How to Set Strong Boundaries 

Setting boundaries is respecting yourself, valuing yourself and putting yourself first. It's simply loving yourself :)

I watch these videos over and over about once every 3 months. It takes awhile to stick or something? I use the tips for work relationships in a 'people job' most often, a little for family and friend relationships and I can testify, a small, clear, confident change in me feels like a bomb when I use the tools. I hope it's a bomb for the better! So far, so good. But now I can see myself and my feelings and I feel an equal partner because I'm sticking up for me. It feels good to matter with everyone, not just the ones who give respect, the bullies too.

This is the first video of yours I've watched and it hit so close to home! I am a teacher and I get upset when students ask me questions that I have to say no to. I have clear policies in my syllabus but often don't stick to them because I second guess myself and such, but then I get so burned out and it's because I haven't stuck to my (very reasonable) policies. I get defensive, then, when students try to force a request despite the policy in place. Knowing and owning my boundaries is a real struggle for me but this helps. I shall start giving myself permission to say no today! Thank you!

Hi Kristina I just wanna say thank you for the video , I just start to study about Counselling Skills and all your information help me a lot, I learn that is very important to set boundaries in relationship with the client, and be clear with myself where the boundaries lie. Thank you ones again. sending lots of love.

Thank you for explaining boundaries in detail.

Good day! Please keep posting videos. 💗

First time here my name is bib thanks so much appreciate you💗

Why black and white?

The hard part about boundaries is being ok with upsetting people.

When I look back at my life, the pain I have had is because I did not set good/healthy boundaries for myself. Living and learning.

Beautiful! Without boundaries, we are allowing others to decide the direction our lives will turn in. It is never selfish to love yourself enough to respect your own decisions and feelings. ♥️

I set a boundary, and my husband crossed it many times... and then when I withdrew myself from the relationship, everyone lost their shit, him, my family, his family, my friends... it really woke me up to how unhealthy everyone around me is, and how I've been blind to their problematic thinking and behavior. I've discovered how it is absolutely ridiculous that people want a relationship with me but then expect me to be ok with them trampling all over me. The past few years dealing with all of this has turned me into what some people would call a bitch... but oh well. I'm much happier, and I am treating myself much better than I ever did before. I am finally showing myself as much respect and care as I give others. I still believe in altruism and compromise and empathy, but when it comes to sacrificing my core values, my health and things that are the most important to me, there is very little negotiating anymore.

strong boundaries made my life happier and more organized.

My Dad. He’s 80. I love him. I decided to set boundaries. He loves me too and he understands. 🤓

I think it comes down to the Dr. Phil line; We teach people how to treat us. Good video, as usual!

“We don’t have to make their thoughts our thoughts.” We have to decide what we want to feel.

I used to even stay in an unpleasant conversations with strangers, becasue i was raised to "respect" other people and my self respect was totally removed in childhood. I'm so glad for such a good upbringing. ;-)

I had to end my marriage due to constant boundary violations. (2010) Since then, the topic of boundaries has been a personal interest of mine. Love reading about it, love hearing about it, love talking about it.

The universe kept putting the word boundaries in my face. So here I am. I needed this. Thank you.

I love how vulnerable you allow yourself to be Julia. Sharing your stories with us.

I’ve only recently been aware that boundaries are a thing. I wasn’t sure how to go about this thing called “boundaries”. Thank you for this video! It helps in so many aspects of my life, not just family.

Man this lady is a god I'm feeling much better now cause I was stressed out somewhat and now it has disappear I'm telling you your good

WOW 😮 WOW 😮 WOW 😮!!!! Boy do I need to learn THIS!

I also recommend Henry Cloud and John Townsend's books about boundaries! They helped me a LOT

Hi Julia, I just wanted your thoughts on setting up boundaries for someone younger, like age 16-18. It's tough, especially when you love these people/family members deeply, but they take advantage of your time. Not sure how to handle this without hurting them, despite having spoken to them already. Thanks.

Thank you Julia, very informative, my partner is in AA so was great knowing how to set boundaries, can be very stressful living with a alcohol in sobriety. 😊

Thank you Julia! I've struggled with saying no to people for years. I've struggle with feeling like it's wrong a lot of the time to say no and saying yes is so automatic for me and I always feel like I have to give into others because I feel they're not going to do things any other way than their own. I'm a person who will give 120% if someone will give me just 10 but a lot of times I feel taken advantage of. Of course that is frustrating. It's like a programmed way of thinking for I guess. Well again, thank you so much Julia. It is truly a blessing to have found you on RU-vid! I think what you do is so selfless and giving and so thank you again. God bless!

My counselees/clients need to hear this. I love your content. You're helping me update my knowledge with counseling/therapy. From a school counselor in the Philippines ❤

I'm getting married in one week. it's my second marriage. He has OCD, Anxiety and Depression. And I take so much on and I'm scared that I'll be unhappy if I don't set clear boundaries. I really need to work hard at this. I can't go through another divorce. I habe alot of work to do.

I know a large number of people who are narcissistic. They want things their way and when I set boundaries I get abruptly rejected. It's hard to deal with but I am taking it and moving forward. I have to admit it really stings.

Hi I'm from Norway, I find your videos extremely helpful! Forever grateful

I wish I would have learned about boundaries 20 years ago

I like the idea that boundaries are not a requirement of the other person, but instead what you choose to do yourself.

This is perfect timing. I just finished reading an article on where codependency comes from. I was looking into why I fell into that pattern, and now I’m more clear about it. My boundaries were always violated as a teenager, and now I’m really doing my best to learn how to enforce them without feeling guilty. Thank you. 💗

Love it! It was a good surprise to me, I think I'm doing better than I thought in this subject. I naturally tend to remove myself from the situations I don't like if the other person involved is trespassing my boundaries and doesn't agree with my requests. But part of me kind of feels guilty about doing so, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or being rude if I keep my distance, but it's nice to know it's perfectly okay, and you're right, they can do what they prefer, so do I. That's it. No more guilt about it!

I’ve never been good at setting boundaries. I’m a people pleaser and I let people stomp all over me. As a result I’m angry and resentful a lot of the time because I feel like I’m always doing whatever everyone else wants and never what I want. I’ve had a friend and her son living with me for over a year and a half. I offered to help her when she was getting out of a bad marriage, and I never anticipated she’d be living with me this long. I want her out. She has no intentions of leaving and I’m too afraid to tell her because she and her son have nowhere else to go and she can’t afford to live on her own. I’m afraid of ruining the friendship, but having her in my space is ruining my and my kids’ lives. How do I make a boundary so I can get my life and my space back?

Boundaries seem to be coming up a lot lately. Not for me, but for the friends and family surrounding me. It’s a theme right now!

I used to have too much/strong boundaries no one dares to talk to me lol" (kinda still now though)

New beliefs and better choices ahead. Yes, thank you 🙏🏻 for explaining what a boundary is. I keep wanting to change the behaviors and thoughts of the people I am in a relationship with. I was applying the wrong things not boundaries. I feel ashamed for acting on a false belief, and hope to stick with new boundaries in my current situation.

Wow! Great video. Love and need this so much. As you explained what a true boundary is, I had this infinity. Toxic people in my life twisted my boundary setting as I was trying to manipulate them. Mind blown. I'm not the one in the wrong.

Thank you, I learned new perspectives on boundaries and it's very a liberating and feel myself love,happiness more.

I'm 56 years old. I have never set boundaries in my life. I was raised to do everything for everyone else, but get nothing back in return. I decided enough is enough. I'm done. The first time I put my foot down about something, I have found out how little the people in my life think about me. I'm done. They all need to find themselves someone else to crap on. I. Am. Done.

Love your videos. Thank you for this video. Had a situation with my ex/wife where setting a boundary was needed, and this is so relevant to that event. Thanks again.

I love listening to you! So much I have learned and used. Challenges with a second marriage and it’s issues with adult husbands son and wife.

This is an example of setting a boundary in a relationship So I am going to let him know Im not intrested in being with a vanisher and I will then Tell him what I.expect him to do.see he thinks Im just going to take him back easy but it is not so he has to work for it then I will give him.my.request to what I want him to change then give him time to do what I.request if he dont Im leaving him

Hi Julia, I just saw your video. I must say it was very informative and helpful . My name is Sudha and I am from Malaysia . I was waiting for this topic. Thank you. Pls continue to make videos like this.

Setting those boundaries does come with some grief work usually: In my particular community we get that often. I'd love to see my fellow men going their own way talk in more general terms from time to time about this; you describe our experience of setting boundaries perfectly. There seems to be a connection between people with low Machiavellian traits and issues with boundaries. It takes time and some pretty nasty experiences but they seem to learn eventually, it's really wonderful how good people eventually chase health... keep helping us all find it Julia, you do good work.

Sometimes the boundaries that are set are crossed because they think that it’s stupid

Trusting myself is difficult and when you stated the fear of saying no, people pleasing at all cost for me has been my patterns. Abandonment, not liking me, ...trusting myself enough to give myself GOOD CARE and realizing I'm worth it and deserve it. Thank you so much. I've just starting listening to your videos these past few days. I can't get enough and I know it was God's divine intervention that I stumbled upon your videos. Deeply grateful for your insights.

Thank you! I love your videos! I’ve watched several self help videos, and yours are the best!

Part of good Mental Health is! setting good boundaries.

Healthy boundary = you do what you like, and I’ll do what is best for me. I find it interesting that those who regularly break their own rules, accuse me of doing the same when I am not. They can root for what they want, and I’ll root for & believe for that which is a blessing to me rather than a hindrance. I don’t push my beliefs onto others; those who feel the need to be oppositional and demand others adopt their viewpoint have already lost. Can’t believe some can’t just be happy with who & what they have in life.

Wow, you present your material so excellently. No fluff, no filler, very succinct and cogent. Very impressive.

boundaries seem to ONLY work if you push people away . I got use to barring myself in my trades . my day was long in hours but short by all other means. now after several decades and having to work harder than normal , it sure seems isolation is still fundamental in my day to survive. I'm not sure why. I've always relished interacting in customers or with them because they always appreciate knowing they have options. I'm just going to enjoy each day while Beeing patient as possible to reach my god given potentials.

If it’s your spouse of 20 plus years? Children and all! How can you just not be in a relationship with them anymore because you don’t want to be treated like that anymore?

I can vouch for just how much it helps to have strong boundaries!! Earlier this year, I struggled to establish health boundaries, and it ended up causing friction in some of my friendships. I'm really glad you uploaded this video, and hope you are having an amazing day!

I know I have a really hard time setting boundaries, but I really feel like some people ask or suggest things that is very offensive and rude. I don’t know how I not to get angry and respond in an angry manner. Case in point, I had a co-worker say to me, “We should have a FWB relationship.” I was incredibly offended and so angry I couldn’t even speak. How do you calmly set a boundary when you get that angry?

Very informative. Thank you so much! I'm curious if you actually told your parents you were setting a boundary or if you just did it without verbalizing it. I've tried verbalizing and it often results in me being ridiculed and invalidated. Then I lose motivation to keep the boundary.

Julia the reason I have not been visiting as frequently as I used to is because I have started a Facebook page.That page deals with Emergency Preparedness and Survival. Recently I did a post that may show an example of how to set boundaries. On my page I express lessons learned while living off grid. Here’s one of those lessons. One evening around 7 pm I was sitting on my couch and around that time in the country the mosquitoes start to get a little busy and that means they are on a feeding frenzy and I was their favourite meal ticket. During one of one of my more productive maturational growth experiences just after I swatted a mosquito sitting on my arm and killed it I sat there and looked at it. Again I said that this was one of my better lessons learned. As I looked at the mosquito I realized that I didn’t teach it a single thing. Not only did I not teach that mosquito anything I failed to teach any other of the many mosquitoes flying around me a single thing. And when I thought of all the mosquitoes still outside I realized that changing the eating habits of mosquitoes was pointless and that I had to learn how to stay out of the reach of the mosquitoes. So I closed the doors and windows to my cabin so they couldn’t cross my boundaries Lol. It’s a true story Lol. I hope you find this story as amusing and helpful as many of my Facebook audience has. Take care

Thank you for sharing this video. I’m healing from my former bosses taking away my ability of boundaries within their company. I quit my job with them. I’m now in the process of healing from the damage I allowed to happen. It was not just them that caused the damage, it was myself to for letting go on for as long as I did. The day I quit, by the afternoon of that day I had a awesome job offer.

Around 12:50 it was valuable for me to understand where and how to distinguish between need dissatisfaction and a boundary. Important to know when expectations are disappointed as opposed to setting a boundary and reclaiming agency. Am I accurately understanding that you assert a boundary is the if/then schema that gets set up as a way to take ownership of reasonable need dissatisfaction? For example: "IF [my reasonable relationship expectation (affection, kindness, respect, love)] is not being met/satisfied/negotiated, THEN I [do something to take ownership of that need back from the relationship dynamic]."

I’ve been so bad at setting boundaries in the past that I’ve had to research what the common boundaries people are re-enforcing! But as I got to love myself more the boundaries came naturally! Self love = Strong boundaries ✨

Thank you so much for reframing the idea of a boundary. Very helpful!

My boundaries conjunct and affiliate with my way of life & beliefs, therefore it occurs I must neglect self at times so that I can be compatible with this modern worldly structure and with those conformed & condemned to and by it within and of itself. Our society is structured & compartmentalized via personality type and the pysche of a person/group and so i find myself without having a political figure that I can say represents me. I find my self surrounded by people all wearing spiritual masks, afraid to be open & true to self, and nor are they even like minded as i. People today when approaching a cross walk, awaiting a light to give them permission to cross, look not in either opposing of direction to look out for themselves, and so I question if they would even look out for me in a situation. I think it's not boundaries we need to put up at this time, rather the boundaries that we need to first recognize & step out of that have condemned us in a subconscious like pattern. If I build boundaries on a individual level at this time, for me it causes separation, alienation & isolation and that comes with it owns turmoil. Therefor having to put myself first, and seeming unapproachable, narc like, whereas I'm a person whos very naked in belief and in who I am, and it seems to be a damned if I do damned if I dont type of situation.

Wow that fear of saying NO, this is so true, it is what's making frustrations grow over proportions sometimes.

I have a better understanding of boundaries and now will spend some time being clearer with myself on some boundaries. I've been struggling lately in some particular areas of life and I realize that it's because I haven't been clear with myself on my boundaries.

Great Content Thank You Julia Assertion of ur opinions n choice Talk about something else or ano time Ppl will do what they do, U can ask U can say no Say ur needs but don't be manipulative

I'm captivated by the clarity in this content. A book with comparable insights was a defining moment in my life. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

Hi @JuliaKristina Where is the current link for your Setting Boundaries programme..? (This forwards me to just online counselling...)

Hello again 😃. Thank-you for this. Love the idea of a workshop Love the simplicity and how specific you are about what a boundary is NOT. Request vs boundary = huge!

I saw another video that you did on boundaries and shared it with my friend whom needs to be introduced to this concept of healthy relationships, it’s given me a reboots and I need the continuing remainders, love you how teach and also build yourself up at the same time .❤️ Spread peace and happiness 🙏

This is great Julia. I enjoy reading your content so thanks for sharing. Also I'll ask, what sort of books did you read to learn these boundary-setting skills? I'm currently looking for book references.

Thanks for the video, Kristina. Did you end up saying "no" to the sub-leaser? Though I could be wrong, It appears to me that you still seem a little charged about the situation at around 20:20. No judgement here. We're all human. It takes courage and strength to show your vulnerability in the right light. I appreciate that. Much love. -Owen from the USA. 🙂

Thank you so much for your teachings...very inspiring to myself

Thank you!! This helped me so much in light of my work situation. I completely left myself and trottet all over my own boundries for a bit. I'll keep myself in check. Ty. ❤️❤️

I discovered your channel about 9 months ago! I am so grateful because I’ve learned a lot. After fining your channel I began working on myself more intently by investing in therapy weekly and seeking out my own spiritual guidance. Thank you for your good work! ♥️

Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.

Ma'am are all boundaries reasonable ??how to accept my own limits ...it feels like m weak that m getting offended by disrespect and all? Ma'am plz help me out!

Great video on boundaries Julia. I have definitely experienced family members pushing me away because of my boundaries around diet, religion, lifestyle, communication etc. Boundary setting often brings up fears that a need will no longer be met. For example, my friend wanted to stop having wine with dinner to improve her health and her partner became upset because she was ruining all the fun. Another example is a need for a lot of time with a partner but the other partner needs a lot of space, which results in one person not getting the closeness they need.

I like this one. I think I was even getting boundaries a little confused by the terminology. But I get confused pretty easy. And I really like that you kept stressing that if you assume boundaries are manipulation / control / punishment that it's not going to work out too well for you.

I need to find out how to keep boundaries from being broken by my soon to be ex wife that continues to bully me.

But what if their life rules are reasonably very bad and selfish and crappy shouldn’t we be able to tell them what they are thinking is so inappropriate and wrong some people are just not ok lol

This video has been life changing for me❤❤ ....I feel very free now and I am hopeful that things are going to get better for me especially In my mind because i have experienced the problem of not having clear boundaries and I have seen its huge effects on my choices and happiness.....I would like to request you keep making videos like these especially in the family level since it's the most challenging area to set firm boundaries....thank you so much Julia Kristina ❤

I am back, from San Francisco

I've not been a boundary setter. Have been more a people pleasing/try to make my three kids and their father happy person. Three years ago, now, my kids' father who was depressed and suicidal left me. I see how not putting up healthy boundaries have contributed to the problem and have been consistent about doing so and saying NO to my ex, for the first time in 21 years. What do you do when the boundaries you set, in order to protect your kids and yourself are constantly stepped over? He says he accepts my 'Rules' about how to coparent but keeps breaking them, then when I call him on it, he apologizes and tells my daughter that I've made him feel awful. She's put in the middel and is angry with me. If he has the right to overstep the boundaries I've put in place, then I'm not sure how I can make things better for my kids and I.

This video came into my life at the most divine timing. Thankyou for spreading your wisdom & sharing!

My dad used to cook way too much food and then left them in the cookware. And the food was terrible for others to eat but he might like it. I told him if he decided to cook something he want, just cook the amount he can finish. I'm not going to eat the leftovers. After he ignored my request 2-3 times, I dumped all the food he made. When he asked, I told him I dumped them all. He was upset about it. It was hard to see him upset but I held my empathy and said, I told you I'm not going to eat the leftovers. If you don't like a waste of food, cook the amount you can finish. He then never did it again.

My father's employer used to say I "put up barriers" when I wouldt flirt with him. I was 14.

I’m an empath and recently started setting boundaries I have a good friend that told me I’ve become distant. And I know it’s because I’ve made choices she didn’t like and I don’t feel guilty I take responsibility for my choices and I can’t control her feelings, emotions

I have a really difficult time stating my needs. I hate the guilt I feel. I am often accused (by men) that I am controlling. This confuses me a lot.

Julia, Boundaries are negotiated so they should be a respectful balance of needs and wants between people. When someone has needs or wants that are non-negotiable that is not a boundary, that is a personal rule or personal edict, and that's perfectly fine to have. Either the person follows your rules or the person does not. Even in your example, you made the point to show that boundaries are negotiated when you said that you can request that things be different (push-back) but that ultimately it is up to the other person to accept it or not. In your example about your father, you did not set a boundary with your father, you declared a non-negotiable edict. The difference here is very important because knowing upfront that you were giving an edict rather than a boundary would have sent a clear message to your father that your needs and wants were non-negotiable. As a side note, declaring an edict when your dad was clearly in the throes of anxiety about your safety was not the best choice. Negotiation can never be had with someone who is in the throes of anxiety. On another side note, manipulation may or may not be a form of malignant control. All control is not malignant; the situation dictates whether is or is not. I'm struggling with what you mean by needs and wants and how it relates to co-dependency. If a person is negotiating boundaries then it is assumed that the other person has equal power. Co-dependency is an imbalanced relationship with someone who is in the throes of substance abuse. If two people have the same power then one is not responsible for the care of another. If, however, there is some kind of legal relationship between the people, alleging that a person is a co-dependent simply because they have been made to rely on the other person is not co-dependency. In co-dependency power is very important.

I love the concept about people being allowed to ask, if we feel OK about saying no, when we need to xxx

But isn't telling your parents "this is what 'you need' to do because this is what I need to do" coercing? Trying to discern the difference.

This is so much more difficult when the person(s) are coworkers or managers. And what they say impacts they way others perceive you and the work you do.

Hi my name is Alishea cordova I'm really interested in learning how to do healthy boundaries and don't have the funds right now for the bootcame

Thank you Julia! I really liked the example of the gal who was renting from you. I definitely get it nation point it’s true I get upset because I have to come up with a plan or a spiel to tell them why I need to say now or I end up saying yes.! I learned a lot from this little clip

It's hard when we set up boundaries to see them as a line of defense and a guide for preparation for self care and reflection. Boundaries are created when we have a sure sign on what it is we want out of life and what we are willing to do and even compromise to make that happen. A strong healthy support system is key, when there is opposition it can be healthy but there needs to be similarities and likeness to give reassuring comfort and verification. Respect and mutuality comes when you have healthy boundaries set in place, with yourself first then branching out to a community based environment so to speak. When people test those boundaries it is because they are losing control or seeing if they still "have it".

Please give solutions. If you're at Christmas dinner you need tools to leave the table. Its not like stopping a phone conversation.

Do you have a recording of the Boundaries over the Holidays workshop?

This video has given me the most clarity on boundaries. Thank you for posting this.