggled for more than half my life and kept every single thing to myself, not sharing anything with a single soul. It all makes sense now because i am a perfectionist and try to control everything (someone said that it was due to childhood trauma and not being in control as a kid)

Thank you for showing me that I'm in prison. I came back here in 2004. I should have stayed in Washington. But I'll never be able to walk out of the shame if I had not come here. I hurt my back in 1993 I thought if I came here, back close to family, would be good. Thank you for showing me the way to excape my prison.

God. Shame has halted me at so many points in life. Its ruined relationships, denied creativity and expression... why are we torturing ourselves like this? After a while you just think fk it, coz you're gonna feel like garbage regardless of right or wrong or perfect. It's your shame of your OWN doing and that doesn't have to be the case. Disregard that fully embedded inner-standard and just fk it. Literally what's the worst that can happen? Oh you feel bad? You felt bad anyway But at least you didn't let shame that was imposed upon you stop you for once, and thats the point

i just went through a big cycle of this and am just around 50 starting to get to where i can start evaluating it.

Thank you! Great discussion 🙏

One of the few instances I’ve felt compassion for myself 😀 thank you!

I have seen more mental health and recovery specialists than I could list and recall. I had a good childhood, but it never admitted to traa but “the trauma I brought on myself. Of course I knew I had shame, but this complex trauma definition, coupled with the biggest harm of shame and repeated failures…This is the explanation I've been dying for for decades. I've been following you for some time, but this video. It's like youve entered my mind and are reporting back to me everything you see, things that I can feel but not express in words. Thank you.❤ Thank you.

this is the realest thing ive seen regarding to exactly what im dealing with

You letcions are absolutely brilliat, thank you

Thanks for Your analysis on shame cycle

Whoa... Words to my thinking. Im shook

Sometimes you gotta fight with your fears,sometimes you gotta fight with your mind! There's a war going on that nobody knows about. War inside my head! Great band ST

I didn't even realise that I had shame issues, till I started listening to this.😮

Excellent explanation

How are you so articulate this shit SO WELL?! 🙏🏻🙏🏻💁🏻‍♀️ Thank you.🙏🏻

Thank you Mr Fletcher for your time that you share to educate all of us. Bless you!🙏💚😊

Wow!!! This topic helps me greatly. Thanks

Thank you very much! ❤❤

That was great! I do hope there is a follow up video in the works on how-tos of dealing with or addressing getting rid of shame🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

thank you so much for this lecture, it was enlightening for me and allowed me to see my unconscious emotions in a new light

Amazing. Mind blowing how evrything is so clear explaind and felt. Thank you.

Hi Tim, i just recently found your channel and i am so thankful to be here. You’ve given me a pretty detailed roadmap to figure out how my life’s experiences have affected who I am. Shame and disappointment are probably my worst enemies. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wealth of insight.

I am going to listen to this one a few more times but I felt like you were describing me from start to finish-even the mother example at the beginning and the partner one too. Wow-it helped me just to hear those examples knowing I’m living them and to hear that it’s really not my fault is somehow freeing and all at once troubling to realize. Thank you for this video-truly helped me.

I'm impressed by your level of knowledge on shame. It's like your in my mind. Feel less alone but long IS the way but possible. Thank you Tim. You give Hope and help me to feel less alone on this journey.

Omg this is so powerful!!!

Tim expresses this so clearly!! Not only is this helping me it’s understanding my father that recently died of cancer what he bound by, so deeply and unconsciously… Alanon helped me break out of the people pleasing and Pete Walkers book on c-ptsd helped me understand it, make it conscious- but I’ve been working on it over a decade and it is such a prison! Even tho I’ve gotten out of the main cell, I still haven’t got off the property. This is so helpful I’m in tears, thank you…

Thank You so much! Because of Your videos I started therapy of trauma. Before I had 3therapies that were just touching the top of my problems. Thank You!

Wow! Thank you so much! You helped me realize so much about myself. Lightbulb moment! Thank you so much for posting this 🙏

WOW ❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️. inter-generational shame prisons … keeping me “stuck”. This is so so resonating, My Mother, myself & my connecting with my brother’s youngest daughter who is wrestling with this shame & I am in denial…. and constantly stuck in this swamp. THANK YOU 💞

Just wanted to say this is an amazing video!

Tim thank you you are a real pro in human souls

Thank you. 🙏

Thanks tim

Thanks!

Thank you ❤❤❤❤❤❤

Excellent 👍👍

Layer of security and fear of value

Dziękujemy.

Thanks for this video. I'm very thankful. I think it'll be a great help for me. Even though my cortex was fighting to keep the shame under control, there's times when my limbic system would completely take over and I'd feel shame for this. I'd get past the bars, past the walls on the daily but then the prison guards would come along. And I'd spiral back into prison. There'd be days I would be tired of fighting. But now that I'm aware that this is an entire system, I think I'll be able to be consistent in my healthy changes. I've come this far with little changes. And those changes were good. So all's I gotta do is keep going. Doesn't matter if I fail. Just gotta keep going.

Tack!

This is probably the single most helpful video I've ever found. Thank you ❤

The worst guilt trip that a parent, especially narcissistic parents, can do is to raise the child to believe 'god said to honor your parents'. They never say the rest of that scripture. This notion that setting boundaries and defending myself against my parent was 'disrespectful', I carried unnecessary shame. It has taken years to deprogram my brain. Thank you for this!

Jessica's notes: "Big trigger shame which I can feel as conscious pain. I am in the way and worthless. I was right. Mind fills with darkness, eyes down, senses dull and lost in feelings of inferiority and rejection." This is Rejection Sensitivity Dypshoria. It is found also in ADHD and Autism where neurodivergents were ashamed since childhood repeatedly and being disciplined to become neurotypical that the amount of criticism is now became trauma of rejection.

that story with the mother resonates so hard with me except it was me getting upset that my mother would beat the shit out of me and my dad and siblings would tell me its bc she loves me anytime I ever dared to stand up, I conformed now but I resent her quietly.

Tim- I just watched your talk from a few years ago 32/33 about self sabotage. It resonates in my life since I was 14(?). I have always tried to get past it. I had gotten away from the family. And was getting very good at manifesting. Then the undermining started. Then my girlfriend did some bad things to me, felonies if it was a man, it was physical; it involved lying to police. Then a psychologist with a phd stole everything. I couldn’t defend myself. Now I’m really broken. What can I do? Both of these women punished me when I self improved. It put me back 50 years. My life is ruined. This is serious and important to me. Edit: I have found out what a narcissist is. Never heard of it before. I have accepted, through therapy, that I had a lot of complex trauma in childhood.

Not the journal lol. Dang that was so relatable. This is really tough work !!

No body perfect and must value back

Excellent insights, Tim. I was paralyzed with shame most of my life; you could say I had a shame-based identity. I experience shame through what I have done. (my sin) I experience shame through what has been done to me. (sin against me) I experience shame through what I believe. (ungodly beliefs) >>> But God! God's redemptive solution for shame caused by my sin is confession and repentance. [Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9; 2 Corinthians 7:10] God's redemptive solution for shame caused by sin against me (emotional wounds) is forgiveness. [Matthew 6:14-15; Mark 11:25; Colossians 3:13] God's redemptive solution for shame caused by my ungodly beliefs is truth that sets free. [John 8:31-32; John 17:17; Psalm 119:160] 1 John 3:8 "The Son of God appeared to destroy the works of the devil." Blessings

Tim. Recently I recovered feelings associated with a childhood experience. It’s like in a matter of moments, I saw how I had gone from a sense of shame, to a sense of humiliation, then hopelessness and confusion. As a child, it was more than I could handle, and it appears that I shutdown. Or, in other words, repression kicked in. I think it’s a good thing that it did, because as a child, I didn’t have the resources to cope with what I was going through. After the recovery of these feelings, I feel as if my shame has reduced considerably. I don’t think talk therapy, or reading more books or listening to more videos could have helped to alleviate my shame as effectively as revisiting the feelings associated with this childish experience On the other hand, in the last few months, I’ve watched many of your videos. Perhaps in some way watching the videos helped me get to the point where I felt safe enough to allow myself to open up to and face the memory component of a childhood experience that had for years been too difficult for me to allow to come up. I probably should add that I’ve been working with an empathic therapist who is a good listener I don’t know if everyone who has a shame based identity has to recover repressed feelings for real healing to occur. But in my case, I have a more significant understanding of how repression works, and a new found respect for this important defence mechanism My sense is that a repressed memory in regards to a humiliating childhood experience can imbue us with a sense of shame that informs all of our relationships in the here and now If you think that you may have had one or more experiences which were too much for you to cope with as a child, consider that there may have been a moment when it became more than you could handle on your own. You may need the support of a good therapist to help you get to the point where you are ready to recover a part of the experience which you had to block, or repress. In my case, I went through a period where I experienced a range of difficult feelings as I began to open up to an experience which had been more traumatic for me than I had been previously aware. Therefore, I think it’s a good idea to have the support of a therapist who really understands this process

A very accurate description of my relationship with my husband. What made it really hard for me is when he accused me of being narcissist, he did it in front of others, especially those I care how they see me. What can I do to manage the way out of the being trapped by shame by ignoring him but also don't want those I care not affected by what he said? Should I argue back, I felt like I fall for the same trap again, arguing over a lie.

I'm struggling so much right now. It doesn't help that I'm also jobless trying to find a job and have absolutely nothing. I feel like I'm literally trying to keep myself from overthinking myself over the edge. I don't know what to do anymore. All mys solutions seem to have hit a wall.

Thank you Jesus for this message. I have taken steps and literally like in the beginning mother tried to stop me. I knew it was an attack from Satan. I will be outcast and outside of every single person in my family if need be but I will not be controlled by false guilt and shame to please others and hurt myself. I will give care to myself and Gods way. Following manipulation is not following Gods path. They can’t kill our souls unless we allow it. I will not conform

In the end when the woman was describing how she got to the point of a panic attack I had to stop listening it had already brought on a, I can't breathe anxiety attack. Shame I should not have this response to someone else's story. Shame I recognize it could just as well of been my story. Shame will I ever get well.

Powerful

15:00 but my brain goes “yeah but… its actually kind of true for most of these” and I sincerely believe it. for most of these. Why is toxic positive thinking and delusional cope the answer? (thank you though. I really value this content regardless)

Thank you Tim ! I found you courtesy of Theo vonn and I love the mssg u send thank you for all that you do to feed the Lords sheep ! 🐑