This is Why You Can't Keep Your Boundaries 

Sooo true!!

Something that took me too long to realize

wow, mind blown!

So very helpful! This was so difficult for me working in Ministry with "too many cooks" to answer to.

Trueeeeeee

Same here I'm 58 and still struggle with setting healthy boundaries.

I'm 65, and just learning to set boundaries......we're not alone, better late than never, etc. Bless you, Julia

@@carlluca6171 jealous people are not your friends. By setting healthy boundaries, you will attract new friends who respect your high sense of self and who do the same. You've got this! 💕

I'm 49 years old and heard the word boundaries for the first time when I was 40 years old in a spychologist office... Unfortunately it took an other 8 years to really being able to apply healthy boundaries to my life (and still learning). I have allowed many people to use and abuse me my entire life up until 1 and a half year ago when I got out of a short intensive sadistic narcissistic abused (physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually) relationship. I unfortunately had to learn the hard way... but Praise and Glory to God for saving me from this man and opening my eyes (better late than never...). I now see clearly and humbly help some friends and sisters in Christ see as well the importance of healthy boundaries as well as to recognise the red flags of controlling people.... The bible say: "But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one. Matthew 5: 37 NKJV" Some answers that I use when I don't want to answer a question straight the way as well as answering no politely are: * I need to think about it; I'll get back to you on that in a couple of days. * I need to pray about it first and I'll get back to you. * Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't at this time, maybe an other time. *Thank you for asking me, however its not something I am interested in getting involved at this time. *As much as I'd like to help right now; I am... exhausted / busy / unavailable / not interested in getting involved at this time (use the one that is true at the time); but I pray that you will find the right person to help you. *when doing a lunch gathering at my house: BYO drinks, my home is a "dry house" so please no alcoholic beverages. As well as no smoking on the property, tgank youbfor your understanding & cooperation. *Also, I have helped people in need in the past by offering them room in my house to stay in. So I have written a house rules (so they know what to expect from me and what I expect from them) and ask them to read them before accepting to move in. I also wrote a step by steps guide on how to clean their room and the rest of the commun areas and post it on the wall. I have found that it is easier that way as everybody as a different idea of standard of cleanliness, some people have never been taught how as well etc....and it helps everyone to come to a commun understanding. * an other thing I do is when I ask someone for something or to help me etc... I realise that maybe that person does not have healthy boundaries; so to put them at ease, I explain that before giving me an answers, I need them to go away and think about it than get back to me. I also say to them that its ok to say no; that I would rather them say no to me than saying yes and yet do not want to do it. I explain that its best to say no if they don't want so that will give me a chance to find someone else who is interested etc... Anyway 🙂 hope that might help Blessings.

My goodness, it is not easy, with kids even worse 😱❣️ I try to use my inner compass or termometer, as soon as I get this tipical reaction I know it is lack of boundaries, and then I try to get in a superhero mood to save myself ( 😂 it is good to take off the heavy side of the situation and try to go with the flow... They are asking, I answer my stuff, my way, they have their right to try, I have the right to have it my way since it is my time, my money, my energy, my whatever right to do as I want in this case ... And if you manage to smile nicely it is done! Pat on your own shoulders 👍😅

Agree

Trueeee ,, everyone should take these classes even kids

Agreed!

Yesssss!!!!!!

Yes that hit me hard also but it does make so much sense.

Yes hit me hard also...but so so true

That's how both & my husband were raised, especially him being in a large, strict, Catholic family. I'm sure a lot of older people were raised similarly. No wonder we are so confused about setting boundaries!

Same with me - my mother constantly bulldozed my boundaries- which led me to allowing myself to always get bulldozed by overpowering personalities and a terrible abusive marriage

I was given some great advice years ago instead of saying no say "I'd prefer not to". It's softer than "no", and you can continue to use it even when pushed to explain.

no, Is a complete question. :)

@@lynettepettitt655 wow this is a very good idea :)

I will say the following & keep in mind this is an INTJ talking: ***I take zero crap from anyone...not even police!!! I enforce my boundries with IRONWOOD STEALTH... IRONWOOD SHREDS CARBIDE SAW BLADES.*** A year ago, my neighbor (an overall good guy!!!) allowed the sister of a long-time High school friend to drive across country to move into his house after she instantly lost her job due to COVID shutting down Las Vegas. Initially I gave her a chance, but she soon proved herself to be a manipulate drunk, very lazy & equally arrogant!!!... So I backed up!!! Over the summer, she lost 2 jobs, slept around rather indiscriminately, & tensions surfaced between her & my neighbor/property owner. Twice she banged on my door to let her in next door(I have a set of keys) because her hang-overs clouded her thinking(!!!) & she locked herself out. Multiple times I rescued his animals from her blatant stupidity. Two weeks ago, my conversation with him illuminated the reality that he had also lost patience with her & wanted her gone... She was a willful leach, manipulative, sullen, & would do ANYTHING for a drink... Had cleaned out his liquor cabinet too!!! Two days ago, my phone started ringing EVERY 15 MINUTES, beginning at 6:15AM...it was her. She hung up on my voice mail every time until 11:30AM, when her message DEMANDED I call her back the second I could- she wanted to talk to me about something!!! I was fuming by this point... I am a Private Contractor: all the while this was playing out, I was at a JOB for retired US ARMY veteran, who noticed my phone constantly going off but also noticed I wasn't answering it... At the vet's insistence, I took a short break outside in my hotrod, & texted the following message to the drunk: "YOU are beyond REDICULOUS!!! I AM AT A JOB... US ARMY!!! This veteran is paying good $$$ for my UNDIVIDED TIME & ATTENTION. IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION, YOU CAN TEXT IT PLAINLY... STOP CALLING MY PHONE!!!😠" The drunk instantly stopped. I found out later that night from my neighbor that my suspicion was on point- she wanted to move into my house!!! ***NO FREEKIN WAY!!!*** My neighbor told me his now unwelcome house "guest" has decided "I'm a nasty person!!!" We both laughed, but I did apologize to him for DOORSLAMMING HER... cause THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID!!! SHE AIN'T BRINGING HER SHITSHOW TO MY SACRED SPACE!!!..She has avoided me since. So ask yourself... _Who do YOU need to DoorSlam???_ Think about it...💜

It's bizarre how they accuse you of what they just did. Being rude.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

@@juliakristinamah You always have a way of saying it better. I am with you all the way!

True. One guy who measured my kitchen for renovation said ', you're easily influenced'. I felt very insulted and I corrected him. Next day I told him I only wanted to hire him for a part of the job. He then suggested to lower his price to convince me hiring him for the complete package. I said no I will do it like I said. He replied OK. I asked him for a proposal by email. I haven't heard of him anymore. He basically criticized me for being naive which is not his role to tell me in the first place as a stranger and professional bc he was here for a renovation job and I am the client. I told him what I paid for my bathroom and he found it expensive. Apart from the fact I probably paid to much he should not analyse me psychologically and the next day push me to do his way after telling him what I chose as a client F. annoying! I'm so done with rude brutal people. I'm not perfect but I do not dominate with my needs or opinions.

If they are rude or upset when you set a boundary, then that is about them, not you.

@@cathycalrow2729 truth.

Many people will test your boundaries. It's sad, but it teaches you to be more resolute.

@@cathycalrow2729 Right. It also tells you what future interactions with them will be like. Crushing. Disrespectful. EXHAUSTING. They will play games to see how long it will take for them to 'win'. Get rid of them. People who challenge your boundaries are NOT worthy of being in your life. In any way. They are going to be more trouble than the paltry attentions they bring to your life are worth. This applies to family members, friends, and lovers (or potential lovers).

Thank you for your time and teaching. May God bless you for the work that you are doing 🙂 I'm 49 years old and heard the word boundaries for the first time when I was 40 years old in a spychologist office... Unfortunately it took an other 8 years to really being able to apply healthy boundaries to my life (and still learning). I have allowed many people to use and abuse me my entire life up until 1 and a half year ago when I got out of a short intensive sadistic narcissistic abused (physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually) relationship. I unfortunately had to learn the hard way... but Praise and Glory to God for saving me from this man and opening my eyes (better late than never...). I now see clearly and humbly help some friends and sisters in Christ see as well the importance of healthy boundaries as well as to recognise the red flags of controlling people.... The bible say: "But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one. Matthew 5: 37 NKJV" Some answers that I use when I don't want to answer a question straight the way as well as answering no politely are: * I need to think about it; I'll get back to you on that in a couple of days. * I need to pray about it first and I'll get back to you. * Thank you for thinking of me, but I can't at this time, maybe an other time. *Thank you for asking me, however its not something I am interested in getting involved at this time. *As much as I'd like to help right now; I am... exhausted / busy / unavailable / not interested in getting involved at this time (use the one that is true at the time); but I pray that you will find the right person to help you. *when doing a lunch gathering at my house: BYO drinks, my home is a "dry house" so please no alcoholic beverages. As well as no smoking on the property, tgank youbfor your understanding & cooperation. *Also, I have helped people in need in the past by offering them room in my house to stay in. So I have written a house rules (so they know what to expect from me and what I expect from them) and ask them to read them before accepting to move in. I also wrote a step by steps guide on how to clean their room and the rest of the commun areas and post it on the wall. I have found that it is easier that way as everybody as a different idea of standard of cleanliness, some people have never been taught how as well etc....and it helps everyone to come to a commun understanding. * an other thing I do is when I ask someone for something or to help me etc... I realise that maybe that person does not have healthy boundaries; so to put them at ease, I explain that before giving me an answers, I need them to go away and think about it than get back to me. I also say to them that its ok to say no; that I would rather them say no to me than saying yes and yet do not want to do it. I explain that its best to say no if they don't want so that will give me a chance to find someone else who is interested etc... Anyway 🙂 hope that might help some of you. Blessings to all.

Yes, that's a hard one to remember! But so freeing when you do!

Me too ... now a video on formulating response to avoid answering 😁

@@corinneperegrini6003 Girl, God Bless You for this awesome answer. I think you and I dated the same man. Was yours missing a leg and had a bald spot?? (Not kidding!)

@@JennJoans no, but I've realised that there are a lots of those kind of men out there...sadly...glad you're out of it.

i know right. the audacity.

Ditto

Ugh. My childhood had aspects of this. I was not allowed to have boundaries. It was seen as being disrespectful so, guess what? My friendships and little romances were with jerks who saw me as an easy pushover. I'm still learning but it has been a lifetime of undoing what was 'taught' to me.

@@JennJoans you know the problem and you are working on it. stay strong and positive. :))

Or the one with “drama”... being direct is not dramatic.

Same!

THIS!

I know but WHY Are you fearful of something? My opinion is that we need t autoanalyze WHY we get anxious, that might be some open wound You are carrying inside.......try and find a good therapist.

what are you making it mean when you set your boundaries? It's not the boundary setting that's making you anxious, it's your thoughts about the boundary setting that's creating the anxiety.

It's ok to feel anxious. It's a new skill. Give yourself time and patience. Learn to put yourself first A LOT. I've been through this and it is still hard at times and I am loads better than I used to be. Stay strong!!

It does but also makes you sound suspicious and mean (is my worry)

Love it!!!

Ever get the reply..."Oh I was just wondering". (I've stopped 'visiting' with people in this world because it's not a friendly conversation when I do. It's actually nothing but an interrogation.)

Completely understand! Having narcissistic parents sets us up for a longer journey in self-awareness. Congratulations 🍾🎈🎊 to you; know it wasn’t/isn’t easy. They installed a very effective ‘doubt’ button.

I am now going through the same thing.

@@hissyfitz7890 yep as we speak I'm struggling to block a man who I think or feel is fooling me in terms of being disrespectful by ignoring me after hunting me but when I asked him if he wants to to disconnect to let me know so I will close my door, he replied promptly with three words: I had flu. I replied okay. Now I feel sad again as if he's not considerate and apparently I'm not on his mind at all. I'm practising my text message: I am not an option or a radio you switch on and off so I'm closing my door take care. Then block him. But I can't do it......bc I like him, just not the selfish vague part. Wondering if he's manipulating me or not... Sighing.

@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 - Decided decades ago to ‘parent myself’ in this easy to understand way: imagine you are your daughter. Would you want ANYONE to treat her in any way that you currently find undesirable? Would you want HER to CHASE a man who treats her the way this person is treating you?

Here,have some warm hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Thats great!

Good comment n well done n I got 2 say I love yr name! Bless x😊

Same! And after exploding comes the terrible guilt

I sometimes learn this the hard way....

What really pisses me off is when I walk into a room full of other people and someone says “maybe Irene will do it” If someone wants something from me I want them to ask me directly. Next time it happens again, I’m going to say “ if you have something to ask me, ask me. Or better yet I’m going to reply “I don’t think Irene will do it.” If they want to speak to me that way , I will respond in the third person.

@@westcoastvibes1193 Good on you for standing up for yourself When you address this person Take a deep breath Look them in the eye And say No I Will Not!- calmly and slowly -indoor voice Good luck!

@@margaretkolcze8355 good advice yes it works nice 1 Bless x

Some cultures expect complete submission ...to older family members , to those in authority etcetera

I'm wishing u LOADS of Luck , ok xx go 4 it breathe again n enjoy d rest of yr life u done yr bit 4yr sprogs now u live Bless x👍👌

The Lord Jesus help you out safely and not to be harrased by anyone you don't want.

Wishing you all the very best ! I escaped quietly to avoid any violence ... if it's a concern , take careand be safe !

N den u end up going round in circles break dat chain n see how dat feels! Bless x 😊

@@rudiehull1446 yup! Those circles are not fun either. That chain from my previous relationship is just about broken and it feels pretty amazing.

The word NO is a full sentence.

@@brighida100 I understand that but the woman didn’t.

@@Claymoreinurface Well it is more important that you do. Since it is about your wellbeing

I fink u know dat u r stronger I wish u well in d rest of yr life n happiness go get dat oyster waiting 4u

@@brighida100 Very True good observation

This kind of person does not respect you so let them GO Better to have few good friends than disrespectful losers in your life

Love having you here Kyndale. How are the Healthy Boundaries going?

@@juliakristinamah definitely felt like your class was a turning point. I think I’m making progress and I’m reaping the rewards. 🙏🏼❤️ thank you for everything you do.

Good for you for taking responsibility for your choice. And yes! Let's get you in the drivers seat of your own life.

This is a really good and relevant example right now.

I had a friend who kissed me on my facemask....i was so upset and when i spoke up he replied that it was a little mistake... no. You scared me. He later gave a proper apology and gave me flowers....!

@@kimosabe818 Damn awkward or wot?! Erm,... .. . Buy him a bunch of daisies n see if he gets d hint?!! Lol!

Hardly funny thou a!? I get ya I'm paranoid as shopping even more awkward in d self check outs! Eeeek!😐

Yep, same here 😊

All of this! 🙌🏻

I hear you - giving ourselves full freedom of choice means we have a lot of mind managing to do first.

This is me too.

I hear you Julie. I've been there. You can do it. You can. Don't be rude, just briefly reply and look around. Ha ha. Like you're in deep thought. The more you practice being you, the easier it is to be in a crowd and just chill and not care what anyone thinks. Its great.

PS- My name is Lisa, I am an empath & light worker that also happens to be an alcoholic addict in recovery. Years is what it had taken to find the answers about myself. 12 steps is all it took, but those 12 steps took a very long time. MOSTLY because I didn't recognize i was still in unhealthy relationships with people IN recovery right along with me. Progress not perfection. Had to look outside recovery for different kinds of answers. Not all my questions can be answered from the earthly plane mindset

Boundaries changed my life Jennifer so I want everyone to get them so they can see how much freer life is on the other side.

Pretty on the inside? Believe me - beauty has nothing to do with this even if you think so.

If tgey moved on n left u alone u r d stronger 1 n they were NoT right 4u my dear Bless xx being on yr own is NoT a bad fng it helps u 2 sit bk n survey n notice more always take d time 2 sit on d side n review xx hope dst helps Bless 😊

Yes. Excellent. Or maybe even "afraid of losing the status quo."

When I was 7, I was asked to get baptized, but I told the nice young man that I didn't think I could promise God that I'd be good after that and I needed more time to think about it.

@@cymbolichuman433 awesome!

I think it's ok to ppl please the right ppl, or if u want to, but don't do it to the wrong ppl or if u don't want to. But yeah, the video made sense. Basically, u have the right to ask or not, and other ppl have the right to respond or not.

I very much like what you said: that you want to be a peace MAKER, but NOT necessarily a peace KEEPER.

Amen to this!