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To identify the fantasy. Start with accepting the whole relationship was a lie. i can't cherry pick and say this part of her is real but that part of her is the disorder manifest. I wish her good health and happiness in this life but a spade is a spade and she is what she is. We're trying to destroy fantasies here. Then i must kill the idea i ever knew her at all, and that I was living a fantasy that whole time. My own personal wally world. Filled with excess and spent adrenaline. Alone, because i never knew her, and she, on her own trip, never knew me. I think I'm better off alone for awhile.
@@annalindsey5177 Thank you Anna. We're all just muddling through this. Otherwise id be well, and happy and not watching videos on narcissism. just thinking out loud to try to understand. Becausei dont really understand, i though i knew and It's not exactly dinnertime conversation stuff... is it. So I'm here.
I had to spend a lot of time alone and I'm just now getting to the point where I'm ready to make new friends I'm scared Il get hurt again but I can't give up! So far I made some friends at work I think that's a good start.
The hardest part is accepting the fact that I never knew these people and that they never really knew me. They act so kind and made me think that they understood me but they didn't that was a lie. None of them loved me for who I was. Luckily I never was in a sexual relationship with someone like that they were friends and relatives however my life was still a living hell and I wanted to die. I'm not like that anymore my mental health is way better now.
The narcissist mirrors you, and you literally fall in love with yourself. I am honest, so the narcissist is honest. I am kind, so the narcissist is kind, etc. Yaah, it is sick.
Me too, and very strange. I’ve met a number of domineering chics & have moved on. Don’t worry, there are still human angels out there. I think we meet those people so we can learn our standards.
How does it make sense that you keep ending up with them as best friends? I think I do this to, but haven’t worked it out. I don’t think there is a shared fantasy??
I do too. I think because my sister doesn't get along with me too well as I would like her too and I feel a gap in my life which I fill with a narc. Ideal sister.... Except that she is not. My recovery started with accepting my sister for who she is.
The grief, pain and betrayal you have to deal with, when you realize that your entire family is F*ed up and you can't and never could trust them, that you were never truly loved and that horrible realization of just how bad it really actually was, are not easy emotions to deal with but necessary to go through in order to heal properly.
Exactly! So many people are struggling with narcissistic romantic relationships. The incredibly painful process of realizing your family of origin never actually loved you and will willingly hurt you without a second thought, leave alone remorse, is so disorienting and painful. As if you don't really know where you came from. The shared fantasy - seen in so many holiday/vacation/wedding, etc photos - has to be destroyed so that you can build the one that reflects reality: these are just people with whom you share DNA and many experiences. Period. They may or may not have your back, depending on whether it benefits them somehow. But the idea that they have the same unconditional love and regard for you that you have had for them is a fantasy that is actually harmful to you. Oh, and you cannot discuss this with any of them in a meaningful way, because you'll only discover that what actually binds them together isn't love; it's self-preservation at the expense of any/everyone else.
@@eurokay4755 If you truly loved yourself you could never hurt another! I can’t remember who said it I think Rumi It is really true, they are miserable excuses for human beings… You will heal and will be stronger and truer to yourself than ever!❤️
This truth has been encrypted within my soul. Growing up like this, unloved and hurt, is truly insidious. Finally after a year of waiting, trauma therapy starts next week. It's like I trully can't believe myself after my (lifelong) "research". I went no contact 5 years ago, some of "them" longer. Feels like I belong no where and I'm nobody, I have no identity, no family of origin, like everything has been deleted. I have no photographs, no memories, just suppressed ones and they're not pretty when they come up. I'm in denial, I need the truth. I hope I do get confirmation, no one ever told me about these things. It's demon entity, the poison spread through me and manifested. In the beginning it felt like one drop of ink dispersed into water, the way it spread and gets diluted. That's how the poison started to spread starting at my heart. I'm so angry cuz I did try to get help from professionals, from my doctor (it was a substitute at the time), takes a lot to interact with "unknown" people. The "known" ones weren't safe. I was in shock, unable to cry for a few years (diagnosed acute stress disorder). After a year health has been deteriorated, I got diagnosed with restless legs and fibromyalgia. Then apparently I was like honey to all the toxic people, still. So obviously I attracted/got attracted>falsely attached to another narcissistic entity... Take care of yourself and get well soon 💗💪🏽. All I wanted while growing up was a loving, peaceful home. So far I became more and more of a hermit person. Now I no longer have the energy and will to interact "live" and stay "alive". I trully am exhausted to the core. Getting out of bed is almost a year's effort>energy is drained. The sweating has never been this much, I've been crippled with anxiety and fear since birth. I'm fighting to overcome... I got diagnosed with depression and ptsd. Brothers and sisters, please pray for us. May our Protector help us overcome the hardships, may we have the courage and strength, may we access the kindness and compassion within ourselves to heal, ameen. ☝🏽🌌💖💫
I want no contact. for a year. He died. In my junk mail he was asking me to reconsider. I could’ve been pulled in again. January 1, 2023 is a year anniversary of his death. I don’t think of him like I used to. I almost hooked up with another narcissist. But I put up boundaries. I didn’t get pulled in. no more shared fantasies for me. My old narcissists showed me the red flags.
@@susanparker9877 in the beginning it was either him or me. One of us had to die not literally. Emotionally. I don’t wish death on anyone. But I am afraid if he did not die I could’ve been dragged in with him. Thank you for your good wishes
So true, I think there can be remnants of missing that person, perhaps based on what you had spoken about-provoking our maternal instincts. A codependent relationship, to be sure: “I need you, you need me”. I have just come to be at peace that while I may miss that person, I don’t miss the constant firing of my nervous system. It helps (for me, anyway) to become an outside observer of your own life, and be your own “inner childs” guardian.
We fall in love with the illusion with the persona they pretend to be. After this the alternating hormones caused by the cycle keep us off balance and hopeful. We tend to remember the good things and forget or block out the bad. The love for the person they pretended to be is real and can't just turned off. I agree, the idea of the life we were promised has to be killed but to overcome codependency we need to heal childhood trauma. Unfortunately, so many flee in the next abusive relationship, get stuck being a victim or stay alone and choose a more controllable relationship with God. Codependency is the mirror image of NPD and just as toxic.
My nervous system was going haywire, and I don't miss that either... I talk to myself a lot. "You're a GOOD GIRL and you're doing a good job." 👩🎨🐕🐾🐾 I speak to my sweet dog that way, and if she could speak, I'm very sure she'd say it back.👩🎨🐕🐾🐾🐾
The way to destroy the share fantasy. 1 first you must accept this person never loved you .2 belive you never were in love with this narcisist.3 brake the fantasy love you thought was real. 4 accept you were in love with a lie that he created for you .5 accept that the hoovering and love bombing was a strategy you called love and it was a manipulation strategy for you to fall in love with somebody (narcisist) that created a false person. 6 see the person (narcisist) the truth person it will be painful but you must. 7 .move on and take it easy on you .8 don't blame yourself for his ways.9 forgive yourself. 10 Don't let them destroy the real person that it's you .come back to you .see the real person (you ) a wonderful human being an emphatic person.
@@chyennewhisman7166 this is the hardest.. kids can't understand.. best is just not put yourself in the middle.. for your own sanity.. they need a relationship with the other parent. But this is about you now firstly.
Start to believing in yourself & realize, they were wrong. They were just saying it to piss u off. To get a reaction out of u! To make u lose ur sanity, to break u. Start to invest into YOURSELF, start bringing good things into your life, so ur self esteem gonna grow & u will feel better & STRONGER!! 😘😘😘
You ask yourself hard questions that destroy the shared fantasy: liars don’t love. You don’t love by false image. You can only love a true authentic person. And you have to start implanting truth into your children that shocks the narcissist and shows their true colors. You loved who they pretended to be. Not who they actually are. I’m not hiding myself or my experience my mom dad and sister are histrionic narcissists. They lie all the time. They’re strangers to me. I’m moving on. Realize that if they can’t even remember the past how it actually happened, then they aren’t really real. Once you realize they’re dead inside. An NPC in a game that isn’t actually real. Then you realize you can live without them. They need you but you don’t need them. It becomes easier when you accept that you have to treat them as a diseased drug addict. Don’t tell them anything and trigger them subconsciously in public and use that to show who they are. Hide in plain sight, pull your kids away and after they’re fully out of your life, show your kids how to tell for themselves, they’ll cling onto you because you truly love them. And they’ll know the truth.
It wasn’t a fantasy. It was my life, my home, and my quiet peaceful isolated world I made for my self that they came into, wanting to partake and “be my partner”. Infiltrating my blessed “real life fantasy” I was living. When in reality what they were after was what I had, and what I had built for myself, and not me. It ruined the determination in me to go against my mothers life long advice of “you have to harden your heart or else your allowing people to hurt you, and they will”. My life looked like a fantasy to them, and nothing more then a game for them to fuck it up. I had a life they could never have unless they took it from some one. Him and his family thought they broke me and found an easy “sugar momma” as they called me, that they could steal from, and use up. It still pissed them off that my morals and ethics are stronger then them, and their shady corrupt abuse, and I was able to walk away. No matter how much money or assets they steal from me and my family, I won’t comply with their abuse, and they will NEVER EVER “own me” or be allowed in my life again. They were tested, and failed. Proved they were lying thieves that I will never in a million years be able to marry and build a healthy happy life with. With out trust you have nothing. Absolutely NOTHING, and it’s ALL pointless. Like I’ve always maintained, I know what I want, and what I don’t. I’ve always been very vocal about it and made my self clear. I don’t play bullshit word games and cut right to the shit, especially if boundaries are being broken. It’s weeding out the “fakes”, and finding the ones with genuine, and pure intentions, that I struggle with. Now I understand what gaslighting and manipulation is. You have ruined me as far as having a “romantic relationship” with any one, Richard Grannon. It’s really hard for me to behave like a “civilized lady”, when I feel like I’m surrounded by Fuckn Neanderthals majority of the time that I try to have contact with the opposite sex lol People all seem to think they know what they want, until they get it, then they get bored. No one has stamina to go the distance any more.
@pickle9753 You're right. You are so right! It is your life. My life...and someone else's life whom had an experience with a narcissist who invaded our peace.
@@delphinem4c I’m so sorry you experienced that. Stay strong, you can get through this. You are here now, and already on your healing path 💪🔥 I wish you all the best in your journey moving forward. Sending healing vibes, and love from Alberta ❤️🖖☯️💪🔥☮️🦋
🙋🗽🍎 Absolutely Richard Grannon! You cut out the cancerous Narcissist from the root! If not it will continue to grow and eventually destroy you. Thank God I left my Narcissist 5 years ago. I can breathe again.🙏🏼😤💆
This is why, even though he called me the n word instead of my name, and even though I lost myself and became a shadow, I still cry everyday after he unexpectedly died 8 months ago. Thank you for the enlightenment. It really helps.
You’ve just explained everything I had to do to rid my life of all narcissists. I accepted my mother is narcissistic and so is my mother and stopped dreaming of a wonderful life with a fantastic partner. Now I just want a simple person who has qualities I want and none of the trimmings and masks.
@@MerakiTheTribe it is my experience I had an ideal partner in my head , perfect , magical , wonderful. After a long time I realise it is just that , a person in your imagination doesn’t exist in reality.
The shared fantasy in my life began at conception. My dad and his side of the family were narcs. Since that fantasy was never broken, I always chose narcs, even friends were narcs.
Start to believing in yourself & realize, they were wrong. They were just saying it to piss u off. To get a reaction out of u! To make u lose ur sanity, to break u. Start to invest into YOURSELF, start bringing good things into your life, so ur self esteem gonna grow & u will feel better & STRONGER!! 😘😘😘
@@shirleygill6209 start by accepting that it is a fantasy, it's not real, they are not an adult, mature person. You projected your ideals onto them and they projected their shortcomings, their contempt onto you. They are not fully Humans, just a toddler with arrested development, but you imagined that just because they are physically attractive, they must be spiritually deep and attractive too. They are just the opposite - empty shell that you filled out with your own reflection. They drained you, and now you're an empty shell. They convinced you that you needed them to survive while they were drinking your blood in order to survive, to sustain their meaningless existence. Realize that you've mistaken this vampire for a human. Once you've done that, you will not miss him/her.
It's about healing and letting go, it takes time, prayer helps alot, having a support network that understands you, get out there with your friends, make new friends, pick up a hobby, the more you think of the narcissist the longer you will feed energy into that connection
You are absolutely right!! I went from one straight to another. I spent MANY years holding onto the fantasy, married one, engaged to the other, and had a child with both of them. I'm finally letting go of the fantasy I had for so long, and learning to create a new life of happiness with my children and dogs. It's VERY difficult and takes time to let go, but eventually you'll realize the opportunity you have for yourself and your loved ones 💕
I’m living in that shared fantasy still for another 5 weeks until we finally go out separate ways. She already has a new supply. I know when she found him too because she completely changed toward us. Where before she wanted to fight for us, after realizing that thanks to several peoples videos, I had become aware of The Game I had been stuck in for 14+ years of my life. Now there is more peace in the house but it is also falling to see her smile and chit chat/flirt with her new supply. I know that this is what needs to happen so I can be free. I know that this little ball of jealousy is actually the small part of a narcissist she had created in me that is now thinking it needs to win. I need to steal her back. But now, I know, that is all a mistake and it’s just that little narcissistic ball seeking its own supply. So how do you break this shared fantasy? I am completely alone. Finally after 14 years, I have been separated from all family and friends I ever had. In 5 weeks I will be homeless. A man that has sacrificed his health safety and life away to provide for a family. A man who for 14yrs was working his hands making as much wealth as the narcissist would allow, to now find himself broke. Alone. Homeless. Jobless with no support system. This is it. In 5 weeks I will relocate her and my 2 children back to the other end of the country. But not me. I’ll be homeless. She has beaten me down to the point where I’m not sure if I even want to get back on my feet and face the world. I really just want to lay down into a hole and finish this life. I realized that the reason she has been able to (finally after all of these years) to get up early in the morning was to talk to her new supply before he heads off to work for the day. A swirl of emotions. I’m currently seeking options to see a therapist and start the process of healing.
Thank you Richard, this was so truely perfectly helpful and wonderful in this moment. You have blessings flowing through you for the people. So much love sending forward. 💓
Start to believing in yourself & realize, they were wrong. They were just saying it to piss u off. To get a reaction out of u! To make u lose ur sanity, to break u. Start to invest into YOURSELF, start bringing good things into your life, so ur self esteem gonna grow & u will feel better & STRONGER!! 😘😘😘
I understand completely and now I know why I continue to attract narcissist. I will destroy the fantasy because I don't want to go through this again. Thank you.
Start to believing in yourself & realize, they were wrong. They were just saying it to piss u off. To get a reaction out of u! To make u lose ur sanity, to break u. Start to invest into YOURSELF, start bringing good things into your life, so ur self esteem gonna grow & u will feel better & STRONGER!! 😘😘😘
Of everything in my ptsd, nothing… nothing was as hard as destroying the “shared fantasy.” It took a number of tries and I’m happy to say he finally destroyed it to where it’s irreparable & I’m so happy. Like I don’t have to fix that mess, and that’s your mess. 😂
@@rhondahaynie9522 It’s the same thing as breaking the trauma bond, to me. The pretending that this dude is a good dude because of how hard we’ve laughed and all the cosmic things we’ve experienced. The shared fantasy is the “pretending” that he didn’t do all the horrible stuff, too. Destroying the shared fantasy is just always remembering the reality of the person. Then they turn, just gross in your mind.
@@carolbeukes4810 for some reason being alone in the car is one big trigger.. That and dreams. But now it's getting old hat like more of an annoyance than a problem. Like why haven't I gotten over this yet
@@jeffsmith9384 Time..and being aggressive about your boundaries and thought patterns..exercise was my first go to.. boxing 😉 had a real fear of going out in public on my own.. and isolation.. mainly bad idea.. but needed the time to get my thoughts about who I was sorted.. that's what happens, they consume your existence so much so, that you forget who you are.. Get you back first and foremost.
This is absolutely true. I walked away from one narc feeling strong and sorted only to connect with another older and much more malignant narc. I didn't know about Narcissism or shared fantasy then and the second experience completely destroyed my self esteem. With time I realized that this idealization and shared fantasy was my way of disassociating from the stress of living the life I envisioned.
The shared fantasy is like an STD you have an option to treat or spread. God bless couples who live with STDs responsibily & take their emotional hygiene seriously ❤ Bless you Richard ❤
Oh my What a gem to stumble upon This is exactly why I’m still stuck myself even though he’s gone and I know me and our kids deserve better Thank you so so much Destroying shared fantasy as we speak ❤
YES!! ON POINT‼️ This is only way one can truly move forward. If one cannot get rid of this means, to me, they could see the dynamic for what it really is. Understanding can be true freedom and/or key ingredient to empower new responses and mind/heart set❤🙌
@@chyennewhisman7166 sadly, yes. I love them both. I noticed Richard has a habit to look down on some close pple, and Sam suffered to hear Richard badmouthing him. Sam says it in a recent video. I believe they both grew through their closeness and fall out. Luckily Richard is incorporating the bright concept of the lack of integration of object that recently Sam put out regarding borderline and narcissism.
Grateful I can say this now, but I am so grateful my parents went to such extremes when discarding me. I fought for that fantasy for 7 years!!! Literally to see they would do everything short of kill me!!!! I am so grateful they killed the fantasy for me, 7 years of childlike resilience to extreme abuse and shunning. It got to the point that it was like ok they're gonna end you - like this is reality now. Must kill the fantasy!
The lovely irony of Richard Grannon not pulling any punches in being authentic, real and forthcoming in how he understands masculinity being in essence to some degree anti-social in its inherent agressive and violent nature yet him showing the world over and over again how he is able, willing and proactive to implement the qualities of his masculine agression and directness in the most loving, empathetic, pro-social and philantropic ways is just 🥰🥰🥰 I see this man as a gift to humanity and his existence definetely is nothing short of like a gift to me and I cherish that! I feel that under his guidance I can grow into the best man I could ever become and I am looking forward to keep learning more and more of him! Kuddos!!!!!
Start to believing in yourself & realize, they were wrong. They were just saying it to piss u off. To get a reaction out of u! To make u lose ur sanity, to break u. Start to invest into YOURSELF, start bringing good things into your life, so ur self esteem gonna grow & u will feel better & STRONGER!! 😘😘😘
Start to believing in yourself & realize, they were wrong. They were just saying it to piss u off. To get a reaction out of u! To make u lose ur sanity, to break u. Start to invest into YOURSELF, start bringing good things into your life, so ur self esteem gonna grow & u will feel better & STRONGER!! 😘😘😘
@@marie_84 imo only healing your childhood trauma to overcome codependency and people-pleasing will keep you out of toxic relationships. It will raise your self esteem, your self love and self worth and with this boundaries can be established, you will gain the ability to say no and your attachment style changes.
This is so hilarious I literally just wrote a poem about how I don't miss him, but I miss the fantasy that I built inside my head of having a United family. And he was a part of that.
Destroying the shared fantasy look at who this person is now, forget what was promised to you, forget who that person was or acted like they were when you met. The person you fell in love with is gone look at their now behaviors because this is who they really are, forget the fantasy they created for you both. It’s difficult to let go but you have to ask yourself is this how you treat someone you love.
When I moved out, before the divorce, I left wedding portrait on the wall, wedding album and framed photo collage of our only trip overseas. I've never gone back to the house and that street in nearly 2 years. I feel I'm starting a new book, NOT a new chapter. That first book was fiction, a fantasy.....
No contact is a start - I would definitely get his book and start there. This dynamic is debilitating for so many people - I’d definitely consider making an investment for yourself and future relationship dynamics ❤
it wasn't easy, but for me it was this: I brought the fantasy to mind, one by one, as it played like a movie in my head and being Very Real with myself I would bring the feelings to mind and destroy them one by one. I had to be real with myself about everything. it worked, but I don't know if it works for everyone.
Grieving my relationship of 20 years with my husband was the hardest thing I ever did. Still having to see him regularly was a killer. Giving up on our dream of growing old together was so hard to let go. 😢 💚 I did it all with a professional. I couldn't do it without. 💚
I believe this shared fantasy is just unhealthy energy. I got a book years ago that talked about how we all have energetic cords connecting us w others in our life. Some cords are unhealthy and some are good healthy connections. I tried what the book talked about which basically is imagine the unhealthy energetic cord and sever it in your mind....with an imaginary sword or scissors etc. I swear it works. Bc the book also describes that once you sever that unhealthy energetic cord they will often contact you wondering how you are. I had did this method on three men in my life. One was my ex and the other two I severed any unhealthy energetic ties but kept any healthy ties intact. My god all three guys messaged me wondering how I was doing. I know it works to do this because really we are all energetic beings
Excellent true Comments 👍, It makes you think they Do Love you, But the Truth is They never Loved you in the First place, Once you Realise this it will make it possible to move on ,But they will never Get out of your memory of that Trauma Bond they Left you with 🥵 I'm afraid something you live with All your life, From Experience 🥴 you will move on but the Damage 💔 is Always there 🥵
So true i have been in 4 narcisstic romantic relationships and my mom is a narc to. I had so much hope but end up the same i never gave up love but this last one had to be so distructive that their is no escape from healing and doing the innerwork. Do niet know where to start to damaged at the moment but will get beter everyday with enough rest and positive outlook....
How can any of us have friendships with people like this. How do we crush the memory or living hope of what we thought was a mutual friendship? Apparently narcissists are not capable of forgiveness. You speak of destruction. You ask HOW. Forgiveness is always an option but forgetting might not be possible. We remember.....
Yes I left him and now I see narcissist every where it's people that I already knew way before him but I didn't know what a narcissist was until I met him so when I got back home I was like oh hell no
