I agree that communication is very important. I had a relationship with a girl and we had very good communication, but because our relationship partially moved into the friendship area (it was partially due to some long distance), she said it wasn't keeping the relationship. I highly value communication, being able to understand someone.
“Fluent in 9 languages” This woman... 🙌🏻 This is the best interviewer of hers. I love that he actively listens, paraphrases, etc. He doesn’t interject, change the subject etc. Kudos!!!
Social media and all them dating apps ruined relationships, these days your a swipe away from being replaced! Nobody likes working through problems and facing adversity, they want the quick fix and that’s the problem.
According to one of her talks, you decide that you marry when you decide you can’t do better and want to delete the dating apps lol She also talks about how there’s definitely also the paradox of choice. It’s easier to choose one of two, but not one of thousands
However if you have a partner who refuses to talk over problems then that can be a big problem. Another answer may be too try to create more happy times instead but I found the untackled issues just piled up on us.
Marriage : Serving your spouse, thinking of their best interest. Imagine if BOTH spouses practiced exactly this? Both would be seen and loved and respected.
Two people can go into a relationship/marriage with this intention and think that they are doing it, but both could feel unseen or not respected. It's important that they are on the same page. I could marry you and I love oranges, so every day I give you an orange thinking "she's going to feel so loved by my actions". You could love apples and give me apples every day and think "she's going to feel so loved by my actions". But in reality, you could hate oranges and I could hate apples and every gesture of good-will is actually offensive to the other. That's why it's important for you and I to sit down and communicate with each other and explain our wants and needs as well. But you're right, I think people get complacent and an imbalance can grow in the relationship.
@@Melly16yr10 I've been thinking about those lately and I think about how good it feels to have pride and lust for others and my life itself so I can't agree 🤷♀️
Esther is incredible. Her works and podcasts are pure gold - I truly believe that everyone in a relationship or thinking about entering a relationship, should educate themselves with her work. Relationships take continuous hardwork, y'all. Amazing 👏
Absolutely love Ester's concept to place two objects in your daily view.. One representing what you must leave behind and another representing what you mean to foster, and asking what you have done today about each.
Only 10 minutes in and I am so fascinated. I think this is the best of her interview's I've ever listened to. And that is a big compliment to Tom as an interviewer.
Esther is ABSOLUTELY brilliant, it's MESMERIZING to me how she's able to break down SUCH complex concepts in a digestible way.. she's the hero relationships need
Thank you so much for this video. So many of our past traumas still linger in our new relationships unintentionally. Improvement begins with awareness.
The beginning of a relationship with all the attention and curiosity is exciting but I also think people need to withdraw from one another at times. You may need to mooch about, to sulk for a while over hurts which feel too petty to bring to the light of day etc. The important thing is to not extend these withdrawal times for too long as they can be hurtful to your partner.
My simple way of communication explanation is that there are 2 types of people. Narcissist style with whom the word communication is one way and it is their way and then you have the second group who are willing to communicate and fix problems.
Most of us stare at the things that are uncertain and can't be controlled and hope it changes. Certainty can be a feeling, so create certainty in the other areas of life and it will give you a stronger foundation to handle some uncertainty 🙌
Esther Perel’s work is exceptional....I’ve watched and listened to every piece available....this interview was one of the most incredible...you both so articulately isolated different individuals experiences......please see me, please hear me, please respect me....thank you to both of you.
In case no one has told you today, Keep pushing through the heartache, lack of motivation & self doubt. When you feel lost, that’s the perfect opportunity to find a reroute. There’s so much you’re meant to do in this lifetime, don’t give up on it. Hope our channel helps you on your journey ✌
You have touched on an important issue. Many of us feel somewhat discouraged by life and may not have the confidence and energy that Esther has. Some people need to withdraw from one another at times.
Tom's questions are absolutely briliant. I'm in awe. I've read Esther Perel's books and listened to her speak so many times, but this conversation was very different. Thank you so much 🙏🏻
This is what makes Tom THE best interviewer! He has the unique ability to dive deep into someone's work and then to interview him/her in such a way that he gets all the golden nuggets in a very short time. I've listened to so many of Esther's interviews, podcasts, TED Talks, but this one is the best. I love her work and it certainly had a great impact on my own relationships. Thank you to you both!
@@ChantalFourie I couldn't agree more. He's one the best prepared hosts ever! If you get a chance listen to Tom Bilyeu on Mikhaila Peterson's podcast. Loved seeing Tom on a different side of the conversation.
What I see as a pattern in the work of relationships through having been watching Esther a lot is that when the host or questioning person is male, the conversation is about rationalizing and categorizing and trying to understand relationships. While when the other person is a woman it is more about the actual Living of relationships, the struggles, the conflicts, the hardship, through sharing personal stories and experiences. I prefer when the both being present. In this case the host does not show his own vulnerability yet only shows how well he is in understanding which is not adding to the convo unfortunately. Still Esther is gold and her work full of nuggets to collect for my own life.
I love that > we stop looking at ourselves and only focus on the other person, and the problems we see in thm. As a single person I see this alot when talking with my coupled friends
Im listening to this and feel she’s onto something really important at 13:00. A lot of us use the same words but the cultural context of the words are different. Words like sex, marriage, family, happiness, etc. Marriage meant something entirely different to my grandparents than it did for my parents who came together out of love more than parental expectations. Success and happiness for them is still very much tied to how well my sister and I do in life.
It's not just romantic relationships that this all applies to, but everything discussed in this vid is important to foster a good relationship with anyone in this world.
“Naming is framing” is what a role language serves in our thinking and communicating process. Her multilingual capacity definitely helps her to switch the frameworks among languages and cultures to reduce the self serving biases we all have.
The woman looks like she's 39 or 42 max. WHAT amazing clarity of mind and energy. Not only is she masterful in her field, but she walks the walk. She's healthy through and through.
Well she is 63... I was assuming somewhere in her late 50s but not 60 also the assumption was based on the fact that she has two sons who are already adults now and that she has been working for a very long time... But yes she is amazing!
She's so insightful and articulate about everything she says, her introduction lacks how paramount she is around her area of expertise and how much she is respected.
Literally made me drop what I was doing to take notes. I was saving this one for the weekend and I’m beyond excited! What the two of you bring in these conversations is amazing.
I believe one thing can kill the relationship of couple, when one of the other keep an old habit such as "A man is a bread winner and a woman only do local duties." Life is change. So I suggest to all couples who need great relationship with their love one, build communication and find the same goal that both of you want to accomplish in life. Compromise is very essential in life.
I absolutely agree with her point on language and "naming and framing". I've seen people get really angrynand frustrated because they couldn't explain or convey how they felt and couldn't get pass the misunderstanding.
Respect is what makes a relationship work. I know because I’ve been married for 46 years. I’ve seen the that work in two of my children’s marriages and two that didn’t work in my other two children’s marriages.
My partner often mistranslates what I say and even when I say immediately no that’s not what I said he just says that’s how I took it and I’m like but that’s not what I said so there’s no point being upset or angry but he won’t budge and I can’t resolve.
In a company setting, where 2 people are "fighting" , the fight may be about 1. power and control, 2. trust and closeness, 3. respect and integrity, but these three issues might also become a cover-up story. The cover-up story is then really about who is going to get the most credits for the success of the company and/or who is going to accept the blame for the company not succeeding. How open and honest are people with each other?
Open, honest communication is a prerequisite of good sex. Without vulnerability in communication...sex will disappear between the two in the relationship.
She is so well thought and full of wisdom. It's hard to maintain relationships in these days (personal, professional, spiritual) but with the right tools in place it's possible to nurture them and keep the flame going for life.
You listen to so many “experts” which all have many interesting insights but with Esther Perel you have someone who deals with all the different dynamics in real life relationships with her actual patients day in and day out! No wonder she has such a comprehensive perspective! Now Tom is interesting, I’ve watched some of Lisa’s interviews and I can tell they have such a healthy marriage because they had been so purposeful in their setting rules for communication within their marriage. Not only are they good role models, their relationship helps them ask the crucial questions of their fascinating guests, particularly Esther Perel!!
Wow! What a great interview! This content is very helpful for my personal and professional relationships. I was so engrossed with the interview it seemed to last only 5 seconds.
ooo i am thrilled to know more about the card game Ester described towards the end of this talk, fantastic interview as usual Tom. Thank you for bringing Ester's wisdom.
“The vast majority of the world has never raised their children to do what’s right for them but what’s expected of them.” *Africa has left the chat. Asia would like to be removed from this narrative.*🥶
Having a guest such as Esther Perel is a treat but I really admired your hosting abilities! You do a great job and ask good questions that keep a viewer intriqued! Great show!!
Fights are primarily about these three things: - Power and control - Trust and closeness - Respect and recognition Important questions to reflect on: - What have I done lately to affirm the importance of the relationships in my life ? Is there someone I owe a phone call , or an apology to? Is there someone I could help in this moment? - What have I done to nurture my connections? What are the things you want to leave behind, and the things you want to develop in a certain connection?
Many people have lost these things and stayed together. However, they wouldn’t be any happier single if they couldn’t get someone to give them the validation they need. Sometimes the double edge sword with somebody who doesn’t want to emotionally grow as an individual. At that point you take what you can get. However, if you grow as an individual and they grow as an individual you’d most likely will get past all of these issues. It’s definitely a lot of work. The consistency and the positive treatment of one another makes a relationship absolutely beautiful but it doesn’t make it perfect and it certainly does it make it unsinkable.
She is the most amazing speaker, thinker who brings all aspects of us together and how they interplay, right from biology, to evolution, to communities, cultures, beliefs, organisations, our shared and personal history and all of the little nuances that shape the interplay of our relatiinships. We truly need many many more thinkers, speakers like her, like Dr.Mate, Dick Scharwtz, Shefali Tsabary, who go on all levels of the ground to unearth our beautiful fascinating complexities.
Esther is such a gem! I always enjoy and learn so much from her perspective. Also, Tom is a great interviewer that brings consistently good content to this otherwise controversial social media platform. Very much appreciated!
33:12 "where am I coming from and where do I want to go" Soo powerful words of wisdom. Thank you. Hut ab für Esther, a wise woman who speaks 9 languages. Thank you Tom for having her on your podcast. I'm sure she also impressed you very positively :-) Kind regards, Scottie K.
I wish I could have had my 18 year relationship analyzed by her when we were in crisis and it broke apart. I was very open to therapy but my partner was afraid and unfamiliar and resistant so the marriage went down the hole,,,although we remain good friends but in a surface lightweight more superficial arrangement. It’s hard to find a great therapist that both people like and trust, therapy and self introspection are hard and can be painful plus just a lot of work.
What are the things that kill a relationship? 1. Complacency and Laziness - They don't bring their best to the relationship 2. Lack of/breakdown in communication 3. Sense that your partner is out to get you rather then be benevolent towards you 4. Contempt 5. Violence and aggression of all kinds - Attacking each other 6. Loss of Physical Connection and Touch 7. Financial Incompatibility and Destress 8. Power Imbalances A lot of the times relationships begin to breakdown since people no long feel seen or heard like they used to. The success of a relationship can often times bring complacency which is the cause of this. The first thing counselors do in couples therapy is get each individual to think about their actions, and in what ways they are contributing to the toxicity of the relationship If one or both partners are in either fight or flight mode from one another, the relationship becomes unstable. Re The health of a relationship is highly dependent on the stories that you tell yourself about the relationship and your partner. Therefore, you need to communicate with your partner a lot so that you can cut down on assumptions and integrate their voice into the story. 65% of businesses fail because of a breakdown in communication. Belief in your partners intentions is more powerful then the context itself since that belief filters everything that your partner is saying Most fights are over Power and Control, Trust and Closeness, and Respect and Recognition (Integrity) - What lies at the heart of recognition fights is the feeling that you are not seen. The relationship should be agile enough to adapt to the changes people go through. But concrete enough so that each person understands the expectations which are required of them.
Je t'aime Esther !!! Je t'ai découvert il n'y a pas longtemps et je ne peux juste pas arrêter de regarder tes vidéos et écouter tes Podcasts.Je suis belge aussi by the way, fière d'avoir une compatriote comme toi.
