Should You Be Honest Or Polite? 

This is a long but good explanation of "all that's said must be true, but not all that's true needs to be said."

"I'm glad it's you and not me." Damn. That actually made me laugh. That is some real brutal honesty 😂

I would say tact 95% of the time is the best form of communication; however, there is that 5% of the time where people need to be shocked with honesty. Usually people that are in deep denial about their harmful actions, whether it is to themselves or to the people around them.

I nvr understood how honesty is hurtful . But hey this world full of sensitive souls. But i understand the message. Being honest doesnt win friends and influence over ppl . 👌🏽

In high stakes situations honesty is better, coupled with respect, of course. I have learned pretty early in my adult years that being honest about how I feel about an important issue might be uncomfortable at first, but clears the air in the long run, both in private life and at work. Avoiding talking about important things because of the fear of confrontation of opinions or ideas can hurt the body and soul much more than speaking openly about them. But being honest is not the same as being blunt. Being blunt is just an excuse for insulting people.

Your videos are helping my social anxiety. I'm always nervous going into conversations. I didn't realize most people are subconsciously deciding who is safe. Shifting my focus from me acting perfectly to considering if the other person feels safe in our conversation relieves some of my fear.

I think I'm a little jaded that the indirect approach has been used in relationship against me in a passive aggressive codependent way. I went through a blunt honest phase and did lose some friends and pushed some of my husbands friends away. I see the wisdom of using tact and politeness with people that are not in our closest circle but it is nice to have a few friends with whom we can just BE and SAY.

As a teacher, I feel that I had to develop many methods of delivering the truth tacfully to be effective when dealing with children, parents, other teachers and my principal.

When you said every interaction is a risky proposition because of the risks involved. I resonated with that. I'm considering going minimal contact with my parents. Almost every conversation is them trying to figure out how I am a bad person.

People will always forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou. 🤔🤔🤔

I enjoyed this. This presentation makes a lot of sense to me. This whole truth/honesty thing really confuses me at times in our day-to-day social lives, where we are basically required or pressured into wearing a variety of social faces or masks. In the name of politeness and tact, we often have to say things we may not mean, or not say things we do mean, or show behaviors/mannerisms that we may not feel, etc. And this feels phony and deceptive to me. I actually feel that in order to effectively navigate the complex social world, that we all have to be very good actors; we all have to excel at being able to tailor our public self to the demands, needs, and expectations of changing social situations. Plus, we all have agendas and motivations and desires, so we also tailor our public face in ways to help us get what we want. And so much of this social shape-shifting feels fraudulent. I actually feel like I'm lying much of the time.

What I've noticed is that the people that I've known that communicate with "brutal honesty" seem to have a superior attitude. They many times make assumptions without asking questions. They hold their opinion above your feelings, and will say to you "truthfully" that they are not responsible for your feelings. There usually isn't any reasoning with them. There seems to be a lack of empathy in their personalities. However, I have also been around people that I didn't have any idea what they thought. It was extremely frustrating and felt unsafe. I found this position to be more unbearable and I felt very manipulated. In the reveal of their thoughts, I learned that they too made assumptions without asking questions first, and held their opinion in higher regard then anything else.

As someone with absolutely no shame whatsoever, I can truly appreciate watching a brutally honest person with no filter do their thing. They're the best to have around when you find yourself amongst a bunch of uptight squares who take themselves and their sensibilities a bit too seriously. What I lack in shame I make up for in apathy. I think they find it refreshing to come across someone invulnerable to embarrassment and impossible to offend.

The cancer example was funny because that is exactly how brutally honest I would want a doctor to be. When it’s life and death I want complete and brutal honesty. Other times it’s mostly just opinions which are just not that important

Thanks. Now I see the only person I should be 100% brutally honest is myself

I find that radical honesty has a place where safety is assumed, that no one is is going to be harmed by such honesty. This assumes also a trust in life... that if forms of negativity arise, that the parties involved can handle life and that at least one of these can stay with the other person honestly until a clear resolution can be reached and people can grow beyond their illusions. Radical honesty also assumes that we can have a level of self development that we can be honest with ourselves. If this is so then we must also have compassion for others before we are ready for practising radical honesty. Yes practice radical honesty; be willing to have courage to know that life will support the authentic movement of your energy, AND don't be a jerk. This could transform our world.

Bruce, I think you broke it down well in this video. This was an issue I struggled with since I was young. People used to avoid me because I upheld my 'values' that the truth will always prevail, and people 'should' learn how to accept criticism if they want to better themselves. And, i was glad those people didn't stick around because those who did were the true gems I wanted in my life anyway. But then over the years, I realize that if I were a true wordsmith, I would be able to get the point across with the outcome that I hoped for while maintaining good rapport. That's where learning to communicate truly comes in because a language is merely a tool but being creative in yielding meaningful outcomes is an art. When we think we should rush to 'speak the truth', our minds are still very elementary or is still too poor in processing the complex and dynamic situations in order to create a great 'message'. With a simple mind, we think that there is only one message, one way to say something in any one particular situation. Often, there is no anticipation of the results as the mind obsesses about having the thoughts purged. A concept applied so widely; in any work we do, we do it better when we have given it more consideration, meaning and edit. So let our speech be made of good work.

I think people who are more literal tend to be more brutally honest. They tend to be more blunt and also prefer people who are blunt with them. That was the value I idealized in my youth. As I have gotten older, I have seen that there are strengths in both, and it really depends a lot on the context and the personality of your conversation partner. I know that there are people I have unintentionally hurt with my bluntness. At the time I thought I was respecting them by being direct, but now I realize I was sometimes just being rude and not appreciating their sensitive nature. I have also wasted a lot of time trying to get these types of people to speak bluntly and critically toward me, but it is a waste of time. It just isn't their nature. You explain it well when you say that people feel the social and reputational stakes of an interaction and that they feel more secure around somebody who will be mindful of that. On the other hand, I do love being with a person I don't have to watch my words with because we both just openly acknowledge and ultimately accept that we are both flawed. If you are going to go the route of bluntness, I'd say try to do it in private and also begin by acknowledging your own weaknesses so you don't sound like you are looking down on the other person.

I was neglected as a child and until now I realized I’m blunt to people to get a shock and in turn attention from them. I try not to be that way. Constant struggle and i feel bad for people that have to deal with me.

I should have guessed from the title, these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. This video really speaks to me, a good reminder not to be so all or nothing.

As someone who struggles with emotional intelligence, I often think I am presenting a soft version of truth but people do not receive it that way. I honestly have no idea where I go wrong but I have spent a lifetime of being misunderstood.

To me it's a matter of selfishness vs respect. Being blunt means someone puts their own narcissistic self-worth over mine and won't consider meeting halfway in a conversation. Being tactful means someone is respectful enough to consider my feelings. It doesn't take a lot of effort, but selfish people paint it as if it is.

Brutal honesty DOES indeed destroy relationships.... My life can be an example of this truth!

I believe that brutal honesty is a problem. But simple honesty is the language of the gifted. Honesty even when put in likely offensive words only needs a follow up of kindness and understanding. You must let the other person know that you are not speaking in this way to them from a place of perceived superiority. That single thing is what makes someone upset, angry, hurt, embarrassed.. when spoken to honestly and bluntly. But when you make sure to bond and connect with who that person is and let them understand who you are, that is where strong relationships are made. Some people cannot be communicated with or reached easily in this way. Usually due to self unawareness or inflated ego. Possibly lower intelligence at times as well. But even those people you can find the right situation that you can finally break through to them.

Great video and thank you so much. I have lost so many friends because I have not been tactful enough and end up hurting the person instead of "helping" them. I tell myself I am helping them be a better person. They usually only got hurt and determined I was not a "safe" person. I have become a bit of a recuse fearing social contact. I realize there is a balance and I need to develope more kindness. Thank you again.

This brings me back to drivers ed. I never got my license as a teen and put it off indefinitely after I moved to a city where I don't need to drive. A few years ago, after some failed previous attempts, I finally committed myself to get my license. I signed up for drivers ed and over the next couple months I built up a good degree of confidence behind the wheel. This whole time I had the same driving instructor, who was very chill and made me feel at ease while also being a good teacher. He was very tactful in how he communicated when I made a mistake, so I never felt discouraged. Fast forward to the week before my road test-- my instructor couldn't be there, so the company assigned a sub (who allegedly was with the company longer than the other instructors and had a great track record). From the second the class started, this guy was loud, obnoxious, and extremely cocky (he mainly talked about himself and how great of a teacher he is). I ended up getting very distracted by him and started making a couple driving errors I didn't make with my usual instructor. About halfway through the lesson, he says something like: "I need to be honest with you. You are going to fail your road test." He also said that because I was over 25, my brain was fully developed and I can't learn new things anymore. I was already so anxious anticipating my road test, and that was the last thing I needed to hear. Regretfully, I never took the road test and still don't have my license. Maybe someday...

I recently realized that my brutal honesty drove people away, I thought I did good because I was been straight to the point, expressing my thoughts and feelings and criticisms. But trust me it doesn't work like that in the real world. We all have feelings and by this virtue, we need to take care of each other. I have learned to be more tactful when talking to someone more especially in cases that are tense. Being aware of what the other person will feel after makes you the kindest person, a person people would love to open up to. I now view Blunt honesty as just an excuse for one to be rude. This is really helpful. Thank you🙏

Blunt brutal honesty is a contradiction. It lacks basic kindness. Honesty is beautiful but so is kindness and these beauties should both be in operation. Blunt brutality is just that. Brutal. Brutality is never a good thing. I loved the poem by Emily Dickinson.

I had to be brutally honest to a friend who has hurt my feelings and lied to me for a few years, so I just let the truth fly! It was never a true friendship and I'm glad it's over.

I used to be a very direct, brutally honest person. It hardly EVER went well. Over time and maturity through mistakes, I learned tact and how to tell the “truth in love”. There is something to be said for both not avoiding the truth but also not bludgeoning people with. Now, I have to deal with a brutally honest spouse. Who was NOT like this pre-marriage. He is upset that the exclusivity of marriage has not afforded him the simplicity of being brutally honest. I got into a habit of only being very honest with him but not with anyone else. I now see the error. We cannot even be completely brutally honest with a spouse, as they are human and also have to save face in the relationship. We have years of emotional damage and ruined intimacy we are trying to repair from him missing this and I throwing in the towel and just acting in kind. EVERYONE needs tact and the truth told “ at a slant” whether they claim to need it or not. Women may seem externally more sensitive to brutal truth, but men seem to internalize it and it comes out later. Be kind and speak kind to one another, especially when having to speak hard truth that someone probably wont want to hear. There have been, since I learned how to be kind-fully and tactfully honest, maybe 2 or 3 people in about a decade that I felt needed someone to be brutally honest based on their mental situation, state and circumstance. It was needed because they were spiraling, hurting others/themselves, and the kind approach done several times did NOT work. They needed a shock out of their mental state to get them to leap out of what they were doing/ thinking. I have a friend now destroying her marriage with he bitterness, coldness, control of her husband while simultaneously disallowing him to voice his concerns or ask how to serve and do things for her… she needs someone to be seriously honest because she is only gathering “supportive” people who agree with her “side”. She has shut me and others out who would sit down and walk her out of her mental state. I am hoping/ praying our former Pastor will be honest this week with her and get her to understand her marriage is not just her and she will stop treating her husband like a work dog and also admit her fears and what is causing this. Brutal honesty is a nuke in your arsenal that should ONLY be used with close friends that trust you and who are in such a bad place they will hurt themselves or others or destroy their whole lives if not given. Its a rare situation and should be treated as a last option.

Thank you so much for making this video. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you...I appreciate this. Very true 💯

Thanks for this. I’m reading Crucial Conversations and this video is a another great perspective that’s helping me become a better communicator. I’ve struggled with being brutally honest and always thought it was the right thing to do- now I see why it’s not. Thinking I’m right all the time has been my greatest obstacle but I can see it now- I can move around the obstacles….there’s more than one way to think or do something. I’m not right no matter how I justify it, there’s always another way to see things. Thank you 🙏

In Christianity, this concept is taught as "speaking the truth in love". The love part is important to remember.

Thank you for sharing this explanation in such a patient, clear way with examples, and your reading the poem by Emily Dickinson was fantastic! That was a wonderful surprise and memorable. :)

Amazing video! Love how you explain everything and I'm in love of that poem, thank you

I love this! I feel that complete honesty is an excuse to be rude in some cases.

Thank you for your videos. You are a blessing. So many of us struggle with communication problems that have a huge impact on our lives and our well-being.

I find this extremely challenging as an austistic and Adhd person. I've ended up in the camp where I just don't talk much, and I DEFINITELY DON'T TALK BACK to anyone (like how an authority figure tells a child to not talk back), which has led to me being a doormat, but I'm always polite...I'm just hardly honest (with other people, and apparently with myself), from lying by omission, as I'll only say the kind stuff and not even indirectly address the issue (because it's not my place to speak up; people are going to do what they do, and who am I to tell them what to do with their lives? I have no authority over them)

I don’t give my opinion, when nobody asked for it. But, when someone asks me what I think, I tell them bluntly.

Thank you very much for this words, I've been struggling with this kind of matters about being honest or polite, but I think your video reachs the goal about what you want to say. I think there are some advantages about being radical, but also disadvantages, I would let people being that way, but knowing they can be dangerous to me or to my closest ones. There is that person we sometimes know whose behaviour is radically honest, he/she has some friends but mostly people tends to avoid him/her, and for the other hand there is a person extremely polite, who can become a bit or a lot annoying, so I get your point with that kind of balance between those topics. Thanks again! Saludos desde Mexico!

Wisdom plays a part in good communication.

I'm learning a lot from your channel and finding ways to improve communication and stay authentic and feel less anxiety and awkwardness, especially in new situations with new people especially in large social gatherings or public speaking. I'm working on introductions and small talk and not going into deeply with conversations. I'm told I don't come across awkward or like I'm not confident but I have almost always had those feelings. I am working on having more confidence and assertiveness and being less blunt as well. I'm trying to navigate how to have polite conversation for a few hours at social events where I either don't really know people very well yet or I do by text but it may translate differently once I'm there. I'm not sure how to join in and have something to say and not say too much. Thank you!

My biggest problem with tact, and this is just my personal experience, (not with everyone but certain people) is that you're ignored. People don't take the hints. They don't really want to change their behavior, nor do they really care about how their behavior affects you and so they use your civility as an excuse to continue to act in ways that are on a spectrum from just annoying to you all the way to downright abuse. People will continue to destroy your boundaries again and again unless you hit them over the head with a 2X4. Not what I want to do but that's what I do to people who disregard manners.

I agree with every single word. Thank you for sharing

Absolutely loved it. Well put. Thank you. One thing I would add is to help the other party to take some responsibility in not getting hurt by hearing the truth and rather find it helpful and grow. I am going to do a podcast about this "Brutally honest, good or bad". That is why I was listening to your to get some different perspectives. And I am really glad to stumble upon this video.

This really broke it down for me in easy to understand language.

So true and so excellent, thank you!

I live for honesty, truthfulness and authenticity with gravitas

These presentations are helping me so much. With the culture that I grew up in, they don't teach you these things. Hopefully I can find a video that teach you to be tactful with our communication. - Jamaica

Like most things in life balance is key. Between being honest and being kind balance is key. I really appreciate your visions on this, this deserves more views as it will make you think about this stuff. I sometimes feel like the blunt are increasing in numbers, and it's hard as being more of a polite type. At the same time I feel I could be more honest sometimes, both in making myself and others feel better. However, I subscribed to your channel!

I value every time someone has been brutally honest with me.

This was very helpful I needed this, I'm not the most honest person in the world and I hate saying this but this video is very helpful now I know how to interact with my parents and friends thank you ❤

I know so many people who can not tolerate my uniqueness no matter how tactfully I assert my decisions

Short summary: "It's not what you say, but how you say it"

This advice came at the perfect time for someone I know. I forwarded it to her because the employee example is what she's dealing with.

It is a great channel, very interesting to listin to

great advice!!! Thank you

the radical truth here is that this video is great! ^^

i wholeheartely agree with you.

Underrated video. Underrated wisdom.

To the point and with great examples, as usual)

Great point.I liked this a lot. I have also listened to Ray Dalio and I think he was expecting that to be used mostly in the high level corporate environment.

I agree with you.vbeing brutally honest is a terrible idea. This is from personal experience and I'm realizing the importance of tact and diplomacy.

Before even hearing this I’m emphatically for BOTH! Not that I always do this, it’s hard to get it right, but try to practice doing both.

Pure gold information 👌.

I was completing my nursing clinical rotation on Ortho when the physician came into my patient's room and simply stated "Well, I can't save your leg, I'm going to have to cut it off" and left the room! Horrendous!

Very good examples here, sir! In my culture, it’s a lot more acceptable to be blunt and that was my first example in life. I’ve been learning how to be more tactful, but it’s a work in progress. Thank you for these wonderfully informative videos. They are helping me greatly in becoming a better communicator.

Really helpful - thank you

This video really impacted the way I think about communication. Could you please provide more examples of applying tact with honesty? I would like to learn how techniques and timing, how to apply techniques of tact in the proper way at the appropriate time.

Thanks for this, been looking for something like this. I think emotional levels differ in everyone. Some people are just too emotional even pointing out facts in a polite way is too much for them! I prefer brutal honesty as I am not good at reading in-between the sugar coated lines. I agree it's the way you say it / tone you use.

Had I been told this as an adolescent... Thanks for the lesson!!

Great explanation with helpful ramifications - I like (but cannot always live up to ) the Buddhist: ' Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary ?'

It depends on the person, we have to be grounded or feelings we don't have to be straight forward well its depends on the situations. What i mean we dont have to be blunt brutally honest we have to think or to be grounded.Thank you so much God Greatly bless you.

He is absolutely right!!! I listen to the person he mentioned, you can’t be brutally honest… it cost me my position of 26 years of teaching I was involuntary transfer to another school!!!

It's a balance act between maintaining your bridges and being honest!

Great video!

Great advice.

I wish I have learned this many years ago. To be honest I got into a lot of trouble because of my bluntness. Thank you for this video sir. This is very helpful.

at times our partner or whom we are talking with tells us to be completely honest with them and wants us to be 100% direct saying that they will handle the truth but we know they won't be able to and they will hurt themselves in the short or long term having this direct speech. At those times do you think we should be completely direct and blunt because they deserve that and they take that responsibility and when they do take that responsibility it is their right to have that and not our concern. Or because we know the outcome we still have responsibility and we should still be tactfull about such a destructive conversation.

Honesty occurs when you either care about someone or (BRUTAL)you don't care what someone thinks or feels. People choose who they're brutally honest with. It's a power position and it depends on hierarchy. Look at how so many job supervisors, "bosses", treat and speak to employees., or a teacher explaining something to a student. Krauthammer was a bit much at times and I would never follow his advice on brutal honesty. Social media has opened the floodgates of brutal honesty and has led a lot of people to look foolish. I like what you said. Diplomacy. Tact and choosing the right words. It's a lost art.

Thank you so much

Great topic. I can't decide if I agree or not. Anecdotally: I am very honest, about myself, my life and how I see others. Through my life people have told me that they used to not like me because of my honesty, but once they matured they saw it differently. I've also been asked advice numerous times because, "I know you'll tell me the truth." Maybe the difference is being honest blithely vs. purposefully. Personally I would choose to hurt someone's feelings if I knew, in the long run, that it would increase their awareness, perspective and eventually, their quality of their life.

I think people should learn that honesty should be received with the understanding that the person has loving intentions.

I totally agree!!

I found out I was #ActuallyAutistic in my mid 50s. I also have a very high IQ, something that masked my autism from normal people my entire life. Despite my intellectual and creative gifts, I've never achieved lasting career or social success, and now live on a fixed income that places me near the poverty line. This despite finishing at the top of my class at university and going on to become both a lisenced architect and a college professor. Social skills matter more than any other single attribute. Autism brought me many talents and gifts. It's also blinded me to many subtle but massively important social cues and conventions that 98% of humans operate with. This means I'm percieved as blunt and not empathetic in social settings. Combined with my encyclopedic knowledge and a gift / curse for verbosity and pedantry, I'm usually seen as intimidating, rude, or callous, when really, I'm just enthusiastic and despise error. I also don't recognize dominance hierarchies or play the sort of indirect verbal games needed to navigate within them. I know they exist, but the map is not the territory. Not knowing I had autism and thus was socially blind, I became frustrated and cynical about social dynamics and workplace politics. I decided the real secret to success in such settings was kissing up and punching down. Competence and insight and knowledge and dedication were beside the point. While this is certainly true to some extent, it was a case of sour grapes for me, until I came to understand my nuerology fully, and how alien and off-putting my way of interacting with typical people in typical social settings must be to them. What's needed for longer term success is the acceptance and support of people in mid-sized social groups of 10 to 20 people. People you work with or play with or socialize with. This is extremely difficult for nuerodiverse people with social cue blinness like me. Try as I might, I'm unable to track in such settings, and inevitably crash and burn despite my best efforts and intentions. I haven't given up - but I recognize my limitations, and try to make others aware of them. If you're nuerotypical, you might not have genius level IQ, but don't worry - you've got something far more important - basic social skills. Develop and use them properly, and you'll be more successful and happy than most people like me. Politeness matters more than intellegence.

Many start what they’re about to say with ‘to be honest / frank’ to unburden themselves of tact. In their laziness with choosing their words wisely , they expect that saying ‘to be honest’ somehow magically shields the object of their ‘honesty’ against the sting of bluntness.

Totally correct your advice 😀

I was told by a Real Estate Broker (I was a relatively new agent) that I was too nice, and that a lot of people liked me, but that I didn't know very much. When I told my grown children what he said they laughed and said he didn't know me very well!

It sounds like some people who object to your stance here are missing the fact that you said (in your example of the cancer diagnosis) that a person can be *completely honest* while not doing so in a way that disregards a person's feelings or insecurities. It is not a dichotomy of "pure honesty one one hand, and lying on the other hand". One does not have to be dishonest to present a truth tactfully; they can ease someone into the difficult information they need to have. I do think that there are times when someone may need to be "shocked" with brutal honesty in order for them to take needed action, (like if their state of denial is preventing them from taking urgent action on a health crisis, or if they are harming someone else and need to be stopped as soon as possible) but most everyday situations are better served in the way you recommend, I think. Each situation needs to be read individually; just as someone may disregard some important information because it was presented gently, someone else may also shut down and give up if the truth is presented too bluntly and harshly. Evaluation of the person and scenario is required. Firm, but tactful truth seems to me as usually the best approach, despite the fact that I acknowledge exceptions.

There is another extreme. It may not be very social to blurt out the truth directly, but there are some people who skirt around the issue so much that it takes hours for a person to understand what it's really about, if they can at all. If I have to choose between the danger of being misunderstood or what I want to say and someone's feelings, I would always choose clarity.

Super helpful 😅 thanks!!

I always use this example about honesty. If I want to talk to someone later due to being busy or a headache or whatever the case may be, there are two ways that are both honest. I can say "hey, sorry to interrupt you but could we talk later" or "hey, stfu. I don't want to talk to you". Being honest doesn't mean to be rude

Great video

Yes, I've seen this unfortunate behavior. They see someone they admire, and copy their behavior. It's very important to practice critical thinking regardless of anyone else.

Thank you for the video. This is my life everyday and I hate speaking my mind. Please tell us what is Tact? And how to mot to be too honest! I have freaked out so many people and thats needs to stop ! trust me and I really need help.

It depends on the situation and what has happened.... Being unapologetically brutally honest is at times absolutely OK

The answer in sort to the initial question in my opinion is, it all depends on the situation.

My appreciation💙✨ In my view, one can be honest and clarify that what he is saying is only his own perception , his own view at the moment and not preteding to be the truth ( to do that one has to have all the facts...is this possible?..and things are changing too..)

Please talk about the subject of giving people, honest feedback, or complements regularly . I try to do just that as it is appropriate yet I feel as if this is not a truly common practice in the US.

I was told (here in the states) that I was the kind of person who "spoke her mind" and that had me thinking. This way is not unusual in other countries, we tell our friends when, let's say a shirt doesn't look good on them, or we tell them exactly what we think if they ask. But, I changed this because it doesn't seem correct here. However I feel that the way people interact and communicate then is so false, and nobody ever tells you what they really think for fear of not being liked afterwards and not because they fear hunting you. Every time now someone asks my opinion on something I have to bite my tongue even if my advice could be useful... especially if requested, now I'm never sure if people really want to know, just in case I respond with some platitudes that are so commonly used. I noticed that there's a lot of false praise and shielding happening continuously. Anyway, for me it's a cultural difference that I learned to modify, but it's much more difficult for me to trust people and make friends knowing that everyone here does this around the bush thing