What Avoidants Really Feel After a Breakup? 

The question is not “do they realize they caused you pain, rather do they care enough not to act on their emotions” … these people behave extremely selfishly. Nobody else’s well being matters accept their own. They actually create trauma that can lead their ex to become an avoidant like them. This contributes to the amount of emotionally unavailable people that are out there on the world breaking hearts. It’s sad. Don’t baby them. They need to take accountability for their emotional state

@AlexisFriedlander great advice and insight, but there's nothing to smile about here... So basically... you have to treat the Avoidant the same way they were raised and treated growing up (which caused this dysfunctional way of relating in the first place) as in -- They feel regret or guilt or lonely - don't do anything. Don't intervene, don't help... be a zombie yourself so they can... that's the thing with Avoidants... you are constantly on egg shells to behave the way they don't feel is "too much" and so you end up censoring yourself and holding back and even having to put your own needs on silence. Why are Avoidants in relationships? Perhaps they just need superficial, disconnected very separative relationships? Or they need relationships with other fellow Avoidants? Or they should just stay married to their mothers who they idealize? What a drag to constantly have to behave the way THEY NEED so you can have some breadcrumbs of connection. They are entitled and spoiled. Don't waste your time. When will they ever STOP FEAR running their lives and thus their long-term-partner's lives. What about them ever considering your past wounds, your needs, your ways...? They never do. You have to be the one who always considers them and accepts them and their wounds, but it will never be the other way around. Never really. Never deeply with compassion. Never really vulnerable. Never really actually deeply intimate. It's not a healthy kind of human connection for 7 year marriage and every time life hits a difficulty (external) then always runs away, stonewalls, emotionally withholds (which I only now learned is a form of deep abuse of neglect) ... It's a headache and the biggest heartbreak you will ever have to deal with: to give your heart to an Unevovled Avoidant. VOICE YOUR NEEDS and RUN AWAY FROM BREADCRUMBS. PROTECT YOUR BIG HEART and save it for the FULL 5 COURSE MEAL that you deserve. If you do the work to evolve and they stay with the same (coddling, enabling, agreeing) "therapist" for over 10 years with no improvement. Not all therapists are healthy or helpful. A lot of them do many unethical things. Let's see more videos about all of this heartache with an Avoidant and how to gain back your self-worth and dignity to not always have to do it their way and mold yourself to fit their needs while always having to accept that they can never fully be vulnerable, no true deep intimacy. What a waste of time and waste of a big heart to love and not be truly loved in return. Poor Avoidant with their "20 years of conditioning.."..??... what about the other person's long conditioning that they are able to grow through and evolve from and be a better partner for without ever having it considered. No, you always have to consider them and their cold needs.

Ah yes the avoidant! 2 yr relationship with him leaving every 3 months to the day. I went no contact and yes, he reaches out and we work it out for yet another 3 months. I have empathy for him, because I believe he didn't have the affection as a child to be vulnerable and express his emotions. The million dollar question is.....how long does this continue!?! I do love him however, how can someone build a future with someone that takes off, constantly?

Wow! The timing of this video couldn't have been better. I'm an anxious attachment man who has been in a relationship with an avoidant woman for six months and I'm seriously thinking about ending our relationship. She is everything a man could ask for (dare I say a unicorn) but her avoidant personality combined with her traumatic past of being married to a narcissist has made intimacy a real challenge for her and I have to ask myself if this is want I want in a partner. She is very self aware and understands that she is not providing the level of intimacy I desire (and I do not pressure her or make demands - I've told her that we are not on a timeline and I'll wait until she is comfortable being more vulnerable, but I wonder if that will ever come about). To her credit, she is going to seek help with a therapist who specializes in victims of narcissistic abuse and I truly believe she wants our relationship to work. In turn, I am going to seek help with my anxious attachment and codependent issues and I'm hopeful that if we both work on ourselves we have a chance at a future together. This video has given me such a valuable insight into the potential effects that a breakup would have on her and has given me motivation to not give up. Thank you for such an insightful and practical understanding of the avoidant mindset!

It’s like this one was for me. It’s been 9 months since I heard from him. I’m no closer to feeling better but I understand it all and I’m working on my beliefs.

Thanks Alexis this has been particularly helpful to me. Understanding I need not only to let time and space do their magic, but that the magic may be me moving to a more secure relationship with or without him.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Alexis! Everything you mentioned in this video is absolutely true. I learned a few things that I hadn't realized previously as well. It's so great to hear from a coach who was a former avoidant!

Thank you Coach! Have been on No contact and radio silence for a month now. When he broke up with me, his words were "I don't think I will be there for you. What you do with your life is your choice". He started off first by asking for a break and I accept, I did the mistake of resisting and pleading. Then post that, I went on NC for a month and a half asking him if he was Ok to consider the relationship and for that message of mine he gave me the above reply. Apparently, he did not even have the courtesy to end things with me. My NC period is extremely challenging. Fluctuation of emotions. But I am watching a lot and lot of your videos to not to get back with him, rather - get him out of mind. This relationship is not healthy for me and I need to get back myself. To my happy self. I have no intention of helping him out. Not my job and it's his frigging Karma! Damn - It's hard! But thankful for your videos. ❤ What would I do without these.. One question though, do avoidants have this audacity to break a 10 year old relationship within a split second? Gosh - Mean bunch of folks I tell you!

Thank you for the last part Alex (“last word”)…I love her but it’s not my job to do the work for her or try to push her in that direction. I needed to hear that ❤

My ex ( avoidant) broke up with me after I told him that it’s really hurting that he pulled away again and again and set the rules for the 8 mont relationship. I asked him on the phone: so we are done, or what? He said : but he is so attracted to me, let’s talk. A week later a went to his house ( 120 km from my home), he kissed me, and after I explained my behaviour and said I am sorry, he said it was his fault, he tried but he is incapable for a relationship, only for occasional things. After that he said we should go to a restaurant. I was crying and thought he must be crazy! After a kiss a breakup and than a dinner???? I called him two times after that , he was patient, but said a lot of wishywashy things. I was confused. I am on no contact and working on myself. I really don’t know if I ever want to meet him again. There were so many confusing things. Sometimes I was in his future plans sometimes not. I really don’t know is he avoidant or was he just playing with me?

this is great video for me to understand my ex avoidant behavior and what she has been through in her childhood. Helps me heal. Appreciate you sharing your experience and knowledge about avoidant behaviors. Because avoidant never communicates with us and disappear. In relationship avoidant can go undetected most of the time. This video definitely cools off my anxiety and perception about her.

Hello Alex, how long are the 5 stages taking approximately?

i love the advice you give, all the other "coaches" i find dont have a clue.

Stage 3, The confusion section, Is that when you would say the Ex starts unblocking, contacting, Etc.?

But at first DA will “medicate” via different things including casual relationships to get the “ fix” of “ intimacy “ they crave as much as the Anxious albeit they fear it..but still need it.

Best video yet 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I absolutely love your videos, it helps me a lot going through the breakup I’m dealing with right now. I especially like how you explain the avoidant mindset from your perspective. I very recently broke up with my ex (again after 2 years), I’m fine and stable on my own, because I know in the back of my head he loves me and also because I’m pretty sure he will want to come back once I start moving on (just like last time) but one thing that bothers me is that both time he mentioned something along the line that he doesn’t trust me, except he expressed it more explicitly this time. Just to be clear, I never cheated or anything, nothing major to most people, or quite opposite, I’ve improved a lot of taking responsibility and he acknowledged it too. So my question is, is this something related to his avoidant mentality or it’s something else we need to work out?

My partner was avoidant - he ran twice and came third time very confident and took the accountability of what he did in past.. but again when things were stressful he just shut down .. but I think he is guilty because he reached out to me to say sorry after two months.. May be in regret as well..

What if your avoidant partner actually says 'I'm stubborn, you know I'm stubborn' as a reason for not calling me after a little fallout? I know he's an avoidant but his pride gets in the way of reaching out for us to resolve issues. Am I wasting my time? I'm aware that each moment of distancing comes after we've talked about moving in together or after we've spent many days together, after which he'll find a reason to get upset and then go quiet. For me this feels toxic.....and I'm exhausted...

Thank you SO much 🙏

So basically ….. they’re absolutely bonkers

What does the dismissive avoidant feel if they are the one receiving the breakup message from their secure partner? What are the stages in this case?

Amazing advices❤

its their loss! they will regret when they get used by other avoidants/narcissists. because most of the time they have a npd/bpd parent so they are used to that

Thank you so so much!

How long can each stage last? I can imagine it depends on every person or is there a general idea ?

Is loving someone a weakness or some attachment issue 😢

Alex, I used to be anxious. I worked really hard to become secure. But once I entered into this relationship, I ended up bouncing back into some anxious tendencies. Is this something normal?

Well said

Well, her ex bf randomly msg her to be friends again. Already didn't work out two times per her, and just wants to be friends. He wants to get married she isn't ready for that. How does this apply to this situation? She already has me on curved and we never had a title smh.

Have you noticed all of the people that talk about this online are avoidants?

If you are any attachment style besides Secure( perhaps) then you played a part in the breakup.. I know I did me Anxious and her a DA.. must watch other videos to heal yourself and learn how to communicate or else getting them back is for naught .

My ex has shown signs of withdrawal. We work together which has made this pretty hard. I want to help her but I'm holding myself back at the moment. Is it normal for avoidants to avoid seeing you after the breakup (might be a stupid question) and when I say avoid I mean in person and trying not too look at you.

8:00 so wait , don’t post on social media?

They feel nothing. Saved you watching a non sense vid 😂