Well, yes, sounds like a contradiction. His main point is that 'red flag = breakup' is being used as a predictor for a breakup, and imho, is a massive limiter for growing a successful relationship. I'd even say that if someone breaks up regularly because of 'red flags' (which is subjective on all but things that you are legally not allowed to do), then they may be instead developing a fantastic relationship with hubris, loneliness and non-active listening. Being in the cauldron of a long-term relationship with two parties whose intent is to move forward, is where advancement is forged. Perpetually single people with a long lists of how others failed is all you end up getting out of the other investment. Me having red flags, which I may have and probably still have, hasn't stopped me from having a mostly functional family household, that is, not dysfunctional occupying a majority of our space. Same with my wife. If I was to start all over again, it would be "when sh1t gets real, how resilient are you to stay present and move to solutions?" Many aren't up for the challenge. Some are, and I got one of those. She's not perfect, never will be, and that's OK. Good enough means good listening and realising your part in a problem and working to solutions works as a daily regulator of our environment, and a template to keep moving ahead. If others fail to get real about life, and follow that article that lead in this video as gospel truth and a 'crutch' to lean on to guarantee safety (not adventure), well, I dunno, good luck I guess. What a mindset to live in.
I don't think the point was that there are no red flags. I think the point was that red flags are subjective and situational. In the context of a relationship there is at least two people in the relationship, who both contribute to the overall health of that relationship so when looking at something in your partner that might be a red flag, you also have to consider what you may have done to raise that flag.
My takeaway: -A lot of things that people think of as red flags today are just things people can work through in a relationship -Treating animals like shit is an example of an actual red flag
I think most of these should just be called "yellow flags" cause when I learned about the term "red flag" it was always referring to signs that someone was a potential abuser.
Red flags by Dr.K's definition: 1. You try to fix your problems through a relationship 2. You find yourself making excuses for the other person 3. There are lopsided compromises
TL;DW: red flags are not death flags. Red flags are a call to an honest discussion of boundaries in the relationship. You don't need to break the relationship ASAP.
Have enough of them though and you have to be honest that you might just be in a minefield that's not worth walking on eggshells for. As adults you come to realize there starts to become less and less valid to stick around someone with red flags
@@xXx_Regulus_xXx Nah dude, 50 mins, thats too much. Obviously the right course of action is to just treat the title as a topic starting point and start blasting in the comments section with no regard to the content of the video!
@@notanenglishperson9865 I don't think the root comment was made for people who didn't watch the video to discuss, but for giving info so you don't have to spend 50 minutes watching the video.
I'm really glad that drK talks so much about healthy relationships and how you can make your relationship healthier and have better communication. As someone who was raised in a toxic environment, where pretty much every relationship example I've had around me was abusive, THAT's what I need to learn. I don't need the billion videos about narcissistic abuse and neglect, that's all I know, I was raised in it. I need to learn what healthy conflict solving looks like and how it feels to be in a secure and loving relationship.
Yesssssssssss, same. Ive gotten lucky with a couple good partners now as I've been deconstructing what I thought relationships were. My mom always used to tell me love was a feeling and love was only love if it was easy. Learning that breaks and repairs are normal and healthy parts of relationships (friends too) has helped me so much. I no longer feel so abandoned/endangered when any conflict occurs 😅
Super relate to this. A lot of content like that seems to just be priming people to feel paranoid and disempowered when it may really not be appropriate. Having PTSD for example it can really feed into unsustainable survival mechanisms and justify keeping them instead of unpacking them and healing.
@@sethk5396 Yes! this and also in my case listening to this kind of content just made me ruminate and obsess even more over past situations and kept me stuck, not knowing how to even look ahead.
@@sethk5396 That comment was very helpful! Thank you! That makes sense now that you say it. I need to find examples of GOOD relationships, not just figure out how my bad ones were bad. I'm left with a void of not knowing what a good relationship looks like.
I had been busting my brain open, worrying about my relationship reading all these articles. But thanks a lot for this video, now I know I don't need to take those articles so seriously.
Hey... Listen to yourself and not the internet ;) all they want is to make you worry and read the whole thing. It's like horoscopes pal. Someone makes shit up that basically applies to anyone and pretends they solved relationships. Talk with your partner about things that are worrysome for the two of you, not some abstract artificial bullshit. :) Have a nice day
ye i stopped watching psych2go after a while, at first i was intrigued since i really like pschology but they don't seem to be explaining their claims and i can't just run around assuming things all the time, i don't get very much educational value from them :( but you do the explaining and it has been really helpful so hey don't mind if i listen to hours of your stuff :>
Absolutey the same here. Psych2go was a nice introduction to "pop-psychology" (idk what to call it) that I binge-watch and it was warming/cute to see, but even though their team consists of actual professional volunteers, it seemed very generalizing and non-scientific sometimes
No joke no trolling, I got more depressed after watching psych2go videos. They explain why you might get x problem bit doesn’t tell you how to get over it or get better. It’s basically like dr google…
I used to be subbed to Psych to go's channel but I stopped watching because their lists are so general I started to panic that I was a narcissistic. The trouble with a lot of these lists is they're designed to be relatable and lack nuance.
Ah so im not the only one 😩 Ive panicked about this for months and my friends dont rly help me feel better because they go, "well, youre not that extreme, but..."
This is why you need to assess the professionalism of things you watch, and not just go for the easy content. Easy to watch, nicely produced, and relatable are red flags :^)
I think red flags are important to look out for, not to break up at the first sign of it, but to keep track of them and then look at the bigger picture. When we date a person we have feelings for then we tend to look at things with rose tinted glasses and the person can do no wrong. Which in turn often leads to toxic behaviour because you invite them to jerk you around and you were not seeing it or in straight up denial after seeing it. They are warning signs, which just means you should slow down a bit and be cautious. You dont need to cut the relationship immediately, but dont just tunnel vision on everything which looks good from the outside.
Right. 100%. I try to make note of warning signs but still be open to working on them and solving them. I try to think "at what point will this behavior be too much / an actual dealbreaker for me" and use that to figure out what boundaries I need to stand my ground on. I wanna give chances but still know when walking away is appropriate for me.
When I first met my now wife, her face was caked in make-up. According to a certain "intellectual" I was listening to, that was a major red flag and I was ready to write off the whole thing. Just went through with the date for the person who set it up and move on. I almost avoided a loving relationship because of one person's sweeping generalization. Edit: Should clarify. This was long before the all the current red/black pill mess. The intellectual was a religious figure. Story is in replies.
Women: "I'll go with makeup and nice clothes because if I go without them, I'll be presenting myself as sleazy and I'm not sleazy." Redflaggers: "If a woman uses makeup and minds about her clothes, she is trying to present herself as something she is not"
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 I don't know what Peterson has said about makeup, but I have seen quite some people say what the "redflaggers" in my reply said. You find it when observing Redpill, MRA and Incel content.
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 Mister Priority76 doesn't differentiate between JPs words and incels who follow him who never read any of his books, I have a sneaking suspicion they never read JP either, nor have talked with someone who did.
On the making excuses... I caught myself doing that for my wife. She was exceedingly short tempered, and downright mean a huge majority of the time, and I'd say "Oh, it's anxiety, depression, her soul crushing job, etc", and I knew I was making excuses, but I also felt like I was right and that the situation was definitely improvable. She started going to therapy, started an SSRI, changed jobs, and she's the coolest woman in the world again. Things have been increasingly awesome for like 2 years now. So what happens when the excuses are legit reasons and are solvable problems? Edit: I should have watched the whole video... We definitely did talk about it, and I did hold her accountable while trying to remain supportive and understanding, and ... it clearly worked out =)
Man I feel this on the dependent part. My last two relationships were not the healthiest from both sides. From experience with social rejection and bullying throughout most of my childhood and teen years, I find it really hard to accept that someone likes me. When it comes to romantic feelings, I have crushes very rarely but when I do and it is reciprocated, I become infatuated and dependent. I need constant assurance that the other person likes me. Problem is, this clinginess drives them away, so my anxieties become true and are reinforced. It didn't help that I was lead on by these people, their communication skills and lack of emotional intelligence only made the situation worse for both of us.
As a person who has had issues with neediness and loneliness, I would suggest trying to work on being independent, improving confidence, and trying to have a life (hobbies, events, etc.) outside of your relationships so that you can be less engrossed by them and have something else that enriches your life; these things should keep you occupied and put less pressure/stress on you for your relationships to work out. Good luck!
i hate when people call things like cheating or abyuse "red flags". "Oh he hit you? Girl thats a red flag, be careful!" NO thats not a red flag, stuff like ceating and abyuse are the things that red flags warn you about. Red flags are small indicators that something in the relationship is very wrong, for example if your partner get extremely angry and heated during small arguments. THATS a red flag, if they straight up hit you or cheated then thats not a red flag, it IS the problem in the relationship and you should leave.
Not even those things are quite deterministic, though. Someone cheating and the couple managing to work things out isn't _too_ rare to hear about. A wifebeater reforming before losing his wife is less common, but I think that happens occasionally too?
What about relationships that were saved even after a beating or a cheating episode? I know you guys like to pretend reality is a simple thing just like the internet told ya, but situations like that 100% exist and I’ve personally seen people happily live to old age together even after those things happened. They weren’t easy on either part. People are humans, after all. Gilt and anger are both emotions that, while they don’t justify anything, explain a lot of stuff. Hell, shit like this isn’t even UNCOMMON. I would even have a hard time calling it an exception, to be honest. It’s weird to me that we live in a time in which forgiveness isn’t even seen as “unlikely”. It’s straight up ruled out.
I had a girlfriend that didn’t like that I didn’t message as much as she wanted me to when I work a lot. I told her so many times that I was busy with work and it got to be too much. She kept having so much time to herself and had mental problems that I couldn’t help with no matter how much I try to reassure her that I didn’t feel like she thought of me as just someone to be there to comfort her when I wanted her to be an individual and not rely on me so much. Instead when I brought up my concerns about her constantly needing reassurance I was the asshole and I get all the insults when I’ve never done such a thing to her. There are too many people that have not learned is that relationships aren’t to just feel better.
So you dated my ex too. You were being parasite leeched by a selfish, manipulative, needy and weak person who readily disrespects you to get what they want while giving you none back. Accusations and attacks actually. They only cared about their well-being. I dumped her twice. One goes for you king. I rejoice hearing self centered parasites being dumped since they always readily abuse the drained BF when he's drained to get what they want
It seems so effortless how Dr. K phrases these hypothetical conversations that are so non-judgmental and reasonable. He embodies what I wish I could say during tough conversations with a potential for high emotions. Instead I end up accidentally phrasing things that make myself seem callous or insecure
that’s the beauty of his videos, they teach the long forgotten art of quality communication. you’ll get it with time, but i fully believe it is not effortless for dr.k, he’s an incredibly educated and spiritual man. Got about as much effort into that field as you can get 😂 You’ll get it with time :)
Dr k went to school and studied communication for years. His whole life can only work if he communicates well to his patients, otherwise the therapy is useless
My psychology college had an intimate relationships course. It was so incredibly valuable, I was surprised this wasn't just common core curriculum for high schools. Of course there were some higher level concepts you need to study basic psych for, but I feel even an intro version of the course could do wonders for society.
@@ash486 The chapters were divided into types of relationships. We used the Intimate Relationships textbook by Rowland Miller. We talked about friendships, dating, marriage, attachment styles, investment models, theories of attraction, relationship termination, and the famous love triangle. All kinds of stuff. But it was nice because once you got to understand the science, they required you to apply how those concepts could help inform example scenarios.
@@corneliahanimann2173 of course! It's pretty well written for the most part. It is pretty expensive if you end up buying it but it's a fantastic primer to relationship science. The real truth here is that relationship science is relatively new, so we know a lot but there's a lot to learn.
I've been battling addiction most of my life, and I always tell myself "when im not addicted is when I'll be ready to date" since it's a general red flag. So the idea about red flags being issues but not necessarily deal breakers has been comforting.
Yeahhh, but being an addict and trying to juggle a relationship is a very precarious thing. Specially since relationships tend to trigger us and our emotional responses. Additionally, addiction isn’t just a red flag for some people, it’s a firm deal breaker. As someone that struggled with addiction in my early 20s I know that my low points only caused harm to my partners. I have dated several addicts and see how draining it can be as well. I wish the very best for you and hope you get yourself sorted. You got this!
It's kinda the same thing with cutting "toxic people". Instead of trying to understand the other person people will judge you based on a certain negative interaction disregarding your situation, it's so easy to replace friends and nothing feels real anymore.
I've ended some friendships in the past few years because they felt one-sided. I'd bring up my concerns but nothing changed. It's really hard to stay in relationship with people who don't put effort to maintain them. :/
I often find myself looking at things in hindsight, and I don't always like being told or having it suggested that the situation I'm in, whether it be at work, with a girl or something else, isn't what I hoped it would be. Sometimes, I like to "fight" to re-enforce my own narrative, instead of cutting my losses and moving on. I guess this is called a sunk-cost fallacy.
people have misunderstood red flags as red lights, as in STOP. red flags are warnings, and not all warnings are the same. like abuse or animal torture are like death warnings on a mine field. most red flags are like 'look both ways before crossing' signs. so you cant say you didnt expect someone to be so selfish when you passed a bunch of selfish flags beforehand
YES! Red flags are so blown out of porportion in the modern dating scéne. Thanks for adressing this! If people could give each other a chance despite a "red flag" maybe love could be waiting around the corner which a lot of people are so desperate to avoid. Discussing and taking care of "red flags" can actually really strengthen a relationship and be a beautiful thing. (edited: I'm really really really glad to hear someone talk about this! You don't know how much i've been ghosted or blocked after being vulnerable and honest about struggles in my past.)
YES! Red Flag articles are a perfect example of the confluence between randomized, potentially bot/algorithm-written articles that don't know/care about you as an individual and just prey on your biased preconceptions, and the modern dating world's tendency to throw anything away that only "95% works," for the chance that something might "100% work." All these things make us pickier, less insightful, and (arguably most importantly), more unhappy than we would have been otherwise.
I have one massive red flag: Someone who's incapable of understanding your needs, and even when you (or someone else) is trying to explain it to them, they don't seem to get it, at all.
About 80% of your idea is good, but I feel like I need to point out the other 20%: It should not be "trying to explain", it should be "explain". It is important that we put high standards on ourselves in terms of how we explain ourselves - and referring to it as "trying to explain" makes it too easy for us to excuse our passive-aggressiveness, or our vague explanations as "trying to explain", when we really didn't do a good job of explaining ourselves.
@@highdefinist9697 I agree, and maybe I should have been a little less vague and said that I'm talking about gaslighting, or a very consistent lack of understanding and support.
This thread is a concise lovely well-crafted little shining example of perfect "let's make counterpoints to edify and clarify ourselves and each other, not to fight" discourse on the internet. I know it's a very simple example but it's still just so pure and exact. I frickin' love the community this channel and this whole psych corner of RU-vid attracts. You're both good humans, gold stars for you!
How many of these "needs" are you trying to force onto unsuspecting people and do you ever worry about draining and selfishly using people dry as emotional tampons while possibly giving nothing back besides demands and expectations?
I really needed to see this today. I know that this video was mostly about dating relationships but it definitely pertains to friendships as well. A friend of mine has become increasingly codependent and has been relying on me for a ton of their emotional support. They have some health conditions that make everyday life a bit difficult and they are dealing with being unemployed as well as frequent injuries due to their living situation (long story). The only things we ever seem to talk about are their problems and worries and I had been considering ending the friendship because it's exhausting. But I think I'm going to try talking about how I'm feeling and try to set some healthy boundaries. If things don't get any better then I can always reevaluate the situation and decide if the friendship is worth saving.
Definitely set boundaries, try to put yourself first. Do your own thing, invite them if they dont want to continue to do your own thing without them. That's totally ok, give yourself space
💯💯I feel targeted with every video about ADHD! I'm oversharing these videos with my people too, like dr. K knows better what is going on in my personal life than my Instagram-feed does.
I'd thought I already looked at my situation from the outside but wow. It hurts so bad to realize you may be the bad one or you need to leave someone that you feel like you need.... I simultaneously feel heard and hopeful but also scared and hopeless
The bots are possibly getting instantly deleted, because more often than not my own comments in the videos have 1 reply but when I look at the replies there are none. And there was one comment of mine that had me and other guy talking in Greek and this comment disappeared, possibly because RU-vid thought the replies were from bots due to them not being in the same language as the video and the overall comment section. If this is the case, then RU-vid is finally doing something for a change.
I think another "internal red flag" could be inability to express how you feel. If you can't communicate honestly within your relationship, I think that should be cause for concern and it's always been a sign of an unhealthy relationship from what I've seen in others. Not to say it can't be fixed like the other issues mentioned, but definitely shouldn't be ignored IMO
Such a necessary video. I was having a similar conversation with a friend of mine recently: People think red flags are signalling "stay away", but that's ridiculous! All a red flag signals is "look here". Why? Because sometimes, when you look in that spot, you find a problem! And as for all problems you encounter, you get to choose how to deal with it. For a red flag, finding a problem entails a difficult decision; for a yellow flag, merely a challenging one. Is that a vague summary? Sure! Because life isn't **/r/RelationshipAdvice**, and anyone who tries to simplify out interpersonal complexity is going to end up simplifying out...interpersonal interaction. Example: "this person is too agreeable/too good to be true" is a red flag for me. Why? Because I have known several people with certain personality disorders, which manifest in a "perfect" public face that belies their tendency, in private, to wound me deeply: these are the scars of my past trauma. But 90% of the time I meet someone who raises this flag in my mind, I will be able to dismiss it within hours, or even minutes of getting to know them - my initial wariness is most often just an incidental effect of "first impression" culture. And if every individual red flag for every individual person is that specific and personal...then yes, talking about red flags in the general sense requires a lot of vagueness.
Absolutely true. "Red Flags" are really just problems that haven't happened yet. And the thing with seeing problems in advance is that you can work against them. Only if preventative measures fail or the flags get ignored does it actually mean that it's over. In this perspective, I want to offer up a slightly different interpretation of Red Flags vs. Yellow Flags. Rather than categorizing them by how hard they are to work through, I'd categorize them by how serious the consequences of not dealing with them are. Some problems can be easily addressed but will destroy a relationship if left unchecked. I'd still call those Red Flags. Other problems are nearly impossible to work through, but will ony put some amount of strain on the relationship and do not necessarily spell its end. That's still a Yellow Flag for me. Of course, solving them is a good thing, and they can become Red Flags if other factors come into play, but a relationship can easily run it's course to its "natural" end without them reaching critical mass.
After talking to a man for one week he post on Facebook he is in a relationship with me without telling me - red flag - boundaries , no empathy for how I felt about this ,
Honestly dr k is debunking alot of culturally accepted things, alot of people use this notion of red flags to gauge a partner. But he's throwing it all out the window.
I really loved this video. It made me realised that I am the clingy highly dependent person. Dr K’s analogy of the child scared of the dark is the exact feeling I get when there are gaps in time away from my crush/bff. The anxiety can be debilitating not knowing when I will see them again and if I will ever see them again. Though we do eventually meet up again. Definitely need to learn how to deal with this anxiety. Abandonment issues causing me to freak out and become a clingy person has held me back from finding and forming a real relationship. The anxiety is unfounded fear but my brain is constantly hijacked with negative self talk also stems from very low self esteem. Well peace out y’all. Wishing everyone love on the channel. Here’s to self improvement.
OK, this made me want to read actual research instead of random websites on the internet with titles like "X signs you are experiencing Y". Thanks, Dr. K! This was very interesting.
List of all the questions in "Questions" Chapter of the video. 32:08 Contribution ratios (60:40) 33:14 World view compatibility 34:58 Lingering red flags in a relationship 36:48 Covering for your partner 38:30 People assuming red flags about other people (i.e. you) *Dependant Partners section* 40:28 Dealing with increasingly dependant partners 45:12 What to do when escalation leads to anxiety/panic attacks 47:42 If you're the dependant one 49:14 Knowing the right amount of seperation 49:29 Ignoring thoughts about them during the seperation I found myself wanting to go back to some so I figures this'd be helpful. Also if I missed a question or if you have a better title for the timestamp let me know :).
2:11 If they claim that all their exes were abusive, or if they never talk about how they contributed to the breakup of their previous relationships, that is actually a very serious red flag that you should not ignore. Not unless you want to end as another one of the "abusive exes' in the long list. It speaks to an inability to self-reflect and accept accountability for one's own choices. How well do you think you can have a professional relationship with someone like that, let alone an intimate one?
I got a dozen red flags from an exboyfriend on our very first date, which was at the mall. His first words were ridiculing me for not waving to him, and as he walked through the mall he called a 50 year old woman a c*nt so loud, the entire mall heard him. I STUPIDLY dismissed his behaviours as him just being nervous. Long story short, it was the most toxic on again/off again relationship of my life, lasted a month until he assaulted me in his bedroom, and I put my foot down, told him off, said goodbye forever, and blocked him on everything. He made new accounts to tell me he misses me, but I didn't engage to any degree, I didn't even click the messages to display they have been read. Haven't heard from him since last August.
I'm only seven minutes into the video, but it feels like Dr.K is dismissing the entire concept of red flags, and how many are legitimate. He's focusing too much on some blog post that hyper-fixates on subtle differences between individuals being misconstrued as red flags. It feels like Dr.K is reading a tumblr post that claims "microaggressions" are actual assault, and then dismissing the idea that anyone could ever make sly, under-handed comments about or to another person is impossible. But like I said, only seven minutes in, and it's a fifty minute video. But I haven't heard him suggest some are true and should be considered... it feels like he's saying seeing a red flag, at any level, is on you.
I mean seriously... it's my fault he yelled at me in public as his first words, because I didn't wave to him? He didn't wave at me. We saw eachother and approached eachother, and I happily said hi only to be berated for not waving. Come on.
The more I listen, the more it seems Dr.K is blaming me for not being an equal partner or he's insinuating I facilitated this guy being the way he is. Sorry not sorry, some red flags are real, and this video so far is doing a bad job os discussing them. Seems Dr.K is exclusively coming at this from micro-managing blog posts. It's feeling similar to me, the whole arguement that, "Everyone who died drank water." or, "Bad people drink water, so drinling water makes you suspicious." It's flat out bad. Butno human is perfect. Dr.K is not perfect. I'm still watching the whole video, staying subscribed, respecting him, etc. But he is not giving a good take on red flags with this video so far, now 12 minutes in.
@@Bendilin The way you're interpreting it is valid but at the same time, I feel the point he's trying to bring is that "red flags" are more nuanced than people give it credit for. In your case the person in question was being quite obnoxious at what it seems the first time you guys were getting together and that does give a sensible person reason to be skeptic because in most social situations people just don't really behave like that on the first date. So i'm with ya, but hope at the same time you don't base every single assumption of what dr.k said based on this specific interaction, because I believe there's a lot of wisdom to take from it! Cheers
@@bab2030 This is why I love this community. Everyone is very civil no matter how much they may disagree or do not see one another's perspective. Thank you for your reply. 💗
Genuinely the two red flags that can't be dismissed are when your partner is lying/being disingenuous, and when they treat other people like garbage compared to you (cashiers, servers, even their own family).
I don’t think those are just relationship red flags, though. I don’t want to even be around people like that, much less in a relationship with them. Those are just HUMAN red flags.
@@secreqet4617 Lying would be too much if you detect a pattern, or they are lying to cover up something that shouldn't be lied about (e.g. cheating). There's a difference between white lies here or there and pathological behaviour.
I had a partner who i was completely devoted to, dated them for a long time. They thought i wasnt prioritizing them because i wouldnt tell them my plans to marry them and kept quiet for a few months while i saved up. i'm still trying to cope with the breakup lol
@@Vickynger to be fair, we dated long distance for over 10 years and i was dealing with trying to quit drugs and alcohol so i could be more aware like they wanted. Speaking of red flags, i wish they had told me all their issues with me isntead of keeping it inside for 7 years while i was trying to cope with death of a loved one.. which is how i got into the aforementioned problem. I'll quit rambling but please have a good day and cherish those close to you!
@@SemekiIzuio hard to do that when the relationship started at 13 and ended at 28 😆🤣😂 she was there for me at my worst and my best, and i was there for hers. there were a lot of things wrong over the years but im mainly hurt that i lost my only best friend. We were both very red flaggy and we hung on, but it ended. Me suffering from delusions caused by schizophrenia made everything harder as i got older, so it was good that she decided to leave.. i am no saint. Rambling aside, yes, i agree ppl need to work themselves out before dating.. Take care of yourself, i wish you well
This video was very helpful to me, especially the discussion about dependency at the end. I have a tendancy to become a bit too dependent with my recent romantic interests and this really put a lot of things into perspective. I still have things to work on and this video touched on many subjects. Thank you!
I am glad I see a relationship as something where 2 people change and grow together this just reinforces that perspective which I hope is a good view on it.
r/AskReddit often has questions on red flags and I've found that a lot of answers are either the vague Psych2go stuff or a traumatic experience that the person hasn't been able to move past. This is incredibly helpful in knowing what to look for others and especially in myself.
Talking about dependency- I am a person w. multiple handicaps - and I worked very hard to over compensate - and it never worked.• So I’ve been living single for a very long time now. > Do you think - bc you’re a doctor - it’s good to advise people to NOT accept any dependence ? And - if so , should persons like myself w.disabilities accept a life of solitude? > From what I hear in this tape - Dr. K is advising people to do things like he does. • Halleujah. > But since we are all unique individuals- I would recommend- try & work out your own situations- your own way. 😀👍🏼
Red Flags seem to be retrospective, like oh the relationship failed I should have known because of this thing ages ago. But if the relationship succeeds the same thing that happened ages ago never needs to be labelled a red flag.
That's because the very idea of a "red flag" is flawed, like Dr. K was saying. Red flags shouldn't be "if they do X, go find someone else" because people change, but because they're thought of as deterministic people usually won't ever openly identify them in their current partners.
I think setting clearly defined lengths on how long you want to take a break or have some alone time is great advice in general, not just for dealing with emotionally dependent people. I've definitely watched this go down with people who are conflict averse or passive aggressive and have learned to use the silent treatment to get their way, similar to stonewalling as a tactic, and I think it's good to make sure it doesn't become an easy out. Like putting people on indefinite cooldown until they are more "agreeable" to seeing things your way is very different from setting healthy boundaries, or taking a clearly defined break to collect yourself and focus on your own needs. You'd think this would be obvious, but based on my experience it really isn't for everyone!
I needed to hear this. Because it's true...red flags and going around accusing everyone of being a narcissist is almost ensuring that you remain single and miserable forever. Real relationships are about accepting your own and the other person's short comings, being honest about them and putting things in place to mitigate the harm they cause, then working with your partner to grow through these issues and get better. Also, toxic traits sometimes compliment each other...so the rest of the world might hate you but you might have the most amazing relationship ever!
THANK YOU! This needs to be talked about way more! Can't tell you how anxious I get being bombarded with posts like this all over social media and I have always had such a hard time (since I was a kid) noticing similarities of someone else's situation and immediately concluding it "must mean mine is the exact same" and posts like this about red flags give me panic attacks when I try to figure out whether or not any/all of the people I talk to are indeed toxic. Not to mention the absurd amount of contradictions we see online too, one post you'll come across when scrolling will say something along the lines of "Nobody communicates perfectly 100% of the time, don't expect perfection from your partner", then you scroll down and the next post says "If your partner is bad at communicating its a *RED FLAG*" like it feels impossible to know how much is normal human imperfection or is it a problem? Those posts do not help figure it out lol! My friends also say im "too nice/forgiving" of people and maybe sometimes I am but its also just who I am, I always see the duality of someone like maybe they have some not good traits but I also acknowledge their good traits and it sorta humanizes them more as opposed to people will often see something bad and just label them as toxic or an a**hole, then I feel like well I must be the screwed up one if I think this way and the majority of people don't, its like a vicious cycle of gaslighting myself and I literally have to actively avoid relationship advice posts because it makes it SO much worse, I don't think people realize the harm they can cause, despite being aimed to help..
Great stuff, I think that explains why my relationsship actually works. Like I always use the metaphor of leaving the door open to exit the relationship and deciding each day not to walk out.
I truly appreciate- that no matter how tired Dr. Alok is; he's straight to the point- especially when situations demand clarification... rather than leaving sensitive objectives left to potentially skewed personal interpretation.
I learned so much through this. Thank you! One thing I got from it was when you were talking about dependency and pulling away. I used to be (and probably would be at this time) a dependent person. Then the person I was in love with would try to pull away but not give me a timeframe for when they think they'll be back in my life. I asked many times for a timeframe, because like knowing that the end of the workday is near, knowing that the end of a break period when I don't want a break is very helpful in keeping my head together. I often got the idea that the women I was dating were going to take a break for a few days, come back and break up with me, or not come back at all. Now I know that I need to fix some things in myself before getting into a relationship or I'll end up like my father who is in a relationship with an abusive narcissist and I'll be too emotionally dependent on her to leave and find someone better for myself. Thank you for pointing out that danger to me.
Thank you Dr. K for some of the most solid, reasonable takes on what makes a good relationship that one can find in the modern era. This is a cool oasis in an arid desert. Hats off to you big time, we need this 🙏
Great explanation, very helpful and sound as always. Question for my peers: If your partner refuses to watch HealthyGamerGG videos with you... Red flag or not?
When he talked about the emotionally dependent stuff…. I felt like I was hearing what I had always wanted to hear from my last boyfriend. I can see in retrospect that I was emotionally dependent, and the ways I tried to set boundaries around that dependency. I can also see how I failed to communicate the ways I was trying to halt my emotional dependency. I can’t see any ways he tried to help talk through my emotional dependency, and still think a ton of his behavior made my dependency way worse, but I also acknowledge he probably did do some things to try to decrease my dependency. It’s interesting that when I felt I was trying to communicate about how to reduce my dependency he always pulled away though…. Im still a little confused on it because I initially accepted all the responsibility for the breakup and over time I think I shifted it onto him. I’m still not sure what’s fair but this has been helpful as a way to think about the relationship.
Also damn just got to the end of the video and saw the suggestion for a dependent person to try to take a weekend apart. I literally did that. At the start of a semester I tried to take a week apart and it blew up the relationship. I guess now I know a more effective way to communicate my need for space if it comes up again wheee
14:35 I also thought about that for a bit. Even if you break up with someone, they will eventually find someone else. And in order to find someone else, and then also stay in that relationship for some time, they probably have to improve. It's like multiple persons find partners, which are just fine, but have some problems. Then they are exchanged, and now everyone has partners, who are better, at least most of them. So why can't my partner just change to the better while still being in a relationship with me? Because they have to learn that a relationship is something you could lose. You can lose your partner forever. So even if you improve as a person, and go back to the same partner, you won't really realize how much you can lose by messing up. And as long as one hasn't experienced that, they might not be able to make some real effort.
Yes, the lopsided compromise thing is why one of my more recent relationships ended. He was so jealous, he would not let me hang out with my friends when men were present (which was basically always), even though I never had any kind of romantic or physical relationship with any of them. I couldn‘t even talk to him about it because he would get angry. But at the same time I would see him out and having fun with his friends while I was at home sad and lonely because he would have gotten angry if I went somewhere with mine. It was over when he told me that his friends had told him that they thought he deserved a more beautiful girl than me, and he was starting to think they might be right. So I couldn‘t even go to a game night if men were present but he was even allowed to look for someone else while he was still with me, and it felt too unfair. But in hindsight I also realized that I made too many excuses for him and tolerated too many things that I shouldn‘t have. When we agreed to meet and he was 45 minutes late and I was stuck waiting in a sketchy place (something that happened repeatedly) I should have just gone home rather than wait for him and pretend it‘s okay. Basically anything that happened that I didn‘t like, I would try to be nice about it and go along with it and absorb all the bad emotions and pretend that nothing was there.
I love this!!! On my own healing journey from codependency. The common factor in my past relationships. Me!!!! So on point on my contribution to unhealthy relationships and how to be the healthiest person I can be, take ownership, and be the best I can be for myself and another. It feels so EMPOWERING once you take ownership for how you also act in a relationship. Also, the work of Dr. John and Julie Gottman is very interesting work to review too.
For me "red flags" are something like "this is suspicious" based on my experience, beliefs, knowledge, preferences and such. So it is never a deal breaker. If there are many red flags/suspicious points, then I can skip on a dating site or not want to follow up with another date because I think it would not work anyway long time with so many red flags. But maybe that can just be called preferences at that point I guess and if so, then I do not look for any red flags I think. Also great point in looking for red flags in yourself in a relationship!
Understanding that people can change and grow to be better in a relationship is fundamental to being able to date. It’s also important to know that when people change and grow that sometimes a relationship isn’t part of that journey anymore.
This video was the most helpful for me today... Well, I got out of a really toxic relationship I had for ten f years. And I met someone who helped me break out of it and eventually we fell in love. Then over time (its 6 months from now), he had many things to do and it felt like he was suddenly disapearing from my life. Knowing that I was the dependend part of it, I started texting and well... I wasn't really aware of my needs. I wanted the relationship exactly to fill a hole inside of me. But over time I started to realize that. But still I want this relationship to get going so we both decided to go for a bit distance. I needed that to find myself and what I want. And I want a healthy relationship with him. So I started meditating and being more indipendend. I started learning and so on. While I was meditating and I was deep in it, I started to hear kind of an inner voice saying that it loves me. I started crying while meditating. Not like I was sobbing I just felt the tears running down. It was an honest "I love You" from my inner voice to me and the first time in my life I've heard that from myself to me. Like an honest one. Not this crap in front of the mirror like... So before we went on distance there wasn't a very nice situation where I felt very disrespected and I told him via voice mail how I felt in that moment. And I felt kinda good telling him that in a way I don't deserve this kind of treatment. And he agreed. But I also know why it came to this disrespect. I told him later on that my treatment to him wasn't good either. We are still on distance but he wanted to talk after the holidays. I don't know what to expect but I am willing to hear it and if I get the chance I will try to tell him what went down. And I still want to tell him that I wish for this relationship to go on. And I am willing to give compromises. But I want to let him talk first. Maybe he will break up, I don't know. What he has to say and what he wants is out of my control. I told him that before in the voice mail. It was important to me because at least I have control over myself now. I had a hard journey the past 6 months in finding myself and what I want. But I can now verbalize it better I suppose. Still I hope everything will turn out well in the end. But if not I still got a chance to heal from everything that've happened.
They tell you that you dislike things that you have were sure that you did like but they have convinced you to dislike that thing. They dictate your emotional response. They convince you that your family and friends are bad people. They convince you to break or minimize contact with family and friends then punish you for doing so. They put you in a position of geographical isolation such as moving 5 hours away. Remember people, you are a frog in water that is slowly being boiled.
Honestly, for me the best advise is don't listen to any of this "red flags" thing, is just trendy now, but unless you are in an abusive relationship, non of this things matter. Use your own criteria and chose by yourself, do you really want to give THIS SPECIFIC PERSON a chance?
God this video was so helpful for me to realize some stuff. I have a problem with my significant other, where I get anxious and worried when my girlfriend plays video games with her male friends without me, and I have intrusive thoughts that she's cheating on me with them, or enjoys their company more than mine, and it's gotten in the way of her being able to have fun with her friends. I've realized through this video, that to get through this, I have to do something else and acknowledge those thoughts that I'm having, and prove them wrong. For example, "All of her friends are guys, she's probably catching feelings for one of them more than me." Instead, I'll disprove that, by thinking "She's been friends with him for years, he's admitted to liking her before and she's rejected him. I've seen her play with him and they don't have any interest there at all." Thanks, Dr. K, your videos and psychology are an inspiration and super helpful.
I am a woman that plays videogames and has mostly male friends, so I had this problem before. Jealousy is a difficult feeling, but it will keep growing no matter what you do, and it is a problem that affects both people in the relationship, so you have to work together to deal with it. One thing that is important is that you try to figure out why you feel jealous in the first place, is it because she actually gives you reason to feel jealous, or is it because have some unresolved feelings that are causing you insecurity, that you better start adressing now? Truly, friendships with guys to me are always in a grey area. Sometimes I feel attraction, most of the time I don't, but the important part is that I prioritise my man and if another guy becomes a threat to the relationship, I will prioritise the relationship. Maybe that also means, for as long as my guy feels jealous, I will pull back on the contact, have them meet and feel the vibe between us, take babysteps to build up comfort around that friendship so my man knows there is nothing to worry about. This sounds really simple but you really need to have good communication to deal with this issue. I feel like the biggest problem here is, that you think the reason why your girlfriend is with you, is because you're the best option to her and once there is s better option out there, she will go ahead to pursue that. Love is not like that, you need to trust that she is going to be with you even if you're not the best option, because she loves and chooses you. If you can't trust her with that, then you need to figure out why, but would you leave her if you found a better girl? This is probably a good time to seek help from a therapist, not to label you as mentally unstable, but this is a situation where I fear you can mess up your perception of reality, maybe you lash out one day and she breaks up with you because she doesn't need someone who lashes out on her for having s fun time while playing video games, and then you will feel like all your fears are confirmed. Just a thought
I only have a problem with the terminology here. Saying relationships are not "deterministic" makes the pedant in Mme rage, because I'm certain what is meant to be said is: "you're never going to find this _PERFECT_ person you have crafted in your head, and that you should open up to people who don't hit everything you're looking for-but still hit most things; because you could easily miss out on something that could lead to your perfect ideal life, or something so functionally close that it's indistinguishable." I think that's the message here, but when I hear "deterministic" I think: "You can't plan for relationships. You can't have criterion or standards. You just gotta let go of any preconceotions and go with the flow. Maybe it'll all work out!" I hear this because having standards and lines you draw in the sand means that relationships *ARE DETERMINISTIC* based on what people want and are willing to do. It irks Mme, because the real problem people have with relationships is that they have no idea what they want, they jump fucking into the first thing that: "feels right", and they get f'ked; because what feels right is what feels right to every other stupid kid; *LUST.* Initial lust and sexual desire is the single worst determining factor for whether a relationship will make it all the way. Tell Mme if a person's a dog lover or not, and I'll be better able to predict how sturdy a relationship will be, then how much the two lovers want to bone each other the first month will! This is because people have no conception of the fact that "love" is a complicated word that encompasses: lust, friendship, nuturing, unconditional acceptance, romance, and commitment; so when a person says that they are in "love", you really don't f'king know if they meant: "commitment, lust and romance, unconditional acceptance, or friendship". That's a problem, because we've taught to expect: "love will solve all problems, breakdown all barriers, heal all wounds, and it's all you need to make things work!". Yet, people can be talking about entirely different concepts semantically when using the word "love", and so most people conflate: "lust and romance", with the *ENTIRE GAMBIT OF DICTIONARY MEANINGS* under the word "love". This means dumbass kids, and misled adults jump into long term relationships merely on the fact that a partner is "hot". They forgo the most important factors like: communication, similar likes, dreams and visions of the future, friendship, and commitment level, and just plan on settling down with the first "hottie" they can bag. This is why I don't appreciate the disdain for "deterministic" criteria, because if you know what you want you can definitively say what you do *NOT* want; and thus establish your own personal red flags.
Determinism just refers to the absence of randomness. Your quoted things you're hearing are not at all what he communicated. What he is saying is that red flags themselves are not deterministic because people change. Relationships themselves are also absolutely not deterministic. Just because someone has no "red flags" does not mean the relationship will work. Just the same way that if they have "red flags", it does not mean the relationship won't work. That's all it means. It doesn't mean to abandon standards or go with the flow or whatever. It just means that "red flags" are WAY more complex than the emotionally engaging/validating articles make it out to be, which are what comprise a lot of the popular relationship advice narrative these days. This is an issue because it causes us to engage with red flags in a way that is more likely to lead to overreacting to what we see based on our experiences.
I spent a long time being single. However, I'm content with my life but I want to share my life with somebody. If you do the work on yourself relationships are healthier and more satisfying.
The passing mention of "covid-19 and periodontitis: the cytokine connection" and the other study titles perked my ears up so suddenly that it made me laugh at myself and feel affirmed that my future is indeed in body medicine despite my fondness for psych 😂 In the unlikely event that you see this Dr. K, thanks for unintentionally giving me that little dot of self-discovery lol! And I agree, the varicocele one sounds really interesting, not to mention they picked an excellent title XD
I found myself complaining like you said and my ex gf called me a narcissist. All I was complaning was about the fact that she became so much dependent on me that I felt like her emotional regulator, when she was mad about anything happening on her life I was the one that was trying to be there for her and in the majority of those moments she started being mad at me also, by saying that I couldn't handle the disrespect and the fights that we had just because of daily basis PERSONAL problems she started feeling not listened and just started calling me a narcissist, manipulator and whatever, finally i broke up with her, I couldn't be there to sacrifice my mental health and I feel like shit but that's ok, I'm living through my decision and I feel like it's for the best, for me and for her to figure out her problems
I became oversensitive to red flags due to past bad experiences. Thank you for helping me recognize that. I will try to be more understanding of my future partner's behavior and not make it all about me and my insecurities.
This is about telling people that one needs time. There isnt communication that distance is needed and for how long or when that's over. It doesnt help when neediness is a reaction to the partner having been needy before.
The problem of "Redflagging" or Redflag culture specially in Tiktok is how they overexaggerate situations and create their biases based on one perspective which then breaks relationships prematurely, downplaying actual redflags. Its funny now that even one mistake is now a "Redflag" heck even existing or even breathing now is a Redflag.
Red flags are great for dating period, before entering relationship. We all know things we dislike, that are our personal "red flag" and ignoring them never gets us anywhere good.
I think a lot of these points are why my relationship with my fiance is so strong. We both had red flags, but the reason we are still together almost 7 years later is that we were able to talk about and work on them.
not sure if I fully agree with everything, I've experienced behaviors that I personally consider to have been or still are red flags. Of course this is fully subjective and not based in science, I do fully agree on that part. I probably got my own aswell.
16 minutes in it seems you’re missing the most important part of this? Red flags are mainly a safety measure for (mainly but not exclusively) women to avoid getting into abusive relationships or simply dangerous situation. If a man uses the word “females” during a date, that’s my queue to get out of the situation fast, for my own safety. That one might seem abstract, but that’s the main use of red flags: knowing when your chances of being in danger just went up
Great example. This requires knowledge of local cultural norms. In certain environments, wearing red or blue is a uniform, meaning gang affiliation (bloods, crips), if you don't want gang affiliation problems into your home, avoidance is best. At this moment, Incel and Incel-adjacent are their own gang/cult, dehumanizing all non-cis-men in general and all women in particular, which is half of humanity. They don't have a uniform, unfortunately, but certain phrases and words, "dog whistles", code language and inside baseball terminology, are very common there. Use of "females" where women is meant, with few context dependent exceptions, is a red flag that someone is not seeing you as a real human plus likely has a chip on their shoulder too big for you to solve plus resentment and anger issues plus a short fuse walking time b_mb. Not worth the risk towards your personal safety. Too many stories of women who ignored that sign and eventually ended up getting attacked. This seems a thing in particular in the group hetero men (obligatory NotAllMen) who target anyone femme presenting.
I had a female friend who is incredibly highly intelligent but absolutely terrible at relationships. Honestly, I would be terrified to be one of the straight guys who tried dating her. She has a very insecure attachment style - so insecure that she would waver between throwing herself at men and accusing them of ignoring or cheating on her. It all boiled down to an inability to trust the men she was dating with her self-perceived highly fragile emotions. And she LOVED things like these "red flags." She could analyze the most complex matters of jurisprudence at an extremely high-level of sophistication and clarity, but when it came to matters of the mind and heart, she wanted cheap simple answers from Cosmopolitan magazine that pretend to offer easy deterministic solutions to the challenges of relationships. The worst part. I tried helping her. So hard. Repeatedly. I tried a light touch. I tried confronting her. Ultimately, after I started to show signs of being a little exhausted (three years after a breakup of her most promising relationship), she turned on me. It was quite a betrayal.
Hi! This is super interesting! I would love to watch a video about love bombing and the assumption that love bombing=future abuse versus seeing it as maybe an unhealthy behavior but not necessarily always leading to abuse
I respectfully disagree with some aspects of what’s been said. If someone consistently displays that they’re manipulative and like to use people. You don’t need to talk to them about that or try to understand them. Can’t change them. If you notice that over a period of time then make a decision to cut them out. That’s the wisest move. Most important part of what I said is you need to notice a consistent behavior pattern over a period of time.
Dr K., your advice has helped me in multiple aspects of my life (especially in perfectionism and procrastination, former gifted kid here) I would love to hear what you have to say about recovering from (childhood) sexual assault. Specifically, how it can affect the development of personal and romantic relationships with advice on healing those unhealthy thought patterns. I know I personally have developed an unhealthy self perception, and would love to hear your advice on that as well. You are an amazing human and thank you for what you do.
I especially disagree with the "they don't prioritize you". Like, love does not come first, purpose does, at least for a masculine man or woman or whatever (what I believe). If I prioritize my partner over my purpose, my passions, and really focusing on cultivating them, I could fall off, I could lose momentum. It's not a red flag, it's simply a preference.
I agree! I love my bf, but I will not compromise on med school! I have one chance to become a Dr. and many more for a partner. This has always been my dream and I know, that I will hate myself if i don‘t do that for myself.
I think that's really important, but it also means you might need a partner who thinks similar to you. You can't be with someone clingy, or someone needy - you'll kill them. They might even have a very normal attachment to you but because you are so busy they will feel neglected. My friend has parents that are both cardiovascular surgeons or something, and she has expressed that she felt really neglected as a child. Being a doctor is a never-ending job. So yes, don't give up on your dream, but find someone who can support you and also be a fulfilled person in their own right. A lot of people with high paying professional jobs sometimes aren't able to balance all the pieces of work and love, and that's not necessarily the other person's problem to cope with.
Overstepping boundaries is a red flag !! They shouldn’t tell you what to wear or they shouldn’t post they are in a relationship with you after only talking one week . They shouldn’t get a hotel room as part of the date .
I'd say there are red flags and yellow flags. The yellow - things the person can and will change with effort. Red - things so deviant from normality you would not want to associate yourself with that person.
finally someone (I'M GLAD THAT THIS IS DR K) is roasting a psych2go thing, I was waiting for that happen, I just really got the feeling before that videos they post are kinda slippery
People can change.... if they want to. If they work hard to overcome their difficulties they can succeed but that's a delusion to think that people will change because we want them to.
