Esther Perel on The Signs of a Doomed Relationship | JHS Ep. 911 

Yes I agree!! 😊

Me too omg I love the way she explains things and uses her hands when talking

you need to get out more

@@antonroux6737no need to rain on someone else’s parade, friend. I try and just move along if I don’t agree. However, I fully agree that this woman’s insight is very valuable. A lot of people don’t have the knowledge and experience to navigate toxic relationship dynamics.

Same!!! she is the full embodiment of what a hero looks like to me. I’m consistently astounded by the brilliance that just naturally flows from her and the ease in which she translates human behaviors to root issues.

when youre European, "knowing" multiple languages is like a NYer understanding somebody from Louisiana...thats not a flex

Very true, as much as Americans hate to say it our culture is a mix of many cultures. What's great about her research is we all seem to have the same relationship issues 😆

​You are joking, aren't you ? Or just being cynical.

yet she is never condescending and cold. she always tries to use her wisdom to help. that is true love and compassion. ❤

​@@hedgedrisk6487 Yes, it is. You obviously don't speak any. And parroting a few foreign phrases doesn't count.

Thank you.

I didn't really hear the answer except for her to say her answers are dependent on the context of the person or people.

Neither of them actually address this.

@@helenaquin1797 From what I recall, the only concrete example she provided was a couple in which one person puts forth effort to improve the relationship while the other person does not. She suggests that that kind of relationship is certainly doomed, and that she has seen some of those in her office when it becomes clear that one partner is only participating in therapy in hopes of "fixing" the other person yet isn't willing to also look at themselves and take steps to repair the relationship.

Thank you

Agree!

Tech in addition to our country being the ONLY developed one that doesn’t give paid year for 1-5 years for a mother to raise her infant. Times that fear by 80% of our infants at 6-12 weeks for 50 hours a week eeek. We have facilities raising our children and we pretend that is woman being equal instead of our babies growing into anxiously attached adults without a family identity as a home base.

I need her as my therapist! She explains everything.

@@theresas.3808 Me too

Are religion and monogamy automatically entwined?

@@williamweb9782quite

yep men just have a way harder time giving up sleeping around and taking responsibility that comes with a family. They trow a fit if there is too much asked of them and accuse the other off wining when they are just asking for a fair devide. Church and other religions somehow reinforced that by almost suggesting women should serve their man, while that should be God

Religion and monogamy are absolutely entwined…except that monogamy applied ONLY to the female….Catholicism is rife with hypocrisy and double standard. Women are taught to ‘serve her man’ and expect nothing in return….she’s lucky if he’s a good provider. If he’s an alcoholic who doesn’t work too bad…divorce is NOT permitted. If he beats her, that’s his choice she can not leave. She can not take birth control, she can not have abortions and she can NOT say no to sex. She can not get an education or a job, have a bank account, etc….that was the life of my grandmothers!!! I’m born in 1975….so this is not very long ago. Men set the tone for relationships even still…due to the past legacy of heterosexual unions. If a woman was ‘lucky’ she got a decent husband…otherwise too bad. Patriarchy needs to be dismantled completely as it does not serve either gender. Blessings to all the men brave enough to tear down these walls…us women have been working at it for a long time and we need you to do your part. These red pill dudes are just trying to grasp onto threads of male toxicity and patriarchy….the brave ones take a stand against that mindset!

So what it to be said of the marriage/monogamy/exclusivity ultimatum, that is usually imposed by women? Its odd to hear these takes, but never see it. It would seem the remedy is simply a "No" to a proposal and guts to stand on the decision, in the Western world.

Thanks for your thumbs up whoever you are It caught my attention to my error Wide Wow Sorry Esther The word was supposed to be as it now reads “Wise”

Yes!!

thanks for noticing this! interesting people almost always have a very interesting past, yet most folks ignore this.

That’s a wonderful idea! There’s life after 60 years old. And it’s not easy.

That mentality is what kept you single, now you’re old and lonely

@@swadey2.017 I'm old and I've known myself in amazing ways. The goal is not men, it's a relationship with the world I've been placed in. Glory has all the feelings, even loneliness. It's beautiful.

I agree. It's many excuses given here. Still she has some valid points.

Or maybe not getting reciprocal understanding and effort from your partner. Love is a living thing. It takes two to nourish it and help it grow. If only one of the two cares and does everything they can, the love eventually ends up on life support and then death. Both have to care and grow the love according to both partner’s needs. Both. Two. The one who betrays is wrong to betray. But remember, the one who does nothing to nourish their love and relationship has been betraying their vows long before. Both feed love, but it only takes one to starve it.

How much money did you make from the divorces?

@kapler79 None. Absolutely none. Got taken advantage of the first time, and the second time, I refused to ask for anything.

@@kapler79such a show of who you are. You did not deserve an answer

Blame the warmonger Churchill who betrayed you

The soviets drew the Polish blood.

you're welcome. thank you for listening and for this comment.

Body language doesn’t lie.

some people might disagree with this statement ;)

Nope, it takes some level of inteligence to ask questions. Body language: he struggles, he is afraid the questions might reveal his problems. He is right, is revealing.

Good luck. I hope she follows your lead.

Not sure it is the elephant in the room. Besides, Esther is addressing couple problems, not individual ones. Masturbation or voyeurism does fit into a less mature level of adult life. Don't you think ? Many women (maybe even men) put up with this, reasoning immaturity on the part of their partner, maybe even shyness. When bringing it out into the open and discussing it together is healthier. Or suggesting therapy, for each partner as well as couple therapy. Or agreeing to whatever fits their individual needs.

i had the same thought. Big fan of ester, not a fan of Jordan. Good luck to his wife as he seemed to humble brag when relating what his mother in law was saying. Sheesh.

Yes, infidelity is for people who need constant validation

Ha, ha. If they are soulmates, they don't cheat. If they cheated, they weren't soulmates. Most married people are NOT soulmates. The vast majority of marriages are transactional even if people don't think so this is their case. Sure it is. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-QF4xjfiesXY.html

She has relevant insights but this reduction of monogamy to outdated social norms is wrong on a lot of levels. Non-monogamous relations have a dreadful track record of success, as do civilizations that allow them.

Me too! Can't find a therapist who understands. The last one just said we're too far gone, just get divorced, as if that magically solves everything, which is doesn't when you have school age children, you NEVER stop being co-parents and divorce can be just trading one set of problems for another. We were hoping the Autism diagnosis would help bring resources, but nope! Only research online and RU-vid about Autism helps, but a real adult Autism therapist would make a huge difference in uncovering what can be changed, what cant, and how we navigate that reality. Including how do we move forward despite all the hurt, damage, financial disasters, etc, especially now that we see how much the Autism contributed to his choices and behaviors.

Shouldn't be any surprise why women are choosing the single life

Shouldn't have to say it, you don't let it get to that point. Maintain cleanliness. Team effort.

Yeah if you’re a mother who can focus solely on the family (ie not working outside the home for an external source) then keeping everything running smoothly shouldn’t be an issue as long as she’s physically and emotionally fit, healthy and resilient; with a husband who’s providing security, kindness and generosity - women need to feel safe and secure to thrive. If she’s expected to behave like a man and earn money for an external entity, then how on earth is she going to have the mental and physical capacity to maintain the home? Men and women are very different species and right now that’s not being recognised and women are really struggling, and men aren’t happy either.

@@johnfatorich3494if you’re shouting at your wife to clean up this house. That’s a demand for her to comply. It’s not a team effort. Men need to clean up their own homes and stop expecting women who also work to do it all.

@@jnwest2029 Nobody is expecting them to do it all. In fact, women today...modern women do very little but expect a lot. We are not living in the 70's. Women have never been as lazy as they are today. Also, if you both are working, get a freaking maid once a week or two weeks.

Sadly nowadays most of/ many of our cultures are lacking these concepts and relationship values etc etc. . . I totally understand where u are coming from. & We all deserve happiness, love, excitement, honesty, loyalty, genuineness, and the list goes on... I hope each and everyone of us who might be struggling or having issues in this department, I hope we all reach that good sweet spot one day, sooner than later. & As i/we grow older n more wise, more n more is starting to make sense n open my eyes n mind to an updated more mature perspective look on everything involving this complicated subject. The precious thing called "relationship life".

@@Lindseyro All of that 💯😆 I totally agree with you and yes wisdom and growth has truly changed my perspective on my relationship with me and then any over flow I can share with others. I care enough for myself and other humans to take the time to fill my own cup first. All over the internet toxic relationships are the most viewed. It's good to know there are people healing and seeking some rational in this crazy thing called Love 🤣💖

Very, very true, with the caveat that some marriages are not fixable, even with communication. When this is attempted, some couples discover one of the two: 1) either they cannot communicate at the same level of depth and meaning, due to differences in wiring and ability. 2) even if they manage to communicate clearly and with good will, and they both overcome ego, one spouse may simply not be able to meet the other's unmet needs, or both, due to severe incompatibilities of yolk. This is often the case when there are differences of fabric/ilk/walk of life/IQ etc.

Did you listen to her? Cheating is not always symbolic of a bad marriage. Sometimes cheating is something going on with that person who is cheating and has nothing to do with you. She just said u you can have a good marriages… Not that it makes it right and that it’s not hurtful because it is!

@@roses6564 You hit the nail on the head.

@@robynalvin2849 Yes, as a relationship consultant I know what she means. As Tony Robbins notes, all people have a Need for Certainty and Uncertainty. What Esther Perel is talking about implicitly is the need for Uncertainty. Couples need to learn how to navigate each other's needs for Uncertainty (or novelty). However, the majority of the time, there are more fundamental problems within the relationship.

@@robynalvin2849 more than often people who cheat have a low self esteem as a result of chidhood emotional neglect and they need the external validation which they get from feeling wanted by a stranger. The hit of chemistry they get from that is what feeds their dysfunctional reward system formed in childhood. So yes, it has nothing to do with a partner. More than often they also dont know how to meet their needs or communicate to their spouse how they d like them to be met, so again they look externally to get them met in dysfunctional ways. Their behaviour is driven by their childhood wounding, which means they end up bleeding on the people (i.e. their spouse) who did not cut them in the first place.

Yes, there is contact but no connection between quite a big percentage of the population around. This is very hard to find.

I think,you need a hug Elsa, here 😊

@@CallsItLikeISeizeIts thank you! I’ve a partner and loving family and friends for that. Possibly I didn’t represent this correctly- emotionally vomiting all over my loved ones or not finding a way to self regulate , whatever works for me without causing me shit tons of paperwork with doctors and shrinks- is helping my relationships.

@@CallsItLikeISeizeIts thanks! I do have my family, partner and friends to get those from , btw, and you’d have to get through my service dog Doberman - lol

love this... middle path, Buddhism type shit and being grateful and present with what we have and truly love

women are miserable now a days becauess of this, they cant handle monogamy because their broken. They all go for the same 10% of men for their entire lives and end up utterly single and devoid of love. Enforced monogamy was the only solution for society, this new way only ends in collapse, hence why so many countries are going into terminal demographic decline because the one job women had as a species they didnt do because their failures at life at this point. The modern western women is the most entitled and privileged thing on planet earth