Trans r/AITA Posts That Broke My Mind 

If your family is bigoted against your daughter you ghost your family not your daughter.

People: *intentionally hurt children, teenagers or young adults* The affected person: *is sad* People: "How dare you be hurt?!?"

"I don't see my daughter as often as i'd like" - proceeds to plan and schedule everything as such so his daughter is out of the picture as much as possible and is then astounded that his daughter correctly assesses herself as his lowest priority and doesn't want to deal with his shit anymore. What a prick.

Dude, if your bros are really your bros, they're not gonna be like "no, you have to blow off your own child to hang out with us!", they're gonna be like "lets throw your kid a christmas party!"

"Mentally unstable" was my moms favorite claim. You try going thru puberty as a trans child and not be unstable, in an abusive home.

Last one is DEFINITELY the asshole. Also geez why would they marry someone transphobic if they really care about the sister? Not buying that. It says fake supportive.

I had just started presenting as a woman a few months before my sister's wedding, but I hadn't been out to my extended family yet. My mother begged me to go as my pre-transition self because we both thought some people in the family would be transphobic. I agreed because this wedding was for my sister, and I didn't want a controversy over me to take up time, energy, and space meant for her. I didn't like having to do it, but it wasn't the biggest deal in the grand scheme because it would be the last time I ever had to do that, ever. This was about 5 years ago now. Last week, my sister suddenly texted me out of nowhere about how she misses me (we live in different states) and harbors a deep regret for the wedding, not only because she already divorced the guy and it was expensive, but also very specifically because she really wanted me to be my best self at her wedding and she knew I wasn't able to because of her. I cried. It wasn't a huge deal to me and the frustration and pain from doing that evaporated quickly after it was done, but she held onto it because she truly, truly cares for me. I told her it was time to let go of it. I love her so much. As a bonus, though, both sides of my family have since come around, some quicker than others. My uncle was the last person to be openly transphobic and refuse to use my name and pronouns, but a few Christmases ago, I did art for everyone in the family, and I treated him no differently. I did an illustration of his dog he cares so much about, with a cool custom picture frame to boot. Apparently it meant a lot to him because he hesitated a little before he finally called me by my name and gave me a big hug. He still struggles with the pronouns, but the fact he consciously tries to get it right is enough for me. I had every right to be upset with his attitude, but that's just not who I am. I think once people see me as the genuine person I am, the trans thing isn't all that hard to accept. "Kill them with kindness", or so they say. Lol [Edit one month later] Speaking of my sister and Christmas, y'all, she got me a freaking PS5 for my gift this year... ;o; I don't even know what to do...!!!

Outing the cousin: Here's the thing. I can believe that OP outed his cousin by genuine accident, believing the friend already knew. Honest mistake. But, when you make a mistake that accidentally harms someone, you apologize. That's just manners. You didn't mean to wrong them, but you did anyway, oops, I'm sorry. OP didn't do that, and in my book that's where he became the AH. He doubled down and blamed the cousin rather than just saying "oops, my bad, sorry about that."

2nd Poster: lists all the things he puts above his daughter, including his bros and the homophobic family who are actively cruel to her Also 2nd poster: acts surprised when she feels like the lowest priority in his life

The cake one pisses me off because it's one thing for an elderly relative with dementia to call you the wrong name because...dementia. But the AUNT could have remedied this and simply reminded grandma about the name. And also, something tells me the AUNT lettered it herself.

I've been out for seven years to my family yet I'm still actively misgendered. I'm literally ok with they/them or he/him. Even said they can use my current name Moose or an old Nickname from a past name, Elly. Any day id prefer to have someone use my name than she/her. I've given them too many options. Using a name is okay in place of pronouns. It hurts less for me personally

Honestly the bride is getting given way too much grace here. Family absolutely sucks, fiancé also sucks. HOWEVER, the moment you knew your fiancé was transphobic and you had no qualms with going ahead with the relationship, you were already TA. Then your parents? Siding with the very obviously cartoon villains of the day - then a z O O M CALL?? Not even in person? Idk man even if you’re not close to her, none of your decisions make you sound like a particularly principled person. She’s not evil, but she certainly is TA to her sister.

when my niece got married she invited everyone but excluded me because i am trans. We haven't spoken in 20 years. She has had plenty of time to make amends but just chose not to. I been separated from 95% of my family for 30 years because i am trans. I just have my sister and 2 brothers. One of them is super entitled. It really sucks. My parents were both good but my father died when in my ealry transition and my mum died in 2014. This feel of rejection I will take to the grave. You cant choose your family. Oh and congrats

i'm trans ftm at the beginning of transition who has a grandma with dementia and oh let me tell you it is HARD. I love her, she's my granny but I 100% know that she won't be able to call me by my chosen name for the (hopefully long) rest of her life. Visiting her at the retirement home is so so difficult and bittersweet for me because I WILL be dead named and have to suck it up for that half hour I try to make simple conversation with her. To all those who have to go through similar stuff: You got this. Big virtual hugs to you all.

All I can really think about is the nightmare of marrying a transphobe. I think what she may wind up looking at about that day is what a huge red flag that was, and how she let her parents control her and got into an even bigger mess. I mean, my god, a REPLACEMENT son? These people's love is so conditional that they'll just up and replace their own flesh and blood? That whole situation sounds unsafe, not just for a trans woman but kind of anyone they'll inevitably disagree with.

how does she still want to marry a guy who's so disrespectful to her sister, major major red flag.

My daughter came out as trans. Any of my extended family that doesn't except that can piss off. My kids come first, I love and support them as they are and as they want to be.

A sister not getting invited to the wedding is a life-altering decision that will haunt OP for a long time. Not having extravagant flowers or what-have-you is a blip on the radar, and won't matter for much in the long-term. But your sister not coming to your wedding is top tier telling her that she doesn't matter to you. Also that aunt with the birthday cake is sus. Letting someone with dementia bake AND decorate a cake and never once saying anything about a mistake like the wrong name and blaming it on the grandma is such BS. It's beyond cruel to OP's daughter to tell her that she needs to be "grateful" but also fully blaming the grandma when she needs help is fucked up.

I love how every AITA story is someone being like “AITA for being born?” And then goes on to talk about them stabbing their mother for getting the wrong color gift for their birthday 😂

my grandmother has dementia and still makes a really good effort to remember my name change, and her carer (my grandad) will remind her when necessary. the first story is totally a case of the grandma not knowing and the aunt maliciously letting her do it because nobody will get mad at an old woman with dementia. shes using that poor old woman as a shield.

my thoughts on them 1: dad of the year, not the asshole. if the cake really needed to say anything, it could have just been left at 'happy birthday' or 'happy 17th birthday' and the grandma with dementia doing everything is incredibly suspicious in that the aunt didnt correct her or anything 2: asshole. celebrating the holidays with family should have been her choice and he should have stood up for her to the family members if their transphobia/homophobia is that level of hateful. he also could have changed his plans to center more around her and her safety but he didnt which is why she was right in saying she was low on his priority list 3: not the asshole, still learning. the ally meant well but so did he 4: this is also tricky but if anyones the asshole it is him. he should have asked the cousin first before assuming and being defensive over violence he is responsible for. he and the people his 'friend' blabbed to are definitely in the wrong. 5: asshole. dump the fiance and cut ties with the parents. or at the very least postpone the wedding and talk that out more

I can understand a grandmother with dementia not remembering names. But the Aunt not doing anything is sus. That the aunt calls the girl unstable is telling.

5:28 “Hey grandma! you did so wonderful on the cake, but we have to wipe off and change the name, remember “DEADNAME” goes by Alexis now, and we want to make her happy on her special day!” it’s that easy. ITS THAT EASY.

4:31 I agree on the birthday cake. Aunt had every opportunity to step in and correct the cake. And if grandma has dementia, she could very likely think that the cake is for her "grandson" and used the wrong name with unintentional harm. I think the aunt is either A, not qualified in dementia care and can't figure out a way to amicably explain to grandma that Alexis is who she is, or B, transphobic and not willing. the "unstable" comment has me leaning toward B. Either that or gram is also transphobic, happens to have dementia, and aunt is just going along with it rather than being supportive of her niece. 24:20 I also believe she's the asshole. She's marrying someone who's transphobic, her family is transphobic, and she's willing to shun her sister just to keep them all. And based off the edits where she tries to defend/deflect her choice, I also think she may need to sort out her own moral compass.

For the fourth story… he did out his cousin in front of his friend but that was a mistake and the person who outed him in from of everyone else (including transphobic people) was the friend, not OP, so I don’t necessarily think he is the asshole for that, I believe it was an honest mistake. BUT I do 100% think “it’s really your mistake the internet is forever” was an awful thing to say and I even think that’s when he acted like a real asshole

afterparty zoom call is the shittiest prize in this arcade

The first story makes my heart rejoice. A supportive loving father, fully accepting and loving his daughter (not afraid or embarrassed of her!) I am not transgender, but I am personally disgusted with parents who treat their transgender children like rubbish and can't do even simple little things that would make their child happy. Like what? Is it that hard? I don't think so... Proud of dad from the first post and want to take an example from him, I hope I will be the same cool father in future.

Story 2, but he is being transphobic. He's prioritising transphobic family over her and has a transphobic lover.

for number 4, i feel like its tricky. most people voted not the asshole, but in my opinion you never talk about someone's personal stuff like that without speaking with them first. whether you "THOUGHT" everyone knew or not doesn't matter. you always ask.

my brother is trans and one of the funniest but cutest moments was our very religious grandparents on my dad's side wrote my brother a birthday card and got his name wrong lol they put austin instead of ashton but the fact they were trying was just so sweet

The last one is a sad story. The sister cares more about her access to money and comfort than being her sister’s sister. Fuckin sad.

I am so glad my parents chose a gender neutral name for me (Casey). I can't imagine how painful it is to be deadnamed, on top of being misgendered. I have a grandma that hasn't got any signs of dementia, but will magically seem to "forget" that I am a trans woman (this is the only thing she forgets, apparently!) and will constantly misgender me in front of my parents, friends, and family. I'm glad she doesn't also have a deadname to use at her disposal.

Story 3, as a trans guy myself, someone using my name instead of my pronouns is much better than being misgendered. And even better, it’s not a “I’ll just use you’re name because I don’t like your pronouns” thing, he’s actively trying to get better I understand why Janet would think the way she did, especially if she isn’t trans herself, and I hope Bob comes back and corrects her

for the cousin one, I would say he’s the AH. he didn’t even apologize about outing his cousin, he just immediately got defensive.

Regarding the last post that you read, I think that OP has bigger issues than the situation with their sister. The fact that the parents Have just dropped this person from their lives and the fiance is willing to throw her under the bus just to get something from the parents, means that they're going to be a lot of problems for this person going forward anytime they do something that the parents or the fiance don't agree with.

I've got a trans friend who told me to use their deadname and the wrong pronouns when meeting their parents and I had no confidence in my ability to do that so I just avoided referring to them by name and used gender neutral pronouns when meeting their parents and left as quickly as I could find a decent excuse to so I had no chance of messing that up.

2nd story: I’m tired of parents assuming their adolescents are both, defective adults and irrationally sensitive…and I’m really tired of parents centering themselves and their feelings in relation to their child’s emotions and reactions…and then simply, not listening. The first response was spot on. She TOLD YOUEXACTLY HOW SHE FELT…LOOK AROUND, DUDE. Or just reread your damn post. SMFH…he’s got a kid that communicates in plain English, completely transparent. That’s not a given. 🙄 LISTEN TO YOUR 100% REAL HUMAN KIDS! And stop centering yourselves. They are not beholden to you, my gawd.

Regarding the Christmas father, he needs to prove that she is more important than at least his high school buddies. Frankly, if my family were dicks to my child, I wouldn't go to my family's party myself.

I loved the way you explained the whole name instead of pronouns thing It’s context specific, and if you plan to work the correct pronouns in eventually around folks the person is comfortable being out to, that’s ideal. There’s a middle ground between actively malicious and lily white intentions where people don’t think they’re transphobic and continually try to manipulate the trans person into reassuring them it’s fine not to make an effort, and there’s a lot of pressure to be agreeable on trans people. This person seems to be coming at it from a compassionate place of strategy, and hopefully not skirting responsibility

as a trans woman i really thought i was out here crying too much and being too sensitive about being in unsafe spaces (esp family members) but lol I guess it's pretty common to just cry and leave lmao

That last story... wow... That is not only "asshole" tier... That is "I'm never speaking to you again; you betrayed me; I have no family" tier. I'm already on "never speaking to you again" terms with my own brother, and let's just say that my coming out as trans *is* related to that. He was so awful to me. But he never promised to have my back before sticking a knife in it the way OP did. That's just... despicable. And then her edit reaction?! That reaction basically translates to, "okay, well, y'know, I didn't actually come here for honest analysis. I came here to have everyone tell me I was right in this. I know I'm right in this, and you're all wrong, and f*** you for not vindicating me." Honestly, someone who would perform such mental gymnastics... She's SO selfish! I don't think she ever meant it when she promised to have her sister's back to begin with. Really, she's just as bad as the rest of the family. She may not be transphobic, but she's perfectly willing to throw an innocent and oppressed family member under the bus just for monetary gain, and then she's SHOCKED when people say that that's not cool? Yeah. Horrible person. Sociopathic narcissist. Absolutely egregious.

Am I understanding correctly, about the father who doesn’t want to take his daughter to Christmas? She is willing to go, but he’s concerned about the bigotry of everyone else, and instead of saying, “you know, let’s have Christmas without bigots.” He’s instead saying, “I’m gonna go have Christmas with multiple groups of bigots, and since they don’t approve of you, I’ll hang out with you another time.” That seems to be the message I am getting. Shoot, I’m shunned by most of my family, plus they don’t celebrate Christmas anyway (Jehovah’s Witness). I wish I could have Christmas with this kid, and show her how valuable she is. But nothing, and nobody, can make up for a parent’s rejection. Yup, that dad is the a-hole. And how the eff is he engaged to someone who doesn’t accept his kid???? She deserves better.

Christmas dad is one of those with-allies-like-these people who won't take a stand for his own daughter. Useless parent.

No. 5: I doubt she'll be married to that dude for long. Eventually she'll write a book about "finding her voice" where her wedding debacle will be the opening chapter.

I disagree with the community on the one where the dude outed his cousin. You never out someone without permission or at least asking where the boundaries are. Never. He's the asshole.

3: It's funny because, as a fellow trans woman (mtf) it took me at least a year to get my own pronouns correct. I would still know I'm a woman but I would always refer to myself using he/him pronouns simply out of habit. I also have other trans friends who deal(t) with the same situation. Even to this day, years after we started transitioning, we still use our old pronouns on accident ALL THE TIME!!! But nobody cares because we all know that we love each other and would never purposefully do something like that. So yeah, pronouns take FOREVER to get fully used to, I know from experience!

That first one hit me hard. My grandma had dementia and my grandpa and I were her primary caregivers so we would often help out where we could. Even at her worst mentally, my grandma still remembered to correct herself on my pronouns while my parents still misgendered me and I couldn't be more happy that she was able to remember stuff like that. Unfortunately, the newer memories tend to go first so, in this situation, the only person at fault I see is the aunt.

For people that I've been worried about misgendering, I just put aside some time to talk/think to myself about them deliberately using their correct name and pronouns while picturing them. Like "Bob is my co-worker. He works in the office with me. He sends me reports on a Tuesday. He goes to drinks with us on Friday" It really helps, as well as making sure I call myself out when I'm thinking about them too "oh I have to ask Bob about her holiday - no, **his** holiday" It sounds like OP #3 is trying their best though, I hope Bob understands and wish them both luck!

The last girl has never heard “sisters before misters” if you make a promise to a sister u gotta go through with it.

Thay last one is so sad. If someone makes an ultimatum to control you, then it's their decision whether or not to come. Never give in to an ultimatum.

That first one, the dad is amazing. I get warm fuzzies around him. This is great. Im currently ghosting my family. I really dont want to be humiliated cos I now have facial hair.

congratulations on your wedding! I hope you two had a great day!

In regards to Bob's coworker, they're doing the best they can to not be an asshole and that's very heartwarming. And even as a trans guy myself I really feel the just Not Using Pronouns, I recently realized that due to my unaccepting environment and most of my friends being trans, I've basically changed my whole way of speaking to avoid pronouns and names in general,, but I suck at remembering names to begin with so it kind of works in my favor

EASY solution for the last one. Say yes to parents and then just invite her anyway (under an alias if needed). OR don’t invite her but invite a friend who promises to take her as their plus one. Say “oh I can’t control who is a plus one at my wedding, whoopsie! I guess you both get to attend :)” and if they leave, you still get big wedding and plausible deniability for “not knowing that would happen” Also, just invite her. Her parents aren’t going to know who the fuck she is. They went no contact!

The one about the christmas dad, feels real. He is honestly navigating his dymics and in his best intention, he accidently hurt his kid and does not know the what/where/how of the negative impacts of his actions. I hope he can take a class or seek a therapist, or a trauma informed life coach. Even though the dynamic is hard to be exact with and grasp, I aooreciate his desire to learn and his openess to love his kid. And omfg his daughter has guts for TRYING and for reaching out and for getting to a point in her life where she is brave and is confident and empowered and grown-up to where she can determine her boundaries with phobic family. It's hard and an exhausting journey.

On the first post, I think the sister set the whole thing up.... She is the one who suggested the party, she brings out the cake herself and pretty sure she already saw it for a long period of time and realizes the name in the cake is wrong, after all the grandma is diagnosed with dementia and she's the care taker🤣🤣🤣.. BUT then she left the error and presented the cake with the dead name in it and now blaming the daughter for being ungrateful🤔🤔🤔

3:00 ok, number 1: dad of the year. number 2: im just imagining how these guys would be more apologetic if the kid was cis but the cake was a wrong random name.

I am honestly concerned for the last person, more than anything. Like they had so little input in their life? Literally everyone had a say in what she does for her wedding except her? This should be a wak-eup call. Today it's no wedding invitation tomorrow you cant leave the house.

1) It's not that hard to redo the name IF* she was using actual frosting made for piping, which I'm assuming she was. You can just gently scrape it off, put it back in the piping bag, and write the correct name. Even if she was using regular store tub icing, just having the name smeared out crappily and rewritten would be fine. The aunt presumably had plenty of opportunity to compassionately remind grandma that she goes by a different name now, so would already be the ahole even without doubling down and insulting the kid. 2) if you have a trans kid, and you have a transphobic fiancée, why do you still have a fiancée? It's clear that his daughter IS the lowest priority in his life. Personally I wouldn't let someone who "struggles to be accepting" of anything as benign as transness into my life, especially if I couldn't guarantee they wouldn't be rude on purpose to somebody I care about. How can you trust that person not to be weirdly judgemental of everything else too? An out of touch ahole. 3) not the ahole. Actually significantly more considerate than many supportive people in my life. I live in a conservative area, yet it never seems to occur to most of them that outing me could be dangerous for me until I tell them that. I'm curious about what industry it is tho ngl 4) this is tricky. Several cans of worms here. Don't really wanna open any of them. I'm just gonna say that op is an ahole for doubling down/seemingly not understanding how bad transphobic harassment is ESPECIALLY from people who you actually know or are near you. 5) I'll never understand these people who'd bend the knee...to have a big fancy wedding? I'll literally do everything myself and poorly before I have MY wedding being dictated to me by control freak bigots. Again, transphobic fiancé. Ahole.

Re that last one. My sister got married and disinvited me from her wedding so she could have mother (who abused the lot of us through our childhood) be there instead. All she did was show me who she valued more. We haven't spoken in close to a decade, because, much like the OP, my sister was the arsehole.

If it was an innocent mistake by her grandmother, why did the aunt not warn the parent before the cake came out? You can't blame her for feeling upset.

That second guy is in denial. "My daughter says I'm her lowest priority just because I put her after my homophobic and transphobic family, my fiancé's transphobic families, my friends from high school... She's so sensitive!" well, she IS your lowest priority, dude, she's right about that, and right to be upset about it.

I feel like the one who outed the cousin is definitely the arsehole... No matter what information is "public", it doesn't give anyone the right to talk about other people's business like that. That's only up to the cousin to tell people or not or to just let people see his social media on their own. It's like saying that because I was out at work when I started that it's fine for all my older colleagues to tell newer colleagues who don't know. I can see how it could be an honest mistake since the guy really wasn't thinking before he spoke but I also feel like he shouldn't have argued with his cousin about it and should have just listened to him and accepted that he was upset about it and made amends. It's one thing to make a lapse of judgement but it's totally another on how you go about rectifying that. Even further, for them to not be on speaking terms because of it is even worse. His cousin may need some time but he definitely needs to reach out and apologise, no excuses, and learn from his mistake when the time's right.

The cake one hits close to home. I received a book about how detransition would make my life better from an uncle. It's so hard to receive this kind of shit in an environment you thought you were safe in. I absolutely stand with the father on that one. He did what is best

The one who's parents wouldn't pay for the wedding or come, if her sister came sounds like she's planning to marry someone who she will regret marrying.

22:19 - 22:30 "That's not a party, that's a f*****g meeting" made me choke on my drink. Can't stop laughing. So accurate.

I’m a trans man and my late great grandma had dementia. She never recognized me but sometimes in the earlier stages she would ask where [deadname] was or where my mom’s daughter was, and it hurt a whole lot to hear- but the worst part was that I couldn’t even blame her for it at all. I used to be a pretty angry kid and I wanted to have someone to direct my emotions towards, but I couldn’t do it towards her because even if she was cold and callous she was still an old woman, and it really wasn’t her fault at all. I can understand what that poor daughter in the first story must’ve been going through- but thankfully enough the OP seemed like a really great dad to comfort her like he did.

So regarding the first story: the grandma was absolutely not at fault. And the timing of when the daughter came out as trans in relation to when the grandmother developed dementia. I was in my 20's when my dad developed dementia. One time when my mom was visiting him at the nursing home, he asked her how "the kids" were. As far as I'm aware, I'm an only child. Fuck dementia. (The aunt absolutely was though for so many reasons...)

The last one was so horrible. I would much rather have a low key wedding if that’s what it costs to have my sibling there. The parents are absolutely vile and if they were mine they would no longer be a part of my life.

Yoooo congrats on getting married dude! Hope you both had a blast!

When your dad lists all the things he finds more of priority than you, and then gets hurt hearing you say that you're a low priority in his life.

“Unstable” trans siblings…I hope there comes a time soon when that’s not the shit we have to hear from abusive family ever again

Story two reminds me of this "if you sit down at a table of 4 bigots, there are 5 bigots at the table."

Congratulations on your marriage! I wish you many years of happiness!

18:57 My stance: *never* out someone, and it’s easier to avoid if you either check in with the trans person - or if you’ve witnessed them mention gender/transition to someone else. Also 19:48 is meme-worthy iconic.

The line " disrespect the family" is very serious and upsetting. It also makes me think we trans have taken up arms against the mafia and are gunna have a big end battle with cinamatic music

"I'd rather have an expensive wedding with my hateful family than a smaller wedding with the sister that is being ostracized by said hateful family". guilty as charged.

omg holy shit congrats on the wedding !!! i had no idea yall were finally tying the knot. sending yall amazing vibes!!! 💖💖💖

Regarding Grandmas with dementia, my GG has Alzheimer's and she used to be pretty damn good about using the right name and pronouns for me (love a geriatric ally!), in the past 3 years or so her brain simply deleted the information that I transitioned. Which btw makes for some genuinely funny mishaps when she refers to me as her granddaughter and I'm standing there with a beard lol. I'm like "ope, grand son actually. Sorry, she's got Alzheimer's." 😅 Anyway, I think it's probably not the grandma's fault here. The aunt is the transphobe.

If your fiancé sides with your transphobic family, maybe it's time for a new fiancé.

2nd story; If the Fiance is struggling to accept the kid's identity...should be an Ex

As far as the wedding, there's a lot of ways to get married and keep the peace despite having assholes in your family. Especially if people are being that overbearing, it's never a good idea to make your wedding all for other people. Wedding planning is stressful even if your don't have a drama filled family, not to mention it's a huge waste of money you can use on your home or honeymoon or bills. My husband and I got married in Vegas at a place called "chapel of the flowers" that did everything for around $4000. We have professional photos and a beautiful wedding video and they live streamed the wedding. This was in 2011, so it wasn't a normal thing back then. We sent "invitations" to the live stream to absolutely anyone who might want to come, even the controversial assholes, then threw a party with the people we actually wanted to see when we got home from our Vegas honeymoon. We rented a warehouse with arcade games and I made all the food... the party was maybe $1000 for everything. We had an absolute blast, everyone was happy they got to "join in" or kept their mouth shut if they didn't like it because there was no preferential treatment to anyone. Point being, i have nothing but happy memories from our because it was exactly what and who we wanted. If we had a big wedding back home, there would've been at least one fist fight , lots of drunk name calling and years of drama afterwards. We were both in grad school then and were too poor and stressed to put up with that crap. No regrets😊

The last 2 basically telling their trans relatives, “I love you, just not in public”… literally doing the bare minimum, then getting pissy when said relative says, “I deserve better”.

Did we not remember that granny has dementia? Granny is not an AH, but everybody else is.

5:15 tbh theres no proof and im not saying i think the sister did it, cuz i dunno, but if the sister did something bad, it even could have been that she wrote the message either to help and wouldnt take credit for it or even on purpose to "correctly guide" (hurt/abuse) the kid. transphobes can be very unhinged with their hate.

I’ve never technically come out to my family… I think about it sometimes but I’m not really hurt by my dad using she her pronouns, and I think my mom talked to him. I just tell them about the medical things I’m going through (starting T soon!) and with my baby siblings I remind them that I’m not a girl. It’s a little hard for them because they are still learning the difference between penis and vagina, and one of them thinks long hair=girl event though none of our family has gender specific hair

Weddings are so strange to me. People act like they need to be big and expensive, but they don't. I'd rather save money with a cheap wedding. I had mine at a park pavilion, no decorations, and cake from a grocery store. I had a friend in highschool who told me her parents said her sisters needed to be bridesmaids or else they wouldn't pay for the wedding. If I were her, I'd tell my parents that I'll pay for it myself because they don't get to make that decision even if that's what I wanted to do anyway. Parents do not get to decide who goes or who does what.

The first story makes me very sad. I have several family members with dementia, and a lot of times they don't even remember my name (I'm not trans, I've never changed my name). Its something that I could see confusing the grandma because she thought she did something really nice and now its alienating her from her granddaughter. All for something that could've been changed before the granddaughter saw it. I hope OP reaches out to the grandmother to talk to her

I wish I had the first dad. Really heartwarming to hear how he stood by his daughter.

Congratulations on your wedding! 🎉

Concerning the grandmother with dementia and the aunt. A challenge with dementia is that not only does the person become forgetful, but their personality also frequently changes; they lose social filters, and as a consequence, sometimes become meaner. Being a caregiver for someone with dementia is often exhausting and all-consuming if the overall support system isn't adequate which it often isn't. It also often means experiencing constant abuse from the person being cared for. I came out as gay late in life for all sorts of reasons. I came out to my Christian fundamentalist sister while my mother was already deep in dementia. There was no point in coming out to my mother at all because the conversation would be gone from her mind the next day. And my mother's filter was very gone. If a grandmother is forgetting that a granddaughter is trans, she's also likely forgetting the social reasons why being trans is OK and very possibly defaulting back to a much older, more deeply ingrained view of these issues that she likely learned when she was young. For the aunt a conversation with her mother about the granddaughter being trans may not be a simple reminder but would require a conversation about issues the grandmother no longer has the faculties to process. The response to such a conversation might be abusive in nature. The result might be the grandmother saying things or exhibiting behavior towards the granddaughter more hurtful than using the wrong name. Sometimes you have to punt and humor the person with dementia over something like this because it's not a battle you can win. Perhaps the mistake was having the grandmother doing the cake in the first place. It's really hard to know how to evaluate this without knowing what the relationship between the trans granddaughter and the grandmother was like in the first place. I would need to know much more about the aunt, the support system she has, how deep into the weeds of being a caregiver she is and her overall relationship with her brother and niece to label her as an asshole.

About the second & last story; if I had a fiancee (unlikely as I'm aro-ace, but in theory) and they wouldn't accept my trans kid - I wouldn't have a fiancee anymore. End of. The fact that "dad" isn't addressing THAT issue is all you need to know.

"Agonstic Jew" probably what's also known as "cultural Jew".

I really like this content format! Obviously I’m biased cause I’m a fan but I’ve not watched you do an AITA and it was really entertaining!

Right away in the first one the sister definitely planned for it, whether grandma meant to or not.

The poor grandma with her dementia tried her best. Probably did not remember they transitioned. Someone should have been there while she made it to make sure she did not use the deadname. Even without dementia it can be hard to call someone something new, especially if you have known them for a long time. I had a teacher in college who I also knew from 8th-12th. I would call her Mrs. Last Name. But in college, everyone called her by her first name. I struggled so much with that and I still find myself saying Mrs. Last Name all the time.

Agnostic Jew is one correct way to say it, dont worry.

With the outing one, I'd say op isn't the asshole for the initial outing. It seems like it was reasonable to assume that the friend already knew. Several of my friends are trans, and topics of outing are always tricky. It can be difficult to know who can and can't know about someone's identity. It's really easy to mess up like that and out someone accidentally. Imo, op becomes the asshole when they got defensive instead of owning up to their mistake.

you have a very calming dad/big brother voice, very nice to listen to

The outing was kind of understandable. It's more common now to be publicity out and it's logical to assume someone isn't closeted if theyre posting about it on Instagram. It's still not good. There is still legit danger in being out and a lot of people learn the hard way they have to be more careful. But I understand the assumptions that got them there. HOWEVER. When faced with the consequences, the right answer was "I'm sorry i got you into this mess. I should have been more careful. What can I do to help?" You can say it was an honest mistake but it was a mistake. Prioritize making amends, not making yourself feel better.