You Don't Need Their Approval 

I remember the day when I realized my parent’s advice was based entirely on protecting their own self interest. They meant well, but they wanted me to avoid taking any risks at all costs. Not feasible. I secretly stopped listening to them.

I've really been working on not needing to explain myself to people this year. I remember a teenage version of myself that never needed approval from others and somewhere in my early 20's that all changed. Bringing your self-worth/esteem back to yourself is a journey but one worth investing in!

I've just turned 55 and I'm only NOW starting to break out of that approval trap. I've had to get to the point of having minimal ties so that very little can keep me trapped.

I needed this. I am 43 years old and still need my parents' approval.

I turned 30 this month and this was the first Birthday where I felt like a full blown adult! The work of self differentiation is not easy but so worth it 💪🏾

So loved this! I'm a recovering doormat/people pleaser who married into a family of veeeerrrryy strong opinions. Not looking forward to the boundary issues that will come forward in raising children but these videos are helping me gain the tools I'll need to survive

This is why social networks are full of selfy pictures and fullish stories..because people search for approval they are never self enough in anything..

Yup my parents. But now that I cut my toxic, and abusive family out no more‼️Time to live my life the way I see fit🙌🏾❤️ Just need to heal 1st from years of trauma, and bullying as well as injuries, allergies, obesity, depression, social anxiety, and being suicidal...

I’ve been playing music live for over 40. Always in an ensemble. For two years I’ve been working to play solo. Feeling a little stronger, building confidence. Recently I was told I sounded like bad karaoke. Damn that hurt. I wish I could erase that moment. I’m no quitter. I appreciate your RU-vid page. Thank you.

I constantly feel the need for approval from friends and family. Its almost like I'm not sure of my own thoughts or decisions. When someone is disappointed in me I feel it deep it's like a kick to the gut if there is a negative outcome.

Approval seeking is something I have struggled with my entire life. I’m in my 30s and I am finally letting go of needing my parents approval for living my life. I was so scared to live the life I wanted for decades because of taking on my parents fears of what would happen if things turned out badly. It was emotionally draining and I became a shell of a person. I found my freedom from watching many videos like this one and realizing that there was something off with me and my family situation. First step is awareness of the unhealthy pattern and then deciding to cut out the middle man and make your own decisions. There are days I catch myself seeking approval from others, but that is usually my cue to do it anyway whether ppl like it or not.

Trying to get confidence in your decisions through someone's approval is like trying to solve your problems with an alcohol. Yes, it will feel good for the evening, but the next morning you'll get sober and those problems still be there. So yeah, the one and only way to make decisions which impact your life in a way that YOU want is cut the cord of anyone's approval dependency.

This is so true, seeking approval and validation from others eventually becomes a crutch and inhibits us from living our best lives!! I hope you’re having a great week 💕

This reminds me of two situations in my life. The first was when I was 25 (I’m 26 now), bought an investment property with my brother, just earned my MA degree in education, and my then boyfriend proposed to me. I was so happy and excited but... I called my mom to tell her the news and... was not the reaction I needed\wanted to hear. It honestly ruined my whole engagement and my wedding planning. Deep down I thought I was making a mistake by getting married and it messed me up... I’m still messed up about it. The bright side is the virus stopping life and we were supposed to get married in June 2020. We pushed the wedding to May 2021 and I feel happier about getting married but I never doubted getting married until I called my mom when I got engaged and bawled my eyes out. The second situation was just recently when I decided to attend a protest in Los Angeles for the Black Lives Matter movement. Both my parents told me how dumb I was, how protesting doesn’t change anything, and it was pointless. But in that situation I wasn’t upset at my parents for thinking this way about me, I more saw it as funny in a way.. I realized that I didn’t need my parents approval to take action on some thing that I feel very strongly about. I also think a reason why my mom wasn’t happy about me getting married is because she didn’t see me as an adult, she still saw me as a little girl. However now that I’ve moved on my own our relationship is getting better and she is seeing me more as an adult. But I am still a little hurt about her initial reaction to my engagement. I’m learning though to let go :)

I struggle with this . Even when I know I shouldn't seek approval of people whose values are starkly different than mine.

Beautiful!!! My share, growing up with a narcissistic parent who's need for temporary ego hits motivates them to create conflict in conversations and interactions to from their perception "win". Being around someone who is an expert in all subjects and has answers for questions no one is asking is exhausting! I realized very early I was never going to receive validation b/c it wasn't about me. This was a double edged sword, but it set me free to continue with my life and trust my OWN judgment. If I want medical advice I ask my Dr., if I want information about my SUV I talk to the service department, when I need advice about my landscaping I ask the yard maintenance owner. Credible sources of information from professionals that work in the field make me feel reassured so I can make decisions. I am a "grown ass adult" My strategy for the narcissistic parent is disengage, disengage, disengage.

What resonated more was the part when Julia mentions how angry/frustrated I get when I don't get the approval from my boss/parent/friend when I do something great... now I can identify when I'm on people-pleasing mode. Awesome Julia, thanks a lot.

I really appreciate this topic and your video is so empowering. I grew up in a very religious and strict household. Therefore, my parents disapproval of my decisions was equivalency to God disapproving my choices. My mom would make comments, such as "God is not happy with you." Or "God told me you should live at home." As an adult in my 40s, I learned that these behaviors brought shame in my life and their behaviors were very manipulative. They don't have the authority to speak for God about my decisions. I hope in the future you can make a video on this topic of adults seeking approval from their religious parents.

This resonates so much for me. I am 47 and still seek my parents approval. I am independent but struggle with being more self reliant. I took a page of notes away from this and will start doing the work. Thank you.

The “boost” gained from seeking and getting approval is nothing compared to how it feels to not not need it. I need to remind myself of this daily. Love your videos.

Struggled to get parent's approval. Also struggled to get kids' approval. Learning that I already have the approval of the only person whose opinion matters: me. Fortunately, partner is all in!

"...it's like Teflon, it will slide right off..." Without self trust you have no one to rely on, not even when you go to sleep. One of the hardest lessons is learning how to trust yourself with no other opinions taking precedent or stock in your value over yourself. That value is Yours, with or without you giving it away. It's hard to see that, it's hard finding out what that value means to you, and it's hard figuring out what to do with that value. But nonetheless, it's still yours, that value was made just for you, you don't deserve it or earn it, you just learn what to do with it and respect giving it away. One of the nice thing about not needing approval is it frees you up to see the true happiness that was stolen away from you as a child when you have a child. Of you see your child happy, know you are doing everything right as a parent, keeping kids happy is easy and it teaches those who had their childhood neglected or undermined is given a second chance when we have children ourselves. We get see what it's like to be young. Like watching nature shows. Own the credit of doing well and furthering your direction. Madame Kristina shows and teaches us how to deferentially separate between doing something for yourself vs wanting approval

Thank you for posting this! You posted it in a time of my life when I really needed to hear this. ❤️🍀

On the other hand, if it’s from strangers, I totally get what you’re saying. For example, I go for walks in the park to stay in shape and I like to wear fun clothes for it. There have been times when I was complimented on my clothes or told that I looked like a Barbie, and it made my day. Other times, everyone is just doing their own thing and I feel like, darn, no compliments this time, but I am still feeling good about taking the walk to stay in my best shape and looking my best as I do it, kinda like imagining myself strutting along a runway in sensible walking shoes.

The distinction between how men and women are socialised and the beliefs they develop & carry through their life was very interesting. I have found this with people I work with in the area of leadership and advancing in the workplace. There is a big difference between how men and women pursue their career and go after promotions, pay rises etc. It all stems from somewhere. Great video Julia!

Julia you’re a blessing. My therapist dropped the bomb on me towards the end of the session and now my world is upside down. These videos are very grounding. Bless you and your journey

Thanks. This is a good video. 13:46...Often parents tend to hang on to adult children, boys or girls...often it's about who you marry, where you live, the work you do, the friends you have... anybody going through this, it's really very common.

Wonderful commentary regarding ceasing the seeking of parental approval. From a seventy year old parent just now learning boundaries, it's also quite a leap to wear the new garment of not having responsibility for what I have no rights or authority over. I approve.

I remember the day in 1993 when I told my parents I enlisted in the military. They didn’t just disapprove. They freaked out and were quite upset. I insisted it was something I needed to do for myself regardless of anyone’s approval. I retired from military service in 2014. I’d do it all again too. It was empowering to make that decision without seeking outside approval.

I think another situation, if you "like" someone, a crush for example, you can fall into the trap of wanting their approval. I approve of this video! See you soon in Zoom Julia!

Hi, I'm Willow. I'm unusually good at not caring about other people's approval, I think partly because I have difficulty understanding the unspoken communication from other people, which means a lot of the time I don't know if someone approves of something I do or don't do. *Shrugs*. I'd soon die in the days when we needed the protection of the clan, but lucky for me, I don't live in those times. It's very freeing, being the way I am.

Thanks for this, Julia. Sometimes when I find my self nodding a lot, I can tell I’m trying too hard for approval. So I stop nodding, and silently start counting. Helps me.

in all honestly, your videos on such topics definitely have to be the most eye-opening ones. I am amazed at how much I can resonate with somebody sitting miles apart even when I haven't been able to understand half these things myself, but after hearing you mention these things something struck me and I went like hold up simone, this is exactly what is happening with you or this is where you're going wrong, thank you so much for these videos. I am a 16 yr old and the learning I'm gaining from somebody experienced as you is just beautiful!

This is one of my weakness because i seek approval within my family it's so hard to do things my way , but as a teen and late 20s i didnt care what anyone thought of me now im almost afraid to choose my own cloths without asking how does this look on me? or my hair, leaning to do as i please because i'm GROWN as been a working progress ..this was so helpful

This video has really helped me. I don’t need my coworkers approval to make decisions to do my job, like I thought I did. Julia is right, it doesn’t make me feel good for very long. It comes down to my confidence or lack of confidence where I need to do the inner work to see that I am capable even if my decisions are different from theirs and it is ok. Thank you Julia

Definitely what I needed to hear. I still seek approval from my parents and am trying to live my own life with my daughter and husband. I know that I have made some decisions such moving far away from my family and being stay at home mom. They didn’t agree with my decisions, but it was what was best for me. I have no regrets.

These points you shared really resonated with me. I struggle with codependence & it was like this vid was especially for me. Thank you so much for sharing - I have made notes & will be focusing on ‘getting curious’ when the red flags emerge. I have also signed up to get a notification for when the Shift Society opens again ☺️ It’s a hard process, but as long as I’m moving forward, even an inch at a time it’s a victory!

Hi Julia, ty so much for your excellent video, this is one huge reason why my in-laws don’t talk to me anymore! I don’t need their approval for anything in my life, never did never will, not my problem, I approve of myself and my approval is the only approval I require, many people don’t like that or accept it, not my problem, my experience, regards, Bob,

Great video, I’ve realized in the past I was always codependent in past relationships. With my new girlfriend everything is going so much better than ever because I’ve realized my codependent behavior in the past and watch your videos to not be. I give her space and let her live her life and I try to stay busy with work and weightlifting so I don’t depend on her affection and validation to make me happy, takes all the pressure off a relationship, I just go with the flow now and try not to force anything with my new relationship

I am just going through a break up I'm 61 years old and the person I broke up with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my years with so it's been painful but you're podcast are amazing I'm so helpful. You delivery and pace and tone of voice are excellent. You're my go to right now like my new wise best friend. Thank you. Keep up the great work.

Ohh my goodness I like your voice, so strong and commanding. Thank you for the video very helpful. I'm working on stopping these habits: getting approval, apologising (saying sorry), explaining myself.

Thank you for this!!! all my life I sought people's approval to feel good. so now , that is totally changing....Keep doing what I love to do and that is all that matters!

Going back and reviewing MANY of your older videos. Still... helping me SO MUCH!

I loved this video. I noticed I have been still seeking approval with my family, friends, spectators. TBH I've been checking how many likes, followers, comments I have been getting and though it's been nice to see I've actually been successful at it, I'm tired of getting anxiety trying to gain peoples approval. I've even been having to hide certain pictures or fear certain videos but for what? I wanna be free and feel like my own person. Walking on eggshells is absolutely draining. I will be sure to mention this at my therapist/psychologist sessions this week. Thank you Julia Kristina Counseling. This was absolutely needed.

I have been working on myself seriously for the last 14 months. Primarily in the recovery of addiction. But this so twisted with childhood trauma, mental health etc. I found you about 6 months ago. Whenever I need understanding of myself, feelings, behaviours or how to understand situations I have always regarded you knowledge and understanding as great insight of me. I am grateful for this channel. I wish some that I love would at least take some guidance or knowledge from this channel. I have no power to wanting to help to challenge their inner fears and can only hope they can seek help. But thank you for the clear help that this channel provides for me.

thank you Julia! I always watch you when I feel my heart is faint and im literally feeling heavy. Thank god for this corner in youtube. Please continue making your content. Thank you again.

I’m so glad I’ve found this channel it’s going to be a real game changer in my life!

Before the first minute, you had my attention. It's difficult to choose which video I will watch next of yours. They all look as interesting as this one is. Have you realized how many people you can help with, I see on your channel, some of the worst life's problems in existence? I am so blessed with this finding. Thank you.

I get personally stronger each time I listen to your advice for personal empowerment. I’m soooo grateful for your help in standing on my own strength.

The only time in life where you need to behave like you're at a job interview is when you actually are.

My name is Veronica. Always striving to learn and why we think and behave is the final frontier.

“If someone else thinks something good about us, the WE can think something good about us”. That right there is pure gold! I know I’ve lived a significant part of my life in this state.

I can totally relate to the parental approval need. I vividly remember the moment I had to trust myself in my own decision even though my parents didn't approve and you are so right it was painful but I grew in that moment. I am 28 years old and still need to learn and practice this so much. But every time I trust myself even when its a mistake and I learn from it; I grow to love myself more. Sometimes approval felt like validation for my life because I want to make the "perfect" decision. whoa what a lesson on how unreal that is. Julia you are the best! I keep up with your videos and I always share with friends and family! Will join the shift society when I can! keep it up girl!

I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness and only left in my late 30's. This was the first time that I had made what was a life changing decision, which was met with major disapproval from my narcisstic mother and some family members. It has been a traumatic experience and I know that I need to break this reliance on approval from others.

Julia you are an amazing refreshment for me in helping myself to re-learn what is suffocating my life...thank you!

I do realize where I am having issues. I have been accused of seeking validation and living for other people when it is the total opposite. My sense of self and self worth is what is causing issue. I am usually there for other people but when I have decided to take a step back and observe and also stand up for myself it has caused a lot of conflict. I do need to work on my depression though. I stopped buying into petty conflict and being used for others needs. I have a lot of narcissists to deal with and I have stopped people pleasing so it has caused issues over past few months and now I just need to work through this funk that I am in. Jus plainly taking a picture of myself during self care has caused issues. I just need need to learn how to not take accusations so personal. I think we all however will have some approval seeking.

Love this-and the anecdote to removing “approval needs.” Eliminate the middle man! Yes! A good reminder! Thank you!

I love your videos this is my first comment. I am 48 and have always been slightly rebellious in nature so I never thought of myself as an approval seeker. BUT this video just identified something that has been weighing me down since my first pregnancy! When I do something without approval (from my parents and in laws) and it doesn't work- I add that to the list of things my inner voice reprimands me about! If someone doesn't approve and they were right- my brain makes that mean I am a complete failure. There is a lot of shame associated with this and I carry it for a very long time. My goal presently is to let go of the shame and forgive myself and MOVE ON from stuff that happened many years ago in some cases-Thanks for this info...I think this understanding is going to make a big difference for me.

yes approval from parent still deal with it but gotta do you and we are adults THANK YOU for reminder xo

"when we get approval from someone else then we can think something good about ourselves" I feel that so much

I really liked this. It really spoke to me especially the part about being socialised as a woman. I am actually a 47 year old man single never married but definitely a mother’s boy. It never occurred to me that following my mothers example was a reason how I feel. Combined with not having siblings I have always lived for the approval of or permission from my parents even now even though they have passed away. I am literally living for their approval now.

Your videos are changing my life. They impact me viscerally. Thank you.

Dear lord thank you Julia. For 62 years I seeked approval .You helped me realize I am getting iny own way. I come from a family of 11 with addictive and mental gene's. Now 26 neices.nephews and the have 6 kids. Having coping tools has as is proven a lifeline. Very grateful for all you do for EVERYONE.

Cut the middle man..wow. you are the best.thanks.. one strong hug for u✌

This video was so important and much needed. Thank you for all that you do. ❤️

I know you already mentioned it earlier, but I just wanted to say that this definitely shows up for Men. Especially a BLACK man. If you show up in ways that aren’t considered acceptable or MASCULINE enough, you will ABSOLUTELY get rejected and ridiculed for it

Julia, this has come at just the right time. Very useful! Thank you.

Thank you for posting these videos. I watch them when I need motivation or understanding, these help me get through my day or rough times and to help me work on myself and grow as a person❤️I love your vids. 🙏Thank you.

Wow I just found your channel and this is everything am working on! Your awesome and your work is soooooo very important, positive self regard is everything! So many of us came from dysfunctional families & a reprogramming is needed for us to become our own good parent, friend ect. With out this were a leaf in the wind our esteem depends on what others think of us, which can often be conditional. Bravo , love your content

This video really spoke to me. For too many years I felt like I needed permission from my parents to do the things I needed / wanted to do. Last year I finally started listening to my own voice and it feels amazing to know that I am taking control of my own decisions. I know they mean well, but this is my life. 💙👍🏼

This one was good,at the end of day it all about yourself!

It's funny that you posted this today because I've been trying to figure out how to get past the need of approval. Thank you

I was in an abusive marriage for 21 years and at 41 I left him as I'd spent a few years building myself up and working on my self esteem ready to kick him out. 4 months after I got in a relationship with an Asperger's man. I know my family question if it's a rebound thing o can understand that but it's not. They think he's not clever enough for me and even though they like him they don't understand his Asperger's traits and think he's not very clever. The old me would have questioned everything and felt like I had to prove his worth and that it's what I want but I'm not doing any of that. I'm just respecting there concern and getting on with my choices it's not for anyone to understand what I see in him or why we are together.

Hi Julia, great topic today 👍🏼

I don’t need anyone else’s approval, but my own.

Thanks SO much for this! I needed it! 🙏🏼💕🌸

It’s hard but it feels so good when you do things you want to do it feels so aligned!

I’ve chosen to overhaul my soul and your ways help me be more practical. Your emotional management is transparent to me and it’s safe. Thankyou for that

Oy! This speaks to me loud and clear. Getting curious is so very helpful and your approach makes it achievable - thanks

Hi Julia. It is a pleasure watching your videos. This is one thing that I have struggled with and still do struggle with doing consistently. I appreciate you making a video about needing approval. You made some very helpful points.

You ask what I am I going to do. With a knowingness I am going to trust myself. I am all done looking for approvals. Thank you Julia

Pam .. I total love listening to you.. I love your wisdom and knowledge

I think this can be used in marriages too. Seeking approval is the basis of seeking affection and attention. Especially when you want that from your significant other so badly. My husband and I are in a bad place from covid and the extra strain on the marriage but he was already prewired to not be very emotional and when he ices over its a cold cruel time for weeks. Its emotionally exhausting to want their cooperation and approval to try to move on. He will treat me nicely and with love willingly or he wont. I have no expectations so I have to work on not approval seeking.

Thank you so much for your videos! You have been a God send during this crazy time. Thank you for being my daily inspiration. Anna

It took a while for me to live freely. It feels great when it did. Unlearning might be the hardest thing to do.

Many years, half of my life i found others approval from my parents, my friend, people around. I remember one of reason is when my mother was hot and cold , my parents got angry on me ... And some people get angry with me when i don't please them, being a child that hurted me so much. I fear to see those cold angry face so i always tryed to be a people pleaser. Hope to see smile on their face. I put myself down. I irnoged my inner voice adviced me to stop doing that. Until a day i was broke down exhausted, i change my life.

My name is Crystal and I'm new here. I love your video's. It helps me a lot.

Really needed this.

Hello, Doctor! I just wanted to stop by to say that I find your videos very educational in informative and that you're an incredible resource that I am using in my mental health journey. I especially like the ascetic aesthetic of your videos, as it makes it much much easier for me to focus on your words and ideas.

Thanks for the reminder. IT's scary to become your own person!!! But definitely worth the adventure

So happy I found you 😍your vids are priceless 🙏

I do have a problem with always seeking approval and validation. I am doing marriage counseling with a husband who doesn't want to look deeper into his emotions on why he drinks to much. My parents wanted me to try it instead of just saying it was over and walk out of an emotional abusive relationship. It broke my heart to hear them say it. Now I am going through the motions to find a way out for me and my kids. Thank you for this video, I needed to hear this.

This was a great video. I have always struggled to get the approval of my dad, and unfortunately now it has transferred over to trying to get the approval of my wife. I constantly ask if it is okay if I do something, or if she is happy with whatever I've done. I got a lot of good tips from this video. Her input is important, but not on every little thing I do.

This video was fantastic, thank you. What I connected with most was awareness of how dramatically my relationship with family, during development, had affected my approval seeking behaviors, choices and sence of self. I also appreciate the 'catch 22' about deciding to cut out the middle and feel good about Me. My Name is Becky, ask yourself "who am I", and you will know me. No more of an introduction is necessary. Have a brilliant week!

Thank you for this Timely message. I really needed to hear this and be inspired. Keep up the good work with your insightful messages🙂

Absolutely love this video. Gave me much to reflect on. Thank you

Thank you! You are a blessing and I am grateful. You are really helping me and I am grateful

Wow,can't believe how much i've learned from you.So true,thank you.

Thank you for making this video!!!

Thank you ma'am. I'm glad I found you!