The Icky Feeling When Someone is Limerent on YOU 

Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Im never going to approach a woman, knowing all it would cause is her icking.

I agree with this. It's always a man chasing a woman too. I'm beyond sick of this trope. It's fueling male entitlement.

After three years of getting over my husband, we finally met and talked out and then he told me he always liked me and now we are married with kids and I am so confused 😂 Sometimes it really happen, but you must go on with your life! I was pretty over him when he finally came around 😂

@@lunarm0th690 It makes men look like pests who won't take no for an answer.

Limerence is also downright dangerous if the one being chased is avoidantly attached. They might like you back but still feel smothered and run away because it puts huge pressure on them.

How is it fueling "male entitlement" ​@@lunarm0th690

Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

it makes sense, deprivation of any kind retunes the associated senses into hypersensitivity to what is missing... and eventually, if its absence grows chronic, into something almost hallucinatory (not in a fun way)

@emw8386 yes, heartbreaking 💔

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

Super interesting...bc I've thought about being kind and understanding but also have difficulty expressing my boundaries without guilt. I get gut feelings but it takes talking with friends that helps me identify if these gut feelings come from my own anxiety or are truly based on specific interactions with the person in question. Usually, it's the latter.

Sometimes if it’s a coworker then you don’t have any other choice but to be cordial and kind. When I was 30 a 20 year old guy that I worked with decided that I was the object of his desire. I didn’t realize this until he had already arranged a group outing of coworkers after work, and then made sure everyone else left early, and then walked me home. I tried to let him down kindly but very very clearly, “You’re great, but I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with you.” He apparently took that as a compliment, and it made him feel hope. When I started dating someone I was actually interested in at that same job, this kid flipped out on me claiming I led him on. I don’t feel like I led him on. I didn’t go to lunch with him or do or say anything that was encouraging him to continue to pursue me. The one big thing I learned was not to date anyone I worked with ever again. But where does one meet people, except at work or online? Life is hard when you’re not great at relationships and complicated personal relationships.

​@@Bingewatchingmediacontentsounds to me likevyiure just a 304

100% this!! you know, when I used to talk about this guy I liked, my therapist at first thought it was limerence.. but then I realized that I wasn't. and that this person was in fact doing things to make me think he was into me. and when I shared all those things later on with my therapist.. she realized that it wasn't limerence. but I was however deeply attached to him. (i found out much later, that I'm autistic and I think this is common for us). Anyway, my point is.. more than once, I told him and tried to create distance because I told him we can't be friends because I liked him too much was reading into everything too much. But then he would always come back.. and do things.. like hold onto my hand, put his arm around me... and all these other things. So, Ya. He 100% was being unkind in this situation.

Are you a guy

Can you explain better??? thanks

I was limerent on this guy in college (the sad bit is my limerent object was my fiance) and once we were no-contact it actually became super clear that the limerence was fueled by him breadcrumbing me so he'd always have a rebound option if whatever girl didn't work out

Every time I was going to leave him, he'd ask me out again. Then the very moment I felt secure in our relationship he'd find someone else

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. If you're interested try Anna's course called "Dating and Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD": bit.ly/3IBbrv7 Nika@TeamFairy

Maggie

Good for you. But you do come across as extremely unsympathetic and inconsiderate in how you contributed to the situation.

We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

I'm learning that if a person has had a lot of painful childhood experiences, that disappointment and hurt can be considered the status quo. We are just more used to it then feeling hopeful and victorious. I think limerence is like a fantasy and a real relationship is hard work. It takes a healthy, more resilient ego to be in a real relationship where the hard knocks of daily life don't throw us way off course or destroy us. I sound like I'm objective, but nope, I've been there and I'm gladly learning to be healthier and more resilient.

I think being more interested and invested in ourselves from the get go, dissolves other people's importance in our lives and people come and go anyway but we stay with ourselves, its better to be more invested in ourselves if we want to be happy . Plus everybody has different skills and talents and beauty in them, we should rather try honing them . Life is just a theatre or like a game

@@MissPomegranate_kaleidoscopeyes yes yes

I feel you

We understand as few others can and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Every single “relationship” I was involved with in my teens and twenties was either me being limerent, or someone else being limerent towards me. I thought I was a stalker who then, in turn, attracted stalkers. I’m so glad to have learned this term, limerent, as it brings it all into focus and allows me to understand that my neglectful childhood experiences caused me to not be able to understand healthy attraction and love. I was just so desperate to be loved. It always was so confusing that I couldn’t force myself to fall in love with these people who were desperate for me.

Felt the same watching.

❤️

@@lufvalente ❤️

yep same here

I’ve had it a couple of times. It ducks

It must have been so terrible for you. God bless.

It happened to me too, 4 years down the drain.. and she had the audacity to ask me to pay her back for a few things she recently bought, after letting her live with me free of any expenses of food, rent, or basically anything for three years, i just think about it years of supporting her and her habits and making excuses for her "quirks" just so she could stay up till 3-4am talking to other people and deleting the chats while i slept next to her.

Same. I married that person. 4 years divorced now. Thankful to have escaped.

It happened to me with my husband of 16 years and I’m trapped with a narcissist. I want an escape out of it now and I find myself longing for love (even making up love w/someone that doesn’t exist), but not wanting to cheat.

Right? With the whole “dont giveup on love” mantra, ugh

I am now joining the "no-love club" instead 😅

@@somethingbambi875 I'm over 15 years single and I recommend it.

Agreed -- that's why I don't believe everything I read or see on TV. :)

It's better to give up. Nobody is worthy of trust and love.

Herr

Oh my god. I think I just suffered ego death because of this comment but it was one I needed to feel.

So true. It decimates me everytime. Dealt with it at least 4 times as an adult.

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Honestly, it may feel that right now but in the long run, I don't think being a hermit will be very beneficial for your growth as a human being who deserves to live a beautifully fruitful life 🗿

😂😂😂 it feels that way! But I need human connection and I feel that a huge problem with society

This is me but it also hurts because I hear how normal people converse and for me it’s such a drag to have small talk or even make friends now. I’ve become used to being alone now

​@@dixienormous6969I'm not 100% sure, but I think it's kind of a joke about how liking anyone / wanting to be liked is now "limerence" and "needy" and "dependent" or whatever. It's "trauma-bonding". There's kind of a trend where we're all supposed to be hyper-individualists, all supposed to be totally self-sufficient islands who don't need others. We can kind of want others in our lives, but not too much, we can't "need" others as if we were a social species. So yeah, it's sarcasm, if there are supposedly a million "wrong" reasons to want to be with others, we might as well just all become hermits, since it seems it's the only way to not be judged and shamed.

@@Hubcool367bro THANK YOU, it seems as though people don’t like relationships or close bonds because of whatever reason whether that be fear, media, influence from society etc I don’t understand how or why these people would get into relationships because basically all the tenants that allow you to be close are considered wrong or toxic? Then people wonder why the majority of society is lonely and single. I don’t think there IS a way to have a healthy relationship in 2024 from these people’s perspectives

I feel you- The fact that limerance often happens when there is no love, we can FEEL that they don't really like us- but they say the opposite. It gets so confusing. They just don't seem to realise that it is not love that they feel. Anyone in their right mind would try to run away. It also leads the person of limerance (whom it is projected upon) to feel unloved because of the irony in their words and actions. As if we're trying to grab a squirrel where it hurts and telling it "I'm just gonna give you some nuts and water at my house, I love you. See!" When we really plan to trap them in with food and water.

It is a tough experience for sure. But it is possible to overcome! In the same way people get clean/sober everyday, limerants, too, can learn to be in relationships that are balanced and healthy. It can be BORING as heck at first, but it is worth the effort!

Wisner

I don't think it comes from pick-up artists. I've been there too before. Not many people were talking to me throughout my life, and for females among them, they commonly became my best friends and I developed feelings multiple times. It wasn't until last year that I learned what was up with that -- it comes from a place of starvation. This society is great at telling everyone that they deserve the world or they should have a partner or other things by X age or whatever, but whenever that is threatened, it will do things to people. Can't prevent it, can just be honest about it. To get back to you, if you do really like him as a friend, be honest with everything and maybe try to help him a little on the quest to finding someone else. Something that is really hard to understand from rejection (especially when knowing only rejection) is that it's usually not about the one who gets rejected, but more about the one who does the rejecting.

@@Dreykopff but I would say that men are far worse at this than women, so it can't really be about "starvation". Just as many women have been starved of attention, love, and affection as men, but it's rare for a woman to instantly think that simply talking to a man means "relationship!" - however, men often think this. Therefore it's primarily an issue relating to men.

It doesn't come to pickup artists most women are usually only nice to men they're interested in it's like simp men are nice hoping to get laid. Unless it's a woman I can't avoid seeing regularly through a job or neighbourhood acquaintance I assume sexual interest to some degree nowadays

Men's expectations are often so ridiculous these days. I had a few short conversations with a guy via text and he then asked if he can come join me when I shower. Sure complete stranger who I've never even met come on over and get naked with me! WTF?! I about fell over. Where does this come from? Are there really women out there that give in to this crap?!

I am in my 50s. I believe a lot of this problem comes from men who never had a mother who talked with them about women, for starters. Then there's all the availability of instant gratification that didn't exist before the Internet. Yes I'm talking about free porn. I've talked to men who have said things just in conversation that sounded like something from porn. I'm not going to repeat it. Yes I've watched enough of it in the past to know plenty and to understand the philosophy in most of it. There's definitely been a crazy uptick in men thinking you are down for sex just because you had a conversation. I can totally identify with the text where the guy asks to join you in the shower. It's insulting. I'm not sure when it happened but somewhere in recent history parents just decided to not educate their kids about how the world works and apparently left it up to the public schools. Thanks a lot folks. My advice is just be straight up and tell them right away, "I'm not asking you out/calling you/visiting/etc for sex. I'm interested in getting to know you/friendship first/ speak the truth and if it doesn't work then they're not worth your time. Move on and make room for someone better. Wonderful video!!!

Truth

I know I told you just last night, that I jumped in to help you regain your self confidence when YOU were three thousand miles away and YOU called twice a day everyday for over a year. I did have to fight off my own losses after a disabling cancer treatment, and financial security and passion of a very successful career. My self confidence was lost, until after being trained as a Cancer Patient Navigator, I was very inspired to go back to school and study Human Services. Still coaching you to recognize your accomplishments and skills, my own losses were very close to the surface, and the loss of my eldest sister, whom I'd been a primary caregiver for shook my foundations again. Twenty years of sobriety saved me, no doubt, but I again was lost to find some inspirstion Music has always been part of my life, so when an opportunity to play perform two nights a week at s winery was a dream come true. For seven years after Head and Neck cancer treatment, the radiation scar tissue parrrlized the right side of my larynx. One night while singing a long known song, I could not hit pitch. It terrified me as it got worse as my two hour set went on. The next day I called my doctor who had a cancellation and could see me. When he looked at my throat he said , casually, we've been waiting for this. It's a common side effect from the radiation, that developed after six years. It was worse than hearing my original diagnosis, and angered me because it was known, but I was never told of it. For a second and now third time, a potential income and joy was lost. Again my self esteem and confidence was devastated. As I couseled you back I fought off those same emotions....again. The only grace was seeing you return to the confident woman I had met, and called me to tell me of the crush you had on me. We shared three years as very close friends till you came for dinner and told me you were moving back east to start a business with a highschool girlfriend. You stayed with me for six weeks, sleeping together but never having sex. I accepted that as maturity and possibilty of really getting to know each other. Then watching you blossumimg after many tearful conversations, I remember boldly telling you that the intimacy of our conversations had swept me off my feet. I confesed I had fallen in love with you. This was after you had been calling for over a year and a half. I intuitively recognized that things were changing in our rapport and conversations. Then very suddenly without warning you ghosted me. I did not even know the term. I had always ended relationships with conversations. Not easy, but providing closure. This caught me totally off guard. Worse, you became very resentful posting on Tictoc and other social media, hurtful videos. I shut you out as best I could. Then a year ago I started receiving anonomous messages about guilt and shame you felt. Finally I poetic love note that I could always find your love in the stars. Now you send these podcasts, that I do appreciate, and applaud you self care. But just last night I asked that you stop sending me mail such as memories of Roy Rodgers, who only you knew was my childhood hero. Then Rambling Jack Elliot who was the last to tour with Woody Guthrie, and teach Bob Dylan how to be Bob Dylan. Who I met as Uncle Jack, a dear family friend of my ex wife. Yes several holidays were spent with Jack and I performing for those family and friends. One video was of a set he played in New York. I had played every song in that set in my gigs for many years and still do. These fond gestures become painful triggers for my boldly expressed love. Are you feeling some affection now, or are you pointing out limerance. I don't call my admission of love limerance. And after hearing Ecart Tole talk you express appreciation that I was the only man that showed depth in my love, truth honesty and respect. But I remain ghosted. You can write me, but I can not reply. You can play friend, but I'm not invited. You can tell me of your twin flame heartbreak, and leave me wondering.... what? What did I do to deserve this. I still hold a deep love for you and you admit that you can't fulfill my needs. How could you know? But I accept your honest expression. In this podcast I can hear the point. I said it last night after some interaction. Please stop sending me these lessons you are working on. I have been there and done that and all they do is trigger my love all over. I still strongly suggest a twelve step program. But that Comes from 32 years. It is more than difficult for me to express this but it is the only way to really move on. Either open the door so we can share as friends equally, or STOP . I can't tell you how much I am stirred to seek your reciprocation. I am almost willing to try your twin flame manipulation.....but no I won't go there. So as I said last night SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT FISH OR CUT BAIT. Please respect my emotional impact from this. I can and will move on...if I must. But I can also be respectful enough not to drive emotional spikes into your heart If you open the door to equal boundaries I will play. If not. I guess I will have to stop using a smart phone or computer. I just can't have my heart tossed around like this. This is not what I want but if you want to hide and hurt, I quit. I am man, and yes men are emotional also. There are very valid reasons for my love. Just as there might be valid reasons for your denial to me. Let's be kind. Open the door, or leave me alone.

I wish I had no idea what you are talking about.

Same but I ended it quickly and the one I had limerence with waited for months. I did loose a lot of weight which slingshot me into doing sports. Use the energy limerence gives you. I was constantly hyper.

💖💖💖

Facts 💯

100% true! That is my experience as well. Lately, I started dating a guy a few times, and eventually realize he was too immature for me and told him I wanted to stop seeing him. I tried to be very gentle because he is quite vulnerable right now, coming from a disfunctional family and still needing to learn and work through many things etc, but that didn't helped. He didn't took the news well at all. He had a crazy and very manipulative reaction, that went from simulating a panic attack, being verbally aggressive toward me through many toxic emails, only to apologize shortly after and tell me he was sorry, that he understood, and trying to show me how he is now different, etc. All that for 4 times we went out, and without a real relationship being established yet! (We shared one dreadful kiss and nothing else). So careful, people who are still toxic will show it to you when things don't go as they wish.

Yup, this is true.

Thank you for sharing this!

​@@giulias.5104 also what an excellent example of validating your opinion of him (that he was very immature), essentially shooting himself in the foot 😅

I feeeeeeeeeeeel you on this!!! Literally has been my life for the past year, I'm kind of confused on how it will end and how to move on.

@@kitkat615 well, i don't know how old you are, but for me it started with peri-menopause and the shifting hormones of that transition (began early-mid 40s for me, but can differ for everyone). Worth looking into if you are of that age (and female) - or perhaps it's a transitional stage for some other reason. Doing a lot of 'self-work' can also spark this need for change, which i guess you're doing too if you're on this channel 😊

Any tips? ❤

Oh man, I was/am limerent for a man 27 years older. 😅 Children, morals, religion, politics, age... you name it, I know we are soooo incompatible. And like the video, the HOPE of being loved. I really feel like he truly sees me and if only he loved me.... I am working on it by trying to take thoughts of him and put them aside. Train my brain to think of other things, focus in the people actively showing up in my life-- to view memories as in the past only and shine a harsh light of reality. I had contacted him regularly, then too much, but I was the one to break it off. I didn't like feeling pathetic or that my love was something to be ashamed of. He enjoyed the attention, but only to a point. A big perspective this time around is that I cannot earn his love. There is no gift, no text message, no conversation, etc that will be the one to finally convince him to love me. I have been trying to earn love my whole life. I can't anymore.

You basically avoid a person if you become the limerent object. This has happened to me a few times me being the limerant and those friendships were not only false but they were extremely insecure, harsh people. If you don’t love yourself first, you can seriously turn into kinda of a piece of 💩

Beware the accusations and anger. record

Using the age gap as a reason doesn’t work, as clearly she already knew your age and it probably doesn’t bother her ( could even be attractive 😅). What is more likely to work is saying that you are not interested, and you just see her as a friend.

I think it will be safe for both people

@@vishnujallim3760 what do you mean?

@@xochitlespino when you cut it off completely , the other person will also be able to know how you feel about him and will also help him in return to go look for someone else who is actually interested in him..not false hope...

​@@vishnujallim3760 not always, I've been ignoring a guy for over 2 years and since I can't block his number I'm still getting daily texts about how they've never felt this way about anyone before

Hi beautiful

Agreed, the labels add to the trauma, and make it easy for others to create new scapegoats, which just repeats the cycle. We need to learn to be compassionate, when creating boundaries. Hard to achieve both, but labels are the easy way out.

Yes always be kind .I have been there and last time when it happened I was adult and it hurt me soo much .Never tell them they don't like you .Or he she is not interested not in to you so on.

Perhaps co dependence

"Was Romeo romantic?" Bub, Romeo killed himself at 17 years old. Whatever he was, it was a terminal case and we can only pray it wasn't contagious. Guinevere was burned at the stake, Lancelot destroyed a kingdom. Captain Ahab endangered his crew and then died. Romantic or no, these things have consequences, and when you put the book down you're supposed to go out into your life and remember that there's a whole library full of reasons not to do those things

"Everyone's a little ADHD" moment right here lmao

@@rainpooper7088 Well seeing as the standard for diagnosing ADHD is ridiculously low, yeah maybe.

Are you single

Yes! I'd like for her to do a whole video on this subject. I don't support my partner to be friends w/exes.

This is part of the reason people with Complex-PTSD struggle with relationships - a lot are still entangled with their abusive parents, being servants to them, or feeling incredibly guilty for trying to be happy in life - definitely not "available".

@@charlottetaylor4471Good point. As a scapegoat (CPTSD for sure), my job has been to be invisible yet overly-responsible, hyper-aware, and hyper-vigilant. Which I see actually made me not fully available (even though it seems contradictory because I was almost always around and paying attention). To be an adult scapegoat, it means I have had an inner parent who took over my abusive parents' job. I like that you linked that to emotional nonavailability. Helpful!

@@CrueFan72 I agree. Further, with people who don't have appropriate boundaries. For example, my ex's boss didn't have boundaries with my ex. My ex didn't seem to understand to have extra boundaries with someone like that (or more likely, didn't want to understand--which is one of the reasons this person is my ex).

what do you mean, what happened?

what happened

​@@Katherine-em4flI can't speak for OPs specific experience but I've been the limerence object for a guy who I'd been told by him, his friends, my friends, and my therapist that he was unstable, could become violent, and that as long as I was one of his favorite people he'd spare me

@@PrincessNinja007 wow this sounds really scary...

The first limerant I broke contact with went on to sexually harass every girl in school and then skipped town to avoid rape charges. 0

Currently in that situation. If the person hasn’t reached out to you or evinced any interest in you, take that as a sign to move on. I sent a lengthy text to my limerant object about three weeks ago, and she has yet to respond. It’s put me in a sad place for the past week, but I’m slowly growing to understand that there is nothing there, and I need to let go. I’ve been bed rotting and not eating for a week thinking about her, but yesterday I got up and showered and took myself out to dinner. I’ve reached out to other friends, and I’m looking for a good therapist to help me with this and other issues. And I don’t think I’m going to see her for awhile (if ever), and that’s a good thing. You can do it. This is possible. I see you, and I know you’re soon going to meet the right person for you.

@@norestrictions12I love this for you, you’ve got this!

@@norestrictions12 thank you for the encouragement. I'm in this limbo where my brain says "look, this is ridiculous, there's no chance in hell this could happen" but my heart stubbornly keeps hoping (sorry if this sounds cheesy; it definitely sounds cheesy in my head as I write it :P I just can't think of a better way to put it). I feel so stupid for feeling this way, that I haven't even told my therapist yet. I feel this holding me back in other aspects of my life, just because it takes up so much brain space. Frankly, I don't even mind if I never meet the right person, as long as I gain control over my life... And thanks for sharing, too! I'm happy to hear that you managed to turn over a new leaf. Many hugs and best wishes to you!

How do you date and set boundaries

Hmm 🤨

@@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE That's why I said 'can be' dangerous, not 'are' dangerous.

​@@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE "Not all us men" may be true, but you never know which man it will be. Think like a dog bite- not all dogs bite. Lots of them are friendly and adorable, and some don't even have teeth. But if you see a random dog for the first time you're going to assume it's violent and rabid until you know for sure otherwise. Because the consequences of trusting one wrong dog on one wrong day is death

His actions were preventing you from discovering the other person, then?

I did all of this to the last guy I was kind of seeing. I can't judge.

Yeah, Limerence is terrible for both people, often. The only time I have 0 sympathy for Lo is if the Lo is a narcissist or some other unsavory person that strings the Limerent along for ego boosts and other benefits.

@@marcusappelberg369 ❤️👌

Out of curiousity, is the new friend known to the other guy? Do they know each other.?

So true. Men in general are lazy and they do not like to do internal work. They'd rather you do all the work conforming to their ridiculousness

Hi Lorela😂

That’s awful! For some reason I thought your story was going have a happy ending. Hoping you find the love you deserve! 😢

Damn, I'm sorry you feel like this. The way you wrote this seems like the twisted art I love. Where not everything always works out, similar to my favorite movies. You didn't ask for advice so I won't give any, I simply appreciate your post

He treated you as you THOUGHT you deserved. In reality you deserve to be loved respected and cherished. Same as everyone :) Sending all the good vibes your way 🌈❤️💖✨

I have lived a lot of my life with these same feelings. I sympathize with you. You and your weird are worthy of love. I am also trying to love myself more so that I stop sabotaging potential relationships this way. My heart ❤️ goes out to you.

Looks like you are on the right YT channel. Here's the good news : it's 2024 and everybody's gotten kind of "weird". Being "different" is much valued on social media nowadays. Maybe you should start a YT channel. You will have a lot of competition though...

Chris 😮

I totally agree with it. I myself am a person who prioritizes having few meaningful connections over many superficial ones. Talking to someone once every two weeks can't build up a friendship. You can start doing that with people you have already known for years, but if you want to make a new friend you have to somehow compensate for all that time you didn't have together. I wouldn't even call someone who I talk to twice a week "a friend", it's just an acquaintance, not even a close one.

I have the same issue, being limerent on a colleague... so hard.

But stonewalling is still abusive and avoidant. It can also still hurt ppl unnecessarily. I just be upfront like hey I do not feel like we can be friends

Stone walling is abuse. It doesn't take that much to just have a mature conversation.

@@yellowishgreendragon.-. maybe, but on the other hand it’s hard to deny that some people just don’t understand “no”. Personally, I feel like no contact is a much better option then stonewalling, like the only time it would make sense to stonewall someone is if you both worked somewhere together, and they wouldn’t take the “no” you tried to give them. But also a person could just quit if that happened too. Idk man this stuff gets complicated

Clark Bowler😮

Lotti

@RS-nf8rw not just that, My dear: the Soul knows When the real one is approaching, and once that happened, then the imagination entered into play, and managed to spoil it all by anticipating such a terrific scenario 🤣🤣🤣🤣

These situations are always hard. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing what to do, but if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, talk to him first before you break contact.

Same hun. And it has also made me feel bad for them, but sometimes it is for the best

Mine still manages to get a hold of me..and still messages me but we were just friends. He’s so so toxic though and I already told him I wanted to end the friendship and he still doesn’t get it. He’s still passive aggressive asf when I don’t reply, he starts saying my family and bf are my only priority and that I’m not prioritizing our friendship .. like duh ..

I flushed over a decade of my life and did so much lasting damage by not being "cruel". Actually ended up being far more cruel over time by not making a clean break and letting us both get on with our lives. That situation was with a close friend who I had known since childhood, so it was difficult to make that break. There were other complexities that I won't go into, but in the end it was just a long and painful episode in both of our lives that would have been best averted by a clean break and zero contact.

That was the best thing for him and you. Hopefully he was able to realize that eventually

I'm married and opposite sex friendships need to take a step back for sure. My female friends respect my marriage a e even told me it wouldn't be cool to my wife if they kept seeking so much conversations with me because it would just be weird to be that invested in a taken man; friendship or not. And also that they had exes that called them controlling because they would see the amount of female attention their exes would reciprocate to the point of neglecting them with "they're just friends" excuse only to find out they were past flings, overly attached "friends" and exes.

Anna lists resources, including books she finds helpful on her webpage. You can find them here: crappychildhoodfairy.com/resources/ -Frida@TeamFairy

I guess until they are actually married there is still the "hope" tho. Like in movies where someone makes a play for another who is about to get married. It's a fantasy and still a possibility until the knot is actually tied. I imagine that is precisely why engagement triggers this sudden escalation in limerent behaviour...

Its easy said. Turning off feelings is not a choice. Cutting contact is the only way

​@@Fabyskan I don't know. I once had feelings for someone, but once i heard about the engagement, I just felt instant relief. Looking back, I think part of me didn't want all the work to even be with that person.

@@STak-ju7gx I wish. I tried almost everything. Seems Im too fcking stubborn. I thought after 4 years it would finally be done but no its as active as it always was

@@user-vn9sh6hv8roh my god you’re right. Being engaged is frequently perceived as having a sign over your head that says “LAST CHANCE” what the heck is up with that? lol 💀

California

This is a new word for me. Is it limerence if both people like one-another ?

Are they happy? Are you? What is the relationship dynamic? Do you really want to get to know the person or do you just want a shot at playing out the fantasy you've been having? I'm honestly curious because I'm in a very similar situation and trying to make sense of it. I keep asking myself "is it limerence, or am I just dreaming/fantasizing about someone I've developed romantic feelings for" because it isn't an obsessive thing and I genuinely want to get to know them and spend time with them but there are a number of obstacles preventing it for the time being.

@@IllusiveSR2 same. It’s hard to know the difference. I just don’t know. It’s not so much that I really want to get to know them or spend time with them, which I do, it’s more like knowing that if I did it would be perfect

@@jellyjams7217 I know what you mean. I constantly wonder if they really reciprocate my feelings because we flirt but haven't had an opportunity to really talk because of my being trapped in a marriage with a narcissistic abuser. Truthfully, if I had a way out of the situation, I would love to just take them out and spend time together. That's why I'm unsure about limerence.. I'm attracted to them but my motivations aren't lustful, I want to get to know her and be able to say how I feel and act in a manner that matches it rather than having to stifle my feelings.

@@jellyjams7217 I'm afraid if it was reciprocated I'd fall madly in love in a way only poets and musicians can describe.

Yall really act like the shit we're experiencing as humans is new😂

@@Isthisjoebiden That's your opinion and we respect it.