Unfair Punishment In Childhood As A Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style | How to Heal

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In today's video, Thais Gibson discusses unfair punishment in childhood as a fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style). Watch now to learn more about the "I am bad" core wound and how addressing it in a healthy manner can improve your relationship with yourself as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Overcoming Perfectionism Trauma & Fear of Losing Control", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:41 - The Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
00:02:39 - Client Story About “D”
00:05:00 - “I Am Bad” Core Wound
00:06:23 - Symptoms of the “I am bad” Core Wound
00:07:32 - What Happens In Adulthood
00:09:41 - What Can You Do
00:11:31 - Exposure Work
00:12:14 - Cognitive Reframe
00:13:24 - IAT On Demand: Reconditioning Perfectionism Course
00:15:10 - Conclusion
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1 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 50

@kiaral822 26 дней назад

This was so spot on. They condition you to believe you’re the worst person alive when you get in trouble for everything. You also stop caring and almost stop fearing punishment or death because well, if you get in trouble for everything anyway, what’s the point? I think this heavily influenced my BPD and FA style

@laurah2831 25 дней назад

Can you do a video on attachment styles and autism/ADHD? It seems more likely to be insecure but would love more detail about patterns and differences

@prichabenny 26 дней назад

My Dad beat me in a pull of blood while saying I'm going to kill you today, so much so the only reason he sttoped was because he dislocated his arm, he once threw a knife at me on my birthday cause I stood in front of the TV watching my favorite team play a match and also locked me in my room with key thereafter, made me and my elder sister kneel down for 6 hours while beating us intermittently because he was looking for his pen he accused us of stealing, he later found it and never apologized. My Biological Mom died when giving birth to me and as a teenager he'd always say it would have been better if I was never born into this life, this one broke me in pieces over and over again 2 years crying to bed as a teen, went for music rehearsals after school when I came back he Locked me in our empty apartment for 3days with food or water my Stepmom couldn't bear she had to sneak in water and food in on the first and second day on the third day he found out and told her she'd have to choose between him and me. Finally after my last exams in my High school I left the house and rather slept on bear ground on the street than live there with him, today I'm a music producer and well way advanced in my healing Journey. Relationships have been a hell of roller coaster emotions and experiences for me till I learned to look with myself and fix myself been watching alot of videos from Thais and they've really helped me by a long way over the past 6 months my healing journey in general have been on for over a year

@Kalkidan24 25 дней назад

I am so sorry for what you had to go through😢 I also had an abusive father so I get it, am so happy to hear you're on your healing journey and I wish you all the love and peace that comes with healing and freeing your self from your past... Sending you lots of love and light!

@laurafennell9084 25 дней назад

Hugs

@irshikha 25 дней назад

More strength, peace and healing to you.... ✨🌤

@jacobbaradaeus6250 25 дней назад

🙏God keep you.

@gatorssbm 25 дней назад

Really glad youre on a better path now, its just awful living in fear like that to the point where even the other guardian does things in secret but cant exactly help you like you absolutely needed it, really conditions you to just be very hesitant to be reliant on anyone even when theyre not exactly malicious. But yes best of luck coming across this channel really does help process all that pain little by little.

@s.ramirez2148 25 дней назад

the fact that at 27 I’m learning all this and it’s all mind blowing. Being an FA is exhausting :/

@rosemary_of_aragon 25 дней назад

I feel you. I’m 30 and just now learned about having this difficult attachment style. Let’s be happy that we aware now and start the healing process.

@aiaki807 25 дней назад

Its hard to be ok with the uncertainty when you live with your Landlord. When that person has power over you...

@joshliam1967 26 дней назад

Putting all of this into words feels liberating, being aware of the patterns I can start moving away from them. Thank you.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 25 дней назад

Thank you Josh :) We wish you all the best on your healing journey !

@koala01111986 26 дней назад

Number 1 example: that's me...punished for not finishing the food (because I wanted what my brothers were already eating),because I was too loud and talkative, because it was always my fault no matter what the problem was (for example, if the remote control vanished, it was my fault)

@laurafennell9084 25 дней назад

Hugs

@stevensawyer5924 26 дней назад

When I was around 10 years old my step-dad would leave for work around 4am. Before he left he would wake me up and beat my ass telling me, this is for whatever you do wrong today. Ya, and had my lip split from a backhand because I was laughing playing a game with my sister. Can't comment here about the serious stuff.

@laurafennell9084 25 дней назад

Hugs

@laurenparnell2483 25 дней назад

I relate as well, but identify as avoidant not FA. My father wasn’t regularly employed and used to expect me (an only child) to tip toe around the house so he could nap all the time. I would get in big trouble for petting the dog if his collar even jingled. (And many other minor, ludicrous examples of not being able to be a playful, joyful child.) Fortunately, I really don’t think I ever internalized it as “I am bad.” Rather, I took on “I am unsafe, I need to be vigilant (because people are unsafe)” and “I am stuck” as core wounds. It’s sad but it honestly took me until 35 to find my inner child and let her come out to play. I have more fun and freedom now in my 40s than I did as a kid. I’ve healed and deconditioned a lot and have a healthy, thriving relationship of 4 yrs. But I still see these deep wounds playing out in my career- I’ve been deeply unhappy and unfulfilled and wanting to make a big change for over 10 yrs. But I feel stuck/unsafe (despite having healthy savings and unanimously supportive friends and family). It feels so similar to when I was a kid and I knew the situation was unhealthy but the only alternative I had back then was running away from home. I knew how dangerous that was, so tolerating the situation was the better/safer situation, even though it hurt my spirit. I think psychologically I feel the same way about my job- I want to run away, but I’m afraid I will be in a worse situation if I make a move so I’m kind of paralyzed into staying stuck, tolerating the familiar “safety.” I would love to see more videos from Thais on reprogramming vigilance and safety wounds.

@spacegirl226 25 дней назад

THIS! Around 11:09. When Thais said that D's stepfather would AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THE WORST OF HIM. Ohhhhhh. OOOOHHHHHHHH. THAT. That is one of my biggest triggers now is when people (toxic people) attribute malice to me where there is no malice FROM ME. I hate that so much. It's been one of the hardest things for me to heal because my father does this crap to me all the time, and it leaves me confused because I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I recently ended a long term, multi-decade friendship because my friend blew a gasket when her mask slipped and I pointed it out and set boundaries. Instead of these people coming to talk to me to clarify the situation, they just assume I'm being bad or mean or doing something to hurt THEM. What about me and my hurt? Oh wait. I can't feel hurt from people who are magically delusionally incapable of hurting others. Silly me. I try to be a thoughtful and kind person, and I think for the most part I am. It's who I want to be, so I try to be. This is nothing but projection from my parents who think that I'm being nasty when there's no evidence of me being nasty. Growing up I was too terrified to step out of line because I'd get screamed at for that on top of the regular, daily doses of my mother's unstoppable anger. I HAD to be good and compliant. But I won't be a doormat anymore, and that's the part that the toxic people can't stand because I talk back and assert myself. I'm done having badness thrown at me from people who project their own insecurities and who, yeah, started it. I'm working on sitting on the uncertainty. I AM INNOCENT. Having to reframe 40 years of trauma and guilt and shame is really, really difficult. But I'm doing it because I don't want to live in this misery anymore. I'm tired of not mattering. I'm tired of not being loved by anyone. I matter to me. For the first time in my life, I matter. Thank you, Thais. This really hurt to hear but I'm glad that I can see myself using your steps to heal by considering the source of where all this nastiness comes from and knowing that I have behaved in a way that matters to me.

@PrimordialAngels 21 день назад

You're so brave and strong, you can do it!! It's hard but so worth it. Same for me too! I'm sick of being bullied when I'm not doing anything wrong, just existing. Existence is not a crime! We deserve to be here and be ourselves too ♡

@asdfxcvbn746 26 дней назад

in school, in the classroom when the teacher stepped out, a girl overheard me talking about a character on a TV show to someone else. she thought I was talking about her friend. she confronted me & I told her I was talking about a TV show. she pressed the issue & I told her to mind her business. as I sat down in a desk & she stood over me, she whaled on my face with a flurry of punches as the whole classroom watched & said "oooh" with each punch. no one stopped her. i'm 6'4" black kid from the hood, she's a blonde haired, blue eyed white girl from the suburbs, so you already know how it went. I took one open hand while sitting & shoved her off of me & pushed her whole body to the ground. she literally slid across the floor as the principal walked in. she was clearly not hurt, but she starts fake-crying as the principal walks in. the principal says "what happened" the classroom in unison says "he punched her" (which was NOT what happened. he immediately took their word for it. didn't even ask me what happened. she was suspended & back the next day to finish her final tests for the grade & I was out of school for WEEKS until the end of the month. they were clearly making an example out of me to the other boys to not "hit" girls... even in self-defense. the principal told me that they had a meeting & considered expelling me (it was a private christian school) I missed my tests. almost flunked the grade & nearly didn't graduate because of it. worse yet is the girls older brother who just happens to be the principals nephew, was an ADULT & already graduated, came onto the school campus found me & beat me up & slammed my head against the locker & broke the locker door. nothing was done about this. I internalized that men & women are not equal & are not punished the same for the same infractions & that people & society will always take a woman's word over yours. if you are a man you are always the aggressor & the woman is always the victim no matter what. as I got older & encountered countless gender double standards at work, in relationships, in society etc. when men tell women about these double standards women brush it off & say women have it harder than men because imaginary pay gap, because periods & pregnancy, because menopause, the usual. then throw on top of that how women are rude & absolutely insufferable at work & in public when you interact with them, just because they can be... this started my journey of hating women. if women wonder why many men have an attitude towards women & don't want to talk with them or interact with them, this is the reason why.

@thiacari 26 дней назад

l'm sorry that that is your experience and your conclusion. I have a friend who has been through a lot - he hates and distrusts humanity as a whole.

@gatorssbm 26 дней назад

Its awful when they realize they can abuse the system because societal standards can enable these behaviors and let them get away with it. Or worse they genuinely think theyre entitled to some behaviors and still uphold double standards, that being said I dont hate them from my limited experiences but hell there really needs to be a restructure on how men and women are framed its genuinely not equal. Its no wonder the male suic¡de rate is higher, youre just less likely to be believed or validated as a man.

@asdfxcvbn746 26 дней назад

@@thiacari he probably has valid reasons to feel that way.

@laurafennell9084 25 дней назад

Hugs

@Love2uandme 25 дней назад

Sorry you went through this. I hope you’ll have a positive experience - experience some love, kindness and nurturing with some women. You deserve love and understanding.

@gatorssbm 25 дней назад

Having been in that same situation as "D" but in my teens Ill forever be upset that my mother not only avoided the problem but also dismissed my feelings at times even straight up laughing which caused damage to where when the time came I found it really hard to open up to my partner. But having also experienced something similar she was very determined to get me to open up even took the lead on vulnerability and gave me a lot of patience until I guess I got them triggered unintentionally by suddenly becoming anxious once those walls finally fell and it sent me back spiraling to those feelings of being neglected. Again really glad I found this channel so I could finally reground myself and also use a lot of it to also help her,. Even if she didnt end up trying again Im very happy now that Im comfortable being myself again, I almost thought Id stay depressed, insecure or numb my entire adult life but learning to recondition all those beliefs that Im "useless" even if we dont consciously think it has truly flipped my life around and I can finally be happy despite whats happened.

@triplejmom7826 25 дней назад

I relate to D. My father (biological) was the same. I got punished for laughing & getting along with my siblings. I got harshly spanked or disciplined for things my father admitted he knew I didn’t do while not punishing my siblings for doing bad things. It messes you up.

@jaffrey1319 25 дней назад

My ex went through this crap. Her father would severely beat her and her three sisters because her mother said "they were bad all day, and you need to beat them because of it" when he came home from work. Awful people.

@roshalllambert 14 дней назад

This was an amazing video! This touched me deeply as I have worked with FA clients who are currently dealing with this and I can see how it can impact them negatively!

@brybaby89 25 дней назад

I find it hard to let myself know "it will be okay" ... One of my parents always said that... And both they, and the other parent proved otherwise. So trusting even those words, in an of themselves, is trying. Plus, "maybe" was conditioned to mean, "no".

@spacecat8511 24 дня назад

I was severely bullied for the entirety of ages 5-18 with no comfort from home and if an adult comforted me, it was in a “our hands are tied just endure it.” Everyone hated me. My peers and teachers could treat me however they wanted and outright said so. I was expected to just Endure. I now have cptsd. I now have to deal with feeling everything I was punished for feeling whenever I try to form any sort of relationship that isn’t a superficial acquaintanceship or only exists online. It’s hell. I’m trying to work through it but it’s hell. You don’t have to have a chaotic home to have a FA attatchment type. I would’ve more than likely been DA instead if it were just my parental environment.

@RRthee1 25 дней назад

This was very insightful. That treatment messed me up so bad. I was in D's shoes (just switch the parents). I'll have to work this out in therapy.

@Sidera17 26 дней назад

I'm an FA and did experience this in childhood, but I had a sibling who was NOT punished unpredictably, so I think I saw that and processed this as a sort of "injustice wound" because I knew what the rules were, but they were not being applied normally to ME. I DO have all these exact behaviors and symptoms from the I Am Bad wound though, from something else. I am not sure if it is just actually the wound, and I cannot tell, or it is because through the years I have learned I have to do all the things listed as the wound symptoms because I am autistic. Being autistic, I am constantly misunderstood by everyone due to the Double Empathy problem. Mismatched body language and divergent ways of processing information and communicating it between myself and neurotypicals, as well as an inability to read social situations and low empathy, make me have to be hyper-vigilant in the exact same ways as the wound. I am aware I have to do these things in every adult interaction, no matter how trivial, as an adult, or I *am* actually misunderstood at least half the time. Being misunderstood usually has negative social consequences because a lot of "missing the cues" has people project negative motivations onto me that are not there, or assume I have the mentality of a 5 year old and am unintelligent, thus either treating me like I'm in Rain Man OR attracting people who want to attempt to exploit me. I consciously am aware I do all these things, but it doesn't feel like it is coming from a subconscious wound, it feels like a protocol I learned I had to adapt and am quite frankly exhausted and enraged I have to do, like if I had an injury that required the use of crutches and I hated using the crutches. I end up externalizing the anger onto others because it also feels unjust that there a tacit judgment and social discrimination at play that we should ALL be working to overcome. I don't know how to help myself under these immutable parameters.

@gatorssbm 25 дней назад

It feels like youll just have to wait and see if anyone is capable of being patient with those misunderstandings because its very discouraging these days when seemingly most people jump to conclusions and project back perceived "bad" behaviors out. Seen this too much with my autistic brother who wasnt trying to be offensive rather blunt and hed just get punished sometimes when knowing him very well I know he wasnt trying to start anything thats just how he is and worse itd sometimes escalate into him being upset because our step parent just chose to get angry as he usually does instead of my mother or I trying to constantly remind him that my brother isnt a malicious type of person he just has trouble with being too direct and worse as time went on couldnt get the proper ground to speak what he means. Its just awful being put in that situation and the only way to outgrow it is to at least have a bit of help from someone whos patient enough to understand and of course some self healing from this channel, I was in a similar spot where I wasnt sure how Id go about it but as the mind gets reconditioned even if it doesnt solve everything it does make it a bit easier to understand what to do and calm down those triggers of anger or resentment.

@anon13ew903erg 26 дней назад

thank you so much for this. please post more videos on solutions like this. i know my attachment issues, but i often feel overwhelmed as to how to heal it and most people dont knowhow to suggest solutions that resonate. your solutions make me feel seena nd give me hope. 🙏

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 25 дней назад

Thank you for your kind comment and suggestion :) I will forward this request to Thais !

@angiemoreno1013 25 дней назад

This hits home

@annabelroberts4792 23 дня назад

My context was my undiagnosed BPD mum was never happy with me not being a boy, but then I turned out to be an AuDHD girl who she couldn't relate to but who was very good at seeing the truth and not her version of reality. She thought that was deliberately malicious when it was just honest. And now I find myself in a situation where society around me is slipping into believing things that are untrue and unscientific and I find myself, yet again, at odds with the beliefs of people around me, feeling super isolated, but I can't lie about the facts to avoid being condemned and punished. Repetition compulsion? But how do I break out of it when the whole of mainstream society believes it, but I can't, because i kniw it'snot true (high IQ from autism etc)? 🤷🏼‍♀️ thought it was bad in relationships mirroring my mum, no, this is far worse. I've lost friendships and work. I'm clueless how to "do the inner work" on this.

@volcomchick4989 18 дней назад

I definitely deeply feel like im defective bad and unlovable

@tomhazelden982 25 дней назад

It seems like in order to fit into this category, you need to have some extreme Mr Wormwood-esque parents, but I'd like to offer a different perspective on this here for all those who might resonate with some of this but feel blocked by the extremity of the example used here. I grew up in a fairly normal working class household in the UK. I was never shouted at as such, my dad is fairly quick to get frustrated (as a lot of dads are), but I felt like I had a pretty standard childhood much like a lot of my friends. But I've always been slightly afraid of my dad, a lot of us know the classic 'wait until your father gets home' line. As I've grown up, he's softened a lot and is clearly extremely proud of me, so it can be difficult to go back in time and see that side of things, especially when it doesn't feel black and white. Still to this day though I get a 'don't lose it' or 'drive carefully' on the daily. It's only a small thing and comes from a place of love, but I think it's left me with this need to be perfect and to prove that I'm not a screw-up. Also, the fallout of when you actually do lose the thing you were told not to is pretty tough (obviously I'm not trying to lose the key you're giving me). Ultimately it has informed a lot of the way I think, despite not having any solid examples of being actually shouted at to my memory. I think it's important to remember that if you resonate with any of this, it might not come from a super obvious place like D's example used in this video. I also see my own father's innocence and know that he's doing his best, but comes from a different time with different policitics and beliefs. Thanks Thais for the video, this has been a massively helpful watch!

@tomhazelden982 25 дней назад

I hope that all makes sense lol, but of verbal diarrhea

@dl5054 26 дней назад

This d cat seems interesting. after all he did end up sharing a little space and time with you. Lucky dog he is. Id say it was all worth it. Is he a time traveler you think?