Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Developing an emotional virtue (patience, compassion, forgiveness) is not much different from strengthening a physical muscle. You have to put in the reps with some degree of intentionality. The main difference between the two practices is -- while you go to the physical gym -- the emotional gym comes to you. You do not get to decide when you're in the emotional gym. You only get to choose whether to exercise while you're there. Through this lens, the frustrations, disappointments, and betrayals in your life become the weights you lift to build emotional strength and resilience. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ru-vid.com/show-UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode #growth #psychology #redpill
As a man with high agreeableness; my emotional gym lessons are almost exclusively in reverse. I have to learn to be okay with causing others pain by defending my own boundaries better. Patience, sacrifice, tolerance and long-suffering were too easy for me, and I falsely believed that just setting a good example would have payoffs.
I have the same challenge. I am currently wrestling with balancing being assertive/formidable/scary with being angry or just plain rude. My tendancy is to back down, and need to learn to keep standing my ground. I am going to make mistakes, but I need to learn from them and keep moving forward without retreat.
Peace and Hope Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because WE KNOW THAT SUFFERING PRODUCES PERSEVERANCE; PERSEVERANCE, CHARACTER; AND CHARACTER, HOPE. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5 (New International Version) I wish you and all other viewers all the STRENGH to PERSEVERE, to GROW CHARACTER, and to HOPE.
Be an active participant! Too many, myself included, need this advice. Too many never actively participate in strengthening their own mental health and virtues. I hope those seeing this video flip the switch when the gym arrives and get to work. The positive effects on society will be enormous.
When I was 14 I witnessed part of the beating my father gave my mom which killed her. Before leaving for prison my father came to say goodbye to us kids. I was the oldest of 6. I stood in my uncle's kitchen filled with so much hate fo my father I was shaking. Then I felt someone touch my head and heard in my mind "do not judge him, God will do that, he is the only parent you have left and you love him". In seconds I felt all the hate flow down and out of my body . I went to my dad and hugged him. I said "I love him, I forgive him and hurry back to us kids". I know this was divine help. My dad was releas3d from prison and came and got us 14 months later. Forgiveness is for self.
Man this channel is something else the sheer practicality and overwhelming level of insight So many years whenever I searched for answers people would just give me "feel good" abstract answers Example: being indiscipline or failing in class.. Their answer : just be disciplined and stop failing.. get your life together... SMH what do you do with that I guess it's enough for others but it wasn't for me
These days I find so much on RU-vid is rubbish, however when I see a video from you, I know it's going to be worth watching. Thanks for sharing your experiences and expertise. 😀
I told my coops to reframe all things bothering them as “Character Building”. I just had some unpleasant experiences in the past week. As a result of going through it as an opportunity, I am better off in so many ways and grew much more self appreciation.
I have done Pastoral Counseling for a while, which is a sort of spiritual form of talk therapy, based in scripture, and I often tell people: "The Lord doesn't just send you traits and abilities that are alien to you, that would subvert your own free will. You made choices to be the way you are. When you ask for a kind of strength, he sends you the struggle that will build that strength in you. When you get it, it's because it's become _intrinsic_ to you, it's the product of _your_ experience, it's the outcome of your decision-making and your effort. It's like the paycheck you earn vs the gift you receive. Only one has improved you as a person.
i could feel this in the past few months with my efforts to attend to my 94 year old father, through his health and home challenges. My fears, my stress, my intensity. Day after day. And through it I could feel myself grow.
This video brings an additional sense of hope, because everytime I feel emotional turmoil, I now remember that it's gym time - and this flips the situation into a positive and strengthening activity.
I work customer service in a tech support call center so I am presented with many emotional gym opportunities that I didn't even know existed. Thank you!
Tried something like this a few weeks ago - except intentionally. Every time an emotion or it’s reaction surfaced, I would consciously feel, accept and explore its range throughout the body for minutes. I wouldn’t dwell on the thought that caused it but only the feeling it made inside the body, until it eased or vanished, which could take up to a minute or so. It was an amateur attempt to get the body to “process” the shitty emotions of a breakdown so my mind would be able to stop uselessly recycling them. A little dangerous as it turned out because it tripped me into a flat depression for a week where there was no joy in anything. However, after that week I went ‘fuck this’ and got busy. Spent two weeks painting and fixing the house and ploughed through a two page list of things that needed doing and bloody well done ‘em. Depression lifted by the end of day one and continues to improve. Even found the strength to to ask the questions I needed answered to move on and be satisfied enough to not bring them up again (which solution was in a previous PsycHack video so I thank you for suggestion… it is proving most beneficial)
You've got great results from that amateur attempts, it looks like! So, you wanted to get your body to "process" shitty emotions. If you don't mind me asking what were these shitty emotions?
That video was so on point. I'm naturally introverted and sometimes struggle with social anxiety, not so long ago I've decided to dedicate a full week every months to working on my social skills, meaning going out a lot, initiating conversations with people etc. However, a lot of the opportunities to practice keeps happening at random occurrences. I kept making interesting encounters outside of the time frame I decided, at these moments I allowed my introverted self to win thinking this is not "the week". But then when the week comes, I don't make the same type of encounters, the weather is horrible when the previous week it was all sunny and everyone was out or I simply fall sick. I was just starting to realize that I can't always control when there's gonna be an opportunity to work on my personality.
As a fellow introvert, I can relate. Do you think the past few years it has been made worse? I noticed ever since the coofid "lockdowns and restrictions" of 2020 my social life and just sociality in general has taken a bit hit and it seems like something has been lost and will never return.
@@the_eerie_faerie_tales The same actually happened to extrovert people. Social skills are like a muscle, the more you use them, the better and more comfortable you become. However, you loose these skills if you don't practice and it takes time to regain them. It's like lifting up a heavy weight after not been to the gym for a year, at first you might not be able to pick up the same weight as you did before but after a few more sessions, you'll get it back.
@@hikari9433 it's because of where I live... in the middle of nowhere lol. should be changing soon though and may be better but I will always need ample alone time.
@@the_eerie_faerie_tales I'm an introvert, and have been my entire life. There is nothing wrong with being introverted. Social anxiety is a problem, though. I had anxiety when I was young, but over time it has disappeared to a degree that it is almost nonexistent. This is how I did it: First, take as much pressure off yourself as you can manage. After all, social awkwardness never killed anybody. It won't kill you. Second, you will make mistakes. Don't sweat it. Let it be water off a duck's back. You have a plan. I wanted to learn to play tennis and guitar. These are activities that bring you into contact with other people and give you something to talk about that's nontrivial. Mostly, I did these activities with guys, but they had girlfriends and wives, which helps you branch out. Of course I met people on jobs, but my hobbies were the main source of my socializing. Some of my tennis playing buddies were very extroverted, and I could observe how they handled things, which was helpful. In time, introversion became a non-issue except for one thing: I really don't have a great need to spend a lot of time with other people. I spend a great deal of my time just doing things I like to do. Introversion does have its benefits. You could fix your introversion problem, if you used an approach similar to the one I used. In conclusion, don't set aside time to "fix your problem. Instead, build an interesting life and just live it, all the while developing your social skills as you go along.
@@guitarista666 I'm not shy.. I'm introverted meaning being around people (and noise) is draining. I still went out some but only handful of times over past few years because of where I live.. isolated.. but moving soon. Still, the whole c19 "emergency" ruined social things.
I love this. I'm a faithful practicing Catholic and I see going to the gym as body mortification, I am putting my flesh to the test by then also working on the virtue of self control, discipline and patience. In turn, this will trickle down in other areas of my life too
This is talking my language as a Catholic trying to grow in virtues. Great analogy and I am incorporating this concept to the best of my abilities until I forget tomorrow and remind myself all over again in a week or two. Thank you for this helpful tool. ❤️
Ditto. The last 2-3 years have kicked me around quite a bit. Between a couple of moves, becoming mostly a caretaker form my wife, job hunting with a new degree, and that thing called COVID, it has left me with a bruised and bitter psyche and a sour heart. I am in a better place in all accounts of my life compared to before, but I'm having a hard time "letting go and letting God" like the good Catholic I know I can be. I wonder how one can better recognize the weights placed in front of him or her and then know how to best use them. I just know that under the sour, angry, and bitter there is a steady amount of joy and gratitude I could be sharing instead.
Thanks for saying this. I’ve been tempted so many times to point out all the Catholic virtues he teaches. Because they have been part of Catholic teaching for over over two thousand years we have come to see them almost as too obvious. But clearly they are not.
Many of your videos have become my emotional gym. It's unbelievable how much I have gotten from your content. It's like mental/emotional/existential platinum. Thank you!
This is great. In the past year and a half I've undertaken the goal to become my best self. I've pushed myself emotionally compared to other times where I took the easy road. But it has been HARD. Many tears, much frustration and a lot of self reflection. Without knowing I started going to the emotional gym. Example: I was with a girl I am very attracted to. Things got hot and heavy, I made a move and she stopped me. She said she was on her period. Past me would have gotten offended or taken it personally. How dare she lead me on knowing she can't give me what I want? I noticed I remained calm and accepted that I was not entitled to it, so I was totally fine with her response. And that was that. It might not be a big deal, but to me it was. I guess you could say that was a sign that the emotional gym is paying off. Thanks so much for making me understand this!
Helpful, genuine and concise. One thing I would say is that you can also intentionally put yourself in situations that can flex your "emotional muscles".
What's really insightful here is your suggestion to identify and build up the virtue in every trying situation. That's a great way of reframing any negative event or experience that usually ends up with us blaming ourselves or someone else or just being overcome with anger, guilt or anxiety.
Doc you are a life saver. You really got me with "We have to be active participants in our own salvation". That was really a wake up call. Never would I have thought of the emotional gym. Once you explain it, I had my aha moment. Thank you and I appreciate all you do. Peace.
This approach is really interesting. I didn't really have a name for it but I used to practice that and perceived that whatever struggles we face are basically tests for us and that is necessary for us to perceive consciously either the progress or the need for even more knowledge to be applied/practiced.
I was at the gym. Standing off to the side waiting for a machine. These 2 girls walked in. I noticed them. If they are interested they will make themselves available for me to approach. That happened. I once again didn’t act, but as soon as the piece of equipment became free I was on it. I have passed up these moments my whole life and it’s no wonder I’m still so weak in this area. I have been skipping game day 🤦
You have to be ok screwing the next 10-15 up as one can have abit of anxiety come up, but fuck up enough and it’s gone. You might benefit from learning more tactics at different points, but yeah, you get 5 seconds to approach, past that you failed! Self accountability def needed with intention so feel it and get it at the level of actually being that intent and go at it
@@michaelrobertson1736 i agree.they record it and spread it to all there friends. I have been there haha. No matter how much of an alpha beta sigma bs you are. YOU WILL BE TROLLED AT LEAST... WORST IS TOU KNOW WHAT.... You absolutely did good by listening to youe gut.
I must say, this is one of the actually more helpful videos I've got my hands on so far. Applying gym lingo and metaphors to emotional maturity seemed to click with me getting myself in check against stimuli for good and ultimately more peace of mind. Light weight babyyyy!
I failed to do what I knew in theory but not in practice. I understood the concept but not its expression. I missed the mark but even in failure I gained strength; for my intention is to return and make good of that opportunity again.
Awesome episode brother! You got me laughing and emotional here as in having an apiphany moment. Yeah, we ask, we receive, we just dont realize it. I am someone very temperamental, always have been, but I always asked God, "Oh God, please make me more patient, kind, tolerant" and as I watch your video, everything became clear to me. Thanks for saying outloud what we cant hear quietly.
An interesting thing happened with this video. Before I knew what you wanted us to hear, I began looking you in the eyes as you were speaking. This is one of my exercises. I was taught by my father that looking him in the eye was a challenge and so I learned to never look anyone in the eye. I wish to change that. Interesting that it was this video that I began to exercise that effort. I may practice with a few more of your videos but after that will need to be with people in person. Thank you, Doctor.
Another of how not to take things personally and be in complete control ! I would like to see suggestions on how to manage various emotions you spoke of
Smart click bait, Dr! Hahah I clicked for the literally going to the gym after an emotional issue type of content but stayed for your always delivered quality!
I have good regulation, and patience for most of the time. I'm pretty unforgiving though, and I expect high standards from people, lower than mine. That causes problems, as does my general disdain for people. I've had a problem with my conceit for decades, and it sometimes comes out as me being pretty nasty. Yes, I know I should be more forgiving, but... I see most people as a threat, not just to me but to wider society, in terms of their shallow, emotional reasoning that's based on fulfilling their hedonism above all else, and their communal narcissism. This is a major reason why I don't socialise, though when I'm around people for a short length of time, I find I can charm them quite easily and build a good rapport. But doing this with a large group gets tiring and I prefer to be around only a few and for a short period.
I watched this episode today and finally got to experience the emotional gym for what it was, and I took some reps. I'm watching the 4th episode of Shogun, which is fantastic btw, and I randomly go to thinking about my soon to be ex wife, and I relived our wedding vows. Its pretty easy, it was only 4.5 months ago. Anyways, that shit triggered me hard, the pain hit and it felt almost like taking a hit of nitrous I ramped up so quickly at the pain, at the injustice at the lies and the.......I love you. .breath. I love you. And I just kept breathing, and just feeling that love, and letting it go. It helped. Then, I found this video and made this post. Thanks man.
Been watching a lot of your videos lately Doc. This one got me to hit the subscribe button. Thanks for this. I'm in the emotional gym now, I'm working on the forgiveness muscle. The gym came to me. I'm in a ton of pain, but I'm going to work through it one way or the other.
I have a question. Why do you think you need to forgive? Has someone asked for forgiveness? If not, there is another option. You can just let it all go by. This may be easier emotionally for you. You don't have to forgive everybody who has harmed you. You can just let it pass instead and move on.
I think the system is sound, but I'd rather apply it to working on my personality (and indeed have developed similar exercise-like systems for it). As for emotions, then at least as far as men are concerned, I think that emotional discipline, that is having control over own emotions, is a simpler and more universal method that offers similar results.
The best video so far. Interesting note, all of the philosophers who taught how do be better people (and not all of them did) taught the importance of controlling emotions.
Look... using every bump in the road as an opportunity to add more sucess to your belt.. it's about taking as much advantage of challenges life presents you naturally.. one caveat is don't take on every challenge. Most you just go around. Pick and choose.. but certainly don't see challenges as a constant drag...
It's really hard to learn emotional detachment, usually you do so by enduring pain. Your videos are like seeing a light toward where to swim in order to reach the surface faster and with (hopefully) less pain. Thanks a lot.
What I’m taking away from this: Your emotional strength is real, and can be trained like a muscle. This muscle is trained by real life experiences that push out of our comfort zone, causing pain. That pain is good, and is an opportunity to practice growing our strength (Catholic man example) Practice training this muscle, and I will grow emotionally stronger. Did I leave anything out!?! Great video btw!
