What is "intimacy avoidance"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) 

You robbed me of solitude but provided no companionship.

The more time you are together , the more you feel like you are living with a stranger because of the lack of intimacy. This is so true.

In my twenty years with the narcissist, I felt I was sitting at a banquet table, laden with food, and my hands were tied. ‘Starving’ for any connection, I finally realized I was valued only for taking care of the house and the children. I was a housekeeper with benefits for him. That was the saddest realization I’ve ever had.

Every time I start missing my ex or doubting my feelings I return to these videos and I am very quickly reminded why I left! Thank you Dr. Ramani!

Being next to someone and still feeling alone is not good. That was my relationship.

Only one who has lived through this really appreciates how painful it is.

You just described my whole relationship! I’m sick and tired of feeling like I am not enough! I’m tired of being shut down left starving for affection and intimacy from the person who is suppose to be my partner! Never in my life have I ever experienced this kind of mental circus of Abuse with anyone in my life!

The saddest thing for me is that I had no idea what narcissism was, or that these people existed. I could never understand why I was always sucked into the same kind of situation. I couldn't understand that I was an empath, and a narcissist magnet! It's only been in the last 2 year (and I'm 57) that I've learned any of this stuff. My entire life has been one recurring pattern after another. So sad.

The horrible feeling of having sex not only with a stranger, but with someone who hates you is spiritually damaging.

If you find yourself begging for a hug when you were at your lowest, I think there may be a problem.

After the initial love bombing phase of mind bending sex, you can stand naked in front of the narcissistic partner and they will likely not even glance in your direction. Their avoidance of intimacy of any kind leaves you feeling like a ghost, wandering the halls of your home invisible and unacknowledged in even the most fundamental ways. Intimacy for narcissists is literally terrifying as it threatens to connect them with their core vulnerable selves. They will pretend to offer and enjoy intimacy - but in reality their plan is to have you as a function and nothing more and they have disdain for your own intimate needs.

Every time I fight for more "intimacy" I just get shut down and called crazy! This makes so much sense and finally someone that gets my relationship!

Trying to be close to a narc is like being a "working girl" who never gets paid.

Never finding the right person is way better than keeping the wrong one. Don't worry if you'll ever find someone, love yourself and get out of this situation.

In a "normal" relationship the years add to intimacy getting stronger and that bond deeper. Not with a narcissist....there is a feeling of something is not right and eventually you don't feel "close" to the narcissist anymore. If you ever say "I don't feel close to you anymore" they are so shocked and surprised and take it an an insult.

For years I thought my marriage was an anxious-avoidant relationship. Just after divorce I realized I was in an abusive narcissistic one, and boy that changed my view, erased most of my guilt, and overall made me able to accept and let go.

The amount of insight this woman has is crazy. I'm hearing my relationship described to a T.

I had that uncomfortable feeling. I begged my husband to talk to me and connect with me. He made me feel like I was crazy.

This is crazy how spot on it is! As soon as I started to notice the changes in my ex partner I started to get more and more distant with him in all aspects of intimacy, even kissing was hard for me to do, he would get so upset and say you don’t even want to kiss me anymore but he refused to listen and understand that it was because of his behaviors which were abusive and abrasive. All he could acknowledge was the fact that I wouldn’t kiss him or sleep with him anymore but god forbid he would’ve been able to realize it was his fault.

He never tells me he loves me. I was indeed starved of intimacy and became insecure in our relationship

They cannot have deep conversations. Everything about them is shallow. Nothing can satisfy them.

Narcissistic men feel they can treat you anyway that they want to and you’re just still supposed to get turned on by them somehow yuck

My ex withheld sex and other forms of intimacy all the time stating she didn't feel safe. Yet the reasoning was really because I didn't do what she wanted me to do. Intimacy for me is sexual, but also intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. It was really her way of controlling me. I am so scared to try again...I don't want to be with another narcissist ever again.

Married 41 years last week. Separated for 7 of those years. I just couldn't go through with the divorce. I feel too beaten down and tired to "start over." He spent all of our retirement money with his girlfriend, who has now left him for someone else who has money and she views as more successful. So she is MORE narcissistic than my narcissist and I'm too depressed to dig myself out right now. My husband is away for a week, and I have spent most of that time watching these videos. I feel like I at least know what I'm dealing with now.

I told my husband I feel like we're just roommates who fight all the time. It's taken over a decade to open my eyes to everything in my life. Patterns, patterns, patterns, and too much trauma

For years I knew something was wrong and I blamed myself for my depression. I was so deprived of intimacy and didn't know it.

Now I understand why I became anxious and co-dependent which i never was because he was starving me in intimacy, the more he distance the more I wanted to be closer to him. I was really confused and thought I was the problem. Now I know why! Thanks so much Dr.Ramani.

These videos help so much. I wasn't a wife, a companion, a friend. I was supply. As painful as that is, it clears the way for me to finally heal.

Dr Ramani, please know how much we value you. 🙏🏾

"Intimacy has left the room". Spot on! He was so shut down as soon as our Friday night friends left. Dead silence and nasty glares from across the room. I used to say to his friends,' as soon as you leave,he stops talking,laughing,being charming'. They would just not believe me! I have one picture of him glaring at me. Like I needed proof. That was year 1 of our marriage. I was there 22 years! I stayed to fix him,to love him back to health, to understand him...I wanted us to break free of our bad family traumas and live a great life. What I learned was that you can't make anyone live up to their potential... No matter how much good you see in them. I should have been living up to mine. :/

While everyone around my Dad's life thought his life was good...I witnessed my Dad's starvation by my mother who was a malignant narcissist, for 60 years of his life. The public image appeared perfect, while the private was hell. She withheld all affection from him punishing him by forcing him to live downstairs in the unfinished basement in the very house he built for her. People just don't know the truth behind closed doors. He was a gentle man and a gentleman. She took advantage of his kindness and love for her.

With a covert narcissist, in my last relationship, intimacy (in a superficial sense), was used manipulatively and with power and control- almost like he was "rewarding" me with it. It was disgusting, now that I look back on it... Also, with the grandiose narcissist I dated prior to the covert narcissist, I can see how he very much used sex as a power and control tactic and never as true intimacy- until I was finally able to have boundaries. But, this is when he pulled away alll together. In my experience, narcissists, are often times sexual predators in this sense.

When we were single, I told him, "I don't want to be alone." After 33 yrs of marriage, he convinced me it was better to be alone than with him.

Withholding, starving, blaming, shaming, depriving, denying, dismissing, demeaning, devoid of any and all true connection. What you see is not what you get, bait and switch. The public persona is to benefit others only. Behind closed doors you are devalued, invisible, denied, punished and alienated. Intimacy avoidance is synonymous with a narcissist.

I told him a few times I felt like he was starving me. He kept avoiding talking about anything that I felt it was important we discuss. Now I see what the underlying problem was😒 The discomfort was there too, smh. It didn’t feel like he was a strange… more like I was giving pleasure to someone who was regularly giving me pain and carving away the things and people that gave me happiness.

As my eyes pool with tears, this video has helped me in ways most people will never understand. I don’t feel so ashamed and alone anymore.

Always “too busy” is a huge red flag!

INTIMACY IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION WITH TOTAL HONESTY PERSONALITY DISORDER IS ABOUT MANIPULATION WITH WORDS

Wow! She's perfectly describing my ex-wife. I sensed it the first time I kissed her. It was awkward. I thought it was just because we didn't know each other well and she was shy. Later I understood, it was the intimacy and closeness of the moment. At first, sex was normal, mutually satisfying and mutually desired. Later, it was a great point of conflict, only for me. We would have sex, but only the minimum and only under great amounts of control only on her terms. What she wanted to control the most was avoidance of any real intimacy. I would get the sex, coupled with heavy amounts of control, conflict, contempt and criticism. What I would never get is the intimacy, ever. She would blame me. If I were only a better husband, I'd get everything I wanted. I knew that wasn't true. She would admit it at times. In the video, I liked the mixing of avoidant attachment and the narcissism. Those were equally present and causal to all our problems. I also like the desert analogy to intimacy. As the end approached, it was a very lonely and desperate place to be.

You absolutely nailed it, these relationships. Living with a stranger, never improve, empty. Very good thanks.

I’d rather be alone and painfully lonely than in a relationship lacking intimacy and lonely.

Yet they blame the other person for the “lack of closeness”.

What a huge service you do for us all. Thank you!

Oh man... Oh man... I feel understood for what's happening to me. Absolutely nobody else gets it. Not even other therapists. Dr. Ramani is the only one!

"...but there's nothing inside." The "tenderness" comes out only around his friends. The hand on my back, opening the car door. It's all for show.

I watched this to understand why my mother never hugged me growing up. Children notice a lack of affection too. I didn't get compliments as a child either. Thank goodness I had good teachers & neighbors. I get it tho...

Dr Ramini, wow...I wish I would have found this year's ago. I wish I would have KNOWN to look for it. 16 years in an intimacy deprived marriage. My whole soul was in torture in the end when trying to decide whether to go or stay. He is a pastor. I didn't want to damage everyone that our work touched over the years. But in the end I knew it was my sanity at stake. So much of this rings true of my 16 year sentence. THANK YOU for your work❤

I have such a strong need for emotional intimacy and mutual knowing that our fights were what made me feel connected. That’s often when I felt most connected so sometimes would even feel better after a fight because I felt like we finally got real feelings out there even if it was a word salad.

Many narcs have had sexual abuse in their past or have had sexual experiences at a very young age. Sex to them only equates to their physical pleasure, having power and control over someone, or being victimized. It's like they feel shameful when they are vulnerable---and to them, intimacy means being vulnerable--and they're not having any part of that! After love bombing you, you will notice that narcs will rarely kiss you, hold your hand, cuddle with you, give you a loving glance, give you a hug, or show any public displays of affection toward you!

Holy hell she is describing my ex. My head is nearly falling off from nodding yes...

This is it. This is spot on. Clarity. About 3 months ago, out of nowhere this light came on in my head heart and soul. I was shocked at the sudden euphony, but realized the shallow, excluded, breadcrumbed, egg shells walking, superficial life I’d been living. I just couldn’t classify or clarify what it was besides ugly. Now I know. I gag if he kisses me. I shutter if he hugs me. He comes home from work, eats goes down to the den and watches tv until 9:00 bed time. I’m invisible. This is intimacy anorexia at its finest.

I struggled to define my marital experience with a narcissist until I watched this video Thank you Dr Ramani

Example for you all to understand this ‘ contempt towards intimacy’: I was single for many years and now walking in the city with my partner who I suspected was a Narc. It was a beautiful summer day and I remembered the many times I walked the city alone, but now I was partnered up and wanted to convey this joy and appreciation towards my partner at the time (Narc) . So I stopped walking, turned to him and said, You know Iam so happy to finally have someone special in my life. I am no longer walking alone in beautiful days like this, instead I am here with you 💕💕💕.... Narc Proceeds to look at me and starts an argument and says, “ Well that was your choice. You women choose to stay alone...etc” And I am trying to explain why I was single.. not too many options etc. and then I say, “ why are we arguing? Why can’t you just say awe, I am happy to be with you also. So he says, “ So now you want to shove words in my mouth?” So yeah, they fight intimacy. Everything is an argument. Everything is your fault. Glad I left.

NO emotional intimacy at all. INCAPABLE of having deep conversations. LIES about his ENTIRE past, present and future. NOTHING he says is truthful & NOTHING he does is genuine. It's like we're just ACTORS playing the role of a couple.

I am waking up to my best friend of 20+ years being a narc. I just realized I am co-dependent. As difficult as this is, knowledge is power. Thank you for this video !

My husband refuses to talk about what issues he's having. He has kept it from me over six years. I've no issues. He gets very angry when I bring it up. He doesn't have any intimacy now. You're right. The beginning was wonderful.

Yupp, that was it to a tee. I felt some intimacy in the love bombing stage. Then slowly breadcrumbed, starved and ultimately suffocated. Devoid of any human decency after a while. Physical, verbal, financial abuse, disrespect, not following through on any promises, fights out of no where, purposefully starting drama, ghosting, gaslighting, destruction of property. Could not even have an open, honest conversation about SERIOUS issues. Betrayal, rage and violence were in the mix (have a lot of video evidence). Never saw a persons' eyes go completely black before, scary. I swear on everything these people are aliens and/or demons. Had a lot of sex because that is where I felt any closeness but it felt like having sex with someone I didn't even know. I was just trying to have a normal, healthy, loving, intimate relationship. I swore I would never deal with anything close to that. I didn't know about narcissists and thought everyone has inherently good on some level. You do not know what Hell is and true evil until you are in a relationship with a Narcissist. This is flat out Spiritual warfare. If you think that it is something else, you have not been "intimately" involved with a Narcissist and stared into the abyss. Thanks Doctor Ramani for spreading the word about Narcissism. This information should be part of public health. People should not have to experience it the hard way like myself.

When I was in a narcissistic relationship, my grandmother died. I was upset and crying. He decided at that point to start an argument with me. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down. God had alot of grace with me by leading me out that relationship.

Spot on! Every word. I was never so alone or starving as I was with him. He's long gone now but it helps so much to hear these truths. Thank you so much for sharing!

Hi Dr. Ramani, This was a very helpful lesson for me. My elderly narc. mother is exactly the hollow drum. She likes to have many activities going on. She uses people and her family to fill her dance card, but that is all that is. She cannot have any one on one with you, and being involved with her is only a one way street. A couple of her so-called girlfriends called me over the years to complain about the very thing. One of the ladies was in going to hospice and told me she did not want my Mother to try to come and see her. They also described a cruise several of them took together with my Mom and said that my Mom was disrespectful to them on the trip and she was so obsessed with her routines that she would wake them all up at 4AM, making noise so she could make her coffee and turn lights on and read a book. It has been monumentally hard for me to want to be near my mom any longer. I am not going to see her any longer over Christmas. I can no longer take the bragging, and this non empathetic, self centered empty shell of a woman. I can no longer do it. Thank you for your videos and your intelligence. I honor you. Respectfully, Eileen

The years of starvation eventually push us to seek intimacy with ourselves, which is what we, as codependents, were missing all along. 🙏 Once we've found THAT, we're immune to narcs forever!

My relationship with narc explained; now I know why I withdrew from sex entirely, after some time. There was no real intimacy, no real interest in me as a person. And financial control on top of that.v

This is exactly what I experienced. I didn’t know what it was. I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t have a name for it and my ex had me believing it was all in my head, that it was my childhood that made me think there was something wrong with the relationship. I have a word for this now. It’s a real thing and it happened to me for 13 years of my relationship. He was so cold and all he did was criticize me. He knew that I would have done and put up with so much for a simple hug. Sometimes he would drop breadcrumbs when there was something he wanted and in that moment he wouldn’t be mean. and if he didn’t get what he wanted he would turn on me and the consistency of his contempt was unbearable and because I grew up never seeing a healthy relationship I thought mine must be what everyone’s was like but it’s not. I didn’t understand why he was so mad at me all the time. It didn’t matter. I would avoid upsetting him and his hostility was unprovoked. He would deny that he was mad even when he would yell at me. I didn’t understand what I had done that was so bad. He would withhold any intimacy that wasn’t sexual. He would pretend like I didn’t exist. That my needs and feelings and opinions were just silly. All of my problems he said stemmed from me not listening to him. He was withholding on purpose to punish me or just keep me starving so it would be easier to get his way. I was so desperate to get any positive attention. I got virtually none. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand why he did that or if I was just being sensitive. That it wasn’t abuse just because I wasn’t getting attention. I thought maybe I was being childish or had too high expectations. Your videos helped me understand and validated my reality. Thank you so much for your videos. This is so helpful to me. All your videos are great but this one specifically helped me so much and they are now helping me get through a very scary separation. I got out! 😭 I’m finally out and knowing the patterns is helping me stay out and I am able to protect my kids from growing up believing it’s normal to treat people this way. I would never do this to anyone and that’s how I know it is so cruel what was done to me over time. It has damaged me so much because I didn’t understand why he said that he loved me but treated me like he hated me. but it’s so good to be free. Thank you!!!!!! Can you do videos on tips on co- parenting with a narcissist? How can I limit the damage to my kids. Now that i am not there I can’t intervene when they are with him. How can I give my girls tools to deal with their father? He does this to them. Especially my youngest.

Been binge watching for a few days now. Honestly it doesn't just feel like a desert, this feels like a blackhole, just taking everything and crushing it into nothing. Thanks for all the information.

It's also true that during sex they feel and look "mechanical", not deeply and really involved like a "normal" person should be.It's like having sex with a sex-worker or a robot.

The beginning was an explosion of intimacy and compassion. I was put on a pedestal and felt like a million dollars . But when the high wore off, I was knocked down . I was punished , treated like dirt . Denied sex , compassion and even hit with silent treatment. The only time the narcissist went back to treating me well for a couple of days was only if I gave her money or into her demands . That’s not a relationship but instead a manipulationship. I was hustled by a con artist who never had any intentions of a serious loving relationship. I was there to be used and abused until she upgraded and found something better

Nailed it exactly, Dr. Thank you so much! This was exactly the situation i went through and it hurt so much. I wanted that true, open, emotional intimacy and it never happened. I had no idea i was dealing with a CN, or that such a thing even existed. I've learned so much after the fact. You've been a big part of that journey!!

This has been my favourite of your videos Dr Ramani. This is exactly what it was like. It's very easy to think it's because of something we have done rather than there being nothing there inside a narcissist, or at least, no depth and no introspection. Thank you.

I wished I new this before we got married and had children. Please believe me when I say it's a very lonely relationship to be in . I'm just try to be there for our kids it's sad

Im so grateful I found Dr. Ramani, I'm learning as much as I can now. I wish people were taught this at a young age.

This video hit the nail on the head for me and my narcissistic boyfriend of 15 years. I can't tell you how much your videos have helped me to get clarity. Thank you!

This was how I found out my ex had a full fledged narcissistic personality disorder. She would tell me no stone cold, or just refuse to respond, and then have me emotionally bleed to death, and then show little to no remorse or empathy. Luckily i realised very soon something was wrong. Now I'm looking more into it, and jup 200% covert narcissistic type. I feel bad for all the people that get sucked into that, but I'm really happy I saw it soon and got out in time. Somewhere I think the remedy for narcissistic people is rooted in confidence. Because if you're confident enough, you don't need people, but you can enjoy their company, so you will bail out of these relationships the moment they start being hurtful and miserable: you never needed them in the first place. I guess people abused by narcissists are looking for validation from a narcissist which is of course a total dead end in the long run.

Wow 😳 I wish I had this wisdom when I was 22 🥺

Love bombing, turned into manipulation, wanted me at home to cook and clean, no friends, but he could do what he wanted. No communication, silent treatment, never ask about me and when I ask him to do something it was like pulling teeth. After 7 years of disrespect and neglect why would I want to have sex with him. No intimacy just sex, forget that! I tried and tried to talk to him over and over, also a drinker, don't want me with him.i left I'm done with toxic relationships. Its not up to me to raise him, fix him I need a partner not a project!

Your insights are god sent Dr. Ramani 🙏🏼 it’s such a relief to hear someone explain all the craziness because all this while I thought I was the only one going through these crazy scenarios and now I know it’s a full fledged personality disorder. Thank you for such knowledgeable videos 🙏🏼

No words to say Thank you. I m crying a lot this moment but now onwards my life will change as I know what we're all those incidents....only I was there....my love, trust, emotions.....

If you have depression, anxiety or/and bpd or are on a spectrum be even more aware of engaging with narcisisstic relationships, it can become a whole new level of hurt when your self-esteem is shattered that you are struggeling to keep up with your boundaries and getting out of the relationship.

He kept telling me “I don’t need or want sex” going through his phone I found out he had a whole sex addiction. So it was the “with you” that was silent.

What an insightful, amazing video. This has been my favourite so far (I am a big fan anyway). This intimacy problem is realling getting to the core of narc relationships. While I was watching it, I almost started to cry as is has brought out so many painful feelings about my narc dad (with whom I went no contact almost a year ago). Thank you, Dr Ramani.

Painfully accurate. Its been a little over a year since the relationship with my narcissistic ex ended and I'm still processing everything. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for all of your videos... They've been beyond helpful in helping me recover and move forward in my life.

My exhusband and I had a lot in common...we were both madly in love with him!

Once again you've totally hit the nail on the head. NO intimacy at all. He witholds sex as a form of control and manipulation and to prove that he calls the shots! He never sees me, and it's all about him.

wow. you just hit bullseye with my situation. When a narcissist verbally acosts you for days, weeks, months, years on end then want a warm hug and kiss, excuse me if Im not enthusiastic about it.

I’ve always felt that intimacy was really the ultimate reason to enter into relationship. What in gods name is the point of relationship without the tender attempt toward a true intimacy? I don’t want to be with someone, I want to be close. That is the gold

He almost made me feel that I wasn't sexuality attractive, said he just wasn't interested in sex or intimacy.....thanks for this video

so true, no holding hands anymore, no hugs, making love with a stranger...all like abuse..

Dr. Ramani, Whenever I need a high level, clinical illustration of any aspect of these types of relationships, I tune into you. Brilliant educator. In logical, user-friendly language. The "drum" analogy is such an accurate descriptive. "Has shape and form. Makes a lot of noise. Nothing on the inside". Thank you.

Oh wow…You put into words what I had been feeling. I did not feel as if I was in a true relationship and I often felt “used” for sex. (Does this make sense?) I felt alone even though I was in a “committed” relationship. He felt entitled to sex, because we were in a so called committed relationship and he would place guilt on me, because my sex drive was not where his sex drive was. There was zero intimacy and It always felt very cold. The entire relationship was based on sex and if I didn’t always want to have sex with him I was made to feel as if there was something wrong with me. I didn’t want to have sex, because the lack of intimacy made me feel very down, lonely and even sad at times. Thank you for this video and for explaining narcissism in a way that I can understand.

This was my ex husband. He would weaponize all intimacy and blame me for him not kissing, holding my hand, cuddling, sex, etc. Leaving him was honestly the best decision I ever made. Now I’m in a loving healthy relationship with a great partner who supports me and understands real intimacy

As aweful as it sounds, I felt like an emotionless, used sex worker with my narcissistic ex husband. I thought I must terribly unattractive to him.

I'm amazed at how every time that I listen to the DR. she nails the topic every time. I spent 12 years in a relationship with red flags that I was not paying too much attention to. I should have ended it with in the first month. Dr. Ramani has been such a great help exposing the truth. Thanks.

Thank you for putting it all together so accurately & in such an understandable way! In today's video you linked at least 2 years worth of seemingly random journal observations into a small elegant package that explains so much of the narcissist I am least fond of.

Yup, he did starve me of intimacy and when I brought it up, he told me I was "too deep and too complicated.". You nailed this one !

Yes your comments, "living with a stranger" and "sex with a stranger", you nailed it, parts of the relationship become so creepy!

Ding, ding, ding! Thank you Dr. Ramani! This video really hit home for me. Spot on description of what I've been experiencing. I love when I watch one of your videos and I truly feel seen. ♥️

Thank you! I found out that some of my “friends” are really toxic. I was confused to admit and accept that. They didn’t do anything bad towards me but some actions and nonverbal talk made me confused and self doubting. But I’m sure they are toxic after analyzing what we are talking about, how I feel with them and their strange behavior. Most importantly is that there were any deep connection even if I tried to build. But it always felt superficial not serious. As Dr. Romani said you have form but it’s empty it’s nothing. That’s harsh to accept and let go. I still feel that I’m not over it and need more time for healing. I’m really glad that now videos to gain knowledge and educate yourself are easy to find and accessible. I hope many empath can heal from any kind of toxic relationships.

Narcs need to be on guard all the time because they fear exposure of their vulnerability not only to others, but to themselves too. So intimacy is a taboo for them. It makes them really uncomfortable when they are pressured into the commitments in intimacy. When they try to fake it, it can get really awkward. Their ritualistic, contrived performances seem disconnected. And in typical Narc style, the disappointing outcome is always someone else’s fault.

It's so interesting. The trajectory of the sexual part of the relationship, is starting out as seemingly deeply intimate, but devolves into being devoid of any intimacy.

I can’t even believe how detailed ur words were describing my marriage and the reason for me walking out. You put cohesive words to something I couldn’t understand fully, let alone explain to anyone else. Thank you for repeatedly offering validation, and with it, a crack to get out of the gaslighting and guilt trip of the narcissist.

You just described my relationship and I feel so much better with this clarity. Thank you