THIS Is What A Fearful Avoidant Expects Dating to Look Like

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Have you started to date somebody who you think may be a fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style) and unsure of "the rules" for things like texting, calling, or spending time together? In today's video, Thais Gibson shares 5 must-knows about the early dating stage of the fearful avoidant. Watch now to find out what these must-knows are and strategies you can use to make your relationship a success, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How To Master The Dating Stage of Relationships", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:45 - 5 Must-Knows of the Fearful Avoidant
00:02:22 - Self-Sacrificing
00:02:41 - Ideal Fit
00:05:17 - Exercise
00:06:01 - Ideal Expectations
00:06:38 - Healthy Standards
00:08:45 - How To Communicate
00:09:17 - Course Promo: How To Master The Dating Stage
00:11:03 - Conclusion
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6 июл 2024

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@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

If this is you, please share your thoughts and comments on the video!

@cappygurl 4 месяца назад

Coming from secure/FA It's quite funny that you bring up that the FA shows up like the secure. Because now that I am more secure I show up this way in dating. The difference from when I was in my more FAness is that I have the consistency now without the pull backs. Because I feel secure in who I am and what I want. I am not showing up from my wounds but from a space of security.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

Congrats on all the hard work you have done to get to this point. So happy for you ❤

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

I'm a secure/healing fa and this is so spot on. It can be hard to date because I only want to see someone once, maybe twice a week but even that second day is not the norm for me. Talking on the phone isn't necessary, but I love a morning and night text...maybe midday. ❤ DA's or avoidant leaning FA's seem to be the only ones that vibe with my relationship style, but the unhealed DA/FA can be challenging. I have 3 main needs in a relationship. To know that I am loved just as I am, communication and freedom. If those things can be honored, we are totally on the same page. If it's challenging, we're not a good fit as these are my non-negotiables. I want to feel like I'm in a relationship while we both have our own lives and hobbies. I hope that anyone who has fallen for someone where their needs are consistently not being met tries to find someone more compatible for them. I find that so many people want more from their partner and then get upset they're not getting their needs met. Love and potential are never reason enough to stay.

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 4 месяца назад

That seems like pretty good communication ,and very well put. If you truly are able to communicate like this consistently, then I'm guessing you will be loved for who you are. I absolutely agree on freedom as well. So important. ❤ ☀️n❄️

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

@@JacobCarlson-uq1my thank you. The communication piece came more recently...over the past year or so. I've never been super great with it as there were always repercussions when I spoke my mind in past relationships. Now that my nervous system is more regulated, it's much better. I don't get quiet and shut down nor do I get overly emotional. It took time. ❤

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 4 месяца назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Maybe that is an interesting thought. Possibly that is something I should look into being more centered on, being overly emotional. I appreciate your insights. I'm sure you always are & have been a great communicator, nobody is perfect, we try our best.❤n☀️

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 4 месяца назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Part of that last reply got cut off some how. I was saying that that might be something I need focus on , not being overly emotional. If there were repercussions in past I don't blame you for shutting down. I would most likely do the same.

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 4 месяца назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes You're welcome( Sunny Day ?) & Thank you as well.♥️

@GeoffreyAngapa 4 месяца назад

I was formerly with an FA lady and can relate to the idealism part. Our relationship seemed like something out of a fairy tale or "The Princess Bride." In retrospect, I tend to think that was part of the problem. But then again, it's hard to blame what you've dreamt of your whole life coming true. And that makes the failure in the end more disappointing.

@LenkaSingh-gl2be 4 месяца назад

Thank you for the video. It is little surprising that this inconsistency would put DA into deactivating mode. For some reason subconsciously I thought this is what keeps them interested and gives them that extra space I felt like they need 😮 If I was asked to be more consistent I would definitely try and would propably communicate much more about what bothers me and causes that inconsistency at the very least ❤

@natalieharrison5202 3 месяца назад

Your videos really help me!

@markcafebrown2883 4 месяца назад

Thanks you Thais

@theplaylister 4 месяца назад

Side note but the colour suits very well. Very youthful looking

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

❤

@johnnycomelately6341 4 месяца назад

astoundingly accurate

@ScottH7651 3 месяца назад

it seems that most people dating an FA find out they are FA when they suddenly pull the rug out and run. If that is indeed true, this explanation will only help the dumped understand and help their recovery. If my FA ex could have communicated, we might still be together but then she wouldn't be an FA if she could have communicated.

@Medietos 3 месяца назад

@Scott7651: Idk about her, but it's not true about me. I can and will communicate if I have someone attuned, knowledgeable in communication enough, caring and interested enough, open-minded enough, soothing rather than provoking, denying, questioning, drawing too quick and wrong conclusions...Would you be able to meet her in her inner chaos and skinlessness, can you communicate empathically? That is rare even if individuals are good enough ppl. Is she not so gifted in communication maybe, and unaccustomed to it? I read a lot, wrote a lot, saw a talk-psychologist (no healing real therapy, but superficially support talks). I have been in 12-step self-help groups, which has helped giving practice. Maybe she hasn't done any of this?Please teel her that one can and must self-work to heal. And to try the PDS for free? Thanks for caring about her and having tried. All the best to you.

@theplaylister 4 месяца назад

Very helpful, thanks!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

You're welcome ❤

@roshalllambert 4 месяца назад

Very well explained! and I love the part about healthy standards!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

Glad you liked it ❤

@markcafebrown2883 4 месяца назад

These are things are talk about with my wife. I really really have to encourage her to tell me her needs so I can meet them. Great job Thais

@EyeBelieveSo 4 месяца назад

My ex was a FA and this is very accurate.

@NormanInAustralia 4 месяца назад

Thanks!

@NormanInAustralia 4 месяца назад

Your content and your delivery are always appreciated.

@msp720 3 месяца назад

I only see the FA I like about once a month, so it's a slow process. She's totally up for a dinner date next time I'm in town, but we've only had group hangouts so far. But when we're together, certain things tell me me she's interested: we make each other laugh as much as we can, I'm the first person she turns to for a reaction even if her other friends are present, we've expressed how much we value each other, etc. When we're apart, her communication is sporadic, but when she does communicate she often sends several messages, especially when I give her space for a few days. Your videos have really helped me understand her better, and not panic or internalize it when she doesn't respond as often as I'd like.

@chrissun2882 3 месяца назад

Really great content thank you so much. What’s the expectation should be if in a long distance relationship with FA? I’m struggling to find a balance with my FA gf. I’m secured attachment

@takebackmylifetakemylifeba8362 3 месяца назад

Thank you for this video Thais❤ now I'm wondering what FA looks like/ expects further down the road, after the dating stage, 1 year in..... And the same for a DA. Would love videos on this too ❤❤ I (FA/secure) would describe my experience with my DA bf as he keeps the relationship in the dating stage. I think this is a big part of what is making me reconsider if this relationship is right for me. I'm interested to know if this sounds common for a DA? Or is it me that needs to work on something ???!

@kiana62510 4 месяца назад

Spot on! I wonder what this looks like for the DA. I am and FA dating a DA and this is a huge point of contention, I struggle with whats normal, there are rarely any examples so I can check myself

@Medietos 3 месяца назад

There are many vids on the DA. You might hear also Heidi Priebe, Amy Kerr. Maybe you confuse normal with natural? Because what is normal is often not what is healthy, good and natural anymore... :-) RC Blakes jr and Stephan Speaks are also good, although not focusing on Attachment styles

@spartanfyda4196 3 месяца назад

May I ask the artist of the painting behind you?

@thecommonsensecapricorn 3 месяца назад

This stuff is really interesting because I was very anxiously attached when I was a teen to like 20 years old, then I became avoidant after a hard breakup, and only in the past couple months, at 26 I found myself being anxiously attached again within a connection I recently ended. I thought he was secure but maybe he’s fearful avoidant. He was very consistent with communication but it’d just be a brief convo once a day “how’s your day been?” Or more usually just a “I hope your days going well!“ The reason this is interesting is because I don’t really relate, maybe I’m more anxious than I thought. But also, it depends on the person and at what stage of dating we’re at. If I really like the person, I want to text them a lot, or talk on the phone, or just see each other a lot. But when do I really like someone? When they’re more avoidant/less interested in me. So I think those things would change if I was talking to a secure person who showed up and gave me the energy/attention I deserve, which is sad.

@mathews0618 4 месяца назад

FA has the opposite reaction to what a healthy reaction would be. So they feel calm and safe during turmoil and feel scared and anxious when its calm. FA's test and cause unnecessary drama in relationships. They are very insecure and controlling.

@cristalmartinez9138 3 месяца назад

have you ever heard of the avoidant telling you they love you, then a week later saying you need to learn to be friends? It’s been two months of “friendship” we see each other once a week, are friends on social media, occasional hookups. He just had a birthday, we shared a beautiful day where I could see him being emotionally swayed. However, I can no longer bare being “friends.” Would no contact be effective? Is there any hope after I was accesible to him after the break up… please help.

@takebackmylifetakemylifeba8362 3 месяца назад

Is the FA "pulling away when apart" possibly that we're very present when with a partner, and then when doing our own thing we're very present with ourselves? So not really pulling away in a hot-cold way?

@lauraash4934 4 месяца назад

Thank you so much for your very eye opening descriptions and the direction you give to we who are involved with a fearful avoidant. Do they EVER recover? I have been in a roller coaster relationship(?) with a man I really care for deeply….he is amazing and loving sometimes….and totally distant and harsh at other times. He ignores and becomes distant whenever I try to have a discussion about where we are headed. This, I am embarrassed to admit , has been going on for 10 years. I am way too “ever the hopeful”. And yet, there are rare times he will open up and say things about “our future” and being together for “ever and ever.” He seems to have Jekyl and Hyde emotions. Is there any hope at all for a solid relationship? Thank you .

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

Maybe Thais will do a video on this question. ❤ In the meantime, coming from a healing FA, sticking around for 10 years not getting your needs met by ANY attachment style is far too long. Don't be embarrassed. Sometimes we can't help who we love and time goes by so fast. I think your best bet is to figure out your attachment style and try PDS courses and webinars. I believe you can try a 14 free trial. I promise you, once you move toward being secure, this noncommittal and inconsistent behavior will be a non-negotiable for you. I was at a point that I thought I'd never move on from someone and in all honesty, I truly haven't. However, through PDS I learned my boundaries and non-negotiables and shared them with the man I love. I basically said I'm looking for something real and if it's not with you then that's okay, but I can no longer stay in a dynamic that only works for one of us. We ended it. We keep in touch as we were friends for years before we dated and love each other, but we both know where we stand so choose to love each other from a distance. I'd love to see how different you feel once you tried PDS. It truly is life changing. ❤

@JohnBoulding 4 месяца назад

It's up to each of us how long to wait for someone to heal and change. I've stayed in relationships far too long because of my anxious attachment style. But after recognizing it and working on myself, I've finally, finally realized that it's OK to just leave a situation that deep down you know isn't going to change or it's just not right for you. Ten years is a long time and if he hasn't changed in that time, he most likely won't ever change. It's OK to look after your own happiness and move on. Remember its not your job to fix him or heal him. You. Ant do it anyway no matter how much you showed him with love and affection. It's an internal battle he has to fight you have your own battles to fight and one of them might be anxious attachment. You aren't giving up on him by saying I love and care about you but I need something healthier for me.

@LenkaSingh-gl2be 4 месяца назад

I as FA if I ever said to anyone we are going to be together forever that would mean that to me 1000000% that person is the love of my life. Even if I said it once I can imagine. Appart from labels did you try to communicate what exactly it is you need from him? Did you ask if that's something he would want too? True is that relationship means a lot to FA'S. Once we realise we might loose that one person we are forced to look at our patterns and if we are ready we might really try to heal. If you are not getting what really you need even after expressing it clearly you can give him that time frame you would want to see some changes. Then if that doesn't help you can try no contact. It has very strong effect on my healing I have noticed. Although at the beginning it felt almost like a torture. I am lot more relaxed nowadays but that's just years of training from a DA 🙄

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

Yes, we do heal, but it has to be a priority. A person has to be introduced to it and has to be in a place where they can accept that it's what's needed for a relationship to progress and succeed.

@priyankajatoliya8773 3 месяца назад

I as an FA, has been on this journey and trust me if I say to someone that I love that person than yes I do love them. No contact has done tremendous effect on me positively for healing. Given timelines actually works for FAs and I know it can be very hard and difficult on the inside but I don't feel strong emotions for just anyone. We feel it rarely and no contact can bring those up.

@makayadejarnette6671 4 месяца назад

Is this security thing more about coming into acceptance of our needs and being more direct about getting our needs met vs suppressing them and getting them met in manipulative ways?

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

To a large extent, yes.

@zacpdx 4 месяца назад

Wish I would have seen this 8 months ago!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

❤

@imaginationstation321 3 месяца назад

Thanks for the great video will try use that tip to express we don't see each other enough. Something tho that's even harder is that she is distant and cold even when we are together. she barely kisses me anymore, never in mood for intimacy, and also barely talks now when we're together. Don't know how to communicate all this to her without pushing her away

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 месяца назад

I'm a healing FA. If someone were to approach me with this, I can try and give an example of how I'd like the conversation to go.. "Can we talk for a sec? I've noticed that you've seemed distant lately. I just want to make sure everything is okay with us. When we don't kiss and when you're quiet, it makes me feel (insert feeling). Is there anything you want to talk about?" Something along those lines likely wouldn't trigger me when I was unhealed. I think opening communication about it gives an opening of an issue that she may not feel comfortable bringing up.

@imaginationstation321 3 месяца назад

@SunshineAndSnowflakes thanks so much for tip, will try to bring it up like that with her, I miss the days when she was present with me and I'm sure this is alot because of her past, her dad left her when she was young and her ex fiance cheated on her so I understand why she's an avoidant but I want her to understand so badly that she can trust me

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 месяца назад

@@imaginationstation321 that's awful. The things that happen to us that bring us to our avoidant state can be extremely traumatic. Thank you for having patience with her. We struggle internally literally everyday..

@AubreyDenson 4 месяца назад

Can you do a video about a fearful avoidant remaining as a follower on your Instagram page and leaving old pictures up that still have captions of you as their significant other after the break up, please? Like what’s up with that?

@gatorssbm 4 месяца назад

Its a sign of indirectly reaching out, which is a really hard 50/50 option to attempt and reach out to them again. Just if you will attempt this, especially with the intention or not making it clear that you dont want a full steam ahead full connection like it used to theres a risk theyll pull back away. It sucks also risking this but if ya want to be safe Id wait until they are more direct/properly ready to reconnect which takes about 1-3 months or so of no contact. Even in my case where I tried to reach out after a month and was trying to keep the vibe just as friends they wouldnt stop going back into panic mode until I explicitly told them that I dont want to force anything. Just a very hard line to cross, but theyll come back around IF they have unresolved feelings/break up was sudden without many negative experiences. Well if they at least see if you improved anyway/doing good without them, if any sense of overdependence lingers or lack of boundaries theyll be on the run again.

@AubreyDenson 3 месяца назад

@@gatorssbm thank so much for responding ❤️I think he’s done though. I’m accepting it. He can continue to follow me and my family and my other pages if he wants. I’m just going to live my life because what else can I do? He said it’s over and he doesn’t see himself happy with me if we marry. I just will never understand saying I love you for the first time in his life at 45 on Feb 12,2024 and asking for a break on Vday. Then disappearing for weeks. Then coming back with venom. Like I was the worst person in the world. How did it all fall so fast? Suddenly, I’ve become the most awful person while still being, “the best girlfriend [he’s] ever had…feel like my life has no purpose now. No future.” Like WHATTTTTT? So, I complete you but you’re leaving me because the last three months were a little stressful? I’ll lose my mind as an anxiety preoccupied.

@gatorssbm 3 месяца назад

@@AubreyDenson If you truly see it that way and it feels unhealthy its best to move on if youre sure theyre done, do the best for yourself

@Saltyfly22 4 месяца назад

My FA wife was opposite of what you described. She would be very present and “hot” when we were apart such as at work. When I would get home, she was the opposite. Very cold and angry even. Is this coming with FAs?

@0Demiyah0 4 месяца назад

Probably more DA-leaning as an FA. Can it be that you polarize each other?

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

Yes, because she probably had that dynamic growing up. And the way you describe her is actually textbook disorganized style. It's common for a healed/healing FA to pull away when apart and be "hot" when you come back together.

@LenkaSingh-gl2be 3 месяца назад

I think it is as we can just flip in any case for so many different reasons. For being there too, not being there, not saying hello, saying it the wrong way, not being there, being there bit not present, not asking us to come close, demanding too much closeness...it's propably endless. As the other comment said I am now healing FA and definitely finding myself distancing when appart and trying to make the most of the time when together and trying to regulate and watch my reactions when together...but that's pretty long time into a healing and intense learning of attachment theory.

@noraa3815 3 месяца назад

I would never ever date an extreme fearful avoidant. It is traumatizing and you just have to walk on egg shells all the time; if you express your needs, you have to just give up and tend to their anxiety. It is literally impossible. Good luck to those who choose to date a FA.

@gatorssbm 4 месяца назад

Damn only 2-4 times a week of spending time? Heck its rare my partner misses more than a day in a week despite their random midday withdrawals, wonder what drives em to go beyond or if theyre ok with that. Been about a year of this.

@0Demiyah0 4 месяца назад

It would burn me out so bad even now that I am secure if I'd be intensely focused on a person all week. Do they not have their own hobbies, friendships, goals, me-time?

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

@@0Demiyah0 same. I love once a week. Ntm I'm way too busy for multiple days.

@gatorssbm 4 месяца назад

@@0Demiyah0 They do somehow with writing and art, if anything Im the one who feels like I long to do more stuff bc of them and my job. But even if it seems they dont want to hang out theyll reach out to me. I think it doesnt help I was very de attached at 1 point in relationship but Ive made it clear Im not going anywhere. They do seem a lot more confident these days so Im genuinely not sure its fear anymore, even still ask em if they want to take a breather early but no. Theyre def not anxiously attached Ive ruled it out over half a year ago. Thing just seems strange to me but cant complain too much.

@0Demiyah0 4 месяца назад

@@gatorssbm perhaps you need a breather and start doing some things for yourself again... because actually the same question relates to you... do you not have hobbies, friendships, family or me-time that you want to invest in? Do you take time off from being together to invest in yourself? It sounds like you are maybe a big complacent, letting them just come over and be there all the time while you start to ask for a breather. Sounds like you might need some space to get back to who you are...

@spiritwanderer777 2 месяца назад

My ex got annoyed that I pointed out (not even complained, just stated a fact) that we haven't talked once in 2 weeks. And this was when we were together for 2 years already. If you have low expectations I assure you theirs are lower.

@D_B6 3 месяца назад

Sounds like the way the then-Prince Charles behaved during his 'courtship' of Diana! He had his reasons, though, didn't he?

@ravena.2371 4 месяца назад

I am an FA leaning anxious, trying to heal. I understood that it would be still hard for me to ask for what I want without lots of expectations bc I would only try to date a person that I have strong feelings for… I don’t see a point in getting with a person that I kinda like, I’m not a teenager. And on top of that, there isn’t so many people around me I find attractive…

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 месяца назад

I would try healing your attachment style. ❤