The Most Dangerous Person in Dating... 

The most dangerous person in a relationship is the individual that creates distance, silence and indecisiveness.

What has worked best for me is not looking for a partner in times of need just as I don't go to the supermarket hungry. Work on yourself, build a life that makes you proud and when you are clear about what you need and what makes you happy, go out and find it. Don't accept less, we all want a partner but not just any partner and not at any price.

Stringing someone along is dishonesty. If you aren't interested in them, someone else will be. Let them go.

Don’t let situationships drag on for years y’all. Bring the question up right away. If they’re not serious don’t waste your time.

I think many women already subconsciously know and can't acknowledge that they already know why this person is avoiding the subject. Because broaching it means it's over. So women hang around hoping it will change. Which it never does.

I fell in love and we moved in together. Five years later, I asked him "will we marry one day?". His reply, "I will never marry you". About a month later I suggested to him that he find a new place to live as I did not want to play house with him anymore, He did move and one year later he married another woman, That all happened 40 years ago and it still haunts me, I was deeply in love with him and I remained single after our ending. I wish I would have asked the big question about a year or two into the relationship, He was the love of my life.

As someone who learned this very late, rip the bandaid off and find out. And accept what they say. Don’t do a thing about it. “I’m not ready for anything serious.” “Oh, thats a shame. That’s exactly what i’m looking for. But if you’re not ready, you shouldn’t feel forced. I wish things could have worked out.” The hard truth is that we often make someone waaaay to comfortable, in hopes they will feel more love in return. But if most of us were honest, it was at our most uncomfortable that we got the most energized and motivated to make changes. Ask the tough questions. Be willing to take a hard pass when they push your boundaries. It will make them think. It will make them challenge themselves- if they really have love for you, you will find out.

I tried that. When man isn't interested, he just isn't interested. There is no secret game or anything else there. It was just a waste of time. If he shows no interest, doesn't call, doesn't ask on a date, it's bye-bye from me! There was one man I actually openly asked and he was all like "sure, I am interested in you!" and kept the same not calling and not answering. So, I dumped him.

It's called lying by omission

I'm in my 60s spent a good two years with a avoider...when the subject came up I was gaslighted...at my age I don't feel I have time to waste.

Just broke up after 3 years lack of intention from an avoider. Take back control of your love life. Powerful. Grief and safety vs. hope n anxiety. Thank you for the great message!

The most dangerous person to be with is a person who is attracted to anyone and can easily fall in love with different people at same time. Someone with constand wandering eye.

I dated a dismissive avoidant for 2.5 years. I never stood a chance. She wanted to have fun and anything deeper or commitment meant pushing me away. Such a collosal waste of time. But now I know and I will never ever never repeat this again. It was the most painful breakup of my life and I'm glad I ended it. Future faking is just cruel sadistic torture. why did i stay so long? because i didn't know about attachment styles, about my childhood wounds, I could only leave once I understood why I attracted it and what needed to heal inside me and my ex.

Biggest waste of time is searching for love outside of yourself. Feel and nurture the love you have inside, for yourself, people, nature, art, animals, life itself. Then you might meet the people or things that are in connection with us.

This can also happen to guys. I had a woman who was always postponing, and said "we need to wait". In the end I was ghosted. The explanation is always in their actions. Stringing someone along is never ok. But it's also our job to set them free once we smell the fish.

I think avoiders are cowards mine was. He gave me crumbs time to time, he played hot and cold and he gave me enough hope so I felt hook up. It took me 2 years to realize that nothing will change. I left him 1 month ago

If after 6-12 months of dating they STILL dont know if they want to spend the rest of their life with you, its time to move on. It takes two seconds to fall in love.

It is so beautiful to look at a man in love, glowing of contentment, happiness and peace. Congrats, Matt

10 years with a man. Completely abandoned me when I brought up marriage . 10 YEARS and GONE !!

Very true. I ask the hard questions from the get go, it saves time and energy, although even when we ask questions, the other person can lie, but only for a while because the truth always surfaces. Be vigilant 🧐 and bring up any red flags 🚩

I was too scared of the answer so didn't ask the question when we'd been dating 5 years. I just schlepped my overnight bag/next day's work clothes to his house each evening until one day I cracked and asked The Question. HE ABANDONED ME TWO DAYS LATER. So - 5 years of my life wasted on a relationship that was done in an instant - no explanation, no closure, nothing. (But I bet he's regretted it every day - ha ha!!!!).

This video drops just in time. I have been dating an avoider for two months and he never showed any other intention beyond intimacy. I am ready to vanish in silence now. I am not interested in expressing or explaining what I really want because he could never give it to me.

Where were you when I was young and naive and needed this the most

Agreed. People dont realize when you play games the other person play games. When you dont play games the other person wont. And if they do, noq you know to leave them alone. Easiest way to find out to be honest

It is so true we already know it’s over , we don’t want to face it and we hang on thinking they will change their minds …foolishly what I know Now is Silence is their Answer

I was in this kind of a relationship. Both of us agreed and wanted to take things slowly, however 6 mths in I did have the relationship conversation and was reassured he wanted a relationship, at one stage even suggesting we were in one at that point. At 8months we have not progressed in time spent together, communication and he is now starting to pick at insignificant issues. I felt he was now sabotaging the relationship and shortly there after he ended it. He did me a massive favour. No regrets it ended and I will be on the lookout for this person again.

SPOT ON, of course, about the avoider. I dated one of these people for the last 2 years long distance and when I finally gathered up the courage to ask for a commitment once I moved back he was like, "I'm super attracted to you, I love you, I love spending time with you, you're the most beautiful person but I just don't feel what I'd need to feel to commit more deeply." That was the end of that. I was absolutely the co-conspirator in wasting my own time for the exact reason you mentioned. It felt so good that I was afraid to ruin the party. I was also the rebound after his 11 year toxic relationship and I was a soft place to land. He never had to take time to really sit in his grief too deeply because I was a distraction from how much pain he was in. I knew better but after a 15 year friendship we'd both always been attracted to each other and I didn't hold my boundaries because there was so much buildup after all that time. And I played it way too cool the entire time. I asked for more communication but I didn't make it an ultimatum. Don't be me!

Exactly !!! Avoider / avoidant .. in the beginning they showing their best self and after taking what they want they disappear…

The more I listen to these kind of things, the more I realise that I have been an avoider all the time. And I avoided confrontation AND emotional connection. One came from fear of being alone, the other was fear of abandonment. Both fears lead to long, quite meaningless, relationships. Then I fought the fear of being alone, by choosing to be single for the past 4 years. Now I chose to date again, and all the fear of abandonment kicks in. It is SO uncomfortable and painful. I cried so much, I never have in my life, but I am seeking true connection. So started therapy and faced this shit. So yes, I can understand that dating an avoider is hard, being an avoider is hard too. But facing it does change everything. In fact I met someone really nice and we are officially together now. It still needs a lot if work, especially on my side, but I am in for it. The main reason I am writing this is... change is possible, BUT it is only possible, if we truly want to, with all of our heart and with pure intention. Then it is possible to get through it. And it is super healing as well.

Dismissive avoidants want all the goods without having to commit to anything, even if this is mostly subconscious for them. There's all this talk about having empathy for people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles and taking it slow for them and giving them space, and we absolutely should do that but ONLY if they're actively working on their attachment style and have communicated and shown with action that they're moving towards more intimacy with you. The truth is, they like you, but not enough to follow through on plans. They like you, but not enough to officially ask you out. They like you, but not enough to respond to your texts (with the amount of time they stare at their screens while they're talking to you, do you really think they just missed your message?). They like you, just not enough. And you deserve better than that. For some reason it's hard to wrap your brain around the fact that a person can be a great human being and still be a really shitty romantic partner. You get sucked in my so many great qualities, but unless they are actively working on their intimacy issues it is not EVER going to happen. And Avidants are notorious for not wanting to work on their attachments styles. No amount of waiting will turn their breadcrumbs into a meal. There's a reason they keep bread crumbing you, and it' because it works. You keep nibbling it up when they string you along, so of course they're never going to give you more. And it's not because they're evil, but because they're too afraid to get close to you. And fear is a hard beast to tame when the person has no desire to do so. All the advice says that avoidants wish you knew that you relying on them for intimacy is too much for them to handle and it would be easier for them to get closer to you if you didn't rely on them so much. That's all great, but shouldn't we be encouraging them to work on becoming secure rather than convincing their partners to just want less than they deserve? I urge you to examine why YOU keep getting into relationships with the same type of person over and over again. Work on your own attachment issues and get out of your lack mentality for a second and realize that there is a whole world of people out there who would love the chance to love you, and many of them are secure. You don't have to got through this misery.

I’ve showed up, being the energy,the love, the support, the understanding and all the package, courage and vulnerability, put the questions and tried to get the conversations, we were on the same page at the beginning then it started to wear off.. pulled away.. lack of meaningful exchanges.. heart to heart conversations to both become aware of defence mechanisms, auto pilot modes, .. avoiding everything basically.. this made me feel anxious and feeling I’m the only horse at this carriage.. more anxious because I did not understand what is happening..and here we are, in a avoidant-anxious relationship dynamic .. that I only now come to understand and become more aware of .. such a pity …

My avoiders told me "I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm not looking for anything serious" so I said goodbye and thank you. Mere months later they always had girlfriends. Translation, they were looking for a relationship, just not with me. Why can't people just be honest?

These comments are giving me strength ❤

I’ve seen this happening soooo many times… but it’s not worth it, we need to be brave and clarify things. Be brave and have the difficult conversations

This is how I approach my dating partners and this video is really affirming that I’m doing the healthy thing in my own vulnerability, openness, and need to ask important questions so that things are clear. It’s scary and can hurt, though.

Ive been avoiding conflict with my current partner for way too long. Wake up call 😮

THIS. Thank you for explaining this. Not everyone is a narcissist! Most people are good just scared

This came to me at such a perfect time. I avoid because I’m afraid of feeling the rejection if he doesn’t feel the same

This video is so timely! Here’s to avoiding the avoider. 👋🏼

Saying "only go after what you want to marry" is easier said than done....

I'm not looking for love, but was curious about the "dangerous person" to look out for if I was. I genuinely appreciate this talk on being an avoider. It's given me some really good insights. Namely, that if you are an avoider in one area of your life, you are likely to exhibit this same behavior in other areas and I am currently working on exchanging my running shoes for some hefty weighted boots that keep me firmly planted in place facing the challenges. It is a challenge of its own that requires consistent self-belief in your right to assert yourself, ask for what you want and strive to get your needs met when you are used to being invalidated or dismissed almost ritually. Thank you! 🌟

I am in this situation right now. It hurts so much. Thank you for your videos

Just cut it off with someone after 2 weeks of texting on an app (sparingly on their part) as they consistently avoided answering my questions and love bombed me after a 5 day silence. Think i just dodged a glamorous narcissist as there were other incongruent things about them, just listen to your gut feeling.

Just got out of the exact situation. Although I did start asking the questions early and put up with him telling me I was 'too much' and thought about relationships too seriously. I let him drag me along for another few months but finally called it 2 weeks ago. I'm annoyed with myself for not having healthier boundaries sooner but I'm taking it as another learning experience and will do my best not to repeat this again.

There is an aprehension that a conversation like that would place undue pressure. I don't know if i want butterflies anymore. I am drained

It impresses me that after all this time MH can still come out with helpful, insightful new content.

If you spend a lot of time with someone and it doesn't go anywhere, it's a sign that there are important lessons to learn. Don't rush or ignore these lessons. If you do, you might make the same mistake again. Even if you watch these videos hundreds of times, your strong emotions will still guide you more than anything else. Until the lesson is learned. We don't grow emotionally based on time, like a clock ticking, but rather when we learn and understand our emotions better through experience and self-reflection.

Most dangerous perosn is someone who wants a FWB and u get sucked in and fall in love while he doesnt and u stick around praying he might suddenly "feel" love for you like you do....i wasted 2 yrs hoping be would suddenly ask me to be his. I left. Still hurts.

This is exactly what happened to me.....I stayed in a relationship which was really a situationship for 4 years with an avoidant person because I adored and loved him sooo much. Granted I did on a couple of occasions share what my boundaries were and lived in hope that he might eventually commit to me. He never acknowledged my boundaries however obviously enjoyed having me in his life. It was more a case of him thinking he could have his cake and eat it too with other options. So when I finally conjured up the guts to ask him for full exclusively, he refused. We were never on the same page although it did feel like we loved each other deeply. It was very confusing and disappointing to me. I felt like I'd been played, however did have some knowledge of him being a player in the past. I guess I was in denial.

This is soooooo true!!!! I gave myself a deadline for 40 days with an ⏰ reminder 😅 - it worked! I was brave and saved my time. 💯

This is so timely! My situationship over three years to a T. Only I was led on by asking these questions and him kinda (but not totally) telling me what I needed to hear. He was a very wounded bird, so I gave him so much slack and I just felt exactly how you explained in this video.. right down to playing cool. It was torture. Finally I pushed for answers, and he was busy, would not have a conversation around it so I kinda kept texting and finally heard back that I was too intense and my persistent messages were making him uncomfortable. I felt SO embarrassed, and was cringing at myself... but we were not aligned and I did need to be rejected like that because the entire thing was an enigma... it hurt most the time, I had anxiety, and was becoming so insecure. I did avoid knowing the truth, when I asked he avoided and I avoided moving on. When it ended I said I deserved to be treated better and he said I'm not treating you like anything! Um.. exactly! Now I know what a situationship is and it is a big waste of time.

Every time I need to hear something, it’s always here! Thank you

I really liked this quick chat Matthew! How you identified the 'avoider' and the danger of dancing with one another, when in fact, you want more. I honestly had my mind enlightened on this one. 😊 Thank you so much! Super appreciate you!

This hits hard. After weeks i finally found the courage to speak up, the answer "lets be friends".

Thank you Matt. You've helped me realise that my relationship is going nowhere x

Spot on! Afraid it will end if you have the conversation. I was just guilty of this. Wow.

Many of these points hit home. Thanks!

So well said, & exactly what I just went through! Thanks for the eye opener, Matthew. I knew I was avoidant, but didn't understand why.❤

This subject...this video is absolutely what happened to me. 3 years and then ghosted. Ghosted by someone I've known forever. I loved her so much and I really did truly want her more than anything. And she avoided...and I helped. Everything Matthew has said in this video is 100 percent what happened to me.

The past does not have to equal the future in this area. Thank you Matthew 😍

Absolutely amazing content !

Bang on time!! I just ended the party 😄 Glad i have always followed this channel!! Thanks a trillion ❤

Thank you so much for your wisdom and the hope your a giving to us. The last sentence: " The past does not have to equal the future". Was exactly what i needed to hear! Thank you! ♥🙏

This has been your most useful video for my purposes. I hope people watch this and take your advice. Thank you mucho 💗🙏🏽

Going through a breakup with an avoidant who also exhibited signs of narcissism. I was very open from the beginning about what I wanted, and at first he said he wanted the same things. I was proud of myself for being vulnerable and having uncomfortable conversations with him, even though it caused him to grow very distant from me over time. I realized he was lying to me and dragged me along for a year. It's difficult right now, but I learned a lot from this experience and I will never accept this behavior from a partner again

Thank you, Matthew, so much for your videos! I have been watching your RU-vid channel for a while and what you said had really helped me to change my perspective and turn my life around. Something clicked in my brain and I realised that I was miserable in my situation shop and didn't want to put my energy there anymore. Pure luck or change of mindset but now I am in very happy, commited relationship and I am convinced that your advise played big part in that. Thank you!

I was in a SITUATIONship ….Without knowing it was a situationship. thanks for all your help doing so much better now 💯

That's all so right. Avoiders are a plague in dating. I've learned to know them and do away with them. By the way can't wait to read your book, I've pre-ordered it!

Just wanted to say I was an avoider in a relationship, and exactly after 5 months when I finally decided to let the guy know what I was missing, and I put my heart out there for him to listen and maybe give me something that I needed (and not just doing everything that I was hating just to please him), he listened and 5 days later he broke up with me. It hurt like hell, and still hurts to this day (it's been 4 years and I still think I was an idiot because I could have avoided the situation).... but, yup, my fear of rejection (which I knew it would happen as soon as I would open my mouth to say what I was feeling) kept me in silence for so long. This was such a great video because I've recognized myself in it going back to that time. I don't do it anymore, I've learned the hard way. Now, I see an emotional unavailable guy and although I try for a bit, I leave the situation but I say what I have to say. I leave before I get hurt (as I know I will be). And there it goes... I'm always alone.

THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO! I think too often we waste our time on people who haven't done anything "wrong," when they also haven't done anything right -- Just because we're afraid to start modeling the behavior we want and committing to our standards. A lack of glaring red flags isn't the same as an abundance of green flags.

Thank you Mr and Mrs Matthew Hussey.

If it’s not working out in a relationship, I don’t think it’s either at fault. If it doesn’t work out it wasn’t meant to be.

This is very true! As a man I think women are way better communicators (in general) but many times don't speak straight to the point...the very important points...and they should!

Excellent. No more words needed.

Time wasters will make it sure to take your time. As for me, i just give them 3 months. Even if they are good people, there are people who are " confused" with what they want. If after that, a man has no " clear plans" if he wants to be in a relationship with me... I understand. Let's have the conversation, closure then end it. I have to move on from that 3 months.

This one hit hard… Thanks Matthew

I like watching these videos I've learnt so much from this guy he explains things so well and he has helped me see the truth . I'm the kind of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve like so many others out there . Thanks Matthew you have helped Me think before jumping into another romance disaster . I get what you say I tend not to have that conversation with a guy because I'm afraid to hear that they are not thinking of the future just for now.

After two years of being with a man my sons and I loved dearly, I asked the hard questions and needed to establish what we were a year ago. He did exactly what you said he would “oh I thought you didn’t want to get married again” when he knew all along deep down I did.. I just needed time. He kicked the can for months.. saying he needed more time to think about it.. during that time I felt the pain, the loss, the distance and the truth that he wasn’t choosing us. He finally admitted he had no desire to be a father to my boys (even though he said he would be all in with them from the start) and that he had no desire to marry again and went on his way, completely discarding me and my boys like we never existed 💔 lesson learned to establish boundaries of what you are looking for- from the start so there’s no difficult conversations or tremendous heartbreak later.

I need this today!

Very true. Good work.

The most dangerous person in a relationship is the one who has the least to lose, the one who cares less. I am constantly "modeling the energy" I want from other people and NEVER receiving it back. I give up.

You, sir, are an angel

Great Video,

I've given up. I'm DONE.

Great advice

I am in this position 4 years… it never changes..

Lol I love your content. It’s like you’re my relationship advice brother

Great advice contrary to most video out there… always be true to your feelings no matter what. True love is about being vulnerable and without games. Everything in live is about being intencional about everything and very honest.

Awsome advice

Thanks Matt. Your videos are very insightful, helpful and fun. Sometimes its also the hope that hold people. I think with time, we will grow closer, attachment stronger and he will want to take the next step. Many times this kind of hope is empty. I learnt this the hard way. I love what you are saying about bringing the energy you want into a relationship. However sometimes this might be seen (by some men) as too demanding, too forward and it can scare some people. I wonder if you can address this in one of your vids? You know the things that scare /put off people etc. Unless you already did lol. Thanks

Omg 😮 Mathew.. you just gave me the speech I needed.. yes.. you're right 😮😱

My last boyfriend did this. I tried to initiate these conversations, but he avoided them, often giving me enough of a breadcrumb that I could run with, but not fully giving an answer or being honest. He involved my daughter in his stringing me along, and hurt my career and friendships in the process with his cheating. I’m having a hard time ever wanting to trust again.

❤thank you Mattew , you are Amaizing and your advices are so crystal clear that are also helping my mind that knows something to understand better what shall I do to find The One !

This Is exactly what happened tò me. After a Little more than One year, I had to ask and the answer was so disappointing I had to leave. Never making that mistake again.

I have the conversation on first date!!!! I have learned this lesson and now I'm direct.

If they are an avoider, thats the first sign that they likely are not up for the task of committment and emotional intimacy and healthy communication or they just arent into you.. Keep your basket full, and wait for the one offering clear intentions.

Thank you

Hi Sir... Amazing for great insights as usual that highlight that if you have one dimensional relating and there is only one domain of life that you are in with him and is constantly giving ,initiating and filling the space between the two of you.That is he is investing just enough to keep the connection alive .There is ni openness in the r.ship and there is a limit to how connected you can be and this trap widens each day .Thanks Sir for each and everything and Your advice . Regards 💝

Very true , ask what you need to know ❤

Very true and accurate...been there done that Red Flags from the first week, having studied psycology due to my career in Advertising, narcissists buy into ads...but my long distance relationship is dead - i cut it off, similar to what you describe