Tips to Overcome Demand Avoidance for Autistic Adults

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Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the topic of managing demand avoidance in Autistic Adults. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
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Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (RU-vidr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about providing validation and support for Autistic people and their loved ones.
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25 май 2024

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Комментарии : 250

@ALittleSnowFairySaga Месяц назад

The difference between being assertive and not coming across as an asshole still gets me every time.

@Figuringitout7 Месяц назад

Such a fine line. No wonder we can fall so often 🥴

@PaulThronson Месяц назад

I have found that no matter how much effort I put in being attentive and show concern, I'll still look not quite normal enough and occasionally be accused of being insincere. Sucks but practice makes perfect and I think I have gotten quite a bit better after 50 years :)

@objectivityisourfriend9631 Месяц назад

Depending on the culture, people really can get their back up at plain directness. I'm ASD level one and with a Dutch partner because for those people, not being direct is inefficient, disrespectful, and just plain dumb. We get along famously. You can supersize the Dutch Directness if you want and go straight to Germany. I just got a dinner reservation response for our upcoming trip in Aachen, and the email had the get-out time on the reservation: 6pm - 7:15pm. I mean hey - I always stress at restaurants wondering if I'm overstaying and they need the table. The Germans set the boundaries and rules and take the stress out. Although I prefer the French way of lingering for hours over cheese and wine. Good god look at this ramble.

@Eluderatnight Месяц назад

I find between being labeled a weak autist and an @hole, being labled an @hole has a better outcome.

@nancysmith8626 Месяц назад

ME TOO.

@LWren-nr6ud Месяц назад

During my autism assessment I said I thought I was good at remembering appointments because I write it down everywhere, then on the day I don't do anything except think about the appointment and have 3-4 alarms for me to leave on time.... they pointed out that that isn't how most people "remember" things 😅

@angelareimann6433 Месяц назад

Sheesh. Same. Maybe I should get an assessment.

@misspatvandriverlady7555 Месяц назад

@@angelareimann6433Could also be ADHD. The majority of autistic people also qualify for an ADHD diagnosis (including me and my daughter)! 🫠

@whambalamb Месяц назад

I have two cats and have an in home groomer visit every 5 weeks to do their nails and trim hair, I can't focus on much other than this appointment and I'm nervous even if I don't have to bring my cats anywhere. Cats are unpredictable and can be difficult to work with but I hired a professional and she helps immensely.

@leahmartinez7200 Месяц назад

This makes so much sense. I’ve tried to explain to hubs that I NEED to have a paper calendar on the wall so I can write stuff down and see it for weeks on end to remember I have an appointment. He said “just set a reminder on your phone.” No sir. My brain does NOT work that way.

@TigaFeva 29 дней назад

i do this too lol.

@ruthhorowitz7625 Месяц назад

My personal needs have not been met my entire life. Been in severe autistic burnout for three years.

@ShadoeLandman Месяц назад

Basically, if I ever feel I’m being judged or there are expectations, it causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t really even want positive feedback because it makes me feel judged. And I grew up being told how stupid and useless and helpless I was, no being screamed at, often with cursing and swearing added, so negative judgements are straight up traumatizing. Just leave me alone and ignore me most of the time. No one accepts that putting more pressure on me is counterproductive. No one. No one makes even the simplest accommodations. There is no one to help me with tasks that trigger breakdowns. I feel the world just threw me to the wolves. Even if I stand up for myself, nothing changes because no one is willing to make accommodations.

@sabrinasetzler689 Месяц назад

❤

@NightMystique13 Месяц назад

I had a very similar childhood-and I was on my own at 17. Sink or swim indeed.

@leedegnan2040 Месяц назад

🥰 your tribe is here and hears you

@user-rd6vu2ey5p Месяц назад

So relatable Shadoel. Can only send you ❤ like Sabrina, above

@ranc1977 29 дней назад

"If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem." YT kingbee9778

@kimsherlock8969 Месяц назад

I dislike gossip, bullying, harassment and discrimination I didn't fit into a Charity Store click , I was concentrated on working and improving the store with my art skills of Window dressing and didnt go out the back to bitch. I became the target for horrendous emotional bullying unnecessary and cruel sadistic abuse. I was an outsider and they destroyed my reputation with falsehood.

@sophie13.wright10 29 дней назад

I totally understand, same for me. I chose to be by myself which causes me to stand out even more.

@PaulThronson Месяц назад

Watching you have a meltdown over the cancelation fee - and recovering from it - was awesome. How many others can relate to this? I assume you must take a lot of time to script these examples because I believe they really help normalize behavior. If you are just winging this - you are simply amazing.

@aliceh5289 18 дней назад

That was a meltdown??? Either I need to get an assessment or I need to stop watching dramatic RU-vidrs (not referring to him) lol

@Franimus Месяц назад

Fun fact: the astronaut mentality you described is the same for all aviation/pilots. We rely on checklists to no end, and pilots who skip their checklists are the ones you see on the evening news!

@mammajamma4959 Месяц назад

Again I just cry alot when I listen to you, because it is touching me so deep. I am 64, I have little hope of getting a Dx because I live in rural Alaska. I am sure my brothers were autistic (25,27th employees at Apple) My 2 sons Dx and I have realized since watching you that I am too. I am in that mourning stage. Thank you. This that you provide is what so many of us need. My youngest son still needs so much support, I am thankful I am retired (he is 27) and thank you for supporting me in my boundaries and my needs! Love you Orion, thank you.

@misspatvandriverlady7555 Месяц назад

You are in good company, fellow autist! ❤️

@WilliamAlanPhoto Месяц назад

This is an important one, like all the others. I have failed at office politics every time. I thought I knew it was happening, then suddenly, I'm not aware of it at all, and suddenly, I'm way behind on why everyone is blaming me for everything.

@Emarie468 Месяц назад

I’m 24 and undiagnosed, but strongly suspect I’m autistic. Your videos have completely changed the way I view and treat myself, as well as deepened my understanding of why I am the way I am. I’m not sure when I’ll schedule an assessment, because a label isn’t that important to me. I’m also mildly traumatized by the field of psychiatry as a whole lol…But just watching your videos and using your tips and tricks has made me feel like a weight is off my shoulders. Thank you for doing what you do.

@TheAutisticResearcherPA Месяц назад

I agree! For myself, I did a few online assessments that were spot on. So just to know personally those did it for me as far as confirmation.

@whathappenedtomyyoutubehandle Месяц назад

Maybe a little thought piece to combat potential imposter syndrome: We (as a society) are used to "not labeling things" until proven otherwise. But if you think about the ableist, heteronormative, cisnormative (etc. etc.) implications and origins of this idea, you'll start to see that 1. This is not a lack of label at all, rather it is the assumed label of neurotypical, straight, cis etc. And 2. It is actually not as much of a safe bet to "not label" as we thought. For example if you think you are autistic, you probably are (self-diagnosis has been proven highly accurate). If you think you might be gay or bisexual, you probably are. And then, how safe is it to bet on being "unlabeled"? I have decided for myself that it is much safer for my life and mental health to assume autism and turning out to be neurotypical, than the other way around. It sounds ridiculous for me now to even entertain the possibility of being neurotypical, but there was a time when I could not believe I had autism. Mostly because I had no idea what it meant, but whatever. I was really hoping this reply would be shorter :')

@nancyziegler5724 Месяц назад

I will be 69yoa on 6/29. undiagnosed. through watching Orions videos, I began to understand why I have been very different since I was very young. had problems learning in school, issues liking people & not trusting them. (that's another story). been bullied, etc. I digress... I understand Emarie468, I get it. I don't feel diagnosis is that important, as long as we have Orion we can & will SOLDIER ON! Self diagnosis is the way to go. not a bunch of red tape to go thru.

@pokemonsonicgirl123 Месяц назад

@@whathappenedtomyyoutubehandleCorection: self-diagnosis has been proven to be stupid.

@NightMystique13 Месяц назад

At 58 I am pushing for a proper dx as I have other very comorbid conditions and my six kids are all ND. As a former nurse in long term care, having the correct diagnosis will ensure (hopefully) proper treatment in old age. Not being over medicated due to an incorrect dx with different types of mental health issues that come with old age.

@RainbowPyramid Месяц назад

❤❤❤ even just going to an art class that I love ... for days before my brain is screaming NNNNOOOOOO ...I DON'T WANT TO GO. I go with my son and not letting him down gets me determined to go. I wish I didn't have anxiety chasing me for days before the art lesson

@queenmotherbug Месяц назад

Thank you for this video! There are so few resources with good tips for autistic adults who struggle with demand avoidance in daily life. It's like they think once you hit adulthood, suddenly it's no longer an issue. You give some excellent advice.

@NeuroSpicySheri Месяц назад

I struggle with this term “demand”. From my perspective, the demand part of PDA for me is the demand for my focus and my spoons in the moment. Resistance is my brain saying, “we don’t have the energy and/or focus right now to direct toward this.”

@GraceBrooks-zy3ms Месяц назад

As audhd parents who are working, going to school, managing our very needy home, financial stress, health, etc. the amount my partner and I can achieve does not keep pace with the expectations of life. Our to do list is done at the same pace that new tasks are added to it and it is incredibly overwhelming, soul crushing and suffocating. The necessary triage of tasks results in things falling into chaos which only exacerbates the stress. I respond to the overwhelm by going into shut down mode which is wildly unhelpful. I will accomplish 1-2 tasks/day but it's not enough, I lose my energy and find I can't keep up. I appreciate what you said about celebrating wins- I'm really bad at that. But doesn't change that it's not enough to actually get the list down to a manageable number of tasks.. love your videos thanks Orion.

@jasyp8255 Месяц назад

I habe the same problem (audd too) it' so overwelming! I habe no one minute in peace for my self and the task are never done. It's like a emergency situation 24/7 all the time !!

@misspatvandriverlady7555 Месяц назад

This married-mother of son-divorced-remarried-mother of daughter-widowed AuDHD-PI twice-exceptional lady sees and hears you. You can only do what you can do. You MUST cut down your to-do list to the bare essentials of survival and, of course, supporting your offspring. My primary tasks are; working job, obtaining food, preparing food, cleaning dishes, washing clothing, evacuating trash from home. Vacuuming is a rare occurrence. So is picking up the toys. The laundry is never all put away. I live out of laundry baskets. Important papers are tucked in a napkin holder; most of my monthly bills go on credit cards which can then be paid off all at once. Paying the rent and obtaining medications are my major monthly priorities. I started my daughter in summer activities before the school year ended, and that was a mistake. These few weeks of transition into summer are proving TOUGH! But we can survive and persevere; we must! One day, nay, one hour, at a time! 😤

@kimrobinson6285 27 дней назад

I'm AuDHD as well, and felt every word you said. I feel so inadequate when others seem to accomplish things with ease. I feel like I never get time to relax, because there are always so many demands looming. It's soul-crushing.

@jasonuren3479 Месяц назад

Problem with writing it on a calendar or in a diary, is you have to look at the diary or calendar. This is hard for someone like me who never remembers. Reminders in my phone however, i don't have to remember anything, phone does it for me, therefore relieving the stress around worrying you're going to forget to check the diary/calendar. Believe me, i tried for 30 years. Edit: 700 oven mitts - spot on 😂😂😂

@user-zu5um2vo4w Месяц назад

Put the calendar on the door you exit out of the most at eye level so it is repeated everytime you walk through the door (back of bedroom door and/or front door) and goes into your subconscious. Not a fail safe but helps a lot (reduces forgetting)

@jasonuren3479 Месяц назад

@@user-zu5um2vo4w Nope, tried the door thing. Trouble is most of the things I have to remember involves being in the house and I never shut internal doors. Actually did have one of those notice boards you write on with felt tip pen,, also had magnets to hold appointment letters etc Trouble with that was, forgot to look at it. It's 3 feet from my seat in the lounge. Phone is the only thing that works without fail

@user-zu5um2vo4w Месяц назад

@jasonuren3479 ok fair enough, doesn't work for everyone. Was just a suggestion. Maybe an Alexa or Google home type thing could work? Edit: my brain skipped the part where you said phone works for you 😅🤦‍♂️

@jasonuren3479 Месяц назад

@@user-zu5um2vo4w No worries. That's the beauty of it though, it's trial and error. Like you say works for some. That's why I appreciate channels like this, someone always suggests something that makes me think 'hmm can I make that work?' that I might not have thought about. Cheers.

@nancyziegler5724 Месяц назад

a calendar is my best way ~ that way I can look each morning & check what's going on for appx 2mos. I must know WAY ahead of time...

@georgespiese7388 Месяц назад

It’s so very nice to talk to someone who expresses my same concerns so well. I feel less alone.

@michaelz2484 Месяц назад

Thank you for your work I bow and nod to you from a safe distance with indirect eye contact-ish.

@michaelz2484 Месяц назад

This is making me feel things I can barely comprehend because, I think .. maybe, the precision of how exactly ,this empathic , insightful and validating piece is hitting me, seems like a foreign feeling. Very few times, EVER, has another person called me out and validated me in such a helpful and familiar language ,to me This is kind of an amazing feeling. And now I'm self-conscious about tired banter being comprehendable

@user-hu9eg7ck9b Месяц назад

Thanks for your videos! I have some comments from the perspective of an AuDHD person: - Digital calendars vs physical: Remembering to update the physical calendar is a big thing. For the digital one, tasks and events can be added automatically without your intervention, and even if you remember to look at it once in a long while, you get a good overview. I also have things set up such that I get a ding and a readout of the event when I get a calendar notification. I used to have it read the description too, but it got too easy to tune those out. You can't do that on a physical calendar. - Daily routine: I have never been able to form any habits, and as a result, I have never been able to build any routines. I don't have a daily/morning/evening routine to build off of, no matter what I've tried (and I've tried a lot). This doesn't feel good. - Timers, alarms, alerts to improve time management: You touched upon notification fatigue in your digital calendars section, but it's easy to dismiss them and not notice. I haven't found a good solution for specific times yet, but for the end of the day, I have everything on my phone and computer block. I can choose to disable it for 15 minutes at a time, but that hard interruption is very useful. I have also set it up so that e.g. if I'm working, I can't open timesink apps.

@Flopsi80 Месяц назад

I have AuDHD, too. And I have a lot of routines. I do thinks exactly the same way every day, for example going to bed and after I wake up. I didn't make my routines on purpose, it came naturally because it's fitting my needs.

@callista5625 Месяц назад

Living w my narcissistic parent who is constantly invalidating, gaslighting, mocking, and triggering me for a reaction has made functioning feel near impossible. Its hard to care for myself, assert boundaries, and recognize my needs when im expected to function at the same level consistently. Im trapped in burnout, my mental health is deteriorating, and im still constantly pressured to do, do, do. I wish no contact w possible so i can actually focus on myself. This felt really validating, and im gonna try implementing these tips where i can

@andreabuntpercy Месяц назад

I'm 75, newly diagnosed. I just came off a year and a half of dealing with finances, trying to get bills paid, not knowing what I was doing because my husband had always done them, but he had just died. It was brutal. I could not think, could not move, wondering when somebody was going to throw me into debtor's prison.Thank you for filling me in about what was happening. I thought I was going crazy.

@nancyziegler5724 Месяц назад

that must have been horrific. so sorry.

@misspatvandriverlady7555 Месяц назад

May you find some peace, fellow autistic widow. ❤️‍🩹

@vulpixelful 24 дня назад

I'm not even autistic but this was a great outline of the bs we human beings put each other through for no reason 😔

@DocWho77 Месяц назад

You are such a gift Orion! You are helping me in having stronger relationship with my two autistic daughters. I have so many questions about how to be a better support to them. You have so many of the answers I'm searching for!!

@MarciaB12 Месяц назад

Boy do I need this. Thank u❤

@sourgreendolly7685 Месяц назад

It's so nice whenever I see parents, other family members, and friends that genuinely want to be there for their autistic loved ones in the comments of these videos! We're not all lucky enough to have a parent like you but it heals my inner child just little bit whenever I see it.

@MarciaB12 Месяц назад

@@sourgreendolly7685 it is nice. I agree.

@AnneShirleyMarshall Месяц назад

My mom passed at age 89 and although we weren't enemies I can see now how much she struggled to understand me... back then we were ignorant...

@MarciaB12 Месяц назад

@@AnneShirleyMarshall I can understand and relate.

@Beds98 Месяц назад

As an autistic adult who received diagnosis in my 20s, I am so grateful for this resource. So many things are tailored to children surrounding autistic resources. Thank you Orion, what you’re doing means a lot, is helpful and it’s important!

@amandamandamands Месяц назад

The one that I really love /s with cancellations is if it is a NDIS service. NDIS guidelines are that you have to give 7 days notice otherwise they get a cancellation fee. Not all providers will say 7 days but enough of them do and the only reason they give is that it is because that is what the guidelines say. One of my providers has 24 hours because they understand that life happens and no one else anywhere has to give that long a notice period (love them and their approach to clients as a whole).

@NitFlickwick Месяц назад

I’ve even had kindness and compassion showed to me, but I find it nearly impossible to provide it to myself.

@user-jr6ez2gl3m Месяц назад

Neurotipical people have public warnings to avoid danger we are also entitled to have ours

@BadMotivator66 Месяц назад

i'm not diagnosed but i find this bang-on. my best friend has been helping me practice saying phrases that allow me to stand by ground whilst knowing i'm not being rude (where i will definitely be fired as i am being mistreated at work)

@cindymccafferty8346 Месяц назад

Write down everything that happens and date it. Also record it on your phone. This counts as a “hostile work environment” and possibly a suit for not providing accommodations for disabled people.

@christamadock1034 Месяц назад

This is one of your best videos. As a mom of 2 diagnosed ASD sons (now adults) and my undiagnosed husband, your insight has been incredibly useful. Wish it had been available 25 years ago. Bless you for helping me and my son who watches you occasionally. You and this community are amazing! ❤

@colournut Месяц назад

Your videos are very good at explaining thing. I am not officially diagnosed as autistic. I am seeing a therapist and she has said after listening to all the problems and struggles i have she suspects i have some autistic traits. But to get officially diagnosed it's a 2 to 3 year waiting list. I first found you videos this year. It was the autistic burn out video. But after watching the autistic shut down video that describes what i went through recently. i had this shutdown 3 times in the last 5 years. I lost my voice for 5 and a half weeks.

@Chandra-hm2fw Месяц назад

The workplace - This 1000% - I have agoraphobia from office dynamics that I am incapable of handling at all. This was so appreciated.

@Jenna.g.85 Месяц назад

I struggle knowing how to breaking tasks down. I definitely do better writing things out even though it’s a slower process that doesn’t fit in our fast paced world. Great video Orion

@jennadee6761 Месяц назад

💯! It’s important to point out especially when we are in burnout or also have ADHD AND PDA, we cannot simply break tasks down, let alone communicate all the tasks without becoming dysregulated, overwhelmed or having a meltdown/shutdown.

@misspatvandriverlady7555 Месяц назад

@@jennadee6761Ooh, yeah, I never allow myself to start to think of ALL the tasks! I focus on what is most critical, right now. Then break THAT down, if needed.

@madamenordica Месяц назад

Yep. At some point every job I've ever had has basically asked me to lie for them. Usually this resulted in me being fired. ps F WORKPLACE POLITICS - omg omg there is NOTHING I HATE WORSE!

@tazyou11 Месяц назад

I would just add that as far as getting physical activity, there is Virtual Reality. I know it's good to get outside and get fresh air and the sun, but if for some reason you can't or really don't want to, then Virtual Reality can be great for exercise. I personally own a Meta Quest 3 and love music, so Beat Saber is fun. Also, Samba De Amigo, even if I dont dance well, this game gets your whole body moving. There is Walkabout mini golf, ForeVR Bowling, Fruit Ninja, different boxing simulators, specific apps for exercise, and meditation. Other relaxing apps or games are out there like Tetris Effect, Angry Birds VR, and Puzzling Places, where you make 3D puzzles. There are so many things to do in VR. Just want to say I really enjoy your content, Orion. I appreciate how you get your point across. Take care 🙂

@marypatterson7385 Месяц назад

The amount of insight and compassion that you are offering for me to give to myself is life changing. Thank you for all your content. ❤

@natc.5940 Месяц назад

$5.99 to join my support group…. Dude, that is no joke. a lot of communities that look really good have exactly that. I mean, I get it that we need sources of income, but as a neurodivergent person with a head injury and no income it is terribly upsetting to find my access to people or groups that sound good to connect to are barred to me. Thank you for not impeding people that way!

@Lutan_the_fey 25 дней назад

This was a wonderful video to watch, I think it is very helpful. Thank you. From my personal experience, it helps me to take time between activities. It takes a few minutes (and sometimes a lot more) to calm down and get my mind to let go of something and to even be ready to accept a new task. It is like a deathgrip I first have to loosen up. Another thing that helps me is to try not to force it but to convince myself. Instead of thinking about why I have to do something, I tell myself reasons of why I might want to do it, until something resonates.

@dayegilharno4988 Месяц назад

:) Glad you're still with us... I just watched the vid of your burn-out about a year ago, thought I might better check in. Man was that an eye opener! You sounded and looked exactly like I act out in my head on a daily basis, down to gestures, facial expressions, language and voice, while going stiff on the outside. I haven't been at home in myself for 50 years now, and what absolutely baffles me is how bloo'y obvious it is in hindsight, that 99% of my problems come from an entirely unresponsive and demanding environment that left me entirely confused about who I am until now. Thank You so much for your wisdom, compassion and courage to share this as an instructional video for someone like me who, struggles with allowing himself to believe what I, on some level, already knew for a long time and did not dare to explore!

@Respectable_Username Месяц назад

These sound more like general autistic triggers rather than specifically demand avoidance. Demand avoidance triggers are related to a loss of control. So the classic being asked to do something you were already planning on doing immediately removes all motivation for doing that thing. But also, somebody sending me an DM out of the blue to start a conversation, putting a "demand" on my time to interact with them which doesn't exist in group conversations. Making a booking at a restaurant now locking me into going to that particular place at that particular time, regardless of what I feel in the moment. Having a task as a core requirement of my job as opposed to something I choose to do to help out a colleague in the moment. Having a schedule/timetable, full stop, even one I created myself. _These_ are the demand avoidance triggers, at least the ones I experience. A noisy office isn't a _demand_ . That's sensory sensitivity. Demand avoidance is a response to imposition on your perceived freedoms, even an imposition you set yourself. Many PDAers like myself can look quite different to the stereotypical autistic presentation because of our dislike of _imposed_ structure, and can therefore be more easily missed. And of course general stress levels can contribute to how well we respond to demand triggers, so being triggered by other things will make it harder to control your reactions when triggered by a demand, but a demand trigger is something which, almost definitionally, can't be controlled as it the trigger is itself a _loss_ of control!

@ranc1977 29 дней назад

I knew something is off here in this vid presentation, but I couldn't put it into words. Thank you!

@jocarr1791 Месяц назад

Now, this was a great video. I was hesitant due to the length of the video, but it was well worth it, and it was what I needed to hear. Thank you.

@amandamandamands Месяц назад

I use the calendar on my phone, if it is a physical one I forget to look at it (never remembered to open my homework diary after school either). The way that mine is set up it has a widget on the home screen where the first 2 items are visible (it also shows any regional public holiday so sometimes it is things that aren't relevant) and I can scroll and see the next 2 weeks.

@roxanes43 Месяц назад

I loved the astronaut analogy! And yes paper reminders in a central location saves me by helping my brain transition. I do still use a few phone alerts, like when I absolutely must start transitioning to bedtime routine. Thanks for another well thought out and helpful video!

@odiechan Месяц назад

Having worked at a doctor’s office I can tell you the receptionists don’t like charging the cancellation fee, but it is there to make our jobs easier. If someone cancels (or moves their appointment) with less than 24hr notice we then have to start calling everyone to see if we can fill that spot. That said, often for unforeseen circumstances like a child being sick or a hospitalization, they can often waive the cancellation fee. If you ask to speak to the office manager they can sometimes waive the fee for you.

@weddingmom2000 12 дней назад

Time 22:50 you were speaking about the difference of childhood to adulthood regarding managing life stresses & demands. You said something like, 'childhood demands did not exceed our capacity to meet them'. I thoroughly, completely, totally appreciate your channel, perspective, info, help, care, etc. I hear this as it applies to the general population of Autistic children and Autistic adults. So, allow me to pop in a specific, personal comment which does not negate your truth. From birth as a 2nd born of 4, I was not wanted. It was stated frequently and demonstrated several times a day. By 15 years old I was running the household as the 'mom' to my siblings and 'wife' to my mother after our father chose to leave us. His departure was organized to intentionally place the 5 of us under the poverty level where we remained until I was 20 years old. I managed meal planning, A 'knife & fork" dinner better be ready for her to eat so she could get to work on time. I managed siblings' chores, homework, baths & bedtimes. I stayed up til 3 am waiting for her to come in for the night. etc., etc., etc. I managed college financial aid applications, college applications & every single stress & logistics of attending college away from home. I grew up to marry & have 4 children of my own. All of whom have children of their own. There have been tragedies and triumphs in my adult life. Each with their own load of stress. Some worse & some less than the 1st 20 years. Overall - my childhood - was equally or more stressful than my adulthood. In comparison, the load for a child, teen, young adult was truly the limit of my capacity. But, I can see how it extended my capacity so that I have the skills & therefore endurance for what came.

@josephc5493 Месяц назад

Gotta tell you, this is your best video IMO. These are really helpful tips and I appreciate you putting them all together like this. I struggle with damn near all of these but particularly in being kind to myself. Seems like that should almost be #1 in many ways. Well done.

@mrspeabody615 Месяц назад

This viedeo is so amazing! I can relate to so much of the strategies, though, i had to figure them out by myself over the course of years stumbling into adult life... For example this year i got a wall calender and my life is changed. I had multiple digital ones and tried many methods of getting in touch with and remembering plans that i mostly made myself. My brain developed a coping mechanism of panic bubbling up at random times quite frequently to make me go look if i had forgotten anything coming up. Now i can live so much calmer just glancing at the calender every now and then and visually see how the week or even month will play out and comfortably prepare my brain and adjust to it. Also just not going to social gatherings... part of becoming an adult for me was accepting that i just can't catch up with all the social demands. Some of my family might see me as that one girl that almost never shows up. But i came to a point where i am fine with it. I just AM that girl that never shows up, and thats okay, that doesnt make me a bad person or a failure.

@colemangoughary 21 день назад

Your content is always tops, pls continue doing this forever~~ My partner is autistic and this channel has been invaluable so many times over. Bless you 💜💜

@staceypleasants Месяц назад

Hahahaha "I'm not going to eliminate my children" hahahaha my first thought had been "I can't actually eliminate my husband ...right?"

@pokemonsonicgirl123 Месяц назад

What are you saying?

@objectivityisourfriend9631 Месяц назад

Thank you for this video. Unexpected work changes led to me often saying, "No." Even a famous powerful Hollywood person I worked for. I just turned the chat on snooze because - sorry. I'm not going to rearrange my life just because you procrastinated on your shit. Fire me if you want - they never do, because it's extremely expensive to replace someone. Unless of course you're Elon Musk, but now we're pitting Aspie against Aspie and he's gonna push back on the pushback, lmfao. I intentionally don't have a pet to avoid unforeseen expenses, and I don't want to own a home for this reason. Stuff breaks - that's $40K out of nowhere. But I need to deal with PDA; at 45 if I don't start flossing my teeth every day they may fall out of my head, and also I need to exercise daily to ward off osteoporosis. That's the one other unexpected expense in the US - teeth issues. Insurance doesn't cover it. I do take my car in for oil changes now. Had to destroy a car first. Also _ I refuse to clap in tandem with people at concerts.

@sourgreendolly7685 Месяц назад

I'm not at the point of having work to change because of what I suspect is PDA but the older I get, the more debilitating each unexpected life event is. I'm 35 and can't support myself, my family can't help me for much longer. Just using oral hygiene as an example: I had 4 out my 5 root canals before I was 30 and I haven't had any hard enamel on my teeth since I was a teenager. I require prescription sensitivity toothpaste or room temperature water hurts. Ironically, this has greatly improved my oral hygiene but it's still a struggle when everything else is going to hell. I also need to work out - stairs wind me and everything hurts. Being out of shape makes it all worse. I want so badly to find a healthy baseline that I can get back to when things get messy but it's all so overwhelming. Kinda just rambling now but yeah. It sucks. It is nice to know I'm not alone but I gotta figure something out here.

@objectivityisourfriend9631 Месяц назад

@@sourgreendolly7685 Thank you for sharing. I relate to what you're experiencing and I think it's good to know we're not alone. Many of us also have ADHD and that really doesn't help with executive function. I recall a dentist scoffing at me when giving me four fillings and fixing an infection in my mouth when I was 25 because of poor oral healthcare. I've thought of trying to start a platform or something catered to ASD/ADHD physical wellness, especially since I'm a former chef - hacks for eating healthy at home, shopping, exercise, because I deal with this inertia that keeps me sedentary and now I've got bone and joint problems as a result! Without physical health, our mental health definitely suffers, and I don't think the former is emphasized enough!

@jojozepofthejungle2655 27 дней назад

the phone call to reschedule is my life with people period.

@lilflowerbud 5 дней назад

Thank you. This was really informative, and I had many. "Aha! Lightbulb!" Moments during this video.

@sophie13.wright10 29 дней назад

Thank you, this was so eye opening. I have a new understanding and feel way more empowered than I used to be.

@chrysamere7277 Месяц назад

I went through workplace bullying most of my life. I just thought i was a genuine asshole and not likeable. Now at 51 and realize i was undiagnised autistic/ adhd Its shocking now when i think of how then, that was allowed and not addressed..theres no way now i could see it happening to me again..id totally lose my shit and lose my shit..lol Im learning with your videos..its hard and scary..cause i see my relationships differently now..especially my bf of 9 years..i dont think he quit gets it..and i send him info to learn. I feel like i shud just be alone..its too much pressure.

@mazzmuse Месяц назад

This is one of my absolute favorite vids of yours. Hilarious, but also SO very helpful. Thank you! I'll be coming back to take notes (prob not, but I should) - I can see the tools here being game changers for me. Favorite moment: telling us it is unacceptable not to know what our triggers are. Hard truth, but EXACTLY RIGHT! Amen, brother. Thanks again.

@tims9434 Месяц назад

Thanks Orion for coving this subject. Its definitely an area I need to work on right now to build on like you say.

@gadeyeye6268 Месяц назад

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾💪🏾🙏🏾👍🏾 great video Orion. I appreciate your honesty and transparency.

@Franimus Месяц назад

Thanks for this video! I think coming up with a daily schedule will help me the most, it's also what my new counselor recommended.

@parmdeepjagdev8395 Месяц назад

Thank you for this ❤🙏 I struggle with this on a daily basis. This video really spoke to me

@Trinesmb 17 дней назад

This is so spot on, clear and validating. Thank you so much!!!

@Franimus Месяц назад

That bit about cancelation fees is crazy - in America here rescheduling to a later date and then calling back the next day to cancel is a very popular way to avoid the last-minute cancellation fee. I've never seen a fee here for last-minute rescheduling!

@nancyziegler5724 Месяц назад

This was a helpful video! thank you, a real eye opener. i can relate to most everything covered. its a very difficult world out there for us, needless to say. That cancellation fee BS is a scam, ha, i hate that. some things just can not be controlled.

@kawag6356 27 дней назад

Thank you! I am having a really hard time with this right now. Much needed ❤

@SPyoutube42069 20 дней назад

this is a fantastic video, so much reasonable and actionable information packed in here, very well distilled. thank you

@casperssleepsalot1417 26 дней назад

Yes very hard to live n always pushed n in the end ,suffer n than enjoy . It’s like being on a one way highway without an exit .

@pikmin4743 Месяц назад

great timing. thank you, mate

@kalonakitu 18 дней назад

Thank you so much for this video 💜

@CircaBEFORE 13 дней назад

Demand Avoidance shapes my life, always has.

@ken-dog 9 дней назад

The mittens thing is for real. In winter survival training you have to do complex tasks with mittens on, two types, outer for waterproofing and inner for warmth, and it's a nightmare. But you eventually get serviceable at it.

@paolinabd3567 Месяц назад

So good ❤️ Thank you!

@ernestinegrace4593 Месяц назад

Very well said Orion 👍

@Hellenen Месяц назад

Thanks you for your Videos .i'm struggeling at the Moment and i have to remind myself to take better care of myself

@rainerwahnsinn3265 Месяц назад

Haven't watched the video yet. I hope it is going to help me. I feel like Demand avoidance is ruining my life.

@carolinefiorentini3233 Месяц назад

Really liked the spacewalk comparison !

@MarciaB12 Месяц назад

Yes DO YOUR WORK AND GO HOME. What is so hard about that.

@sarahleony Месяц назад

Really good video! Got my thinkies going

@jenniferrydquistmoultrie8503 Месяц назад

Thank you so much!👏

@AngDevigne Месяц назад

Thank you! 🙏

@SunnySunshineField Месяц назад

Yes to all of this!❤

@qlue7881 Месяц назад

The beach is a sensory nightmare for me I cannot stand being out in the sun I need a canopy of leaves overhead to be outside

@meowhisd4546 Месяц назад

I needed this today

@LunarFrequenciesHD 14 часов назад

Nailed it 🎉🙏🙌

@flashingturtle6505 Месяц назад

Advocating for yourself = 'what is it now'

@BeeWhistler Месяц назад

Nah, man, the digital alerts are essential. I calendar events and select alert times based on how I usually respond to the alerts in question. The daily ones aren’t the best because I don’t do them when the alert goes off, but just having them reminds me that I do, in fact, need daily medication. Appointments are either a weekor a day ahead depending on how far away they are, and second alert is day of, in time to prepare in case I forget again. Because I set them, I am less likely to be irritated at the reminder. Morning alarms are also essential, if only because my husband used to wake me up for things and it has proven futile to try and explain the terrible rage I instinctively feel at being SHAKEN awake. I don’t yell or hit or act badly but it makes me so freaking angry for someone to aggressively shake my shoulder to wake me. In what world would anyone think that’s a nice way to wake up? But he just can’t grasp it. To his ADHD brain, I need to wake up now so I will be awakened in the most swift manner… a good shoulder shake. Ye gods. I’ll never understand why so many people think the best way to get a message across is to just start handling you.

@katzenbekloppt2412 Месяц назад

uff, that was a lot of information. good one, but a lot. I think I have to go back on this some other times. And we talked about You and the book in a german YT-livestream yesterday, Orion. Believe it or not, there was one guy who didn´t know You 😅

@MarciaB12 Месяц назад

I get no time for anything. My spouse is my biggest trigger. I dont spend time with him at all. But i get nothing done either. Basic stuff. I would like to live Down the street. ALONE. He will never ever get it, ever.

@turtleanton6539 Месяц назад

Ooof

@rustyscrapper Месяц назад

You should leave him so he can find another partner. If the genders were reversed and you were a man no woman would want you and definately not support you. This sounds extremely selfish.

@CoachDonnaMarie 9 дней назад

I am in a situation where I was in therapy before being diagnosed and now want to find a new therapist that understands neurodiversity. In the meantime, I have tried to figure out how to explain all of this to old therapist… but it’s exhausting and time consuming. I really need a new therapist that gets me better.

@CreativeAutistic 26 дней назад

Crikey, so much to relate to here!

@michaelmacpherson-wm6mh Месяц назад

I'm going to get to work on the things I need to get done today as soon as I watch this video.. maybe a few more videos, then definitely getting to work.

@RobAnthonyDire Месяц назад

Workplace politics are RIDICULOUS!!!

@lonelydronerfl5184 Месяц назад

How about constructive assertiveness? Like being better at speaking up in a constructive way when there is an opportunity to make a positive difference. I have the diplomacy skills, but they often force me to clam up.

@sharonaumani8827 29 дней назад

Totally relate to the issues with a digital calendar. Now I have to keep up with both (sigh)!

@brittanydaniels1102 Месяц назад

Not all autistic people are visual learners. Some autistic people need auditory (spoken) supports.

@King_Shoto 7 дней назад

I'll save this to watch later.

@arcanabunny Месяц назад

I'm not even finished watching this, I'm about 8 minutes in and I've never been more seen. Who knew my inability to go into work every morning was just demand avoidance.

@RainbowPyramid Месяц назад

I just tell them I have COVID if I have to rebook my appointments. Sad but true. I can't have that cancellation conversation one more time without exploding!!

@nyasmith-assis5168 Месяц назад

I don’t feel judgy at all. So helpful

@alejandro-314 Месяц назад

As a teenager, I stopped wearing my watch because it triggered anxiety. I felt that my watch was demanding me to "seize the day" "don't be such a failure, so lazy" "other kids are in extracurricular activities and you expend your afternoon doing nothing"

@mindonthespirit1543 Месяц назад

I completely relate to the canceling fee issue (well to all of them but...) I would be the one to say, "Okay well, just to warn you my child is sick so make sure there is proper sanitizer, masks, etc." All with a smile. 😂

@resourcedragon Месяц назад

Oh, the assessments and evaluations and KPIs! I am nervous every time they come around. At the moment, I am also supposed to be doing some training on the new system they are introducing. I'm really feeling the demand avoidance with that. For one thing, my bullshit meter is going off and for another, it's still all about a process that I am not comfortable with. And, for those who are wondering, over the years I've had assessments that say I'm everything from crap through to astonishingly good. But I managed to get into trouble over the one that said I was astonishingly good, anyway! There was some paperwork that I should have been given but which I wasn't and which got lost over the Christmas break and so I think the person who had decided I was crap thought I had somehow found a way to log into the system as someone else and give myself the high rating or something.