The REAL Reason Why Narcissists Are So Attracted To INFJs 

Interesting fact: after realizing I was the scapegoat in my family, & being abused by narcs, I joined a narcissistic abuse recovery group, only to discover that nearly everyone in the group was an INFJ or INFP (I'm an INFJ). This video is spot on.

10 years and 2 kids later i been discarded...BRUTALLY. Man...never felt such pain in my life. It scratched my soul and left me gasping 😢

INFJ have intense childhood trauma and narcissists have it as well. Lot of narcissists felt like outcasts in their childhood. It makes you think they are similar to you.

I think a big reason why narsisists are so attracted to us INFJs or why we allow ourselves to get tangled up with them is because we don't love ourselves enough, and because of this we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. I think this is a natural tendency of all INFJs. We need to realize our own self worth and actually love ourself and value ourselves. I think once we do this, we can become stronger against narcissists and other users or abusers and will not allow people to take advantage of us. This channel has helped me learn to love myself and appreciate my own unique and valuable INFJ qualities, so thank you!

The codependent tendancies of INFJs are a fit for a narcissistic relationship dynamic

I grew up being abused and bullied by narcs and psychopaths, and got severely damaged by it. I came close to becoming one. You'd think they all graduated from the same school. Now I retaliate, and destroy their ego. For some reason, they start to feel a chaotic energy from me when I start to figure them out. And it overwhelms them, downright scare them. Now I understand why. I'm a Sigma- Infj.

I’ve been around so many narcissists that I learned to mirror them as soon as I know they are one. They get confused and start to lovey dovey you.

Honestly im so sensitive to other peoples feelings to the point i can almost feel it on my skin

I married two narcissists and spent 39 years being abused-I think I was attracted by their “victim” looks.

My wife was abused by a narc, and she got many traits made me to think she was a narc. After months of trying to get through the barriers I faced, I broke up, and after I accepted to get back together - she started to change, and we are happy for 5 years now - narcs can change you to mirror them back - I am happy I could save a life. At least I hope so.

Hello Jay, and thank you for creating this channel! As an INFJ and lifelong narcissist magnet, I can really relate to what you're saying in your videos. In the hope it will help other INFJs avoid the narcissist's cruel traps, I'll share some of my experience of the very subtle love bombing tactics of the "neglectful" narcissists. They are lazy and don't want to go to much trouble or inconvenience to hook their targets, so they seek victims who are starved for affection to feed little crumbs to like "how did I deserve someone like you?" Then they just sit back while you do the work chasing after them. Taking it slow with them may not repel them because they play a long con. They may play a victim game to get you to feel sorry for them, or virtue signal to falsely gain your trust, all with minimal effort on their part. Once they have you hooked, they start subtly expressing dissatisfaction with you, such as accusing you as being a glass half empty person and the cause of their misery. They want you to be responsible for their rotten feelings. When you jump through hoops to make them feel better and accept you, they move the goal posts and are ever more dissatisfied and contemptuous of you. While they revile you for being so miserable, they are really feeding off your pain, the more miserable you are, the more supply they get. They secretly envy you; they want to be you, yet they hate you at the same time. With education and healing, I've learned to trust my precious intuition to avoid these types.

A lot of narcissists are dark empaths. As an INFJ it feels great and amazing when you think you found someone who gets you and understands you and narcissists are good at mimicking this. The one thing I found to be the true test of their character and I got burnt by a lot is their selfishness. They can say anything, but over time what selfless acts do they do that don't mutually benefit? Love and friendship require sacrifice, narcissists are all about their needs. In the end it is best to cut them off, heal, move on and remember that near misses are God's kisses and their lives are less full without you. When someone loses an INFJ they literally lost something rare in the world. However a lot of narcissists are really good at sex, so try and stay "level headed" and not in the fog of orgasms and lust when thinking and analyzing.

They are everywhere! You can’t go live in this world and not come accross them. Protect your peace/do energy work on building a protective bubble around you, pray for them. When people show you who they are believe them. Don’t judge, everyone is on their own path. Without darkness there wouldn’t be contrast for the light. Choose light. Be nice, but not too nice. It takes lots of daily practice and we all get better at it. Especially boundaries, I’ve been working on those for 3 years, I’m doing great!!! Learn your lessons they are teaching you, break your patterns. Self care!! Oh and Do NOT brush off the red flags. Mainly I think they teach us how not to be!! It’s a spectrum, so yeah In comparison to us INFJ’s of course they stand out. We are the opposite!! If you don’t have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut!! Do unto others as you would have them do unto them. Simple valuable teachings that needs to get to the children!! Do inner child work on yourself!! Be Brave!! Oh and forgive them!! That’s key!! They don’t even know!! Often they learned this behavior in childhood, probably were severely abused too. So be yourself and love them, from afar!!!!! From afar!! You’re way more impactful in this way!! From afar!!! You need a lot of time and space to/with yourself infj’s so honor that!! Sending you lots of fun independent energy!! I am 38, I have a LOT of experience in this department!! I hope that helped someone!! I love you!!!

9:07 This has been a lifesaver for me. My husband of 43 years passed in 2020. After a year, I felt a need to begin dating. I spoke with him for several weeks before our meeting. He said all the right things and I felt a strong connection to him. Fast forward to a year and a half later……we broke up multiple times only to come together after several months….you know “we had a special connection”. I was gaslighted….verbally belittled and abused and HE just discarded me. I fully expect he will call in a few weeks….but thanks to this video…l will be ready. I know how to block his number and he wont play me again. Oh btw….he has a degree in Psychology....so he said.

I married one of these "creatures" when I was 25 and divorced him at 30. It was a hellish education, but now I'm thankful for it because my soul grew so much & so did my self respect. I didn't know I was an INFJ then. I went on to marry a wonderful man who passed away last year. More soul growth through pain💔. And yes, INFJ's grieve differently too.

I don't think I can ever tell the details again on social media, though they would surely illustrate how awful it can get. I tried it once under a You Tube video for the personality type of the narcissist (INTJ) and was told by a couple of INTJs who read it that nobody could've done things like that and I was making it all up and needed to get help for my delusions. The most embarrassing thing is that I was trained to diagnose NPD, but was also told I would never meet one in my whole life because they are so rare and never come to therapists. There were 3 in a row before I finally asked myself why I kept attracting emotionally unavailable men, and followed the Adult Children of Alcoholics program, which taught me how to do things differently. I married a wonderful man as a result. It turned out that one reason my spouse is so kind is that he was the scapegoat son of a man with NPD, and he has other family members who have it. We seem to draw them to us like moths to a flame. Just like in this video, I threw away 12 years of my prime trying to change things and ignoring things that were so cruel that I was left speechless. If you are not able to imagine spending your entire life with this person exactly the way he is right now, leave. If you are not telling anyone what he is doing because you are ashamed to be putting up with it, leave. If you are walking on eggshells, making up excuses for his behavior, leave. People rarely change in any substantial way.

So true! I was raised by persons like this and have had both "friends" and boyfriends who have had these traits - one turned into domestic violence (for only 6 months thank goodness). I have been happily single for years now. The biggest lesson learned from all of this is to listen to your gut. Deep down you can see the "red flags" but ignore them for a chance to finally have that deep meaningful relationship you long for. I've learned that the best relationship is with yourself. Love yourself the way you want to be loved by others and you'll finally feel free.

It's a perfect storm, especially if the INFJ grew up with narcissistic parents. No boundaries and no needs allowed in these families. Unfortunately, I think this personality is often molded in dysfunctional systems and families. Ni keeps us safe by being able to read body language and emotions, reading signs beneath the surface that tell us how to keep ourselves safe, and give the narcissist what he/she needs, and Fe teaches us to walk on eggshells and do everything in our power to create harmony to keep the narcissists happy. I stayed way too long in lousy relationships and have had years of therapy to undo the brainwashing due to narcissistic abuse. Of all the types, I have noticed INFJ's tend the most to codependence, and the ruin this causes in our lives is tragic. Having introvered feeling (Fi, the function that allows a person to develop a sense of self/agency,) is in the unconscious critical parent position for INFJ. When things go wrong in a relationship, my only recourse in this family was to lash out at myself in a vicious way. It's a narcissists dream of heaven!! Get help, INFJ's Even though it feels like you are going to die, it's all about boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and discerning yourself as a free agent and taking the inner child by the hand and reparenting yourself.

yup! infj! this is my life starting with my mother and every relationship. im staying single, while i learn better filtering mechanisms

It's not the people, it's the powers and principalities, the dark forces...

Being in love with a narcissist can turn you upside down and inside out, particularly as an INFJ. I can tell you about the psychological anguish of simply not being able to fathom how someone can be so cruel and yet hanging on for the exact same reason, because you think there is something you're missing, often times an INFJ introjects this into thinking there's something wrong with them, you DON'T want to go down that road, it can literally make you delusional. Listen to this beautiful man's wisdom, my experience with narcissists confirms 👍

Okay, I normally don't comment on RU-vid videos, but these have called me out so thoroughly I felt the need to. I'm a pure INFJ fitting every single trait you've described in your other videos. And ...this one hit HARD. I spent 20 years of my life with a narcissist, and as soon as you got to the part about how they started love bombing someone else, it was like a kick in the teeth. Bang on to what happened to me. And it's... it's so hard to recover. Took me 4 straight years of therapy to untangle the knots he'd tied in my head, and so, if this really is something that is common for all INFJs to go through, I just want to say... Please don't give up. It's a lot of work to recover and takes a long time, but there are people out there who can and will understand you. It's so hard and it hurts so much... but just keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have seen so many of these people over my 67 years. You have hit the nail on the head with this video. I'm retired now, so don't spend a lot of time dealing with people I don't want to be around. A concern I have is that at my age, if I don't recognize the next narcissist, I may not be able to cope with it. It would useful to talk about how narcissists take advantage of older, lonely INFJs. We SO know that this happens.

It took me a long time to realize that I could not love enough to fix relationships in my life that were with narcissists in my life. Sadly, as it was family members it was a difficult road.

Absolutely true , They will never change their toxic behavior even the smaller step rather they gaslight you & make you feeling guilty , then you got a trauma bond relationship . Thanks keep going Brother 🙏

I'm a narcissist magnet and just find out I'm an INFJ. This makes so much sense to me now. My question is this...as an INFJ, Am I doomed to be alone forever?

I spent a decade of my life with a narcissist. I actually broke up with him after the first year, and then got back together with him 3 years later because his persistence overcame my resistance. When I saw him again that first time after our 3-year separation, I physically cringed, felt like my very soul did an unpleasant flip-flop. But I ignored my better sense and ran head-long into 9 more years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse. We were engaged 3 months after our reconciliation. Why did I stay so long? Because I had his child a year after we got engaged. And, yes, I thought the problem had to be me, so I could make it better somehow. It just didn't make any sense that I was really being treated that way, so I thought I must have been missing something or doing something wrong. He's a malignant narcissist, meaning he goes out of his way to create pain and chaos for me and whoever else he sets his evil sights on. I didn't have any knowledge about narcissists until a culminating event led to me seeking therapy - and my therapist(s) both very quickly drew the conclusion that I'd been dealing with a malignant narcissist all those years. It was a cathartic revelation for me. Knowledge truly is power, because once I began researching narcissism, I was able to better protect myself from him - not completely, but enough so I didn't need any more therapy because it was really clear that I wasn't the problem. I'm far from perfect but I'm a hell of a lot better than that vampire. Our son is 16 now so I don't have to deal with the vampire as often as I used to. And when I do, I pray to Jesus to stay close to me and guide me through it (and He never lets me down). The stories I could tell people about what that man put me through would be hard for them to believe. Unless you've experienced such abuse first-hand, it's hard to wrap your mind around. The absolute most painful thing he did to me was systematically erode my rights as a mother (he has all the money, no qualms with lying, and is extremely litigious, of course). That nearly put me over the edge. But God and my finer INFJ qualities have carried me through. My son has always experienced the depth of love & empathy only an INFJ mother can give, so our bond is unbreakable. To this day, I am usually filled with hope and love and a quiet kind of joy - despite that man's best efforts. And still, in fact just the other night, he continues to try and revise history. I've always been one of the only people in his life who will stand up to him and not just swallow his BS because he's trying to spoon-feed it to me. My voice and eyes ooze judgement as I shake my head, and say, "That's not what happened. I was there, remember?" BOY, DOES THAT VAMPIRE HATE TO BE CALLED OUT. I can sense that he'd love to just thrash me, which isn't funny at all, but is making me smile right now. BECAUSE AS AN INFJ TRULY IN MY POWER, I KNOW I CAN EVISCERATE HIM AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. But I don't - because I'm an INFJ lol. And I will not engage in his pig play. I urge anyone, especially the ultra-sensitive INFJ's out there, to end that relationship that's causing you so much pain. No matter how difficult the ending of it is, the chances of you remaining in that situation with your sanity and self-worth in tact are slim to none. Would you ever treat anyone the way you're being treated? No, never, because it could only cause them harm? Then why do you deserve to be treated that way? How are you supposed to just persevere? You're not a super-hero and you probably don't look great in a cape anyway. If I was the ghostly writing in your condensation-covered bathroom mirror, this is what you'd see when you exited the shower - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Don't ignore the warning.

My whole inner family circle is full of narcissists. It took me almost 20 years to figure this out and now that I know it's not just my dad I'm beginning to remove myself from the unhealthy attachments. It's not easy as I have some mental and physical challenges that have had me someone partially reliant on at least my mother for a long time now. But I'm slowly getting there. This is to everyone who is in a similar position, you can become strong enough to live on your own without those toxic people in your life.

My entire family is full of narcissists.

An INFJ married to a narcissist for 34 yrs. In therapy now. He’s dying of cancer. This video was right on in every aspect

I spent 15 years with a narcissist. She kept me under her thumb and slowly pushed me down trying to get me to turn into a dark empath. I just kept trying harder to make it work until I realized I was the only one giving and I had given all I could. I was done and door slammed the relationship. I told her I was done and never talked to her again. There were dark times after that with the flying monkeys and assault on my reputation, but I was so done I didn’t care. I did develop some really unhealthy traits and was not good to myself or others for a while. After 5 years out I’m myself again and moving in a healthy positive way. I have found another INFJ and it just flows with deep discussions and understanding. I’m very happy and grateful I survived that trauma.

I've experienced all of this. At the time I couldn't believe someone could treat another person like this. It was a covert narcissistic personality. This type I understand, is very dangerous. I can still see the flying monkeys working with her. 😢

narcissists not only are the cycle, they are born with the same vocabulary. over half a century, has shown me that they may come in disguise( all they are in their entirety)but as someone who has an invisible forehead tattoo, arrow sign on my back, ability to be everything a narcissist wants the most to be himself, and as a vulnerable traumatised person, still engage open/ broken heartedly with others, the perfect prey. the narcissists only potential is to live a life locked in a cycle of the above iteration: love bomb/gaslight/devalue/discard/never go away. The last part is what is most important and not spoken of enough. When you are forced to leave, because they create such chaos and devastation, because as my ex partner told me: they never have less than three! and their abuse has hollowed you out to the point of near death or they realise you are not a stalker just know exactly who, what and why before they even know themselves, they need to exit of THEIR WILL, while still making it seem to everyone and sadly themselves, it was you who left them. Setting themselves up as the victim so the next target , already heavily invested, is more easily confused into believing them. Leaving you is a construct, they will force you to leave. and as a loving person the trauma of their constant betrayal, as they storm out on you, they are already on their way to number 2 or 3, you are left devastated, years of healing required while they have already moved on before leaving, straight out the door, direction:Number 2 or 3. However, their disguise is flimsy at best and when the mask slips, and it will, they will need to resource your vulnerability by turning up unexpectedly, maybe months, years later. their insatiable vacant self needing feeding, and if you have not done the work, and this is a very hard path rarely travelled to complete healing, you will relent. They say nothing changes, but it does. and this is how: the cycle becomes so fast, you are spinning, unravelling, and you add your shame, self betrayal to that and you are not coming out without serious medical and psychological co morbidities and severe PTSD or CPTSD. They are kiss or kill: adore/ abhor. even when they have moved on if you have children, they will alienate you from them in their warped narrative. I clearly could write a book on this. So know this: it will only, ever, always get worse. Get out, cut them out in every way possible, and heal. Because what they saw in you and you handed over, is not a self replenishing source. You are the source! you are always still the incredible soul, no one can take away! evil exists in the world, it's the behaviour of a narcissist. those with resources will want you dead. This is a very dangerous situation. I am not dramatising what I have lived.BUT: there is a gift in this that no one who has not been through this hell may experience. You will come to see the world and people with your unique intuition,understanding and experiencing in its absolute perfection. the universe likes balance: the abyss for the magical, mystical absolute understanding of everything.

I’m pretty fresh out of a 6 week whirlwind romantic run in with someone who has high narcissistic tendencies. He’s an INTJ. Rather than let him show me who he was, I focused so much on learning about his MBTI type. Because he has a hard time sharing, I wanted to accommodate him with space and acceptance. He mirrored me so well. I felt so at ease and at “home” with him very early on. Never had I felt so loved and accepted and understood by a romantic partner. All the while, my brain said, “Too good to be true.” He doesn’t have any friends and struggles with work relationships too. He would say things like, “I want to do what makes you happy”. He thought people were looking at him wrong. I knew I needed to test him with boundaries but I wanted it to be authentic and deep down, I think I knew it would not go well. I didn’t want to disrupt our fairytale. I needed to postpone a date to take care of a family member and he said he understood but then he made up a problem out of nothing and told me I was a dishonest person among other unkind and untrue things. I know this is not who I am but I understood that he might have felt them to be true, not knowing me like my family and lifelong friends do. We had a “nice” repair and a plan for what to do with misunderstandings in the future. 2 weeks later, another boundary came up and that was it for both of us. He realized I was on to him and no longer good supply and I realized this is who he is and it was scary for me. It became volatile and he was like 2 different people. I felt foolish to be caught in this pattern once again but this time the he was the most advanced (comes with age) and this time I caught on sooner. I have hope that I will step into my power and strength and keep myself soft enough for love in the future.

Knowledge is power. The better you know yourself, the more powerful you become because you learn to "drive your Ferrari instead of going on autopilot". Your brain controls everything. Imagine the power you can have if you learn to control the mechanisms of your brain. It's very powerful, believe me. I tested.

My mother was a narc. In demanding codependence and that I bend to her will, she prepared me for my narc husband. I knew he was selfish and difficult, but I didn't see the narcissism until a friend mentioned gaslighting. Everything lined up when I googled the term. I saw what he is and what my mother was. For 2.5 years I've been watching videos like this. They have allowed me to truly see. I am writing this because the above youtuber said it might help another. Blessing & PS: I'm sorry I don't know your name. You videos are very helpful. An INFJ

literally in this situation now. It's been 8 years and I'm stuck in a state with no friends or family trying to figure a way out on my own. .-.

I was also a target (not a victim) of a narcissist. 19 years old, learning to live on my own and along comes a "great guy". The chain of events happened just like in this video. I KNEW when he was lying and I knew when he was unfaithful...yet, I always gave the benefit of the doubt because I had "no proof". It wasn't until I actually had the proof that I broke off the relationship. But, after a few months, I fell for his apology and took him back. The cycle started all over again....I felt so stupid because I knew better. Anyway, it ended when he became jealous of ME and he punched me in the face. Well....I tend to get REALLY PISSED so I put him in a headlock and won that fight!!!! That was that and I haven't looked back. I've been married for 30 years to a better man! He is not physically abusive and he has continued to love me over all these years! He does have some narcissistic tendencies, though....not full blown narcissist...but he can be needy. We're content and have plans to be together until the end. 😁

I’m one of the slower INFJ’s. It’s happened to me 3x over the course of 30 years. I finally get it and now that I do, I’m very angry. Now I don’t want any romance. It all seems like a scam to me. I don’t care if no one gets me.

Narcs will never change. It is you who need to change & that change is to stop caring about them bec caring for someone who hates you will always lead to misery. I suggest keeping a private journal of a list of people & writing about their strengths & weaknesses. It will help you in the future to discern who really deserves you attention. We INFJs are capable of healing & harming. This makes us both lovable & dangerous. Narcs run away once you show your intimidating side. I tend to turn their friends against them by exposing their personal chats (screen shots) with me.

I’ve been in and out of abusive relationships my whole life. I finally figured out the pattern on my dark night of the soul. Still in isolation stage 3 years later.

2 mins into this video and yep, this is so true. I’ve gotten better at being able to turn my back on the NARS and send them packing… however hard for me because I grew up with NARS parents and I still have one around. I wish I would have known all about INFJ’s and NARS in my 20’s, but I’m in my 30’s and still having trouble with NARS, I’m a total magnet for them. This is 100% accurate!

Just when you think you'll encounter the boogey man narcissist, there's the benevolent/altruistic narcissist. He was so good (or I was so naïve), that I didn't even know he WAS a narcissist until after it was over! 20 years off and on with the breadcrumbing. I SO wanted him to be the one, but FINALLY I understood that 1) he could not and would not give me what I wanted emotionally, and 2) I didn't have another 20 years to waste if I wanted better, and 3) I deserved better. Well, one day I commented that something he sent me was basically insane and he stopped talking to me from that day after 20 years. It's been 2 years. And while he thought he discarded me, I was so at peace, I almost forgot about him. I had a healthy relationship with someone else a year after him, and truly experienced that it wasn't me. My only regret is the time I wasted in hope of him changing, but I'm still free!

True, i was friends with narcissists, when i was younger. The reason was though that i haven’t learned to put boundaries. I was always willing to do the work in the relationship and carry their burdens, because i believed that they would grow (and i was taught to sacrifice myself for others). Of course, i got rid of them, but until now narcissists feel attracted to me, because i am a nice person. But as soon as they start to become abusive, i surprise them with the narcissistic door slam. (Normal people are not abusive. They can act not good sometimes, but this is not the same as being abusive.)

I went through a very similar experience, Jay. Thank you for voicing it. We have to be careful indeed... rather be alone than with a narcissistic partner...

Have hooked a NPD. Luckily from past experiences with personality disorders, I saw the red flags immediately. On the 3rd brief meeting, it was confirmed.

Thank you for making this video. I was beginning to think it was me. My first husband was a narcissist and I got out early, the second one strung me along and now I am going through a nasty divorce because he's convinced everything I own is his and I don't get anything. I've got a good lawyer, thank goodness, but like with all narcissist, it is beginning to drain me emotionally as he is drawing it out. I thought I would be able to see through the narcissist the second time but even my family was fooled the second time. Fortunately already with the first marriage, I knew how to handle getting out of the second marriage more strategically. Note to others, when in a relationship with a narcissist, document and keep files on everything...you may need it!

Through my teenage I’ve met two narcissists in a row in two years. Both left me with wounds but I now feel lucky cuz I met them when I could still get help from my loving parents. Now I can recognize them instantly. I wish everyone the best luck

This really resonates with my experiences with narcissists in my family, my friends and my romantic relationships. I think I've finally had enough traumatic experiences to understand exactly when a narcissist is trying to bait and hook me. 😣Thanks for your video. There's hope for us afterall💗

It doesnt even have to be a relationship, it can just be your friend

I think it’s inferior Se that keeps us from seeing the reality of narcissists. I’m 34 & only started learning about them last year. It’s changed everything for me. I realized just how many of them were around me & started testing the waters to see if my assumptions were accurate & every time I was spot on. I’ve been able to cut 2 of the main narcissists out of my life, but am about to travel to visit friends & have come to the conclusion one of the girls I was good long term friends with over there is. When I called her out a few years ago (on my last trip) she got so mad. I feel like I need to expose this to others to keep them safe, but it’s kinda confronting to have to do that & they’ve literally got the biggest web strung around so many people that I know. It’s infuriating to have to watch my back with this because it’s just so wrong what they do. ALL of the narcs are in/were part of church leadership & communities too 😭

After many of my younger years struggling fighting with a narrasistic "church" group i married into, i finialy realized the best for my kids was to be the honest person not tolerate it. Let the other characters play the bad roll. Time tells the story well with the right light on honest questions. Not knowing i was an infj then the torture was brutal, but a hearty wake-up call. Its real life. Not understanding any of this younger when it finally all clicked in place i see it now in other groups. Well now self isolated out of healing its hard to see my kids lives all tangled up with dishonesty. Its made me in ways address the issues differently now knowing the abuse paterns. I swear narcissism is a deep seeded evil to devide people, ruin love, and the message of peace in anyones heart.

Thank you for another magnificent video that is of so much value to all INFJ's out there. I had to deal with a narcissist family member. What saved me was discovering the grey rock method where I became as boring as possible in order to get discarded. Worked like a charm. They feed on any information you give of yourself. Looking forward to the next video 😄🍀

Hi Jay, I just found your channel. I am an infj, I spent 9 years with a narcissist and was discarded in July. I had no idea what a narcissist was when we first met. I feel like now I am an expert, lol. Thanks for the video. ❤

Hey Jay. Setting boundaries is a perfect test to detect a narcissist. They directly show the gas lighting behavior in an affect. They might push you away instantly. Perhaps you can do some videos about borderline people. Many psychologist compare narcissism with borderline. Both inner personality is both both described as pile of shards. Even psychologist know treating a borderline style or even disordered person is a challenge for them. They are in fact not that toxic as a narcissist. It is important to know own borders and not let them draw you in a relationship alike. Ty for your videos. Marc

As an INFJ who experienced a narcissist for a year, I am no longer afraid of them. I'm confident that I can tell right away. I had a break from dating for years. Now I observe a person with caution and will never have my boundary crossed.

I met someone who is a suspected covert narc online. I only treated him as a friend at first but I fell in love with him after 2 to 3 1/2 months of being love bombed. Exactly, that thing you mentioned when he wants so much of our time (texting and calling non stop every day even if it annoyed me because it's the same questions asked like 'how's the weather?' and sends a question mark if I can't reply for a minute 😅) and I felt suffocated at first as he was invading too much of my alone time. I told him about that and obediently complied. His personality and traits are what I've been looking for in a man. He was very empathetic, kind, God fearing and a listener. I even referred him as my 'safe haven'. After I was hooked, he suddenly changed abruptly withdrawing the affection and started to make excuses. I recalled I sensed he wants something from me from the beginning and was faking that smile. However, it was overshadowed with his good traits that I didn't pay attention to my instinct. He continued to lie until the more his excuses became lame. I never forget every single details from his spoken words and his facial expressions so I know he was lying but I don't have proof. I called his BS out but the more I was devalued. My only proof is my gut feeling that made me so anxious that I can't even sleep from overthinking. The consistent emotional manipulation and gaslight affected my mental health. I don't want to ever go back to that state again. It was traumatizing but I'm continually healing myself right now including my inner child wounds so I won't be co dependent and seek validation from others again. Please educate yourselves with narcissism and the manipulation techniques usually used by them. So, we can be vigilant in the future and be able to notice the red flags if they try to love bomb us from the beginning. Stay strong my friends💪✨ Sorry for the long message.

I too have had bad experiences with narcissists. They managed to take me to hell. I felt physically burning from the inside out and an insane desire to put an end to that character who was wasting precious oxygen and was going to ruin other lives after mine. Luckily I asked for help because I was starting to lose control of the monster that lives inside me and a kind soul from psychology helped me. I started studying neuroscience, philosophy, identification of facial micro-expressions and this took me to another level where I found peace and rebuilt myself. Now I am able to smell narcissists in the distance. I wish you all the courage and strength to rebuild yourself and reach another level of peace that is worth living. Love yourself. 🙏

I’ve only just recently begun to disentangle myself from the toxic people I allowed to be in my life! I appreciate your channel! Thank you!

As a female, mature age, I met a narcissist 23 years ago and after the initial love bombing he took me overseas. Then the scary treatment began. I am still with him but always wanted to get away. It took me years to learn what a narcissist is, and I set firm boundaries like have my own bedroom as my sanctuary, and walking out on his abusive verbal inconsistencies. He has mental illness now so it probably makes sense since he abused drugs and drank. His personality is quite docile and apologetic now so is much easier for me plus I look after him. I’m a Christian and INFJ-A, advocate. I am a very centered person and an artist 35 years, so as we know, being alone is easy! He has his own room and walks and rides his bike, and we have always cooked our own different kinds of meals, so interaction is minimal during the day. I forgive him for the past as the Lord forgives me.

Unfortunately I met an INFJ that is a narcissist…..really good at spotting other narcissists and beyond proficient at being one himself….the reality is that a “real” narcissist lives in a completely made up reality to protect their ego because it was so brutally challenged and destroyed…so they are good at picking them out and even better being one themselves …very strong ni will power

😢 No one believes in me. I am broken. But I will heal right now, for I believe in me.

I recently learned that my mother is a narcissist and looking back I feel like I should of known sooner. Aside from basic narcissistic tendencies like, love bombing, gaslighting, the as I call it (bigger is better) in literally every way, she has also told me straight to my face that she would lie to me. So, that would mean that all the trust I would ever have for her disintegrated all at once; but, you can’t “truly” trust a narcissist from the start. That is only one of many stories that have happened to me.

Best video on RU-vid! I’ve fallen for 4 Narcs. Married 1, dated the others. Slowly I began to catch on. Thank God for RU-vid. I am more educated now….still hurts when they dump you. I agree….worst pain!

You are so good. That part about them mirroring my emotions back at me. that really hit home.

Yes I too had a bad childhood, only, lonely child, neglectful parents, alcoholic father and narcissist mother. Two failed marriages and then the NARCISSIST. Like everyone else it followed the predicted path, me desperate my whole life for love, making excuses, believing everything that went wrong was my fault, the rows, violence …. you guys know how it goes. Eventually he ran off with someone else but not before ruining me financially… and now even after seven years without him and at 70 yrs of age I’m about to become bankrupt because of the debts he accumulated during the 20 yrs of marriage and for which I am jointly liable. For me it’s too late but please, please, please all you INFJ’s out there … if you even suspect you’ve met a narcissist then run as if the Devil is on your heels … BECAUSE HE IS!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

My mother's husband, not my bio-dad, is an extreme narcissist. He abandoned my mother legally about 5 years ago, but in my early years, I smelled a skunk and nobody believed the 4 year-old child. There was a lot of fighting and finger pointing and the adults demanding facts and explanations I could not conjure at the time. He was controlling, his words were law and my poor emotionally dependent mother, with abandoment issues, was completely hooked and blinded. After 5 years she still misses him and realizes that she really missed the younger version of herself that he mirrored. I watched with horror how he took a vibrant woman and made her into a sickly husk of a woman. "Dad was always working, dad was never available, dad was never in many family pictures..." many quotes that were just a reality. This person was not emotionally invested and shared his frustrations with the defeated child he tried to manipulate. He would express frustration that his children weren't as smart, charismatic or well-behaved as my mother's older children, he would tell me how if mom was ever successful in life, she would leave him; but eventually he was the one with the money and he left her. I told mom throughout my childhood you aren't married, you are living with a sibling or a friend because the romance was absent. I got scolded a lot for pointing stuff like that out. In my final days under his control I finally made him cry out of frustration; I ended the path of becoming a doctor because I felt I was being groomed/ manipulated in my field of study for my mother and his pride. Ultimately I was extremely angry that I had to go an embarassing name change at the age of 19 because he saw the doctorate at the end of the tunnel and he wanted to parade his trophy around. I am grateful for the food and shelter I have received, but I was not obigated to do anything for anyone. Especially after 15 years of being married to my mother, he then decides to adopt me and my sibling because of our future potential net worth. I married my INTJ husbad not too long after and I rubbed it in his face that he lost his thousand dollars and time adopting girls, who would just marry and take on their husband's last names. If you see a Narcissist, RUN!

I recently had a new experience with a narcissistic person. I shared my boundaries and called them out on their behavior and they "changed". It was immediate and they made some promises. They became attentive and seemed to honor these boundaries and listened when I would speak. What I didn't realize was that the listening, the change in energy, the seeming honoring of my boundaries was fake. It was like they switched up to allow me to get vulnerable and then when they got the info they needed they twisted it and used it against me.

Only solution too this problem for us learn on internet about narcissistic behaviours . The sooner the better ❤

I can now spot a narcissist a mile off and as a bonus i can turn on and off my extraverted feeling when i need to. It feels like a superpower now rather than the burden it always was (for 39years).

In my experience, it’s both the love bombing and the mirroring, however with me looking back it was the mirroring for me. I didn’t even know I was with a narcissist until about 3 years in, and now being the INFJ that I am, could literally teach a class on the subject of narcissism. Mine was a covert narcissist with antisocial and psychopathic personality traits. Fascinatingly exhausting, but worth it in the end.

Narcissists see "pathetic qualities" (in their mind) about you. You're giving, kind, and caring about people. They see this as a weakness instead of the truth, that you're emotionally mature and strong because they don't have those qualities. STOP trying to help Narcs. They NEVER Change and don't want to.

Oh my God!!! I wasted over 32 years with a narcissist!!! This is so very true in my case. I always knew I was weird and absolutely different from everyone including my entire birth family of 10. I am just now beginning to understand some things about myself -- thanks to your wonderful, clear spoken and easy to understand videos. If I can be of any help in any way, please let me. My narcissist's first hook was church but fundamentally food!!! I was poor and hungry when we met -- spiritually as well as just basic food to survive physically -- sick huh??? And all those years I believed I was fixing him because he had been treated so badly by past love interests. No one could be as loving and kind, etc., as me -- right??? So sad😢❤

And now 🥁... How does one keep having amnesia or the ability to keep finding these people? Because naive, trusting, hopeful doesn't begin to describe pretty much being cornered into relationships you didn't want to begin with... And at 53... I'm believing there are way too many people out there that just would never "get" me. We need grounding, reflection, hours of reading, introspection , not materialistic but a sunset that catches your breath (oh wait... That is every single one of them) the vibrancy of the leaves changing color, birds singing. Talk about buying shoes or makeup or can you believe that football player and singer? Nope. Don't care. Real talk. How to get to self actualization, transcend, energy, heal, cure, love 💕

Oh yeah, I have been through that, married to a guy for ten years and it took three years after we broke up for me to realize he was not a good man. I always had hopes for him to change, and still pray for him, still care about him (he's the father of my children, after all), but never want to be around him again until we're in Heaven and I can be sure he's harmless. Too much affection too fast. Got taken in by his lovely Scots accent, great build, and seemingly sweet nature. Met him in church. When we were engaged, he confessed that he "used to" be a heavy drinker. I asked him to promise to never drink alcohol again. He promised and then broke that promise twice before we married, but I was already hooked on him, it was only one glass of wine each time, I was ignorant about alcoholism, was raised by two very controlling parents, and I was very emotionally immature at 21. I overlooked the red flags. I did not think I was worth better than the kind of husband that he was. Plus, I had a narcissist boyfriend when I was 17 who was waaaaay worse than my ex, and I was grateful he wasn't as bad as this other guy. I always hoped we could get back to how things were in the beginning of our marriage, when we had fun before his biannual drinking binges became daily practice. I was devastated when I told him he had to go to AA or get out and he decided to leave me and the kids. This resulted in a nervous breakdown that lasted four months. I would have recovered sooner, but the boyfriend from my teenaged years showed up and it seemed he had changed, that he'd become humble. He really messed up my head when I was emotionally fragile and spiritually vulnerable. He was out for revenge because I eventually refused to go out with him anymore back then. Listening to him, coming under his control, sent me into a tailspin, but people prayed for me and I was able to break free from his influence. It certainly infuriated my husband that this man came around, though he had left me and was dating other women. He was unfaithful before then, as well. For revenge, he took off with my little children to another province and blocked me from having any contact with them for five years. God has helped me through a lot. I am still single and have not had a boyfriend in all this time, and have been much happier being just friends with men, than when I got more involved with them. I've had fun going hiking with them, or going out to restaurants with groups of them after church and engaging in lively discussions. That's about it. Now I live in a seniors' apartment building and I think there are some old fellows here who would like me to be their girlfriend, but I don't want them clinging to me. I really like being single and having a lot of alone time, nobody around to disrespect me.

I need to play this video when I'm standing in court, trying to explain the abuse... I have always known this is what's going on. To translate it to the court system is virtually impossible. And you can't just use the "N" word.

They mistake kindness for weakness and think they see their own personal doormat but they are in for a rude awakening, anyway imma keep being nice to everyone unless they start giving me reasons not to, then I'll slam the door on them , no more bringing negative emotions in my life, either they go or I will

5 yrs still trying to disentangle from off grid, narcissistic relationship,, a friend of 14 yrs, and this has spelled it out to the 't'...l left when he screaming in my face touched my nose with his- closest town 65 kms away, logging road...cannot wait to get out from under all of it. This education you've shared could have come in handy around 52 yrs ago! But now, fore-armed is great value going forward and am finally starting to heal. These guys are no joke, the cortisol from our 10 yrs together caused me to lose both breasts. Your description of the 'cycle' made me cry. Also my sister was one and 12 yrs older than me who 'helped' me leave home at 15 yrs old, was one...all rallied around her right to gobble both of our parents resources for her her lifestyle and her multiple children, and drama drama drama!n I got to the other side of the country to learn how to have a life. I'm 62, this last 1/3 of my life will be stellar and peaceful...loving LOL got a dog!😀😉

I was raised by a narcissist, so my husband became a familiar person to me immediately upon meeting him. He loved bombed me so hard it was scary. The discard was shocking, and it was true. He had been love-bombing another woman, and it was in black and white on our phone bill. Years later, our daughter caught him love-bombing another woman via text while she was sitting next to him on a plane. The dude can't stop taking advantage of Good Women. Monsters among us...

Found this vid while searching about INFJs. Honestly I really experienced the exact details of these 3 stages and it almost ruined my life 3 years ago. I did not understand and could not be able to crack the answer for a long time even I am in a happy relationship right now. Now my life gets better and gradually don't care about that narcissist at all. It is truly scary when I learnt that they are "The Cycle." I do wish her life gets better.

Meu pai é INTJ. Nunca me aceitou, desde de antes de eu nascer. Fui criada por meus avós. Morei com ele por quatro anos na adolescência. Logo queimei a ponte, pois ele me descartou cruelmente lá. Uma vez por ano ele investiga para ver se ainda estou destruída. Mas há três anos, Deus vem me dando Vitória!!! Nada que ele faz me atinge mais!!! E agora toda a família conhece o quão assíduo narcisista ele sempre foi para comigo!!! Ele não engana há mais ninguém. Eu venci quando o enfrentei. E foi muito fácil, se eu soube tinha feito logo!!! Não teria tolerado tanta devastação!!! Só lamento por ele estar se destruindo, muito mais do que tentou destruir há mim!!! Minha mãe também é narcisista, Mas como é ESFJ, não consegue me causar tantos danos como ele. Mas dá muita pena dessas pessoas. São muito destruídas!!!

Things that only infj can understand sometimes at an early age or sometimes years later but we are made to be those who stand tall to fall and rise up again the right one to do so! I'll believe that before a narcissist we walk so innocently looking at everyone thinking that they are so much like us ! Tell the lesson begins and fear disappears we find out who we are how valuable we are and the reason why we are made so different and powerful to face those characters in any environment! Against all odds raising victorious from evil! Proving the good is real and he walks around us! That's a fact 🎉❤

As an INFJ, a narcissist was attracted to me. It felt weird at first. She started to love bomb me. I was naive, I had never met a narcissist. My intuition warned me, but I decided to go with the flow. She basically mirrored my interests and values. She showered me with gifts. After I got hooked, the bread crumbing started and finally the discard phase. When I confronted her, she gaslighted me (classic). I saw her for who she was. Basically, it happened exactly the way you described it in the video. It really hurt, but I dodged a missile. Lesson: Don't move too fast when you're in a new relationship.

I was raised by two of them. I attempted suicide at 16. I had to suppress all feeling to survive, but missing out on the main thing that makes an INFJ life so rich and rewarding made me not WANT to survive. I’m doing much better now, but the trauma still chews me up inside on many days. Narcissists love INFJs and other empathetic personality types because we’re often so eager to volunteer as other people’s emotional caretakers and, for the sake of preserving the relationship, will often tolerate abuse and being blamed for the narcissist’s own faults and failures. It’s likely my mother was an INFJ, too, and I feel it’s important to point out that our personality type, as wonderful as it can be, isn’t immune to developing narcissistic traits. Decades of gruelling nursing work and a marriage to a bad man turned my mother into a thoroughly evil person. She was exhausted from being my father’s babysitter and brought me up, in turn, to be hers. I was abused for being ungrateful, spoiled, and cruel when I protested. My mother was Catholic, which I feel is worth mentioning; INFJs are already prone to being a bit stern on the issue of morals and principles, and this is not helped, in my opinion, by joining a strict religion. It can easily turn a selfless healer of the world into a cruel moral tyrant. It took me a long time to figure out that saving a little kindness and generosity for myself isn’t selfish, greedy, or immoral; it’s necessary to protect my mental health and avoid turning into the monster I’ve dedicated myself to fighting.

This is something surprising the way it happens to me ! Was in a relationship 💔 and at the same time in my work place simultaneously I'll was in so much pain from the breakup and dealing we to much people who was punishing me from every angle at my job ! The owner of the company knows he can't not get over my professionalism and dedication he was literally compiting even knowing he was the owner he felt powerless next to me ! And you know we can see those things ! Eventually I'll do the door slam and walk away from both parties and win my independence 🙏🏼

That was my biggest issue- accepting the uneasy feelings around this covert narc. Finally I did and my whole paradigm shifted- I thought i was traumatized by the person but now I see it was because a new way of thinking and seeing people had changed, Not everyone can be helped, nor can they change by our love. Some people are dark and like a void.

I know I should leave, but honestly I just want them to know they're a narcissist, and I can be resilient to their belitting of me. I can take a lot, and don't care. But I know they're gonna lose it everyday simply because I know. I like to say i live in a "cruel is beautiful life"

It is really crazy how the moment you start laying down boundaries they start the blame game or make fake promises to work with you on it. They never will. Also, so many narcissistic people are the same but different so it is hard to guard oneself from them. Female narcissists are much different than males.

Was in a relationship with a covert narcissist for ten years. Best nine years of my life. Only then did I begin to know how deep their shallowness can go. Always on the alert as I seem to attract them and vice-versa in some sort of co-dependency. The last one that almost happened kept trying to actually convince me that she too was an INFJ. It was the last thing she was.

Half a decade of my life, was wasted on a narcissist too so I definitely know the difference between a toxic person, an actual narcissist, and someone who is wounded

'The human magnet syndrome' by ross rosenberg changed my life. People will either accept your boundaries and change or you will find out they're a narcissist and you can quietly run away. ♥️ It takes many months to recover from your self love deficit but when you do... 😎 You get self esteem,you can be alone, you can express yourself and not care what others think of you. Heaven!

Wow great summary on the narcissistic link. I am vibing a lot with infj. I’ve been surrounded with narcissists my whole life.

To this day i remember when I've shared the song with my ex (narc), a very obscured underground band that is not popular by any means, and she exploded with love bombing on how much she loves this band. In my head I was like "I am like 110% sure you never heard of this band, what is this?". Needles to say, couple years down the road I am mentally broken, she does only what she want, probably cheated on me on multiple accessions, gas lighted me, tried to disconnect me from my family, expected to provide for her while only doing favors on her times...list goes on... And to avoid years of fruitless investments, all i had to do is just to pay attention to my intuition from the get go.

This is one of the truest statements I have heard in a long time. The explanation helps me enormously. I came to this conclusion myself after living through several relationships with this dynamic.

So true, I had a relationship with a narcissist... Except that I was able to see what he was doing, in the devaluing phase, so instead of adapting I was collecting informations about his insecurities and weaknesses, while he was projecting them on me... So I mirrored his insecurities and weaknesses, and projected them in a smart way, put him into triangulation, and dumped him just when he thought that I can't leave... INFJs are super smart.. It's true that we attract narcissists but we can always beat them on their own game

Thanks for sharing 😊

Okay this is scary … it seams like you have been recording my life . This exact happened to me with all the details you mentioned . You are smart you are TRUE I am impressed

Thank you so much Jay and everyone who genarously contributed in the comment section, this was an eye opnener and very informative ❤

Yes I have had a Narc predator in my life. I had no idea. Yes wasted seven years, lot's $$$, and almost my sanity. The devaluation and ultimately discarding happened as planned. And, yes, she was already love-bombing her next target.

The only reason why an INFJ would fall-in lo a relationship with a narcissist or an entitled megalomaniac is due to the lack of their own lack of understanding human behavior. Once an INFJ understands the how and why’s then they wise up and are able to make very great friends and can inspire others to be their best.