The more I find myself pleasing a certain 'friend', the more they take me for granted. I am fed up with being abused in this way. I know I have to stand up for myself and stop making excuses for their behaviour. Thank you for this helpful video.
I'm in the same situation. I'm finding that when I set firm boundaries, the friend actually accepts them, and also I feel better being around them. Setting boundaries against wanting to do things for them is work though and I do feel like I'm doing the work to keep our friendship healthy. It's a tricky situation.
@@kikijewell2967Obviously it depends on the specifics of your relationship if this applies, but just a thought that may be helpful (dismiss if it's not): it's possible you're not doing the work of keeping the friendship healthy, but simply doing the work of keeping yourself healthy. (It helped me enormously with misplaced resentment when I realised this about myself) It is, in principle, actually okay if your friends assume that whatever you're doing you're doing willingly and happily. That's how things are supposed to be. As people pleasers we can easily feel wronged in a way if an interaction "forces" us to say no - because it feels so uncomfortable to say no. But that is within ourselves, saying no is normal to "healthy" people, and just a part of living as an adult human. If your friend seems happy to accept your boundaries when you make them clear, the friendship is likely perfectly fine - even though it may still feel hard for you to behave in this way. It gets easier with practise.
@@st6576 I was taken for granted by a group of people I thought were friends for the longest time. I ended up cutting them out of my life because things just weren't changing no matter what and it's been so much better for me mentally. I still sometimes mourn that past friendship, but I'd rather be occasionally melancholy than constantly neglected and abused.
“We tend to leave ourselves and our body behind to please the other person.” Holy shit that’s the most accurate way I’ve heard people pleasing described. At this point, I’m not even aware of my own body when I’m asked something. I’m still not sure how to make myself pause before answering. Think before speaking. And it causes me to speak and agree to things without thinking beforehand.
Practice and reminding yourself. That’s how you learn to make yourself pause. I’m still working on this, but with years of mindfulness practice I have definitely gotten better at it and and going to start reminding myself to remind myself I am safe during conversations too. That’s where I still need the most help😢
Do you experience this where you start speaking like the person in front of you, and acting like them, and choosing what to say according to what you think they'd want to hear? Or, when trying not to do that, just going mute?
Stop putting your energy out there. You are not responsible for their happiness - they are. Bring all of your energy back into your body and be fully present and powerful.
...I mean, typically in healthy relationships, the other person still wants you to be happy. I don't think this is an all or nothing scenario. In a healthy relationship, the other person doesn't want you to do things you don't want to do, either. And she was explicitly talking about healthy relationships. Sometimes I think it's just hard to get out of the mindset that all the other relationships out you in.
@@smol-one take it in the context I intended. Many people give their energy away - to everyone - instead of keeping it. It is of the utmost importance that we remain fully empowered to bring our best. People pleasing is not the way to have healthy respectful relationships of any kind.
I’m 54. I over did the people pleasing for over 40 years easily…eventually I saw how I was still irrelevant and uncared for by everyone and it finally got to me. Eventually seeing that it never got me anywhere , i have changed without me trying. I suppose I have become so resentful being so uncared for that I automatically have gone the other way. People ask me to do things now and I take my time thinking about even if I should acknowledge their stupid request. And once I do, it’s usually, NUP.
Getting older, I have become far more assertive and no longer afraid that others won't like me anymore if I say "no" to a request or suggestion. I like myself more and so do they, funnily enough.
I like this technique. Recently, I've taken to saying to myself, "I'm an adult, and I can make my own choices without asking permission," and then I respond with a "no" to the request.
Holy fuck, the whole "leaving your body" thing is so relatable. I usually kinda put myself in autopilot and just... Exist to help everyone. But when it gets too much for me, I'm hit with the reality that I feel used and overworked and have a breakdown over it
After watching this I realize I'm not a people pleaser because I only do things to please people if I also enjoy doing it regardless of them being there. Use this as a technique to allow yourself to be happy and make those around you happy at the same time without sacrificing yourself to make others happy.
Lol, my husband texts me asap after his plane touches the ground. I don’t answer ( I’m driving ). A second text comes. I don’t look at it either (I’m driving). I do not increase my speed. Next, he calls my car …. I answer. “Did you get my texts? he says ( never, “Hello my love, I can’t wait to see you!) no, just “Did you get my texts?” I tell him “no I’m driving. I have a ways to go yet.” He asks if there was a back up in the traffic?? I tell him no. There is no back up. I tell him: “you just sit tight, till I get there.” I continue a moderate speed ( conscious of my reactions ). I am doing good. At arrivals I slow down further as required. There he is. Waiting. And …. he lived. And … I felt safe in myself for handling it as I did. Sometimes you just have to wait. Stop texting your ride. Stop calling your ride. Stop. 😮
My gf will love this! We're working on helping her place her boundaries, and she noticed that she tends to say yes to a lot of things out of habit rather than because she either WANTS to do it or is okay putting herself aside in the moment (which we both do for each other, as a conscious choice).
Dear friend. Once she gets her boundaries in place, there's a terrifically huge chance she will break up with you. I highly recommend that you are at least aware of this possibility. Wishing you the best.
Very few people are actually people pleasers. Because nearly all who try to do so, fail at it. Only when I accepted that I was a nearly 100% failure at pleasing others did it become much easier to stop trying!
I think what you mean is that very few people are SUCCESSFUL people pleasers. we usually fail at pleasing people and sometimes it’s downright antithetical to the health of the friendship/relationship. I really like the way you describe this - I’m going to remember this in the future.
This is briliant observation! I've never realized this myself but this is spot-on. Another method I've come up with is to give youself a second and imagine a wall between you and the other person. Helps me to stay within myself instead of switching to the "pleaser mode".
Overthinking and over analyzing separate you from your body. Chill and love yourself enough to protect yourself. Volunteering somewhere in your community helps build strength of character and you could be undefeatable! ❤ and ✌️
This also helps in any conversation with anybody. Even in dealing with an unsafe person. You can call it self safety. I call it grounding. If you are grounded in protecting yourself and being present in this very moment you will respond with clear concise decisions. I understand the unsafe “feeling” you have but use your knowledge of this person to calm them down, get to a safe place within the conversation. You aren’t being heard by these people anyway so it’s all about calming and protecting yourself. It’s not a conversation. And question “what do I need to do to get away from this person now and/or permanently.” When it’s physical, that’s a whole other story.
Sometimes when I feel myself leave in order to get on with whatever someone else needs me to do, I think about the Noppera-bo arc in Mononoke (the series). I don't remember the exact episode, but as the woman remembers the times she ignored her own desires to instead be what others wanted her to be it's visualized as her leaving her body and drifting away through the walls. It's always struck me how relatable that felt, and I guess I know why now.
This is what radical self-care looks like. It's one thing to say know. It's another thing entirely to tell yourself it's okay to say no *even* when the other person wishes you would say yes.
*Please* do a video that teaches people to say "No" - the actual word "no." I work in Customer Service and I constantly have to interpret replies like "I'm OK," "I'm fine," and "I'm good," when they really mean "No." I didn't ask them "How are you?" They are strangers with whom I'm having a 20-second conversation; I don't CARE how they are. I'm at work, asking them a BUSINESS question. No one says a simple "No, thank you" anymore. When did "no" become a dirty word?
I suppose they’re trying to be polite, not saying I’m taking their side but “No thanks” can seem quite blunt in comparison to the responses you mentioned. Also you can use context to help you ‘interpret’ their replies, like if you were asking if they wanted something, and they say “I’m good” I think it’s quite clear they don’t mean to say that they want what you’ve offered them 😊
Thank you for making this video. It was 100% what I needed to here this morning. My people pleasing comes from childhood trauma but through therapy and videos such as yours I am beginning to be mindful of my present and look after myself ❤😊
Yes, I got this intuitively some months ago, and since, was doing the exact what you have described. Now, this is the one and only way that I use when having difficulty to say no.
I've embraced 'my first answer is no' when someone asks for me to do some. If its something I truly dont want to do, I dont change my answer. If the request something I don't mind doing, I'll "change my mind." Has the secondary benefit of them feeling like they "convinced" me
Most of the practice I've had with these tips has been in abusive relationships I didn't realize were abusive and now they all make me skeptical af about trying these with people
I like helping out other people and forgetting my own problems behind... it's incredibly refreshing to forget about myself temporarily .. you can actually say that people pleasing brings me joy... I actually love doing it.. I honestly do tho
Then that’s not people pleasing. People pleasing is a mechanism used because you don’t feel safe saying no. You seem to do it out of genuine enjoyment and will. However, do be careful to not neglect yourself as this can be / become a form of escapism (to avoid dealing with your own problems).
@existentialchaos8 is very true indeed... thanks so much for sharing... I always appreciate feedback... you are making me understand how to be a better person... thank you for that
Maybe that's just acts of service? Idk, but it's what I guess it is because I can relate to this. I have people pleasing tendencies, but I also do like doing things for people sometimes, and just like you, it brings me joy. But I've never thought of those moments as people pleasing because for me, I can feel the difference. When I do that, I usually do it because I want to unlike when I people please.
Thank you so so so much for this advice!!! It’s simple, practical and something I feel like I can actually do in the moment. I appreciate this so much and am going to start trying this, I hope it will help me on my recovery from people pleasing. ❤❤❤
@@haileypaigemagee Thank you! That’s really good to hear. Just as you were explaining it, I realized that the reason I’m people pleasing is because it was my way to keep myself safe. I like that you said in the beginning that it doesn’t work with abusive relationships. There’s some people I won’t be able to use this with right now, but in most other areas, I’m so glad that you gave me the mantra of “I am safe here and now” and that I can make this decision based on myself, not others. Thank you! 💗💗
Sweet lady , from one one who is obese and wishes to be a healthy weight, I say " please yourself with some nice meals for your healths' sake as I am pleasing myself with a low calorie diet."
i’m a recovering people pleaser. I understand what you’re saying. When you people please, you’re not in the moment. Your thoughts are usually in the future about how you’re going to make the other person feel or how they’re going to feel about you once you please them, but I certainly never felt like I was leaving my body. If I had, I would probably still be people pleasing. That sounds like a lot of fun. 😂
Here is a really hard and deep fact.....most people who commit suicide are people pleasers, they cannot say no, the stress piles up and they fall ill. When i learnt to say no (respectfully) i freed myself from other people.
In my experience the illness is exacerbated by exactly what she’s talking about. Dishonoring your own needs. You have to build up a habit of getting more into your body. When you focus your energy into yourself you give your body opportunity to heal (though it will be a process over time). I don’t know if this helps but I really wish you the best!
Thank you for your thoughtful and generous response! I have been learning about neuroregulation and somatic therapies lately, and these seem to point in the same direction that you recommend. I will look inward to explore further; thank you for the confirmation. Best to you! 🪷🪷
"People pleasing" ruined my life. Everyone that pretended to like me only worked me like a discount service. Now I'm all alone but I feel much better and have more money . . .
What does it mean to feel like one is "leaving one's body" in these kinds of situations? That seems like the kind of defence mechanism one evolves to separate oneself from one's body in a situation where the latter is suffering- illness or injury, for example. I am interested in this scenario you have here offered because it almost sounds like the opposite- the body is safe and one is spiritually or psychologically leaving it to enter the "unsafe" world of doing what the other person wants. Alternatively, how does it actually feel to have this experience on several levels- 1. How does the matter of deciding whether to do something someone else wants become a matter of safety? In a non-abusive context. 2. How did you come to the realization that this experience has this 'out of body' quality? 3. How did you observe that, given that quality, it seemed like the body was the locus of safety rather than the opposite, the body as the seat of vulnerability?
My go-to is looking straight into the person's eyes and saying this: "Take a good look at my face. Does this face look to you as if it gives a flying f**k about whatever it is that you are rambling on and on about? go away. now." -C
I love this video, but what to do in unhealthy realtionship - family, siblings etc? How to not people-please when pushed and forced to do sth? This is absolutely insane how they force me into things, when I see it from the distance - takes a lot of energy to stand to myself and refuse (refuse to not "I broke my leg, please help me" thing, it is their controlling me like "you can't lend you bike to your friend even if you won't use it this summer" thing. They will not abandon the subject ever. They can call every day trying to forbid me doing anything with what I own and yelling at me - and no, it was not about 18 yo me but 30 yo me.)
Please note this is my opinion --- but The fact that you dont feel safe when someone requests for you to do something is quite concerning to me. We have raised an incredibly soft generation. This is such a western ideology because if this is what you think being "unsafe" is then i cannot imagine how you would respond in actual unsafe situations and, heaven forbid, you dont ever encounter them
People who watch these videos have a lot of abuse history, and have trouble telling the difference between healthy asking and unhealthy asking...partly because they may have been slapped around by their dad or mom for not being narcissistic supply for them. So we're here to relearn how to respond
“Let me think about that and get back to you”. What do you need to think about? “Let me think about that and get back to you”. It’s a simple request! “Let me think about that and get back to you”. Fine. “I’ve thought about it and that doesn’t work for me”. Why, why doesn’t it work for you? “I’ve thought about it and it just doesn’t work for me”. Can you give me a reason? “I’ve thought about it and it just doesn’t work for me”. Just learn your script. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
i can do thatc ground myself and say i'm safe, but what abt after? bc jst as soon as i mentally tell myself i'm safe, my brain goes "yeah but u wont be if u say what ur abt to say"
Was just trying to find a quick search for a better coping method or tip. Typically Tik tok will have those girls that are able to give you quick tips. You didn’t say a single thing that wasn’t already known. Your ‘3 sec’ thing was just a continuous yap leading up to your book.
No ppl pleasing Equals no ppl pleased to be around For me Oh well, I’m fine being with an internet full of info n my several thousand books and a laptop to write on and my Bible n study books and music and pets…
You can either please other people, or you can have their respect. People quickly lose respect for someone who is always doing what they can to please them. Doing that places you so much lower than them on the social ladder that they instinctively stop respecting you. They may not even be aware themselves that they are losing respect for you. Do you respect a doormat, or do you just use it?
