THESE Are the Fearful Avoidant Attachment UNHEALTHY Relationship Expectations

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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares the top expectations of the fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style) in a relationship. Watch now to find out what these expectations are as well as an exercise that will help you identify the healthy expectations from the unhealthy, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Conflict Resolution: Speaking Up & Steps to Healthily Resolve Relationship Challenges", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:12 - What Is the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
00:02:55 - That nobody should ever break their trust
00:04:22 - The 4 Cs of Trust
00:05:38 - Their romantic partner should be as giving as they are
00:07:40 - Their romantic partner should always respect their independence
00:08:14 - $39 Trial Promo
00:09:40 - Their partner should always be there when they need them
00:10:32 - Partner should always make them feel wanted
00:10:36 - Partner should be faithful in thought, emotion, opinion, action
00:11:46 - Exercise
00:15:04 - Conflict Communication Course
00:15:29 - Conclusion
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3 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 93

@DavidVelasquez9 2 месяца назад

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it.

@user-er9hv4pl2u 2 месяца назад

there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

@DavidVelasquez9 2 месяца назад

its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

@dandanut5409 2 месяца назад

indeed ! couples need to learn healthy compromise and FORGIVENESS and meet in the middle... attachment is just a part of the personality trait and one could be more or less attached... it does not mean the whole of a persons' personality much more their character.

@GeoffreyAngapa 2 месяца назад

It's almost as if the fearful avoidant has many checks in place, mostly invisible, that are easy to trample on unwittingly, and give reason to say, "See, I knew they'd do this." But the sad part is, even if you make it through every check on the outskirts, you've done something worse: you've reached the inner courtyard. In contrast, the FA's relationship with the DA tends to be longer-lasting because the DA never tries to reach the courtyard, nor yet the outskirts, but remains in the neighbouring kingdom permanently. So, it's up to the FA to venture forth and seek out the distant one.

@happygolucky9004 2 месяца назад

Thais has this great video where she explains that the FA connects most to another FA. But that in a FA-FA relationship it pushes one partner more into their anxious and another into their avoidant. Then they often switch between them creating a rollercoaster relationship.

@GeoffreyAngapa 2 месяца назад

@@happygolucky9004 Thanks. I think it's fascinating to understand, but also sad how these dynamics can tarnish, or destroy, good relationships.

@debbiewitthoft5339 2 месяца назад

I am securely attached. I was involved with a FA. The problem I am having with FAs is if they have all these requirements of their partner, they don't seem to hold themselves to the same requirements.

@chrishatcher9239 2 месяца назад

These videos should be subtitled dating the undateable. Let me tell my woman "yeah I really appreciate how much you're showing up in the relationship but I can't really give you what you need right now" . Let's see how well that goes over.

@nicoleflusk5434 2 месяца назад

Push pull is definitely a thing! Oddly enough the guy (FA) I am dating pulls away but not from us having conflicts or arguments it’s always after emotional connection. Consequently it happens often. It’s strange to me that he is the one pulling me in, initiating the conversation or telling me he loves me or wants to go away on a trip together or moon together ect. It’s gotten where I don’t even want to have these conversations because without doubt they are immediately followed by him pulling away for days or even weeks

@Dahlia_Kaitlyn 2 месяца назад

That sounds exhausting

@MyAkachi 2 месяца назад

Please leave. You deserve better. All these things add trauma cuts to you. And you'll end up needing to recover for very long, by the time you decide enough is enough. Intimacy is built on closeness, safety, and reliability - none of which you are receiving or will receive from this person, because subconsciously they are threatened by intimacy even though they claim to want it and think so sometimes as well. Don't turn yourself into an emotional frankenstein's monster for someone to cut up and piece back together over and over again, however they like.

@luisbarroeta7229 2 месяца назад

That’s the vulnerability hangover. They become overwhelmed and their fears flair up thus they pull away to ‘stay safe’ once they regulate emotionally they come back cuz fears have calmed down

@nicoleflusk5434 2 месяца назад

@@MyAkachi I agree with you it has definitely been difficult for me 😔 I have been working on myself for quite some time now and made remarkable improvements. Crazy enough initially I was seeing this as practice to not get super anxious and start freaking out about abandonment every time. I actually have broken things off twice now in the last 1 1/2 years! Guess I need to do it again.

@nicoleflusk5434 2 месяца назад

@@Dahlia_Kaitlyn it really is! Especially since we get along so well. It’s like why??? What happened?? So confusing but I am getting a more clear understanding of this internal battle. Biggest issue is it will never end if he doesn’t want to and try to heal himself. Then I am exhausted, wasting my time and emotionally damaging myself all for nothing. It’s really a risk and I’m starting to feel it’s not worth it at this point in time.

@sumbodyshero 2 месяца назад

Going through the same thing. I have noticed that it just takes more time for them to process the way you make them feel. After going cold for a week or two, now she wears makeup and braids her hair and smiles at me. You'll notice subtle changes in the way they act around you. Feel out when you need to take the intimacy to the next level, then pull away the same time they do. Give the utmost repect to their space, and if they are a person of character, and you treat them better than anyone else, the trust will be built over time. More work = more payoff.

@GeoffreyAngapa 2 месяца назад

I wish I had known this before, to pull away when they pull away. Sadly, most of us only learn after the relationship fails.

@magy321 2 месяца назад

This! As a FA, I wholeheartedly agree with your comment.

@Littleowl85352 2 месяца назад

It was a run in with a FA that brought me, as a DA, here. Well... The over giving. I didn't get close to them, one reason being they didn't seem a safe person from my perspective. But I did observe how they would often be excessively close to one person, then cold the next day, then close again... I thought it was some sort of narcissistic tactic to destabilise people's sense of self worth and reality. It did infuriate and alienate those around them. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't just move on from what I observed but came to the conclusion my own childhood wounds were activated and begging for some awareness. I had all these quasi mystical experiences, it was bizarre, and one couldn't talk about it to anyone.

@dandanut5409 2 месяца назад

@Littleowl85352 perhaps that person was abusive of the FA s generosity or "over giving" and the FA just felt betrayal. I know as an FA it puts me really down to see the people I love and to whom I try to give everything, not keeping to the smallest parts of the bargain . I always showed up for my loved ones and kept to my word and terms and etc, even if I was half dead. I heard people say FA s don't or break that (when FA s don't show up it must mean they are really destroyed in their inner world).. I always did but I got really tired... If you were my friend or family and needed me to show up for anything even if I was in a much worser condition and in a much needy situation than your actual need, I would. Contrary to what your opinion of me might be, I lean empathic, yes I may have some narcissistic traits(don't we all), in the sense of rough love kind of way but even when I am aggressive or angry at you I am contemplating how to work out your greater good. Please keep also in mind that we are also the attachment style with the most core wounds. We need EFT, and other stuff, our nervous system can get extremely dysregulated , idk about this level of intensity with the DAs... we feel everything to extremes, especially sadness and worry(those two kills us) , we can't cope with them... we enter into an endless loop... I've seen Dr. Kim Sage say that as an FA(disorganised attachment style) you will probably never heal entirely(because you have the most wounds).. She identified herself as an FA and said she is not fully healed. What do you mean your "own childhood wounds were activated and begging for some awareness" ? Violence, the unsafe wound? I just recently found out about attachment styles myself...

@Littleowl85352 2 месяца назад

@@dandanut5409 If someone grows up with parents who were emotionally and sometimes physically violent, emotional violence from another person (even if they feel it's their right to be emotionally violent) will trigger that wounding

@dandanut5409 2 месяца назад

I had many mystical experiences about my DA(mostly for good). That's why I have not abandoned her yet, she feels like soulmate. I must make sense of all that... What puzzles me is some things from one of our single arguments that we had. I reproached her that she doesn't stick to her words(future faking) and that that made me feel betrayed and told her that things are lost in writing and I wish she could only feel what I feel now (amalgam of feelings or emotions) to which she responded that we are more than our feelings and said you do not rob a bank just because you are angry. I am. wondering to this day what she meant by that association "you do not rob a bank because you are angry" . I told her that you rob a bank because you are angry of situation, but she meant something else. She also tied this two together : she said I seem too aggressive and that she is an independent woman. Idk what she exactly meant by that either...

@Littleowl85352 2 месяца назад

@@dandanut5409 She would have meant you can't justify selfishness through it being about emotions. It feeds a person in a way to pop off and get crazy, like robbing a bank brings money. But it's not right

@dandanut5409 2 месяца назад

@@Littleowl85352you think she accused me of being selfish?

@davidbulchak9415 2 месяца назад

This was fantastic, Thais! It hit me right in the FA, with guilt, lol but then relief because I hadn't realized some of this stuff from their end of it, and you made it make simple sense. You are a brilliant teacher. Thank you!

@couch_philosoph3325 2 месяца назад

I am in a what I consider to be my most healthy relationship to date, I also have worked on myself alot, though some things still trigger me, but I communicate them without attacking the person or something. I think one of the reasons why it works is because my partner so far has never really broken my trust. There have been instances where there have been "micro" trust breaks, like not being on time (which is ironic because I am chronically late), but nothing important at all. I do trust him a lot, because we were friends first and I know that he is an overall good person. What I was wondering, is it normal that even though I am happy, I sometimes have this uncanny valley feeling of setteling? Like it feels good, I am not overly anxious nor overly avoidant, we talk about conflicts and I am at peace. But I guess my mind (and adhd) are not subconsciously used to the calmness of healthy love. instead of the dopamine chase of up and down love. Are there any exercises you could recommend to combat that? Because I have yearned for a love like this and now I have it and I want to do my very best

@CitiesOfAsh 2 месяца назад

Hypergamy

@vicklou 2 месяца назад

Thank you Thais, this is very helpful. Think I would also add Communication as a 5th C of Trust). One to come back to often, saved!

@Heyu7her3 2 месяца назад

No. I have never been in a relationship, and I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I don't know how other people even get to that point.

@Littleowl85352 2 месяца назад

I think a lot of them do situationships or polyamory

@peixeess 2 месяца назад

Relationships are such a pain. I have been in 3 relationships. One open relationship that wasn't that serious, another one that wasn't very serious (I didn't really feel the same back) and the third one with someone that I see as obsessed with me and is too clingy and has been a jerk at times but at least gives me consistency... stability... by always having eyes on me only. That has also been more one-sided. A normal relationship sounds pretty... alien... 😅

@tellitlikeitis5028 Месяц назад

These people will DRAIN the life from you. Fucking run!

@Calicokitty2 2 месяца назад

I'm trying to reconcile what you're saying about compromise and what I have always learned, as a Christian, that we are supposed to live sacrificial lives. My understanding of that led me into deep codependency, which I've changed after doing your courses. But I still feel like I'm supposed to be sacrificing more.

@Heyu7her3 2 месяца назад

Sacrificial lives for God, not other people. Jesus already did that.

@Littleowl85352 2 месяца назад

Maybe you can think to yourself, is this sacrifice actually helpful to them and their growth and learning?

@HippieZippy 2 месяца назад

Please don't do that. You'll make the ideal prey/ supply for a narcissist.

@GeoffreyAngapa 2 месяца назад

I would say, stick to what Jesus said, rather than the words of Paul and the other writers.

@Calicokitty2 2 месяца назад

@@GeoffreyAngapaI appreciate your comment. But it was Jesus who said there is no greater love than to lay down our lives for a friend.

@fredobagginsfilms950 2 месяца назад

Your thumbnails looks like you sing well 😂 anyways I enjoyed learning from your videos Thais! Much love! 🇨🇦🇵🇭

@instagamrr 2 месяца назад

Are any of these actually unhealthy? They seem normal if they’re communicated as needs? FA here

@phoenixroseastrology769 2 месяца назад

I'm an FA leaning secure and have to agree. We just want someone to meet our level of intensity and investment and we get hurt when the Honeymoon phase ends because why should it end? Seems like people come in wearing false masks, woo us, and then become wallpaper paste boring and inattentive. Then they wonder why we get mad and leave, "out of the blue." It is the Scorpio archetype. We need other Scorpios. ;)

@jdprettynails 2 месяца назад

Anxious here, what if the FA leaves DURING the honeymoon phase? No explanation, nothing.

@jennh2096 2 месяца назад

The problem is that the FA often falsely perceives that trust is broken, the other partner isn't giving, doesn't respect their independence, etc, based on their expectation and fear of rejection and abandonment. So they search for any sign of rejection or impending abandonment, even when there is nothing to indicate either, and then they run. Their perceptions amd interpretations of others behavior is often skewed and flawed because they don't trust anyone will ever meet their expectations anyway, so their fears become self fulfilling prophecies when the partner gets tired of trying to convince the FA that they won't abandon or reject them, because nothing we do is ever good enough for the FA. They won't see the reality because they refuse to, they need to make their false beliefs a reality to give them a reason to run away

@spikygreen 2 месяца назад

@@phoenixroseastrology769hahaha I could have written it myself. And I'm a Scorpio. And so is Thais, for the record. I would NOT want to date another Scorpio though, we are awful 😂 except for Thais, of course, she is awesome, hahaha! I need stability in a partner, chaos I can already do all by myself 😂

@spikygreen 2 месяца назад

@@jennh2096I can see how we come across that way and I certainly think there is some truth to this. But in my case, I really do want to stay with my partner and I want to stop being bothered by the fact that he is not as giving and eager to sacrifice as I am and he never will be. (And most people who are as giving as me may well have all the other "stuff" that makes me who I am, like my inability to be consistent with anything... other than complaining about my partner, of course, haha. I know very well that any person is a package deal, and I definitely appreciate some things that my partner is just much better at than I am.) It's just that I really don't know how to get over this issue. It's not in my head either, my partner is kind and reasonable, but he definitely isn't overly giving and he definitely prioritizes his boundaries over pleasing me. And without it, I just don't seem to feel loved. I keep wondering if I'm in the wrong relationship because this part is missing. It's not that I am afraid of abandonment or rejection - we have a pretty stable relationship by now, and he generally reacts well when I ask for specific needs. But it's just that over-giving, going above and beyond is literally my definition of love.

@laurah2831 2 месяца назад

What's your advice for when an FA consciously and cognitively knows when they may be applying a rule too strictly, including during, but that does nothing to change the physical and emotional response, even when this repeats over time. Also that they are genuinely being let down repeatedly, need support that others seem to receive or are able to/ have the skills to benefit from. How to disengage from the trauma reaction and be able to assess their options for taking action towards problems (outside the relationship) that move towards meeting their needs. There seems to be a block where if the chances of success are low, due to repeated disappointments, the risk of further extreme pain of rejection/abandonment from a lack of solution or support prevents taking action.

@Heyu7her3 2 месяца назад

Some skills from trauma therapy include "thought defusion", "opposite to emotion action" & "values- aligned goal setting". It's also important to just let the feelings happen using grounding techniques to soothe & without trying to problem-solve or avoid it. It enables the body can completely process it. It's all supposed to hurt/ be uncomfortable because things have to be reset for healing to occur.

@HippieZippy 2 месяца назад

Applying a rule too strictly? In other words, doing things on their terms. What are they, the headteacher of a school?

@HippieZippy 2 месяца назад

@@Heyu7her3They have to be in therapy for this to happen?

@laurah2831 2 месяца назад

@@Heyu7her3 resetting doesn’t seem to happen or gain any traction, even when the strategies you mention are applied. It seems like the amount of pain versus the amount of benefit never tips in favour consistently enough to move towards stability. I’m impressed anyone understood my complicated explanation though.

@dandanut5409 2 месяца назад

@@HippieZippy the personal development school :D TG is FA

@blackshadeofblue 2 месяца назад

I am so confused. I have been dating a virgo man which seems he may fit fearful avoidant style. Everything was really great, we both started to open up to another, got super close on all levels. Sunday (a week ago) before his new promotion he was still good, then Monday I started to notice a difference. A lot more cold. We text everyday, however he has not made any effort to hang out and has avoided talking on the phone couple of times without wanting to call on a different day. I'm being really attentive to giving him space, security, loyalty, etc etc... but somehow he's still withdrawn. What can I do? I have healed 90% of my anxious attachment style and am mostly secure. I would so much appreciate some light on this and what to do to bring him close again ❤