After a number of years of marriage, I went to my doctor with anxiety, depression and sleep issues. I also explained that I was in a toxic marriage. I was given prescriptions to medicate ALL of my symptoms. I eventually divorced, and all of my health issues went away.
@@cristinarosales6183 I finally got the courage to leave, with my two young children, and figure it out. I was able to stop taking the medicine that I had been taking for heart palpitations. I was scared, so afraid, of how I was going to pull this off and keep me and two kids out of poverty and not have to go back to the awful situation. I was so determined that there has to be a better life for me and my kids, there just has to be peace somewhere else, or at least not toxic and controlling. Whew. I got to be me, actually just be me. He hated me for leaving. I hated him for wasting so much time of my life. My life. Not his to take. Mine. I took My Life back. You can too.
Yup I feel the resentment. I treat others like I want to be treated so I expect the same from others and then I get disappointed and stressed every, single time....
And when you do put those healthy boundaries up, suddenly, the same people (takers) that you’re always pleasing accuse you of “selfishness” or the endearing “you’ve changed”
After years of people pleasing and feeling bad because others always wanted more than I could give - I decided to make myself the priority instead. Still kind - but to myself first - hallelujah! 🎉
Same here with me. Starting /learning to say NO. As African they’ve already tagged me “evil spirit possessed” . But I don’t really care knowing it’s coming from their ignorance. I’m doing more of ME, MY KIDS AND ME again. Call it selfish? It’s worth it. This video is highly recommended 👍🏻👍🏻
This episode should have three hundred BILLION likes this is powerful and extremely necessary This episode was SENT to me via email after awakening with lots of muscle tension everywhere and what feels like a knife in my shoulder… resentment, stress, pain, fear- we must deal with our shit. I am so grateful for these two beautiful souls. This episode should be shared all over!!❤
So revealing! It revealed an aspect of what I was so unaware about since it happen to me as an seven year old!! Wow!! What a unaware people pleaser I have become?
I am really a big people pleaser but now that I've gotten older I've started to swing the opposite way. Lost a lot of friends because of it. Its hard when we're trying to change for the better, for ourselves, but lose people we love in the meantime :(
when we initially change, we can sometimes swing pretty far on the pendulum. It just takes time to adjust our tone & emotional delivery of our boundaries so that we can both keep our relationships & be clear abt what works & doesn’t work for us. As we get more comfortable in knowing whats right for us, so too do we become more comfortable in our own skin advocating for it! You’re doing great. And yes, change sometimes has us outgrowing certain relationships, communities, jobs & experiences. While it can be hard & painful, in the longer run its usually less painful than being out of alignment with ourselves
It’s not sad! It’s liberating and empowering! You finally see your worth now and those that abused your generosity aren’t happy about this change. Let them go.
I became very physically ill during my abusive marriage. I don't know how, looking back, the doctors didn't think why is this 30 something woman this poorly. My health improved massively after we split. Things like high cortisol and blood pressure, diabetes, liver disease, Fibromyalgia etc
@@Doctorneha it was only through hearing content like this that I realised that the stress was causing the physical symptoms too. I'm 20 months free and still healing, physically and emotionally, but getting there. Thank you!
@@Doctorneha @the.toxic.phoenix - thank you both and Mel! Working in an Integrative Medicine health as a Nurse Practitioner and as a health coach, I collaborate with our patients/clients to , find the root cause and a remind them that 70%or more chronic illnesses are related to unmitigated stress. Having worked with a therapist a coach myself, I had to do own healing from decades of people pleasing and to realize that communicating my own needs and boundaries helped me be more authentic and compassionate. I am so grateful for this topic since it is a great reminder to continue to establish clear boundaries and speak my truth.
I went into my 22 year marriage healthy and came out with diabetes, heart disease and chronic pain. Here’s to better days ahead for those of us that absorb abuse stress so physically.
As a Christian, in my mid 30s I realized the only one that I need to please is God. Not my parents, siblings, friends, or husband. I was raised just like dr Neha in a Pakistani Christian community. Being the good daughter was so Ingrained in me that I had no identity of my own. I became so sick and developed Rheumatoid Arthritis. I started noticing that stress stemming from taking care of my extended family and meeting their expectations was causing my sudden flare ups & taking a break from those situations brought relief in my RA symptoms. A light bulb went off in my brain. That I needed to stop this nonsense of pleasing everyone around me. First of all it was never enough second of all they weren’t my god!!! I’m not created to worship these individuals. I’m created to worship ONLy the almighty God! I still love all my family but the focus is centered correctly now. And I feel all the better for it physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this deep and profound realization. There's a reason women are the ones with 80%+ autoimmune diseases- literally our own body's defense system turning on us! So when we are so focused on others, we have overridden our own bodies signals by saying yes to others and denying ourselves of what we need to feel well. Really powerful that your lived experience told you this! Kudos to paying such close attention.
I grew up in a violent home. I was an only child, and my way of surviving was to stay quiet and to be the perfect child. When I was about 5 or 6, my mother kept admonishing me for talking "baby talk". I now realize that I was talking "baby talk" as a way to keep myself smaĺl and under the radar. It worked for the most part. When I was about 11 years old and earning money to buy my own clothing, which I was told was the expectation when I was 10 1/2 years old, I calculated that the random beatings had reduced to "only" 3-4 times a year. People Pleasing gave me a feeling that I had some sense of control over my circumstances. I dreamed of a better life and for a way out of the violence, but there were no real solutions for my circumstances. What make me angry now, is when people on the internet say demeaning things about People Pleasers, accusing us of simply being somehow manipulative, weak and/or severely disfuctional. The reality is that I did what I NEEDED to do in order to survive in an incredibly toxic environment. Thank you for addressing this sensitive topic with compassion and understanding. ❤
So very sorry for what you went through. I totally understand your situation because I went through this also. I am 71 and still dealing with a lot of issues caused by this kind of upbringing. Wishing you ongoing healing ❤️🩹
'We become driftwood in the ocean, like we are going in the wind whatever direction it takes us' and 'the goal is to become a sailboat with a rudder that is influenced by the wind, but charts its own course'. I love this and I loved this interview! GREAT JOB Mel and Md!
Ugh I wish they taught this shit in school. I didn't realize this until my mid-40's but I'm so glad to be seeing it's starting to show up in the western medical model!!!
I wish it were in the western medical model. For me, it took a burnout breakdown to create the breakthrough. My dream is that we taught this in schools. It would be such an advantage for the leaders of tomorrow!
Once more, your timing is impeccable. I needed this episode so much this week after getting passed over for a promotion I totally deserved. When the department director called giving me a song and dance about how much they appreciate me but it came down to experience, then asked me a favor beyond my normal job duties/scope I jumped to say yes and be the good/dependable/go-to employee. I can see it now, I’m burning myself out and I have made myself physically unhealthy trying to be the perfect employee because being the go-to person makes me feel important and needed. The energy I’ve wasted on them, ouch. Thank you once again Mel, amazing content as always. I love you and your message!
jessicadelauderwoodward5923, How about getting a pay "bonus" for the extra work?! As a woman, I find we have to work 3 times as hard to get half the credit...
As soon as I mention something hurt me or I feel under appreciated my grown daughter tells me I overreact & get hurt to easily. When my very challenging 9 year old granddaughter doesn’t like something she needs to do, she too says I over react and need to just let it go ..She’s been becoming more and more resistant to anything I say, no matter how trivial. This morning she said mommy said you just over react.. I’ve been caring for them since birth and I feel devastated when I see the lack of appreciation, especially at such a young age. I’ve done therapy all my life so I’m very cautious about boundaries or undermining. I’m wound up so tight. I’ve got nothing left to give to please anymore.. I have a job interview on Monday & they will all have to learn to live without me being there with my overreacting 😢
You definitely need to establish firm boundaries with all of them. And you're a grandmother. You've done your job.focus more on yourself, especially with people who don't appreciate you.
This was right on time for me. I didn't realize I was a people-pleaser until very recently. I just considered what I was doing as "treating others better than I treat myself". But it wasn't that most of the time, it was people-pleasing. I learned a lot about myself from watching this episode and it's been life-changing! Thank you!
I think once I got the confidence & self esteem to ask for what I want & set boundaries I no longer fear the push back I am receiving. I see that as a good sign that others are finally listening to me & acknowledged I am changing.
Wowsa!!! You always have the best content and the best experts on your channel, Mel!!! Thank you doesn’t even begin to describe the gratitude for the education you’re giving us all. It makes me realize life can be fabulous at any age and that there is a way back to being happy. Thank you for providing the tools to help ourselves into fabulosity. I LOVE YOU 💕!!! I think I better dance now!💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽🎵🎼🎶
Wow!! Such a powerful and needed message…my middle name since I can remember is people pleaser. I am now 51 and extremely irritated with everyone and everything because I just want to do what I want!!!! Working on this and this helped a ton!
Hi my name is People Pleasing! Thank you Mel and Dr. Neha. This is very informative and applicable. The body does hold the impact of our behaviors. I’m sick mentally, physically, and emotionally from being a people pleaser. NO MORE!
I have been a people pleaser all my life and honestly it is so tiring. Also now at 50 I do feel resentment for running after everyone’s needs. I don’t know how I can change after a lifetime of this. Next year resolution will be not to be a people pleaser 😊
I am literally the same. I too have spent most of my 50 years people pleasing. I’m forever putting people first at the detriment of my own mental and physical health. Still doing it now, trying to help my parents (mum has Alzheimer’s). I can never say no to people even though no one does anything for me!
Yay you!! Fabulous ❤ in addition, I would offer phrasing your new resolution in terns of what you WANT ( rather than what you DONT WANT - I don’t want to be a people pleaser). If you weren’t a people-pleaser, what would you be? Someone who values yourself and includes yourself in the equation along with those you love and lead? Would you be someone who listens to your body, mind & heart’s communication? Or something else?
Ugh same here!! I have become extremely irritable as a result and I am working on just saying no! It is hard bc I feel like it’s disappointing people but I have to just be like oh well not my problem.
@@beckys2075 my mom is on the last stages of Alzheimer’s too. I am really sorry that you are going through this also but it’s something that needs to be done. This is stressful too. I look at my husband and he is so different….he just Carrie’s on with his priorities I think it’s really a female problem too.
Mel Robbins!!! You and your lovely guest have hit the ball OUT OF THE PARK!!! Wow! Such a great episode. You’ve opened my eyes. You’ve forced me not only to ask myself these questions, but to also consider these questions and to be mindful of other people’s, specifically my people pleasing daughters, motives and knee jerk reactions when they offer to help, to give, to do, to fix. I’m so truly grateful for how you open our eyes and minds and hearts to what is really going on with those of us who engage in people pleasing. I see one daughter in particular becoming mentally and physically I’ll die to people pleasing. She’s smart. She recognized that something was not right and sees a therapist now who is helping her immensely. Mel, thank you for helping me to recognize the sneaky killer that people pleasing really is. I just wanna hug you right now. And your doctor guest…such a lovely and intelligent woman. Thank you both! 🙏🏻
@@Doctorneha that was *mentally and physically ill, due to people pleasing*. I loved your story @Doctorneha. It brought back memories of my father’s impatience and how it affected me. You’re brilliant! Thank you so much! My family and I have been talking about this all day, and everyone is so self-aware and forgiving and loving. Oh the things you’ve set in motion today!
This coming from a woman who is a South Asian background! Kudos Doctor.. we the people from the subcontinent are taught to people please since we are children especially women.
Wading through cultural norms and trying to find your authentic self #bigdeal and it requires turning the sound of your own heart up slightly louder than you can hear the voices of others! I hear you sister!
Mel, I can’t tell you how much this episode helped me💎💎💎💎💎 I have so many notes and takeaways 🤭🖐🏾 As I type I’m playing back the conversation and so much of my life makes sense. Thank you for telling me “no one is coming” I’m still doing the work and the podcast are needed! I’m grateful you follow through on your goal! You knocked it out of the park!
The reason that we people please… and the fact that I will never achieve the desired result from people pleasing… trying to avoid confrontation causes stress, resentment , and ultimately a worse confrontation! Wow!! 🎉
Wow!!! Perfect timing. I just told my landlord that he couldn't speak to me in a belligerent demeaning manner. It was scary but I didn't back down. I now feel better. I have been afraid to speak up for myself and have swallowed my anger until it was making me sick and sleepless. I'm so glad I did it, and seeing this video a few hours later is just what I needed.
If you are a good tenant, you have the power. Its hard to find good tenants. So do not ever again let him/her disrespect you. You’re just a tenant to him, you do not have any other duty to him/her. But to yourself, you are everything!
I had a psycho land lord like that in Fort Lauderdale. He almost bullied the wrong tenant and broke into units when he felt like it and the resident wanted to shoot him
I absolutely love this!! Most of my clients anxiety can come from the inability to say no to others but stay uncomfortable doing everything. Im learning this and its difficult but so worth it.
I needed to listen to this! Wish I'd found you sooner to have found myself sooner because I've been feeling so lost and undermined for 2 decades; It's gotten toxic now.a
Add Fibromyalgia to the mix of diseases that can be caused by people pleasing. When your mouth can't make your true state of being overwhelmed/exhausted be heard and your body starts with all the pain to protect yourself from the outside and forces you to hide within. I was currently talking about exactly this topic with my friends ( did you listen in on our chat Mel?) How often we women are the ones being broken because we put our own needs last, trying to be the "good girl/daughter/wife/mum" and then end up with cancer, fibromyalgia, depression, burn out or mental illnesses caused by all the internal battle of giving too much and working against our own true wishes and our health. Thank you for this podcast ❤.
Resentment that builds after people pleasing not only comes from boundaries being crossed, or from putting yourself last, but also from the lack of gratitude given to the people pleaser after they’ve put in extra energy into pleasing a person or a group of people who didn’t acknowledge or appreciate the efforts that were made on their behalf. Especially if the people pleaser made an unacknowledged beneficial impact for them. The people pleaser usually wants the people that they are pleasing to be happy but for them to attribute that happiness to them and their efforts. When this doesn’t happen it feels like rejection to the pleaser. That is the part that hurts. That is the part that builds resentment. The lack of gratitude. The pleaser is left feeling like there was no reciprocal benefit, not even the feeling of them doing something good for another. The people pleaser usually goes above and beyond the norm, so they actually do exert a lot more energy than most people around them because their focus is outward to take care of others while still trying to take care of themself. When they don’t get the fuel they need to keep going they feel burned out, and if their efforts continue to not be acknowledged then that repetitive disappointment festers into bitterness. The people pleaser needs to please to feel accepted by people. If they aren’t pleasing it messes with them on an internal level. Resentment also persists when the pleasers needs are not met in return because the pleaser is usually pleasing a taker not another pleaser. People pleasers often anticipate the needs of others and it can hurt and feel like they aren’t loved if the people close to them don’t make extra efforts for them in return. I could be wrong, this is just my perspective on an aspect of this topic …I’m sure there is more that could be added to this but I’ll end it here. (My comment is based on this part: 29 minutes 41 seconds in) This is a really great subject. Thanks for this, very insightful. 29:55
Love you Mel, Dr. Neha and everyone out there. This bumpy life is our journey. But people like you Mel and Dr. Neha make the difference. I'm very much a victim of stress causing most of my health problems, categoriesd as fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, BP, mytrol valve prolapse 😂 to name a few... Love and light to one and all 🙏 😘💕
I 'accepted Jesus' largely because most everyone in my community was a Christian, and I wanted to be part of the 'cool club'. Walking away after 30 odd years was the most liberating thing I ever did.
5 Questions from the Doctor: 1. Why this, why has this part of your body broken down? 2. Why now? Why not 2 weeks ago? What’s the message that you aren’t getting? 3. What clues, symptoms , patterns that didn’t make sense, makes now a perfect sense to you ? 4. What else needs to be healed ? 5. If you spoke from your heart what would you say to me?
What’s the difference between a people pleaser and having to live with a narcissistic personality? Let’s get deep I have been suffering all my life with both. Father abusive, narcissistic, abandoned….mother a pleaser, pleaser, pleaser but never with me, ex-husband narcissistic and I’ve been the pleaser also, I’m in medicine. Thank you Mel and DoctorNeha
There are ways we adjust to our environment as children ( no choice) and then as we get older & we gain awareness & realize we do have choice, we get to strengthen our personal power within, heal those wounds & make v different choices! Just that you are asking the Q’s tells me ur ready to upgrade these relationships that haven’t felt satisfying ( or perhaps you’ve outgrown them?) you will know as you heal them.
I had same circumstances as a child .narcissistic father ,ppl pleasing mother ,mostly for survival. Iv attracted partners and some freinds similar but ,at 60 finally ,I'm setting stronger boundaries and while iv lost some ppl from my life ,iv kept the ones who truly matter.
OMG 😮 I just realised I much I’m a people pleasure… and how It’s difficult to deal with this inconfort to chose myself and said no! For result back, neck and shoulder pains, because I take to much on myself all this years! Thank you so much Mel 🙏🏽
I personally feel that helping people's okay but when it takes precedence over how it affects your life and your health you're not helping, especially you or your family if you have one helping people should be a wonderful experience not a stressful one it's okay to say no. Be respectful to yourself and your time and your family members or your friends and if the people you're helping are using you all the time they are not real friends because real friends help you as much as you help them it's reciprocal .
Definitely profound ❤ i am inspired. This makes so much sense! And the way Mel so beautifully drew together and articulated the key points really brought it home for me. Learn to embrace the discomfort and act from a place of authenticity. That's the take away i got. Gotta have those hard conversations, it's so worth it!
I do not take responsibility for other peoples choices and treatment of me or anyone else. Why? Because they know what is right and wrong, they know when they are taking advantage of someone, they know if they are a bully! Boundaries don’t control other people only respectful people will honor them. I have been shocked by people I never would have believed they could be so disrespectful. Maybe you live in a bubble somewhere of extra nice people and thats why you think we can teach people how to treat us. I must be around a bunch of slow learners😂
@@lisareid7043 I certainly don't live in a bubble.You probably couldn't have gone thru all the many things I have & come out as a peaceful person who also takes takes "some" responsibility in life situation's.Which U clearly aren't bcos nobody can do stuff to us unless we allow it. Hence me saying I have healthy boundaries to not even let anyone overstep MY "boundaries" ...you're obviously very angry. I get yr point for sure. For me though, U have a very unpleasant energy to have to let out yr unresolved issues U clearly have ,in such a negative time toward's some1 u don't know on RU-vid & laughing at them . Hope U at least feel better to get that off yr chest. Maybe now look in the mirror why you're so angry. I'm not responsible for what u've been through. Good luck with letting out yr bitterness on complete strangers U don't have to face in real life 🤣
Sabine, what I hear u saying is that how you treat yourself & whether you stand up for what you believe in or not allows other people to know what you will or won’t put up with.
It’s been a day since I listened & I can’t get over how deeply the sailboat analogy resonates with me. This was part of a life-changing experience for me. A Godsend …
The older I get I have come to realise that No has to be the answer. I am now 62 years young. For 50 years of.my life I have been the people pleazer...
In work teams there are functional and dysfunctional staff. Several leaders intentionally scope the talent and temperaments and then "exploit the best, who carry the rest". Excellent workers are often strategically groomed to burn out and those employees who "coast" simply watch and laugh. Setting boundaries with an employer is critical - maintaining those boundaries though can be soul sucking. Most people learn to set boundaries with critical, jealous and unsupportive birth family members but it requires so much therapeutic work. Then people partner up and try to help a loved one deal with the same thing. Setting boundaries has to be intentional and then sitting with the discomfort to keep reinforcing the boundaries is critical at work, with birth family and with in-laws. It is so helpful that we can create intimate inner circles of friendships - family that we choose. If you have to set a boundary with a friend, it might be time to re-evaluate the value of the friendship. If envy, jealousy, or time-stealing drama happens, it is time to bless and release them. Furthermore, if in any relationship, people intentionally lie to you or about you, it is time to eliminate or limit any time spent in engagement.
I love how clear you are about your values & your absolute lines in the sand. Each person must figure this out for themselves in order to navigate relationships clearly
When you were taken from your grandparents you felt like you must not have been good enough so you tried to become the best child you can be, the root of your becoming a yes person to be the best you could be so that they wouldn't so that no one would send you away again
Thank you so much Mel and Dr. Neha. I resonated with this podcast so much. When the doctor told Dr. Neha that her efforts were appreciated, it meant a lot. Most of the time I feel invisible. Pleasing others even 24 hrs is still not enough.
Such great insight. Thats often a sign to me that I’m not addressing the root of the problem…when I’m working hard and I still feel empty or disconnected. Then I ask myself, what am I trading of myself in order to belong? And what would belonging to myself first look like? Feel like?
My overfunctioning, people pleasing neighbor was smothering! She would not observe my boundaries. She brought food, plants over, offered to walk my dogs, set up a drip system sprinkler system in my front yard without being asked to. Etc. Overwhelming birthday and Christmas gifts. When i asked whatbi couldvdo firbher, she saud " you just have to be my friend" . (Transactional) When I set limits, she'd say, "that fells like a slap in the face!" *resentment)
Sounds incredibly frustrating. It's true that depending on what type of trauma we've had in our lives (and whether we actively work to heal it) - affects our boundaries. For some people they have experienced abandonment and they will do anything not to be left again. For others painful experiences cause them to draw very rigid boundaries that keep out the danger, but also don't let in connection, gratitude or love. So hard when it's one extreme or the other...all in an attempt to avoid pain, but often times ends up as the cause of additional pain.
This show came at the perfect time. I've been so sick lately and so stressed. I worry worry worry so much about people and how they'll react, what they'll think or say. If I do wrong I just worry. I want everyone else to be happy I don't think about myself at all. This is perfect thank you so much ❤️ ❤❤❤
I am the same always running after everyone needs and wondering if I offended anyone or hurt anyones feelings if I needed to say no. Seriously what is this about? Is it being too kind a lack of confidence what? Anyways if I figure it out maybe I can change alittle
The biggest changes I made to help with my people pleasing were 1) retiring and 2) moving away. Now that I don’t have co-workers and friends to please (I was a REAL pp) I can decide what it is that I want to do -and not want to do!!
@@rachellefromcali It wasn't until after I moved (leaving behind 36 years of relationships and history) that I realized I had been living in a toxic environment relationally. At first, I was really lonely, but over time (and joining CoDA, and working on my codependency) I was able to make healthy friend relationships. I didn't run away-I had no financial choice after retiring.
Omg. This couldn't have came into my life at a better time. I need to watch again. Resentment being bullied. All the things. Thankyou. Stomach issues. I suspected stress as the issue. I'm sure it is😕
This is a really good podcast Mel, and is a very eye opening experience for me, as I have been a major people pleaser all of my life as well. And have always felt like I don't fit in with the crowd, and I hate conflict, but at the same time I am a fighter for what I believe in. But I am surly guilty of being a people pleaser, and I would love to know what the root cause of why I am that way. And how I can overcome this issues in my life.
Reflecting back on my life & when I turned myself into a pretzel in order to belong…where I traded our authenticity for attachment, was my biggest clue.
It's fine if you want to put yourself first and not worry about others so much. On the flip side, people who make sacrifices to help others and find it fulfilling to lift up those around them shouldn't be treated as if they have some shortcoming. They should be celebrated and recognized if anything. Even the term 'people pleaser' sounds as if you are insecure or weak and can't stand up for yourself. This is a slap in the face to those of us who are trying to be good friends and family members. It isn't weakness it is strength. Everyone must decide for themselves what feels right to them. I'm not saying that anyone should cause themselves harm by trying to keep others happy. But a life well lived is different for each person and success is likewise defined differently for each of us. For an extreme example lets look at Trump. He is wildly successful by many standards but I feel that he has done far more harm than good with his life and is therefore a huge failure.
Thx for your perspective Joshua. I didn’t intend to communicate that People are people-pleasers just bc they help or support others, in fact what a wonderful gift. We live together. We need each other. And life is far more meaningful when we do serve each other! Its when we give up our own needs, wants & self-care to do it that it begins to undermine us. So, yes, point well taken & appreciate you!
incredibly insightful! Ive been diving into childhood trauma and learning about how those transform our lives in so many subtle ways. Ive been a conflict avoider all my life. I also felt unheard, especially if i expressed big emotions. I was loud as a kid and it was in order to get someone to hear me.
I have spent 34 years trying to make up to my son for some of the things my ex his Dad to him. As thanks for me spoon feeding him every step of his life he walks straight over me. But i finally told him last night when I caught him yet again ordering beer, take away food and cigarettes with my credit card that I am done with pampering him. I will not be giving him money making excuses for him when i dont even so much as receive a birthday or mothers day card or any of the other things I do. It was hard as I love him but I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia and still work full time whilst he claims benefit money and sits back saying woe is me. I will not be going back on my word either. There are others that i shall be getting honest with as well so Thank you to Mel and the Dr.
Totallyyyy relate !! just became aware and working on this , it was my way to be loved and appreciated , over now . thank you for taking care of this unconscious pattern !! love and light
I am a people pleaser I know, but working on it... I'd just like to say to all my fellows that STOP IT. :D it's not worth doing it. I didn't realize and stop it in time and my mind/body/immune system to "protect" me created an illness with symptoms that matched to my situations. After depression, lots of lows and more than 17 years' time now MS is my guardian angel. But believe me, it's better when you are your own angel.
Conversation with my 6 year old as I was watching this video: Her: Why does mommy like Mel so much? Husband: Because she’s smart and helps people with their emotions. Her: Mommy doesn’t need help with her emotions?! Husband: You don’t think so? Her: Probably be at because she listens to Mel so much!
This is so useful..I have been pleasing and I have learned so much from this podcast..Thanks to Mel and Dr. Neha for such great reflections and enlightenment on this topic..❤❤❤
The part of Dr Sangwan’s words that sent an electric shock up my spine comes at 42:28. I have seen a dozen doctors in the last 2 years looking for answers to several health issues. They don’t seem to be aware that they are showing anger when I don’t accept their solutions/medications without question. When I ask WHY? WHY? WHY? do I have this condition??? They can’t get me out of the office fast enough. They do not want me to participate in my health. What I hear is: “take the drug, get out and stop wasting my time.” Dr Sangwan is incredible. Thank you.
I never made decisions without my ex-husband’s permission, he was horrible at making decisions and messed my life with his and my future too. I will always take charge of my destiny from now on. Still processing marriage which ended some years ago.
"I needed to sit in the discomfort of another in order to be true to myself." -This was such a true statement that has changed how I view the relationship with my mother forever. Thank you for those kind words that I needed to hear on this particularly rainy afternoon.
Amazing content Mel and Dr.Neha. Superb insights ans reflections. Reinforces my belief (that has been always) that "nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission". Huge takeaways.....need to hurry off as I have people to whom I need to share this with ❤
When you're bullied from birth by literally everyone, starting with your family of origin, of course you people please. I highly recommend Pete Walker's book and work on CPTSD and the Fawn response. Only now uprooting mine at 56, finally.
This is amazing. A few months ago, I would tell people I didn't have a personality because I didn't make my own decisions. I stopped talking, I didn't do anything without my husband's permission. I thought that was the person I was supposed to become and I would feel fulfilled but I've never felt more resentful and empty and lost.
I'm so happy for you. I can't help wonderful what type of person our spouse, friend, partner etc. is when they seem to expect us to behave they way they want & never seem to see how we have lost ourselves trying to people please.
Hey Mel, good to actually see you as I usually listen to your podcasts in the car. I found your podcasts after a couple of short videos of yours on Facebook hit me straight across the face…… in a good way. Some of subject matters you choose seem to arrive just at the right time and hit home. Thank you 😊
25:32 ONCE A nurse,always a nurse.Add 20 yrs in ICU,MOM,pta mom ,room mom, team mom,Girl Scouts, volunteer,-- who am I here for !?? TYTY❤ although, I dont mind a good conflict occasionally;)
Like is it an abusive spouse you need to get the hell out of that situation but you don't tell them you're going to you just need to do it he never tell an abusive spouse that you're going to leave it it can escalate the situation to violence especially if there's children you always got to think about the safety of your kids if you can't think about the safety of yourself. If it's not a spouse and a family member well then you just got to decide to do you need to get away from that toxic stuff if you can if you can't you're living in a house with somebody who's just verbally toxic then you just have to understand that they've got it some sort of disorder and do what you need to do for your own life within moral reasoning of course
When I sacrificed myself in order to help my parents and care for them at time of need , my business partners took it as a sign of weakness.. I limited my work involvement to necessary income level I needed. But I did what pleased me. I am at ease with myself, this gives me sanity and physical health. My priority is Family, relationships, time spent with the people, etc...., and a good working environment. My decisions are motivated by these principles, avoid internal conflict. 🎉😊 good interview, wonderful lecture Thx A LOT.
That cause they know you will cave. Teach ppl how to treat you. If your NO stays NO full stop it will change. They will change. You have the power. Practice using it. Practicing to stay through negative emotions rather then wanting them to go away can help. They may illicit shame, guilt & anger. Try not to identify with the feelings you have when you feel them just observe them. The fire breathing dragon you look at turns into a gecko. And sooner than later they will have no hold on you.
@@beewest5704 very good advice. Thank you for your reply as I will use your advice and stick to my word when it comes to challenging situations like this. 🙏🏻 thank you
Thank you for the wonderful podcast.very useful topic, well articulated, in depth details without unnecessary talkings. Finally thanks for the finishing line "I love you" I love you doctor.wish you all the best.
What if we can’t pin point exactly what happened in our childhood that caused these habits or fears? I also have a very very hard time letting go of relationships, friendships and the loss of somebody in my life will effect me the same way today as it did the day we stopped talking. I will stick through some pretty unhappy situations just not to lose a person. I also completely connect with people pleasing I think it has completely destroyed my current relationship we’ve been together 6 years and I have enabled his wrong choices, I’ve shown up and covered all the bills when he doesn’t have the money, I don’t say no to avoid conflict. I still love him very much but there is so much resentment and at this point I feel like I am being used and walked all over and he doesnt have to be accountable for anything in the relationship. But like I said there were things in my childhood I remember feeling and I just can’t remember any specific times something happened to me to cause those feelings.
Wow. Thx for your honesty. There are so many different ways you can heal. Through good books, podcasts like this, live workshops & more. Notice what resonates most & keep going & learning!!
