Potential answers: 1. Hes gay 2. Hes on the spectrum 3. He doesn't want more kids 4. He has a porn addiction 5. Hes having an affair 6. He has body issues 7. He has depression/anxiety 8. He regrets marrying her and isn't intrested in her 9. Hes an addict 10. Religious beliefs 11. Trauma She said she cant even bring this issue up without him stonewalling her for a week...this isnt a marriage. I am going to guess a combination of 8 & 10. Likely 11 too.
How about he got sick of being manipulated by her withholding sex the entire beginning of the marriage? Why did everyone miss that she said that She’s manipulative
@@notreallyafamousartist695yeah, I don’t understand why everyone is ignoring that either. She said she didn’t feel protected and safe with him, why did she even marry him? I wonder if he’s gay, but the beginning of their marriage which is supposed to be one of the happiest times in his life he was constantly denied even though he made the commitment. I wonder..
I feel for this lady on every level. I was married for 23 years. We did not consummate our marriage for over 6 months. We have 2 kids but sex was awful and almost nonexistent. He absolutely hated my guts and was grumpy every day. I think he got married for image not to have a relationship. Every time I initiated communication about our issues it would lead to an argument, and he would give me the silent treatment for weeks on end. It's a very insidious type of abuse that is rarely spoken about. There is freedom on the other side. You need to leave. Gather emotional support and leave. You will wither away till you are a ghost of yourself. You got this, huge hugs from Canada.
May I ask , why did you continue marriage if you saw the red flags or did he change after marriage? I know that I would never marry a man like that so why did you? No hate I am just trying to understand and also you should leave if you havnt already.
I agree. I was married to a man for 18 years to a man that didn't want sex. I knew I was in trouble on the honeymoon. I stayed because I thought divorce was a sin. I found that he'd hidden men's muscle magazines(and he himself didn't work out), so I suspect he was attracted to men, not sure if he ever acted on it. Ironically, he found someone online and walked out on me and our kids. He called me after a couple years telling me he was having the same issues with his new girlfriend (she was complaining about the lack of sex), and I was like OF COURSE YOU ARE! People need to always be honest about who they are. My ex was also very verbally abusive and not happy, probably from hiding who he really was...........
I think it could be mental health issues blocking him. At 22 I found myself resenting my gf and not wanting any sex… from her… but I’ve found that my own mental health problems were the reason. Not her. He could need help but is just scared of what that would mean for his manhood. Which sounds stupid but most men out manhood above all until they crash out
This sounds very similar to my situation right now. Im on the road to see a therapist and hopefully I can get my life together again. Thank you for sharing part of your story, it gives hope and I feel seen.
They both dislike each other and probably stuck for the kids sake. This isn’t a marriage. Speak to each other. Six months into marriage and no sex is madness.
I have been married 32 years and me and my husband have great chemistry ❤️ together! This is something you have to have in order to get married! Sexual relations is sacred between couples that honor each other and their commitment to each other!
My ex-husband would tell me how I 'wasn't a good Christian' when I asked why we had such a sexless marriage. He'd disappear on 'church business' for hours, etc. Turned out he was at a gay bar, and was having plenty of sex. The kicker was when I asked for a divorce, he tried to get me removed from the church for 'giving up on my marriage'. Nah. Didn't work.
Yeah, there is a source of shame for women in this situation and the typical assumption is usually that women are the ones who don't want sex and reject the husband, but it does happen the other way around.
I am living in this situation now. Married 3 yrs and sex twice. He ghosts me when I bring it up. He has no answer for why. It’s awful. He prioritizes business, money and yard work. That is it. I’ve never felt so lonely.
As sad of a moment as this was, this was why she called him. She needed someone to confirm what she already knows, which is that this marriage is on life support, but brain dead…he is 💯 correct, and telling her the relationship is over already, is the kindest thing anyone could do for this lady. I hope both parties can find what they need in life🙏
R.I.P. to all the hearts these selfish men never deserved. Don’t settle if you don’t have to ladies.. fall in love with the one who truly loves you and you will be ok 👍 And for the ladies who need to hear it: If he doesn’t care about your feelings, good or bad, he doesn’t care about you, and he may never. Accept and free yourself while you can. If he doesn’t care that you’re unhappy, it’s time to move on. You are stronger than you think, braver than you think, and more deserving than you believe. God bless America. 🇺🇸
and almost NEVER happens for females and when it does on the extremely rare occasions its usually because of things like (she's gained 50kg) v the 25% of marriages that are sexless
agreed, and that's for several reasons most guys don't realise, or want to know about, stats suggest (across the western world) its roughly 25%, but as one female RU-vidr put it ''all women eventually friend zone their husbands'' @@b.m.t.h.3961
It broke me, when he said he was “speechless” and “very abnormal” that they haven’t had sex in 12 years (or just maybe 5 times) 😢 I’d love to call in and see what he has to say to me, that my husband has not touched me for 10 years. Not even once. Wtf? I need to call in I think.
My wife and I are almost the complete opposite, we can't keep our hands off each other. Morning and night everyday. If you don't me asking do you ever hit him up or just have a romantic dinner or raunchy clothing ? I don't really understand this at all. Even when my wife and I are fighting she offers to get naked and asks if that's would relax me. I guess I'm asking if there's potential that you both feel the same and both want more intimacy
10 years no touch? This is not a normal male behaviour, I mean even if a man cheats with multiple women, he still has energy for his wife. When a man avoids his wife it can be down to quite "particular" cases such as : 1. His hormonal level is way below what it should be - he needs to go to a doctor to check his testosterone, not only for sex but his general health as well 2. He is depressed. Seriously depressed. 3. He has been a crypto-homosexual all the way (today this is less frequent, but it still exists in conservative cultures) 4. He has built up resentment against you - in this case most probably he cheats, in the least with pros 0. There is zero chance he cheats and has no energy for you. However there is a small chance he cheated in the past, contracted an STD and does not want to transmit it to you since this will cause a divorce
Pornography addiction can make a man incapable of performing sexually in real life. It can get to the point where nothing a real woman can do could ever compare to what the women in pornography can do. I have a friend who is a marriage counsellor and he says that it is utterly shocking how destructive pornography use can be in a marriage (or even by itself)and yet it often gets a free pass.
It's not just that hand stimulation is also bad, you wire your brain to think that you must use your hand on yourself for sex and add that to porn and you are just set up for failure.
@@sloeberdoetIt also objectifies the other partner so it can be destructive as those addicted don't see their partner as a person or think about their needs.
I remember I worked with this old dude who sounds just like Jenn’s husband and the thing was, this dude was dealing with ED and he was really grumpy and also just ashamed/embarrassed in general. When his wife would bring up wanting to be intimate, it would just make him more embarrassed and ashamed. He talked to me about it and I told him 1. He has to be straight up with his wife if he doesn’t want to lose her forever, 2. There were medical options that could at least help him a little. I left that job a few years ago but I see him on SM sometimes and him and his wife look a lot happier. This definitely seems like a situation where, for better or worse, the air just needs to be cleared.
@@ineedhoez yeah to be fair, as far as I know, they were only having trouble for a few months, he finally talked to his wife, they made a plan and saw some specialists and it seems like they’re doing much better today
@@stillscrimmaging283sounds like solid advice, hopefully it helped him! But still, that sounds like somewhat normal, although difficult, married stuff. Not consummating a marriage for six months and then living that way for the next twelve years sounds way past what your co-worker was going through.
Men need to normalize being able to talk to other men about things like that and so many other things. So man may suffer from so many things in fear of being vulnerable. It’s awesome that you must have radiated something that made him feel comfortable exposing himself to you and it was greet you gave him solid advice instead of further emasculating him
Like what? She seemed good natured, she's initiated the conversation numerous times, sought out professional counsel/therapy. It's hard to imagine this woman is doing something so gastly it would explain why her husband wouldn't want to touch her, and yet stay married to her for 12 years. If she is doing something she's completely in the dark about it with zero self awareness or insight from her husband.
Like, maybe she knows deep down he's not into her (maybe he's not even attracted to women), but she thinks counseling can fix that? There's something she's not revealing here (understandably so, not everyone wants to air out of their intimate details online). But dang, in 12 years y'all not had sex and you haven't directly addressed that?!?
@@verb0ze oh, yea. Obviously something is going on in his head that we can only speculate about. I just don't get the impression she's doing something to cause his lack of interest. If he's unwilling to work on it I would've left a long time ago. I didn't sign up for a life of loveless celibacy. I signed up for reciprocal love and to be cherished and respected till death. He's not living up to his vows. They're only married on paper.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 let’s not forget this is her 3rd marriage though. There’s a pattern of something - either behavior on her part or the type of partner she chooses.
Caller #3 sounds like she's been lied to. Either she's his beard or a cover for a long-term affair, or the man has hated her since before they got married and has been trying to get her to break up with him because he doesn't dare to do it himself...he clearly doesn't like her and hasn't for a long time...
@@WWEGamesClub-t8vare they though? I can’t even fathom this kind of lack of intimacy. If my husband and I go more than 2 weeks without sex, we’re talking about it. It’s a super important part of relationships, imo. And he and I have been married for 19 years….
Its so weird to see the reasonable replies when its the woman who is complaining. You all need to stop despising all men for you picking poorly in your youth.
I was married to a man who wanted to wait until marriage, and then after marriage still didn't want sex. Turns out he had grown up in a household of rampant abuse and had real issues. We didn't last. He made me wrong for being sexual, and couldn't see that he himself had issues.
I think a lot hide behind religion, when they have other issues. In the days before good contraception, pre marital sex was a dangerous business, because of an unwanted pregnancy. But those days are long gone. Religion is nevertheless a very convenient excuse for people who just don't want to have sex, end of.
Purity culture is very unhealthy. A man that is perfectly fine upholding the standards of purity culture is a red flag. Some goes for women by the way.
As a single woman I find this show about relationships fascinating!!! Who knows how ppl are really living; marriage is scary...ppl are drowning out here and they're creating toxic children. God help us🙏🏽
Don’t let this show scare you of marriage, I have an amazing marriage with my hubby - we going on 5 years but literally have the best life ever, and it’s a lot of fun to grow and build something with the love of your life!
agreed....gotta be careful out there! there are so many messed up marriages and kids, you're right... i am fortunate to be married to a good person but we opted out of kids for many many reasons.
Also not the best followup questions. It should be when was the last time he tried to initiate. When was the last time she tried? What was his reaction?
She may be scared because he (her husband) knew she had the appointment to be on this call and she may be holding back because she's afraid he's listening...
When a man does not want sex with his wife for that long and not willing to talk about it, he is either gay or not sexually attracted to her. If he was tired or impotent he would talk and get help, but this is deep-rooted, and indicates he is not in love, nor sexually attracted. Get out of this dead relationship, as it will destroy your heart and soul over time, as this is abuse / rejection / abandonment. How the hell did she not sit him down and tell him why does he not want to have sex, and does he want to get help? Make it clear you do do not plan to stay in a relationship where he does not want to work it out, as you need to move on, and be free of him to meet somebody else.
Yep, there is something super wrong with this relationship. Majority of men needs release at least once a week. If he is not getting the release with her than it is things you mentioned: he is asexual, homosexual, having an affair, or addicted to porn and he self pleasuring. I would like to know his reasons for lack of sex. Maybe she rejected him so many times he doesn't even want to try.
My guess is gay + self-imposed religious pressure to pick a WIFE, and never divorce. Either way I feel so sad for both of them. It was also heartbreaking to me that one of her reasons for wanting to improve her marriage is so her daughter won’t have a bad marriage. Like, that’s wonderful and noble, but why doesn’t she also feel SHE deserves a good marriage for her own sake??
@@dmbgator86 REALLY? Still on that one? I feel like the only people who could say being gay is a choice are people who are attracted to both genders and choose not to act on their same-sex attractions, and assume everyone else has the same attractions. But it sure isn’t a “choice” I could make.
This is incredibly common. Women get blamed for sexless marriages, but there are definitely men who don’t want sex. I’ve been married for 33 years, and we are very happy and in love with each other. My husband seems entirely uninterested in intimacy of any kind. He grew up in an immigrant home where his parents lived through wars. Life was just about surviving, He saw no displays of affection, and his parents never spoke about sex to him, and also a Mennonite family. He’s very uncomfortable with the topic. We’ve been to therapy together, and now both go alone mostly to learn about ourselves. So he’s in the process of unraveling his childhood and family. Yes, our marriage would be significantly different if we had a healthy intimate life, and I wish that for us and believe it’s still possible. That being said, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s kind, gentle, fun, hardworking, loves me like crazy, would do anything for me he is able to, generous, genuine, and loyal. I’d rather have this marriage than one with frequent sex with someone who doesn’t have all these other qualities, and I don’t feel the same safety and trust. 😊
I have this with my boyfriend who I'd very much like to marry. We're cuddly and feel all the love, just not super interested in sex and so far it's working. Good to hear a positive story of a marriage that is loving without intimacy coming only from sex.
It’s nice that you feel loved in different ways. This to me would be my personal nightmare. In my opinion, sex is a very important part of a relationship. Sure, we connect in many different ways, but the connection coming from your significant other pleasuring you over and over, taking care of said pleasure, looking into each other’s ways as you both enjoy yourselves is like no other to me. We’ve been together for 8 years and we have sex at least three times a week. And even if it’s rushed, I know he’s obsessed with my pleasure and making me feel good which makes me feel so loved. You can get someone who’s loyal, loving, supportive, sweet AND who gives you drool inducing orgasms that leave your chest heaving and legs shaking. You don’t have to pick one over the other… how do you deal with being unsatisfied? Don’t you think it’ll turn into resentment?
@@JefferyT1991 “this to me would be my personal nightmare” I wonder if that constitutes an opinion and almost implies that different people like different things?
so many people are in sham marriages. I think this is more common than people want to talk about. Most marriages are just like roommate situations, and people stay for financial reasons, not for the love of their partner.
The caller has such cryptic ways to talk. At some points I had no idea what she's even talking about. That might be part of their problem 😅 Bad connection quality might bear some fault here, but not all. Or maybe I'm just a dum-dum 😂
There were parts I wondered was she trying to flirt with Dr. Deloney or trying to sound smarter than him (like criminals that try to outsmart police detectives)? Cryptic is perfect word, kinda like trying to understand what Charles Manson was saying in his prison interviews. That would definitely be a turn-off.
I agree with you. At first I thought it was her phone connection, but then I realized she’s just not used to giving her thoughts and opinions and having anyone listen so she doesn’t know how to express herself. It’s hard to know if he’s just a jerk who doesn’t love her or if she’s incredibly passive and doesn’t know how to be assertive…maybe a combination of both. 🤷🏻♀️
@@jeromehenry4484What the heck kind of call were YOU listening to?? 😂🙄🥴 Never did I ever hear any of what you described here. Flirting with Dr Deloney?? Charles Manson?? Gimme a break 😂
For me it's always strange when people are in a relationship and aren't able to talk to each other. They act like strangers, even like enemies. I don't get it. I talk with my husband directly. All important feelings are on the table, no hesitation. I can't imagine to live a life like that 😢
Exactly. If my husband and I (married 19 years) start to go more than like two weeks without sex I’m like “hey what’s up? I need intimacy. Everything ok?” Maybe he’s super stressed at work or something but I want to know. And usually we will make a point to be intimate soon after…
I am in one. It happens like a thief in the night. Before marriage we worked wonderfully. My best friend. Once married it all flipped and I can’t say what was the cause.
I was in a sexless marriage for 5 years. In the 5 years, we never consummated our vows. I asked what he needed from me and his response was always “no babe, it’s not you…it’s me”. I was open to trying things to help but it either didn’t work or he just wasn’t interested. He is an alcoholic, PTSD, depression. He refuses treatment. He became verbally, physically, and financially abusive. We tried counseling, now we are getting a divorce. Thankfully no children because of the domestic violence. I’m also thankful God is rescuing me from this abusive marriage. I’m get to go live my best life and serve God!
And sometimes people are too afraid to walk away because they don't want to be single and because maybe they're 40 or 50 years old now they feel if they break up it would be impossible to find anybody else
Right…. If it doesn’t work…. Let it go…. Be good to each other in divorce….. divorce doesn’t have to be a failure…. Many years it can work but people change…. Let it go and heal.
Dear Jen: Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and an accountant, and meet with them BEFORE you have that conversation with your husband. He many try to use money as a way of trapping you into this dead-end marriage. You need a safe exit strategy, including a place to shelter if necessary.
Were they having sex before getting engaged? And if she says they didn’t have sex because she didn’t feel safe, and other aspects of the marriage are bad. Why are they still married??? 12 YEARS?
At this point I believe she would be so much happier alone. 😊😊 who needs that crap. Wow how can she put up with that. I have never been married. No kids. So happy. Almost 68. Freedom and peace. No criticism. Do what I want and get my way. My say. 😊. Wish that girl lots of 🤞 luck. Hope she finds some peace and happy 😊 days ahead. 😊
I don’t sympathize with the woman who doesn’t have any self-respect whatsoever to not talk to her husband for 12 years and still stay married to him. Let alone the husband himself. How is this even possible?
Wow, this woman is anything but direct! I guess it must be too painful for her to say it frankly that her marriage is completely dysfunctional. Her spouse sounds messed up AF. It's really cruel of him to keep her in legal chains like this when he clearly has no true desire to be with her.
Even what he says on his “good days” sound devoid of love and kinda depressing “whether it is for good or bad reasons god brought us together”. What does he mean bad reasons?!
We struggle with my husband wanting intimacy for the last 13 years. I have done all I can, I have gotten supremely physical fit in thinking that would help, I take the best care of all his needs as humanely possible, I used to try all different ways to ask him or try to help it….. after two years of that, there became times I would beg, then I just became resigned about it. He says he loves him, calls me beautiful often, but if I ask him about the intimacy he says “I’m tired,” “I need more down time.” He had a physical and all checked out just fine….. I don’t know why, and he never has any real answer. I tell him “I feel like a single woman, I feel alone, I need to know what is going on…….” I have asked for years. Edited to add, there were 4 years that we normal. It’s time to stop the dance. I am taking your advice as if you were speaking to me.
Sounds a lot like my first marriage. Our sex life was always a bit sub par on frequency from the very beginning and just got worse and worse. About 4 years in she started cheating. I delt with that for another 5 years as our marriage fell apart until there was nothing left and I absolutely despise the woman now for what she put me through m. I should have ended it so much sooner. I’m re-married now to a woman who’s drive for sex and career success aligns almost perfectly to mine and she still has genuine attraction and desire 8 years after our first time.
I there myself. That's why I am here watching. All I get is fighting and when I ask why we don't he just says he needs to get his strength back. I thought going crazy. It seems a lot of ppl are going through the same thing but mines has Ed but he was in the Navy so they give him free pills. And has a porn addiction. I am sure mines a narc too tho. But it's still so rear and frustrating❤ I feel for her and us all going through it.
I’m in the exact same situation exactly the same amount of years and I begged for 6 years then said F it after that. I’m leaving soon. As soon as the house sells.
Somehow I'm getting the feeling that he is a gay man who has not yet come to terms with his sexuality and trying to deny it. His comment regarding I chose you and God wants me to be with you screams to me that he his struggling deeply with his attraction towards men and shame that what he is feeling is not acceptable towards God. I can see how those conflicting thoughts/emotions would make him "grumpy".
A man shedding tears does not mean he's sincere. If God brought you together, then he needs to love you like Christ loved the church. People always want to bring God in when its convenient, but they don't want to follow what God says about marriage. He's playing games and has been for 12 years. She's been hanging on to crumbs for 12 years.
The minute i heard “it’s been like this since we were dating”, now i don’t have sympathy for her. She knew she was marrying an avoidant difficult man. She needs the confidence and self love/worth to know she deserves better. She deserves a partner. but that starts with her choosing to leave him and start fresh
no i meant the avoidant personality (not related to sex). You need to marry someone you can talk about anything with, especially the hard and intimate conversations. He showed her before they married that he couldnt do that@@XxXPringlesNinjaXxX
They both sound dysfunctional. No wonder there's no communication. Deep deep problems here. I don't think her just leaving this marriage and finding a new partner would solve ,,her,, problems. She has too many of her own. Who stays silent for 12 years !!??
I have a friend who is in a COMPLETELY sexless marriage. Her husband takes serious anti-depression meds, super serious! (Lots of suicide and alcoholism in his family). As a result of the med use, he is COMPLETELY uninterested in sex in any way or type. None. But he is the most caring/kind/intelligent person you would ever meet. Over time, my friend had to simply mourn the sexual element. Unfortunately she has strayed into affairs, and it has become impossible to support her behavior. She is deeply angry at him for denying her this element of the relationship.
I know it's a bit controversial, but anti-depressants have not been proven effective in closed studies and suicide rates are higher on them. It may be worth at least talking to them about other therapy options. The medications are extremely harsh on the body and can create serious long-term health complications which will only complicate his position more. I do empathize with you though and am not suggesting this is your responsibility. It's hard to care for someone who is a victim in one way and has turned that into hurting someone else.
Being in a sexless marriage is so painful. I'm sorry Jenn went through this. One thing that helped me, coming out of my doomed, sexless marriage, is to understand the difference between care and love. My ex-husband and I cared deeply for each other, but we weren't in love for the last several years of our marriage. Care is not a substitute for love. Another thing, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Stop holding out for the person you wish they were, and accept who they are. Edited to add: if someone has to resort to religious conviction to justify being in a relationship with you, they're done. That's someone hanging on by the very last thread (and I would know, because I was that person).
But didn’t Christ say that it was because of your hardened hearts that Moses permitted you to give a certificate of divorce? I tell you if anyone divorces his wife except on grounds of adultery his is guilty of committing adultery. He is also guilty of the adultery of the person who remarries. Today’s marraiges are so fickle that you think religious conviction is a last resort. I’d say that should be the first resort. If Christ is first then doing everything in my marriage to maintain is more important then my life. He who looses his life for my sake will gain it as Christ says also. We have to love our spouses like the church and ensure as Christ endured for the church.
14:15 - He does not want to be married to you. He cut through the crap!!!!! She agreed. He had been telling her that since they were dating. That is a soul crushing devastating reality. She chose this. That man has been who he always was. He didn't change. Ladies, if a man doesn't love the smell of your dirty drawz, he is not for you!!! When you are their dream girl, they show up for you in a way that most of us can't even fathom because we've never even seen it. We've never seen what it's like to be loved, cherished, respected, provided for, and nurtured. Many of us don't know what it's like to have a man who is our biggest cheerleader and is happy just to see us happy. We don't know what it's like to have a man that pours into us. We can look through generations of women in our family and not seen a single good man. Unfortunately, all we know is sleep deprivation, exhaustion, being depleted, cooking, cleaning, being used a sex doll, working full-time, and taking care of the children. All we know is labor. All we know is being exploited for what we can give to a man. This is the reason why women file 70% of the time. They are exhausted, and marriage is a prison where they provide 184,000 a year of uncompensated domestic labor. That is the economic value of a stay-at-home mother's contribution to the home, according to the Department of Labor. You are an asset to them. You are a benefits package. If you're lucky they give you a $10,000 ring and then they get $184,000 a year worth of services. Knowing the literal value of what you bring to the table, will enable you to ensure that your man is contributing just as much. The math starts to math, now that you know the economic value of what you bring to the table. It makes it easier to see that his $100,000 (I'm clowning because they make 50k) salary as not enough. We aren't even talking about the emotional labor that it takes to have a healthy relationship. It is not worth it to marry the average male. He provides $50,000 in salary and you provide $184,000 worth of services. All of that and to then get treated as if you are worthless because you don't work outside of the home. So ladies, now that we know what we are worth, find a man who values you. If you end up alone so be it. I'd rather be alone than subsidizing somebody else's life. You can do bad by yourself. That's just a joke because we already know single and child free women are thriving and they are the actual happiest people on the planet😂😂😂 Find a man that loves you and shows up for you in an extraordinary capacity. Absent that, just get a cat. It's literally not worth it.
Your math doesn't add up. Single child free women take the most anti depressants, they are least happy people on earth. You didn't find a man to pour into you, probably because all you care about is money. All you talked about is money. Money, money, money. My husband pours into me, spoils me, cherishes me, works hard all day, every day, for me. He proposed with a quarter machine ring 24 years ago. I still can't wait for him to come home each day. Stop obessing over money if you want love.
So many more questions????? She said he found out about this call 15 minutes before it. Was he in ear shot? Was she scared to say thing? She delayed in some questions almost as if he was walking past the room. The way she said he would react to her questions and then stonewall her after is abusive behavior. I lived that for decades. What is his age? So many questions here. I’m guessing he won’t go to counseling. She needs to demand it. Couples counseling or divorce. This is very “off” and so confusing. Like why? What is his answer to her? 12 years he has to have said a whole slew of excuses. So what are those? Jenn call back!!!!!
It's so easy to dogpile on him, but if you listen to her, they are both at fault. Neither really wanted it and now they are just settled in their ways. She is leaving out a whole lot of things in her story. When asked what her goal is, it isn't to have sex. She never said she's trying so hard to have it and he's turning it down. No. She sits there and doesn't want it just like he does. And he's just "grumpy" and this was the third question and not the first question.
She said they’re both smart people. I question that. Their marriage sounds pointless and devoid of love from even the beginning. And yet these 2 people DECIDED to not only get married but have children together! They are not very self aware and can’t even communicate effectively.
it doesnt sound like it's his kids. I wouldnt be surprised if the guy married her for a green card and he's just content. Most likely he probably getting his needs met somewhere else.
Depriving your significant other of sex is cruel and should be ground for divorce with no partner alimony owed. I very much doubt that the problem is rarely with just one.
@@u.2b215Completely agree with everything you said. And if he wants to use God as an excuse, even God said it is not good for man to be alone. She is completely alone in this. She alao made it clear that she is trying to make things work and he is fighting her the whole way through . So in this case it sounds like it really is just one and that "one" is him .
Something people often overlook about men who avoid sex is that men who have been sexually abused have a totally different idea about sex. They are totally closed off. This may not be this guy's issue but I think it might be worth it to investigate this possibility.
Not after 12 years, this is something that you discussed at that 6-month conversation. That's when he should have put in the work to do whatever healing he needed to do so he could be an active participant in his marriage.
@@ineedhoez Yeah, I agree. They are both intelligent according to her. In 12 years she would have considered this. If she didn't bring it up at 6 month counseling or with him directly in 12 years, she failed herself.
Crazy story: my friend had a husband that had an aversion to sperm because his mom shamed him so much as a teenager if he ejaculated on the sheets so he had a hard time having sex because of that aversion (he associated ejaculation with Shame, guilt, embarrassment) but he finally overcame it after 15 years of marriage.
I think she buried the lead by waiting until most of the way through the call to say that her husband admitted that he's only married to her because his religion told him he can't divorce. I wish Dr. John had asked her about religion at the beginning, because that was the first thing that popped into my head when she said they didn't consummate the marriage for 6 months. I bet you anything they never had any type of sex, not even a heavy make out session, before the wedding, and they were pressured by their families and/or church to marry after a short courtship. The caller probably was told that the fact that this man wasn't trying to touch her at all was proof that he was a godly man that she should be with, when in fact it was only proof that he's either deeply traumatized, gay, or both. Since staying married and impressing his church is important to him, I think she should use that angle moving forward. All ministers offer marriage counseling to their church members, she should have her husband sit down with their pastor together. I know in some conservative congregations, this is done with the minister and his wife together, and sometimes they'll have one on one meetings based on their gender for people who are too shy to spill the beans in mixed company. They may also be paired with an older, successfully married couple in the church to mentor them. Basically this guy needs to be held accountable for his actions within the marriage, and see that this is an important issue that can't just be kept a secret and swept under the rug. If all of this doesn't prompt him to open up or change at all, the caller needs to cut her losses. She can show her kids a successful second marriage, this one can never succeed if the husband isn't willing to put in any effort.
@@ToccaLucia I think it will expose to her how unwilling to work on it he is. She isn't ready to throw in the towel, otherwise she would have by now. It's going to take a lot more for her to leave this relationship than it would take the average person, she needs to feel like she exhausted all her options first. Even going to therapy on her own wasn't enough for her to realize she needs to leave, she's desperate to try anything and everything, including calling in to a youtube show. One side of my family is extremely Christian, I'm talking multiple ministers and multiple non-ordained people working in churches and for religious organizations. Even a conservative pastor isn't going to let this man off the hook for being unwilling to even talk to his wife about intimacy. Of course they'll try to get the couple to work on things, but I'm almost sure the outcome will be that this man isn't willing to put any work in. Best case scenario he finally admits to his childhood sex abuse, goes to individual counseling, and they start to have a functional marriage. More likely he doesn't really participate, and the caller can walk away knowing that she did all she could and was validated by multiple people in her life.
This is why I stayed far away from religious church girls because church really confuses the topic and makes people feel immoral for their natural needs and desires. It’s a BIG problem in a lot of marriages where they got married without being physical and then have disfunction after that.
@@maddieb.4282you can take her victim side and that’s fine. But for those of us that can read between the lines there is a reason for her issues. And they’re likely fully her fault.
Would be curious to know how there sex life was with partners prior to them meeting each other. Or were they both virgins when they met. Lots of questions with this call. Their marriage feels like one of those arranged marriages.
She was very vague in what she was saying, almost being cryptic… I’m still unsure if it’s him or her who isn’t interested in intimacy. I almost feel like it’s her, but she’s blaming him for it & trying to get permission from Dr. John to place all the blame on her husband and leave. Seriously, rewatch it, she never says anything like “I try to initiate se* and he turns me down” or things you would expect if it was him rejecting her.
Takes 2 to have a sexless marriage.. and I’d say close to never are both parties actually staying committed to each other in these cases. Either he’s cheating, she is, or both.
@@mylesgray3470 That’s kinda my point… she was being so vague & I feel like she wasn’t saying everything there is to say, even Dr John said that a couple times, that he feels she’s not saying something.
John needed to ask more questions. Why is she still there, and why did they even get married, and if they only even had sex 5 times, then how does she have multiple kids? Was either one a virgin?
Lack of communication is leading cause of divorce. It's possible the husband was somewhere on the asexual or aromantic spectrum and didn't feel comfortable talking about it, then shut down after going to therapy.
Maybe he was SEXUALLY ABUSED. No one bothers to ask this about men. My husband experienced emotional incest from his mother. It took him YEARS to get to that root, and that was with my help and research and the work of therapists.
@@Kat00000 Things like a mother wearing a white dress to her son's wedding, or trying to drive off the girls he's dating. Sadly an increasing and super creepy trend.
After 9 years of sexless marriage my ex finally confessed to me that he was sexually abused by a relative as a child. The trauma spilled over into all areas of his life, especially the bedroom. He wouldn't seek help and we're divorced now. This is a very real problem.
@@Kat00000it's exactly what it sounds like. But instead of having sexual relationship with your child you have an emotional adult relationship with your child. You fill your need for adult relationalship connection using your child.
His reasons for not participating don't change the reality. As an adult who enters into a relationship, it's your responsibility to work through your s*** so you can show up for your partner. It's tough, and it's hard but you have to show up. At the very least, if you can't show up sexually, you can show up in other ways. Being an a****** to your partner and not having sex with them it's just too much
Jenn, you told us all you needed to tell us @15:18 and following. You're holding on to the hope that these rare times are the real reality. Guess what? He's doing the same thing. But the truth is, he didn't want you then and doesn't want you now. He wishes that he wanted you, but he didn't, doesn't, and despite his best attempts on these rare occasions, never will. People often turn to speaking of their feelings about circumstances and people in their lives when those things are hard to cope with - what they are doing is avoiding how they truly, deep down feel. Out loud they say: "God must have had a plan." But inwardly they're thinking, "because i sure wouldn't have planned this myself." I'll cut to the chase. He can't face the reality that he was never attracted to you. Turn loose, Jenn.
This is so mind boggling. Most people have sex at least 5 times just on their honeymoon. I can’t imagine going 12 years like that. Like how do both people allow this to happen?
Circumstances ( when you have kids together plus when you live in joint set up and your in-laws are abusive /toxic to the core ( narcisstic ) ! It's not easy ( it's frustrating as hell ; being single is better than being in a loveless ,sexless marriage where you feel alone despite having a partner - a partner which exists only on papers ) and no one wants to be in such a situation ... but ........ sometimes you just live this life for years and years !
Your best call yet. I am occasionally critical of some of these calls and how they are handled, and yet I realize that they are done with very one-dimensional information provided by the caller, and it is well-intentioned to "deal" with the caller in the context they provide. That being saId, you really nailed this one. It would be so interesting to hear a follow up on this call a year from now.
@@TexasGal. Since he uses religion as the only reason he hasn't divorced her, I'm guessing he's extremely religious and they didn't have any physical intimacy before marriage. I think it's fine to not have intercourse before marriage if that's what you want, but you should be very suspicious if you're with a man who isn't trying to initiate any physical contact and doesn't seem attracted to you. I wish John would have pressed her for more details on that, I bet his lack of attraction was obvious from day one and she chose to ignore it for some reason.
@@The-Oneness11 Yeah, that's my guess, but we don't technically know that from what was explained in the call. People don't count premarital sex as consummation.
I knew a man who’s parents where like this. He said his parents had been married for many years and only had intercourse ONE TIME… and that’s how he came along. It was on their wedding night and the mother had to BEG her newly married husband to do it and that guy was conceived. He said his father was so controlling over a lot of things and wouldn’t let his mom do anything. He was also big into sports and everything when he was young and real macho. . I suspect the dad was traumatized in some way and hated his wife/women and maybe was ashamed of his attraction to men. Who knows. But this woman and that guys mother were VERY MUCH the same. The communication is off and the cowardice is big. The pick me mentality is very strong with these women. I even had a hard time understanding this caller. Her communication is like trying to grasp sand. I thought maybe the call was dropping or something but it’s not it’s her and her wanting to belong that she has to dance around in her speech. It’s just over all very unusual.
It’s been more than 12 years since my husband and I had sex, and a big huge problem of it is he has depression and some ED problems that he will not go to a doctor to address. maybe that’s what’s going on with this guy? I guess there’s always a possibility that he could be gay and he hasn’t addressed that with himself too.
I think she's embarrassed. She feels like he isn't into her. And he's grouchy. So he isn't happy. The question is why. You won't find the answer talking to her because they don't sound connected at all.
I did sit down and tried to tell him this is what I need, I told him kindly and all he had to say back is: it's ALWAYS WHAT YOU WANT!! Needless to say it didn't work between us and we divorced. Now I'm learning how to love myself.
I have been in an abusive relationship, marriage and he said the same thing to me as well . He gaslighting you for to long and now.. Take care of yourself love yourself some one will come along and take it slow and get to know the guy and be friends for awhile cause running straight in a relationship it might go down hill it's not what you want go..... Take care everyone...........
I have been married for 16 years. We have sex 3-4 times per week. We are both physically fit, desire one another, and have no children. I also treat my wife respectfully and lovingly. She does the same.
This is like the tenth call where the whole, "no sex before marriage" thing backfired tremendously. Sexual comparability is important for long term relationships. Sexual literacy is important for everyone. How do you know iff you are compatible if youve never had sex? How can you be literate if youve never read? Sleeping around is bad. Sleeping with people you are in a long term relationship is not just normal but positive.
He's not sexually into his wife. She probably sounded good in theory. Checked boxes. He couldn't find a person he was sexually attracted to that did that.
Right!!?? Just go see a doctor!! It can be hormonal imbalances, artery issues, blood pressure, damaged vessels, an inherited hereditary problem. If he's grumpy all the time it could also be depression. There's no point to pointless suffering. Dudes need to stop seeing their erection function as some kind of identity statement. It's an organ, that's not working right, go see a doctor. Just as you would if your vision was bad you'd go to the optometrist. It's not a big deal... Unless you ignore it.
Anti-depressants can kill drive and sensation. I was in my 20’s at the time and struggled with that. Now I’m med free, in my 40’s and have no issues in that regard.
It seems like every time I hear someone say there's a history of bad marriages or I come from a broken home, they seemed to go out and create a broken home and a bad marriage? They use it as an excuse to stay and toxic dysfunction. You would think that wanting to have a successful marriage with translate to you going out and learning what makes relationship successful, building good communication skills, building good problem-solving skills, Etc. You would think that you would put in the actual work to learn and build the skill set to have a successful relationship. The only thing I ever hear them do is just stay in a dysfunctional relationship and refuse to leave.
When you don't really acknowledge and heal those childhood trauma wounds, especially from having a dysfunctional marriage between parents as a primary example for your growing kid brain to learn whats "normal", it's not surprising they go out and re-create the dysfunction subconsciously as adults. It's as if they're on autopilot. It's a familiar discomfort that's hard to break from because it's familiar. And the fear of the unknown, even when it's something better, can seem even more daunting. Especially when you have to work with those hard emotions and feelings, sitting with them, processing them, to clear them out first before you can even begin to discern and learn what a healthy relationship with self and someone else even is.
If it's not ED then he's hiding another life- the possibilities are horrifying. Mainly because he Stayed married- whatever he's hiding must be big. This guy needs to be tracked like a bloodhound, some of the possibilities may be illegal/criminal
He might have some trauma he's dealing with. So story time. My marriage had a similar problem, not nearly as bad, but bad enough, and the issue was my husband had not only childhood trauma but relationship trauma from abusive exs. He had women use him, force sex on him, and then cheat. It didn't help that my husband was taught that sex was performance, so it always caused him great anxiety. It took years for him to actually open up about all of this stuff. It was so bad that he had actually told me these past relationships were great relationships. He even believed that being abused was his fault. What broke through this was one day on a drive he told me a story about meeting a girl he had talked to online, and she jumped him immediately, then criticized him about the quality of the sex. He said he wasn't comfortable because he didn't know her and that's why he couldn't "perform". He told me he even said please stop while she was climbing on top of him. That's when i yelled out, "Oh my god, that's called rape. She raped you. " It took him realizing this girl raped him before he was ever willing to see that this stuff wasn't his fault. Our sex life has been fantastic since he got the help he needed. Many men have experienced things like this. Maybe not sa, but definitely past relationships using sex as a weapon. This can really screw a person up. The problem is we dont talk about it when it happens to men.
Yep, I’ve heard a similar story like the one you described. We don’t hear about this type of rape EVER, which sucks because some women are very forceful and take advantage of nice guys. Society treats men like they’re just supposed to want it all the time. But consent needs to be both ways! I hope this type of abuse gains attention because most males would probably be too embarrassed to ever admit such a story.
My ex used it as a tool to get what she wanted. She had very little interest in it, even tough I was young and in great shape and it was great when it happened. She absolutely refused 9/10 times I tried to initiate. A few years into our marriage she started cheating so it seems she just wasn’t that into me. I was a paycheck and a lifestyle and nothing more.
@@mylesgray3470 I'm sorry to hear that. You are a handsome man. I hope you've healed from that and found a healthy relationship if that is what you desired. The morality level in Americans in general seems to be on a steep decline.
@@TheEnigmaticmuse Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say! I absolutely did find someone who is really happy and enthusiastic to be with me. After 7 years dating we did get married. I really should have left my ex so much sooner but was stuck in the mud for most of the 9 years we were married, thinking we just had to work it out. Sometimes moving on is the right thing.
Something majorly flawed in their marriage from day one. Even before. How can you not be having sex 6 months after being married? MAJOR RED FLAGS!!!! I'd be out that door like a shot!
Highly likely that he's a covert narcissist. They withhold and use silent treatment, blame-shifting and threats when leaving. Could be dangerous. They want you to leave, so they can twist the story to make you the villain and themselves the victim. They're like teenagers.
Oh yeah, there is WAY more to this story. Like, what is their back story to how they met and how they got married. What is her husband like? What is going on that 6 months would go by and no sex IN MARRIAGE. Does she or he not like sex or have a fear of it? When she said "that's what we call it, right?" about her husband's grmupiness I was like, what is "it"? There is way more to this....
I would also ask if he's drinker or closet drinker. My husband hid his drinking for years and over time we had less sex and I didn't know what was going on. I've always enjoyed sex and felt it was an important part of my adult life. When I started dealing with my husband's eventually obvious drinking problem, then I figured the sex stopped because of the alcohol. He couldn't get it up and lost any desire. Lack of communication was also a problem. He was a very quiet guy and I was the communicator. I'm sorry I didn't try to communicate with him more. I don't know if it would have helped our situation, but maybe I could have tried harder. I ended up divorcing him and basically told him to go find his bliss. He ended up dying 20 years later with a heart valve issue, but his alcoholism was a factor in his death also.
Her desire to express how he chose her and to impress that fact upon him tells me he hit the nail on the head. To her, being unattractive to her husband is humiliating, so she will never say anything that can completely corroborate that. I would want to know: 1. Did he touch her prior to marriage 2. What part of her body does he like most 3. How long has he been “upset” 4. Does he come home late often? Or have any unexplained absences? 5. Have you snooped on his browsing history 6. What kind of people does he look at? 7. Who does he admire? 8. What do you talk about when you go to bed?
I personally think she weaponised sex and he just gave up. He dislikes her and wants to remain with his kids in the same home. He wants out but thinks if he leaves he has failed religiously. He is just not into her. She also sounds super confusing too. I think they both contributed to the demise of this relationship
It sounds like the marriage was over years ago. How can the relationship be this bad for twelve years. He obviously has a secret that he is not communicating.
I can relate. Been married almost 5 years and haven’t had sex in almost a year. Even before, we’d have sex maybe once a month, but it’s very robotic and no intimate emotional connection. It’s the worst and I’ve been contemplating divorce for a while. Idk what to do.
Same here. It's just so weird. Does your partner have any erectile dysfunction issues? Mine does, along with several other health issue, so it feels wrong of me even thinking about thism
@@anam.aria. sorry for the late reply. I’m honestly not sure if he has ED. But now that I’m thinking about it, he sometimes doesn’t care to finish/climax. I feel strange when I’m ready to stop and he hasn’t fulfilled the mission. Im thinking he may be asexual. We still haven’t been intimate since my initial post. It’s frustrating and I’m having a ton of resentment
@@OnjelieMarie tbh I’m kinda scared to leave. I think if I do leave, What if I don’t find someone to fulfill me or give me complete happiness. I feel stuck in a repetitious cycle.
I can’t believe he has to tell her to have a grown up conversation with him. This man is a controlling person she needs out not a conversation what are the chances he will now open up and change after 12 years of this! Little to none. My gut tells me he’s a narcissist and loves to control by withholding intimacy and when she wants to talk the silent treatment is brought out if the bag as punishment for even daring to stand up to him. Run don’t walk.
