I did this the other day with a guy who had been texting me for two weeks.... his response... pen pal I don't want to be your pen pal! I didn't know I can call. Now he calls and makes jokes with me!! Thank you Matthew.
@@hananeameur8738 basically someone that writes to you, traditionally in letter form. Pen pals inform each other of whats happening in each other's lives. It gives the impression they're just friends and that she just wants to remain that way
Martina Castelli it's good. But it that exact line had the opposite effect on me in college. A girl said it to me my freshman year of college. I lacked a lot of confidence and didn't know how to respond. Just like the guy in the video did, I took it as a negative. Except due to my lack of confidence it resulted in a permanent friend zone relationship from both ends. His advice is decent, just know your target.
there are many reasons why he texts and does not call: 1. He has been staying with a very strict order of nuns who have asked him to join them in a vow silence. Texting is his only option. 2. He knows the Sister Wives would get jealous if they were to overhear. 3. He is green and red colorblind so he tries to call but keeps hitting "End" instead. 4. There is a really bad echo in his mom's basement. 5. He is hard of hearing since that insane Yanni concert and can only shout now when speaking. 6. He is a phone calling addict and he's on Step 5 of his recovery. One Day at a Time! 7. Guinness World Record Holder for Number of Marbles in Mouth. 8. Afraid to reveal he talks like Mickey Mouse on helium. 9. Shanking his cell mate means no phone calls, only texting, as punishment. 10. He's only setting the bar as low as you allow!!!
OMG! Who are you??? You are SO funny! I am stealing all of these. It's happening, once it's on the internet it's public domain. Regarding #10, I was once asked why I set my bar so high and my answer was that, no matter how LOW I set my bar, every guy always comes in under it. The guy asking the question backed way off and never asked me out. I think I dodged a bullet. Ha! Yanni.
TheShabby Attic ... OMFG your comment was so freaking funny I had to hold myself to keep from peeing ... You have a great sense of humor ... as well as a great expressive writing ability ... Have A Wonderful Life and Thank You for the Laughter!!! ... 🙃 ...
I literally just called the guy but hung up in 5 secs because I got scared then he called me back straight away and spoke for over 15mins!! Woop success!
I'm thinking it's because the women and men of yesterday's history really settled. Didn't get to know someone. Hormones or attraction pressure from family were the main cause for marrying. Now women can realize keep dating talking to men and grow in competence... And find out what you like and don't like what man you like allot and eventually give 100% occupancy to and marry and on that honey moon make it complete by consummating that 100% attraction, love, like feeling by giving your all to each other that nite... Just the beginning of expressing love on a greater level. Women and men can hold on to their hearts and little by little know who that one is that they love. Imagine looking at someone and saying I love you (as in mating and sharing life together forever and they came to the same conclusion or vice versa?... Well, actually the guy taking the lead as the woman hopefully been given time enough to feel, sense AND know she does) so many quick hook ups, dating a very short time and getting physical so soon that it is blinding... Mixing up "do we even KNOW them"? Man this guy really helps us out so much like the big brother I didn't realize I needed. Religious leaders don't really spend allot of time on this I see and noticed but of course on the individual person, yes. It's this though that is the foundation of a home (heart of love nest) and then children and this a family... And then families that create a city.. And cities makes a state and states make country .. And all over this world this "foundation" can be started right. Yes, marriages years ago lasted because they waited to express sex on their honeymoon BUT the virginity isn't the thing... It's the man and woman eventually in time knowing who the heck they are attracted to in so many ways and are compatible with and not just attracted to..(the respect for God caused people to give sexual consummation on wedding nite/honeymoon... It's just that the man and woman ended up out of respect staying together..... No matter what which is like a pride thing to if course tell the world... Oh we've been together for 50 years or 60 or 70.... And they mostly are just bearing this vow... allot .... Like some people I saw as a kid... Were rather loveless... No affection I hardly saw.... They didn't like each other.... But by God they were determined to stick together. But even God wants people to get to know about him for (for me personally it took 3 1/2 to study of God n his ways n his personality) then they can say is they love him or not.... So these people ..."back in the day would say I love you too kind of 1/2 way stranger... And VOW and yet for some it may have been the sex can take place.... So a license!!! So they stay together after that out of soooo many reasons. I forgot the word Matthew used... But it's not one person caring and giving and fretting over the relationship. But you give some attention ... See if it is returned.... Give some attention... See if it's reciprocated. Like a lever... This is why true love can happen but that's why it's complicated,...... Can you imagine how your grandma may have asked if this was available to her to see back then.... She may have had the question..."why are marriages so depressing and sad to behold? Why are my parents married? " How grieving God must be. He made it much stress free for the original date. No stress. Just had to put the woman in front of the man. And he knew.
I'm gay and I have very loving and stable relationship with my girlfriend, so right now I don't need any advice, yet I have to watch every video from this guy. He's hypnotizingly handsome and his voice sounds like pouring liquid caramel and honey.
The funniest thing about this video is, I just realized, this is how you train dogs! Seriously. Nuanced correction ("penpal") , and then reward ("hearing your voice...flustered...etc.) for positive result (receiving phone calls and not just texts), and not punishment for an undesired result, but more of a simple rewiring to show the dog what you WOULD like in place of the undesirable trait. Think you on THAT! Other dog trainers.This is so funny to me, bc if you actually called a man a dog he would find it offensive. but if you think in this term, you can guide a man (or person) to give you what you want.
Yep, we're all mammals aren't we? Works with kids, with dogs, with friends, with ladies... main difference being that dogs and kids can't say "ok, I'm not into this so bye". I mean, if one can behave like an actual "trainer" with someone, punishing and stuff, maybe one just got into aaanother parent-kid relationship. Way more usual with the mom-son dynamic, but I'm the sensitive kind of guy so yeah, I've seen the dad-daughter side. THAT was some drama. PS: it sure doesn't work with my funny senile grandpa. Seems like memory is key.
persona non grata I highly recommend the 1950's movie 'If a man Answers" with Sandra Dee. So fun for a girls movie night, you can heckle it, enjoy it, and learn how to train your puppy.
The line I have used after so many texts was a simple comment that was playful. something like, "well, my thumbs are pretty tired. Too bad there isn't an invention to speak to each other as if we were in the same room 😉." This simple comment, gets the hint across that I'm not willing to just text and I'd like to move forward with a phone call without being bossy or pushy.
I mean this comment seems passive aggressive whereas just ending the line at “My thumbs are tired!” Would have gotten the point across without the attitude
Matthew makes me realize I'm going to be single forever LOL. Each video I realize I could do one thing he suggests, but the rest of the things he suggests are just not me. I feel like I'm lying to a guy if at the beginning of relationship/dating I'm doing things I would never do, and then three months down the road I'm my "true self".
So in other words, me writing down topics to take to a dinner party is not stupid or weird, because other people do it, too. I can't even tell you how relieved I am to hear this. I like to be prepared for a lot of situations (dates, speeches at work, power outages, etc.) but my friends are always teasing me about it and then I've felt neurotic and stupid. Not anymore. Thanks so much for this video, I really needed to hear it.
With the right guy, you won’t have to think what to say, how to say etc. it will flow… Matthew is great and I love his advice, but I also know that we don’t have to work too hard to get the guy who is emotionally available, healthy, mature and attracted to us.
I got my help from someone, he was the only one who was able to bring back my ex wife and it works very fast and I believe he can solve your relationship problems ❤❤❤
I have spent about 5 years looking for relationship advice after losing myself in a mutually toxic relationship. Have to say, you hit it home here, the first time a light went off. Thank you and much respect for this video.
I know he is giving advice to women on dating men, but as I man I am learning a ton from Matt. Thank you Matthew! You are competent and confident in what you do, and that in itself is contagious.
Woah, I'm so happy there were no cell phones or text messages when I used to go to this kind of dates. Speaking on the phone was so normal, We used to do it all night long. I loved it.
The guy I'm seeing now calls me every night....we talk from 2 - 7 hours...it's exhausting..haha...wish he would send a text sometimes, but I love his stories
I was born in ‘93 so growing up talking on the phone for hours to anyone was normal but once I got into high school it became less of a thing. Now I just feel totally awkward doing it!
I just encountered the voice thing recently - after ending an almost 5 hour long skype call (the life of a gamer) I feel this urge to apologise for what I felt was rambling, and her reply was "with that accent, you could talk about anything and I'd be content" - just to point out, I'm Scottish, and this girl is from Florida. What this said to me, was that while we flirt and are attracted to each other physically, it's not just flirting and we have so much in common that we can bounce from topic to topic, almost seamlessly and completely lose track of time.
I love these deep, longer videos, that give us a glimpse into your life and why you do what you do. Very refreshing and such a boost to my day ~ thank you!
This is a a great reminder of confidence and competence. Thanks! I got thinking of how I really miss the days when a call and a date was the only way. When a message was sent direct to the phone, not an app. Also many comments here have given me some things to consider. How lovely the Universe has directed me here. Thank you Mattew Hussey and thanks to the people who have shared perspective. 💛
I think we need to remember that nobody is perfect or needs to be super competent as long as we are willing to willing to take some risks, be genuinely interested in learning to know about the other person and just be in a good, positive mood and be kind and warm. Also being a good listener is key to good communication.
OMG THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID TO THE GUY I LIKED WHO WOULD JUST TEXT ME!! I TOLD HIM "we are like pen pals" and it didn't work...he still kept texting me.....i did it through text not phone tho. but ugh why did it work with your girl. I GIVE UP LOL
I guess the power of your message to him got kinda lost since you were textinh him too. try giving him a call and say that you wanna get out of this pen-pal-zone :)
Yes I agree with Ryan. WhatwouldKarlaSay, it worked with Matthew's girl because she miscalled him, giving him the license to call her back, and then said while they chatting on the phone. It didn't work with you because you texted him. If you want your guy to call you,try giving him a call like Matthew's girl did, and if your guy doesn't answer that's ok. He'll see your miscall on his phone and should call you back. Don't give up! Hope this helps :)
This is one of those videos that has a potential to change lives. As a guy, my mind has been blown when you spoke about structure and spontaneity. While I am not a very confident person, in social situations I just tend to tell myself just be you and if it doesn't work its not your fault. While on the surface that is not a bad idea but I have had many moments in my life where I felt unprepared for these situations - specifically, I had little control over what I want and should say. The story of "being the best dinner guest" is absolutely crucial as my naive self think people who are very likable and have these amazing stories to tell and when to tell them are rare as it is just in their nature. To my pleasure I was proven wrong. I will try now to bring structure to my spontaneity and balancing my own personality. Thank you Matthew!
My ex was autistic and would put himself in situations where he had to talk with unfamiliar people. If you want to be good at anything you need to practice it
I've met a couple girls who have said to me "I actually prefer talking on the phone to texting" and I say "Oh okay!" and that's the end of it. We talk on the phone. I also know people who are really busy and can't field voice calls well, so texting works better. I feel like the key is to just tell people what you want. You're right - you need to be a competent communicator, however I feel like it would be easy for someone to watch this video and think that scripting is the way to become a competent communicator.
I agree with you Matt to a point. I was friends with this guy via text for over a year before he finally asked me out. We had our first date and it was great. All of our conversations fell into place. Unfortunately he's back to texting now for the last 2 weeks. I'm sick of it. I've used the pen pal line because it's so true. We live 2 hours apart and he's coming to my home this weekend. I told him that we have to sit down and have that uncomfortable conversation about how I feel it's disrespectful to text me verses call. We're in our mid 40's and divorced. If this is what I have to look forward to then I don't want it in my life.
Speaking of competence. One technique I’ve learned is to always use terms that you want the other person to use or be. For example at the end of this video you said “never forget” which indicates that you feel they will (forget) verses using “always remember” which is positive and portrays what you want that person to do. (Remember). It’s like saying don’t mess up or don’t fall. Now all you are thinking about is falling. When instead you can say hold tight or steady movements and now their focus and attention is on holding tight or staying steady.
I agree. however there is some information that I need to get out there to the intended person that I live. And I am not always very good with words in person and I am a much better WRITER with English, thank you, than I am at speaking with personal relationships. If I am doing business sometimes the speaking comes naturally or if a more difficult presentation then I have to prepare for it in advance by writing and practicing NY speeches for public speaking.
Matthew, Seeing the positive evolution of your competence and confidence in giving life and dating advice is almost as satisfying as listening to you give it.
Matthew what she said about your voice is im sure how all us ladies think about when ur videos end lol... I'm trying so hard to get my confidence back so this confidence and competence has been very helpfull. x
Matthew, I LOVE this episode! I never realized that Competence was a key factor. Because of YOU, I am going to further study how to be more COMPETENT in my love life. You are AMAZING! Thank You.
In a platonic relationship: I have a guy where I’m more nervous to call him and never start a call unless he calls first. This one time a friend told me to just call him. I was so embarrassed, but I didn’t say (text) anything else when he didn’t answer. The next morning, the first text I got was asking if I could call. Coming from a guy that is busy 24/7 it made me feel great that he made the time to talk for an hour. So yeah, try calling the guy and if he’s sweet, he’ll make time to call you back. :))
Thank you for the brilliant advice. It makes so much sense! In fact a guy I’ve been texting, I used the script of being a pen pal. Holy crap he responded so quick. Competence and confident, sending the right signals.
@@lisaaustin4561 Its truth Lisa, quality women dont call first ... i was thinking the same, im tired of making things in order to keep a man into me, its boring.
Yes but she is right!! When is the right moment to call out of the blue?? When he's been ghosting me? When he doesn't initiate a conversation, I'm not gonna call him!!😑
Confidence vs Competence, Matthew, you not only just helped with relationship, but also with communicating my thinking in work, school and many aspects
Hmmm... When I say I'd like a guy to phone me not text me, I mean I want him to need to talk to me more often than we meet, to want to hear my voice, to be interested in my opinion. I don't mean he should call me because he feels sexy doing that. For me his motivation is more important than the result.
Dear Huessy, You've really convinced me nicely in agreement. Confidence vs Competence. Structure vs Spontaneous. Thanks for teaching and illustrating this.. It will change my life.
I don't know how this might go over but I think that if you are naturally good at showing your best traits and good at conversations with all different types of people, don't let yourself get nervous and stop thinking when that certain person comes around. I myself have just realized that if I just pulled out a good conversation starter around the person I like then everything would flow smoothly. But instead, the whole time she's standing in front of me I'm sitting there mentally stressing over what to do and what to say and worrying that she might not like me. Next time I'm just going to get better mental control and be relaxed and my normal self. And open my bag of tricks. I've had trouble gaining this woman's interest since the moment I started to care to much even though I had it at the beginning. Now perhaps I can salvage it. Thank you for this video and your advice. Its brilliant and you are brilliant Matthew.
When people are thrust into a survival situation, they default to the highest level they have mastered. Confidence is irrelevant when confronted with a performance situation. As master Yoda said, "Do or do not, there is no try." Life is pass fail, but the level of ignorance required to say "All you need is confidence." is absolutely staggering. Confidence not born from competence is hubris.
THIS WORKED FOR ME. I told the guy I was talking to for two months on Bumble that this was getting boring and said if he wanted to actually make plans and get together we could! He. said he understood. We. didn't talk for a week, then I messaged him. He said he's going to call me tomorrow. :)
You are so amazing, you have been bringing a lot of power and magic into my life, great job Matt ❤️️, always know how to get over my weak moments by searching for your advice, now I have reached a lot of peace in my soul
I love the dinner guest story. Mrs. Astor used to say that when you’re invited as guests to dinner you have a job to do. You’re not to sit there like a lump, your job is to be interesting, curious, entertaining and keep the flow of the conversation going. Great advice all around
My grandparents are since 50 years together and they told me the only thing that count is love, respect and apriciation. They didn't had youtube or all these trainers. Just be yourself and say what you feel, real love is unconditional expect nothing. I just talk to the ladys, look them in the eyes and in the first seconds you gonna feel it or not. Of course he says some good things but at the end of the day if you don't love yourself you can't give love to another person. Love starts with yourself, how you threat you, you gonna threath other. Beings. if you have to do all that shit he is telling just to get someones attention or love its not worth it. If you don't get the attention instantly then move on he don't want you. If he looks to other womens he don't respect you. If he look away when a nice women is passing he loves you and never want give you the feeling that he likes othe girls.
I totally saw this as advice for my class. I'm a teacher and not getting through to my kids and if you exchange "guy" with "class" you got yourself a teacher self help video... I think this fits to so many areas of your life where you have to deal with people!
I always come back to this video! Used the pen pal comment on someone recently and within 5 minutes I had him calling me. Pen pal status did not set well with him 😉 thank you Matthew 💕
The only problem with all of this is...ppl online, many of them are social misfits. So they feel much better with hiding behind a keyboard..and then resorting to text messg bec they are like technology robots...any technology that comes along, they blindly fall into that trap. So they go from texting online...words are TEXTS, to texting in another format which is dumb. Many ppl are blind followers and they seem reluctant to do what REALLY allows them to connect with others. Nothing replaces voice inflections, how words are emphasized in regular speech, and body language/eye contact in person. Ppl think technology brings them closer, which is not true, but they are convinced that the untruth is truth.
I don't always watch your videos for relationship advice. You're a great motivational speaker and some of your videos inspire me. Your videos really help me build confidence and improve my communication skills! Thanks Matt :)
The word PENPAL is amazing. Ty. I met a guy thru games online and he is very shy to use voice to communicate and had been very antisocial for the past few years. I used this word and said it playful and also encouraged him a lot and now we have no problem using voice calling each other now. Tbh it wouldn’t work if he doesn’t care about me fundamentally. But these words of choice are crucial to push guys to do the RIGHT THING.
Totally agree. Confidence is rooted in succesful experiences, and succesful experiences are based on skills. Confidence is the result, not the start of action. I am a singer, and it is profound, profound preparation and knowing my instrument that allows me to deal with nerves, not confidence taken from the air.
Matthew! I found this video really interesting! Thank you! I think what struck me the most even after the brilliant lines that got you to call instead of text, was your overall message of confidence versus competence. This sparked a question in me that I hope you answer! My question is: how do you stay confident in situations where you don't connect with the people. Maybe its a dinner party, or whatever it may be. Some situation you get yourself into where you can't be totally confident because the people are not responding to what you have to say. I've had hard times in the past where I will tell compelling stories, or jokes, etc. and the majority respond positively. On the other hand, people may not have my same sense of humor, or may not connect to my story. Then all of a sudden, I shut down. I don't want to say anything else. I am usually a confident person but when I get negative feedback it kind of sucks and I feel less confident and competent. I want to be able to overcome this. I know you are a very intelligent guy who might be able to help so I thought I'd give this question a shot :P
Yes I rehearsed my wedding speech over and over again. It went beautifully. I rehearse everything which I need to do with people. It all helps to become competent!
This stuff is brilliant and totally works.I have actually used these words to a potential beau who lives interstate. He rang me IMMEDIATELY after I sent him the text " I feel like we're pen-pals". We had a long conversation, and he said he'd ring me more often. BINGO!!
Thank you for this Matthew. It is so true, you still need structure. I am the Manager of two departments in my company, Membership and Events. As a membership manager, I have more experience in customer service and even though i don't rehearse for specific meetings I do my own research about the companies I am meeting to be able to surprise them by linking the meeting with something I read about them in the news. That shows that I care about them, about how they perform, that shows that I am prepared and informed. I give them the chance to tell me their stories. When it comes to events, I need more preparation, if i organise a Conference about Cybersecurity, i prepare welcome remarks, talking points, and questions in case i need to heat the environment. I also prepare questions for the speakers to ask participants. Same in our marriage, my husband and i are from different countries and use a third language to communicate, when I want to communicate something that is very important to the two of us I use Chinese. it is not my mother tongue but it means I need him to understand it and I am making a great effort. Before we started dating we both did research on each other's countries/cultures, we confessed later that we had to go online to find questions and plans for dates. All your tips could be applied to different areas in life.
Just met a guy (I think) online I told him after four days of messaging that I'd love to hear his voice. He said "me too, but just please not today, I'm coming down with something and my voice is coarse, I don't want to make a bad impression" excuses like that are huge red flags! He continued to text me so I told after a few more days, I didn't like texting and wanted to put communication on hold until he felt better and felt up for a call. He said ok...that was two days ago, I've heard nothing. I plan to block him tomorrow if I still haven't received a call. Lots of married men out there looking for ego boosts...do not get sucked in by texting!
Sometimes he might be a great guy... just an unprepared one... Some guys are very shy but hidden trasures at the same time :-) Just sayin :-) Matthew once talked about that :-)
Definition of chivalry 1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms. 2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood. 3. the medieval system or institution of knighthood. 4. a group of knights. 5. gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry. 6. Archaic.a chivalrous act; gallant deed.
About time someone articulated this. It's always been irritating when people go on about "just be confident". To be confident you have to have the goods to give you the self assurance that creates the confidence. This applies to physical appearance and presentation, including the a person making the choice to correct a physical feature with a cosmetic procedure to give them the self assurance in what they have to offer physically and therefore emitting the confidence that comes with that.
On point Matt. I am a confident byatch, but not competent. I am in shape, full time employed with a great job, beautiful lol, clean and polite. I only attract losers 😕 meh need your courses!!!!
This is why I love this guy: he's genuinely intelligent and thoughtful, and understands that on most of these issues the truth is nuanced and lies somewhere between the two positions in conflict.
If I have been texting a guy for awhile, 1/2 wks, if I call him & that guy doesn't call me back, I'm done. Respect works both ways. For me it all comes down to respect. If the guy can't respect me enough to call me back or answer the phone, I automatically lose all respect for him. Why, because he never had any respect for me in the first place. My walk away game is strong and legit.
I've tried every suggestion I have seen you talk about. From texting to talking~he is not budging; I really like him and it has been three years. . .I don't know what else to do
Hey Matthew! What's your opinion on being very straight-forward?? I'm a person that says what's on their mind and doesn't beat around the bush per se...
I found your video insightful. My favorite part was when you mentioned communication. It is absolutely about competence. The rehearsal and competence stems from understanding yourself and knowing what type of interaction you prefer. When women spoke of confidence they were probably correct but expressing yourself is different. Most semantic judo is based on dominance. We usually don't know we do it. It is hard to break through and genuinely express yourself. Believe it or not, honesty and an ability to express yourself is desirable. The ones that tend to desire it are beyond simple manipulation and are rare. So again is honesty and an ability to express yourself. I think you have a wonderful understanding of the wooing dance. I would love a book list
